The Real Reason Why Old People Food Shop on Weekends

Finally we have an answer to the eternal question of why, despite not having to work all week, old people are always wandering around Shop Rite on a Saturday getting in your way as they try to figure out the unit price of yogurt with the coupon (or is it a double coupon this week?  They don't know).  We get it, your on a fixed income.  Just pick the one with the fruit in the bottom and move the hell on.  We have to get shit done so we can go home and take a nap.  Um..anyway, they're at the store enraging us is because they've been busy.  Doing it.  All the damn time, apparently.

Just check out the video.  It might look look funny to you.  But this is exactly how senior citizens have sex; on the floor, fully clothed and, on most occasions, sporting their best cruise attire.  And definitely with their shoes on.  No way their going to walk around in bear feet.  They might catch a cold.

Yes, your grandmother is still doing it.  And apparently she's spreading STDs faster than low bone density.  But a calcium supplement won't help.  The only thing that will help is education.  After learning so much from our elders over the years, its our turn to teach.  So, please, sit down with your Gram/Grammy/Grandma/Nanna/Nanny/Mima/Old Lady Poopy-Pants, or whatever you call her, and talk to her about the birds and the bees.  And the clap.  Explain that STDs are bad.  They they'll cause pain in urination, discharge, rashes, ulcers, dementia and other types of mind and body failure.  And that those things are only supposed to occur naturally or as side-effects of some prescription medicine.  The old lady needs to know that its not worth that type of suffering for a few seconds of pill-induced pleasure.  Even if it is the only pleasure she has left besides 'Wheel of Fortune."

And if after watching the video asks why they're dancing like that and tells you, yet again, about her time as a flapper during the "Roaring 20's."  There's a website.  Show it to her.  Of course, you'll probably have to sign her online.  And explain to her, yet again, how to use "The Google."  But your Sunday is already ruined with having this conversation anyway.  So you might as well go all in.  Spend the extra time (and while you're at it, send some messages from her long-dormant Facebook account that she'll never respond to.  Something like "Hi." or a comment on the word her granddaughter just played on Words.)

The website is full of important information on the "unique challenges, opportunities [we assume this means broken hips and heart attacks] and joy of sex and intimacy in our later years."  Hopefully we'll find that thought less gross when we reach our "later years."  Topics such as:

"Condoms:  Not as Difficult to Use as the Cable Box."  This section contains helpful icebreakers like "Your condoms or mine? Seriously, do you remember where we put them?" and "How many of these do you think we'll need tonight?"

How to make things really hot by "piling up the pillows to support your joints."  "You like that lumbar support don't you?!?"

And finally, "'Not Tonight' to 'Hot Tonight'" and, of course, "Lighting the Spark When You Have Prostate Cancer."  And so, so many more.

(No, we're not nearly clever enough to make either of those two up.)

So, act now.  and save the elderly from their loins.

The More You Know.

End of the World? What Kentucky's Victory Means for College Basketball

When we woke up tired last Tuesday after staying up entirely too late watching Kentucky beat Kansas in a game that was never as close as the score indicated, we expected the worst.  We expected the first National Championship for the almost universally hated John Calipari (if you believe the NCAA, it came in his first Final Four appearance) to lead to massive earthquakes, fiery rain and "Snooki for President" signs.  We expected the end of the world.  Or the end of college basketball at least.  But it didn't. The sun shined as much as it always does during a New Jersey April and we went to work just the same.  So what does Kentucky's victory, on the backs of another of Coach Cal's vaunted/reviled "one-and-done" classes, mean for the future of college basketball?

Nada.  Zip.  Naught.  Love.  Zilch.  Zip.  Smashing Pumpkins song.  Coke that doesn't taste quite like Coke.

Nothing.

While it is tempting to see this as a change in the way elite programs build their teams.  Just like we imagined the Heat would start a trend of player-GM's coalescing in major markets.  But that hasn't worked out exactly as planned.  And Coach K won't start recruiting groups of elite one year prospects, starting an arms race ending with something resembling the early 2000's AL East with a few teams dominating and everyone else just happy to be on the field (or the court in this case).  Kentucky's "system" isn't going to take hold and leave us with an even more defined upper class that "shares the best 25 players each year."      

