Real Football - Quick Hit First Round Draft Grades

With a few exceptions, as we went through the picks we really like what the teams did. Now, it’s ridiculous to give out first round grades the day after, before any of these guys ever step on the field, but what else are we supposed to do, work?

NFL Draft Grades

1. Carolina Panthers - Cam Newton, QB

Totally expected.  Newton has boom or bust potential but as long as he lands somewhere in the middle he should be worth the pick. Not a safe choice by any means but a bold one and while we love him, he makes us incredibly nervous.  Word is they plan to start him from day one, should be an interesting ride.

Grade: B+

2. Denver Broncos - Von Miller, OLB

This is the first quasi-head scratcher of the night. Miller is going to be great. So what’s the problem? Well, his best fit would have been in a 3-4 defense and that’s not what Denver plays.  Even if they use him at DE on 3rd downs, anytime he's in coverage and not getting after the QB, it’s a waste.  Dareus would have been the better fit as a penetrating DT to build around.  Again, Miller will be tremendous (we have no doubt after watching him cry for 5 minutes after being picked that he’s going to be good) but they could have done just a tad better for them. A little wasted value.

Grade: B++

3. Buffalo Bills - Marcell Dareus, DT

If the Bills and Broncos had swapped picks it would be A++’s all around.  But as it stands, the Bills got the better value.  Dareus is fast, strong and versatile and should step in immediately at end and be disruptive from Day 1 for the Bills.

Grade: A+

4. Cincinnati Bengals - A.J. Green, WR

Another completely defensible, but at the same time uninspiring, pick. Green will be great but do the Bengals really think his presence alone is going to convince Palmer to come back? We think not.  However, if they snag Dalton or Mallet at the top of the second round it becomes an A+.

Grade: A

5. Arizona Cardinals - Patrick Peterson, CB

As we expected, the Cards passed on a QB and grabbed the best guy on many people’s boards. Peterson is going to be a playmaker wherever they put him on the field. Love this pick.

Grade: A+

6. Atlanta Falcons - Julio Jones, WR

It’s hard to crap on a team that goes up and gets a guy who is undoubtedly a stud but 5 (2 1’s, a 2 and 2 4’s) picks for Julio Jones? When you already have Roddy White? We’re not so sure about that. Maybe they think they’re going to be the next Colts and surely their offense will be scary (feel free to guess how to cover White, Jones and Gonzalez while stopping Michael Turner) but that’s a ton to give up.  Offense-based football teams don’t win a ton of Super Bowls and they had needs on defense that they’ll have to address in some other way.

Grade: B-

7. San Francisco 49ers - Aldon Smith, OLB/DE

The first of the reaches. Smith has a ton of upside as a pass-rusher but he’s raw, doesn’t really stop the run and Quinn, a less raw but equally intriguing guy, was sitting right there for the taking. He could be Osi or he could be Manny Lawson.  If we were the 49ers we would have preferred more of a sure thing here and this guy might not even see much of the field as a rookie. Dubious start of tenure for Harbaugh.

Grade: C

8. Tennessee Titans - Jake Locker, QB

Our first real stunner of the evening (the Falcons trade was surprising but Jones going 6 was expected), with Locker going not only 8th but also ahead of Gabbert. Locker is the type of player that displays such physical skill, poise and leadership that coaches fall in love ... and then get fired.  It’s not for lack of trying but at some point you have to produce. That’s not to say that Locker won't be a player but he's not close and you can't whiff in the Top 10.  Ideally you would have liked to see them trade back to get him but they probably didn’t think he’d get past Minnesota so they took their guy. We’ll give them the + for showing conviction.  We have a feeling Tennessee will be back here trying again next year. 

Grade: D+

9. Dallas Cowboys - Tyron Smith, OT

As much as we hate to say it, the Cowboys did well. They avoided the urge to get too cute and trade back or try to make a big splash. They just took the best available guy at a position of great need. Smith is an elite athletic prospect that needs polish but in tandem with Doug Free (which side each will play is TBD) they should be able to provide much better edge protection for Tony Romo.

Grade:  B+

10. Jacksonville Jaguars - Blaine Gabbert, QB

Well David, it was nice knowin you. The Jags not only picked your replacement but they traded up to do it. Gabbert has all the tools and, if properly developed, should add another dimension to the offense right about the time MJD hits the homestretch of his prime. If they can find additional help on defense, the Jags could be building a legit contender to the Colts divisional dominance.

Grade: A

11. Houston Texans - J.J. Watt, DE

The Texans needed to upgrade their defense and they succeeded in adding a starting front seven player. The question is, did they pick the right one? We had them taking Bowers and we still contend he’s going to be a stud but his knee concerns were obviously bigger than we thought.  Watt is totally solid and his bust potential is low but we would have gone with Cameron Jordan an equally solid but more explosive prospect.

Grade: B+

12. Minnesota Vikings - Christian Ponder, QB

So….Vikings fans. How’s it going? You guys feeling ok this morning. Remember those nightmares you were having about your team panicking and picking a quarterback because they felt they had to but Locker and Gabbert were both gone? Yeah, um, you weren’t dreaming. That really happened. There is absolutely nothing wrong with Christian Ponder as a player (He's accurate and should be a good west coast QB in the Hasselbeck mold), but as a value, he’s a disaster. They should have traded back or made a pick and tried to get back into the first or early second to get him. No excuse. Total panic move.

Grade: F

13. Detroit Lions - Nick Fairley, DT

Can you here the Eminem music now? Detroit is on the road to rebuilding and they’re fortunate enough to get a guy who two months ago was the #1 overall pick. People have questions about his size and motor but he seemed to play hard last year and size won’t be such an issue when he’s lined up next to Suh and impossible to double team. They had bigger needs on defense but getting an elite guy is hard to pass up.  The game is won in the trenches and Detroit will have an advantage in 95% of the games it plays. If they can find some secondary and offensive line help in the other rounds, a wild card challenge could be coming up shortly.

Grade: A+

14. St. Louis Rams - Robert Quinn, DE

Another team that fate shined upon. After getting Bradford at #1 last year and almost making the playoffs, St. Louis sees a Top 7 player fall all the way to 14. In fact, we have no doubt that if Quinn had played last year he would have gone Top 5. The Rams had bigger needs but Spags has had a ton of success rotating defensive lineman and could use Quinn much like he did with Justin Tuck. We love, love, love this pick.

Grade: A+

15. Miami Dolphins - Mike Pouncey, C/G

Interior lineman. Ho hum. You can’t win without them but you can’t get excited for them.  Miami was a bit in shambles on offense last season and adding protection can never hurt but a quarterback or Mark Ingram would have made things more intriguing. Pouncey is more of a guard than a center since he can’t seem to execute a shotgun snap which is rather important for the position but he'll be a starting player for as long as he's there.

Grade: B(oring)+

16. Washington Redskins - Ryan Kerrigan, DE

It’s puzzling why the Skins would trade out of the Top 10, pass on a quarterback and miss out on the elite 3-4 pass-rushing talent. A second round pick is valuable, we guess. Kerrigan is a solid player but he’ll be asked to line up at OLB in the 3-4 (his best position would have been 4-3 DE) which will highlight some of his athletic deficiencies. That said, the Skins will love that he’s the anti-Haynesworth an intense, hard-working and leader. They might have been better off taking a true 3-4 end like Jordan, Wilkerson or Clayborn.  Poor fit.

Grade: B

17. New England Patriots - Nate Solder, T

Well, what do you know, the Pats made a pick. We weren’t sold on Solder before the draft but now that he’s on the Pats we have no doubt he’s going to be, at the very least, a Pro Bowl alternate. The dude is huge and insanely athletic and the Pats will get the most of his immense potential. The only thing that keeps them from an A+ is their needs on defense that could have been addressed with guys like Bowers, Wilkerson or Jordan.

Grade: A

18. San Diego Chargers - Corey Liuget, DT

Liuget is known for his non-stop motor (2 Legit to Quit, perhaps?) and the Chargers apparently plan to put that motor at end in their 3-4 scheme. Makes sense to us. He should be able to provide some penetration and play-making from whatever spot he occupies and be a solid, if unspectacular, player.

Grade: B+

19. New York Giants - Prince Amukamara, CB

From what we’ve read the Giants had their hearts set on Solder but after the Pats snagged him a few picks earlier they had to audible. And to further the unnecessary metaphor, that audible was a home run. Sure they had bigger needs but Amukamara represented Top 10 value in this draft and a team can never have too many good corners. The Giants defensive backfield should be strength for the team and Prince’s size/speed combo should help him deal with the guys like Jackson, Maclin, Austin and Bryant 4 times a year and allow the team to ramp up their pass-rush even further. Game. Blouses.

Grade: A+

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Adrian Clayborn, DE

Clayborn is a big, powerful end who can get after the quarterback and should fit nicely in the Bucs Cover 2 scheme and give them some of the pass rush they lacked last year. Injury concerns pushed him down a bit but he’s a talent who plays hard all the time. Not much to say, just a very solid pick.

Grade: B+

21. Cleveland Browns - Phil Taylor, DT

Despite their need for Julio Jones, you can’t fault the Browns for taking the Falcon's “Godfather Offer” and moving back.  But spending some of that capital to move back up (from 27) for Taylor is questionable. He’s a huge nose tackle and guys like that who can still move are rare but he’s not like he’s the next Haloti Nata. He'll be solid, stuff the run, stack blockers, create a little bit of pressure and should help solidify the Browns line as they transition back to the 4-3.

Grade: B+

22. Indianapolis Colts - Anthony Castonzo, T

Another intersection of fit and need with Castonzo, a player ready to step in a play LT and solidify the protection of Peyton’s blind size. He’s experienced in pass protection in a pro-style offense from B.C. and, while he needs to get stronger, the athleticism (particularly in an offense that loves the stretch play) and footwork are ready to go.

