"Slow Down!
I'm too lazy to pay sufficient attention to my children."
Is there anything more obvious that this thing? (The sign, not the blog, jerk.) If you haven't had the pleasure of coming across one of these during your travels through our the lush suburban jungle, let us introduce you to the "Kid Alert Safety Sign". Our subject of scorn this week. We know everybody loves their kids and they're the most important thing in the world and all that stuff, but are these things really necessary? They're creepy, they don't work and they only serve to make us dislike bot the parents who buy them and their children. Of course, we don't have kids so we probably don't "get it" but, whatever, it still annoys the shit out of us so we have some tips for parents who might pick them up.
First of all, besides creepy, what the fuck is this thing supposed to be anyway? An alien (from another planet, not Mexico) crossing guard? Was Kermit enslaved by some sinister group of overprotective parents, cloned and then made to wear a stupid plastic hat and carry a matching flag? What does it put for gender on the self-identification part of a job application, both, neither? Where is its mouth? Why is it wearing a onesie with "Slow!" printed on the ass? There's just so many questions we can't answer. Maybe that's the point, though. Maybe the point is to keep kids away from the because they're scared shitless of the freaky green dude at the end of the driveway. Note to Parents: You're Scaring the Children.
The point of this thing is apparently to warn us someone's precious loin fruits are in the vicinity. It doesn't work that well when all we can think about after seeing one of these goddamn things is how badly we want to plow into it. Note to Parents: It's Hard to See Children in a Blind Rage
Not that it really matters though since most of the time there aren't actually any kids anywhere in sight anyway, just a glowing green advertisement that the person who lives at 422 Assface Lane is too lazy to pick up after themselves. That kinda defeats the purpose, right? The parents are basically just lulling us into a false sense of security, conditioning us to ignore the sign, until one day little Hunter's soccer ball comes rolling out into the street and we're forced to snap out of our work-induced coma in time to slam on the breaks and avoid killing their offspring. Note to Parents - Don't Cry Wolf.
Finally, if the parents can't be bothered to make sure their kids don't stay out of the street, why should we be annoyed by this expressionless oddity. Listen, we don't know their children (we're sure they're nice little people, at least until they grow up then the odds are probably like 50/50 they won't become a douche) but we certainly have no intention of running them down with our SUV. We're responsible adults, we know the speed limit (probably 25, which is like moving backwards) and we pay attention sign or no sign. Plus, do they think Alien Kermit-Clone Crossing Guard is going to make any difference to the irresponsible jagoff who flies down your street in his shitty Scion (it's cool cause it's LOUD!!)? No, its not. They should stop wasting their time and energy buying signs and spend some more time cleaning out the bubble they keep their kids in, it's getting kinda nasty in there. Note to Parents: You're Making Us Hate Your Kids.
Due to their all-encompassing marketing machine (What if I told you that's its possible to run the same commercial 50 times in an hour?), anyone who watches ESPN on even a semi-regular basis can't help but be aware of their "30 For 30" documentary series (done in celebration of the monolith's 30th anniversary). As much as ESPN-produced fare can be annoying, we can't stress enough just how good these things are. We've seen pretty much every single one and they've all been excellent. We were skeptical at first but the movies are so non-ESPN (apparently the "E" is apparently way more important than the "S"), its not "Who's Next" or some bullshit like that, just excellent storytelling without catchphrases or product placement, i.e. the Coors Light 30 for 30 Pack of Movies. Watch them, you'll be glad you did.
One of our favorites so far was the one called "Once Brothers" which chronicles the rise of the Yugoslavian National Basketball Team in the mid-80's through its peak (winning the FIBA World Championships in 1990, beating both a United States team with collegiate versions of Kenny Anderson, Alonzo Mourning, Christian Laettner and Billy Owens (before he sucked) and a Soviet Union team featuring a bunch of guys you've never heard of, for the gold) and its ultimate downfall as the country (and the team), which was made up of six socially and ethically diverse republics, was torn apart by a civil war that pitted two of its republics, Serbia and Croatia, and the players against each other.
The story is told through the eyes of former Yugoslavian National and NBA star, Vlade Divac (he of the excellent beard) as he retraces his basketball life from the beginning with particular emphasis placed on the strain the war put on Divac's, a Serb, relationships with his Croatian teammates, Toni Kukoc, Dino Raja and, most importantly, Drazen Petrovic. While tensions were running high in their homelands, the tipping point in the relationship between Divac and Petrovic came when, during the celebration of the Unified Yugoslavia's World Championship, Divac grabbed a Croatian flag from a reveler. Divac claimed it was meant only as a support of Yugoslavian pride, and wasn't meant as a slight to Croatia, but Drazen saw things differently, effectively ending their once brotherly relationship. The movie ends with Divac visiting a Petrovic memorial in Croatia (judging by the reaction to him on the streets of Zagreb, he remains disliked) and lamenting the fact that they never had the opportunity to reconcile before Petro's death in 1993 after his girlfriend fell asleep behind the wheel. Pretty powerful stuff, it even warmed our cold, frozen heart a few degrees.
What's really interesting to us, beyond the obvious question of whether a unified Yugoslavian team could have presented a challenge to the Dream Team in Barcelona (probably not, but its worth debating since the Croatian team lead by Petro, Kukoc and Raja but not Divac managed to play the USA the closest, losing by only 32 in gold metal game) were remembrances of Petrovic from both international and NBA players. Being persnickety, we wondered whether the stories were true or unintentional embellishment. Everybody knows dying young is great for your legacy.
Because Drazen died after the 1992-93 season, right before we really started to get into basketball meaning we never really got to watch him play. So while we can't dispute anything based on our first hand knowledge, we can go back and look the stats and accounts to figure out the answers to our 5 questions.
1. Was Petro really a Yugoslavian legend who averaged 40 ppg and often scored more than 60?
According to wikipedia (our source of truth for everything) this one pretty true. In the movie, Divac talks about how Petro was a basketball phenomenon dubbed "Basketball Motzart" (how Eurpoean!) from an early age and someone the younger players looked up to. Petro, who was about 4 years older than Divac, was certainly a phenom. He made the senior team of his club BC Sibenka (like it really matters what the name is) at 15 and by 17 he was the team's star as they finished second in the Yugoslavian championships. (he'd begin his long national team career two years later at age 19.) It seems logical that players like Divac would have heard about and been in awe of his exploits.
Two years later he'd leave for a bigger club, BC Itdoesntmatter, winning multiple domestic competitions as well as the European Cup in his first year. At that point, he could lay claim being one of, if not the best, non-NBA players in the world along with guys like Arvydas Sabonis (no he wasn't always the fat earthbound giant you saw with the Blazers), Oscar Schmidt (check out his scoring numbers in international competitions, yowza!) and some dude nicknamed Nick the Greek we just found (Nikos Galis, born in Jersey, played for the Greek national team). We'd say that qualifies as legendary, like if Lebron had been drafted to the Cavs after his sophomore year in high school, leaving the Cavs for the Heat at 21 and leading the team to the NBA Championship.
As for his scoring exploits, while basketball stats aren't exactly readily available for mid to late-80's eastern bloc countries, they seem pretty legit too. During his 4 year stint with his second club team, BC Itdoesntmatter, he averaged a husky 37.7 ppg in domestic leagues and 33.8 in European competitions with game highs of 112 (holy shit!) and 62 respectively. Not quite 40 ppg but its close enough. Bottom line, the dude could flat out score, but he could pass too, hitting for 45 while dishing out 25 assists in a particular game.
Petro's appeal went beyond mere stats and accomplishments, though. If you watch the video, you'll see a guy who was tough, competitive and a pretty darn excitable (we'd be excited too if we sported that sweet Cro-Fro). We also flair for the dramatic pass (check out the multiple, in the air, through the legs passes, just jaw dropping) and deep deep dagger 3. It's easy to understand why fans would have loved him.
? 2. Was Petro just a victim of the numbers game in Portland?
After moving on to more success with European power Real Madrid, Petro left Europe, fresh off a Player of the Year award, and headed to join the Portland Trailblazers in 1989 (Portland had snagged him with the 60th pick in 1986). Like many foreign players, even those who come over today, Drazen faced a healthy dose of skepticism about whether he could really play on the NBA level despite his accomplishments and had to prove himself. Complicating things was the fact that, even if they have the skill and athleticism, sometimes players used to being the best guy on their team and having the ball in their hands all the time have trouble adjusting when they're asked to play a different role. During his first two years in the league, Petro didn't do much to prove that he belonged. In retrospect its clear he could play, but looking at the circumstances of the time you can see how he might have gotten buried. First, when he got there the Blazers featured one of the better backcourts in the league with Clyde Drexler and Terry Porter, meaning his minutes would be limited in the first place. Additionally, the Blazers were really good, reaching the NBA finals (they lost to the Bad Boy Pistons) and were unlikely to play an unproven player all that much in those spare minutes anyway. Still, in his 12 minutes a game, Petro showed the scoring touch that made him famous hitting for a solid 7.7 ppg.
