"On May 21, 2011, The Dirtiest Player in the Game will rule once again, baby!!"
Bob James was certain it would never come to this. On May 23, 2011, he received a certified letter from his mortgage holder, Bank of America, telling him that his house was being foreclosed on. It sounds like a familiar story about a victim of the housing bubble or predatory lending. But it's not. James was the victim of something different - Judgment Day.
As one of the key members of a movement aimed at convincing non-believers that this past Saturday, May 21, 2011, would bring about the end of the world, James simply stopped paying his mortgage six months ago.
"It's not like a took this decision on faith." he said. "I did my research. I knew that you got about 6 months before the bank would foreclose. So I stopped making payments right before what was supposed to be my last Thanksgiving. I sure as heck wasn't going to give those bastards any more money than I had to." he said.
"I was pretty certain I wouldn't be here today. Figured I'd be up in the clouds, wearing a white robe and hanging out with Bob Hope and Elvis and The Ultimate Warrior. And no, I don't mean that metaphorically." he continued.
"It was weird. All of us, the people behind the billboards and everything, we all thought we'd get sucked up to heaven and raptured, just like the Simpsons episode. But, somehow, we're all still around. The only person missing is Oprah. What the heck happened to her?"
Oprah's representatives confirmed that she was, indeed, not raptured and is appearing on her new network that nobody watches. They would not confirm, however, that the TV star does not believe she will be the one doing the rapturing.
Despite his apparent misstep, James believes he did the right thing.
"So maybe it didn't happen, but seven billion people were going to die. I couldn't just sit on my couch watching the '700 Club' and eating Ritz crackers." says James, who viewed the billboards as a message of hope. "What else was I supposed to do? I love men ... err .. I mean man. I love my fellow man. Yeah, that's what I meant to say. Definitely not that other thing, that's why we're here in the first place."
So why not, now that the rapture hasn't happened, just fix his mistake?
"Well, it wasn't just the mortgage. I'm up to my ears in debt. It was car payments, credit card bills. I even let my subscription to Readers Digest. I'm lost without "Humor in Uniform."
So where is all the money?
"I spent it all on billboards. Or at least that's what Mr. Camping told me, the money was for."
Mr. Camping is the 89-year old Harold Camping the head of a California radio station who first predicted the end of the world in 1994.
"Everybody makes mistakes, right? He just seemed so certain about it this time." James responded when asked whether someone should really get two chances to predict the end of the world.
"I mean, it's right there in the Bible. The world will end in 7 days, 7 days equals 7,000 years. Square root of pi, carry the 1 and it's plain as day - May 21, 2011." said James showing creative math skills.
Although the May 21 prediction is widely dismissed, even mocked, Camping’s followers, like James, see validation in that reaction. After all, they say, Noah met nothing but skepticism when building his ark.
"It probably wasn’t even raining at that time while Noah was building the ark. People were probably scoffing at him while he cleaned up all that animal dung. Do you have any idea how much poop an Elephant makes in a day? Multiply that by like a million and you'll see what Noah was dealing with. Anyway, imagine how silly all those people felt without their bathing suits on when the flood came." says Joe Gullible, a 39-year-old father of six who is crazy. "It's the same thing, only this time they'll be without our their spiritual bathing suits drowning in their sins. And they'll all die. All, the scoffing, scofferers, will die, I tell you. They'll die!!!!!"
In summary: Poop. Scoff. Death.
Bank of America is expected to commence foreclosure proceedings this week which, given the backlog of foreclosure complaints in the State, should have James without his home three days before the world ends.
When asked how things could have gone so contrary to his beliefs, James remained dumbfounded.
"I mean everything else in there was true. Adam & Eve, The Great Flood, Zombies. I figured I couldn't go wrong."
