Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 16 - Season Finale

You:  Screwed.
Next Right.

So we missed last week's fantasy football post, apparently we were distracted by the holidays and our epic take down of a song that came out over 25 years ago.  First!!

Anyway, commuting sucks.  Last night, we had another one of our patented 50-miles in 3 hours drives home.  The thing that made this one so special is that it wasn't just the traffic that slowed us down, it was the 2 hour gas stop we made.

How does it take 2 hours to get gas?  Well, when you're parked on the side of the turnpike waiting for AAA, those things tend to take awhile.  Yeah, that's right, we ran out of gas.  We were totally the asshole sitting pitifully in the shoulder with their hazards on, playing angry birds and hating their life. 

There really is no excuse for running out of gas.  First of all, there is now way you can drive a modern car and not realize your about to run out of fuel.  This isn't 1950, our cars have systems designed solely to protect us from our own stupidity.  It takes a special person like us to beat the system.  Not only do you have the little gas light that shines arrogantly at you.  You might not know exactly how much gas you have left but the light does.  It's not going to tell you though, it's happy to just dare you Dirty Harry-style to NOT heed its warning.  Add to that the trip odometer that, if you reset it like we do, gives you a pretty good idea of how far you can go and the 4,000 gas stations you pass on every drive and running out of gas means quite simply that you are a fool.  Still, none of those things prevented us from experiencing that unique feeling that happens when your car gives that little shake that says "I'm out of gas, Jackass!!" and and coasts quietly from 80 to 0 as you try your best to not rip the steering wheel off.

What makes the situation even worse is that we actually pulled into a gas station not a mile before.  But, in our commuting induced hurry, it was just too crowded for our liking.  So what if the fuel light came on right when we got in the car, we can't be bothered to wait 5 minutes, we have important things to do like eating and working out so we feel better about what we just ate.  Besides, nobody ever runs out of gas.  It just doesn't happen.  Right?

So why would someone make sure a stupid decision?  Well, like we said commuting sucks.  It turns us into a time-obsessed monster.  Anyone who's commuted to a job or school on a drive that took more than 30 minutes knows, particularly if your commute involves the possibility or reality of traffic, it changes you.  The only thing you care about is getting home in the shortest amount of time possible.  Fuck everything else.  At the end of the work day you run from your desk like Fred Flinstone at quitting time at the rock quarry.  Need to go to the bathroom?  Screw it, you can hold it.  Drinks with friends?  Sorry, no.  Can you pick up something for the house on the way home?  Yabba Dabba Don't Even Ask.  Once your in the car, it's all Mr. Hyde and road rage becomes the default setting.  Forget courtesy, if you're going to let someone turn in front of you, you'd better be prepared to feel our wrath.

So it was with that backdrop that we made the fateful decision to bypass the gas station and press our luck.  Unfortunately, about a mile later we hit a whammy.  At 7:15 we called AAA and they said they'd be there "within the half hour."  We know better then to trust their estimates but when they finally showed up 9:00 we were more than a little pissed.  To that point we had stayed in the car which was a good thing because when we got out to fill pay the gas dude, we felt like we stepped into the middle of a monster move.  Holy crap its scary!!  Not only is the wind whipping at 176 miles per hour, freezing your hands instantly, but there might not be much that is more disconcerting than a bus buzzing by you at 75. To make matter worse, because of the winter wonderland we're currently living in, there's hardly any room on the side of the road and our "pulled over" meant we were essentially 1 cm from the right lane (we were so close you could actually smell the disdain from the other drivers as they passed).  Needless to say, we gained a ton of respect for the gas dude as he stood there holding his breath and (we assume) praying he wasn't going to end up as the new hood ornament for a Peter Pan bus. 

So we got out gas and got home losing only some of our precious time.  We'd like to say we've learned our lesson but, we'll probably do the same thing next time, we've got to get home and sit on the couch!!  Plus, nobody runs out of gas, twice, right?  So if you see our dumb ass on the side of the road, honk and say hi.

On to the football guys.  For most of us, last week was the Fantasy Football Super Bowl - the most important yet completely meaningless event in our lives.  Let's take a look at the guys who killed or saved our fantasy seasons.

Btw - Congrats to The Darkwing Ducks for winning our league!! So what if we still think our team was better, you're the champ brother. 

1. Vincent Jackson, Wide Receiver, San Diego Superchargers;

Seriously, dude? Last week, when everyone in their right minds and not COMPLETELY desperate had him on their benches, he finally showed a glimpse of what could have been with a monster 5 catch, 112 yard and 3 touchdown performance (after a combined 2 catches for 29 yards in the two games he'd played).  So maybe he's back and ready to contribute?  Nope, this week he kills you the other way with 4 catches for 54 yards.  Thanks Vincent.  It's one thing for you to screw your real life team by not showing up until Week 11 but once you start screwing us and our fantasy teams you can go to hell. So glad we wasted a pick and then a season-long roster spot on you all season.  Much better then picking up Peyton Hillis or Mike Vick.

2. Cedric Benson, Running Back, Cincinnati Bengals;

Continuing our theme of getting killed by guys who we gave up on only to have them rekill you the next week, he present the case of Cedric Benson.  Last time we spoke, we declared him to again be the bust everyone thought he was in Chicago (rebust?) then he destroys the Browns with 150 yards and a touchdown and costs somebody a playoff game they should have easily won against an inferior team. What does that prove? Well, for one, Cedric Benson clearly reads The Project (why are you not signed up as a follower Ced?). Secondly, well, nothing since he followed that up with a useless 52 yarder on Sunday.  Let's move on before we kill someone.

3.  Receivers, Dallas Cowboys;
 
Rookie and "Guy in the Midst of a Breakout" Dez Bryant broke his damn leg a few weeks ago, leaving the passing game in the hands of Miles Austin and Jason Witten, two guys who both came up huge this week but had vastly different seasons.  Austin, last year's fantasy "Out of Nowhere Guy", has had about as disappointing a follow-up as you can have from last year's breakout (81 catches, 1320 yards, 11 scores) with only 67 catches for under 1,000 yard so far this season (losing Romo didn't help, but that excuse doesn't make your season any better).  His numbers look even worse when you consider that half his catches came in the first 4 games.  Since week 8, he's been (save for a fluke 2 catch, 2 TD performance in Week 11) completely useless.  Of course, this week he gives you 6 catches,  115 yards and a score in the Super Bowl.  Good for you if you played him. 
Witten on the other hand has been fantasy football's best tight end.  He was solid on Sunday with 8 catches, 45 yards and a score capping off a huge playoff performance (25 catches, 250 yards, 4 TDs) but for the season was even better sitting third in the league in catches (90 with 3 double digit catch games and 10 with more than 5 catches) while leading all TEs in yards and grabbing 8 touchdowns (second only to Gates who had 10 in 10 games and 7 in his first 5 games).

4.  Ben-Jarvis Green-Ellis, Running Back, New England Patriots;

The Raging Hippos are the 2000's-era New York Yankees of fantasy football.  We just don't get it. Every year, we wheel and deal to get the best (read: biggest name) players on our team and every year we end up, despite those big names, disappointed.  Hopefully, some day we'll learn that it's the lesser known guys like "The Law Firm" (yuck!!) who win you titles.  He's the sneaky guy you put in your line-up when your "better" guy has a tough match-up and wins you a game.  It's like the San Fransisco Giants embodied in one fake football player.  On Sunday, his 104 yards, while not spectacular, where a perfect end to a fantasy season where he cracked the top 17 in rushing while tying for second in rushing TDs with 12.  Never spectacular, always useful - The Law Firm. 

