TLC's My Strange Addiction Or The Weird Thing I Do That Makes Me an Asshole

While aimless flipping channels Wednesday night, we stumbled upon maybe the most wonderfully, disturbing show we've ever seen - My Strange Addiction on TLC.  We watched for all of 15 minutes but that was plenty of time to understand its allure.  It was love at first sight.  In a sea of "Point and Laugh" television shows, ones that pretend to be educational but really just want us to laugh at their subjects, this one stands out for the pure absurdity of subject matter.  It's not your run of the mill TLC show about a dude who weights 700 pounds or a woman with 6 breasts or womb that can't stop spitting out babies or even the one with the little people.  It's something a whole lot more .... odd. 

The concept completely straightforward, they profile a bunch of people with addictions, none of which really seem like addictions but rather just odd behaviors, and in a us feel better about the fact that we pick our nose in the car or keep that childhood doll under the bed.  Some of the stuff is comparatively normal like scab picking, cleaning, buying shoes, sucking your thumb, Jersey Shore-related problems like working out too much or over tanning, eating crazy shit like toilet paper, detergent, household cleanser, couch cushions (we prefer throw pillows) or your own hair (apparently the follicles are particularly tasty).  (They apparently have an episode about someone who's addicted to cats, which we think is totally out of place.  Don't you agree Max and Milo?  They agree.) 

Where the show really makes its mark is with "addictions" that are just so absurd they deserve an entirely separate shows called "The Weird Thing I Do That Makes Me An Asshole."  They're "addicted" to things like ventriloquism (?), wearing a fur suit (BTW, it's not a "suit" its a "Fursona" and apparently the woman wears it all her "social events."  Really?  Does a person who wears a furry suit everywhere really have a robust social life?  Here we were thinking people wouldn't invite someone wearing a bunny costume to their dinner party.) or maybe collecting rocks (which sometimes it leads Belinda into dangerous neighborhoods where she picks up a "special" kind of rock.) (Check out the episode guide for more details.)

Of course, we also have two favorites. 

The first is Lori who sleeps with her blow dryer.  Yeah, read that again - She. Sleeps. With. Her. Blow.  Dryer.  While it's running.  No, it's not because her house is cold or she can't afford heat or something, she's just likes the sound or some crap.  In completely unsurprising developments, she's not only been burned been burned by damn thing but her husband left because she was a freak of nature.  She didn't need to go on the show to find a cure, we have two easy ideas for her:  (1) she could just stop being an asshole; or (2) instead of sleeping with a blow-dryer, start bathing with a curling iron.




Our hands-down favorite is our boy Davecat (we can't figure out if he's related to the small tractor or the comedian who made a career out of doing a weird voice).  (Check out the video here.)  As you'd imagine, for someone rocking the "Flock of Seagulls" haircut in the year 2010, Davecat (or "DC" as we like to call him) might have a little trouble meeting women.  So what does he do in response?  What any guy would do, he buys a life-like silicon doll.  At first, they date.  Like many relationships, it started off purely physical (DC "knew the sex would be amazing" because dong it with am expressionless piece of plastic that vaguely resembles a corpse is ALWAYS fantastical) but eventually due to their shared interests (DC likes to take pictures, she like to sit still) they developed a deeper emotional bond and get married (or pretend or whatever, as if it really matters at that point.)  While DC has some concerns that his "silicone wife" will hinder his chances with a "real" woman, we don't share his concerns.  We're quite sure that eventually, someday he'll met a special lady whose self-esteem is just low enough to be cool with it.  If not, he can take comfort in knowing that "Doll Love Lasts Forever."  Creep.

We guess it's possible that these people have some deep-seeded emotional issues but isn't it equally probable that they're just bored and want some attention.  If nothing else, we think we've proven if you're going to put yourself on tv and be subject to ridicule, we'll be happy to oblige. 

Has anyone else seen this show?  Do you have a favorite asshole?  Let us know.

Best Moment in TV History - Tracy Morgan Shares His Thoughts on Sarah Palin With the TNT Pre-Game Show

We very rarely watch any type of pre-game show but for some reason (divine intervention, perhaps?) we ended up sitting through TNT's unveiling of the NBA All Star starters last night.  It actually wasn't half bad since they let the hosts have a conversation instead of giving canned sound bites.  Things got even better when they inexplicably decided to give Tracy Morgan a microphone on live television.  On the "Crazy Scale" that decision he falls somewhere between giving one to Kanye West and Charles Manson.  For anyone unfamiliar with his work, let's just say the character Tracy plays on "30 Rock" doesn't really require him to stretch his creative muscles.  Whether its real of he's playing a character all the time, he generally comes off as a bit of a nut job.  Needless to say, our interest was peaked as we anticipated potential disaster.  We were not disappointed as he gave us what are being called "suggestive" comments about the Queen of Alaska herself, Sarah Palin. 




Ahh, the joys of live television.  Did you see the "get us the hell out of here" look Ernie Johnson gave off camera?  Priceless. 

Live Blogging The State of the Union

We're live at the Persnickety Lair.  Joined by The Mrs, ready to blog the shit out of the State of The Union.

Right now we're tuned to CNN in the SITUATION ROOM with Wolf Blitzer (easily the most ridiculous name in cable news - that's totally a weatherman name)

9:02 - We're officially "Awaiting Pres. Obama's Entrance" - the anticipation is palpable.  Playing "Name That Cabinet Member" with The Mrs.  She likes Hillary's hair, we think she looks a little ..... buff?

9:04 - Apparently it's "Date Night" at the Capitol, with many D's and R's sitting next to each other. We're told "the atmospherics on the floor are wonderful."

9:06 - The President is in the house!!  He's greeted by the members of Congress like desperate teenagers trying to get the attention of the star quarterback (yes, it's 1950 in the Lair). 

9:07 - Not sure which is worse, the guy shaking hands who looks like Teen Wolf or the one with the camera?

9:09 - Official tie color determination - purple.  Wolf thinks he's trying to make a statement, we think Wolf is color blind, it's totally blue.  Wolf is desperate for a situation.

9:11 - John Boehner getting teary eyed as he introduces the President.  Congress really is a bunch of teenage girls.

9:12 - Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap

9:13 - If you're going to sit in the seat next to the lady who was just shot in Arizona, maybe you wear a tie?  The Miami Vice look is hardly ever wrong, but maybe just this once. 

9:15 - Kumbaya!!!

9:17 - Who knew that gave out programs at the SOU?  The crowd looks like us during mass at a wedding.

9:19 - This just in:  technology has changed the world. 

9:20 - No workers are more productive than ours?  Apparently, Obama hasn't been in any office anywhere in this country lately.  Does blogging count as productive?  If so, we're easily in the top 67%.

9:21 - Biden is either really agreeable or REALLY REALLY tired.  The head nod is in full effect.

9:22 - Al Gores disagrees with your Internet comment, Mr. Obama

9:23 - Light bulbs, airplanes, Internet search engines, online people stalking.  American innovation at its best.

9:24 - "CTRL-X, CTRL-V"

9:25 - We always thought they told the new presidents that the moon landing was fake on the first day in office.  Guess Barack didn't get the "big reveal."  Does this mean he thinks there aren't aliens?

9:26 - In 2016, we'll have a million electric cars on the road with dead batteries.  Seriously, we can't even keep our cell phone charged.

9:28 - If Boehner's reaction to that clean energy thing is an indication, the R's don't seem like they'll be in a "working together" mood

9:29 - The winner of the science fair is a nerd.  Do they get invited to the White House to give the president a wedgie with his name on it?

9:31 - Leave the children behind!!! CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP!!!!!

9:33 - $10,000 for four years of college?  That should cover books, maybe

9:36 - Kerry and McCain on a man-date.  Wonder what they have to talk about?

9:37 - If you come here to get an education, you're not taking all that learning back to compete against us, we're sending your ass to Gitmo.

9:39 - Jobs building roads?  Where do we sign up!!

9:40 - This isn't about faster Internet, it's about more apps.  Forget farmers, we want "Angry Birds 3"

9:41 - Goddamn lawyers and their understanding of arcane tax laws!!  Kill em all. 

9:44 - Note to CNN - extended close-up shots of Waxman should be avoided at all costs.  Please.

9:45 - How do you get on the list of "people who get paraded around during the State of the Union"?

9:46 - Is it too much to hope that Obama is going to pull an Oprah and tell everyone to look under their coaches to find debt forgiveness certificates?  $4 billion dollars!!!!

9:47 - Wait, the worst of the recession is over?  Are we sure about that?

9:52 - FUCK THE RICH!!! FUCK THE RICH!!

9:54 - Smoked Salmon.  Never.  Not.  Funny.

9:56 - Joe Biden - "That's Right Bitches, No More Earmarks.  Suck it!!"

9:58 - Gratuitous shot of military person. Cue standing ovation.  If there's one thing all these asses can agree on it's that everybody loves to show they love the military.

9:59 - American Muslims are part of our family - seems like that should have gotten a 100% applause.   Guess we're not quite past that ignorance yet.

10:02 - With Chile on our side, we can't lose.  Love their big mouth burgers.

10:04 - Foreign policy ....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

10:05 - Wake up people!! Time to support some more troops!!

10:06 - Welcome back from Afghanistan, here's your shovel, go build a road.

10:06 - Gays in the military - how is this controversial, again?

10:07 - If they don't want a bad story in the newspaper, they kill the reporter. 

10:08 - We wouldn't trade being American, but the French government doing our laundry does make it kind of tempting.

10:09 - Someone get Boehner a tissue.  He's a blubbering mess.