1. Flush toilet with foot or not at all. Listen carefully to determine if you are alone.
2. If you are alone. Skip to Step 10.
3. If you are not alone. Walk over to sink.
4. Turn on faucet. Let faucet run for at least 20 seconds or until you've sufficiently convinced anyone around that you have actually wet your hands.
5. Pretend to wash hands thoroughly, paying special attention to how you are being perceived. Under no circumstances should your hands ever become wet during this process.
6. Turn off faucet with fingertips only. That shit is dirty.
7. Step to paper towel holder or, if applicable, hand dryer.
8. Take paper towel from roll or turn on hand dryer. Wait 3 seconds.
9. Discard unused paper towel in trash receptacle.
The Mets beat Josh Johnson last night. Seriously, it happened. Look it up. Sure they didn't exactly "beat" him as much as "win a game in which he pitched." And maybe they had to literally hit him with baseballs in the hand to get him out of the game. But, still, a win is a win. And in Queens, these days, that one was monumental. So it's exciting times at Citi Field. The Mets are ... Wright and Reyes have ... How bout that ... oh forget it. The Mets stink.
Even with the win, they're mired in last place in the NL East, 6.5 games out of first, 5.5 games out of the Wild Card and even a game behind the Washington F'n Nationals, a team that has celebrated its move to our nation's capital with back-to-back #1 overall draft picks. The team's best active starting pitcher (as opposed to the one on the DL with no elbow or the one on the DL with no shoulder) sports an ERA of 4.78, a mere 3.14 runs behind the league leader and it's fading closer stands to make $17.5m for finishing 50 games, leaving the team awkwardly hoping NOT to win many close games. To add to the misery, the best overall position players on the roster are, in no particular order: (1) out with a broken back (presumably from hauling around the expectations of all 15 remaining Mets fans); (2) without the functional knees; (3) about to be traded; (5) apparently still concussed; and (4) named Ike. Oh yeah, the team is also being sued for ohhh, something like $1 billion for ownership's "role" in the Madoff scandal.
(Quick note on the Madoff thing. We're not saying that Wilpon and Katz knew that Madoff was a fraud but anyone who managed to accumulate enough wealth through your business acumen to buy a BASEBALL team in New York City and then started receiving 20% returns on their hedge fund investments, well ... they fucking knew. Maybe they didn't know exactly how it was happening but they knew something wasn't right. And now they have the balls to want to keep the money they "withdrew." Guess, what, it's not your money. You didn't get a return on your investment. It's stolen from someone else who didn't act fast enough. like you did. So give it back. Assholes.)
All those things are bad. And they all deserve a spot on the list. But none of them is Reason 4,723. That spot is reserved for the most reviled of players in Mets franchise history - Roberto Martin Antonio Bonilla. His friends called him "Bobby." Mets fans (none of which would ever be confused with friends) called him "Dickhead." Why dredge up such bad memories, now? Well, we received word from one of our Philly fan friends (who no doubt wanted to torture us) that ol' Bob-O was about to start collecting $30m in deferred salary from his days with the Mets. Yes, that's right. The Mets are playing one of the most disappointing players, in a long history of disappointing players, to ever don the orange and blue $30m over the next 25 years.
Our first baseball memories are from the magical season of 1986. We vaguely recall watching the Mets win the World Series on our tiny black and white tv as we fell asleep. Whether this actually happened or we just made it up, that, and the fact that the team boasted plays with kid-friendly names like Doc, Strawberry and Mookie, and that was enough to make our six year old ass a Mets fan. The memories we are sure we actually do have began with a shocking loss to the Dodgers in 1988 and the subsequent series of moves that doomed both the franchise and any chance we had of actually loving baseball. At the top of that list stands, defiantly and rotundly, Bobby Bonilla. Maybe Hubie Brooks was worse on the field. And maybe Vince Coleman was worse off it. But nobody seemed embodied all that was wrong about the Mets than Bobby-Bo, a guy who just really didn't seem to give a shit.