5.  Peyton Hillis, Running Back, Cleveland Browns;

We've sung his praises here before but every one's favorite white running back picked a really bad time to (literally) stop running over his opponents. After being pretty much the story of the fantasy season, his production has fallen off a cliff the last two weeks.  After a weak but not terrible 83 total yard performance in Week 15, Hillis delivered a Thurman Thomas-like Super Bowl with 12 carries for 35 yards, 1 catch for 5 and ZERO touchdowns.  That's what you get for trusting the Albino Rhino.

6.  Dwayne Bowe, Wide Receiver, Kansas City Chiefs;

If Hillis was Thurman Thomas then Bowe was Timmy Smith in Super Bowl XXII.  Sure, he'd had a great season, but after 3 combined catches in the last 3 weeks, we started to wonder whether magic was gone.  Apparently not.  Bowe came up huge with 6 catches, 153 yards and a touchdown - a performance that won a ton of titles for his patient and loyal owners (and left the impatient ones to burn him in effigy)

7.  New Passing Game, Denver Broncos;

So what do we make of Mr. Timothy Tebow?  Well, we can't help but be impressed that it only took him two NFL starts to crack the 300 yard mark despite a pre-draft billing that made it seem like he could only throw underhand.  Sure we'd expect defenses to catch-up with him a bit and he probably won't ever be a star like he was at UF but if he can develop into a solid passer, the additional sneaky value that comes with his running ability makes him a potential back-up for next season.  Think, Michael Vick except his off-field isse is spelled backwards. 

Tebow's solid start brought about the return of Brandon Lloyd who, after a 15 catch, 111 yard game now LEADS THE NFL IN RECEIVING YARDS.  Yeah, that statement is 100% true.  Deal with it if you can.  Can't wait to see him over drafted next season.

Stupid Commenter Beatdown - "Wait, Wait, Don't Ask, Don't Tell Me"

Controversy Alert!!

Attention Enemies of the United States of America:
Beware of this man, on a unicorn, with a rifle ...
SHOOTING RAINBOWS!!.

We here at the Project support the gays.  We support them in everything they want to do, marriage, kid adoption, helping straight people dress and decorate better.  All that good stuff.  Not everybody does, but that's their problem, we're not here to change hearts and minds, just make fun of the dumb ones.  Still, we find ourselves amazed that we even have to write about "Don't Ask, Don't Tell", apparently its status as being patently ridiculous wasn't enough ridicule.  Read on ...

In an act of stunning contempt for voters, members of the lame duck Congress last week threw out the military’s ban on openly gay soldiers.


How dare they take a step to remove one small hurdle to equality in such a completely legal and constitutionally allowable manner.  How contemptuous!!  What's next, will they extend tax cuts or ratify a nuclear arms treaty?

Poking their collective thumb in the eye of an electorate which last month decisively turned many of them out of office, the Congress voted to repeal “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” a longstanding compromise on homosexuals serving in the military.

Apparently, the bill was sponsored by Congressmen M. Howard, L. Fine and C. Howard.  Are we really calling this thing a compromise?  Don't both parties have to give something up for it to qualify?  So, in exchange for being able to join our exclusive club that will allow you to die and kill for your country, all you have to do is give up your identity.  Oh, and if you slip up or somebody decides they don't like you and blows your cover, we get to kick you out and and end your career.
 
The action of this lame duck House is like punching the boss between the time you get fired and when you clean out your desk. It is like spilling your drink on your fiancé just after she dumps you a week before the wedding.

Except that it's not.  Also, are we the only ones confused by when exactly the drink is getting spilled on the fiance in that scenario?  We need a Venn Diagram to figure it out. 

The Senate voted 65 to 31 to repeal DADT, which permitted homosexual soldiers to serve as long as they did not advertise their sexual practices.

Does that mean they can post about it on The Facebook to their 35 friends?  That's how we advertise!!

Many opponents of overturning DADT have predicted that recruitment and re-enlistments will suffer ... said Sen. John McCain ... “But don’t think there won’t be a great cost.”

So, we'll be taking away guns and hero status from people who are so goddamn uncomfortable with gays that they'd completely abandon their position and just go home?  Very costly. 

As everyone knows (everyone, that is, except perhaps this Congress), voters dealt a decisive rebuke to House Democrats a few short weeks ago ... There is no doubt that much of the anger directed at the Democrats was the result of irresponsible fiscal policies that have produced an enormous budget deficit. In that sense, this was an election about economics.

And that's relevant, how?

But Republicans, and conservatives, are more than just economic creatures. Most are also conservatives on social policy, from abortion to gay rights. Although many voters chose Republicans for economic reasons, a substantial number voted Republican because they also favor conservative social policies.

Oh, we see, it's relevant so you can make a Favrian-Ego sized leap to this bullshit argument.  Gotcha.  So, the anti-incumbent, anti-whatever sentiment, admittedly fueled by the economic downturn, that lead to a bunch of Democrats losing their jobs means that its some referendum of gay rights?  What about the representatives elected two years ago on a platform, which was in part based on repealing DADT? 

DADT doesn’t bar gays from serving in the military, even though homosexual conduct remains against military regulations. As a concession, the conduct is overlooked, just so long as that conduct is not paraded in front of everyone.

Oh well, when you put it that way.

DADT merely asks that the military not adopt the radical gay rights agenda, one in which “openly” gay soldiers can force everyone to accept their lifestyle. But as a result of the chutzpah of this lame duck Congress, that radical agenda is about to become official military policy.

Other items feared by this guy to be on the "Radical Gay Agenda":

1. Electing Lady Gaga as president, with "Ross The Intern" as her running mate;
2. Having cast of Glee record the country's official version of the National Anthem;
3. Declaring January 13th "Charles Nelson Reilly Day."

Seriously though, why does everyone think that every Paul Lynde and Ellen DeGeneres out there is going to run to join the army now?  They're not and it has nothing to do with being gay.  Military life sucks.  Get yelled at, eat shitty food, leave my family all for the right to go to the desert and get shot at?  Fabulous!!

Even apart from combat, for example, permitting gay soldiers to advertise their sexuality will disrupt unit cohesion. Just as women resist showering with men because of possible sexual overtones, heterosexual soldiers will find their privacy suddenly violated.

If you're comfortable having your dinkus out in front of a bunch of dudes, does it matter if one of them is openly gay?  What exactly does that change?

Those members of the House and Senate who voted to overturn DADT did so after a steady drumbeat of left-wing propaganda. The media repeated the liberal assertion that allowing gays to serve openly was similar to integrating African-Americans into the military – a comparison that offends many blacks.

Ohh fuck you.  What does that even mean?  We're not trying to tell anyone how anyone should feel about being discriminated against but how African Americans feels about it is really irrelevant.  It's just injecting race into the equation because it's something people are completely afraid to talk about.  Either way, maybe it's the same, maybe it's not, but when exactly did discrimination become a competition?  (If so, we have no idea who's winning but white people are certainly in last.)

Those who sought to overturn DADT also repeated that kicking openly gay soldiers out of the military would end the careers of untold numbers of dedicated soldiers ... The facts are somewhat different. According to the Department of Defense, 5,627 military personnel were discharged in 2008 for drug offences. The number discharged that year for being overweight was 4,555. Those discharged for getting pregnant numbered 2,353.  And how many were discharged after they were “outed” for being gay? 634.

Ok, just so we're clear, something like 15,000 people were discharged for offenses which plainly hindered their ability to do their jobs? And we should feel bad for those people but not the 634 people who were outed?