Grade: A

23. Philadelphia Eagles - Danny Watkins, G

We love how the Eagles just antagonize their fans. With everyone clamoring for Bowers, they took the most opposite guy they could find. Instead of a young, elite talent to help an atrocious defense, they took a 27 year old second round guard. Fantastic. Thanks you Andy Reid. Watkins will be a good player but when you’re 6 years older than everyone else, it’s hard to get excited about things like maturity and strength. He could play some RT but his ideal spot is a guard.

Grade: C

24. New Orleans Saints - Cameron Jordan, DE

We got this one half right – the first name. Many people expected Jordan to be a draft day mover but most thought it would be the other way - up. For the Saints to get him at 24 is an absolute steal. He’s a strong end that can get after the quarterback while still stuffing the run. He should be a great piece to help rebuild the defense.

Grade: A+

25. Seattle Seahawks - James Carpenter, G/T

Who? Exactly. What Carpenter has going for him is that he started 2 years at LT for Alabama. What he has against him is the fact that those things don’t really matter and most felt he was best suited for guard. In fairness, we heard at least one scout say they thought he was the best tackle in the draft. So we’ll give the Hawks the benefit of the doubt to and try to see him as a versatile player who should help settle a shaky line. But with higher rated guys like Carimi and Sherrod at the same position and defenders like Wilkerson, Heyward and Bowers available we can’t give them anything more than a C.

Grade: C

26. Kansas City Chiefs - Jonathan Baldwin, WR

Ugh. The Chefs pass on all kinds of line talent that they really need to get a receiver to compliment Bowe. Hard to get excited about that. Yeah it was a need and sure Baldwin is a bit, physically imposing player but it just seems like the wrong move. For one, despite all his physical skills, Baldwin has had attitude problems, is really unpolished and seems more like a 2nd round guy. Additionally, they have needs at tackle, linebacker and along the d-line where better prospects were available. He’ll help the offense but they wasted a ton of value here.

Grade: D

27. Baltimore Ravens - Jimmy Smith, CB

Baltimore is another team that benefits greatly from the mistakes of the teams picking ahead of them. Despite a weird incident in which the Ravens thought they had a trade done, only to watch the clock run out on their pick and K.C. jump them in line, they still got the guy they were targeting. Smith is a supreme talent with character issues but if he’s going to be good his best chance is with guys like Ray Lewis giving him the stink eye when he steps out of line. He’ll be a great fit as a big, physical do-everything corner the Ravens sorely lack.

Grade: A

28. New Orleans Saints - Mark Ingram, RB

We’ve made no secret of the fact that we’re big fans of Ingram and Saints surrendering next year’s #1 pick to the Pats (who else?) seems like a fair price. And while you could argue that he’s not appreciably better than the other available running backs, that’s mostly because his instinctive style just isn’t flashy. Despite the big name, he might be underrated. He should be a perfect fit for the Saints offense and give them a featured back as they move on from Reggie and Pierre.

Grade: A

29. Chicago Bears - Gabe Carimi, T

We rarely like anything the Bears do, particularly in the draft. But Carimi might be the exception. While the Bears really needed a left tackle and Carimi, due to his lack of speed and agility, is probably best suited for the other side. Still, any help up front is welcome. Solid pick.

Grade: B

30. New York Jets - Muhammad Wilkerson, DE/DT

We’re huge fans of Wilkerson and, as we’ve said before, think he has a ton of upside. He’s an athletic, penetrating lineman who should fit right in as a 3-4 DE for an aggressive Jets defense and should be able to boost the pass-rush from the inside. Great value. Great pick.

Grade: A

31. Pittsburgh Steelers - Cameron Heyward, DE

Heyward is an imposing physical specimen but sometimes the production doesn’t match the package. Still, he’s strong and plays hard, values the Steelers place a premium on. They had bigger needs on the O-line and in the secondary but adding some youth to an aging defensive line is always a good idea. Hard to argue with the Steelers in the draft.

Grade: B+

32. Green Bay Packers - Derek Sherrod, T

The Pack could have grabbed another pass-rusher here but instead opted to solidify their offensive line for the next 8 years by adding a solid tackle to team up with Bryan Bulaga and keep their franchise, aka Aaron Rodgers, safe. Again, hard to argue with success.

Grade: B+

The Persnickety Project's 2011 NFL Mock Draft 3.0 - The Final Version

1. Carolina Panthers, 2-14


Team Needs: QB, WR, DE, DT, CB, OLB, G, C, All new players, Jerry Richardson to stop being such a douche

Cam Newton QB, Auburn, 6'5", 248 lbs

We've said from Day 1 that Newton would eventually find himself at the top of this draft due to his tremendous upside potential, start power, and the fact that the NFL is a quarterback league. Fortunately time has proven us right. Unfortunately, we didn't have the balls to step out and make him our #1 back in December. Either way, despite his sometimes clumsy handling of the draft process in which he appeared arrogant and unprepared at times, Newton looks like the odds-on favorite to become the face of a floundering Carolina franchise. Newton’s college production was unparalleled and his blend of size, speed, arm strength and play making ability is truly unique but he needs to improve in other areas like accuracy. He could be a huge bust or revolutionize the position. Our money is on somewhere in between and if that happens, Carolina will be happy it made this bold move.

Reminds Us Of: A faster Daunte Culpepper/Steve McNair

2. Denver Broncos, 4-12

Team Needs: LB, DT, OLB, The resurrection of John Elway, For their best defensive player to not be a 32-year old cornerback

Marcell Dareus DE/DT Alabama, 6'2", 319 lbs

New coach John Fox goes from Carolina to Denver and finds a team with lots of the same problems, a worse draft pick and a president who sits down the hall in an office bigger than his. Fox may be the coach but the team is now, and again, Elway’s. With a former quarterback running the show you might expect the Broncos to go in that direction up this high but with the investment they’ve made in Tebow and the Orton safety net, they’ll focus on fixing the defense and Dareus, a tackle who moves like an end, is an excellent start. Despite less impressive stats, Dareus has eclipsed former projected top pick Nick Fairley on the basis of his remarkable physical gifts (few 320 lb men are as quick and explosive) and versatility (his ability to play all over the line will be an asset during the painful transition from the 3-4 to 4-4 front). With his scary combination of size and strength and ability to disrupt the pocket, he will be an absolute star if he learns to play hard consistently.

Reminds Us Of: Richard Seymour/Kevin Williams

3. Buffalo Bills, 4-12

Team Needs: QB, OT, DE, OLB, SS, Hope, Passports

Von Miller, OLB/DE, Texas A+M, 6'3", 246 lbs

The Bills are in a tough spot. They could certainly use a quarterback. But, with the relative emergence of Ryan Fitzpatrick and Chan Gailey not wanting to groom a guy like Gabbert for his successor, we see them focusing on another area that can lead to immediate, drastic improvement – the pass rush and, when it comes to rushing the passer, Miller is a savant. He tore up the Big 12 (21.5 TFL and 17 sacks). Tore up the Senior Bowl. And tore up the Combine. Now, with his stock cresting, he seems poised to go in the Top 3 and could reinvigorate the Buffalo defense with his speed, explosiveness and fluidity. While he played DE in college, most scouts think he possess the skills necessary to becomes a true, every down, playmaking linebacker. He’s not without risk, however, since it’s always a little dicey to pick a player this high and ask him to switch positions. Just ask Vernon Gholston.

Reminds Us Of: Clay Matthews/James Harrison

4. Cincinnati Bengals, 4-12

Team Needs: QB, RB, DE, T, S, MLB, New ownership, To love Carson Palmer and set him free

Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri, 6'5", 240 lbs

Don’t take this pick as evidence that we no longer think the Bengals are delusional. In fact, this pick is just further evidence of their organizational insanity. In any family run organization, loyalty has to be paramount and ultimately we think Mike Brown will see Palmer’s actions as a sign of disloyalty and cut ties, opening the door for Gabbert, who many believe is the best passer available, to join the a team that’s never been shy about drafting quarterbacks to start their rebuilding process (Klingler, Smith, Palmer). Gabbert has all the prototypical NFL quarterback skills - size, athleticism, arm strength, accuracy and leadership. But, as with many college quarterbacks, his ability to read complex defenses and direct a pro-style offense keeps him from being a no-brainer franchise signal caller. Still, he should develop into a solid-to-excellent quarterback.

Reminds Us Of: Matt Schaub

5. Arizona Cardinals 5-11

Team Needs: QB, CB, OLB, T, G, A ruffie to forget the Derek Anderson era, To send Kurt Warner a piece of toast with an image of some religious thing to convince him it's his divine providence to play one more season

Patrick Peterson, CB, LSU, 6'1", 219 lbs

With the top two quarterbacks gone (we’ve long contended is not the move for a coach on the hot seat anyway) and none of the offensive tackles representing Top 5 value, defense becomes the priority and the decision comes down to value (Peterson) and need (Quinn). For the smart teams, value usually wins out so we’ll give the Cards the (unearned?) benefit of the doubt. Getting Peterson, the top corner and perhaps the top player overall at 5, would be a coup. In the era of passing offenses, having a shut down corner in the mold of Revis or Asomugha is a valuable weapon and Peterson has that type of potential. He possesses a ridiculous blend of size and speed (220 lbs, 4.3 40) and profiles as a big corner in the Woodson (Charles or Rod) mold. Add in his elite return ability and comparatively low downside (if for some reason he didn’t work out at corner he could easily slide over and become a big-time safety) and he’s a lock to be a game-changer.