And why should he have. After few excellent seasons teamed with Barry Bonds (in his normal head-size era) he came to New York and was showered with a, huge at the time, 5 year, $29 million dollar deal. It's been said that money changes people. But it really doesn't, it only magnifies their best or worst traits. Bonilla was a bad guy in Pittsburgh, allegedly assaulting a clubhouse attendant because he wouldn't segregate the Bonilla family from the commoners in the stands. In New York, the rich Bonilla was even more of a problem, threatening to show Bob Klapisch "the Bronx", complaining to the scorer about being charged with errors and just generally being a problem. His underwhelming, but not disastrous, combined .267, 73 homeruns (including a career-high 34) and 224 RBIs didn't help so, in the midst of his best season (hitting .325 with 18 home runs and 53 RBIs in 80 games) the Mets took their first, best opportunity and moved him, just to get away from the stink. In proof that the universe is screwed up, he went on to have an excellent season in Baltimore and, disgustingly, win a World Series with the rent-a-team Florida Marlins. If that was the end of the story, it would have been fine. But, of course, since they're the Mets, it wasn't.
No, in 1999, during the pennant race, the Mets thought it prudent to go out and reaquire the man who had once laid waste to their fair clubhouse. Not surprisingly, he fought with manager Bobby Valentine's and ended his tenure with a bang by playing cards in the clubhouse as the Mets were eliminated from the playoffs by the hated Atlanta Braves. After that little card game, the Mets rightfully released Bonilla and the rest of his career passed without incident with his most enduring accomplishment being injured as a Cardinal and replaced by an unheralded rookie named Albert Pujols.
Again, if that was the end, it would barely be worth discussion. He would have faded off into bolivian. But because they are still the Mets it, or course, isn't. You see, instead of just paying him the $5.9m they owed Bonilla when they released him, the Mets decided to defer it. For 11 years. Anyone who's ever had a credit card or owed the Mob money knows when you defer making payments, it grows. A lot. So that $5.9m, it's now $30m. And the Mets, who can't afford to keep ownership of the team or players like Jose Reyes, will be paying almost $2m a year to Bonilla until 2035 as an eternal reminder of their ineptitude.
That, friends, is Reason 4,723 why it sucks to be a Mets fan.
From what we’ve read on Wikipedia, Tom Cruise once said “Everything ends badly, otherwise it wouldn’t end." Since we strive to live our life in accordance with the teachings of bad 80’s movies that glorify bartending and introduce us to the Stamos-infused Beach Boys, we’ll assume, for the most part, that's true. But sometimes things don’t end badly. Sometimes they end worse, with a supposedly proud champion (because how can you survive the grind of back-to-back titles without some semblance of pride?) disintegrating on a warm Mother’s Day afternoon.
Unless you're one of those fans who lack sports integrity and root for a team like the Lakers (or Cowboys) it was inspiring watching a three-peat and the ultimate validation of Kobe’s greatness (tying MJ with 6 rings) fall in a hail of three-pointers from a team that earned the rightful reputation as the biggest NBA playoff chokers of this era. It was both unlikely and predictable.
Earth's Mightiest Heroes
For us, the series played like what we’d expect from the "Avengers." The big bad guy - in this instance Kobe and the Lakers - seemed destined to win having already defeated each of the heroes with ease. You had Jason Kidd (Captain America) a star from an earlier era who's championship aspirations were annihilated by the Lakers. Shawn Marion (Thor) a star of teams that had great sucess, including beating L.A., but were never ready for the crown. Peja Stojakovic (Hawkeye), a member the great Kings teams that lost three consecutive series to the Lakers (including the robbery of 2002) and a deadeye shooter who'd lost his way. And finally, Dirk (Iron Man) a man haunted by past failures only highlighted by, despite being the star of one of the dominant regular season teams of the decade, never once managed to even face the Kobe in a playoff series. Only this time, the heroes got better and teamed-up (with Tyson Chandler as The Hulk and JJ Barea as Ant-Man, of course) against a common enemy. Kidd modernized his game by learning how to shoot. Marion learned humility after being cast out of the playoff contention. Peja came back from obscurity and regained his marksmanship. And Dirk put his past failures behind him and emerged a stronger, better player when given his second chance. And, of course, this time they won.