Those supporting the repeal of DADT have also made much of surveys purporting to show support for overturning the ban – or at least, the tacit acceptance of ordinary soldiers for openly gay service members in their ranks ... But among Marines actively serving in combat ... the proportion of those who saw a negative effect skyrocketed to 57.5 percent – a margin of nearly seven to one.

This is our biggest problem with the arguments against the repeal.  Since when do cater to the lowest common denominator?  Just because the majority of people feel one way doesn't mean that's how it should be.  It's that kind of thinking that puts Bristol Palin in the finals of "Dancing With the Stars."  Majority rule is shit.

Those soldiers develop a genuine brotherhood toward each another – a bond that has nothing sexual in it. In fact, the only reason they can develop this strong bond is that there is no possibility that any part of the bond can ever turn sexual. (That is one reason why female soldiers are barred from combat.)

As we're about to find out, this dude is quite concerned with the non-sexual bonds between soldiers.

That bond helps keep these soldiers alive. Bound together in this non-sexual brotherhood, soldiers willingly fight, and die, for each other.

So, is the bond sexual or non-sexual?

Unfortunately, allowing openly gay soldiers to serve in combat would erode this non-sexual brotherhood by bringing in the possibility that the bond can, in some cases, turn sexual. Then, the bond so essential to fighting and surviving in combat will be destroyed.

WE GET IT!!! It's non-sexual.  We'll say this once and for all.  Attention dumb straight people: NOT ALL GAY MEN ARE TRYING TO FUCK YOU!!  First, of all, you're probably unattractive.  If no women want to have sex with you, what makes you think every gay guy wants to jump your bones? Secondly, you aren't gay and we're quite sure you let everyone know.  Nobody is going to try to change your sexual preference, life isn't a Kevin Smith movie.

Finally, so what if the bond turned sexual?  We have friends we'd fight for but, The Mrs, we'd give it all, we'd sacrifice.  Don't tell us that's not worth dying for.  We wouldn't be able to help it, there's nothing we'd want more.  We'd fight, we'd lie, walk the wire, die, all that stuff.  Basically, everything we'd do, we'd do it for her. 

As you can imagine, the comments are plenty stupid and ridiculous.  Unfortunately for anyone who stubbornly maintains faith in newspapers, most of them mirror what we saw in the actual article.  Still, we found a few good ones to share with our faithful readers.

FairfieldFox
It may be time for Christian families to re-examine sending their sons to our war machine on moral grounds. First, morally, it isn't safe for the kids in the environment that's just been created and, secondly, our wars aren't "just". Our "elites" don't send their kids, but embroil OUR families in wars that are unjust and last for decades, now ... If they don't get Christian soldiers to fight their immoral wars, who will?

First, how does letting gays be gay change the "justness" of any of our wars?  Secondly, you want to know who's going to fight the wars?  The same people who always do, poor people who who get suckered by a free college education. 

estowisdom
the "big deal" here is that the gays will not just passively serve. They will shove it in our face every opportunity they get . They will hurt morale and cause dissension, because that is what they do, when they don't get their pansy little way. The term ' "Rear Admiral" will have an entirely new meaning.

... if you know what he means!!! 

slolane

In 1778 General Washington had Lt. G. F. Enslin drummed out of the Continental Army after being convicted of homosexual sodomy, for "abhorrence and detestation of such infamous crimes."  Washington was a great man and a great general

Always good to get your social lessons from things that way or may not have happed 250 years ago. 

usnya03

Gays who have served “honorably” in the service, knowing full well that practicing homosexuality was against military regulations have not been honorable. As to adhering to a Code of Conduct, I see little distinction between breaking that regulation and, let’s say, smoking pot on your own time, or any other of many acts against military regulations. Just because you don’t agree with the military regulation, or feel that it is unjust, or even discriminatory, doesn’t allow you to just break it. In doing so, you are considered to be behaving in a less than honorable manner. That is why, prior to this latest congressional action, any homosexual who joined the military, knowing full well what the military regulations stated, and engaged in secret or overt homosexual practice, cannot be described as serving honorably. So, please don’t describe practicing gay servicemen as serving honorably, because they have not.

You don't see the distinction between making the conscious decision to smoke pot in violation of military code and just being gay?  Wow, you're a fucking asshole. 

luvsewe

Females do not share showers with males, nor do they sleep together in shelter halves. Nor do they check each other thoroughly in the field for chiggers, leeches, and other nasties found in swamps and jungles. Sorry to be blunt, but that means bending over and spreading your cheeks so your buddy can make sure you don't have any harmful bugs, mites, etcetera in your nether regions where you can't check for yourself. I realize this is not common practice among every branch or MOS, but as I said, I'm just going by my experience.

Do you think this guy knows there are people he can talk to about these types of things and show them where the bad men touched him?

Finally, let's take a look a 6 (!!) comments by one single person with nothing going on in their life -melmcdowell.  Keep in mind, these aren't even all of his comments, just the better ones.

melmcdowell

I question the moral character of anyone who endorses sodomy.

We question the sanity of anyone who goes on the Internet and writes that.

melmcdowell
The greatest military force on the planet has just been sodomized ... Once the Homonazis are in control of the military you can be sure they will attempt to enforce their orthodoxy my any means available.

If the "Homonazis"  (ohh, scary word!!) take over will they at least get rid of that ugly camo look we keep trotting out there?

melmcdowell
I think you are making my case. This controversy is not so much about the right of homosexuals to commit their perversion as it is to shut up those who believe what they do is a perversion, to give sodomy a seal of approval, and to denigrate traditional Judeo-Christian values, i.e its homofacism.

Wouldn't it just be regular fascism?  Of is that "Heterofascism"?  Do we really need the "homo" added on?  Does it matter that "homo" doesn't actually mean gay when used that way?  Why can't we think of a fifth question?  

melmcdowell
Compared to normal heterosexual males and females, male homosexuals are tremendously promiscuous. See http://www.frc.org/get.cfm?i=IS04C02. If you don't think this increases the risk of disrupting military readiness, you are fooling yourself.

If you think your stats are at all based on fact, we have some business opportunities to discuss with you. 

melmcdowell
I guess we will have to differ. I think you compromise your integrity when you put your penis up some guy's anus.

Not sure that's really a matter of integrity but we'll just have to agree to disagree.

melmcdowell

Now that fairy dust has been sprinkled on the military, I guess they will be expected to win their battles mounted on unicorns and firing rainbows from their rifles?

We would think that flying on fictional horned steeds would give our military a pretty significant tactical advantage on the battlefield.  If we saw that and were getting shot at by rainbows we'd be pretty damn freaked out. 

So, if you know someone by the name of Mel McDowell, please do us all a favor and give him an open hand slap to the ear like he's John Stossel.  
 

Things We Hate - Do They Know It's Christmas - The Worst Christmas Song of All Time

It's Christmas time, the most wonderful time of the year.  Seriously, we're not even being sarcastic right now.  We REALLY do love Christmas.  It's the one time of the year where we put aside all or cynicism and just enjoy life without hating anyone or anything.  Well ... mostly, at least. 

One of the things we love most is Christmas music.  Sure, if you think about it rationally, its mostly corny, sappy and generally uninteresting crap but that doesn't stop us from putting on whatever station is playing 100% Christmas music bust out a few line of "Holly Jolly Christmas" from Black Friday until New Years(that Burl Ives just stirs something deeply emotional in us.  It's all about FEELINGS).  While most people think it's all about toys and Santa and other kids stuff, the genre really does tackle some adult issues.  Don't believe us?  Well we put together an incredibly thorough and well-researched list to prove our point.  Check out some of the serious themes we uncovered:

1.  Date Rape: "Baby It's Cold Outside".  This song is essentially a lyrical date rape.  Sure, it's got a cute little byplay between a a guy and girl that sounds innocent but it could just as easily be the opening scene of a very special Lifetime movie starring Melissa Joan Hart.