10:11 - 3 or 4 hour days - the true American dream.

10:13 - The Union is strong.  Kept us waiting on that one.  We were starting to get worried.
Goodnight Ladies and Gentlemen and remember - DO BIG THINGS!!

AFC Postmortem - Jets Glimpse Their Future (Hopefully)

Remember when you were 18?  It's a long time ago, but give it a try.  You were young and strong and naively believed you were smart and had finally figured things out.  You were ready to take on everything the world could throw at you and were ready to bend life to your will.  You couldn't imagine being better then you were in those days.  Basically, you were an idiot. 

Now, imagine your cocky, little 18-year old ass gets transported to the future, say 10 years.  Since this is already a totally contrived scenario, you end up having to fight a masked man.  Fuck it, we'll even put it on the moon.  So you're all set to fight this masked man, in the future, on the moon.  (Maybe it's the third round of the tournament and you've already beat a tall guy with a big head and a smaller dude with bad hair and a big reputation in moon fighting who bears a striking resemblance to the kid who used to bully you and take your lunch money as a freshman.  Or maybe not, it's choose your own adventure.)  As you're sizing up the masked man, you can see he's about your size only a bit thicker and with a little less hair and figure he's older.

So right as you're preparing to whip this old dude's ass, he rips off the mask to reveal that ... HE'S YOU!!  Just 10 years older.  So who wins?  The older version, of course.  It's close because your young and spry, but ultimately the smarter, stronger, BETTER version prevails.  As you grasp for one last breath of non-existent oxygen, all you can think is: "This is how the Jets must have felt as they ran into a better, more experienced version of themselves - the Pittsburgh Steelers - thus ending America's favorite, non-dinkus related football story."

From "Hard Knocks" until Sunday, we heard all about how the Jets believed they were the best team in the league. They were soo confident that they had the talent, the desire, the everything needed win the Super Bowl.  Despite all that bluster and all the big off-season moves (Tomlinson, Cromartie, Holmes, The Jason Taylor Statue), and they couldn't got just as far as last year.  In many way, it was much worse.


Last year getting to the conference championship was a surprise. This year getting there fell short of expectations.

Last year they lost to a team that was inarguably better.  This year, they lost to a flawed team to whom they were at least equal.

Last time they had a lead and lost it. This year they got run over (yeah, it ended up close but 24-0, is 24-0 and the Steelers made the plays they needed to make).

Can they find a way to get back next year and finally get over that hump?  That brings us back to our original point - The Steelers are who the Jets want to be - as a team, an organization and a brand. 

Perhaps its not conscious or overt but the similarities are obvious. The young, dynamic, coach.  A power running offense with receivers who impact the game without having huge stats.  Aggressive defensive schemes, predicated on pressure.  A quarterback who isn't always pretty but gets the job done.  (The Steeelers have an obviously large advantage here - which is why they won the game on Sunday - but the more we watch Sanchez the more we see some of the same qualities that make Big Ben special).  All the elements are there.  You can almost imagine Woody Johnson, an owner who yearns to eclipse the Giants as the premium franchise in the NFL's biggest market, trying to copy the blueprint like a kid with tracing paper. 

The Steelers are just better and they should be since they've been at it for more than 40 years.  From the Rooney's on down, the Steelers have maintained, yet adapted, their overarching organizational philosophy to allow them to consistently identify talented players that fit their culture.  Not coincidentally they're about to take a shot at their 7th Super Bowl.  They've mastered the true secret to long-term winning - a stable organizational philosophy.

Up until now, the Jets have been completely devoid of any such philosophy.  They've gone from coach to coach, system to system, like someone groping for the light switch in the dark at night.  Jets fans have to hope that they've finally found an owner who understands how destructive a pattern of short-term solutions can be and is committed to allowing the combination of Mike Tannenbaum and Rex Ryan to continue to build the team with consistency and patience.  For us, the entire key to the Jets offseason is understanding that no matter how close they are, true championship organizations are build over decades. They can't panic and sink big money into aging players in search of the missing piece. 

They have to continue to establish themselves as an organization that players want to play for and add to and nurture their young core by identifying young players who can be developed and ultimately plugged into their system - like the Steelers do.  They need to go from being a "now" team to an "always" team.

In that vain, they need to move forward this offseason and not focus on last year.  That's going to take some difficult decisions.  LT and Jason Taylor need to go, no questions asked.  Guys like Bart Scott, Shaun Ellis, Tony Richardson, Damien Woody, and Kris Jenkins need to be critically evaluated.  They can't overpay Edwards and Cromartie but have to do whatever they can to retain Shonn Greene, David Harris and SanAntonio Holmes and finally find a damn pass rusher.

None of it is nearly as easy as it sounds, but, after two years of unprecedented success, we'll see if Jets (finally) get it. 

Real Football - The New England Patriots - Where Are The Studs?

Think this guy would have helped the Pats on Sunday?
Oh, what could have been.

Where Are The Studs?

Are we for sure the Jets beating the Pats was a huge upset?  Sure the Pats were 14-2.  Sure they beat the crap out of the Jets 45-3 just a few weeks earlier.  And sure they're the Pats.  But if you look at the New England roster, you're left with one nagging question about a team that's supposed to be that good - Where are the studs?

We don't even mean that as a criticism.  In fact, it's really a testament to both the coaching staff and the great Tom Brady that they could take a team with a distinct lack of playmakers and win that many games, score that many points and generally dominate the regular season. 

Compare the Pats roster to the Jets roster. The Jets have a really good offensive line and guys like Greene, Holmes, Edwards, Ellis, Scott, Harris, Revis, Cromartie who, despite their warts, create the types of individual mismatches that can tilt playoff games.  Who do the Pats have that do that?  Brady and Wilfork, of course, and we'd probably give you McCourty and Mayo. But who else? Merriweather? Woodhead? Branch? Hernadekowski? The line that's been exposed in big spots?  Even Welker is a complimentary guy but he's not a #1 receiver.  The Pats have a roster of incredible depth - lots of C's with a few A's and B's thrown in.  The Jets have a bunch of A's and B's, some C's and F's plus a few "incompletes" and shit.  Maybe over a long season, you could argue the balanced roster is better, but when when the playoffs come around and you don't have the individual players who can make a big play on their own, you have to be perfect to win.  Not an easy task.

Isn't That How They Roll?

And don't be fooled by the common perception that the Pats' Super Bowl winning teams were just a star-less bunch of grinders. Those teams were full of players like Brady, Ty Law, Lawyer Milloy, Teddy Bruschi, Mike Vrabel, Richard Seymour, Willie McGinest, Rodney Harrison, Corey Dillon, Young Deion Branch, and Wilfork; the exact types of guys were talking about.  Their most dominant team of the run - the 18-1 team that lost to the Giants - had Welker and, of course, Randy Moss to go along with many of those guys.  Back then, the Pats used their magical ability to find veterans and other unheralded guys to compliment their studs as a huge competitive advantage.  They didn't do it without talent.

Gearing Up For The Next Run?

Obviously, those teams were special and this version is still very young but it seems to be an accepted fact that the Pats are just gearing up for one final run at trophies with The Hair.  That these young guys are just going to get older and become dominant players, worthy of their predecessors.  Maybe that's true but maybe it isn't.  While guys like McCourty, Merriweather and Mayo seem to be on their way, none of the other guys are can't miss prospects.  The talent just isn't overwhelming.

What Could Hve Been

For a team with such a great reputation for spotting talent, they haven't made it easy on themselves with lots of weird draft maneuvering and some just plain misses.  While they continue to be excellent at finding guys later in the draft or free agency (Green-Ellis, Woodhead, Gary Guyton, for example) but looking back at their draft picks since 2005, they've only found 8 established starters (Makins, Kaczur (on IR), Merriweather, Mayo, Chung, Vollmer, McCourty and Gronkowski).  The rest of the roster is made up of older vets (many of whom they drafted) and free agents they picked up here and there. 

We recognize how specious the "coulda had" argument is but its still fun and a team as good at identifying talent the Pats is held to a different standard.  Check out some of the guys selected near picks the Pats either made that didn't yield a starter or traded in the last 5 years, including the forfeited pick from Spygate (NEVER FORGET): LeSean McCoy, Mike Wallace, Brandon Flowers, Kenny Phillips, Matt Forte, Ray Rice, DeSean Jackson, Jon Beason, Jamaal Charles, Johnathan Joseph, Santonio Holmes, DeAngelo Williams, Nick Mangold, Greg Jennings (they traded the pick used on him to go up to get Chad Jackson), Maurice Jones-Drew, Elvis Dumerville and Brandon Marshall.  You'd think The Genius would have stumbled into a few of these guys, right?  Even one of them could have been huge.

Wheeling and Dealing

Even when they haven't quite whiffed, the Pats seem to have fallen in love with their maneuvering, valuing quantity over quantity.  Take the 2009 Draft, for example.  The day started with New England sitting at 23 but they out of the first round completely, trading picks that ended up being pro-bowlers, Michael Oeher (#23) and Clay Matthews (#26), before ultimately making their first pick (after trading back up) at 34.  The pick?  Mr. Fake Punt himself, Patrick Chung.  Chung is a good player but its got to drive Pats fans nuts that their team thought themselves out of Oeher and Matthews (not to mention Kenny Britt or Hakeem Nicks)  Worse yet, they always have so many picks that they probbaly could have still added guys like Vollmer and Edelman (and maybe even Chung) in the later rounds anyway.  Guess it's just all part of some mater plan that mere mortals like us can't appreciate.