Boooo Lakers!!
But the story really is all about the villain. In defeat, the Lakers showed themselves to truly be the heel with flagrant fouls (including one of the dirtiest plays we’ve ever seen by Andrew Bynum) and talk of distractions and lack of trust. If you watched (or listened) closely, you could see it coming. It began with (who else?) Kobe. (Disclaimer: We’re certainly Kobe haters. And not in the colloquial way. No we really hate him. We hate the way, as a high school player, he forced himself to L.A. We hated his lack of respect for Shaq and Phil. We hate that he’s a phoney and a ballhog. And, more than everything else, we hate that he’s compared to Jordan.) After a Game 3 win over the Hornets, His Assness reminded everyone that, in case you had forgotten, he was a “scorer” and “would continue to do what he does” rather than focus on passing and defending and all that other pesky crap. And with that we knew they were sunk. The undeniable chemistry the team once had on the court disappated as Kobe's trust issues (often manifest in field goal attempts) reared their ugly heads. Maybe Kobe saw the ship sinking so, to mix unrelated metaphors, he pulled the reins even harder. Whatever the case, by the time Bynum stepped out and confirmed the lingering trust issues after Game 2 against the Mavs, it was already too late. All champions lose eventually. But it's not supposed to be that way.
A Change Is Gonna Come
So the Mavs march on into the unknown as a favorite and try to win a title. The Lakers on the other hand, march into something even worse – Change. Teams that experience such epic failures can't be kept together. And with these Lakers there's little reason to suspect that next year would be any different, particularly as Kobe continues to age ungracefully. So what do they do? The greatest coach in NBA history is walking away. They have no cap room and the only assets they have come from a core of made up of an untradeable guard (Kobe), two forwards with varying degrees of insanity (Odom and Artest), a center fresh off a series in which every single one of his flaws were exposed (Gasol) and a 24 year old man-child apparently auditioning to face the Rock at Summer Slam (Bynum). And, oh yeah, their collective tank-job just embarrassed one of the league’s most storied franchises and left greats like Magic and Worthy tripping over themselves to create some distance. When you look at it that way, your left with the inescapable conclusion that somebody important has to go. So who is it?
Who Goes?
Since Kobe’s out and Artest is unwanted, the Lakers have the option of moving one of these three if they want real value in return:
Lamar Odom: Trade him because … despite being the 6th Man of the Year, the Lakers can’t play their five best players together and he’s the most expendable. While he can score and rebound, he’s proven throughout his career that he can’t be totally relied upon in big games. He’s married to the fat Kardashian.
Keep him because … his versatility is unique as is his flexibility in fitting his game to play with either Gasol or Bynum as well as being comfortable deferring to Kobe. He might be worth more to the Lakers than any other team.
Andrew Bynum: Trade him because … despite his potential, he’s brittle and still relatively unproven having never played more than 65 games or averaged 30 mpg, 15 points or 9 boards in a season. He’s somewhat immature and would win “Most Likely to Rebel Against Kobe” in the Laker Superlatives. His upside means his trade value may never be higher.
Keep him because … he’s 23 years old, 7 feet tall and can score, defend and rebound, meaning his one of like 10 guys on the planet who can do that. He could be on the verge of developing into a Franchise Guy and, if he did, he’d be the logical successor to Kobe in keeping the championship cycle going. Given a starter’s allotment of minutes he would have averaged 14 and 12 on only 10 shots. He was drafted and developed by the organization and ownership loves him. Did we mention he’s only 23 year old?