In his second season, any chance that he might have had to breakout was squashed with the Blazers' acquisition of Danny Ainge. Fortunately, Drazen was traded mid-season to the Nets for a 1st rounder and, with an increase in playing time, averaged 12 ppg for the remainder of the season.
3. Where the Nets really a team on the rise before Petro's death?
Hard to believe right? It's true, the New Jersey Nets, the same team that once sold Dr. J and routinely plays in front of crowds numbering in the low 100s, were once one of the most exciting young teams around (think 2007 Blazers - Roy, Aldrige and pre-injury Old Man Oden. Not quite 2010 Thunder hype). In Drazen's first full year with the team, the Nets had the prior year's #1 overall pick and reigning Rookie of the Year, Derrick Coleman averaging 18 and 10 and looking like a potential franchise cornerstone and a player who, before everyone realized he was a dog, supposed to be THE next great power forward (despite being considered a bust he still average 16 and 9 over his career and 19 and 10 with the Nets). To compliment DC, the team used the #2 overall pick in that year's draft to pick Kenny Anderson, the NYC phenom out of Georgia Tech, who was considered one of the next great point guards. It's hard to look back and separate guys from their accomplishments or lack thereof, but when you think about what the perception of these guys was at the time and its easy to see why people were so optimistic. Add in Petro's breakout performance, upping his average to a team-high 20 ppg while chipping in 3 assists and 3 rebounds and shooting 44% from 3 and 51% overall and the other role players on the roster like Mookie Blaylock (if you ignore points he's better than Iverson), Sam Bowie & Chris Dudley in the middle and backboard breaker Chris Morris on the win (we once taped our hands up like him and tried to break a 7-foot rim, needless to say, we were a huge loser) and it was a good time to be a Nets fan. Unfortunately, it only lasted 2 playoff appearances before it all fell apart.
4. Petro v. Jordan?
At one point in the movie, Kenny Anderson recounts how Petro used to go right at MJ, never backing down and at times going shot for shot with the GOAT. At first we wanted to call bullshit. We could figure that Drazen wouldn't be intimidated but nobody really hung with MJ. Not only did he have an unmistakable aura that intimidated opponents but he was All NBA 1st Team Defense 9 times. We looked at the stats for their head-to-head match-ups and while it would be an extreme overstatement to say he matched him, Petro didn't seem phased. If you start in 1992 after Drazen got himself acclimated to the swamp, he routinely got to his average of 21 ppg (to Jordan's 32). He certainly wasn't intimidated and in the world of MJ challengers, you could say that an 11 point spread qualifies as going toe-to-toe. We'll leave the final word to MJ himself (from wikipedia, of course)
It was a thrill to play against Drazen. Every time we competed, he competed with an aggressive attitude. He wasn't nervous; he came at me as hard as I came at him. So, we've had some great battles in the past and unfortunately, they were short battles.
Pretty high praise from a guy who insulted everyone imaginable during his Hall-of-Fame speech.
5. What could Petro have done if he lived?
We're not equipped to do any fancy statistical modeling to project his stats so we'll have to go with the old fashioned, who did he play like comparison? As a Net, Drazen averaged 21 ppg, 3 assists and 3 rebounds, shot about 45 % from deep and 51% overall and made 3rd Team All-NBA his last season. Basically, he was a gunner who didn't add that much more to the stat sheet, but did what he did very well and at a very high percentage.
If you look at his similarity scores he profiles the same as current guys like Mona Ellis, Rudy Gay and Brandon Roy. We don't really like any of these comps - Gay rebounded more, Roy was better in both rebound and assist while Ellis' shooting percentages are much too low. We think the better comps are guys like Michael Redd (20 ppg, 4 rpg, 2 apg, 45% fg, 38% 3s) and Ben Gordon (18, 2 &; 2, 44% & 40%). Still, we think Petro was much more dynamic then either guy and was certainly more efficient based on shooting percentages.
So, who does he compare to?
Well, the guy we keep coming back to is Reggie Miller. The numbers look similar, in Reggie's best year (89-90 season), he averaged 24, 4 & 4, while shooting 51% from the field and 41% from 3/ Guys like Mitch Richmond and Ray Allen are also in the same statistical realm but what makes the Reggie comparison really stuck for us is the personality, they both seemed to embody that same type of confidence and swagger, going after MJ, talking shit and knocking down ridiculous jumpers.
So, our guess is that had Petro not gotten in that car crash, his career arc probably would have been close to Reggie's, he would have at times been considered a Top 3-5 shooting guard, been named to a hand full of All-Star Games and a couple of 3rd team All-NBAs, author some memorable performances and be absolutely beloved by his fans. That's not too bad.
As it stands now, Petro deserves to be remembered as a great, great European/International player and one of the pioneers (along with Divac, etc.) in helping open the NBA to foreign players and should be thanked by fans who enjoy watching Dirk, Gasol, Manu and Parker and cursed by fans of teams who drafted Darko and Nicholas Tskitishvili. That's not too bad either but oh what could have been.
The west coast bureau of the Project is officially on-fire (that should not be considered a reference to last years wildfires in California, in less of course you think something like that would be funny, then laugh away), providing us with yetanother story ripe for ridicule. Must be all that gloomy weather. This one is down right fantastical pitting the ladies of The View against America's favorite alleged deliverer of vile and degrading monologues about sex, Bill O'Reilly.
"The View" co-hosts Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar stormed off the set Thursday during a contentious interview with Fox News host Bill O'Reilly. As the cast debated whether there should be a community center and mosque built in Lower Manhattan, O'Reilly declared that "Muslims killed us on 9/11" to back up his position that it's "inappropriate."
Watch the video and its more like "walked gingerly off the stage for dramatic effect." You simply can't storm with that kind of osteoporosis.
"Oh my God!" Goldberg responded, before uttering a few words bleeped out.
"That's such bullshit." That's what she said. Is that really too offensive to put in writing? Oh yeah, we always forget about the children, particularly the ones who read stories on Yahoo! about the View. WE MUST PROTECT THEIR INNOCENCE.
"Muslims didn't kill us on 9/11?" O'Reilly responded. "Is that what you're saying?"
Umm...yeah, we're pretty sure that's what she was saying, Bill. Was it bleeped out on stage too? Behar, who had told O'Reilly that Muslims have a right to build it because "this is America," said that she no longer "want[ed] to sit here now" after the Fox star's remarks. Behar and Goldberg then left the studio.
This IS America, you are so right Joy Behar. America, the land where disputes are settled with falsely dramatic walk-outs on morning TV. We all remember the stories about James Madison and Alexander Hamilton storming hand-in-hand out of Independence Hall after Thomas Jefferson wouldn't agree to change the wording of the First Amendment. That was our favorite article of the "Federalist Papers." (ed. note: this may be wildly inaccurate.)
With an issue as hot as this one, there's little doubt the commentariat will go batshit crazy.
JEREMY Why did the statement have to be corrected to Muslim 'extremists' anyway? Isn't it common knowledge that it is part of the Muslim religion to have the intent to eliminate (kill) all of the infidels...meaning all of those who are not in agreement with them??? I would dare say that to be Muslim is the same as being an extremist. There are no other religions that I know of that are trying to kill people for not believing as they do.
And we're off!! Watch out Jeremy, it's Karrem Abdul-Jabbar, run for your life, he's going to beat you with a pair of rec specs until you declare your love of Allah. We'd dare say that to be Jeremy is the same as being an ignorant doosh. Whatever you do Jeremy, don't read this, we'd hate to ruin things for you.
Robert The best viewing of the View would be in the closest trash can!
Face!! Suck it The View!! Seriously though, while that does sound awfully uncomfortable (at least in a standard garbage can, you could do some nice things with a dumpster), it's probably better than watching it in HD, which is just horrifying.
Joe Straight WHO CARES those women are hoes
Very articulate Joe. But that's ok because THIS IS AMERICA!!
whatever2 the "SPEW" continues to demonstrate its' insignificance in American cultrure. It is viewed ( no pun ) by people who are home sitting on their brains, while the contributers to society are hard at work
Ohhhhhh, the "Spew", we get it, it's like "The View" but it's not. I'm sure that's all those lazy stay at home moms and their children, people who work the nigh shift and the 10% of unemployed workers who are home while you're hard at work reading and commenting on stories about shows you apparently never watch, REALLY appreciate your joke or whatever (no pun) that was supposed to be.
Finally, the commenter money shot, courtesy of a little someone by the name of "Geralds"
geralds Anyone who watches the view has a screw loose to begin with ...
What are you 80? Are they one sandwich short of a picnic too? Cause then we'd be happy as a clam.
and O'Reilly is right and should be thanked by ever red blooded american for stating what 70% of what the real people of this great country thinks.
Ahh yes, the REAL people, with red blood (they bleed when you cut them). If only us green-blooded fakey's who think O'Reilly is a fuckin nutjob could understand.
As for what bayhar and goldberg thinks is why we are in the shape this country is in and should be tried for treason or move to a muslim country and see how they will be treated,get real you fools and fire them like WILLIAMS got fired by npr.