Less Is More

As the Pats move forward and try to recreate the impossible, we think they'd be smart to focus less on quantity and more on quality.  If they're going to trade, why not move up to get their hands on some of the premium talent to compliment their depth and go back to using the ability to find undrafted guys as their great competitive advantage.

A Review of Spiderman The Musical: Turn Off The Dark - Please Turn It Off

They're coming for your money ...
and your sense of good entertainment. 

We love interesting stuff.  Doesn't matter if it' good or bad, just as long as its not boring.  So going into Saturday night's preview showing of "Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark", we had no expectations, only hope it would be interesting.  We were not disappointed.  Don't get us wrong, it wasn't good by any means.  It was just spectacular ... spectacularly, bad.  From the flat, boring music to Spiderman being turned into a whiny bitch to the villains that were less menacing as a drag show to the awfulness that will be forever etched in our memory that was Arachne, it was ....just .... so ... bad.  In the spirit of Broadway, let's take it from the top ...
(Don't worry if you don't get the title, after enduring it for 3 hours we still don't what the hell "Turn Off The Dark" means.)

The Big Opening

The anticipation in the theater as palpable as the musicians took the stage (we kept hoping the two duded with Bono and The Edge disguises as a redheaded Jewish guy and a long-haired, leather-vested, rocker dude) and jumped right into the first chords of the shows "Spiderman Theme" (which sounds a lot like a recycled "do-do-do-do-do" riff from "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me") as the curtain rose revealing our hero, on a bridge (the sets were actually really good) doing a supposed-to-be dramatic slow motion run towards his love Mary Jane (or MJ for the uninitiated) as she hung precariously off the edge (of the bridge, not the dude with the wool hat).  It was a good start, until the confusion set in:

Oh, no, MJ fell, good thing Spiderman is there to save her!! ... Wait, why is he still running in slow motion? ... Maybe if he ran a little faster you'd save her!! ...  Seriously, enough with the slow motion ... Is that voice over the loudspeaker yelling "Stop" part of the show? ... What the hell is going on. 

Apparently she wasn't supposed to fall, so they stopped the show due to a "technical malfunction" and that pretty much set the tone for the rest of the nights festivities.  When they finally restarted 10 minutes later, they simply blew off that first scene completely and introduced us to ...

The Geek Chorus

(Get it? it's like "Greek Chorus" except its different!)

So these 4 kids just walk on stage with no explanation of what's supposed to be happening and start babbling about Spiderman's history.  For about 5 minutes we sat there figuring this was just some diversion while they got things ready to restart the real show.  No such luck. 

Then we thought they might be comic relief but they failed to say anything remotely funny (or even earn a courtesy laugh from the eager to please audience).  From what we read later they were supposed to be coming up with some sort of "fan fiction" or something.  It was never quite clear how they fit in. (So they're writing the story?  Then why are they in Spiderman's bedroom talking to him? Maybe it's better if we just stop thinking for awhile.)

 What was completely clear, however, was that they were cool, urban geeks.  You could tell because one of them was wearing fingerless gloves (he also inexplicably had a guitar with him at one point), another had thick black-rimmed glasses and the other two, they wore wool hats.   

Beyond providing an element of confusion, there main contribution was to introduce the audience to ....

Arachne

In a all-star cast of terrible decisions, she was the undisputed star.  (We like to think of her as the water skis to the producers' Fonzi.) 

Oh, Arachne.  How we hate you so.  Apparently, her back story is some JV-level Greek myth about a woman who was really good at weaving that she beat Athena (the Goddess of Weaving, of course) in a Weave-Off, so Athena gets all pissy and makes her the first spider.  You see, it's relevant because Spiderman also has something to do with spiders.  The only good thing she did was provide us with the chance to witness someone spontaneously bury their face in their hands with disgust when she kept popping up at random times. 

So when they're done shoehorning her in, we move right along to ...

The Spiderman Origin Story

You now the drill.  Boy is gigantic wussy, boy loves girl nest door, boy gets beat up by bullies, boy gets bitten by a radioactive spider that gives him superpowers.  Pretty standard stuff.  As part of this chapter, we get treated to lots and lots of ...

Dance Fighting

$53 kajillion dollars (give or take) and they can't make the fights looks like fights instead of raves?  All that was missing were the glow sticks and lollipops.  They had better fights in "Jersey Boys."  At least in that show they didn't blatantly throw punches that missed by a good 3 yards. 

Not to be outdone, they included a scene where Spiderman actually fights a giant blow-up doll that is supposed to be a wrestler.  We are not kidding.  He.  Fought.  A. Blow-up.  Doll.  Imagine how bad and silly you would think that would be and then multiply it by 7 million.  You're halfway there.

Let's move on to the only good part of the show ...

The Green Goblin

The Green Goblin (Norman Osborn - the creator of the spider that bit Peter Parker - after doing genetic experiments on himself), played with a certain "80's Robin Williams Doing Stand-up With a Southern Accent"-mania that was a welcome diversion from the ongoing shit show.  It was the only 20 minutes of fun in the almost 3-hour slog, including one cool aerial fight scene that had both he and Spidey swooping over the stage.  Of course, he dies unceremoniously and we get ....

Intermission

Despite the slow start, we thought they might keep the momentum going.  Unfortunately, things went right off the rails immediately in Act 2 with the introduction of ...

The Sinister Six

How do you screw up a group of six of the most evil villains in the Spiderman universe?  Well, you can start by introducing them through a "Villain Beauty Pageant."   Yeah, that really happened.  Read it again if you don't believe us. 

The producers must have figured, what better way to raise the danger level then to have the bad guys make like "Right Said Fred" on the catwalk.  It might not have been so bad it they didn't all look do goddamn ridiculous.  Ladies and gentlemen, we present the "Sashaying  Six"
Carnage:  Something that's supposed to look like this ...

 ... shouldn't remind us of this purple freak:

Electro:  Instead of this guy ...

 ... we got this guy with sparklers in his hands and on the top of his head.

Kraven the Hunter:  A dangerous Australian "hunter of man" ...

 ... comes off much more like a "man of potatoes" with a growling lion scarf. 

The Lizard: Why why do something like this ...  

... when you can make him a fat scientist who "transforms' by having one of these protrude from his neck:

Swarm: A concept is so ridiculous the costume really didn't matter.  A Nazi scientist made of radioactive bees ...  

Swiss Miss:  A character they openly made up who looked as scary as this woman ..

... carrying a pinwheel of death. 
Somehow, Spiderman is able to dispose of this deadly group in about 45 seconds.  But then he's really tiredso he takes a nap and has some ...

Floaty Spider Almost Sex

Arachne returns!!  Don't worry folks, she wasn't just there to make the first part of the show really boring. No, she's going to absolutely obliterate the second act as well.  So, apparently, after she was made the first spider, she got stuck in the completely contrived "astral plane" where she's supposedly been waiting and she's been waiting for Spiderman (?) to free her (??) or some other random, no making sense crap.  So visits Spidey in his dream and they have some kind of floaty spider almost sex.  It's as weird as it sounds.  Of course, Peter wakes up just in time to ...

Miss MJ's Play

So they're together now?  When and how exactly did that happen?  And how did she end up in a production of "The Fly" on Broadway?  Either way, she's pissed, they fight, break up perhaps, and we get a heaping helping of ...

Whining

Holy shit was Spiderman whiny - I'm not cool. You're old and smell like mothballs Aunt May. I love MJ but but I can't because I'm Spiderman and there are villains out there with pinwheels and sparklers who might hurt her. I'm so sad. The music Dashboard Confessional speaks to me. I don't want to be a super hero anymore. Let's sing a song.

God, what a mush. So, whiny Peter decides to quit the superhero game and ...

Eat Canned Peaches With MJ

Peter and MJ get together, they dance to U2 music (really, you're that arrogant that you play your own music, guys?) and enjoy canned peaches, together. Everything is great, until ...

The Blackout

Arachne continues her plan to do whatever it is she's supposed to be doing by causing a blackout in the city because she wants Peter to go back to being Spiderman (why? Let us know if you can figure it out) so she decides to use her powers (where did she get powers, exactly?) to turn off all the lights in the city and ...

Resurrect the Bad Guys

Oh goody!! The Green Goblin is back. Sadly, he brought the Sinister Six with him.  How to they celebrate their resurrection?  Why, dance fighting all over the city, of course.  They're killing people by reenacting scenes from Madonna's "Vogue" video and since Spiderman has retired to a life of bitching and whining with MJ, things get downright CRAZY!!

Spidey could care less.  He's got peaches to eat.  So Arachne takes things to a whole new level by crossing over from the completely contrived astral plane by using the power of ...

Pairs of Stolen Shoes

Rex Ryan would have loved this part.  Apparently, putting on stolen high heels gives her the power to do whatever it is she did cause she's had enough of whatever she's had enough of.  She kidnaps MJ to finally get Spidey back in action.  Spidey in understandably distraught so he does what any good hero would do, he ....

Runs and Runs and Runs and Runs and Runs

So far away, but he couldn't get away.  And he sang the whole time.  just running and singing.   This is a good place to talk about ....

The Music

We're big U2 fans so we figured, at the very least, the music and lyrics by Sunglasses and the Beanie would be good.  Apparently, we miunderestimated the stark difference between writing rock music and writing lyrical, storytelling show music.  The songs sounded like an outtake from U2's next album - "How To Build An Atomic Bomb on Broadway" - and with a few rare exceptions, they didn't seem to have anything to do with or advance the story at all. For example, the running thing.  Spiderman is just running and running and running and running and he's signing a song about something, (running, perhaps?) but by the end all you can think is - "Wow, that guy must be tired from all that running".  We doubt that's what they were going for. 