Pau Gasol: Trade him because … after a series in which he averaged 13/8, he may have lost Kobe’s trust for good. For all his skill, he’s still relatively soft for a 7-footer. His status in the league could net the Lakers serious assets on the trade market.
Keep him because … he’s still one of the Top 15 players in the league. He’s displayed an ability to blend almost seamlessly with any line-up the Lakers put together and is comfortable deferring to both Kobe and Bynum. On a team of ball stoppers, his passing keeps everyone involved. His 19 points and 18 rebounds in Game 7 last season essentially won the Lakers a title and pulled a MIB-level trick of making us all forget Kobe’s 6 for 24.
So who goes? Pau. He’ll be the fall guy. He's older than Bynum and, despite the championships, his organizational ties are weaker. Plus, he could bring back some serious piecesas they try for another, final Kobe-lead run.
So what kinds of deals could they expect? Let’s take a look:
With the exception of the lockout, this will be the “Summer of D-Ho” (think that will catch on?) and we write more on that later, but the Lakers first call has to Orlando. It won’t be easy to pry away one of the best 3 players in the league particularly when L.A. doesn’t have the combination of young, cheap players and cap relief the Magic would likely covet. BUT if they view Bynum as a Franchise Guy, they’d have to at least consider a package with him at the center, particularly if they can shed Hedo’s awful deal at the same time.
Obviously, the Lakers would jump at the chance to form a “Big 3” of Howard, Kobe and Gasol flanked by Hedo and Blake/Fisher/Brown – you could argue they’d fit better together than Miami and the contrast of styles would be fascinating – to jimmy open Kobe’s championship window for another 4-5 years. That’s a scary proposition for the rest of the league.
This would allow the Magic to rid themselves of almost all of their awful contracts (they have a ton of them) including Arenas, the proverbial immovable object, while taking back some more marketable assets and a buyout candidate in Fisher. If that’s the price to pay for Howard, you have to do it, even if Arenas gives you nothing for $17m a year.
The Bonus: Mikan, Wilt, Kareem, Shaq and Howard. As disgusting as it sounds, it kinda makes sense, doesn’t it?
You can argue all you want about his knee and the potential fit with Kobe but if the Lakers could find a way to add Paul - when healthy one of the best pure points ever - they’d be giddy knowing that adding Paul will maximize whatever Kobe has left and find Gasol’s true ceiling. Okafor has limitations (scoring, to name one) but he can board, play defense and would cover some of Pau’s deficiencies. This is probably the second best deal out there for L.A.
For the Hornets, if they’re going to lose CP3, they could do worse than getting a young, potentially dominant center to try and build around and unload Emeka’s atrocious contract.
Memphis probably says no but they shouldn’t. As we wrote last week, Z-Bo is a time bomb who they just paid a ton of money. It seems weird to consider trading away one of the playoff MVPs but if you could move him and get back Gasol, you have to do it. Losing Gay would sting but he’s wildly overpaid and it would free the Grizz up to resign Battier and come back next year with a solid, stable core of guys.
For the Lakers, getting Z-Bo would certainly qualify as shaking things up and, for all his faults, he’s an elite low post scorer and rebounder. Gay is exactly the type of athletic, wing scorer Kobe needs these days. Not the sizzle of adding Howard or Paul but a great basketball move nonetheless.
Bonus: A Gasol/Gasol front line with the potential to become an uglier version of the Wonder Twins. "In the shape of a fatter version of Pau!! In the form of a softer version of Marc!!"
While they’d probably rather everyone just stopped with all the Gay stuff, Memphis could feel compelled to move Rudy in light of their late season run without him. But if the Lakers could make this offer and get a “yes”, they’d take it in a heartbeat. For all that Odom does, as we said before, Gay would be a nice compliment to Kobe and would allow the Lakers to keep their starting front line intact. One of the few peripheral moves that could make a real difference.
Bonus: Gay in L.A. just seems like a natural (though immoral) fit.