Yes, they should be tried for treason for walking off a TV set. Wonder how that would work ...
Clerk: Your Honor, up next is "The United States, on behalf of The Real Red Blooded Americans vs. Goldberg and Behar"
Judge: What is the charge counselor?
AUSA: Treason, Your Honor.
Judge: Treason? What did these women do?
AUSA: Well, Your Honor, they walked off the set of their television show "The View" during an argument with one, Mr. William O'Reilly.
Judge: (to AUSA) I hate you. (to defendants) How do you plead?
Goldberg/Behar (in unison): Unamerican, your honor.
Come on people,GET REAL AND STOP THE INSANITY
Funny, we would have figured he was the one who needed help with the whole insanity thing.
Most weeks we have write long-winded rant about something inane that happened during the week that drove is nuts. Come to think of it, the fact that we're able to write long-winded rants on a weekly basis might be some cause for concern, but we'll deal with that in next week's "Why We Need Therapy". Anyway, this week's, it's relatively short.
We got shit on by a bird.
Yep, a bird shit right on us, without provocation. We were a victim of avian terrorism. There we are standing on the corner trying our best not to look like a creep (and probably failing miserably) when - Splat! - we felt something hit the front of our suit and look down to see a bright green streak (apparently birds in NYC eat glow sticks) down our lapel and onto our shoes. Thanks bird, if you were trying to ruin our day, we say "Mission Accomplished."
One quick programming note. In an effort to curb our verbosity we're only going to deal with 7 guys from now on. Why 7? Because .... its lucky? there are seven days in the week? it's arbitrary and manageable? Yeah, we'll go with that last one.
On to the top fantasy football performers and under performers of Week 7.
1. Kenny Britt, WR, Tennessee Titans;
Holy shit Kenny, where the hell did that come from!! After being benched for the first quarter due to his role in a bar fight early Friday morning, Britt put an absolute beating on the Eagles' secondary racking up career highs in catches (7), yards (225 - more than double his season total before Sunday) and TDs (3, including a= crazy, 80-yarder) in the three remaining quarters. Of course, even after scoring in each of the past 4 games, Kenny probably found himself on a fair amount of benches this weekend. So, what do we make of this? Well, as always, its tricky. Britt has all the tools you want from a big-time receiver; the size to dominate defensive backs, the speed to get down field and the hands to be a reliable target. Unfortunately, his production hasn't matched the measurable, making him a somewhat unreliable proposition. The other big issue is that his breakout performance came with Kerry Collins replacing the injured starter Vince Young. While Collins may move around like a slow bowel movement (Vince Young = diarrhea), he can still get the ball downfield better than VY. For those reasons, we can't expect anything approaching this until we see it with Vince chucking the ball. That said, start the Rutgers product as a #2 or, ideally, # 3WR, with upside, based on his touchdown potential alone.
2. Steve Johnson & Lee Evans, WRs, Buffalo Bills;
We'd like to extend a big 'Fuck You' on behalf of any owner who lost to a team that was so desperate that they started a crappy receiver from a crappy Buffalo Bills team. If you are one of these guys, you don't deserve to win and, in fact, you probably don't deserve to have a fantasy team (it's a privilege, not a right!!) Perhaps that was a tad mean-spirited, but, come on, is the universe really serious with this crap? Let's start with Steve Johnson. Who? Exactly. We consider ourselves to be pretty well educated football fans but we had to look him up to find out that he actually a 6'2" 3rd year player from noted football factory Kentucky. Before Sunday he'd never topped 66 yards or 5 catches and was being used primarily as the Bills 3rd wideout. Perhaps, if you really care, you noticed he caught 4 TDs in his three previous games but nothing could have prepared you for Sunday's 8 catch, 158 yard, 1 TD explosion. The only difference between Johnson and Lee Evans is that Lee Evans used to be good, like 5 years ago. Evans has been a huge bust since his 2006 fakeout performance (82 catches, 1292 yards, 8 TDs.) and this year has been no exception. He hadn't even topped 87 yards in any game before Sunday's 6 for 105 with 3 big TDs. Add in Ryan Fitzpatricks 374 yards and 4 TDs and you had a fantasy poo poo platter to ruin a whole week. Can they do it again? Sure, it's possible, but we can't in good conscience recommend them. Still, if this column is any indication, we've been wrong before.
3. Roddy White, WR, Atlanta Falcons;
We're ready to call the Rowdy one the most underrated receiver in fantasy football and we're tired of allowing ourselves to be surprised when he does things like catch 11 passes, rack up 201 yards and score 2 TDs. From this day forward we pledge to appreciate it when he blows up like this but when he does, just say "That's what Roddy White do." Sunday's performance merely served as notice to everyone that Roddy is in the upper echelon with guys names like Johnson, Moss, Wayne, Fitzgerald, etc. He's yet to have a bad game yet this year, is by far Matty Ice's top guy (he accounted for 13 out of 33 targets on Sunday) and ranks 1st in the NFL in yards, catches and targets (meaning the ball is coming his way no matter what). There's simply no reason to think he's going to slow down.
4. Larry Fitzgerald, WR, Arizona Cardinals; David Gettis, WR, Carolina Panthers;
At the risk of sounding completely obvious, we're concerned about Fitzgerald. Really concerned. Before the season, the retirement of Kurt Warner and the departure of Anquan Boldin gave us some pause about whether Fitz could keep up his prodigious production but we figured a guy this talented would find a way to get his numbers, or at least somewhere in the neighborhood. 7 weeks into the season, however, it seems like that's a stretch. Sunday's 3 catch, 30 yard performance simply highlights the disturbing trends (no game over 100 yards or 7 catches, only 2 TDs) that are making us wonder whether he's even a no brainer starter right now. The Cardinals quarterback play has been awful and after rookie Max Hall left Sunday's game with a head injury, the reins went back to the dilapidated Derek Anderson. There's simply nobody on the roster who inspires any kind of confidence in us that they can get Larry the ball, even when they try (on Sunday, Fitz was targeted a team high 10 times but only caught 3 of them, meaning those targets weren't exactly on target (awful pun intended)). Talent almost always wins out but right now, we're not seeing much reason to be optimistic.
In the same game where Fitzy was struggling so mightily one one side, someone named David Gettis, a 6th round draft pick from Baylor, completely outplayed both Fitz and The Artist Formerly Known as The Real Steve Smith (4, 51) to the tune of 8 catches, 125 yards and 2 TDs. While this type of performance is nice (unless of course, you own TAFKATRSS and you can't quite figure out how the Panthers one good passing performance of the year didn't go to your guy) Carolina's quarterback play is so bad (Clausen might be good some day, Matt Moore, no so much) that you can't expect this to be a harbinger of things to come. We'd keep all Panthers out of our lineups until further notice. Let the random big performances happen on your bench or the waiver wire and protect yourself from the consistent disappointments.
5. Mike Williams, WR, Seattle Seahawks;
Remember when Mike Williams was such a monumental bust who essentially ate himself out of the league getting so big that his former team, the Detroit Lions, once tried converting him from receiver to tight end? Well, are back-to-back weeks of double digit receptions, that all seems like ancient history. Williams got himself back on outskirts of the fantasy radar after his former college boss, Pete "The Dude" Caroll, gave him a shot in Seattle. Williams rewarded Caroll's confidence by performing well enough supplant veteran T.J. Houshmazode (he was cut) as the #1 WR. Still, he remained largely ignored as the Seahawks didn't figure to produce much in the passing game. Now, it's time to reconsider, as the surprisingly good Seahawks (4-2, 1st in the NFC West) seem to be improving offensively and Williams has been the main beneficiary, snagging 21 passes for 210 yards in the past two weeks (including a whopping 16 targets on Sunday, three times more than the next guy). If he's still available in your overly skeptical league grab him and get him in your line-up STAT.
6. Darren McFadden, RB, Oakland Raiders;
After a tweaked hamstring figured to derail his breakout season (2nd overall in rushing through 3 weeks), Run DMC made things tricky for the Broncos on Sunday, raising hell on the ground to the tune of 165 yards on only 16 carries and 3 rushing TDs, adding a receiving score for good measure. The best part for fantasy owners hoping to see the former #4 overall pick fulfill his promise was that McFadden looked tougher than leather while running over a defender for the first time in recent memory. So McFadden has finally arrived as a fantasy stud, right? Probably. We love his talent but the two obstacles he's always faced are injuries (the jury is still out after 2 missed games this year already) and opportunity, aka carries, aka Michael Bush. As we wrote in the past, Bush was the guy who was supposed to have the breakout this year until his thump betrayed him and McFadden stepped up. On Sunday McFadden's extreme production overshadows the fact that he did it all on 16 carries and Bush, his competition, had 15. McFadden seemed to be featured early but neither played in the 4th quarter so it's not like you can chalk Bush's touches up to garbage time. Ride McFadden while you can but beware of the Bush (if only we knew that back in 2000).