Female:  I really should go ...
Male:  But baby it's cold outside ...
Female: "Say, what's in this drink ...
Male: Don't worry, you won't remember a thing ...
Female:  I've got to say no, no, no....
Male:  But baby my balls are blue.....
Female:  I really should go
Male:  You're not going anywhere ...

2.  Organized Crime: "We Wish You a Merry Christmas". Again, sounds innocent but it's really about scourge of organized crime and its effect on holiday traditions.  Those "carolers"are clearly wiseguys, pretending to be friendly but demanding their "figgy pudding" (code for annual protection payments).  And they want that shit RIGHT NOW(it's already late and they don't want no more excuses).   

3.  Adultery: "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus".  The Jackson 5 did a nice rendition of this one, though we doubt Joe would have "laughed" if he saw Mrs. Jackson kicking it with a fat, bearded dude.  Please don't tell your dad, Michael.  You love your mommy don't you?

4.  Murder: "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer."  We can all agree that Grandpa killed the old bag, right?

5.  The Effects of Alcohol:  Anything by Dean Martin.  Particularly "Marshmallow World." We're not even talking about the lyrical content, just his singing.  No way old Dino isn't on his 15th scotch of the day on that track.

6.  Child Abuse:"The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)".  Alvin better get his act together or he's going to have that hula hoop wrapped around his little fury neck.  Little known fact, DYFUS was called into the Seville house three weeks after this song was released.  They claimed jurisdiction was better suited for the ASPCA and did nothing.  Two years later, Simon and Theodore were found buried out back with several other "pets".  Alvin has still not been located though he is presumed dead.

7. Segregation: "White Christmas".  You didn't think that was about snow did you?

Ok, so maybe we got that last one wrong (it's about cocaine).  But you get the point - Christmas music has all the drama of CSI with only half the terrible overacting. 

So continuing with the theme of tackling real issues in holiday music, we come to the classic "Do They Know It's Christmas" by Band Aid, the Worst Christmas Song of All Time (that in no way implies we don't sing the shit out if it when it comes on). 

For a little background, the song was written and recorded in 1984 to try to raise money for famine relief in Africa (while it was technically for Ethiopia, it always seemed like they were singing to the whole continent to us.)  And it worked, it was the highest selling single of all time in the UK when it came out.  Of course, it's also stunningly ignorant, even for something put together in the 80's by a bunch of coked-out British musicians, with probably the most simplistic view of a foreign country since "Outsourced."

It's no wonder how it was so popular though. Sure they had big stars with made up names like Bono, Sting and Boy George and people like the great Phil Collins, George Michael and Duran Duran but the real power comes from the inclusion of  music royalty as Spandau Ballet (it's true!!), Big Country and The Boomtown Rats as well as Kool and the Gang and Jody Whatley (see if you can spot them in the video.  Hint:  They're the only Americans)  There was no sign of Dan Akroyd, however.

On a side note, the best Christmas song ever is easily "Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy" by David Bowie and Bing Crosby (over Crosby's "White Christmas" and The Transiberian Orchestra's "Christmas Eve (Sarajevo 12/24)").  The best part, of course, is the awkward conversation between Bowie and Crosby.  Bowie shows up and pretends not to know who Bing Crosby is ("Are you the new butler?  You're not the poor relation from America?  You're the one who sings, right?  Even after Bing introduces himself Bowie pretends not to know who it is and has the balls to say he sings "White Christmas."  Bing should have treated him like he did his kids.  "I'm Bing Fucking Crosby you limey prick.") and then they just happen to be able to flawlessly sing a song that is comprised of two separate sets of lyrics to be sung in harmony.  It really is a pretty thing.

(Editor's Note:  We wrote this before Will Farrell and John C. Reilly did this.)

Back to Band Aid.  We really encourage you to check out the awesome video.  It starts out with an epic slow motion montage and even features video or a future juvenile offender of some sort when somebody actually brought their kid to the studio. 

The song starts with some ringing bells (the clanging chimes of doom, perhaps?) and then the fun begins.  For the sake of argument, we'll even ignore the fact that they're talking to a continent that is at least half Muslim so a major part of their audience doesn't give two shits if its Christmas or not (kind of like us writing this blog post) and just focus on the other stuff. 

It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid
At Christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade

Sung by the immortal Paul Young (Who?  Exactly.) this is as nice a sentiment as you'll find to start any Christmas song.  (Apparently the intro was written for David Bowie but he couldn't make it.  Somehow Paul Young was available.  Pretty big tumble from Ziggy Stardust to the guy from Kat Kool and The Kool Kats.)

And in our world of plenty, we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world, at Christmas time

To this point we're still in the tracks as Boy George (who apparently hated George Michael and thought he was campy) makes his first appearance.  Don't be fooled though, we're simply on the initial climb of a roller coaster of ignorance.  Think of it as "The Great English Dumb Machine." (if you listen carefully, you can hear the click, click, click of the track as we ascend).

But say a prayer
Pray for the other ones

Did George Michael really just call people from Africa the "other ones"?  Guess "those people" didn't rhyme.  And here we go, we've reached the top and this thing is about to come crashing down.

At Christmas time it's hard, but when you're having fun

(Puts hands up) Weeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There's a world outside your window, and it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring there, are the clanging chimes of doom

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's Christmas ..... by SLAYER!!!!! 

That's right Africans, these rich, out of touch assholes really do think that think that your entire life is made up only of dreading and fearing and whatnot.  It must be soo awful not to be able to eat shitty food and be deprived of cultural touchstones like Culture Club and Wham.

We know it was the 80's but it wasn't the 1780's.  There were definitely needy people (and still are) but they make it sound like some post-apocalyptic wasteland.  Forget about the fact that the continent is home to two of the world's biggest rivers, the only water they can imagine in this awful world is tears!!  Luckily for those of use fortunate enough not to live in this hell, the clanging chimes of doom have drown out your crying so we can watch the news. 

WELL, TONIGHT, THANK GOD IT'S THEM INSTEAD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck Yeah!!! This is quite possibly the most sincerely sung (by the always earnest and self-important Bono) yet completely ridiculous line ever recorded.  It is the pinnacle of awfulness.  It's so bad it makes us wonder whether Bono actually read the line or if he just walked in, grabbed the paper and belted it out. (maybe he couldn't read it through those damn sunglasses he wears everywhere). 

Either way, it's our favorite line to sing.  Hey everybody, let's take a moment to be grateful that we're not those poor sad Africans with their rivers of tears and chimes of doom.  How's that for a call to action.  What the hell are these idiots thinking.

And there won't be snow in Africa, this Christmas time

Except for the parts where is snows, of course.  Other places unlikely to see know this Christmas:  The Cayman Islands, Miami, Southern California, Hawaii, Tahiti and Fiji.  Pray for those people too. 

The greatest gift they'll get this year is life

That's right, you don't live in a mansion, you're damn lucky just to be alive. 

Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow

Again with the rivers!!  Take a geography class you morons.  Maybe they'll teach you that just because they don't live within the sphere of influence of New Wave it doesn't mean they subsist on dirt cookies moistened by their tears.

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

Since Christmas is a global behemoth of secular enjoyment, our guess is probably yes, they at least have an inkling that something is going on.  Plus, you wrote this ridiculous song that gets played only at that time of year, so that might also serve as a clue. 