Reminds Us Of: Charles Woodson/Rod Woodson

6. Cleveland Browns, 5-11

Team Needs: WR, T, LB, DE, Something else for people of Cleveland to do, A chaperon for the new 15-year old coach

A.J. Green, WR, Georgia, 6'4", 211 lbs

This remains the biggest no brainer in the history of earth. No team is in more need of a top WR than the Browns and Green, a big, fast player with hands and route running skills to match is, despite the uninspiring Combine performance, the premier prospect as the position. He could form a potent tandem with the promising Colt McCoy as the Browns try desperately to move back to relevance. This pick could end up being reminiscent of the Vikes getting Adrian Peterson. If Green goes earlier, look for Julio Jones to jump up.

Reminds Us Of: Larry Fitzgerald

7. San Francisco 49ers, 6-10

Team Needs: QB, WR, QB, DT, QB, LB, QB, CB, QB, Winners, A glass of milk for Frank Gore and his broken hip

Robert Quinn, DE/OLB, North Carolina, 6'4", 265 lbs

QB play cost Mike Singletary his job and got Jim Harbaugh his, so the Niners would love for Gabbert or Newton to fall to them but, absent a surprise on that front, we’d expect them to go with the best defensive player available for their scheme. While Fairley is probably best player available, he’s such a poor fit for the 3-4 that Quinn, a hybrid OLB/DE who can play outside in the 3-4, is the pick. Despite missing his entire senior season due to NCAA infractions, Quinn is a physical freak and fearsome pass rusher with a combination of speed and size that should make him an instant impact player as a situational pass rusher for the anemic San Fran defense. Also, NCAA issues notwithstanding, Quinn is considered a high-character player and exceptionally hard-worker (he worked his way back from a brain tumor his senior year in high school) and has all the tools to be dominant. Locker is a possibility but we just don’t see him as the #7 pick.

Reminds Us Of: DeMarcus Ware

8. Tennessee Titans, 6-10

Team Needs: QB, G, LB, CB, An owner who doesn't throw his coach under the bus and then pretend he didn't, For their new coach to grow a mustache and beard so fans think Jeff Fisher never left

Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn, 6'4", 291 lbs

This is probably the best case scenario for the team trying to replace its long time coach and sometime quarterback. Due to concerns about his character and (lack of) weight, Fairely went from the odds-on #1 pick to a player trying to stay in the Top 10. But he can’t fall any further than this. We’ll go on record as saying the concerns about his weight being too low are completely overblown and while the character concerns shouldn’t be ignored, neither should a season that saw Fairely dominate from start to finish with 11 sacks, a Lombardi Award and a stellar performance in the National Championship Game (5 tackles 3 for a loss and a forced fumble). He can dominate with both power and quickness against either the pass or the run and, if he can put his maturity and work ethic issues behind him, we’ll look back at his fall much like we do with the great Warren Sapp.

Reminds Us Of: Darnell Dockett/Tommie Harris

9. Dallas Cowboys, 6-10

Team Needs: T, G, DE, S, CB, To go away, To not sell tickets for seats that don't exist

Tyron Smith, T, USC, 6'5", 307 lbs

After an wonderfully, awful season, Dallas finds itself picking in the Top 10 after watching NFC-rival Green Bay hoist the Lombardi Trophy in their own building. Boy, doesn't that suck. Tackle is a huge area of need and Smith, another guy we long expected to work his way up the draft board but lacked the fortitude to commit to, has solidified his value. While he’s a bit undersized at this point and played right tackle in college, Smith is an elite athlete playing tackle and has experience in USC’s pass-heavy, pro-style offense, so all the tools are there to develop into a true blindside protector. Dallas has the added luxury of allowing him to develop on the right side and keeping Doug Free at left tackle for the time being.  Look for Dallas to be aggressive in potentially moving this pick. 

Reminds Us Of: D’Brickashaw Ferguson

10. Washington Redskins, 6-10

Team Needs: QB, RB, WR, T, G, DE, DT, CB, LB, A Haynesworth/McNabb enema, Sunscreen for old Stroke Face

Julio Jones, WR, Alabama, 6'3", 220 lbs

This is the first big swing pick of the draft. The Skins roster is stocked with one thing – holes – and they could go so many different directions here. We’d long assumed that Shanahan would do what Shanahan does and develop a hard man-crush and snag a QB here. And we still wouldn’t be shocked to see Locker go to D.C. (either here or through a trade) but Jones, who also fills a big need, is just too exciting a prospect to pass up. Despite durability issues (though he didn’t miss many games, he was often banged up), Jones has his elite potential as a former top overall recruit at his position with great size, excellent timed speed (4.39 at the Combine, though he doesn’t play that fast) and good hands. While not quite on the level of Green in terms of pass-catching ability, Jones is more of a competitive blocker (a key to the Shanahan run game) and more physical player. If Jones is gone, look for Locker to come into play.

Reminds Us Of: Anquan Boldin in Brandon Marshall’s body

11. Houston Texans, 6-10

Team Needs: DT, CB, S, Another 8-8 season, Syringes, To hail from a city where people do more than go to the mall and/or work for oil companies,

Da'Quan Bowers, DE, Clemson, 6'4", 280 lbs

New defensive coordinator Wade Phillips needs to upgrade a defense that was absolutely awful last season and continues to waste excellent offensive production by Schaub, Johnson and Foster. They could go with a corner but we think Phillips, who tends to lean more on his front seven, will look for help up front first. Ideally they’d get a pass rusher but with the top edge guys - Miller and Quinn – gone they’ll have avoid reaching for Aldon Smith and look to the line. While Watt or Jordan might be better scheme fits, Bowers, who falls due to concerns over a surgically repaired knee that could someday require microfracture surgery, is too talented to pass up. If healthy, he’s an elite talent, a potential #1 overall pick so the Texans would be wise to be patient and let him heal, his size, speed and pass rushing skills could yield a future Pro Bowler. He’s versatile (there’s that word again) enough to play 4-3 end, 3-4 end and maybe as an oversized 3-4 ‘backer. A front line of Bowers, Mario Williams, DeMeco Ryans and Brian Cushing could be devastating. On a side note, we’re probably completely wrong about this pick and he’ll go 10 picks later and be a huge steal for someone.

Reminds Us Of: Justin Tuck

12. Minnesota Vikings, 6-10

Team Needs: QB, S, DE, DT, OLB, To finally move on, Moving vans pointed toward L.A., A new roof, Another aging QB who’s reputation far outstrips his production, On a totally unrelated note, Donovan McNabb

Cameron Jordan, DE, Cal, 6'4", 287 lbs

Despite all their talent, the Vikes were simply overwhelmed by the Brett Favre saga last year, leading to a 6-10 record, a new head coach and, at some point, a new quarterback. While Locker is certainly in play here it would be a bit of a reach (particularly for a team that views itself as a contender) and Jordan, a hot name due to his ability to play the power end in a 4-3 front (in addition to his experience in the 3-4 at Cal) represents excellent value as a complimentary pass-rusher and run stopper to play in the rotation with Jared Allen and Ray Edwards. He’s not overly explosive but he plays with energy and is solid in all areas. Minny knows him well as his father, Steve, played 13 years at tight end in the Twin Cities.

Reminds Us Of: Will Smith (the non-jiggy one)

13. Detroit Lions, 6-10

Team Needs: T, G, LB, SS, DE, CB, A shoulder that allows Stafford to get the ball to Megatron, To watch that Chrysler commercial before every game, Seriously that commercial friggin rules it almost makes us want to move to Detroit until we remember it’s an abandoned mess

Prince Amukamara, CB, Nebraska, 6', 206 lbs

Lead by instant All-Pro Ndamukong Suh, the Lions made huge strides just to get to 6-10. But even Suh can’t get them to the next level alone.  Adding his former teammate, and fellow Misspelled Name All-Star, Amukamara would give them another building block for their not-so-bleak future. While not as physically imposing as Peterson, some believe Prince is the best cover corner in the draft. He’s a low risk prospect with superior technical acumen, good size, great closing speed, proven production (see Locker, Jake: 4-20 v. Nebraska) and the ability to support the run. He should be a starter from Day 1 in Detroit.

Reminds Us Of: Johnathan Joseph/Leon Hall

14. St. Louis Rams, 7-9

Team Needs: WR, CB, OLB, DT, DE, S, G, To keep doing what they're doing, Puberty for Lil Sammy Bradford

Corey Liuget, DT, Illinois, 6'3", 298 lbs

To help the development of franchise-caliber Sam Bradford they’d love to get Jones or Green but unless they’re willing to trade up, they’ll have to look elsewhere for a pass catcher. That's not to say Liuget (apparently pronounced “Legit”) is just some consolation prize. He's a solid, two-way tackle that plays hard and should develop into a starter in St. Louis.

Reminds Us Of: Jay Ratliff

15. Miami Dolphins, 7-9

Team Needs: QB, RB, G, C, An offense, A better mascot, More talents to be taken to South Beach

Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama, 5'9", 215 lbs

Miami is another team in need or a quarterback but they’ve shown a propensity toward the ground game so we expect them to take care of that area first. Ingram had a bit of a down year (it's hard to follow up a Heisman campaign) but he’s got feature back written all over him due to his power/speed combo and instinctive running style. He’s not physically dominant, preferring to set up his blocks and consistently getting all the yards available - more Emmitt Smith than Adrian Peterson.  Pouncey is another possibility here.

Reminds Us Of: Emmitt Smith/Thomas Jones

16. Jacksonville Jaguars, 8-8

Team Needs: DE, LB, S, A move to Los Angeles before the Vikes beat them to it, More of Jaxson de Ville

Ryan Kerrigan, DE, Purdue, 6'4" 267 lbs

Defensive end is easily the Jags’ biggest need and they should have plenty of options.  In the past Jacksonville has shown an affinity for no-nonsense, hardworking, leader-types so we're giving them Kerrigan who combines those attributes with explosiveness and pass-rushing ability.  He racked up 13 sacks and lead the nation in tackles for loss.  He’s a little stiff and needs to get stronger but he could become the dominant edge-rusher the Jags have needed forever.