Putting aside for a moment that fact that all of these elite programs already target and heavily recruit the one-and-doners.  And any team would have bent over backwards for a chance to sign one of both of Anthony Davis, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist or Marquis Teague, just like they did when they had chances at Carmelo Anthony, Greg Oden and Kevin Durant.  Even Duke (yes, Duke) happily recruited players guys like Kyrie Irving and Austin Rivers who they could not have expected to stay for any longer than a semester.  Even this year, Duke was in on this year's #2 prospect Shabazz Muhammad who could be a Top 5 draft pick in 2013.

The more important reason is that the demise of college hoops is overstated is because, quite simply, it doesn't work.  Expecting to win titles with 18-year old kids, no matter how talented, just doesn't work.  No, we haven't forgotten what happened last week.  But what made this year's UK squad so special was that they were just that - special.  The genius of Coach Cal's performance wasn't getting all that talent to campus. It was getting a group of teenagers, fresh out of high school to play together.  To not be distracted by their NBA dreams and imminent riches, and the effect that not getting enough shots could have on both, to defend, share the ball and compete at an elite level.  To play to win about all else.  That's nearly impossible.  Despite what we think we know, the most talented team doesn't always win in basketball.  The best Team does.  Especially in a single elimination tournament. (though sometimes this devolves into the hottest team).

For as talented as this year's team was (with the potential top two NBA draft picks as long as MKG shoots well in workouts and doesn't get passed by Beal, Robinson or Drummond), it's not like the talent was significantly better then the two prior versions.  Cal's first team featured 5 lottery picks (John Wall, DeMarcus Cousins, Eric Bledsoe, Daniel Orton and Patrick Patterson).  Just like this year, that team had the consensus #1 player  in John Wall and maybe the second most talented player in DeMarcus Cousins.  Despite that overwhelming talent and even with a veteran presence like Patrick Patterson, the team lost in the Elite 8.  The next year, while not as good, still featured top level recruits Brandon Knight, Terrance Jones and Deron Lamb and players such as Darius Miller, DeAndre Liggins and Josh Harrelson (Jones, Lamb and Miller all formed major pats of the core of this year's team) and managed to reach the Final Four.

Both teams were successful but neither could execute enough when it counted.  Kentucky needed two transcendent freshman and a bunch of excellent complimentary parts to do what they did.  So enjoy it, don't lament it, it's something we're unlikely to see again for awhile.   

The more interesting question is where this team fits in the hierarchy of the best title squads from the last decade or so.  After all is said and done, we might look back I'm amazement at how Davis/MKG/Jones/Teague all shared a college court together.  But from a pure college prospective as it stands now, we can think of four teams on their level.

2001 Duke 

Key Players:  Jay Williams, Shane Battier, Carlos Boozer, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Nate James, Chris Duhon

Breakdown;  Kentucky's advantage lies with Davis and MKG over James and Boozer (particularly in the college game) but we'd much rather have the college versions of Battier, Williams and Dunleavy over Jones/Teague/Lamb.

Edge:  Duke, barely.

2004 North Carolina

Key Players:  Sean May, Rashad McCants, Jawad Williams, Raymond Felton, Jackie Manuel, Marvin Williams

Breakdown:  May was a double-double machine and the UNC starting five were the darlings of their time.  But Davis' size and agility would be too much for them, just like it was for everyone this year.  MKG  takes McCants out of the game on the wing and UNC can't score enough to win.

Edge:  Kentucky by 8.

2006-2007 Florida

Key Players:  Joakim Noah, Al Horford, Corey Brewer, Lee Humphrey, Taurean

Breakdown:  This game would be epic.  The back-to-back champs had the continuity and togetherness of Kentucky but with an extra year or two of experience.  The front lines play to a standstill with each guy feeling like he's looking at a bizarro version of himself.  In a game decided by the backcourts, Doron Lamb could be the difference.

Edge:  Push.

2008 North Carolina 

Key Players:  Tyler Hansbrough, Wayne Ellington, Ty Lawson, Danny Green, Deon Thompson, Ed Davis

Breakdown:  Hanbrough was fantastic in leading UNC to the title and Ty Lawson has proved to be underrated.  But even if Lawson controlled the tempo, Jones would guard Psycho T while Davis lurked behind looking for swats.  Unless his kamikaze style could get them both in early foul trouble, UNC would be in trouble.

Edge:  Kentucky by 8.

Kentucky was a fun team to watch, one that made even the biggest UK or Coach Cal haters give respect.  They played hard, played to win and did everything that the purists want a team to do (except, we guess, be 21 years old).  And that's how they'll be remembered.  Not quite the best.  And certainly not the end of the sport.