Here's to you
Raise a glass for everyone
Here's to them
Underneath that burning sun

Here's a toast to you, people dying under a burning sun.  Hope you brought your sunscreen.

Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

More importantly, if they live in this hellish place you are describing, do they really even give a shit that it's Christmas? 

Merry Christmas Everybody!!! (To our non-Christmas celebrating friends, enjoy your Chinese food and let us know whether you preferred "True Grit" or "The Fighter").  Thanks for reading.

Real Hoops - Trade Take - Panic in the Magic Kingdom

Phoenix Suns-Orlando Magic Deal: Magic send Vince Carter, Marcin Gortat, Mickael Pietrus, a 2011 first-round pick and cash considerations to the Suns for Hedo Turkoglu, Jason Richardson and Earl Clark;

Magic-Wizards Deal:  Magic send Rashard Lewis to the Wizards for Gilbert Arenas.

And the NBA trade season is officially underway with our first head scratching deal.  As is the case with most NBA trades, this one is about two things: (1) Panic; and (2) Money.  The panic comes on the part of the Orlando Magic.  The money portion that impacts everyone. 

Orlando Magic

Sitting at 15-11, in the midst of a streak in which they lost 7 of 8 games, and looking up in standings at the streaking Miami Heat and the NBA-best Boston Celtics, the Magic figured there was no better time for a panic trade, freaking the hell out and tearing apart a team that made the Eastern Conference Finals Last year (after losing in the NBA Finals two seasons ago).

From a basketball standpoint, the deal has some merit, at least offensively.  The Magic have struggled significantly on offense this year due to their inability to create and make perimeter shots.  The two name players they gave up, Rashard Lewis and Vince Carter have both stunk in that area and are barreling down a 195 degree career decline and since neither of them plays a lick of defense, absent the ability to score consistently, they're relatively useless. Add in Vince's well deserved rep for being a quitter, someone who despite his physical gifts doesn't attack the rim and a guy who's afraid to take big shots, you can see why the Magic would want to move on.  The guys they got, Turkoglu and Arenas, are certainly better offensive players. 

While Arenas is never going to  bet he player he was before the knee injury and the suspension, there is some hope that he could regain some of his form on a new team where he feels wanted (he's been on the outs in Washington and has been eclipsed by John Wall as the franchise).  At the very least, he seems like a guy who can give them 20 ppg consistently.  Hedo, who figured to take over for Lewis at small forward, is, despite playing like a steaming pile of crap the last two years, more versatile due to his ball handling and passing and is a good enough deep shooter to keep teams honest.  Hedo also played the best basketball of his career during his time with the Magic and maybe being prodded constantly by Van Gundy will keep him focused (remember, the Magic made the finals two years ago with Hedo and without Nelson who was injured).  Both Arenas and Hedo have the potential to relieve some of the ball handling pressure on Jameer Nelson and those two, along with Richardson (who is an excellent 3 point shooter) will keep the floor spread for Dwight Howard.  So what's the big problem?

Well, in the process of improving on offense, the Magic further weakened what had been their calling card - Defense.  Because as the age-old adage goes, offense wins championships, right? 

The difference between Vince/Lewis and Gilbert/Hedo defensively is probably a wash but giving up Pietrus, their only permiter defender, and Gortat, their backup center, could be crippling.  Without Pietrus, the Magic defense is essentially Dwight Howard and the Matadors.  If you make this move, you make it for one reason, to beat the Heat and the Celts.  In games against those teams, who are these guys going to guard? 

Their crunch-time line-up with be some combination of Arenas, Nelson, Richardson, Hedo, Brandon Bass with Howard.  If you play Nelson and Arenas together the back court, they'll be too small and guys like Wade and Allen will destroy them.  Richardson has better size but he's no standout defender, either.  Think that's bad?  Imagine Hedo trying to deal with LeBron or Pierce.  We shudder at the thought.  Add in the undersized Brandon Bass matched up with Bosh and KG (or a small lineup with Hedo at the 4, Yikes!!) and that's a ton of pressure on Howard.  And since his back-up is gone, if Howard gets himself in foul trouble they'll be totally screwed.

The second big issue is chemistry - the unspoken key to winning in basketball.  It's not widely publicized but Jameer Nelson, in addition to being the starting point guard, is the leader of the team.  He's the guy who organizes off season training and all that other dumb crap that bad teams ignore and good teams do.  Now, you add in Arenas, a mercurial guy to say the least, who happens to play the same position and needs the ball in his hands.  Seems to us like a situation in which both guys are going to have their egos bruised on a routine basis.  Add in the fact that when Hedo was their before, their best plays involved him with the ball in crunch time, we're not sure how they're going to have enough touches to go around while still remembering they have the best, most physically dominating big in the game.  It's a recipe for disaster.

There's also the money they had to take on.  The Magic got rid of Vince's semi-expiring contract (he has a $4m buyout after the season) and Lewis absurd deal and took back Arenas who's signed for about $80m more over the next 4 years (about $24m more than is owed to Rashard Lewis) and Hedo's $40m owed.  Now they have something like $80m already committed for 2013 in what will be mostly 30+ players.  That's a ton of money to be paying an aging, no defense team.  Dwight is going to look good in  a Knick or Laker uniform, isn't he?

Oh, one final point, this essentially takes them out of any chance they might have had at snagging Carmelo, the perfect compliment to a team lead by Dwight Howard.  Too bad.
Phoenix and Washington Perspectives

Phoenix and Washington were basically the lucky opportunist beneficiaries of Orlando's decision to panic and recreate its lost magic (pun recognized).

Washington's main benefit is getting rid of the extra years of Arenas' contract (they would have given him away for a jar of olives).  From an on court perspective the move has no impact for Washington.  They stunk before the trade and they'll stink afterwards and Lewis becomes just another member of their stable of soft big guys.  Maybe it allow Wall to take more a leadership role with Arenas out of the way so we suppose that could be a tangential benefit.
For Phoenix, not only do they shed Hedo's bad contract (again, a jar of olives would have been sufficient) but they get a 1st rounder and a serviceable player.  No, we're not talking about Vince though he will probably score for them when paired with Nash (he may miss a month with knee surgery) but he'll be gone next year.  The real piece is Gortat, a 6-11 center, with good mobility who has been viewed as starter material for the last few years.  He'll improve their rebounding and might be an interesting pick and roll partner for Nash as the Suns essentially admit they whiffed on letting Amare go.  Pietrus, as we mentioned before, is a good defender and can hit the outside shot.  It won't change their season outlook (they're a borderline playoff team at best either way) but they got a starting center while shedding salary, a tough trick in today's NBA.

100th Post Fireworks Spectacular

Editor Note: There is nothing spectacular about this post.

It's a milestone day here at the Persnickety Project, out 100th Post.  How arbitrary!! 

In fact, it's such a big deal that the "Happiest Place on Earth" put together a fireworks spectacular in our honor.

What does it mean to this milestone mean to us?  Well, it means that on 100 separate occasions, we deluded ourselves into thinking that we had something to say that other people might want to hear; that the absurdities routinely running through our heads actually warranted being written down and shared.  We think that's pretty amazing.

Thanks for reading everybody.  Hope to see you back here for the next meaningless numbered post.

Real Football - Random Reactions from 2010 Giants-Eagles – Part 2 – Meadowlands Meltdown

So, yeah, um about yesterday.  That was crazy, huh?  Being big Giants’ fans we pretty much have to write something.  We could have done it yesterday but it probably would have devolved into something containing about 4,000 more F-bombs then that Cee-Lo song without the benefit of complete sentences.  After a night to process, we’re still not sure exactly how this is going to go but we’ll give it a try. 