Reminds Us Of: Aaron Kampman

17. New England Patriots (from Raiders), 14-2

Team Needs: WR, T, OLB, A right to the face, To make a damn pick, Tissues for Tommy

Muhammad Wilkerson, DT/DE, Temple, 6’4”, 315 lbs

With their boatload of picks, the Pats hold a ton of sway in this draft. They have something like 47 picks in the first 4 rounds so they could move up, back or sideways. After years of accumulating good players, it’s time to go all in and get some studs of for the last Brady run.  We’ve long thought that taking JJ Watt, a hard-working, intense, football loving type, would be a “Belichick” move.  But, upon reflection, grabbing Wilkerson, a junior who could have been a Top 10 pick if he stayed in school, seems like the perfect Belichick. He’s a prototypical 3-4 end who dominated at Temple and can get into the backfield and after the QB, something the Pats sorely lacked. He’s going to be really, really good.

Reminds Us Of: Kevin Williams/Richard Seymour

18. San Diego Chargers, 9-7

Team Needs: DT, WR, DE, T, MLB, A less arrogant general manager, To kill Phillip Rivers, Better weather

JJ Watt, DE, Wisconsin, 6’5”, 290 lbs

San Diego is another team that is less than the sum of its parts. But with their talent, they can ignore needs and go for the best available. In this scenario, they get Watt, a guy who could go as high as 10 but will slip behind guys with more athletic gifts. He’s a big, hard-working, versatile player who loves football and will bring some energy to the Bolts defense.

Reminds Us Of: Justin Smith

19. New York Giants, 10-6

Team Needs: OLB, T, RB, A mandatory team seminar on discipline and avoiding mistakes, To remind Tiki they won the Super Bowl after he retired, To learn how to protect a lead, The death of Matt Dodge

Anthony Costanzo, OT, Boston College, 6'7", 311 lbs

With the linebacker position being exceptionally weak this year (though Ayers is a possibility), the Giants will likely have to pass on their biggest need and address a secondary concern – their aging offensive line. Coughlin loves his BC guys and has had success mining his former stomping grounds (Snee and Kiwanuka). Costanzo should be no exception. A four-year starter at BC, he’s an exceptional value as a solid pass-blocker with high-level athleticism.  He needs to get stronger but if he can develop quickly, it could would allow the G-Men to slide Diehl inside to guard and upgrade two positions for the price of one.

Reminds Us Of: Chad Clifton

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 10-6

Team Needs: G, DE, OLB, S, More of the creamsicle uniforms

Aldon Smith OLB Missouri, 6’4”, 260 lbs

Last year the Bucs addressed the interior of their defensive line, this year they start to work the edges and Smith, a raw, athletic pass-rushing prospect, has the potential to be great, with an emphasis on potential.  While he has the speed to turn the corner and the strength to set the edge, he still needs to fill out and develop better instincts. Boom or bust potential is high.

Reminds Us Of: Osi Umenyiora

21. Kansas City Chiefs, 10-6

Team Needs: T, CB, WR, DT, LB, SS, A head coach who doesn't look like an offseason meth dealer, The return of Jan Stenerud

Gabe Carimi, OT, Wisconsin, 6'6", 318 lbs

For a 10 win team, the Chefs have a surprising number of holes, most notably along the O-line and in the linebacking corps. With good options in both areas, Pioli has to make a choice and we guess he goes big and, if he does, Carimi fits the bill. He could potentially develop into an NFL caliber LT but we think his home is as a right side mauler and teaming with LT Brandan Albert to open holes for Jamaal Charles. Coming from Wisconsin he’s a proven run blocker but still shows underrated pass blocking skills.

Reminds Us Of: Kareem McKenzie

22. Indianapolis Colts, 10-6

Team Needs: T, G, DT, SS, OLB, To wake Jim Caldwell from his slumber, To stop blaming everyone except Mr. Laser-Rocket Arm

Nate Solder, T, Colorado, 6'8", 319 lbs

The foundation of the NFL's most consistent team started to show cracks last season due to injuries and a general inability to keep the great (and blameless) Peyton Manning comfortable.  That makes Solder the  obvious pick.  He’s a freak in a land of freaks measuring taller, heavier and faster than almost every lineman. He dominated everyone and everything during Senior Bowl practices but remains a bit raw in terms of technique and strength. On physical talent alone he’s a Top 10 pick but the entire package leaves a little to be desired right now.

Reminds Us Of: Somewhere between Robert Gallery and Michael Roos

23. Philadelphia Eagles, 10-6

Team Needs: CB, G, C, T, OLB, Integrity, To promote their offensive line coach to defensive coordinator, Seriously, they did that, To suck less

Jimmy Smith, CB, Colorado, 6'2" 211 lbs

The Eagles need help in the secondary with little quality depth after Asante Samuel. Enter Jimmy Smith, a player considered by some to be the second best corner in the draft but slips due to serious character concerns (including failed drug tests and an alcohol arrest).  At #23, though, his talent outweighs those risks. He’s the type of big, fast, strong and aggressive corner that Philly hasn’t seen since the likes of Troy Vincent and Bobby Taylor. He can press, tackle and make plays on the ball. Basically he does everything you want and if he can stay focused, the Eagles get a steal.

Reminds Us Of: A cross between Nnamdi Asomugha & Antonio Cromartie

24. New Orleans Saints, 11-5

Team Needs: RB, DE, DT, OLB, SS, To avoid the short fall back to suckiness, Less of whatever that is on Drew Brees’ face

Cameron Heyward, DL, Ohio State, 6'5", 294 lbs

In a division with Matt Ryan and Josh Freeman (and Jimmy Clausen!!), the Saints are going to need to rebuild a defense that showed serious signs of decline last season.  Despite a sub-par senior season, Heyward, the son of Tecmo Super Bowl legend Ironhead, is a versatile talent who fits in either a 4-3 or 3-4 and would give them plenty of flexibility in filling their other holes. He won’t likely ever be a star but he’ll be more than solid for a long time.

Reminds Us Of: Ty Warren/Shaun Ellis

25. Seattle Seahawks, 7-9

Team Needs: QB, T, G, C, DE, DT, SS, CB, Competition Dude!!, Clipboard Apostles

Mike Pouncey, G/C, Florida 6'5", 309 lbs

Pouncey or Locker. Locker or Pouncey. You could flip a coin for this one but the Hawks invested in Clipboard Jesus last year so they obviously saw something and Carroll seems like a guy who would rather build in the trenches than at QB. We just can’t pull the trigger on him here. With needs at guard and center, Pouncey is yet another versatile player that can fill many needs. He’s not quite as good as his brother but has similar size, quickness and nastiness. Probably better suited for guard than center but he can fill in there in a pinch. With him the Seahawks would have a cornerstone lineman to build around. Seattle also could look to trade back.

Reminds Us Of: Maurkice Pouncey

26. Baltimore Ravens, 12-4

Team Needs: WR, CB, S, T, OLB, C, A chill pill, To watch “The Wire”, Everyone should watch that show

Adrian Clayborn, DE, Iowa, 6'3", 281 lbs

The Ravens defense has been dominant for the majority of the last decade but it's finally starting to show signs of age. The secondary is certainly a position of need but a chance to grab Clayborn, yet another one of the high-energy, hard-working ends this draft, is rare. He’s probably best suited for a right end spot in the 4-3 but his size, power and ability to penetrate will translate just fine to the 3-4 and his intensity will be perfect for the Ravens locker room. This guy is much more talented than the typical late first round pick and should be able to step in immediately.  He falls after an average year due to concerns over nerve damage in his right arm.

Reminds Us Of: Kyle Vanden Bosch

27. Atlanta Falcons, 13-3

Team Needs: T, DE, G, OLB, People to care enough to come up with something snarky to say, To bring back the “Dirty Bird” and/or MC Hammer

Akeem Ayers, LB, UCLA, 6'2", 250 lbs

The Falcons don’t have any real pressing needs - a #2 WR to play opposite Rowdy Roddy White, a back-up pass-rusher, another tackle. That gives them the luxury of either trading out of this spot to a team in love with Jake Locker or Andy Dalton or simply taking the best player available. Since even we can’t predict trades, we’ll got the best available route and give them Ayers, a super athletic, solid all-around OLB. He can play the strong side, stop the run, cover a bit and, most importantly, rush the passer. A bit raw right now but with time and coaching, he could be in impact guy.

Reminds Us Of: Mike Vrabel

28. New England Patriots, 14-2

Team Needs: WR, T, OLB, A left to the face, Seriously pick a player, "Whaaa, Whaaa, I was picked 199 overall, I’m so sad"

Justin Houston, OLB/DE, Georgia, 6'3", 270 lbs

After snagging a versatile lineman at #17, the Pats continue to address their "deficiencies" on defense, by adding an edge pass-rusher. While some think Houston is best suited to be a 4-3 end, the Pats are from the school of giant linebackers so at 270 lbs he’s exactly what they’re looking for.  Add in junior eligibility, good speed, pass-rushing ability and experience in the 3-4 from his time at Georgia and the Pats have a chance to add another playmaker for their last Brady title run.

Reminds Us Of: Willie McGinest

29. Chicago Bears, 11-5

Team Needs: T, WR, G, C, OLB, DT, Some semblance of a running game, To know that rain isn’t water falling from the sky, but god spitting at Jay Cutler

Derek Sherrod, OT, Miss St, 6'5", 321 lbs

After allowing 55 sacks, the Bears have to draft a tackle and would love for Solder to fall to them.  But with all the teams ahead of them with similar needs, we doubt that happens.  Still, adding Sherrod, a good pass blocker with solid technique, quickness and long arms, is a solid move.  He needs work but he’s got plenty of upside as a starting tackle.