7. Dez Bryant, WR, Dallas Cowboys;
We'll spare you the obvious hand-wringing over Tony Romo's broken collarbone (or clavicle if you medically inclined or want to try to sound smart like Mike Torico - he talked to an orthopedic surgeon at halftime, what a guy!!) and the 24/7 coverage of Brett Favre's appendage (his ankle this time, not his dinkus). We'll also avoid gloating too much over the Cowboys 1-5 record except to say that they're D-U-N, done. What we will do, however, is focus on the potential impact of Romo's injury. We all know that every quarterback has his favorite targets and whenever onegets hurt, there's a distinct possibility that the back-ups preferred target will change. In Romo's absence, the keys to the talented, if not consistently productive, Cowboys offense fell into the lap of the well-traveled (that's sport-speak for just crappy enough not to start) Jon Kitna. The obvious beneficiary of Kitna's ascension is Jason Witten (shorter routes, tight end security blanket, etc.) and that seemed to be the case on Monday night as Witten set season highs in catches (9) and yards (95) with the added bonus of a touchdown. In addition to Witten, however, the surprise beneficiary might be Dez Bryant. Dez hasn't been much of a factor on offense since week 1 but he seemed to get a few more looks from Kitna as the game went on, including two big TD grabs (he also added a punt return TD for good measure). It's speculative at this point, but we think Dez is someone to keep an eye on going forward (a trade target perhaps?) for the Jon Kitna-led Cowboys. (Ha! Ha! Ha! We can't help but laugh at that statement.)
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Another one from the West Coast bureau of the Persnickety Project. Remember the Rutgers student who killed himself by jumping off the GWB after he was allegedly caught having sexual relations (the fact that we call it that tells us we're mature enough to discuss it) with another guy via web cam by his roommate and a friend. If not, refresh your memory here.
Well, in the aftermath of this whole thing, the girl half of the voyeuristic duo is being picked on and apparently she's sad about it. We weep.
How do we know she feels sad? Well, the folks over at People.com asked her friends about it. You know, because that's always the best way to get hard hitting analysis.
Before she entered Rutgers University's prestigious six-year pharmacy program, Molly Wei was known as a sweet, quiet and smart girl with a love of mahjong.
Couple of problems here. First, old Asian women are the only ones who love mahjong. Maybe she enjoys playing the game on holidays with Grandma and Grandpa Wei, but there's no way she loved it. Plus, how utterly boring are you if the only thing people could come up when asked about you is that you like some weird game that nobody even understands? Might as well have said she was a "smart girl with nothing even remotely interesting about her." Second, how is it relevant that she was a "sweet, quiet and smart"? Ted Bundy probably could have been described as sweet by someone and Unabomer was certainly quiet and smart. Yeah, we're obviously stretching the analogy beyond any logical limit and we're not comparing her to serial killers, but the point is that nice people do crap things and even bad people can seem nice. It's all irrelevant.
Finally, at the risk of offending our large contingent of pharmacist readers, but do we really need 6 years of school? Isn't it all done by computers now? Are all pharmacy students preparing for some post-apocalyptic world where they need to know by heart whether you can't take Singular with your Levitra. What do they know that we don't, should we be concerned?
"She is trying to stay optimistic," he says. "She's really upset about this, she definitely feels bad, and wishes it didn't go the way it did."
She wishes it didn't go the way it did, huh? That's a heartfelt sentiment. She sounds like she just lost a coin toss for the last piece of cheesy bread, not lamenting a suicide. That's just not gonna cut it on the contrition scale.
According to her friend, Wei is now living the life of a fugitive.
It wasn't Wei, IT WAS THE ONE-ARMED MAN!!
"She is going to different places," he says, "because the media is always at her house."
Maybe they should check the end of all nearby drain pipes in the area.
While there are no signs that Ravi and Wei have resumed taking classes at Rutgers, neither of their defense attorneys – nor the university – would comment on their educational status.
In fairness, there's little sign that any college student actually take classes in the first place.
On to the comments, if they're half as insightful as ours, we're in for a treat.
Stephanie Denise These two invaded TYLER'S PRIVACY and while, arguably, maybe one is a little bit guiltier than the OTHER, it's STILL ILLEGAL. 1+1=2. WHAT'S NOT TO GET?!?
We're gonna go with how "1 + 1 = 2" is supposed to relate to anything you just said.
Megan Lindsay @Patty- I completely agree! It's terrifying to me that people can be so cruel for no reason. I hope, for humanity's sake, that they have a psychological issue or were on drugs or something. Why is this story NOT in the news more?! While this little girl hasn't committed suicide, she needs to be recognized for the trauma she has been put through. It's so sad that the parents are the ones that can instigate all of this. From all I've read, it seems that it's those parents that were a. bullied or b. bullies that have children that are bullies. It's such a sad cycle :( And definitely- douchers! haha I hope you use that word in daily life now :)
Yeah, she should totally kill herself so that this story stays in the news. Also, Douchers! LOL!!
Bettina Do Nascimento RogovskyOct 9 hahahahahaha hope this motherfucker kills herself, just for being desperate and hunt now. I guess what's happening to her now is worse than what happened to Tyler...
Wow, that's kinda mean, email us!!
Facebook Ravi was wrong for posting it on the internet. Wei was wrong for letting Ravi use her computer. Clementi was wrong in the first place for having sex in his dorm room. As I see this, all three made bad choices.
Wait, what? So getting it on your dorm room is the same as committing an invasion of privacy? Totally see your point, prude.
Facebook UserOct 9 In this day and age, most students have web cams. Clementi should have been aware of this. I wish he would have not broken the rules and had sex in his dorm room. Everyone makes mistakes, Ravi and Wei are no exception. With this kind of tech out there today, I would be afraid to change clothes in my dorm room and wonder if I am being spied on
Seriously, what the fuck is it with people thinking its against the rules to have sex in a dorm room? Isn't that what they're for? Is the comments section actually a time machine back to the 1950's? If only someone agreed with us ....
MILLIONS and I mean MILLIONS of kids have sex in their dorm room. How convenient to place the blame on the vicitm. I live in Jersey and know many people that have done just that, at RUTGARS!!!
Of course, we get the dude you can't spell Rutgers.
Finally, this one is our fave.
Facebook UserOct 11 Wow, she does need to burn in hell. I think they should atleast be charged with involuntary manslaughter. She looks so innocent, but I can read people. She also looks very judgemental.
How do those person know what judgmental people look like? They look in the mirror.
Who do you take in a fight between two billionaire corporations? A fight between Rupert Murdoch and James Dolan? Neither if you can help it.
At some point on Saturday, the ongoing fight between Cablevision and FOX entered our living room when the FOX family of channels, and most importantly the FOX 5, were pulled from Cablevision's airwaves. In place of their regularly scheduled programming, namely the NLCS, we were left with some Cablevision propaganda (binding arbitration, binding arbitration, binding arbitration!!). No big deal, though as we assumed they'd get it all figured out before the 1 P.M. Giants game on Sunday. No company, no matter how big or how ridiculously out of touch it is, would ever think to pull the local team from the largest TV market in the county, right?
Fast forward to Sunday, game time. With our fingers crossed, we flipped on the TV to find .... that SAME DAMN CABLEVISION PROPAGANDA!! You see, the only reason we even chose Cablevision when we moved to our lovely central Jersey town, was because it was the only provider we could find that carried the New York stations, and in turn, every Giants game. Now, with the NFL not on our TV, we were beginning to question our relationship with Cablevision. Wasn't there some politician, in a desperate attempt to pander their way to reelection, who would step up and do something? 4 days later we're sitting here wondering if we're going to miss another week of football, yet that's not the part that ruined our day.
What really pisses us off is that we kinda side with Cablevision on this one. FOX is apparently looking for shit ton more money for the same product. They're the one who made the decision to deprive us of our rightful channels. Still, as pissed as we are, we have no recourse. What the hell can we do to get back at them? We're certainly not going to stop watching their shows (American Idol, baby!!). The only thing we're left to do is change cable companies and punish the comparative good guy in this whole mess. It sucks being powerless.
On to those who make us feel powerless every week, the fantasy performers and non-performers of the week.
1. Brandon Jacobs, RB, New York Giants;
A funny thing happened on the way to Jacobs being left for dead on the side of the fantasy highway, Brandon seems to have gotten a little bit of his groove back. In the past few weeks, the Man-Child has finally begun to show the power and body lean that made us think he could be the next Larry Johnson (minus the beating of women and the sense of balance - seriously, Jacobs falls over more then a drunk, one-legged man). The result is a string of 3 straight touchdown producing games, capped with a 2 score performance on Sunday. We're not getting carried away thinking he's going to steal a bunch of touches (particularly since he hasn't topped 10 carries since week 1) but in a league where even top running backs can stick you with a crappy 45 yard performance (that's you Michael Turner, no groin excuses this time), a guy who has the potential to score can be very useful when you're in need of a spot start. With all this good news, why does Jacobs make the list? Easy, Bradshaw owners really hate his ass right now after Bradshaw put together a nice 133 yard day but his owners were deprived of two touchdowns, and a HUGE 25+ point fantasy day, as a result of Jacobs' vulture.