Warning:  May Contain Profanity Laced Rants.

1.       The Eagles Are Better …

For 52 minutes yesterday it didn’t look that way, but any team that can rip off 28 unanswered points in less than 8 minutes to sweep a season series is better.  It’s a painful admission but its true.  They withstood what was essentially a perfect 3 ½ quarter game game by the Giants, didn’t give up, and won the game.  The Giants didn’t just give it away, the Eagles took it.  And they did it on the road

2.       But It’s Not Because of Talent.

The biggest problem with the Giants isn’t lack of talent.  We’d argue from a pure talent standpoint they’re better than the Eagles.  From top to bottom they’re probably in the 1^st tier in terms of pure ability.  They have excellent offensive and defensive lines, good receivers, a good secondary, average linebackers and a Super Bowl MVP QB.  How many teams can beat that?  The Pats, Chargers, Falcons?  Not many.  Their fatal flaw is that they consistently make crippling mistakes at the worst possible times.  Worse yet, it’s never the same guy who makes the mistake so you can’t cut him or bench him to remedy the problem.  One week it’s a bad pick by Eli, another it’s a fumble by Bradshaw, the next it’s a missed tackle and a bad angle by Boley.  Nothing could be more frustrating.  This year’s Giant team reminds us a lot of the old Kerry Collins teams which is a scary thought for anyone who remembers those years.  More talented but the same tendencies.  This isn’t the team that won the Super Bowl, they’ve got talent but there is just something missing (Strahan’s leadership?).  Champions don’t lose games like this.  Still, they have both the talent and time to turn it around.  This could be the defining game for this group of players if they let it.  Everything is on the line in Green Bay next week.  Great.

3.       This is not the worst loss in franchise history, or even the history that we’ve seen.

The principle of proximity (we may or may not have made that up and if not we’re certainly using it wrong) makes it tempting to conclude that this is the worst loss ever because it happened yesterday and the pain is so fresh.  We don’t remember Herm Edwards returning Joe Pisarcik’s fumble of an unnecessary hand off when a knee would have sufficed so we can’t really measure that one.  But, what we do remember is the abomination that was the Giants blowing a 24 point lead to the Jeff Garcia, TO and the San Francisco 49ers in the 2003 Wildcard Playoffs.  That was worse for a bunch of reasons.  First, it was the playoffs.  There was no chance at redemption.  The Giants had the thing in hand and were ready to move on to play Tampa Bay and there was a feeling that the team, coming off 4 wins to get into the playoffs, might be able to make a run and then it was all over.  At least this team has a chance to get things back together.  Secondly, for us at least, the 2003 loss was more of a slow painful death that was totally the Giants’ fault.  As soon as Shockey dropped the easy touchdown in the 3^rd quarter of that game, we were overcome by a feeling of impending doom as the Giants’ made mistake after mistake and gave it away.  Yesterday, we still didn’t think they’d actually lose  until the second Jackson crossed the goal line.  While the Giants certainly made their fair share of mistakes, it seemed more like the Eagles just took the game away, they were perfect for 8 minutes while the Giants didn’t make a single play.  They had Vick, and ultimately DeSean Jackson, the Giants had nothing.  The final reason 2003 was worse.  It ended like this.  That shit is just embarrassing (go to 9:00 mark.)

4.       Here’s what it felt like to watch the game yesterday.

Before Kickoff, we were filled with nervous anticipation.  Sure they lost in Philly but they played well and if they could just tackle and keep Vick reasonably under control and not turn the ball over, they’d have a shot.  It was the most excited we’ve been for a game in a long time but still secretly very worried they’d get blown out.

FIRST QUARTER

TD 03:36 Mario Manningham 35 Yd Pass From Eli Manning, 7-0 Giants. 

Holy crap, they scored first.  At least they won’t get shut-out.  Feeling good.  

SECOND QUARTER

FG 13:02 David Akers 34 Yd, 7-3 Giants.

Held them to a field goal inside the red zone.  Good sign for the Giants.  Confidence growing.

TD 08:17 Mario Manningham 33 Yd Pass From Eli Manning, 14-3 Giants.

Holy Crap!!

FG 00:48 Lawrence Tynes 25 Yd, 17-3 Giants.

A little insurance.

TD 00:05 Hakeem Nicks 8 Yd Pass From Eli Manning, 24-3 Giants.

Off a bad Eagles fumble, the Giants get a cheap touchdown going into the half.  Up 21, we’re dreaming of an NFC East Title and an home playoff game.

THIRD QUARTER

TD 03:56 Jeremy Maclin 8 Yd Pass From Michael Vick, 24-10 Giants.

Giants turn the ball over with a bad Mannignham fumble.  Ok, ok.  No big deal.  Not too worried, just need to answer back with a score.

FOURTH QUARTER

TD 08:17 Kevin Boss 8 Yd Pass From Eli Manning, 31-10 Giants.

Eagles fumble that probably wasn’t a fumble by Jackson.  No challenge by Reid.  And there it is!! Game over!! (we actually said that out loud.  Feel free to kill us, please).  If Chicago loses a game and the Giants win out, they’re the #2 seed.  Maybe Atlanta gets knocked off.  NFC Championship game in Jersey, here we come. 

TD 07:28 Brent Celek 65 Yd Pass From Michael Vick, 31-17 Giants.

Oh isn’t that cute.  They Eagles are still trying.  The final score won’t tell the true story of how dominant Big Blue was.

TD 05:28 Michael Vick 4 Yd Run, 31-24 Giants.  

Wait fuck.  Eagles get the ball back off an onside kick.  Where was the hands team?  Are the coaches the only ones who don’t realize the Eagles aren’t rolling over?  They really are going to make this thing close.  Even if they score, all the Giants need to do is get the back back and run some clock out and it’s over.  No need to panic.  Time for the 4 minute offense.

So what happens, 2 first downs, then they throw on 3^rd, incomplete. Unbelievable. Clock stops and they have to put the ball back to the Eagles with 3 minutes left.  The defense will get a stop here, then we exhale and everyone goes home feeling great.

TD 01:16 Jeremy Maclin 13 Yd Pass From Michael Vick, Game tied 31-31.

Is this really happening?  Seriously.  That’s ok, Giants get the ball back with 1:16 left, 3 time outs.  Plenty of time to get into field goal range.  Not so much.  Incomplete.  Incomplete.  Sack.  And then THE punt.  Matt Dodge.  Fuckin Matt Dodge.  If you don’t know he’s the worst punter in the league.  By far.  He’s just not good at punting a football (seems like that should be a prerequisite to his job) and is the only guy who’s fans are genuinely concerned he might actively cost them a game.  So at this point, we’re sufficiently nervous given his aforementioned inability to kick and his season long problem with catching the snap.  Still, no way he kicks it to Jackson, he’ll just boot it out of bounds, they’ll play defense for one hail mary and its goes to overtime. Win the toss, you have a shot.

TD 00:00 DeSean Jackson 65 Yd Punt Return (David Akers Kick)  Eagles win 38-31.

Oh, god, no.  Fuck, Fuck Fuck.  Gjioqerhjioheio[hqio[ghoiqerfjiorgjo[rijre[iojgqo[igjioqjg[igjioerjg iqo iojqer ioj oiqj io[gj rqeiorj [goij qioqj ioj[ qioj [gjio qio[ j[goij q[ogi oq[j g[qio gjio qjio[ gjio jgio[q ejgio[j qio[ jgio[q jioj [qi jio[q j[io jeio[ jo[i qj[iojiojiojiog[ jqo[ iqgio io qrjio[gjqrio[e jrio[ jio[rjgioqueriouioqtu io[qjrioebtuo[qtub[qetmv[.  FUCK!!!!!