Reminds Us Of: Sam Baker/Matt Light

30. New York Jets, 11-5

Team Needs: G, DE, DT, OLB, WR, To shut the fuck up, seriously, please stop talking, Rubbers for Cromartie, More guarantees, To write a few more books

Phil Taylor, DT, Baylor, 6’3”, 337 lbs

After again coming within a hair of the Super Bowl, the Jets face an offseason of transition with something like 18 important players entering free agency and even more guarantees of Super Bowl victories to come. We're going to assume they re-sign enough of their offensive pieces to allow them to focus on improving a solid, if unspectacular, defense. Rex may get a ton of crap for being a borderline buffoon, but you have to be impressed with what he's done with a defense completely devoid of front seven playmakers.  Taylor doesn’t fill that need but, with Kris Jenkins unable to stay healthy, they need an inside presence to allow the others to be at their best.  Taylor is just that type player.  He lacks much range but when he's stacking up blockers and occupying double teams that won't be an issue. The Jets are one team that won’t be scared off by his character issues (he was dismissed from Penn State for “academic reasons.”)

Reminds Us Of: Casey Hampton

31. Pittsburgh Steelers, 12-4

Team Needs: T, DE, CB, G, A less rapey QB, To miss the playoffs like all the other Super Bowl losers

Danny Watkins, G, Baylor, 6'3" 310 lbs

The Steelers will look to upgrade their biggest area of weakness the O-line.  While Ben has proven that he can get himself (in and) out of trouble but they need to invest in players who will keep him safe and Watkins, who played tackle in college, profiles as a nasty interior lineman. He’s already 27 so age is an issue, but at this point, if you get a guy who can play, you’re happy and Watkins can certainly do that.

Reminds Us Of: A Guard

32. Green Bay Packers, 10-6

Team Needs: RB, OLB, DE, G, CB, Crackers, To get caught up in the hype and fall apart (please!!), To actually wear championship belts

Brooks Reed, DE/OLB, Arizona, 6'2”, 263 lbs

With young talent on both sides of the ball, The Cheese Head Nation looks like it could be in for a long reign at the top of the NFC.  With no pressing needs, they'll either trade out or see who falls.  In this scenario, it’s Reed, a solid, high character pass rusher who got himself in the first round conversation with a 4.6 40.  He's a little stiff and doesn't change direction all that well but he's explosive and should make a good compliment to their star, Clay Matthews.

Reminds Us Of: Brian Orakpo

32a. Jake Locker, QB, Washington, 6’2”, 231 lbs

Without projecting a trade, we can’t quite figure out where Locker is going to go. One thing we’re sure of is that this draft telecast won’t be remembered for Cam Newton, Patrick Peterson, suits or crying mama’s. It’s going to be remembered for how Locker is evaluated. He could go 10, 34 or anywhere in between but it will be interesting to see what happens. He’s got the arm strength, charisma, athleticisms and all that other stuff but his fatal flaw, at least right now, is accuracy and production. And on draft day, teams don’t usually overlook that stuff so we think he’ll fall a little bit. (say what you want about Tebow but his numbers were ridiculous). Due to the sheer number of teams in need of a QB, someone will take the plunge and he probably won’t be treated as bad as Clausen was last year, but we’d expect it to happen in the second half of the round with one of the better teams trading back.

Also, look for Dalton and maybe Ponder or Mallet to be in the same boat.  They all have potential to be starters some day.  Mallet could be Drew Bledsoe but he's got some maturity issues.  We really like Ponder in the Matt Hasselbeck mold.  And Dalton, we're not sold, but people like winners. 

Reminds Us Of: Donovan McNabb

The Persnickety Project's 2011 NFL Mock Draft 3.0 - Part 2

Our trip through the land of optimism continues with Part 2 of our 2011 NFL Mock Draft.  The further down the board we go, the more prospects get bunched together and the more team needs and preferences come into play.  In fact, the talent level is so close that you could make an argument for the guy who goes 20 could go 10 and vice-versa.  If we’ve learned one thing in our time following the draft, it’s that teams will always do things that you don’t expect.  It’s a crapshoot but here’s our best guess on how it will continue.

11. Houston Texans, 6-10



Team Needs: DT, CB, S, Another 8-8 season, Syringes, To hail from a city where people do more than go to the mall and/or work for oil companies,


Da'Quan Bowers, DE, Clemson, 6'4", 280 lbs


New defensive coordinator Wade Phillips needs to upgrade a defense that was absolutely awful last season and continues to waste excellent offensive production by Schaub, Johnson and Foster. They could go with a corner but we think Phillips, who tends to lean more on his front seven, will look for help up front first. Ideally they’d get a pass rusher but with the top edge guys - Miller and Quinn – gone they’ll have avoid reaching for Aldon Smith and look to the line. While Watt or Jordan might be better scheme fits, Bowers, who falls due to concerns over a surgically repaired knee that could someday require microfracture surgery, is too talented to pass up. If healthy, he’s a potential #1 overall pick so if the Texans can be patient and let him heal, his size, speed and pass rushing skills could yield a future Pro Bowler. He’s versatile (there’s that word again) enough to play 4-3 end, 3-4 end and maybe as an oversized 3-4 ‘backer. A front line of Bowers, Mario Williams, DeMeco Ryans and Brian Cushing could be devastating.


Reminds Us Of: Justin Tuck


12. Minnesota Vikings, 6-10


Team Needs: QB, S, DE, DT, OLB, To finally move on, Moving vans pointed toward L.A., A new roof, Another aging QB who’s reputation far outstrips his production, On a totally unrelated note, Donovan McNabb


Cameron Jordan, DE, Cal, 6'4", 280 lbs


Despite all their talent, the Vikes were simply overwhelmed by the Brett Favre saga last year, leading to a 6-10 record, a new head coach and, at some point, a new quarterback. While Locker is certainly in play here it would be a bit of a reach (particularly for a veteran team) and Jordan, a hot name due to his ability to play the power end in a 4-3 front (in addition to his experience in the 3-4 at Cal) represents excellent value as a complimentary pass-rusher and run stopper to play in the rotation with Jared Allen and Ray Edwards. He’s not overly explosive but he plays with energy and is solid in all areas. Minny knows him well as his father, Steve, played 13 years at tight end in the Twin Cities.


Reminds Us Of: Will Smith (the non-jiggy one)


13. Detroit Lions, 6-10


Team Needs: T, G, LB, SS, DE, CB, A shoulder that allows Stafford to get the ball to Megatron, To watch that Chrysler commercial before every game, Seriously that commercial friggin rules it almost makes us want to move to Detroit until we remember it’s an abandoned mess


Prince Amukamara, CB, Nebraska, 6', 203 lbs


Lead by instant All-Pro Ndamukong Suh, the Lions made huge strides just to get to 6-10. But even Suh can’t get them to the next level alone so adding his former teammate, and fellow Misspelled Name All-Star, would give them another building block for their not-so-bleak future. While not as physically imposing as Peterson, some believe Prince is the best cover corner in the draft. He’s a low risk prospect with superior technical acumen, good size, great closing speed, proven production (see Locker, Jake: 4-20 v. Nebraska) and the ability to support the run. He should be a starter from Day 1 in Detroit.


Reminds Us Of: Johnathan Joseph/Leon Hall


14. St. Louis Rams, 7-9


Team Needs: WR, CB, OLB, DT, DE, S, G, To keep doing what they're doing, Puberty for Lil Sammy Bradford


Corey Liuget, DT, Illinois, 6'3", 300 lbs


The Rams are a team on the rise with Steve Spagnulo and Sam Bradford leading the way. In only one season, Bradford established himself as a franchise caliber signal caller and took a team that finished with the worst record in the league within one game of a playoff spot (sure it was the NFC West but still). To help his development they’d love to get Jones or Green but unless they’re willing to trade up, they’ll look elsewhere for a pass catcher. Liuget (pronounced “Legit”) isn’t just some consolation prize. He profiles as a solid, two-way tackle, who plays hard and should develop into a solid starter in St. Louis.


Reminds Us Of: Jay Ratliff


15. Miami Dolphins, 7-9


Team Needs: QB, RB, G, C, An offense, A better mascot, More talents to be taken to South Beach


Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama, 5'10", 215 lbs


Miami could go with Locker (or another QB here) or look at the other Pouncey twin but with both of the two-headed disappointment of Ronnie Brown and Ricky Williams likely gone, a rebuild of the running game is in order and we think Ingram is going to be really, really good. He had a bit of a down year after winning the Heisman as a sophomore, but he’s got feature back written all over him due to his power/speed combo and instinctive running style. He’s not physically dominant, preferring to set up his blocks and consistently getting all the yards available - more Emmitt Smith than Adrian Peterson.


Reminds Us Of: Emmitt Smith/Thomas Jones


16. Jacksonville Jaguars, 8-8


Team Needs: DE, LB, S, A move to Los Angeles before the Vikes beat them to it, More of Jaxson de Ville


Ryan Kerrigan, DE, Purdue, 6'4" 259 lbs


Defensive end is easily the Jags’ biggest need and at this point in the draft there should be plenty of options for the completion of their line overhaul. In the past Jacksonville has shown an affinity for no-nonsense, hardworking, leader-types and Kerrigan is exactly that type of player. He’s an excellent all-around end and relentless pass-rusher who racked up 13 sacks and lead the nation in tackles for loss. He’s a little still and needs to get stronger but he could become the dominant edge-rusher the Jags have needed forever.