2. Malcom Floyd, WR, San Diego Superchargers;
Floyd earns the rare honor of making the list in back-to-back weeks for following up his ridiculous 213 yard week by doing nothing against the Rams (2 catches, 15 yards) before leaving in the 4th quarter with a hamstring strain that appears likely to keep him out for week 7's match-up with the Pats. How's that for an encore!! Floyd reminds us, once again, that some guys are just guys. In our humble opinion, Floyd is just a guy and he shouldn't be relied on for weekly plus production unless you want to have your days ruined on a regular basis.
3. Brent Celek, TE, Philadelphia Eagles;
We're not sure what's worse, Celek's 4 catch, 46 yard performance making the list as a stand alone performance or that those numbers are essentially season highs (he had 47 yards in Week 5). Either way, coming off a breakout season (76, 971, 8 Tds) that made him a 6th round pick and a Top 7ish TE, Celek's current pace (43, 475, 5 TDs) just isn't cutting it. Even, in a year where TEs have been disappointing on the whole (except for Mr. Gates), Celek's ineptitude has stood out. So, who's to blame? You can't blame it on either Vick or Kolb as Celek's numbers have barely fluctuated no matter who starts. You can't blame the offense as the Eagles still throw the ball just about as much as anybody. Perhaps its the emergence of Maclin as the #2 beside Jackson taking some targets away (though Celek was targeted 7 times on Sunday, a game in which Jackson left with only one catch). Maybe he's blocking more since injuries have forced the Eagles to use a patch-work line. Honestly, we don't know (maybe Dr. Philadelphia does) but the bottom line is anyone who relies on Celek right now is putting their faith in the wrong guy.
4. Greg Jennings, WR, Green Bay Packers;
Well, well, well, look who finally decided to show up at the party. For Jennings owners who felt like their #1 WR had become a waste, they're hoping he's just fashionably late and not just making a one-week cameo. After Jennings big 6 catch, 133 yard, 1 TD performance, there's reason to be both optimistic and pessimistic on that front. Pessimists can easily point to the 86-yard TD catch and say that without that one "lucky" play, he might have made the list for entirely different reasons. If you're an optimist, however, you probably remember that Jennings has made a living off of long TD catches and runs, averaging just over 16 yards-per-catch for his career, so that "lucky" play might just be a return to form. We think the main reason for optimism is the fact that Jennings breakout game coincided with presumed-stud TE Jermichael Finley missing his first game after season-ending knee surgery. With less options, Aaron Rodgers should be forced to look Jennings' way a little more often. We tend to side with the glass-half-fullers so we expect Jennings to ruin the more days of his opponents than his owners going forward.
5. Deion Branch, WR, New Englad Patriots;
Back from the dead, or at least Seattle, Branch made his re-debut with the Patriots a memorable one racking up 9 catches (including a whopping 7 in the 4th quarter) for 98 yards and 1 TD, leaving Pats fans saying "Randy, who?" It's obvious that Brady and Branch didn't fall out of love during their time apart. Add in the fact they put up the numbers against the always formidable Ravens defense (they might not cover great but they do get after the QB) and fantasy owners have to take notice. Despite our reservations, it was apparent that someone had to benefit fantasy-wise from Moss' departure, it just so happens it was somebody who wasn't on the team at the time. Don't expect 9 catches every week (his high with Pats was only 78 and while this team is admittedly more pass-oriented, he didn't have to compete with reception-machine Wes Welker in 2005) but on the off-chance that Branch is still floating around out there, he's a guy you need to get, especially in PPR leagues.
6. Chris Ivory (not Cory Ivy as we originally wrote, like anyone would know the difference), RB, New Orleans Saints;
We pity the poor fool who played a team desperate enough to start a part-time, undrafted back from Tiffin University who had done nothing to distinguish himself from retreads like Ledell Betts and Julius Jones only to watch his team go down in flames as Ivory racked up 158 yards as the Saints rolled the Bucs. 158 yards is great, right? Sure, but we're not quite ready to jump on the bandwagon yet. First, and most obviously, even if this week cemented him as the temporary go-to back and he capitalizes on the opportunity (we're dubious on both fronts), he still stands to lose a significant playing time when Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush finally return in a few weeks. Perhaps less obviously, the Saints game plan last year was to jump out on teams early and then pound the run in the second half. While they were able to pull it off on Sunday, for the majority of the season they've been unable to consistently execute that game plan, leading to a significant drop off in running production. The league eventually catches up to all great offenses and it seems like the gap might have been closed a bit this off-season. If the Saints don't rediscover their unstoppable ways, we'd expect their run game to continue to bum owners out more than win them games.
7. Offense, Dallas Cowboys;
In the real world, the Cowboys actually made our f'n day by losing the "Overhyped Bowl" (aka "The Coaching Really Does Matter Bowl", d/b/a "The Battle of Quaterbacks Who Have Mastered the Art of the Crippling Interception Bowl" - did you see the pick Romo through to E.J. Henderson? The pupil has become the teacher) to fall to an unreasonably awful 1-4. Que fantastica! In the fantasy world, things were much worse. Aside from our dear friend Tony Romo, the Cowboys offense has been an absolute enigma. The run game is virtually non-existent (even Felix Jones' 10 catches weren't enough to mask the stink of a 32 yard rushing effort). Miles Austin is making a habit of following up huge games (10, 146 & 9, 166) with unmitigated disasters (2, 20 & this week's 2, 12) (not the kind of consistency you expect from your #1.) Jason Witten has gone from 100-catch guy/security blanket to forgotten man. Dez Bryant has been largely a non-factor. And, worst of all, Roy Williams (the other shitty one) now has multiple 2 touchdown games, making him a fantasy factor despite only breaking 100-yards once.
8. Matt Forte, RB, Chicago Bears;
We hate to say we told you so, but on the rare occasion when we actually get one right we will. As we predicted, Forte's performance line has been as crooked as a Michael J. Fox autograph. Six games into the season, Forte has two absolute monster games but four games of less than 3o yards rushing, culminating in his 8 carry, 11 yard debacle on Sunday. His overall numbers look ok on the strength of those big weeks but he's not a guy we want on our team. Despite our initial optimism, we're starting to believe more and more that the '99 Rams were much more Warner, Faulk, Bruce and Holt and much much less Martz.
9. Dwayne Bowe, WR, Kansas City Chiefs;
What do we make of Bowe's huge performance on Sunday? For now, we're taking the easy way out and calling it a TBA. After a nice 2008 season (86, 1,022, 7 Tds), Bowe entered last preseason as a candidate to break into the top tier of fantasy receivers but after Bowe showed up to camp out of shape and ended up running with the 3rd team, the hype evaporated and he ended up with a paltry 47 catches for 59 yards. Coming into this season, the expectations for Bowe were understandably lowered. Still, his 9 catches through 4 games had to be a disappointment. On Sunday, Bowe effectively doubled his season stats with a 6 catch, 108 yard, 2 TD performance, leading us all to wonder whether the 2008 version of Bowe had returned. We all know he's supremely talented and from what we've seen, he appears lean and in shape so there's reason for owners to by psyched until they remember that Matt Cassel is throwing the passes. Like we said, TBD.
10. Knowshon Moreno, RB, Denver Broncos;
For anyone who thought that Moreno's return might jump-start the Broncos putrid running game, Sunday might have been encouraging, unless of course you were stupidly expecting a big day, then you got screwed. Sure, the overall numbers weren't staggering, 12 rushes for 48 yards, but they came against the vaunted Jets defense (4th overall against the run) and he averaged a solid 4 yards per carry which compares favorably to the -12 per carry they were averaging when he was out. To our eyes, Moreno looked healthy and fast and while he might not set the world on fire in Denver's pass-happy attack, he looks like a viable option.
When you go to a football game you go for a lot of reasons. You go for the tailgate and the atmosphere. You go to complain about the insanely overpriced amenities and cheer on your team with your friends. Yeah, you go for all that nice stuff but, if you're being honest, you go to watch unreasonably-sized men hit each other with great force. And while you know deep down that you're watching a potentially dangerous spectacle and know that injuries will happen, you never expect to see what we saw on Saturday.
For the first time ever, even with all the bad wins and ugly losses, we wish we hadn't gone to the game that will not only be remembered at the first college football game at the new Giants Stadium but the game "where that Rutgers kid broke his neck." That kid was Eric LeGrand and this is how we remember it.
Things started just fine. Despite an appearance by the infamous Meadowland winds, the tailgate was good (homemade pizza) and after a first-half which threatened to set the program back to the days when Army was a national title contender, Rutgers finally scored a touchdown immediately after the teams switched ends to start the 4th quarter.
With Army's 17-3 lead cut to 17-10, the sparse crowd finally woke up and after Rutgers quickly scored again to tie the score, we were at full throat. As the team lined up for the ensuing kickoff, the crowd implored them, not quite literally, to annihilate the kick returner. We even heard ourselves say "Hit 'em! HIT 'EM HARD!!" They obliged as Legrand, the senior defensive tackle contributing on special teams, unleashed a vicious hit, audible from our seats some 70 yards away in the opposite end zone, sending the crowd into even a bigger frenzy. We loved it.