Is adding Josh Smith’s athleticism and Hinrich’s perimeter defense enough to offset the loss of Gasol? Probably not but, beyond the easy trades, these are the types of risks they’ll have to take. Still, Smith is a super-athletic shot blocker and rebounder who attacks the rim and can play defense. Though not ideal a Bynum/Odom/Smith front line could work and starting either Smith or Odom at the 4 would allow them to play more up-tempo. With Bynum playing starter minutes, the remaining 10-12 scraps could go to a Joe Smith-type without much pain. Hinrich is a solid point who can should at least be able to better defend guys like Chris Paul and JJ Barea.
Atlanta would take about 2.3 seconds to accept the chance to compliment budding, rugged Al Horford with Gasol while ridding themselves of the moody Smith and opening up minutes for Teague. They’d immediately go from sneaky head-case to sneaky contender. A starting five of Teague, Johnson, Williams, Horford and Gasol would be tough for anyone to deal with.
Bonus: Atlanta gets to make up for stupidly trading Gasol’s rights for Shareef Abdur-Rahim and Jamaal Tinsely. Artest, Odom and J-Smoove debut their new reality show “The Headcase Forwards of L.A. County.”
Granger is a nice player but he’s not quite the Superstar people thought he might be but he fits the bill as a complimentary perimeter scorer and has some of the same versatility as Odom (though he’s a lesser rebounder). Getting either Hibbert or Psycho T would help offset Gasol’s absence. Hibbert is a young and intriguing, yet painfully awkward, center who can score around the basket and Hansbrough does all the things he did in college but wasn’t supposed to be able to do in the pros.
Pacers, who are finally on the upswing after the Artest/Jackson/O’Neal era, would jump to add Pau and take a shot at replacing Granger’s scoring in free agency (they could take on a bad contract like Walton’s with their cap space if the Lakers pushed). A core of Collison, George, T, Gasol and someone like Thaddeus Young/Wilson Chandler/Jason Richardson could put them in contention for a Top 4 seed in the East.
Bonus: Indiana re-living Hoosiers with Gasol next to Hansbrough until they realize he’s a Spaniard.
The Sixers would love to move Iguodala, who was apparently is too busy to talk to his coach and general manager after the season, and free up time and shots for last year’s #2 pick, Evan Turner. Giving Turner more minutes, adding Artest’s edge and replacing Spencer Hawes with far superior version of himself and the Sixers go from a team that loses to Miami in the first round to one that loses to Miami in the second round.
For the Lakers Iggy fulfills his destiny to be somebody’s Pippen. Next to Kobe he’d defend the opponents best perimeter scorer, carry the secondary scoring load and generally do all the things he did for Team USA. Nocioni runs around a lot like and Speights is what happens when you give a talented big man a lobotomy.
Bonus: Enjoying the inevitability of Philly fans falling madly in love with Artest while simultaneously hating the far superior Gasol because he’s “soft.”
This would be one of those poo-poo platter trades. The mere fact that they rarely work out for anyone doesn’t stop teams from making them so that won’t stop us from … faking them? Anyway, the Lakers would get 3 young intriguing players that seem unlikely to become Superstars and two bad contracts. DeRozan is an athletic wing who can score but doesn’t so much else (like a less well-rounded Vince Carter). Bayless is a quick scoring point and Davis is a raw rebounder/shot blocker. None of them would seem poised to contribute on the big stage immediately so it would, along with Bynum, usher (OMG) in a youth movement the team would hope paid off before Kobe walked away.
For the Raptors they get to try where they failed with Bosh. A Gasol/Bargniani front line would be the softest the league has seen since Bosh/Bargnani but those guys and Calderon would at least be able to score.
Bonus: Reuniting Calderon and Gasol, teammates on the Spanish national team, gets Toronto one step closer to competing in the Euroleague.