So after he's done with his jog, Spidey kills all the bad guys again (this time in a record 30 seconds) by doing "Street Fighter" moves and making them explode into red goo.  But, uh oh, MJ is back on the bridge and Spidey is doing some more slo-mo running.  She she falls, on purpose this time, and so begins ...

The Big Dumb Finale

Spidey jumps off the bridge after MJ (Maybe he was trying to save her?  Maybe he was trying to kill himself?  Maybe he was shooting for an aolymipic gold metal?  You guess is as good as ours).  Either way, he ends up in Arachne's web where MJ is being held hostage.  Arachne blabs about wanting to take him back acrioss the astral plane with him in exchange for freeing MJ.  They have a lame-ass fight until Spidey gives up and says he'll go with her. Then, for reasons only known to the writers and not shared with the lowly audience, Arachne inexplicably decides that's enough for her and agrees to let him and MJ go. No worries because then Spidey kisses her on the forhead and she's magically free (WTF!?!).  As she floats away to whever it is things float to, she reveals to Peter that is was all an ....

ILLUSION!!!

Wait, what?  Was it just the blackout?  The whole show?  Did the top stop spinning?  Anyway, Spidey, now awake, is back with MJ, who apparently knows his true identity, and goes back to fighting crime ...

The End.

Based on our extensive knowledge of Broadway history, we have to expect that this musical, superhero, extravaganza of absurdity will go down not only as the most expensive production in history but also the biggest bust.  We can't imagine how this thing is ever going to make it's money back.  In fact, we wouldn't be suprised if once word gets around it never actually opens (though the sheer amount of money at stake probably means it will).  Either way, as fans of highly questionable art, we highly encourage you to witness it for yourself before the dark is turned off for good.

Douchebag Finds Self Jobless and in Debt, Blames Law School

We like to pretend we've got ideas for books and movies (self delusion is one of are strong suits).  One book - "How To Go Broke on $200,000 a Year"  - half written in our head (we'll finish it as soon as we figure out how to not end up homeless on half that) plus we've got a movie about a guy who receives text messages from his dead father.  It's called "Heaven Sent." Yeah, that's right.  (You can't tell us people with really poor taste in movies wouldn't flock to see that sappy piece of shit.) 

So when we came across this New York Times article discussing the scourge that is law school, it made us think that another one of our ideas might actually have some merit.  For those who are too lazy to read it (we highly recommend taking the time), the point of the story is there are too many law schools, many of which fudge graduate employment statistics to entice students to enroll (and take out loans), spitting out ridiculously high graduation classes to flood the already depressed legal market.  Now, these newly minted JD's who can't seem find jobs, are pissed:

There were fewer complaints about fudging and subsidizing when legal jobs were plentiful. But student loans have always been the financial equivalent of chronic illnesses because there is no legal way to shake them. So the glut of diplomas, the dearth of jobs and those candy-coated employment statistics have now yielded a crop of furious young lawyers who say they mortgaged their future under false pretenses. You can sample their rage, and their admonitions, on what are known as law school scam blogs, with names like Shilling Me Softly, Subprime JD and Rose Colored Glasses.

We can certainly understand why they'd be pissed.  At this point in our career, we're quite disillusioned and equally in debt.  But you can't just blame the law schools for your problems like its some ponzi scheme perpetrated by Dean Madoff.  Maybe schools do crappy stuff (like hiring alumni to work temp jobs right around the time hiring numbers are due) to get those 99%'s, but isn't cynicism the #1 trait of budding lawyers?  We doubt that finding jobs is the real issue that's driving unrest in the legal profession though since the majority would apparently do it all over again, anyway, betting on one very expensive lottery ticket:

There is no shortage of 22-year-olds who think that law school is the perfect place to wait out a lousy economy and the gasoline that fuels this system — federally backed student loans — is still widely available ... Independent surveys find that most law students would enroll even if they knew that only a tiny number of them would wind up with six-figure salaries. Nearly all of them, it seems, are convinced that they’re going to win the ring toss at this carnival and bring home the stuffed bear ...

It's not just getting a job that's the issue.  It's the lack of fulfillment in the profession itself.  The problem is the people, like us, who go to law school thinking that The Law would be "interesting" or "challenging" or some other bullshit like that who end up disappointed.  You could give every single of of us a job at a huge law firm tomorrow and not much would change.  We didn't fully understand what we were getting into.  Law is for realists.  It's serious shit.  And to succeed, you need a plan, there's not just going to be a job waiting for you on the other side.

The first question on the LSAT should be what your career goal is and if you answer something vague like "I want to help people", you're forcibly removed from the test facility and banned forever.  You can't just go to law school because you hated your major in college, had no job prospects and figured, what the hell, we like school, might as well continue, assuming that, even if you don't like practicing, a law degree could never serve as a detriment.  Yeah, um, no.  Do that and you end up like us at a weird crossroads, wondering where the hell we're supposed to go next.  Maybe the overabundance of law schools, means that more people who don't quite understand the deal are finding there way into the system.  But that's not the schools fault, it's our fault. 

(If you want to hate on law schools for something, go after them for not stressing practical skills enough so that graduates who happen to find the job market not accomodating will have some of the skills they need to start their own law firm or work for a small business where there isn't a partner to teach them how to tie their shoes.  Being a new lawyer is like being thrown out in the Arctic without any clothes - if you can't find somebody to take you in and teach you how to survive, you're dead.)

That brings us back to our other book idea - "The Big Book of Consequences" (subtitle "Things That Could Have Been Brought To Our Attention Yesterday") which would explain up front what comes of all those decisions that people make that don't seem like a big deal at the time but end up screwing you 20 years later.  You know, like going to more school just for the heck of it.  (Of course, it'll be short and have lots of pictures.)  Maybe, a book like could keep people from making mistakes like we made and spare everyone from having to listen to us bitch and complain. 

But at least we take responsibility for our issue.  We work, pay our bills.  All that important stuff that responsible people do.  It sucks but its life.  So you can understand why we'd lack any semblance of sympathy for the guy the Times picked as the face of this story - Michael Wallerstein (we'll use his full name on the very real chance he has a google alert set up on himself).  It's not law school that's the problem, Mr. Wallerstein, THE PROBLEM IS YOU.

IF there is ever a class in how to remain calm while trapped beneath $250,000 in loans [from law school], Michael Wallerstein ought to teach it.

Wow, this guy must have a bunch of useful tips to pass on, ways to take productive steps to dealing with debt problems, like exploring debt relief programs, creative ways to make money, etc. 

Here he is, sitting one afternoon at a restaurant on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, a tall, sandy-haired, 27-year-old radiating a kind of surfer-dude serenity. His secret, if that’s the right word, is to pretty much ignore all the calls and letters that he receives every day from the dozen or so creditors now hounding him for cash.

Or not.

Sample Syllabus for "How To Remain Calm While Trapped Beneath $250,000 in Loans" from Full of Shit Douchebag University

Week 1 - Dying Your Hair That Sandy-Brown Color
Week 2 - Finding Your Inner Surfer Dude Serenity.  Sample text: "Dude!" by Pete Carroll. 
Week 3 - Learning to Radiate
Week 4 - How  I learned to Stop Caring About My Responsibilities And Love The Ignore Button On My Cell Phone

Perhaps we're being too harsh.  Maybe something really bad happened and he just can't pay his bills.  Let's read on.

Mr. Wallerstein, who can’t afford to pay down interest and thus watches the outstanding loan balance grow, is in roughly the same financial hell as people who bought more home than they could afford during the real estate boom. But creditors can’t foreclose on him because he didn’t spend the money on a house.  He spent it on a law degree.

Except for the fact that, while people lose their houses, he gets to keep his law degree, eat lunch with his sandy-brown hair and surfer dude serenity and bitch to the New York Times.  Seems like he's doing just find.  Maybe we should all stop paying our bills.

WHEN he started in 2006, Michael Wallerstein knew little about the Thomas Jefferson School of Law, other than that it was in San Diego, which seemed like a fine place to spend three years.

The Big Book of Consequences - Chapter 12:  Choosing A School - Don't be a dumbass and pick a school solely based on the climate.  The end.

“I looked at schools in Pennsylvania and Long Island,” he says, “but I thought, why not go somewhere I’ll enjoy?”

Because then you'll have a degree from a school that's 3,000 miles away from home which dramatically decreases your already slim chances of getting a job because no one you apply to will have ever heard of it, and if they have they probably think is in Virgina anyway?  Other than that, we can't think of a single problem with your logic.
   
Mr. Wallerstein is chatting over lunch one recent afternoon with his fiancée, Karin Michonski. She, too, seems unperturbed by his dizzying collection of i.o.u.’s. Despite those debts, she hopes that he does not wind up in one of those time-gobbling corporate law jobs.  “We like hanging out together,” she says with a laugh.

Awww, isn't that cute.  It's a shame that working will get in the way of their hanging out.  Thankfully the rest of us that hate our partners and can't wait to spend 12+ hours a day out of the house away from them.  We hope it rains on their wedding day.

If love paid the bills, these two would be debt-free tomorrow.

And if terrible lines could kill, this article would be a serial killer. 

But it doesn’t, and Mr. Wallerstein has no money in the bank, no assets and — aside from the occasional job as a legal temp — no wages to garnish. He and Ms. Michonski live rent-free in a nearby brownstone, in return for keeping an eye on the elderly man who owns the place.

Again, why are we supposed to feel bad for this kid? 

