Though we're technically unemployed, we still get up early everyday so that we can get a jump on our day. Apparently, its called a "routine" and its supposed to help you get more done. We remain dubious on that front, but what is absolutely certain is that being up before the sun provides ample opportunity to see great second-rate commercials. Surely, they don't show gems like this during "The View."
For anyone who might be reading this at a workplace run by fascists who deny their employees the trust and freedom needed to access the video, we'll break it down.
First, it's for a product called "Slim T's." What do Slim T's do, you ask? Well, they make anyone look "pounds thinner & inches smaller" by flattening your stomach area, concealing your love handles and giving extra lift and shaping to your chest." Wow, to get those kind of results Slim T's must be some intense, yet oddly-named, work-out routine or something. Suck it p90X, we're bringing it!! Slim T-style!!
Uh, not quite. Lazy people rejoice, the secret isn't hard work, its the "12 uniquely designed firming panels." What does that mean? You just put on this crazy, super-tight spandex undershirt and it's doesn't matter how many donuts you eat. It's Spanx for Men. Holy crap, what is happening to us!!
It's bad enough that we've made women feel like they have to wear these things for weddings and other dressy crap. They're terrible. They're less than two steps away from the olde-time girdle that noblewomen used to wear and needed 5 lowly servants to tie them into. Now we're gonna have dudes running around with their guts duct-taped in? Are we that vain? Listen, if you love to eat and hate to run, that's cool, own it, be proud of your bulge. No need to fake it. (Note: Being proud of your bulge does not mean you should take pictures of it and text them around. And, if you do, don't wear crocks in the picture, that's just creepy).
Anyway, off the soap box and back to the commercial, its just full of promises.
Want to look thin INSTANTLY!!
That's right, INSTANTLY. Hate without to resort to pesky diets, or pills or (gasp!) exercise? Fuck all that mess, just buy this shirt. Never had $19.95 made you feel so much better about yourself (unless you're in need of a self-esteem boost, then buy a copy of "Girls Gone Wild", always makes me feel better about where I am in my life). Who cares if your 30 pounds overweight and potentially at high risk for heart disease, diabetes and the gout. Ignore the medical risks, this shirt will make it all go away.
Drop 2 pants sizes over night!!
Then you'll look like a skinnier, more homeless version of yourself as your pants fall down your ass.
Nobody will know except you!!
Particularly if you're on a date with that girl you're going steady with. Just wait till you get Sally home and take your shirt off. She'll be so surprised when your gut slaps her in the face.
In 2 minutes, Slim T's solved a 20 year problem.
Who cares if it I still have all those other ones? I look good, yo. Maybe my heart is about to explode due to the combined effects of the hardening of my arteries and extreme pressure exerted on my internal organs by this compression suit. I LOOK GOOD!!
The job market is really tough and with the Slim T, I look good, I feel good and that's why I got the job.
Hmmmm...maybe we should reconsider our position on this issue.
I originally got it for back support but ...
You sir are a fuckin liar!! You got it because, like everyone else, you're vain and wanted to look thinner. Don't sell us that line of crap. You want better posture? Sit up straight, you old jerk.
You have nothing to lose but inches.
And also your dignity.
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