The thing about big hits is you always worry about the hittee, not the hitter. The hitter is the one who is prepared, the hittee is the one who is supposed to be in danger. With that in mind we immediately looked to see if the Army player was ok and were impressed with just how quickly he got up and jogged off the field. As long as he was ok, we could keep cheering without guilt. Then it happened.
A Rutgers player, the aforementioned hitter, was down, his legs stiff. We figured he'd just knocked himself cold. The players quickly motioned the trainers onto the field and in what seemed like 30 seconds the cart (no, not the cart, the cart is never good) and the backboard came out (even worse). Soon they loaded him onto the cart and LeGrand's parents, who were sitting no more than 10 rows in front of us, were escorted onto the field. As they drove off, the crowd cheered reflexively, not realizing that we hadn't received the always reassuring "thumbs up."
Moments later the game restarted, the crowd was rocking, and Rutgers completed their comeback, winning in overtime. We all left happy.
As we walked out, we had a fleeting hope that LeGrand was ok but probably imagined he'd have a great story about how he once hit a guy so hard he knocked himself out. Never did we imagine that we'd just witnessed one of the worst moments in sports.
As everyone now knows, LeGrand broke his neck and lost all feeling below his neck. What we soon realized from watching the replays was that the stiff legs weren't a sign of someone knocked out but rather a man struggling to get up off the turf before realizing that he couldn't, awake and likely fully aware of what was happening. Awful, just awful.
The weird thing about it is just how retroactively chilling it is. We surely didn't realize at the severity at the time but watching the replays makes us sick to know what we witnessed. It kinda shakes you up. We'll send our thoughts and wishes (the Persnickety Project is largely atheistic, we don't pray) that he makes a recovery but ultimately we, like everyone else, will get over it and cheer the next big hit. That's what people do.
After this episode and then watching guys like DeSean Jackson get almost murdered during Sunday's games, we wonder who will be at the game when someone actually gets killed on the field. We hope its not us. We'd hate to have to try to get over that one.
This one comes from one of our friends out west, who's apparently got quite the nose for stupidity. The story is about bullying ... with a twist.
Children get bullied for being gay, fat, clumsy on the field,
And.......
and now a new study finds you can add those with food allergies to the list.
Oh, well that's kinda mean. Creative, sure, but still mean.
More than 30 percent of children studied for the new research reported having been bullied, teased or harassed because of their food allergy, according to a study published this month in the journal Annals of Allergy, Asthma & Immunology.
As a society can't we draw a line between teasing and bullying? Isn't there a difference between teasing someone you know has a peanut allergy by enjoying your pb&j like an old "Herbal Essences" commercial and holding someone down and squeezing a lime on their head when you know they're allergic to citrus? We say yes.
Although verbal abuse is the most common form of bullying found, over 40 percent of the children who said they were bullied were reported to have been threatened physically with acts such as being touched with their allergen, such as a peanut, or having the allergen thrown or waved at them.
"Hey Billy, heard you're allergic to pork!" [throws a canned ham at Billy] Like we said, that would be bullying.
About 82 percent of these episodes occurred at school, with 80 percent of the cases involving classmates as the bullies and about 20 percent involving teachers or other school staff as bullies.
"Billy will never see this one coming. Hilarious!!" [teacher hides slice of bologna inside test Booklet]
/shamelessly continues string of absurd scenarios.
"Recent cases involving bullying and food allergy include a middle school student who found peanut butter cookie crumbs in her lunchbox and a high school student whose forehead was smeared with peanut butter in the cafeteria," Weiss said.
Yeah, that's not really cool since, according to "October Road", mere contact with anything peanuty can cause very severe consequences for those who are allergic. Still, in fairness, the girl who had her forehead smeared did soon realize that peanut butter and forehead hive pus are two great tastes that taste great together.
With an issue like this one, you just know the comments are going to be good.
loyote I say make the parent responsible for the fall-out. Apparently children hear their parents talking in the home, and adopt their views on issues such as racial and sexual discrimination, sexual orientation, cruel remarks about geeks, and make fun of food and multiple allergies others have. Anything remark about anything anyone has different from themselves will cause the thought to be planted in a child's head. Although I was no bully, remarks made in my house when I was a kid would have influenced a lesser person ...
BREAKING NEWS: According to undisclosed sources, Loyote reports that children are apparently influenced by their parents.
Seriously though, we can't even count the amount of times that dear old Dad used to rail against, and we mean really nastily lay into, people with celiac disease. He used to call them "Gluties" After hearing that for 12 years we couldn't help but beat them with bails of wheat and shout "Eat this you fucking Gluties!!" Loyote is a much better person than we are. Not only did she resist her parents' bigoted ways but was able to avoid picking up any of their good grammar habits. She's not done yet:
Also, I send my child to school, I expect him/her to be safe. Make the school responsible too. All adults should be responsible for the children being bullied. What -we live in a world where "wrong is right"? Where we can standby and watch our kids in school be bullied. We're the ones with the problem...we're allowing our society to bully us into watching our kids being bullied.
That's right, all adults should be punished, that's what we need for this crazy, mixed-up world where "wrong is right", up is down, northeast is southwest, cats lie with dogs. We as a society are bullied by ourselves as a society into watching others bully our children. We're all victims! And we all should be punished!
WaveJunkie I was bullied horribly by children in NY because I moved there with a deep Midwestern accent. This went on for over 4 years. Though, by the time reached 9th grade, I guess that Midwestern heritage had its advantages and I became bigger, stronger, faster than the bullies. I relished setting the 'record' straight.
We can see how the toughs from NYC might here, "Hiya, my name is WaveJunkie, I'm from Toe-leed-o, Oh-hi-o" and commerce mercilessly beating him for 4 years. Fortunately, thanks to his "Midwestern heritage" (whatever the hell that is) people started to like him because he was bigger and stronger then them and could now beat them up. What a harrowing tale of unexpected triumph.
Because of this, my son, also a very big kid and gifted athlete who is very popular, was taught at an early age to look out for those that could not defend themselves and never hurt another for whatever reason. Could not be prouder - takes his aggressions out on the field of play, protects the innocent, and is gentle with animals
So you're telling us that athletes are popular and don't get beat up? We found a picture of your son:
"This guy doesn't get rough with animals."
beverly bullies are future republicans
Blame the right? Check.
Timm Must have been a bunch of liberal dems. Conservatives would have never assisted in such a vile endeavor! Speaking of the public schooling, and access of food to children. If these kids turn out to be poor, gingrich will be spinning in his aids bed sheets
Blame the left? Check. At least we think so, Timm (with 2 "m"s) apparently missed the entire point of the story is he thinks it was about "access of food to children."
Hans On the (mentally) strong ones will survive!
Unfortunately, the mentally strong ones are more likely to breakdown when we all climb on their backs. Guess we're all screwed.
Finally, David gives us the most obvious comment ever.
David
good god why does everyone have to be a pansy no one can stand up for themselves anymore and when they are they are charged with a crime things are pathetic
Freakin children being afraid for their lives when people threaten them with food that could cause a potentially deadly reaction. Such pansies!!
Though we're technically unemployed, we still get up early everyday so that we can get a jump on our day. Apparently, its called a "routine" and its supposed to help you get more done. We remain dubious on that front, but what is absolutely certain is that being up before the sun provides ample opportunity to see great second-rate commercials. Surely, they don't show gems like this during "The View."
For anyone who might be reading this at a workplace run by fascists who deny their employees the trust and freedom needed to access the video, we'll break it down.
First, it's for a product called "Slim T's." What do Slim T's do, you ask? Well, they make anyone look "pounds thinner & inches smaller" by flattening your stomach area, concealing your love handles and giving extra lift and shaping to your chest." Wow, to get those kind of results Slim T's must be some intense, yet oddly-named, work-out routine or something. Suck it p90X, we're bringing it!! Slim T-style!!
Uh, not quite. Lazy people rejoice, the secret isn't hard work, its the "12 uniquely designed firming panels." What does that mean? You just put on this crazy, super-tight spandex undershirt and it's doesn't matter how many donuts you eat. It's Spanx for Men. Holy crap, what is happening to us!!
It's bad enough that we've made women feel like they have to wear these things for weddings and other dressy crap. They're terrible. They're less than two steps away from the olde-time girdle that noblewomen used to wear and needed 5 lowly servants to tie them into. Now we're gonna have dudes running around with their guts duct-taped in? Are we that vain? Listen, if you love to eat and hate to run, that's cool, own it, be proud of your bulge. No need to fake it. (Note: Being proud of your bulge does not mean you should take pictures of it and text them around. And, if you do, don't wear crocks in the picture, that's just creepy).
Anyway, off the soap box and back to the commercial, its just full of promises.
Want to look thin INSTANTLY!!
That's right, INSTANTLY. Hate without to resort to pesky diets, or pills or (gasp!) exercise? Fuck all that mess, just buy this shirt. Never had $19.95 made you feel so much better about yourself (unless you're in need of a self-esteem boost, then buy a copy of "Girls Gone Wild", always makes me feel better about where I am in my life). Who cares if your 30 pounds overweight and potentially at high risk for heart disease, diabetes and the gout. Ignore the medical risks, this shirt will make it all go away.