“Sometimes the banks will threaten to sue,” he says, “but one of the first things you learn in law school, in civil procedure class, is that it doesn’t make sense to sue someone who doesn’t have anything.”

Is there any doubt why people hate lawyers?  Smug little shit.

WHEN Mr. Wallerstein started at Thomas Jefferson ... [h]e borrowed so much that before the start of his first semester he nearly put a down payment on a $350,000 two-bedroom, two-bath condo, figuring that the investment would earn a profit by the time he graduated ... Instead, Mr. Wallerstein rented a spacious apartment. He also spent a month studying in the South of France and a month in Prague — all on borrowed money.

We hate to belabor the point again, but WHY SHOULD WE FEEL SORRY FOR THIS GUY!!  Admittedly, you need to borrow money during school since you can't work due to the academic obligations, but if you borrow so much that you can BUY A FRIGGING HOUSE maybe you should take a step back and examine your thought process.  And perhaps he'd have had an easier time getting a job after school if he worked instead of dicking around in Prague and Cannes.  If you want to be able to do that crap and not owe a shit ton of money then go to a cheap school, save your money, or be born to extremely rich parents.  Your choice, dude. 

Today, his best guess is that he should be sending $2,000 to $3,000 a month in total, to lenders that include Wells Fargo, Citibank and Sallie Mae. “There are a bunch of others,” he says. “I’m not really good at keeping records.”

Ugh. 

AS a student, Mr. Wallerstein assumed that the very scale of law school — all the paperwork, all the professors, all the tests — implied that pots of gold awaited anyone with smarts, charm and a willingness to work hard. He began to doubt that assumption when the firm where he had interned told him that it hadn’t been profitable for two years and could not offer him a full-time job.

Welcome to the real world, jackass.

Mr. Wallerstein and his fiancée moved back East after graduation, and he landed a job at a small firm in Queens. He says he was paid $10 an hour and worked for a manager who seemed to have walked straight out of a Dickens novel. Over a firm-wide lunch, as Labor Day approached, she asked employees to thank her, one at a time, for giving them the holiday off.   “When it was my turn, I said, ‘Labor Day is about celebrating the 40-hour workweek, weekends, that sort of thing,’ ” Mr. Wallerstein recalls. “She said, ‘Well, workers have that now so you don’t need a day off to celebrate it.’ ”  He lasted less than a month.

Ohh, poor baby.  Did you have a mean, mean boss?  Surely, nobody else in the world has to deal with such atrocities as thanking their boss for a day off just so they can have the money pay their bills.  Thank god he got out of that hellhole while he still had a chance.

MR. WALLERSTEIN, for his part, is not complaining. Once you throw in the intangibles of having a J.D., he says, he is one of law schools’ satisfied customers. “It’s a prestige thing,” he says. “I’m an attorney. All of my friends see me as a person they look up to. They understand I’m in a lot of debt, but I’ve done something they feel they could never do and the respect and admiration is important.”

Who doesn't respect somebody who can't hold a job and refuses to pay their bills?  He's a regular American hero.

Unless, somehow, the debt just goes away. Another of Mr. Wallerstein’s techniques for remaining cool in a serious financial pickle: believe that the pickle might somehow disappear. “Bank bailouts, company bailouts — I don’t know, we’re the generation of bailouts,” he says in a hallway during a break from his Peak Discovery job. “And like, this debt of mine is just sort of, it’s a little illusory. I feel like at some point, I’ll negotiate it away, or they won’t collect it.”

"A little illusory"?  Oh fuck you.  If you value your degree so much, then what exactly is the basis for thinking you shouldn't have to pay for it?


He gives a slight shrug and a smile as he heads back to work. “It could be worse,” he says. “It’s not like they can put me jail.”

If, only.

Real Football - The Persnickety Project's 2011 NFL Mock Draft - Version 1.0

Just look at this man's face.
This is serious business.

Back when we were in law school one of our favorite things while sitting in class was to do mock drafts.  We'd get together with our buddy Andrew and do version after version.  We wouldn't pay a seconds worth of attention to what the professor was saying.  We can't help but look at that as time well spent, particularly as we look at the ruins of our law career.  Anyway!

Now that we're a highly unprofessional blogger, we figured it was time to bring our back and forth with our newest contributing writer to our adoring fans. Without further ado, the Persnickety Project presents:

The Persnickety Project's 2011 NFL Mock Draft - Version 1.0

At this early junction, we fully expect the specific players to change but the road map should remain viable.

1. Carolina Panthers, 2-14

Team Needs:  WR, DE, DT, CB, OLB, G, C, All new players

Da'Quan Bowers, DE, Clemson, 6'4", 280 lbs

Carolina fans now understand what the Jets went through in 1996 when Peyton Manning decided to return to Tennessee for his senior season rather than join Bill Parcells in New York, a move that changed the fortunes of two franchises.  Keyshawn was a good pro but he wasn't Peyton.  To have a potential franchise QB and possible savior decide to stay in school is bad enough, but here the talent drop is big.  Sure, Bowers is a great player, and the best pass rusher in the draft, and he might very well be a pro-bowler but nothing he can do will come to close to the hope associated with what Luck could have been.  Still, Carolina needs to revamp its D and the versatile Bowers is a good start.  Can play end or tackle, 4-3 or 3-4 and he gets into the backfield and after the quarterback.  Could provide some of the play making lost when Peppers departed for Chicago.  Fairley, Quinn and Green are also possibilities.

2. Denver Broncos, 4-12

Team Needs:  LB, DT, OLB, The resurrection of John Elway

Patrick Peterson, CB, LSU, 6'1", 211 lbs

It's hard to pass up Fairly who plays one of the more "premium positions" at defensive tackle but with the Broncos currently playing a 3-4, Fairley's not an ideal fit. If the new coach they bring in switches to a 4-3, Fairley becomes the pick.  However, we're constrained to what's going right know so we see them grabbing the best CB prospect and potential heir apparent to Champ Bailey (and a potential devastating tandem with Champ if he is resigned).  Peterson has the size, speed and return skills to contribute immediately in multiple areas.  His downside is relatively low as well; if the concerns about his top-end speed are realized, he can seamlessly move to become a top-end safety.

3.  Buffalo Bills, 4-12

Team Needs: QB, OT, DE, OLB, SS, Hope

Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn, 6'4", 299 lbs

The emergence of Ryan Fitzpatrick as a serviceable NFL quarterback gives the Bills the luxury to not reach for a QB at this stage and take the top DT in the draft.  Fairley, a part-time player last season who shot up draft boards during Auburn's magical run, gives Buffalo the penetrating inside stud they need to get into the backfield and disrupt. Dominated good o lines in the SEC and provides versatility to fit into the Bills multiple 4-3/3-4 front.

4. Cincinnati Bengals, 4-12

Team Needs:  QB, RB, DE, T, S, MLB, New ownership
Robert Quinn, DE/OLB, North Carolina, 6'4", 254 lbs

The  Bengals are delusional. After yet another disappointing season, they're bring back Marvin Lewis (to save money, no doubt) and will likely do the same with inconsistent Carson Palmer (are we all ready to admit he hasn't been the same since Kimo Von Oelhoffen destroyed his knee?).  Those moves likely take them out of the running for a 1st round quarterback, and a chance at remaking their identity as a perpetually disappointing franchise.  Still, reinforcements are needed on defense and Quinn, who sat out the entire season due to NCAA violations, is a solid pass rushing prospect who should, at the very least, contribute immediately as a situational pass-rushed the Bengals need.  The NCAA issues notwithstanding, Quinn is considered a high-character player and exceptionally hard-worker (he worked his way back from a brain tumor his senior year in high school) and has all the tools to become a dominant end.

5. Arizona Cardinals 5-11

Team Needs: QB, CB, OLB, T, G, A ruffie to forget the Derek Anderson era

Prince Amukamara, CB, Nebraska, 6', 203 lbs

The Cardinals need help at QB but seem more likely to go the veteran route since they inhabit an eminently winnable division and we assume Wisenhunt likes his job and wouldn't want to wait on a rookie's development (Matt Hasselbeck?).  They have needs all over the offensive line and all over the defense and got a little unlucky with a that none of the Top 4 defenders fell.  They'd pounce on any of the top linemen but in this scenario they still get an excellent cover corner with superior technical acumen, size and ball skills.  The gab between Prince and Peterson could shrink weekly as the draft approaches.

6. Cleveland Browns, 5-11

Team Needs:  WR, T, LB, DE, Something else to do for people who live in Cleveland


A.J. Green, WR, Georgia, 6'4", 208 lbs

This is the biggest no brainer in the history of earth. No team is in more need of a top WR than the Browns and Green, a big, fast and productive player, is far and away the premier prospect as his position.  He could form a potent tandem with Colt McCoy for years to come and finally give the Dogpound something to bark about.  We absolutely love Green's potential as a big time NFL playmaking WR along the lines of Roddy White and Reggie Wayne.

7.  San Fransisco 49ers, 6-10

Team Needs: QB, WR, QB, DT, QB, LB, QB, CB, QB, Winners

Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas, 6'7", 238 lbs

Inconsistent QB play cost Mike Singletary his job, new coach Jim Harbaugh will look to remedy that from the start. If he can't get Luck, his college QB to change his mind enter the draft and pledge to only play for San Fran, then Mallett is a nice consultation prize. He's tall (6'7) with an absurdly great arm that will mix well with the deep threats currently on the roster in Vernon Davis and Michael Crabtree.  Needs to work on his touch and footwork to take the next step. Gets the nod over Blaine Gabbert since teams will fall in love with his arm strength.