5.       There’s No One Person to Blame …

When a team falls apart as abruptly as the Giants did yesterday it’s a complete team effort.  You can point to 100 things that went wrong – the defense stopped keeping containment on Vick, they offense went 3 and out when they needed to run time off the clock, Coughlin didn’t put the hands team in on the onside kick (Andy Reid said if he had they would have kicked it deep), Manningham fumbled, Phillips missed the tackle on Celek’s TD, and, of course, the punter couldn’t kick the ball out of bounds.  They are all to blame.   Still, today, the man we hate even more than the rest is Matt Dodge.  He needs to be cut immediately

6.       Fuck DeSean Jackson.

We hate, hate, hate, HATE DeSean Jackson.  We’ve said it before and we’ll say it ever goddamn time his name comes up - he’s a cocky punk.  It permeates everything he does, the way he runs, the way he walks on the field, his interview after the game (“I’m just so awesome, I don’t know what to say, Pam!”).  EVERYTHING.  He just struts though life like his proverbial shit doesn’t stink.  Sure, he’s a really good player but it would be in his best interests to remember he weights like 125 lbs and guys like that who talk shit generally don’t last that long.  Sure, he’s fast but at some point some cranky linebacker or safety is going to get a hold of him and shut him up.  We freely admit we’d name our kid DeSean (or at least have that as his middle name) is he wore a Giants uniform.  But, still, fuck him.  

7.       The Worst Part is Showing Your Face The Next Day.

As an out of the closet sports fan, people know who you root for.  You might wear the hat, you might talk about the game with someone, whatever you do, you make it known.  After a loss like this, you don’t want to show your face on Monday morning.  You don’t want to wear the hat, you don’t want to talk about the game but everyone knows and, of course, THEY want to talk about it.  It’s like clogging the toilet and having it aired on national prime time television.  It’s embarrassing.    

Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 14

As we’ve mentioned before, we’re doing contract attorney work right now.  Basically, we review documents and, if we’re really lucky, we get to redact pronouns.  In non-legal terms, this type of thing is generally called "Living The Dream."

Part of the deal with being a contract attorney is you get paid hourly.  For like 99% of the world this isn't a big deal at all, but as a former firm attorney we're used to being a salaried employee and enjoying the highfalutin lifestyle that comes with it.  You know, the ability to just go out and splurge on such luxuries as lunch at a place that doesn't advertise by making people run, going to he movies and the like.  Plus, apparently if you fail to show up for work, you don't get paid.  Want to take a day off?  No pay.  Are you sick?  No pay.  Stuck in traffic for 3 hours getting to work this morning?  That's going to be reflected in your time sheet.  It's a big adjustment becoming a totally expendable, highly temporary hourly employee.  Yes, we were completely spoiled.  We admit it, you can spare us the thinking about but not sending hate emails.

So, this past week, we guess in the spirit of the holidays, the permanent folk of our office decided to hold a bake sale with all the money going to help the Special Olympics.  They had pumpkin pie, muffins, cookies, cupcakes all that nice stuff with prices ranging from $.50 to $1.

We love baked goods.  So that's a great thing, right?  No. Why? Because we've become the cheapest bastard on the planet earth.  One of the other apparent casualties of our new lifestyle was our generosity.  We used to, at least in our mind, be pretty willing to give our money away to charities and all that other crap.  (One time we even whipped out our wallet to give a homeless guy some cash while walking through Penn Station in New York (Not a good idea, we know. Even the homeless guy was like "Son, I think you should keep your wallet in your pocket."  Thanks Dad!)  Yes, we were THAT generous.  Believe it!!)  Now, we couldn't imagine paying a whole dollar for a cupcake, even if it was funfetti!!

We have to save our money for Starbucks hot chocolate, gallons of Vitamin Water (734% of your daily value of vitamin C in each bottle), Clif bars and ridiculously overpriced gas.  You know, important things. It’s like they were just taunting our on a budget, hourly paid ass.  After battling the urge for two days to buy something every time we went to the bathroom, on the third day, once everything started to dry out and everyone else in the office had made their purchases, the baked-gooders gave the remaining leftovers away for free, but welcoming donations. 

So we took a cupcake, of course.  And you'd think we'd have the common decency to at least drop a quarter in the jar or something, right?  Nope.

The moral to the story? We’d rather eat a stale cupcake for free then give money to a charity that helps kids live a dream for a fresh one.  Yeah, we suck and that ruins our f’n day.

Let's move on to football before we make ourselves look even more deplorable. 

1. Aaron Rodgers, Quarterback, Green Bay Packers;

It's fantasy playoff time.  The time when, after a season of fortune and good luck, you really need your big players to, at least, do what they’re supposed to do and, if you're lucky, come up big.  When that doesn't happen, whether by injury or just plain under performance, you want to kick an elderly man in the groin. Unfortunately for many owners who made Rodgers the centerpiece of their team, drafting him as the #1 overall QB maybe, they’re in a groin-kickin’ mood this week after his 46 yard, one pick performance on Sunday before leaving with his second concussion of the season.  After Rodgers struggled through a slightly mediocre (for him) start to the season, he turned it on tremendously over the last 4 games (11 TDs, averaging over 300 yards) and had owners envisioning holding a gold, resin football trophy over their heads while no one doused them with spumante.  Now, with word that he’s highly unlikely to get on the field against the Pats on Sunday, anyone lucky enough to still be playing this week, they'll be looking to their bench or, even worse, the waiver wire for a playoff miracle. 

2. Cedric Benson, Running Back, Cincinnati Bengals;

Sometimes players fail at their first chance to star, then get their heads on straight, find another opportunity and then finally live up to their potential. And sometimes, they’re Cedric Benson.  After being an absolute doozy of a bust with Chicago, Benson went away, supposedly got his head on straight and came back with avengeance last season piling up 1,250 yards and looking every bit the talented back he was supposed to be out of Texas.  He came into this season a solid second 2nd round draft pick and someone people thought, if not spectacular, at least reliable.  Not so.  This year’s projected 850 yards, including an inexcusable 8 carries for 19 yards on Sunday, go a lot further to making the case that last year was the aberration, not his Chicago tenure. Quite simply, with only 2 100 yard games (but 5 games under 50 yards), 9 games without a score, he's a bust.  Again.  Maybe he’s always just kinda stunk, more like Curtis Enis then Fantasy Destroyer Thomas Jones. Nice try though.

3. Ryan Torain, Running Back, Washington Racist Nicknames That Don't Matter Because Nobody Gives Two Shits About the Indians;

Anyone who played a team with Ryan Torian starting, I’ll join you in saying “F Ryan Torain.”  You should have expected it though.  Just about every year a team sneaks into the playoffs on smoke and mirrors and then plugs in some random running back (last year is was Jerome Harrison) who carries them thought the playoffs.  It’s not fair but as we all should admit at this point FANTASY FOOTBALL IS NOT FAIR. This year’s primary candidate looks like it might be Torain.  He had a career high 172 yards on Sunday, including approximately 430 yards in the first half.   Almost more important then Torain carrying some shit team in the playoffs is what could be his push to take over a starting job next year.  Washington’s opening day starter, Clinton Portis, has been both awful and hurt, is getting old and shouldn’t be back next year.  That eaves the door more than slightly ajar for Torain.  Sure, Ol Stroke Face Shanahan isn’t known for his running back loyalty but his is known for excellent production from his run games and Torain’s three 100 yard games in his last 4 starts is making a case to at least get first crack in 2011.