Reminds Us Of: Aaron Kampman


17. New England Patriots (from Raiders), 14-2


Team Needs: WR, T, OLB, A right to the face, To make a damn pick, Tissues for Tommy


JJ Watt, DE, Wisconsin, 6’5”, 280 lbs


With their boatload of picks, the Pats hold a ton of sway in this draft. They could package them and move up (our preference) or do what they always do and trade back to accumulate more assets. For the sake of this exercise, we’ll keep them here just to see what it would be like if they actually made a decision. Tackle is a need but with the depth of the position and their need for defensive playmakers, we’re giving them Watt, a guy who could go as high as 10 but will slip behind guys with more athletic gifts. Where other teams see deficiencies, the Pats their ideal guy – a big, hard-working, versatile player who loves football who they’ll put in the right places to succeed.


Reminds Us Of: Justin Smith


18. San Diego Chargers, 9-7


Team Needs: DT, WR, DE, T, MLB, A less arrogant general manager, To kill Phillip Rivers, Better weather


Muhammad Wilkerson, DT, Temple, 6’5”, 305 lbs


San Diego is another team that is less than the sum of its parts. But with their talent, they can ignore needs and go for the best available. In this scenario, they get a bonus since Wilkerson is not only an excellent value but fills a relative need. He’s the prototypical, penetrating 3-4 end and a player who many believe could have wound up in the Marcell Dareus category in he stayed one more year in school. Could be a steal.


Reminds Us Of: Kevin Williams/Aaron Smith


19. New York Giants, 10-6


Team Needs: OLB, T, RB, A mandatory team seminar on discipline and avoiding mistakes, To remind Tiki they won the Super Bowl after he retired


Anthony Costanzo, OT, Boston College, 6'7", 295 lbs


With the linebacker position being exceptionally weak this year (though Ayers is a possibility), the Giants will likely have to pass on their biggest need and address a secondary concern – their aging offensive line. Coughlin loves his BC guys and has had success mining his former stomping grounds (Snee and Kiwanuka) and Costanzo should be no exception. A four-year starter at BC, he’s an exceptional value and with O'Hara and Diehl both missing time last year and McKenzie not getting any younger, an infusion of youth is necessary. If the athletic, former tight end with a rep as a good pass blocker can develop quickly, it could allow the G-Men to slide Diehl inside to guard and upgrade two positions.


Reminds Us Of: Chad Clifton


20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 10-6


Team Needs: G, DE, OLB, S, More of the creamsicle uniforms


Aldon Smith OLB Missouri, 6’5”, 260 lbs


Last year the Bucs addressed the interior of their defensive line, this year they start to work the edges and Smith, a raw, athletic pass-rushing prospect, has the potential to be great. Potential is the key word because, while he’s got speed to turn the corner and strength to set the edge, he still must fill out and develop better instincts to be productive as a pro. Boom or bust potential.

Reminds Us Of:  Osi Umenyiora

The Persnickety Project's 2011 NFL Mock Draft 3.0 - Part 1

It's almost that time people.  The NFL Draft is a mere two days away.  What used to be one of our favorite wasted weekends is now a three-day extravaganza that includes a prime-time airing of the first round on Thursday.  When it comes to symptoms of sports insanity, there really is nothing comparable to sitting through the 15 minute intervals between picks during the NFL Draft and not getting bored.  Unless, of course, you spend hours "scouting" to put together a sure to be completely wrong mock draft (or 3).  Well, that's what we do and we're back with the final, definitive taken - The Persnickety Project's NFL Mock Draft 3.0 - Part 1 (we're doing it in 3 parts due the country's rapidly declining attention span).  The format remains the same but we've added a new "Reminds Us Of" feature to give everyone a (hopefully) useful comparison to a better known player.

Here we go:  Picks 1-10.

1. Carolina Panthers, 2-14


Team Needs: WR, DE, DT, CB, OLB, G, C, All new players, Jerry Richardson to stop being such a douche

Cam Newton QB, Auburn, 6'5", 248 lbs

We've said from Day 1 that Newton would eventually find himself at the top of this draft due to his tremendous upside potential, start power, and the fact that the NFL is a quarterback league that drafts risky quarterbacks over much safer, better players. Fortunately time has proven us right. Unfortunately, we didn't have the balls to step out and make him our #1 back in December. Either way, despite his sometimes clumsy handling of the draft process in which he appeared arrogant and unprepared at times, Newton looks like the odds-on favorite to become the face of a floundering Carolina franchise. Newton’s college production was unparalleled and his blend of size, speed, arm strength and play making ability is truly unique but he needs to improve in other areas like accuracy. He could be a huge bust or revolutionize the position. Our money is on somewhere in between and if that happens, Carolina will be happy it made this bold move.

Reminds Us Of: A faster Daunte Culpepper

2. Denver Broncos, 4-12

Team Needs: LB, DT, OLB, The resurrection of John Elway, For their best defensive player to not be a 32-year old cornerback

Marcell Dareus DE/DT Alabama, 6'2", 319 lbs

New coach John Fox goes from Carolina to Denver and finds a team with lots of the same problems, a worse draft pick and a president who sits down the hall in an office bigger than his. Fox may be the coach but the team is now, and again, Elway’s. With a former quarterback running the show you might expect the Broncos to go in that direction up this high but with the investment they’ve made in Tebow and the Orton safety net, they’ll focus on fixing the defense and Dareus, a tackle who moves like an end, is an excellent start. Despite less impressive stats, Dareus has eclipsed former projected top pick Nick Fairley on the basis of his remarkable physical gifts (few 320 lb men are as quick and explosive) and versatility (his ability to play all over the line will be an asset during the painful transition from the 3-4 to 4-4 front). With his scary combination of size and strength and ability to disrupt the pocket, he will be an absolute star if he learns to play hard consistently.

Reminds Us Of: Richard Seymour/Kevin Williams

3. Buffalo Bills, 4-12

Team Needs: QB, OT, DE, OLB, SS, Hope, Passports

Von Miller, OLB/DE, Texas A&M, 6'3", 240 lbs

The Bills are in a tough spot. While they could use a quarterback, the relative emergence of Ryan Fitzpatrick as a serviceable NFL quarterback and Chan Gailey being unlikely to want to groom a guy like Gabbert for his successor, means they’ll likely focus on another area that can lead to immediate, drastic improvement – the pass rush and, when it comes to rushing the passer, Miller is a savant. He tore up the Big 12 (21.5 TFL and 17 sacks). Tore up the Senior Bowl and tore up the Combine. Now, with his stock cresting, he seems poised to go #3 and reinvigorate the Buffalo defense with his speed, explosiveness and fluidity. While he played DE in college, most scouts think he possess all the physical skills necessary to becomes a true, every down, playmaking linebacker. He’s not without risk, however, it’s always dicey to pick a player this high and ask him to switch positions. Just ask Vernon Gholston.

Reminds Us Of: Clay Matthews/James Harrison

4. Cincinnati Bengals, 4-12

Team Needs: QB, RB, DE, T, S, MLB, New ownership, To love Carson Palmer and set him free

Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri, 6'5", 240 lbs

Don’t take this pick as evidence that we no longer think the Bengals are delusional. In fact, this pick is just further evidence of their organizational insanity. In a family run organization, loyalty has to be paramount and ultimately Mike Brown will see Palmer’s gambit as a sign of disloyalty and cut ties. That would open the door for Gabbert, who many believe is the best passer available, to join the a team that’s never shied away from drafting quarterbacks as the first step toward rebuilding (Klingler, Smith, Palmer). While he remains relatively unknown, Gabbert has the prototypical NFL quarterback skills set of size, athleticism, arm strength, accuracy and leadership. His pedestrian college numbers (less productive at Mizzou than NFL backup Chase Daniels) belie his big talent and he could develop into a solid-to-excellent quarterback.

Reminds Us Of: Matt Schaub

5. Arizona Cardinals 5-11

Team Needs: QB, CB, OLB, T, G, A ruffie to forget the Derek Anderson era, To send Kurt Warner a piece of toast with an image of some religious thing to convince him it's his divine providence to play one more season

Patrick Peterson, CB, LSU, 6'1", 211 lbs

With the top two quarterbacks gone (we’ve long contended is not the move for a coach on the hot seat anyway) and none of the offensive tackles representing Top 5 value, defense becomes the priority and the decision comes down to value (Peterson) and need (Quinn). For the smart teams, value usually wins out so we’ll give the Cards the (unearned?) benefit of the doubt. Getting Peterson, the top cornerback and perhaps the top player overall, would be a coup. In the era of passing offenses, having a shut down corner in the mold of Revis or Asomugha is a valuable weapon and Peterson has that type of potential. He possesses a ridiculous blend of size and speed (210+ lbs, 4.3 40) and profiles as a big corner in the Woodson (Charles or Rod) mold. Add in his elite return ability and comparatively low downside (if for some reason he didn’t work out at corner he could easily slide over and become a game changing safety) and he’s a lock to be a game-changer.

Reminds Us Of: Charles Woodson/Rod Woodson

6. Cleveland Browns, 5-11

Team Needs: WR, T, LB, DE, Something else for people of Cleveland to do, A chaperon for the new 15-year old coach

A.J. Green, WR, Georgia, 6'4", 208 lbs

This is the biggest no brainer in the history of earth. No team is in more need of a top WR than the Browns and Green, a big, fast player with hands and route running skills to match is, despite the uninspiring Combine performance, the premier prospect as the position. He could form a potent tandem with the promising Colt McCoy as the Browns try desperately to move back to relevance. This pick could end up being reminiscent of the Vikes getting Adrian Peterson when Green bursts onto the scene next year as a big-time rookie playmaker.