Drop 2 pants sizes over night!!
Then you'll look like a skinnier, more homeless version of yourself as your pants fall down your ass.
Nobody will know except you!!
Particularly if you're on a date with that girl you're going steady with. Just wait till you get Sally home and take your shirt off. She'll be so surprised when your gut slaps her in the face.
In 2 minutes, Slim T's solved a 20 year problem.
Who cares if it I still have all those other ones? I look good, yo. Maybe my heart is about to explode due to the combined effects of the hardening of my arteries and extreme pressure exerted on my internal organs by this compression suit. I LOOK GOOD!!
The job market is really tough and with the Slim T, I look good, I feel good and that's why I got the job.
Hmmmm...maybe we should reconsider our position on this issue.
I originally got it for back support but ...
You sir are a fuckin liar!! You got it because, like everyone else, you're vain and wanted to look thinner. Don't sell us that line of crap. You want better posture? Sit up straight, you old jerk.
We may have mentioned previously that we frequent the football games of our beloved Scarlet Knights. As part of our season ticket package, we get pre-paid parking passes which allows us to continue our life-long pattern of not carrying any cash and avoid the infernal busing system. Unfortunately, our parking arrangement subject us to the wrath of the infamous (at least in our minds) "Parking Nazis."
The Parking Nazis are the amazingly annoying individuals who manage the parking lots, wielding absolute power without the impediments of logic. Like many fans, we enjoy a nice tailgate before another soul-crushing defeat at the Birthplace of College Football.
When we got there last Friday we headed straight for our usual lot (which fortunately had been free of Parking Nazi interference so far this season). Sadly, we were stopped dead by one of these creatures (transcript reflects actual conversation or at least how we'd like to embellish it):
Us: Hi, we'd like to park in this completely empty parking lot which is very clearly marked as one in which we are allowed to park by virtue of our parking pass.
PN #1: Technically, we can't let you park here.
Us: (thinking) Technically - is this some sort of troll riddle that we have to solve to get in the lot?
(talking) What's the technicality?
PN #1: (stares blankly)
Us: Can't you just let us in since the lot is completely EMPTY and we're very clearly allowed to park here by virtue of our GODDAMN PARKING PASS.
PN #1: Nope, you have to park across the street in the lot which doesn't seem to have any tailgating space remaining. We can't let you in here until the other lot is completely full, which will be sometime in the next 5 minutes.
Us: So you can't just let us in?
PN #1: (walks away)
Us: THERE'S NO LOGIC BEHIND YOUR RULES!! (drives across and into the fuller lot)
PN #2: (standing in the middle of the road, waiving arms maniacally and pointing to the overly full portion in the middle of the pavement) Go That Way!
Us: But we don't want to park there, we're here to tailgate and parking in the middle of a crowded lot completely defeats the purpose.
PN #2: (continues to wave, ignoring our presence) Go That Way!
Us: (considers running the skinny fuck over but relents and turns left)
PN #3-6: (chanting as if in some type of trance) Come over here there's a sport for you where there's absolutely no room to do the one thing you can count on enjoying when you come to the game!!
With that, we weaved slalom-style through these morons and luckily managed to find the last suitable tailgate spot in the lot just in time to unpack and watch them open the other lot. Of course, since we hate confrontations and can't let things go, we spent the rest of the tailgate intermittently being annoyed by those bastards. The damn Parking Nazis ruined our day. Much like these guys:
1. Arian Foster, RB, Houston Texans;
Ok, so maybe the Giants Defense is actually kinda for real. One week after harassing the Bears into oblivion, they completely shut down the NFL's leading rusher, holding Foster to only 25 yards on 12 carries. Things got so bad for Foster that Sunday's announcers (Kenny, Moose and Goose) called for the Texans to bench Foster in favor of back-up Derrick Ward. Owners have rightfully relied on Arian for big games so far this season, making Sunday especially ruinous.
2. Hakeem Nicks, WR, New York Giants;
In that same game, we encountered one of the favorite themes of this column (other than its absurd length and uncomfortable focus on men's groins) - "Random Dudes Who Have Huge Games and Screw People." Nicks is making a habit of showing up on that list. In Week 1, Nicks burst onto the scene with 3 touchdown catches but after a pedestrian next two weeks we wrote the game off a a fluke. The last two weeks have made us reconsider that assessment. After an 8 catch, 110 yard performance against the Bears, Nicks set career highs in catches and yards with a dominant 12 catch, 130 yard, 2 TD day. With 3 huge games in 5 weeks, its time to move him off the random dudes list so he doesn't ruin the days of any more skeptical owners.
3. Brett Favre, QB, Minnesota Vikings;
No, he didn't send us picture of his junk (Favre Junk: Guaranteed to Ruin Your Day). Instead, Favre pulled out the rare feat of ruining the days of both his owners and their opponents. If your old and tired like us, you probably have trouble staying up past halftime of the Monday night game. If that was the case, you would have only witnessed Favre's limp first half performance (21 yards) and went to bed thinking that Favre's boner of a game had either cost you a win or helped you steal a game. Surely there was no f'in way he'd be able to perform in the second half after such a soft start. Of course, after some half-time manipulation, Favre rose to the occasion finishing with 3 TDs and almost leading the Vikes to victory (until, of course, he threw a typical Favre game-sealing pick) and finding a way to disappoint not just Vikings fans but everyone who slept soundly thinking they had won. Just another disappointing performance from The Gunslinger.
4. Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis Colts;
On the rare occasions that Peyton Manning doesn't throw a TD pass and under 300 yards, he ruins many a day. To be fair, he wasn't terrible and his real team won but its highly unlikely he lead any fake teams similarly. Thanks in part to his old nemesis Romeo Crennel's defense, Manning was harassed all game and looked uncharacteristically uncomfortable in the pocket with his wideouts unable to get separation. The result was a 244 yard, 1 interception stinker that landed Manning on the f-list for once.
5. Tomy Romo, QB, Dallas Cowboys & Phillip Rivers, QB, San Diego Chargers;
400+ yards each. 2+ TDs each. 0 wins each. Despite both of their highly-touted teams' holding sub-.500 records, Romo and Rivers have put up monster numbers, none better than Sunday. Not only did they ruin the days of anyone who faced them, but they earn a spot on the list for one simple reason - we hate them something fierce. Rivers is just so damn hateable, the piss-face look he always has on his dumb face, the incessant whining, the way he walks, his number (17? Seriously? Come on?). He always looks like he just ate a turd and wants nothing more than to breathe his turn breath all over your face. Romo's awfulness is more subtle - he's always smiling, dating famously unstable women, dodging sacks and wearing that stupid hat. When he's not busy doing those things he's praised as a great quaterback despite his inability to hold for a kick, win a playoff game, or not throw crippling interceptions. His hateability is almost Faverian. Even when they put up big games like Sunday, if you own these guys that fact alone should ruin your day.
6. Offense, Green Bay Packers;
For a team that was expected to contend for a Super Bowl spot on the strength of his offense, Sunday's performance must have been distressing. Take your time getting it together fellas, we'll be waiting, patiently, not at all freaking out that our fantasy picks are n the verge of becoming useless. Are we supposed to believe that a great offense could get shut down by the Washington Redskins? (they can't be good, can they?) Aaron Rodgers (Most Likely to Ascend to Top 5 QB Status, Calls of 2010) has been good but not great and will now miss at least one game with a concussion. JerMichael Finley, on the other hand, is apparently out for the season after knee surgery this week (joining Ryan Grant). Apparently our prediction that he'd be the next Antonio Gates was a bit premature (or just plain wrong). Greg Jennings has been nowhere (only 2 catches in each of his last 3 games) and doesn't even have injuries to blame. Finally, they can't run the ball worth a crap (don't be fooled by Brandon Jackson's 100 yard game, 71 of it came on one early carry). Time to snap out of it guys.
7. Malcolm Floyd, WR, San Diego Chargers;
Another guy on the "Random" list, Floyd exploded on Sunday. 8 catches, 213 yards, 1 TD. Not bad for a guy who played most of his career on special teams before this year. Depending on the ultimate resolution of Vincent Jackson situation (word is he's going to report but Floyd's performance can't help his leverage), Floyd seems on pace to crush his previous career highs in catches (45) and yards (776) even if he never duplicates Sunday's effort. We think both are likely.
8. Mercedes Lewis, TE, Jacksonville Jaguars;
Week 1's 2 TD game wasn't such a big deal because, given Lewis' non-existent past fantasy production, he couldn't have been in many people's line-ups. File that one under no harm, no foul. This week's 2 TD performance is another matter entirely. With the Bye weeks somebody was bound to have this scrub starting for their team and 2 TDs from your TE is the kind of thing that swings a week. That's the kind of thing that makes us hate fantasy football and the Mercedes "TD-Class" (that was awful but we couldn't resist).
