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| "Slow Down! I'm too lazy to pay sufficient attention to my children." |
First of all, besides creepy, what the fuck is this thing supposed to be anyway? An alien (from another planet, not Mexico) crossing guard? Was Kermit enslaved by some sinister group of overprotective parents, cloned and then made to wear a stupid plastic hat and carry a matching flag? What does it put for gender on the self-identification part of a job application, both, neither? Where is its mouth? Why is it wearing a onesie with "Slow!" printed on the ass? There's just so many questions we can't answer. Maybe that's the point, though. Maybe the point is to keep kids away from the because they're scared shitless of the freaky green dude at the end of the driveway. Note to Parents: You're Scaring the Children.
The point of this thing is apparently to warn us someone's precious loin fruits are in the vicinity. It doesn't work that well when all we can think about after seeing one of these goddamn things is how badly we want to plow into it. Note to Parents: It's Hard to See Children in a Blind Rage
Not that it really matters though since most of the time there aren't actually any kids anywhere in sight anyway, just a glowing green advertisement that the person who lives at 422 Assface Lane is too lazy to pick up after themselves. That kinda defeats the purpose, right? The parents are basically just lulling us into a false sense of security, conditioning us to ignore the sign, until one day little Hunter's soccer ball comes rolling out into the street and we're forced to snap out of our work-induced coma in time to slam on the breaks and avoid killing their offspring. Note to Parents - Don't Cry Wolf.
Finally, if the parents can't be bothered to make sure their kids don't stay out of the street, why should we be annoyed by this expressionless oddity. Listen, we don't know their children (we're sure they're nice little people, at least until they grow up then the odds are probably like 50/50 they won't become a douche) but we certainly have no intention of running them down with our SUV. We're responsible adults, we know the speed limit (probably 25, which is like moving backwards) and we pay attention sign or no sign. Plus, do they think Alien Kermit-Clone Crossing Guard is going to make any difference to the irresponsible jagoff who flies down your street in his shitty Scion (it's cool cause it's LOUD!!)? No, its not. They should stop wasting their time and energy buying signs and spend some more time cleaning out the bubble they keep their kids in, it's getting kinda nasty in there. Note to Parents: You're Making Us Hate Your Kids.
The Project made a left turn with this one. What's next - bash the "Baby on Board" signs? Antagonism toward "Tot Finder" stickers? Maybe you should buy an Eli Manning fathead and just jam your hand back in your underwear. Stick with what you know.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, we are sincerely sorry if you were offended. That said, this post, like most of the other crap we write on here, was meant as a joke (if they all worked we probably wouldn't be giving them away on a free blog) and not to be taken seriously. In all seriousness, if you have one of these signs, we don't really hate you or your kids (in fact, we know you love them and want to keep them safe, which is laudable). The perspective of the writer is meant to be someone who is easily annoyed and comes up with ridiculous reasons to hate something so innocent. As for the potential of railing against "baby on board" and "tot finder" signs, that would be about as redundant as buying another Eli Fathead (the one on the ceiling above our bed is sufficient). Finally, if we wrote only about what we knew this would be a relatively uneventful blog filled with empty posts. Finally finally, thanks for the feedback, its appreciated.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely no offense taken - just saw an opportunity to take a shot at you. All in fun.
ReplyDeleteIt was a good shot, had us questioning our taste for a second, good practice.
ReplyDeletedumb post. you must not have kids.
ReplyDeleteI think the post makes it clear that we already knew parents would say “you must not have children.” We also don’t care, and want you to keep your kids off the street and get your sign out of the middle of the road.
DeleteI saw one of these signs once and it sure slowed me down. There is no reason to be going 45 MPH on a residential street.
ReplyDeleteI hate these signs. Studies show they do nothing to protect children. If anything they are a distraction and an annoyance on the road. People know the speed limit, and they shouldn't slow down because of a sign.
ReplyDeleteFacts. I want to run these signs over at 25 mph - because that’s the speed limit in a neighborhood.
ReplyDelete