8. Tennessee Titans, 6-10

Team Needs: QB, G, LB, CB, An owner who doesn't throw his coach under the bus and then pretend he didn't

Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri, 6'5", 240 lbs

After the announcement this week that the Titans would move on without Vince Young , the #1 need for the franchise (if not necessarily the current team) is to find a quarterback to build around.  Gabbert, a considered a top 5-type talent and in some eyes the best QB in the draft, could become the new face of a franchise undergoing some serious changes.  Though unknown to the general public, he has the prototypical size and accuracy to succeed as a top-shelf passer.  Could be a more mobile version of Kerry Collins in terms of his ability to get the ball in the hands of his playmakers, Kenny Britt and Chris Johnson.  We might prefer Cam Newton but we doubt the Titans choose to entrust their franchise to a running quarterback with character questions so soon after the VY-error.

9. Dallas Cowboys, 6-10

Team Needs: T, G, DE, S, CB, To go away

Marcell Dareus DE/DT Alabama, 6'2", 303 lbs

After a supremely disappointing season that saw Wade Phillips canned, the Cowboys find themselves picking in the Top 10 instead of vying for a chance to play the Super Bowl at home.  With a bunch of important players entering free agency or facing release, their D has a lot of holes, several of which could be filled by the versatile, freak Dareus.  Dareus, who entered the public consciousness with a rambling defensive touchdown in the Crimson Tide's BCS Title victory over Texas last season, can play any position on the defensive line and will offer new coach Jason Garrett great flexibility during his transition.  Could be a real difference maker as a pass-rusher in any scheme.  Dallas would like to draft an offensive lineman but none represents the right value at this pick. 

10. Washington Redskins, 6-10

Team Needs: QB, RB, WR, T, G, DE, DT, CB, LB, A Haynesworth/McNabb cleansing

Jake Locker QB, Washington, 6'2", 230 lbs

Despite the deep well of needs present on the Redskins roster, we're guessing that Shanahan, who loves his quarterbacks and once traded up to grab Jay Cutler, will fall in love with one and grab him here.  Of all the guys available at this point, Locker seems like the most likely object of Mike's affection.  Shanahan loves mobile quarterbacks who demonstrate toughness and leadership and Locker fits the bill.  He's got all the physical tools arm strength, speed, leadership that Shanahan will be blinded by visions of the quarterback who won him two titles - John Elway.  Obviously he's not going to be that good but, given the time to develop, he could become a more mobile and less dickish version of Jay Cutler. Shanahan is a guy who can develop passers (remember Jake Plummer?).

11. Houston Texans, 6-10

Team Needs: DT, CB, S, to get back to 8-8

Von Miller, OLB, Texas A&M, 6'3", 240 lbs

Despite an explosive offense, the Texans managed to miss the playoffs yet again, as they have in every year of their existence largely because they couldn't stop anyone.  Enter deposed Cowboy headman, Wade Phillips.  Phillips is known to run a 3-4 front so a major change in philosophy may be in order.  If so, a premier pass-rushing linebacker is mandatory and Miller fits the bill.  He's a pass-rushing phenom who racked up 21.5 TFL and 17 sacks in the Big 12.  A potential linebacking corps of Cushing, Ryans, Mario Williams and Miller could rival the Steelers as the league's premier foursome.  Even without a change to the 3-4, Miller shows enough coverage potential to play in the 4-3.

12.  Minnesotta Vikings, 6-10

Team Needs: QB, S, DE, DT, OLB, To finally move on

Cam Newton QB, Auburn, 6'5", 248 lbs

Despite an awful season, the Vikes are stocked with talent everywhere except the QB position and have been since Favre announced his last comeback.  The team could bring in a veteran to try to help them contend this year but we still think Newton is the way to go here.  Beyond his ridiculous college production, there are two reasons why Newton goes this high despite a lack of pro-style offense experience, potential character issues and sketchy accuracy - Michael Vick and Tim Tebow.  We see Newton as a bit of a cross between those two, with a blend of size, speed, passing ability, play making and on-field leadership, that doesn't come around very often.  If he can develop a passing presence to match his running ability (see 2010 Vick) he'll be an absolutely HUGE star with the upside of a guy who revolutionizes the quarterback position in the NFL.  At worst, he's Vince Young, which isn't terrible.  If we had our choice, he'd go even higher.  Not everyone agrees so look for Cam's to be the most volatile stock in this year's draft - he could go #1 or fall out of the first round.

13. Detroit Lions, 6-10

Team Needs: T, G, LB, SS, DE, CB, A shoulder that allows Stafford to get the ball to Megatron

Adrian Clayborn, DE, Iowa, 6'3", 285 lbs

With good size and a great motor, Clayborn is the type of power, penetrating, no quit end that could provide the perfect compliment to budding superstar Ndamukong Suh by feasting on team's inability to double team him.  Has the experience to step in immediately and help improve a defense that continues to struggle and prevent the lions from contending in the NFC North. Detroit gets excellent value here after an only average year from Clayborn.  CB is a position of great need so they could reach for one here.

14. St. Louis Rams, 7-9

Team Needs: WR, CB, OLB, DT, DE, S, G, To keep doing what they're doing

Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State, 6'1", 207 lbs

The Rams are a team on the rise.  In only one season, Bradford established himself as a franchise caliber signal caller and could get the dynamic receiver he needs to take his game to another level. Blackmon exploded on the scene as a red-shirt sophomore with 111 catches, 1782 yards and 20 touchdowns, including 5 for 157 and 2 TDs against Prince Amukamara and Nebraska's tough defense and possesses the size-speed combo NFL teams covet.  Looked absolutely unstoppable in every game we saw.  Gets a slight edge over Julio Jones in our minds. 

15. Miami Dolphins, 7-9

Team Needs:  QB, RB, G, C, An offense

Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama, 5'10". 215 lbs

Ideally Miami would trade up for a QB or down for an interior offensive lineman but if they stay at 15, a replacement for the likely departing two-headed disappointment of Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams to rebuild the running game could be in order.  After winning the Heisman as a sophomore, Ingram had a down year but remains a first round talent capable of being a feature back with a nice combo of size and speed.  Not physically imposing with combine numbers that will blow anyone away but he's an instinctive and effective runner, adept at setting up his blocks and consistently getting all the yards available - more Emmit Smith and Adrian Peterson. 

16. Jacksonville Jaguars, 8-8

Team Needs: DE, LB, S, A move to Los Angeles

Ryan Kerrigan, DE, Purdue, 6'4" 259 lbs

Doesn't it seem like the Jags have been searching for a pass-rushing defensive end forever? Well, they kinda have been, drafting pairs of defensive ends in both the 2008 and 2010, bringing in Aaron Kampman this off season yet still being unable to find a guy who could into the opposing team's backfield more than 5 times last season.  We see them going to the well yet again with Kerrigan a good all-around end and relentless pass-rusher who racked up 13 sacks and 18 tackles for loss as a senior Boilermaker. Other possibilities include OLB Ayers, DE Heyward or CB Jenkins.

17. New England Patriots (from Raiders), 14-2

Team Needs:  WR, T, OLB, A right to the face

Cameron Heyward, DL, Ohio State, 6'5", 278 lbs

Belichick could go a few ways here, but in the end we think he'll replace the man he traded to get this pick. The offense has been great the last few seasons and, oddly for a team coached by a defensive guru, it's the defense that needs work.  Despite a sub-par senior season, Heyward, the son of Tecmo Super Bowl legend Ironhead, is a fearsome talent who Genius Bill can move all around his schemes like he did Richard Seymour.  A versatile talent equally adept at stopping the run as rushing the passer.  A fit for any front.

18. San Diego Chargers, 9-7

Team Needs: DT, WR, DE, T, MLB, Less arrogant general manager

Stephen Paea, DT, Oregon State, 6'1" 304 lbs

San Diego is another team with greater talent then its record suggests and are without any absolutely glaring needs so they can look for the best available player.  They've yet to replace it's once great nose tackle, Jamal Williams, so Paea represents a perfect blend of need and value. Paea grew up in Tonga and carries a warrior reputation as a tireless worker and exceptionally strong run stopper. Lacks ideal height for the 3-4 nose but is stout enough against the run to be a good fit regardless.  An absolute beast.

19. New York Giants, 10-6

Team Needs: OLB, T, RB, A mandatory team seminar on discipline and avoiding mistakes

Akeem Ayers, LB, UCLA, 6'3", 249 lbs

They can't draft a do-over for a highly disappointing season so the G-men finally get the athletic OLB they've craved for years.  While he's still raw, the upside on Ayers is high.  He's got great size and speed, is a fluid athlete, excels as a pass-rusher and is capable in coverage.  Could develop into the all-around playmaker the Giants sorely need to solidify a talented, but inconsistent, defense.

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 10-6

Team Needs:  G, DE, OLB, S, More of the creamsicle uniforms

Nate Solder, T, Colorado, 6'8", 300 lbs

The Bucs don't necessarily need a tackle but at this point Solder is too good to pass up.  A former TE, he possess good size and exceptional athleticism for the tackle position with the speed, agility which teams covet at the LT position.  With the Bucs developing Josh Freeman as their franchise QB, they can never have enough talented blockers opening holes and protecting his back.  The order of tackle prospects is still in flux so look for the order to shuffle in coming weeks.