This would be the classic panic trade with the Lakers jettisoning their talented big man for a one-dimensional scorer coming off a career season. It’s like a throwback to a time when PPG meant everything. If the Lakers feel they’re stout enough up front, particularly with the addition of Biendris (a low-skill rebounder/shot-blocker) maybe they talk themselves into trading size for scoring punch.
If Golden State could pull off this heist they’d have their own version of the 2000-era Kings with Lee, Gasol and Steph Curry doing pretty things on offense and ugly things on defense.
Bonus: Watching Kobe and Monte literally fighting over the ball. Seeing what Steph can really do when it’s his team.
Even better for the Lakers since Udoh is a young, athletic shot blocker on a rookie contract who could replace a lot of what Bynum gave them while still getting the “benefit” of Ellis’ scoring.
Another panic trade that would bandage up two of the Lakers glaring holes – perimiter defense and interior energy. Harris is a good player and defender but inconsistent. Millsap is a beast but undersized. Not enough for Pau.
For Utah, it’s an easy call. They’d get an immediate lift after trading away Deron Williams and a player in Gasol who seems well-suited to play next to Al Jefferson. Add in Heyward and Utah’s two lottery picks this year (one of which is bound to be Jimmer) and they might not be rebuilding for long.
This just seems like the kind of trade Kahn would make, ignoring Love’s phenomenal season that was, in many ways, better than Gasol and chasing the big name. Add in the chance that the T’Wvoles could believe that adding Pau will convince Rubio to finally come over and we could see something along these lines happening.
For L.A., they’d take a chance on whether Love can match what he did last season on a winning team but, even they get 75%, he’s still younger, cheaper and a much better rebounder. Adding Flynn and Beasley would fill the Lakers need for backcourt speed and a complimentary scorer, respectively.
This one would work better for Kahn since they’d keep Beasley, move him to his natural spot at the 4 and go forward with him, Randolph and Bynum and, maybe someday, Rubio.
For the Lakers, Love/Gasol would be one of the more skilled front lines in the league and hope that trumps their lack of athleticism.
Bonus: Darko getting a role in “The Expendables 2.”
Not sure if we'd be more or less shocked if we saw a KG-Pau deal. Trades between rivals rarely happen but this one kind of makes sense. The Lakers get a fast, scoring point guard to help Kobe and a jump shooting big man to keep the middle open for Bynum. Parker is championship tested and even has a little star power. We’re not huge Parker fans but the Lakers could do worse.
For the Spurs they get to move George Hill (Pop’s favorite player EVER) into the starting line-up, give Duncan a big man sidekick for one last desperate run and see if Pau takes to Pop’s defense and toughness mentality. If he does, maybe they have the guy who can take the torch from Timmy. If he doesn’t, they weren’t doing to win with what they had anyway.
Bonus: Alleged French horndog, Tony Parker working his way through Hollywood. Time to renew the subscription to “Star”!!!
Survival experts reccomend that if you ever encounter
a Grizzly in the wild (or Memphis) you should
pretend you are a basketball.
He will carry you gently around in his paw.
We're two weeks and just over one round into one of the more wide-open and interesting NBA playoff seasons in recent memory and we're faced with a very puzzling development - The Vancouver, er... Memphis Grizzles are ... good. After taking out the Spurs "Old Yeller"-style and stealing home court from the dangerous OKC Zombies the Grizz, the NBA's worst franchise this side of White Power Sterling's Clippers, have the look of an up-and-coming team. And we're left to wonder - Is it time to stop laughing?
How the hell did this happen?