Stupid Commenter Beatdown - Winning the Lottery Doesn't Turn You Into An Ass, Talking About What You'd Do If You Won Does

Symptoms of "Lottery Fever" include
 extreme depression when you never,
ever, fucking win.

Lottery fever hit us all last week.  The time when we collectively decide that the amount of money at stake so obscene that it demands our attention; as if $50m wasn't worth our time and takes a half-a-billion to get our attention.  When someone in our offices goes around collecting money for a ticket pool.  And everyone buys in to ensure they aren't the only person left at the office if the group wins.  And we all use the calculator program on our phone or computer (because nobody can actually do math) to find out how much  our cut would be, get greedy, and buy our own personal tickets.  And then we root like hell for those tickets to win because, you know, fuck everyone else.  

But more importantly than that, we all get to talk about what we'd do if we won.  And it makes us all sound ridiculous.  Most would do one of the same five things.  Go on vacation.  Buy a house or a car.  Pay your bills.  Blow it on coke.  Others get all altruistic and smart.  They'd start a foundation or a charity.  Or invest   it.  Or give two weeks notice.  Some claim they wouldn't change a thing.  Well, those people are way better than we are.  We'd quit before Yolanda Vega finished saying the last number, drop $10k on our boss' desk to ensure our work doesn't even up falling to the people we dislike the least, and immediately begin the life we were meant to lead as a "Man of Leisure."  And then eventually get bored and start doing weird things like journeying to the bottom of the ocean.  Or completing a collection of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toys (and punching Michael Bay in the face).  We'd live the glorious life of a weird rich person.

That's our idea.  But there are so many others that NJ.com had to post not one but two stories about it.  HIGHLIGHTS!!

Buy a yacht. Travel the world. Feed the homeless.  What one can do with a dollar and a dream.

Quit your job.  Purchase a question mark?  Seriously.  Quit.  Your.  Job.

And NBA rookie Chris Singleton, who plays for the Washington Wizards, said on his Twitter page he was going to spend $10,000 on the lottery game and "cross his fingers."

Hey Chris.  Hate you shit on your dreams and all.  But YOU ALREADY WON THE FUCKING LOTTERY.  Twice.  Millions and millions of people work all their lives to play in the NBA but don't have the physical skills.  But you won the genetic lottery and ended up a 6'8" superhuman.  And the, out of the thousands of people with comparable physical skills, you're still one of the few who get a $3m contract.  Uncross your fingers and work on your jumpshot.  Jackass.

All of Thursday’s cash, excitement and sales over the national lottery pushed the jackpot from $500 million to $540 million — the largest lottery jackpot in the world, said Judith Drucker, a spokeswoman for the New Jersey State Lottery. The jackpot jumped to a record $640 million around noon today.

We interrupt this snark for a brief moment of sincerity:  Holy shit that's a lot of money.

Barry Caraway, 65, of Newark was one who upped sales by buying one ticket.

"It’s so high," Caraway said of the jackpot. "And I figured, why not take a dollar chance."

Caraway said he would pay off his bills and buy a ship, that he’ll call "Freedom," if he wins.  "That way I could travel all around the world and do good," he said as he walked out of New Alicea Supermarket on Broad Street with a single ticket tucked in his hand. "With $500 million, you could probably try."

Ah, yes.  The good ship Freedom.  Traveling the world and doing ... good!  Delivering much needed things like fruit snacks and jealousy.  But only to those people who live near the beaches or marinas that can accommodate a massive mega-millions yacht.  Who are probably doing okay anyway.  If Barry's parents had only bought him that captain's hat he wanted for his 5th birthday.  If he doesn't win the lottery, he could probably still afford the board game.  It's Kafkaesque!!

Erika Hegelheimer, who works at a 7-Eleven on Bloomfield Avenue in Bloomfield, said the high jackpot has drawn people who don’t normally play the lottery.  "Suddenly, there’s all these possibilities available," said Hegelheimer, adding a half-billion dollars "is a little hard to resist."

Especially when your job prospects involve working at a place with a cleaning policy of Never-Never, and serves  "fresh food" on hot rollers and bad Icees in leftover "Legend of the Guardians:  The Owls of Ga'Hoole" cups.