9. Chad Ochocinco, WR, Cincinnati Bengals;
We still feel silly when we write that and Chad's probably feeling rather silly himself for thinking that there would be enough footballs to keep both he and TO happy. Five weeks into the season, its apparent to us that, for whatever reason - be it to keep him happy or simply because he's better - Owens has become the preferred target of Carson Palmer's non-intercepted throws. Ocho, despite his big week one effort, appears to be the odd man out averaging less than 4 catches and less than 40 yards a game with no TDs in the last 4 weeks. Oh yeah, and Cincy is still a run-first offense so things don't seem like they'll get much better.
10. Anquan Boldin, WR, Baltimore Ravens
Two weeks after posting a truly # 1 WR worthy 8 catch, 142 yard line, Boldin put up the stinker to end all stinkers with a 1 catch, 8 yard performance on Sunday against Denver. We love Boldin and though we never really expected a huge season, performances like this still have to sting.
This one comes from the normally-barren comments section of Dave White's movie reviews on the appropriately named Movies.com. Since, we here at the Persnickety Project (or PP for short) value quality over quantity this one comment from his "Secretariat" review is plenty.
White is the only movie reviewer we read and his write-up on "Secretariat" is his typical snarky stuff which he entitled "Kudos to you, rich white lady with the superhorse." His humor was apparently lost on "Tarzana Jane":
Tarzana Jane - 10-12-2010 9:19 PM "Rich white lady with the superhorse?" Dave the lame confused headed lost his credibility. What racial image disorder must you possess to inject this irrational statement. Do you hate your white skin? If, so speak mockingly of your self loathing."
You stupid, Us Confused. Maybe we shouldn't be so confused since it's completely obvious that Mr. White's attempt to use humor to convey his opinion that the movie's plot - which focuses on Secretariat's owner, who was, in fact, a wealthy Caucasian woman - was less than inspirational, served only as a veiled reference to his self-hating "racial image disorder" (pretty sure she made that one up). For the record, he probably only hates his white skin after he forgets the SPF 75.
"I had no idea either how this film would turn out, so Yes, Big suspense for me. I was praying this massive beautiful horse would not die in the last race, or break a leg. It turned out so well. This film was the finest I've seen this year, so emotionally satisfying. Why the three stars, less than average? This is 5 PLUS in my book, I feel great, and that's all that matters after a wonderful performance and storyline. Thank you Disney for this rare HIGH QUALITY treat. Amazing movie."
No idea how it would turn out, huh? Yeah we get it, the story of the most famous horse in the history of the world (ok, maybe second behind Mr. Ed) must have been really suspenseful. We would have been totally on the edge of our seats the whole time. Is there any semi-aware person who doesn't know how it ends? Seems like that's the kind of information which would have leaked out at some point in the ALMOST 30 YEARS since the events of the movie actually happened. Still, it must be awesome to be so oblivious, makes the end of every shitty telegraphed movie seem like the first time you saw "The Usual Suspects."
What happens when a 30-year old professional football player dates a 19-year old cheerleader? Hilarity, that's what.
Jacksonville Jaguars wide receiver Kassim Osgood had to leap out a second-floor window late Monday to escape a gun-wielding man who had attacked him and a 19-year-old Roar cheerleader he was visiting in a home on Fort Caroline Road.
We can only assume that the 6'5", 225 lb. professional athlete leapt from the window with his girlfriend in his arms and whisked her away to safety. This guy's a total hero. Maybe they forgot to mention it or they're saving it for later in the story. Yeah, that's totally it. No way he left the girl, right?
By the time it was over, police said the armed intruder had traded gunfire with the woman after sticking a gun to her head, saying, “What did that football player say to his girlfriend, 'It’s a good day to die,' ” misquoting ex-Florida Gator Chris Rainey’s recent text message to a former girlfriend.
First of all, how unoriginal is this guy. Can't he even come up with his own menacing catch-phrase. Secondly, if you're going to plagiarize a fellow domestic violencer, don't misquote the guy, that's just poor form. Finally, everyone knows the answer to the question "What did the football player say to his girlfriend" is "No way the kid's mine."
Mackenzie Rae Putnal and Osgood, 30, were watching television in a second-floor game room just before 11:15 p.m. when a man walked in with his face covered with a plastic bag and pointed a gun at them. Exclaiming that “I can’t believe you’re with that guy,” he pulled Putnal around the room by her hair and hit her with gun and fists before hitting Osgood in the head with the weapon too, the arrest report said.
Watching TV in the game room - sounds like an awesome date for 7th graders. Wonder if they played "Candy Land" or just stuck with "Shoots and Ladders"? Still, it's better to hang out with a juvenile board game player than someone dumb enough to break into a house with a plastic bag over his face. Not only is it unlikely to hide your identify, but it's kinda dangerous right? They probably could have just waited until he passed out from lack of oxygen.
When ordered to sit on the floor, Putnal escaped down a hall and leaped over the balcony to the floor below, the report said. The gunman ran after her, so Osgood jammed a chair under the game room door handle and jumped out a window to the lawn below, running to a neighbor’s house to call police.
And we thought Osgood was superman. Apparently, he's more like one of the characters from "Heroes." Instead of protecting his girl from the crazed, plastic bag covered, gunman, he locked the door, barricaded it with a chair (to ensure she couldn't get back in) and jumped out the window to safety leaving her to fend for herself.
Meanwhile, Bartletto and Putnal confronted each other downstairs with guns. The woman targeted him with her laser sight before both shot at each other and missed.
Fending accomplished. Nice work lady. But, who the hell has a laser sight gun? Did she escape from "Call of Duty" of something. We're still partial to the Derek Morgan flashlight gun but its not a bad play on her part.
Of course, this is just the type of story we love because it invites (begs for?) dumb comments. The Jacksonville.com readers certainly obliged.
Hell yeah!! By helloman1976 09/29/10 - 10:44 am Too bad she missed! I'll pay for her gun classes any day. Good for her. I wish more citizens would eradicate criminals, or at least attempt to, in this same manner. Come to my house, I dare you.
Hell Yeah!! Bring on the laser sighted guns!! It's a shame we don't have more citizens with high powered aiming devices leaping over balconies and exchanging inaccurate gun fire with attackers covered in plastic bags. Criminals be advised, if you're into that sort of thing, Helloman's house (you can find his address under "H" in the online white pages) is the place to go. He triple dog dares you. He also bets you won't put your tongue on the metal pole in December.
What other words of wisdom can we find?
Welcome to Jacksonville! By D.C. 09/29/10 - 12:49 pm Where this is an everyday occurrence. That's all some people in this town do everyday, is shoot, kill, rob, and murder. They aren't man enough to fight the old fashioned way. They even kill 14 year old children, and shoot little girls, because they don't have the guts to even get close enough to the person they really want to shoot. They shoot into a crowd not caring who they hit or kill. They think they won't get caught, when they always do. They're just too stupid too know any better, because they drop out of school before they learn anything. Of course, Kassim shouldn't have been messin' with his woman. That will get you killed for sure.
If this type of thing happens in Jacksonville everyday, maybe they should send Steven Segal there for Season 3 of "Lawman." Ratings bonanza!! D.C. apparently years for the days when real men would challenge each other to duels with with a slap in the face from a leather glove, the old fashioned way. These days, you date a woman and you get killed. What has this world come to?
If only we could find some witty comment to lighten the mood.
Wow...really? By revrodgers 09/29/10 - 12:58 pm Shorty strapped up and went at that clown while the big Jag player ran away...was the thug wearing a Eagles or Chargers jersey? OK, this isn't funny; someone could have lost their life but comeon! What kind of women are Jaguar players running after? I don't think I would have dated a lady with a laser-site equipped pistol. Maybe she should be on our O-line as she is the only person in Jacksonville that can protect a Jaguar. Lock and load Jaguars!
Nevermind, he's right, that's not funny at all.
Kassim By mattyjaxx06 09/29/10 - 01:23 pm Sounds like a great night for Mr. Osgood....."chillin', watching some tube with a cheerleader, until "Mr. A##hole" starts cutting in on your dance card. It always seems that way, you start getting comfy with your ladyfriend and some "dillweed" tries to kill you. Good thing he could make that "Zorro drop" from the second floor. Being "Mr. Football" comes in handy sometimes. Hopefully the JSO gave "psycho" the ole' "watch your head" rountine when they threw him in the back of the cop car. jaxxmatty06
That's right "MattyJaxx" or "JaxxMatty" of whatever the hell you call yourself you confused bastard. One question though, who or what exactly are you quoting?
Finally, when all else fails - blame the liberals.
A Daughter Like That..... By jumpster95 09/30/10 - 10:11 am Like I said before, I hope her father is not okay with this crap. For all you liberals out there, if there is one thing I respect about Islam is that the fathers of Muslim girls do not put up with this kind of "circus" with their daughters. Dad must be proud.
Damn liberals, they're totally cool with this type of stuff. Always buying there daughters laser sighted guns and encouraging them to date potentially violent guys and engage in firefights at the family home while wearing clown make-up and riding elephants. What a circus!
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