21. Kansas City Chiefs, 10-6

Team Needs: T, CB, WR, DT, LB, SS, A head coach who doesn't look like an offseason meth dealer

Gabe Carimi, OT, Wisconsin, 6'6", 318 lbs

Carimi is the big, tough and nasty mauler the team can plug in across from Brendan Albert to solidify the right side of their line and allow them to continue to be a power running team that relies on the spectacular Jamaal Charles even without Charlie Weiss' creative schemes.  Carimi played LT at Wisconsin but his size and run blocking ability make him a perfect fit for the right side in the pros.

22. Indianapolis Colts, 10-6

Team Needs: T, G, DT, SS, OLB, To wake Jim Caldwell from his slumber

Anthony Costanzo, OT, Boston College, 6'7", 295 lbsThe foundation of the NFL's most consistent team started to show cracks this season after both injuries and the line's inability to keep the great Peyton Manning comfortable in the pocket, neutered their once-explosive offense.  Even without the injures to his playmakers, Peyton still got hit this year a lot more than he's used to and the Colts need to go to the well one more time to try to solidify the edges of their line.  Costanzo, a four year starter at BC, possess the height and long arms that are vital to success as an NFL tackle. Needs to get stronger but has the intelligence and tenacity to succeed and earn #18's trust as a rookie.




23. Philadelphia Eagles, 10-6

Team Needs:  CB, G, C, T, OLB, Integrity

Mike Pouncey, G/C, Florida 6'5", 309 lbs

The Eagles trend of investing early picks along their lines continues with the other Pouncy brother. Their offensive line was decimated by injuries this season so adding a versatile interior lineman who can play either guard spot or center would be welcome news to Mike Vick's sore everything.  Pouncy is strong, nasty and athletic enough to get down field and out in front of the Eagles playmakers. Experienced in working in a shotgun heavy, multiple look offense from his time at Florida.  A pro-bowl caliber performance of his brother as a Steeler rookie doesn't hurt either.

24. New Orleans Saints, 11-5



Team Needs: RB, DE, DT, OLB, SS, To avoid the short fall back to suckiness

Corey Liuget, DT, Illinois, 6'3", 300 lbs

After winning the Super Bowl in 2009 on the strength of a opportunistic, turnover creating defense, the Saints came back to earth a little bit on that side of the ball this season. After being exposed even further in a wildcard loss to Seattle, New Orleans has to address that side of the ball. Luiget, a rising junior, is the type of stout, run-stuffing DT that could make a huge difference in many areas, like a Marshawn Lynch run for example. In a division with Matt Ryan and Josh Freeman, the Saints are going to have to get some stops if they're going to return to the ranks of championship contenders.


25. Seattle Seahawks, 7-9



Team Needs: QB, T, G, C, DE, DT, SS, CB, Competition Dude!!

Derek Sherrod, OT, Miss St, 6'5", 303 lbs


Even after drafting Russell Okung last season, the Seahawks still lack depth and competence along their offensive line. By this point in any draft thee truly elite tackles are long gone but Sherrod has the athleticism to develop and could be a legitimate starter in his first season if he shows adeptness at learning the Colts' scheme and earning #18's trust. Needs to get stronger and meaner and work on pass blocking to realize his potential but could provide the Seahawks with some help protecting and developing Clipboard Jesus Charlie Whitehurst.


26. Green Bay Packers, 10-6

Team Needs:  RB, OLB, DE, G, CB, Crackers

Justin Houston, OLB/DE, Georgia, 6'3", 254 lbs

The Pack could go for a running back here but their need for another pass rusher to help Clay Matthews and free Charles Woodson from such heavy blitzing duties makes Houston the pick here.  Houston, only a junior, had an exceptional season racking up double-digit sacks in the always-tough SEC and his stick has increased steadily all year.  Experienced running the 3-4 during his time at Georgia and with the 3-4 becoming the defense in the NFL he could find himself gone before #25.   

27. Chicago Bears, 11-5

Team Needs: T, WR, G, C, OLB, DT, Some semblance of a running game

Tyron Smith, T, USC, 6'5", 291 lbs

The Bears allowed 55 sacks this past year and either need to find a way to give Cutler more time or find a more capable back-up.  Between Martz' system and the emergence of Johnny Knox, Chicago is positioned to have an proficient passing offense in '11 if they can keep Cutler upright.  Smith is the type of elite athlete that a team like the Bears would be smart to pounce on and try to develop.  Only a junior, he needs to get stronger to be dominant but the tools are there.  Experienced protecting Matt Barkley in a pass-heavy, pro scheme at USC.  Could be the real tackle riser in this draft.

28. New York Jets, 11-5

Team Needs:  G, DE, DT, OLB, WR, To shut the fuck up, seriously, please stop talking

Julio Jones, WR, Alabama, 6'4", 211 lbs

While J-E-T-S have significant needs in the pass-rushing department and depth along the defensive line, none of the guys left at this point present a great value (3-4 defensive linemen aren't 1st round playmaker types) so they'll give in to their love of stars and pick up a potential big-time WR in Julio Jones. Jones, a former top overall recruit at his position and a guy who could just as easily find himself in the Top 15 come draft day, has great size, deceptively good speed (he's a long strider) and projects similarly to one of the guys he could end up replacing, Braylon Edwards, including the dropsies.  With both Edwards and Holmes becoming free agents in the offseason, Jones gives the Jets flexibility in their offseason plans as well as a guy who could grow with the Sanchize. 

29. Baltimore Ravens, 12-4

Team Needs: WR, CB, S, T, OLB, C, A chill pill

Stefen Wisniewski, C, Penn State, 6'3", 293 lbs

With incumbent center Matt Birk a free agent, the Ravens continue to rebuild their aging offensive line with this Penn State product with an NFL pedigree (nephew of Steve Wisniewski). Wisnewski is smart and quick and while he needs to get a little stronger, he's the type of kid who can step in and take charge of an offensive line and help a young quarterback like Flacco continue his development. 

30.  Pittsburgh Steelers, 12-4

Team Needs: T, DE, CB, G, A less rapey QB

Cameron Jordan, DE, Cal, 6'4", 280 lbs

Tackle is a position of great need for the Steelers but they make their bones on defense and replacing the aging duo of Aaron Smith and Brett Keisel will take precedence in the first round.  Jordan projects highly but falls because he's not the pass-rusher that many teams covet.   Pittsburgh is the beneficiary of that slip grabbing a powerful 3-4 end that can both occupy blockers and make plays when called upon.

31. Atlanta Falcons, 13-3

Team Needs: T, DE, G, OLB, People to care enough to come up with something snarky to say

Kyle Rudolph, TE, Notre Dame, 6'5", 253 lbs

With the greatest tight end of all time Tony Gonzalez beginning to slow down, the well-stocked Falcons jump at the opportunity to snag a big-time TE prospect who falls due to a nagging hamstring injury that held his production down.  Randolph is big and extremely athletic, an excellent blocker and possesses great hands.  If he can run well at the combine his stock should rise.

32. New England Patriots, 14-2

Team Needs:  WR, T, OLB, A left n the face

Jeremy Beal, OLB, Oklahoma, 6'3", 263 lbs

The Pats continue to address their team "deficiencies" on defense, this time adding a pass-rusher to the fold.  Beal is exactly the type of outside linebacker Belichick looks for to run his 3-4 front.  He's got great size for the position, possesses excellent awareness, and truly top-end speed and is known for being a hard-worker with attention to detail.  Sounds like the profile of a Patriot.  Could potentially fit as a 4-3 end when New England gets creative.  We'll admit there's absolutely no chance we're going to be able to predict what the Pats will do but we couldn't leave it blank.

Stupid Commenter Beatdown? - Canabalizing The Project

As you might remember, a few weeks back we did a post on the weird Geico commercial where the lady apparently thinks she had sex with a gecko.  For some reason, it's become the most popular thing we've ever done earning an absurd 269 hits.  Apparently writing about vaguely current things that nobody else cares about is the way to go!! In addition to all those hits, we've experienced another rarity around these parts - comments.  One we're pretty sure is fake and another that we really can't figure out.

First one from our friend "Anomymous"

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting this because everytime I see that commercial it freaks me out! The media has long begun to show explicit commercials making morals and values non-significant but this has gone a too far. Making humans to reptile/animal relationships acceptable is weird and creepy. Let's just keep that for the Jerry Springer show.

Good old Joe Anonymous - he visits us from time to time leaving clever comments to make us laugh.  We're pretty sure he gets it.  Jon, we're not so sure. 

Jon said...
Holy shit, you guys are sucking too hard on the O2 bottle. Put your moralizing, Sarah Palin knee jerk reactionism on the shelf and enjoy the silly inuendo.

What the hell are we to make of this?  We're not at all familiar with sucking on oxygen bottles, though we suppose it could get you high.  Maybe we'll take a hit from granny next time she busts her ass and ends up in the hospital.  If this dude is for real, either he's a gigantic idiot or our satirical writing is waaaaay better then we thought it was.  Surely it's the former. 

What do you think?  Real or fake?  Either way we appreciate the comments. 

To our loyal readers:  Have you seen something dumb or ridiculous that deserves to be skewered in a persnickety way?  Have a topic or question you want answered by The Project?  Want to contribute, even? 
Email us at thepersnicketyproject@gmail.com. 
Can't wait to hear from you.

Real Basketball - Carmelo Drama

After about 4 months of on and off, protracted negotiations, it seems that a deal that lands Carmelo Anthony with the New Jersey Nets may finally be on the horizon.  (Even with all the overdone drama this thing is still "Mad Men" to LeBron's "Grey's Anatomy"-like decision.)