4. Redundantly Redundance, Offense, Buffalo Bills;

After basketball on Sunday, one of our readers, The Nature Boy (woooooo!!!!), apparently confusing our writing on fantasy with some base of knowledge, asked our opinion on who his starting quarterback for his opening round playoff game should be. He’d been playing “quarterback roulette” the last few weeks and had to pick between Buffalo’s own Ryan Fitzpatrick, Matt Hasselbeck (it hurts just to write that name in connection with fantasy) and Alex Smith. We, of course, after harping on the Bills offensive output all year, said, without a doubt Fitzpatrick and under no circumstances Smith.  Luckily for him, he completely ignored our advice, started Alex Smith and got the benefit of his 3 TDs. Apparently he was playing the opposite game with us. We stand by our choice from those 3 pretty assy options, we’d never start a guy who’d just missed 6 weeks and has a history of getting benched and the Bills offense continues to be randomly productive: Fitz threw a TD and Fred Jackson rumbled for 112 yards. (Stevie Johnson remains in his post-god-twitter funk, 5 for 42). You got lucky Nature Boy, now if you would please stop trying to knife edge chop us we'd like to move on.

5. Darren McFadden, Running Back, Oakland Raiders;

We love Run DMC. In fact, we’re willing to say right now that he should be a first round pick next season. Despite missing two games (injuries remain a concern but he’s been better this season), he’s 11th in total rushing yards (900+) and 5th in yards per game (90.3), and 2nd in total yards per game to Arian Foster among non-QBs (on pace for almost 1800 total yards), has a better average per carry then anyone in the Top 10 other then Jamaal Charles and has had only 2 truly bad games (back to back against Pittsburgh and Miami). On Sunday, he was an absolute force with 123 yards rushing, 86 yards receiving and 3 TDs. He’s a stud, get used to it and get him on your team next year if you can. This year is just a prequel (whichever the least shitty one was) - next year is Episode I.

6. Arian Foster, Running Back, Houston Texans;

Like we said earlier, this is the time you need your big guys to step up and nobody has stepped up this season like Arian Foster. We were highly skeptical after his 200 yard performance in Week 1 but he’s done nothing but make us a believer every single week this season. He has six 100 yard games, including 4 since week 8, indicating he’s not fading as the season wears on and defenses catch up with him (or try to at least). On Sunday, he put up yet another 100 yard game and proved he can perform even against the toughest of defenses. With a projected final line of 1600 yards, 66 receptions and 18 total touchdowns, we think we’re looking at a legitimate contender for next year’s #1 overall pick. Sure AD and CJ are great but unless Gary Kubiak is fired and replaced by Mike Leach, he very well could be the guy.

7. Brett Favre, Quarterback, Minnesota Vikings;

He's like a kid out there no longer.  Since Favre hasn’t been fantasy relevant for most of the season, you can consider this one a Lifetime Achievement award for killing both owners and opponents intermittently for 19 straight seasons. On the week in which one of the most overrated streaks of all time ended (how many of those 297 times did Favre put himself and his desire to play over the team’s best interests by playing with an awful injury instead of letting one of his back-ups like Mark Brunell, Matt Hasselbeck or Aaron Rodgers – 3 Pro-Bowlers – play? He’s a tough guy, sure, but can we all move on now?) join us in saying sayonara to one of the most overrated quarterbacks of all time (First ballot HOF for sure, but not an all-time great on the level of Montana, Brady, Unitas, Elway, etc.)  Adios Dongslinger, if nothing else, football will be a lot less interesting without your shenanigans and the media creaming over your every move (did you know he's a tough guy who wears wrangler jeans and plays with a childlike demeanor?  Have you heard that?). Let's end with one more “He’s like a kid out there!!” for old time's sake.  Yeah, that was fitting.

The Persnickety Project's Holiday Gift Guide to Gift Giving - Part Deuce

For Part 1 go here.

The Holiday Season remains upon us so The Persnickety Project is back to help you find the best gifts for all of those people you feel obligated to spend money on.  Today, we going upscale to Neiman Marcus.  These gifts prove that money really is everything and they're perfect when you want to splurge on that mistress, illegitimate child or anyone else whose love you need to buy or you just want to keep quiet when you don't call for three months. 

Juicy Couture Connect Four ($38)


What's good about "Juicy Couture Connect Four"?
Umm.....It Rhymes!!

How exactly does someone make the decision to buy the juicy Couture Connect Four?  Let's find out.

Rich Mom:  Hey honey, I thought of a great gift for the kids this year - Connect Four.

Rich Dad:  No.  When I was a lad, only the poor children - you know the ones with parents that drove American cars - played games like that. 

Rich Mom:  That is a good point, we can't have our children sharing any life experiences with the commoners.  It might ruin our plan to isolate them completely from the real world. 

Rich Dad:  Plus, it resembles checkers, just without the requirement of any skill or strategy.  Our children shall play chess!!

Rich Mom:  But they're too stupid.

Rich Dad:  Good point for you my flower. 

Rich Mom:  What if we bought them the "Juicy Couture" version from Neiman Marcus? 

Rich Dad: So it's a designer board game?  I'm sold.  Isn't that the company that makes the pants with "juicy" on the ass that children who are entirely too young wear?




Rich Mom:  They sure are!! Plus it's ridiculously priced at $40 for a dozen pieces of hard plastic. 

Rich Dad:  Then buy two!!

Annual Popcorn Tin ($48)

At this price you'd expect to find a
real diamond ring in this box of Cracker Jack.
 But you won't. 

That bespectacled freak, Orville Redenbacher can suck your ass if he thinks he can compete with this $50 bucket of stale ass popcorn.  That's right, only $50 (plus tax and unconscionable shipping and handling).  Not even Boy Scouts selling door-to-door can compete with those prices.  Better yet, you'll receive not 1 but 3 flavors of this rare delicacy, popped corn.  You can't find things like this anywhere, like any food store, or pharmacy, or Target or Walmart, or everywhere.  Its that type of innovation that makes Neiman Marcus special.    

Silver Plated Piggy Bank ($47.50)

It's not just a gift,
it's a symbol of excess.

Having trouble instilling in your spawn the importance of saving?  Do you not realize that they have no concept of money because you've bought them ever single thing they've ever asked for?  Well, we have the gift for you, this gorgeous SILVER PLATED PIGGY BANK.  Just think of the mixed messages you'll be sending when you try to explain the concepts of financial responsibility while handing them a piggy bank made of precious metal.  You're little Scrooge McDuck might not appreciate it now, but when they need money for pot in 10 years those sacagawea dollars sure will come in handy!!

Parrot Pillbox ($695)

Squawk!!
I'm watching you abuse those pills!
Whistle, whistle!!

If you need a place to hide your painkillers, you can splurge on this symbol of gaudiness.  It comes complete with dark black eyes that stare judgmentally at you each of the dozen times a day you pick him up to take another percocet to ease the pain of your failure. 
Pumpkin-Color Cards and Envelopes (50 cards for $605)



When regular paper just won't due.

 Thank you notes have never been so pretentious!! For just $605 you can share your deepest gratitude to someone by sending a card guaranteed to cost more than the shitty gift you're thanking them for.   

Crystal Buddha ($600)



Become One With the Nothingness Inside You



Buddhism teaches us that "suffering is caused by craving ... often expressed as a deluded clinging to a certain ... things or phenomena that we consider the cause of happiness or unhappiness ... [and] [s]uffering ends when craving ends."  Satisfy your cravings for all things unnecessary and end your suffering with this $600 crystal buddha.  Guaranteed to make you feel at peace with your life.

Warning:  Feeling of peace is only temporary.