Laura Modesto of Elizabeth said it was so hard to resist that she can’t stop buying tickets. As of Thursday, Modesto, who works at a diner in Linden, had eight tucked away in her car.  "I wanna be rich," she said of her purchases. "I’m going to share it with everybody, build my dream house and (have) a better future for my daughter."

There are likely better ways to bold a future for your children than playing a one-in-a-gazillion chance.  Just saying.

Andrzej Oczkos, 55, of North Arlington bought 175 tickets at a Leprechaun News in Rutherford, where it’s advertised that a ticket for one of the largest Mega Millions jackpots was sold there. He said he and 33 of his coworkers put in about $5 each.  "You never know," said Oczkos, a mechanic at a plant that manufactures beverages in Carteret. "A dollar makes a dream."

Maybe you do never know.  But what we are sure about it that she got the phrase wrong. 

Oczkos said if he doesn't win, then he'll still be working his mechanic job at a plant that manufactures soda and tea in Carteret. But if he wins, he may not come in on Monday.  "If I win, I'll quit the job," he said.

Breaking News:  People Who Win Lottery May Not Continue to Work in Manual Labor

"If you don’t win today, you might win tomorrow," said Esther Harris of Elizabeth after buying three Mega Millions tickets at her area 7-Eleven, on South Elmora Avenue in the city ... "You get caught up in the excitement," she said. "You watch the drawing and share in other people’s excitement. Once the numbers are drawn, they might not be so happy, but tomorrow’s another day too."

This woman's optimism is depressing.  

Nick, who asked not to give his last name, said he usually buys tickets with guys at work, but today he came by Cafe Clair to pick one up for himself.  Nick gave a get-serious look when asked if he thinks he'll win the jackpot.  "No," he said flatly. "But it gives me some hope."

Now, that's more like it!  There is nothing better than the soul-crushing "hope" of someone desperate to be freed of their mediocre life though the lottery.

Had enough?  Too bad.  Our faithful commenters must be heard.

Real

Good luck and hopefully people don't go crazy by blowing their life savings over this Mega Millions Jackpot!

That is sooo Real.

learn3drive

If I won, I would set up many endowment funds to help support various non-profits which benefit mankind...you know, instead of buying silly things like luxury SUV's and televisions and obnoxious houses.

Liar.  That's the kind of story you tell people to make yourself look good when in reality you'd buy a big house, hoard your money and become a recluse separated from the rest of mankind by your great wealth, unable to relate to other people.  That doesn't actually sound kind of awesome.

dollz

I WOULD PAY OFF MY KIDS COLLEGE LOANS OFF ALSO, GIVE ALL KIDS MONEY AND HOMES, GIVE MY MOM WHATEVER HER HEART DESIRES. ALSO GIVE TO MY BROTHERS, SISTER, NIECES AND NEPHEWS, BUT IF ANY OF THEM ARE YOUNG, THEY MUST GO TO COLLEGE OR A SCHOOL FOR A HIGHER EDUCATION BEFORE THEY CAN HAVE ANY MONEY. COLLEGE PAID BY ME SO NO EXCUSES . ALSO ANYONE WHO DO NOT WORK AND ARE ABLE BODY AND YOUNG ENOUGH,. YOU HAVE TO FIND A JOB, I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS. AS LONG AS IT'S LEGAL.I'D GIVE MONTHLY CHECKS, BUT YOU QUIT, IT STOPS. AND THEN I'D GIVE TO MY CHURCH. AND FOR ME, I'D MOVE OUT OF STATE, BUILD BY WATER, TRAVEL , GET A CAR, AND SIT BACK AND ENJOY MY LIFE

AND BUY A NEW KEYBOARD WITH AN UNSTUCK SHIFT KEY.

jerseyguy

It is all astronomical luck and most players know that, it is pretty hard to to avoid. You need a hook in the water to catch a fish and yes sometimes lightning is caught in a bottle! Bring on those winning numbers....

After all, a dollar does make a dream.

202Ohojo

If I hit the jackpot I would buy a mansion and hire George Zimmerman as head of my security.


That's raycess.  

realpatriot7

I'm the richest man in the world. I don't make much money but I love waking up everyday, enjoy my job, have a great family, and I save enough money to go on a couple of short vacations every year to Florida or someplace else inside the country. I see people get off the subway everyday looking like zombies, anxiously waiting for the weekend to arrive. I enjoy everyday of my life. I tell all the younger generations to get find a job in something they would actually ENJOY doing. Forget about how much it pays.  

I have no wish to win the Lottery.

And we've made our point.