The proposed deal would be a three teamer in which the Nets would acquire Anthony and Chauncey Billups from Denver as well as Rip Hamilton from Detroit while sending out 3/4 of their roster.  In exchange for their star, the Nuggets would rid themselves of Billups' contract and get two future first-round picks along with #3 pick in last year's draft, PF Derrick Favors, PG Devin Harris, Anthony Morrow (so much for our idea that the Nets play "Three-Morrow, Three-Morrow" as sung by Little Orphan Annie every time he hits from deep) as well as Quinton Ross, Ben Uzoh and Stephen Graham, a.k.a salary cap fodder.  For their troubles, the Pistons would also shed Hamilton's contract while picking up the incomparable Johan Petro and the expiring contract (and corpse) of Troy Murphy.  After being reported to be "on the ten yard line" the deal is now being held up by the Nuggets greedy insistence that they also be able to dump Al Harrington and his contract they everyone knew was a bad idea the minute they signed it (four years and $28 million, signed this off season) in any deal. 

It may fall apart or it may not but, with Melo on the move somewhere at some point, we might as well get out in front of the thing and start dealing with it.  Anytime a player of this caliber - a 26 year old forward with the 4th highest scoring average among active players - is traded is comes down to two things: (1) Carmelo; and (2) everybody else.

Carmelo

How you feel about the deal basically comes down to how you feel about Carmelo Anthony.  Are you blinded by the scoring numbers, the two seasons over 28 ppg and the average of over 20 in every year of his pro career, and think that he could be the franchise savior?  Or do you see him as a truly special scorer - perhaps the best in the game today - but recognize the holes in his game and understand that he's not yet a guy who can win you a title?

If you're in the former group - GO CRAZY!!  Melo is coming to save your dreadful team, just like Amare is doing across the river.   Buy the jersey and enjoy the ride, just don't go taking off from work for the championship parade yet.

As you might have surmised from the very slanted way in which we posed the question, we're in the latter category and we hope to whatever people hope to that the franchise understands what its getting.  Carmelo is a great player with one exceptional skill - he can score on anyone at anytime in any situation.  A guy like that is incredibly useful to have on your team; he's no savior but he could be a very nice first step.   

Throughout the history of basketball, at every level from pick-up to pros, the the guys who can score have gotten the accolades and attention.  Putting the ball in the basket is cool.  Even the most uninformed person watching a gem for 2 minutes will pick out those guys.  Nobody gives a shit about the guy who sets screens or plays help defense or crashes the boards.  They're not the stars. The guys putting up points are the stars.  In the NBA (even in this enlightened age of statistical analysis) points get paid.
But not all scorers are created equal.  There are two categories: (1) Scorers; (2) Ballers, each with a completely different way to get their points and a impact their team. 

We've all played with Scorers and they're easy to spot.  They're the guys on the wing that miss your brilliant cut across the lane because they're too busy pounding the ball or making 47 jab steps to set up their move.  It's not their fault necessarily, despite the air of confidence, deep down these guys are insecure.  They need the cheers that come with getting buckets.  So they adopt the role, carry the mantra of the Scorer and become single minded in their pursuits and can't be bothered with much else, conserving their energy on defense.  They're "ballstoppers" if you're being nice, "black holes" if you're not.  The thing about scorers is if they're really good at what they do (like Melo or Iverson or 'Nique) they can carry a team for awhile.  They'll win lots of regular season games, author a bunch of Sportscenter highlights, make the playoffs, and if surrounded by right talent (read: guys willing to sublimate their egos and do ALL of the dirty work) maybe get you a chance to be stomped by the Lakers in the finals.  They need volume to be effective.  You run plays for them and they get their points.  You don't they struggle.  While they make their shots, the was they do it, inefficiently and with the ball all the time, they take everyone else out of the game and that doesn't work against the really good teams.

"Ballers" are a whole different animal.  They don't necessarily stand out quite as much on your first glance, but true fans know who they are and why they're so good.  They're the guys who hit you on that cut for a layup but on the next play get a return pass from you and knock down a jumper, later maybe they get an easy bucket in transition or on a put back or off a back door cut.  Sure they have the ball a ton but its because they're just better than everyone else and they keep their teammates involved and engaged.  They grab a hand full of boards and assists, spend some of their precious energy dealing with the other teams best guy in crunch time, and when you look at the score sheet you see that not only did their team win but they lead everyone in points without you really even noticing.  These guys (Duncan, Bird, Jordan (after he got "it"), LeBron, Wade, Kobe (at times) understand that to win big, basketball has to be a team game that involves everyone.  At their best they can dominate without the ball and are confident enough in their station to let other guys shine.  They're efficient and they make their teammates better.  They are the true superstars, few and far between.

Right now, Melo is a Scorer and an inefficient one at that.  He dominates the ball, averages more shots per minute than anybody and shoots a below average percentage.  While some of that can be attributed to the burden of carrying a team on a nightly-basis, that really only reinforces our point.  The holes in his game are obvious.  Sure he rebounds well for his position (8.3 this year) and could play the 4 in a small-ball line-up, but he's not a gifted or particularly willing passer or defender.  If the Nets (or any other team that acquires him) expects to build a team that features him AND contends for championships, they're going to be disappointed.  You can win with him as your best player (without a really strong 1A who has complimentary skills like Dwight Howard or a healthy Yao Ming) but you're not going to win big.  The annals of the NBA are littered with teams lead by high scoring guys who, to the amazement of so many, couldn't get over the hump.  

The organization needs to understand that, once Carmelo signs the 3 year, $65m extension (he's going to be overpaid) that needs to be the first of many big steps.  The Nets will be better with Melo but if they think he's going to be their LeBron and make up for whiffing on the 2010 class or something they're delusional.  The Russian needs to be committed to spending and finding creative ways (in Billy King we trust?) to get the right pieces around him.  Maybe Lopez (who's regressed this year) becomes the inside compliment that Melo needs to be more efficient but this can't be their only big move.  They need to find a way to get another player as good or better than Melo to be a true contender and two guys who were great 5 years ago ain't going to cut it.  Without more thoughtful and purposeful moves the best they'll do is getting bounced by the Heat in the second round every year.  So some maybe that will be fun to watch.  For us, we think watching a giants Russian billionaire raise the Larry O'Brien trophy with Jay-Z while a bewildered David Stern wonders what went wrong is fun.  

One final note, it's always possible that Melo could use his move to Jersey as an opportunity to reinvent his career and become a more well-rounded player, kinda like Amare has done in NYC to a degree, but if he's really forcing a move from Denver because he wants to be paid and play in NYC to make his wife happy, we're not feeling too good about those possibilities.

Everybody Else

While Melo is the key to the future trajectory of the franchise, it's the other guys who will determine how it works in the short term.  Apparently, he insisted that, as a condition of signing the extension that the Nets smartly required be part of any deal, the Nets needed to acquire additional players that would be worthy to play of being on the same court with him.  Those guys?   Former Detroit Piston teammates Chauncey Billups (Anthony's teammate in Denver) and Rip Hamilton.  While neither is the player they once were (with Rip having an especially down year) they are smart veterans who play efficiently and know how to win and should be able to mold their games around Melo to get the most of their collective talent (if, or course, Chauncey backs off his statement of wanting a buy-out if he ends up in Newark).  A starting 5 of Billups, Hamilton, Anthony, Lopez and Rebounding Machine Kris Humphries should be good enough to challenge for a spot at the bottom of the playoffs this season if they get anything from their bench.  Considering the sheer number of players the Nets would lose in the proposed trade - leaving them with Travis Outlaw, Jordan Farmar and Susha Vujacic as back-ups - the bench piece is going to be an issue.  Not only are none of these guys particularly good but they'll be extremely lacking in size.  They'll need to scramble to find guys in the D-League or street free agents and hope they strike gold with one or two who can come in and give competent NBA minutes.

(Interestingly, while the team wouldn't be close to what the Celtics are defensively, they do have a similar offensive profile.  Billups could play the Rondo role as distributor role while Hamilton does his best Ray Allen impression working off the ball and running through screens, Melo would be the go-to guy and Lopez would hang out down low getting putbacks and hitting the occasional jumper.  Humpries just needs to work on his robotic post moves and constant scowl to be the next Kendrick Perkins.  It would be a JV version but it could work.  Just a thought.) 

So while the returns on the court might be encouraging, at 32 and 34, respectively, both Hamilton and Billups  they're on the downsides of their careers and are in the middle of hefty contracts.  So it's not a real sustainable model for sucess.  After this season, Hamilton has 2 years, $12.5 million and Billups has 1 year, $13 million so, unless the marquee free-agents of 2012 (Paul, Deron Williams, Dwight Howard) elect not to opt out, they won't be able to sign a guy of that ilk to compliment their new star anytime soon. Maybe they use one of their expiring contracts to take on another overpaid guy in a year but that's still a gamble.  Otherwise, albeit with a more talented core, they're back to rebuilding again in 2013.  But we guess that's just the going rate for a "superstar."
For Denver, they get to move on and free themselves of the Melo-drama and the luxury tax.  Favors has huge upside and could end up being a stronger version of Chris Bosh.  Morrow is a big-time shooter who doesn't do much else and Harris is a former All-Star who could be moved again for more assets to allow them to hand the team over to Ty Lawson.  The picks give them something they'll need as they rebuild - hope.

As for the Pistons, they save money.  That's it.  Isn't the NBA great?

The Verdict

As we were taught in law school, the answer to every question is it depends.  If the Nets think this is the only big move they have to make, then we're all going to be disappointed.  But, if they're taking these extraordinary steps - gutting the roster, taking on bad contracts - to secure an elite scorer as the first step in a series of moves to create a championship-level team, we're on board.  As with everything, we'll just have to wait and see.