Reminds Us Of: Larry Fitzgerald

7. San Francisco 49ers, 6-10

Team Needs: QB, WR, QB, DT, QB, LB, QB, CB, QB, Winners, A glass of milk for Frank Gore and his broken hip

Robert Quinn, DE/OLB, North Carolina, 6'4", 254 lbs

QB play cost Mike Singletary his job and got Jim Harbaugh his, so the Niners would love for Gabbert or Newton to fall to them but, absent a surprise on that front, we’d expect them to go with the best defensive player available for their scheme. While Fairley is probably best player available, he’s such a poor fit for the 3-4 that Quinn, a hybrid OLB/DE who can play outside in the 3-4, is the pick. Despite missing his entire senior season due to NCAA infractions, Quinn is a physical freak and fearsome pass rusher with a combination of speed and size that should make him an instant impact player as a situational pass rusher for the anemic San Fran defense. Also, NCAA issues notwithstanding, Quinn is considered a high-character player and exceptionally hard-worker (he worked his way back from a brain tumor his senior year in high school) and has all the tools to be dominant.

Reminds Us Of: DeMarcus Ware

8. Tennessee Titans, 6-10

Team Needs: QB, G, LB, CB, An owner who doesn't throw his coach under the bus and then pretend he didn't, For their new coach to grow a mustache and beard so fans think Jeff Fisher never left

Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn, 6'4", 299 lbs

This is probably the best case scenario for the team trying to replace its long time coach and sometime quarterback. Due to concerns about his character and (lack of) weight, Fairely went from the odds-on #1 pick to a player trying to stay in the Top 10. But he can’t fall any further than this. We’ll go on record as saying the concerns about his weight being too low are completely overblown and while the character concerns shouldn’t be ignored, neither should a season that saw Fairely dominate from start to finish with 11 sacks, a Lombardi Award and a stellar performance in the National Championship Game (5 tackles 3 for a loss and a forced fumble). He can dominate with both power and quickness against either the pass or the run and, if he can put his maturity and work ethic issues behind him, we’ll look back at his fall much like we do with the great Warren Sapp.

Reminds Us Of: Warren Sapp

9. Dallas Cowboys, 6-10

Team Needs: T, G, DE, S, CB, To go away, To not sell tickets for seats that don't exist

Tyron Smith, T, USC, 6'5", 291 lbs

After an wonderfully, awful season, Dallas finds itself picking in the Top 10 after watching NFC-rival Green Bay hoist the Lombardi Trophy in their own building. Boy, doesn't that suck. Tackle is a huge area of need and Smith, another guy we long expected to work his way up the draft board but lacked the fortitude to commit to, has solidified his value. While he’s a bit undersized at this point and played right tackle in college, Smith is an elite athlete playing tackle. The catch, of course, is that at this point, Smith is mostly just that but with passing skills honed in USC’s pass-heavy, pro-style offense, he has the tools to develop into a true blindside protector. Dallas has the luxury of playing Doug Free at left tackle initially while plugging Smith in on the right side and allowing him to develop.

Reminds Us Of: D’Brickashaw Ferguson

10. Washington Redskins, 6-10

Team Needs: QB, RB, WR, T, G, DE, DT, CB, LB, A Haynesworth/McNabb enema, Some sunscreen for old Stroke Face

Julio Jones, WR, Alabama, 6'4", 211 lbs

This is the first big swing pick of the draft. The Skins roster is stocked with one thing – holes – and they could go so many different directions here. We’d long assumed that Shanahan would do what Shanahan does and develop a hard man-crush and snag a QB here. And we still wouldn’t be shocked to see Locker go to D.C. (either here or through a trade) but Jones, who also fills a big need, is just too exciting a prospect to pass up. Despite durability issues (though he didn’t miss many games, he was often banged up), Jones has his elite potential as a former top overall recruit at his position with great size, excellent timed speed (4.39 at the Combine, though he doesn’t play that fast) and good hands. While not quite on the level of Green in terms of pass-catching ability, Jones is more of a competitive blocker (a key to the Shanahan run game) and more physical player.

Reminds Us Of: Anquan Boldin in Brandon Marshall’s body

Mothers Don't Let Your Children Grow-Up To Be .... Car Dealership Magicians

Shopping for a car, particularly a used one, is a stressful experience.  Even before you get to the dealership, you're already on edge with a head full of estimated payments, Blue Book values and interest rates and your best "Don't F With Me" edge.  No matter how much they profess their honesty, you build a wall, dig a moat, or whatever, designed to protect you from the attacks of the car salesman masquerading as a scam artist that ultimately leads to the following conversation during the test drive:

Salesman:  So, do you have a long commute?

You:  Fuck you.

Salesman:  You can make a left right here.

Dealerships know this, so they try all kinds of tricks to try to know you off your game.  All the dealerships are all shiny and new.  Everybody has a nickname - "Oh, that's Fitz and this is Jimbo and they call me Slappy."  They'll even offer you coffee or a snack.  Anything to make you feel a little just a bit better about the fact that your about to absolutely waste a bunch of your hard earned money on something that guarantees only three things: (1) it will fall apart someday; (2) that day will come at the worst possible time; and (3) you'll be lucky if, when the inevitable happens, the title is in somebody else's name. 

A few weeks ago at a local dealership, we found out just how far they'll go.  After the obligatory test, we'd moved to the break in the action where the salesman leaves to see if the "manager" can lower the monthly payment but just comes back with the new numbers that have you double your down payment instead of lowering the price and make it seem like they're giving you a great deal.   (So, you're telling me if I give you more money now, it will cost me less per month?  Well, thanks for the info Slappy!!)  So, during this lull in the action, a guy wandered over holding a wallet and asked if either us or The Mrs had lost ours.  Despite the fact that it looked nothing like any wallet we'd ever owned, we instinctively checked our pockets, told him we were indeed still in possession of our own useless wallet and gave him our best and most polite blow-off. 

He lingered, however.   Maybe he was waiting for us to say something.  Or maybe he was just working up the courage to do what came next.  After about 10 seconds, with a bravery we doubt we could ever muster, he informed us that it was unfortunate that the wallet in question wasn't ours because it "had money to burn" as he opened the wallet to reveal a flame.  Oh.  No.  Despite the flame before our eyes, we were absolutely engulfed in douche chills.  And confusion.  Why was there a man, in a car dealership, holding a flaming wallet?  His presence was completely out of context there.  Hell, it would have been completely out of context anywhere.

He looked like any other car salesman you might meet except he seemed to possess an additional layer of desperation and sadness.  Even more than someone who's primary responsibility is to rip people off.  As we continued to assess his presence, we noticed the weird rings and purple silk shirt he was wearing with his black suit and along with the flaming wallet and the emerging deck of cards, we began to conclude that he must be some sort of magician (or the Count Chocula).  Unfortunately, that realization only confused us more.  Was he some sort of traveling, freelance magic man?  Did he work at the dealership?  Was he homeless?  Do we give him a dollar?  Could be levitate? 

As these questions swirled, he informed us that he was indeed employed by the dealership and his role was to help make people comfortable the car buying experience.  We didn't have the heart to tell him he was doing the exact opposite.  Again, we tried to express our most polite disinterest but he simply soldiered on in his mission to give us a weird story to tell people.  The deck of cards emerged fully and he began the standard "Pick a Card Routine" (you know the one that nobody knows or cares how it's done) but with the added twist of having written a bunch of random words on the card backs that coincided with the lies about the people that were trying to screw us.  At this point, the 25 foot ceilings of the room could barely contain the awkwardness. But, he wasn't done.  Not by a long shot. 
Next was the hide the ball game.  Three cups.  One ball.  Zero interest.  We'll spare you the details in full only to say: (1) that game is much more fun on  the big screen at Yankee Stadium; (2) it's really unnecessary to use slight of hand when people aren't paying any attention; and (3) it ended with a lemon.  Mercifully that was the last of the "tricks."  But the show wasn't over.  It was our turn as we put forth the illusion that it was so interesting and and totally unique and wondered aloud why other dealerships didn't do the same thing  (we were informed that the had been submitted to "magic publications" in an attempt to spread the practice.)  And, with that, one of the most surreal experiences of our life was over.  We still haven't quite recovered.

So, we pass this story along not to ridicule the man in question but as a cautionary tale.  It's not his fault but that of his parents who didn't show the proper amount of disdain the first time he picked up a shitty cardboard wand and started yelling "abracadabra."  He probably thought he'd be the next David Blaine staying up for like 17 straight hours or doing 10 push-ups in Times Square.  Instead, he's carrying around a worn out top hat and a mangy rabbit.  So, please if your child asks for a subscription to "Poof" or starts planning to make the family yacht disappear.  Do the right thing.  Berate him.  Tell him magicians suck.  Whatever you need to do, just don't let your children grow up to be car dealership magicians.

Talking Stuff With LT



Grab a seat and let LT share his philosophy of life.

 honor of the great Lawrence Taylor (the HOF linebacker/crackhead, not the current washed-up running back) receiving the lowest sex offender status despite being convinced of solicitation of underage prostitutes (which unfortunately means he's spared the awkwardness of all those autograph requests when he informed his neighbors), we thought it might be fun to look back at his epic Fox News interview a few weeks ago. 

With that we present: Talking Whores with LT.
(Quotes from here.)

Speaking on Fox News' "Studio B with Shepard Smith," Taylor said he had asked the prostitute her age, and was told she was 19"

Taylor also made an appearance on "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" that involved more witty banter and walking but the show was cancelled before it aired.  We're not left with this.

"That's not my M.O. I've been around kids and people all my life,"

Two things:  (1) it's not his M.O. to get caught; and (2) we never realized that the presence of other people prevented this type of thing.  Kinda always thought it was the other way around.

"I'm not the cause of prostitution. And sometimes I make mistakes and I may go out there."

Totally not.  It's not the guy, who makes the call, and pays the money, and creates the demand that causes prostitution.  That's Economics 101.  Maybe later on we'll find someone to blame (that's foreshadowing!!)

"And I didn't go pick her up on no playground. She wasn't hiding behind the school bus or getting off a school bus. This is a working girl that came to my room."

Well, at least he wasn't lurking around the see-saw looking for company.  Now, THAT would have been inappropriate.  Anyone else get the impression that LT is missing the point here? 

Taylor blamed the institution of prostitution for the fact that he ended up with an underage girl.

There we go.  It's the institution of prostitution (which has a nice ring to it).  We suppose the guy who pays for the sex is completely separate and apart from the institution of prostitution (say it with us!!).  Might as well blame the Illuminati.

"It's the world of prostitution," he said during the Fox News interview. "You never know what you're gonna get. Is it gonna be a pretty girl, an ugly girl or whatever it's gonna be."

Little know fact about prostitution?  Exactly like a box of chocolates.  Thank you for those words of wisdom Forrest Hump.

Or a young girl? Smith asked.  "You can only ask," Taylor said. "I don't card them. I don't ask for a birth certificate."

He was misquoted, he meant "hope", "you can only hope."  Maybe he should ID them.  He could set up a little velvet rope, get a bouncer, hire a D.J., the whole nine yards.  Make it real classy.  As for the birth certificate, from what we read those things are damn hard to find.  Maybe he could get a "Certificate of Live Birth" or something like that.  But if he wants a real birth certificate, he'll probably have to consult Donald Trump.

Taylor said he had "no beef" with the girl.

How magnanimous of him.  He commits adulterous statutory rape with a hooker but he's not mad at her.  LT's a forgiving man.  It's inspiring!!

"I'll take my punishment like I should, but my problem is at home with my wife, so that's really the only one I have to answer to,"

"and the solution to that problem usually involves about five 0's."

"It happens sometimes," Taylor said. "I'd been on the road 10 or 11 days and I came in to town. Actually, I made a phone call to a friend of mine, and he made a phone call."

"And in fact, it wasn't even a phone.  He send a text message.  And wow that I think about it, he wasn't even really my friend, more of an acquaintance, a friend of a friend.  He might have used a homing pigeon or a smoke signal or something.  You know how it is, we're taking 10 days.  Ever heard that Bob Seger song.  The road is tough.  A man has NEEDS.  And a man like LT can't be caged up for the a little more than a week.  Are you kidding?  Two more days and .... you don't wanna know what would have happened."

"I'm not looking for a relationship. Hey, sometimes I look for some company," Taylor said. "It's all clean. I don't have to worry about your feelings. It's all clean. I'm not saying it's right. It's the oldest profession in the world."

LT doesn't wanna have to go on Facebook and change his status.  Or let some chick wear his varsity jacket. Or compromise on what movie he goes to see.  No promise rings for this guy.

"I guess you call it a crime," he said during the interview. "It's one of those crimes you don't think about. You never think you're gonna get busted because everyone does it until you get busted, and then it's more embarrassing than anything else."

"You know, if you define illegal things as crimes, per se.  But, LT don't play by society's rules.  It's like speeding.  Everybody speeds.  You speed.  I pay for sex and do drugs.  It's the same thing, man.  Victimless crimes.  Don't come at LT with your fake morality.  Hippocrates!!"

Getting Old One Word At a Time

No, no.  We said, old man ...
not Oldman

It as last Tuesday when we realized, suddenly and definitively, that we were old.  We'd always imagined the aging process to be somewhat subtle and linear.  That it might happen in fits and starts but ultimately, you don't grow old over night.  At least that's what we thought.

There are two ways you get old - mentally and physically.  The physical part is the one that's supposed to go first.  At some point your body begins to act like an ungrateful, rebellious teenager.  At first, subtly and subversively ignoring your commands before progressing into outright defiance and ultimately a complete loss of control.  Maybe you fight it but like a roller coaster, once the decent starts, no matter how hard you try or how high you get, you can never quite reach that initial peak.  Through a series of basketball games and other random activities that no normal, well-adjusted person at our age should involving weighted vests, sprints, car pushing and P90X.  Eventually the creaky ankles and increasingly balky knees and back will finally give out and we'll start talking in terms of what we "used" to be able to do instead of what we hope to be able to do one day.  But for now, we're fighting the good fight.  It's an ugly and unfair process but you can at least take solace in its predictability.

The mental part, that's a different story.  Apparently, you're only as old as you feel and that, at least, implies that even as you start to reach a Josh Hamilton level of brittleness, you can at least make up some ground by maintaining a youthful mindset.  We haven't necessarily  felt "young" in a while, having long since given up on youthful pursuits like "going out" and "drinking" and "staying up past 10" while embracing things like "Criminal Minds" and nap time.  But all those things were supposed to fall in the category of "relaxation" and "contentment."  They weren't supposed to be some early indication that we were giving in to our elderly urges.  But that illusion was shattered, like your dreams after the first student loan bill, with the utterance of one simple word:

"Seriously."

It was a typically crappy late-March Tuesday at the train station, as we continued to wait for that elusive lamb, made just that much shittier due to the ticket machine's apparent plastic allergy and the fact that we had neither a ticket home nor any cash (who still carries cash anyway?  Drug dealers?  People without bank accounts?  Anyone else we can make baseless generalizations about?)  As we scrambled around the station looking for another machine, we were stunned to encounter a stream of rocks flying across our path.  None of which, of course, hit us.  As we glanced toward the curb to find the source of the assault (read: minor annoyance) we eyed the two ruffians (read: random skater-looking kids).  As the culprits attempted to apologize, we made it quite apparent we would have none of it by letting out the offending word. 

As with most of the important things we've ever said, it wasn't the word itself but the inflection that made it so bad.  When said matter-of-factly or in agreement the it's completely innocuous.  And even if its said in a "white guy trying to sound cool" way, though awful, it's not damaging to the self-image.  But, when with such contemptuous, incredulous and reprimanding way that it could have easily been replaced with "Get Off My Lawn", only to be tagged with the equally embarrassing "Throwing rocks?  In a parking lot?", you're left with the inescapable conclusion that, no matter how many dick jokes we make or basketball games we play we are, in fact, a very old, curmudgeonly man.  At least if they'd hit us with rocks or attacked us with skateboards, we might have been able to garner some sympathy.  Now we're just in need of elder care.

Today In Craigslist Job Posting - Creepy Attorney Seeks Desperate Woman to Serve as Plaintiff in Future Sexual Harassment Lawsuit

We swear this isn't going to become all we do here.  But again, we came across a job posting so inappropriate that we just couldn't let it go by without comment.  And, again, it highlights what kind of psychopaths attorneys can be.  While you're reading it try to put yourself in the mind of a man who felt it appropriate to put this out for the world to see.  (We'll make the usual disclaimer that Craigslist is totally unvetted so this could be completely fake but if it is, we give "mad props" to whoever wrote this comedic gem). 

Let's go line-by-line-ish and check the "Creep-o-Matic" readings.

I am a lawyer in Center City Phila and I need a co-author/editor who can smile every day.

The Creep-o-Matic registers only a 2 at this point, mainly because it's programmed to give people the benefit of the doubt.  Sure, having the primary qualification for the job being to "smile every day" is a little weird but maybe it's just be a cute little intro to get the point across that it's a friendly office environment.

No whiners "I am busy, I am tired," None of that. Must type 50 WPM and have positive attitude.  Must be Friendly.

Or maybe not.  That's "friendly" with a capital "F" bitch!!  The candidate pool certainly shrinks from people who smile every day to those few who can maintain a positive attitude while this guy berates them like Ahhnold in Kindergarten Cop ("Stop Whining!!").  That and clowns.  Clowns with smiley face make-up should also apply.

The COM is up to 5.

No legal experience necessary. Must follow the rules for pursuit of excellence. Good English and proper business manners required. Must dress elegantly and be deferential. Must smile.

Rule #1:  SMILE!!!!!!  The more we read the more we're convinced that this guy is actually looking for someone to murder not hire.  It's starting to read like an episode of Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior.  All we need is Forrest Whitaker pretending he's the unsub while looking in two directions at once:  "I'm a lawyer.  I'm from Philadelphia.  I want her to dress elegantly and smile.  So I kidnap her, tie her up and dress her in my mother's prom gown.  (Pause for 12 seconds).  I know where to find this guy." (Cut to Janeane Garofalo starting blankly like a JC Penny mannequin)

COM bumps up to 9.

Some evening work time required.


".... at my place of course."

COM: 10 and beginning to overheat.

Please email resume. This is a short-term assignment. Photo appreciated, but not required.

Way to blow your cover with the photo request dude.  Guess he only plans on keeping them alive in his basement for a few weeks, thus the short term nature of the assignment.   

COM: 147

Graciously Yours
Allan K.

There is absolutely nothing gracious about you, Allan.  And if you google "Allan K, Lawyer, Philadelphia" someone comes up.  We're quite sure it is NOT him.


BONUS!!

I am seeking legal representation to sue a college that I go to. My rofessor was made aware that students were cheating and did nothing about it.

Is that right Scooby?

 I believe that my garde would have been higher had it not been for the cheaters.

"... or if I knew how to spell."

Rutgers and UMDNJ would have terminated this professor for a lack of integrity- but my college stands behind her .

No they wouldn't have.  Keep dreaming, son.

 Also anothe rprofessor came to school in pyjamas , missed class and our relationship deteroriated after I told her I could not pay her for tutoring.

A refund might be in order as well.

Again I believe the college lacks integrity. so I want to sue

Good luck with that.  We're quite confident the court will award you damages in the first ever "Failure to Educate" cause of action.