It's not an exaggeration to call the Grizzlies, in either of their incarnations, a laughing-stock. They've always stunk. Spectacularly and profoundly. In 16 seasons, the team has won 32% of it's games, won less than 25 games a whopping 10 times and, before this season, had a playoff record of 0-12. So, how does a team that:
- Drafted, with consecutive Top 10 picks, Bryant “Big County” Reeves, Shareef Abdur-Rahim, three straight point guards (Antonio Daniels, Mike Bibby, Steve Francis), Stromile Swift, Shane Battier & Drew Gooden;
- Saw only one of these picks (Battier, and that's being kind) become an impact player for its franchise. (Francis refused to play for them and was traded for a group of players that wouldn't have been good enough to form the senior-lead core of a Sweet Sixteen team. Abdur-Rahim put up hollow numbers. Bibby was more successful elsewhere. Reeves, Daniels, Swift and Gooden were all varying levels of busts.)
- Had only 2 All-Star players in its history;
- Traded away the pick that ultimately became the #2 pick in the LeBron-Melo-Wade-Bosh draft (had they won the lottery they would have kept the pick and the residents of Memphis would have been witnesses to more than just murders. Never have ping-pong balls been so cruel) for a 35-year old Otis Thorpe who played 47 games for a 19-win team before being traded for Bobby Hurley and Michael Smith (not that one, the other one). Sure the pick ended up being Darko, but that's Joe Dumars' cross to bear;
- Despite having the league's worst record, fell to four in the draft that saw Oden, Durant and Horford go 1-2-3;
- Traded the best player in franchise history for his fatter, less skilled brother; and
- Acquired its current best player straight up for a bench warmer ...
... end up as the most compelling team in the tournament? Are they an upstart that’s finally seeing the fruits of its planning pay off? Or is it simple an aberration, a product of dumb luck?
Sorry Grizzlies Fan
When we first started to write this, we had every intention of lauding Memphis for its ability to identify and develop talent. We had just witnessed Randolph/Gasol, who had quietly become one of the most potent front lines in basketball, absolutely decimate Duncan/McDyess/Blair, Mike Conley seemingly becoming a player worthy of a Top 5 pick, unheralded guys like Sam Young and Darrell Authur hitting basketball puberty and Shane Battier and Tony Allen doing Shane Battier and Tony Allen things and collectively leading the Grizz past the first round. And they were doing with while their "max-level” wing, Rudy Gay and rookie lottery pick, Xavier Henry (#12 overall), sat injured on the sidelines. They were doing it with defense, rebounding an hustle.
More often than not, when an NBA team goes from awful to relevant by lucking into a Franchise Guy/All-Timer (LeBron + Cleveland) or a fortuitous free agent signing of a Superstar (Amare + New York). The change doesn’t happen overnight, but you can see it coming. For Memphis it was different, much, more subtle as they improved from 24 to 40 to 46 wins with an odd cast of characters. How could this not be cause for celebration in the “Barbecued Pork Capital of the World?”
But as we looked closer, instead of finding evidence of sneaky, underrated decision making by their oft-criticized front office, we found what looked less like a product of intelligent design and more like a happy accident.
Three Levels of Bad Decision Making
We broke down the Grizzlies' decisions in acquiring the 9 players who make up their playoff rotation into 3 categories - Defensible, Highly Questionable and Indefensible.
Indefensible
Trading Pau Gasol to the Lakers for Kwame Brown, Javaris Crittenton, two guaranteed to be late first round picks and Marc Gasol. Sure, Marc has turned himself into a nice player, and they were certainly backed into a corner with having to trade Pau, but, by most accounts, they didn't even shop him around and got, what many believed, and still believe, was way below market value.
Signing Rudy Gay to a 5 year, $82 million contract a restricted free agent (meaning they could have matched any offer he received) and then watching the team advance in the playoffs without him. There really is nothing redeemable about that move. Gay is a nice player but he averages about 19 points and 6 boards and has a PER of 17, 58th in the league. Do you really have to lock that guy up for that much money?
Drafting Hasheem Thabeet #2 overall and passing on, among others, James Harden, Tyreke Evans, Ricky Rubio and Stephen Curry.
Highly Questionable
Bailing on Thabeet, your #2 overall pick and a player you no doubt drafted as a project, after a year and a half to reacquire Battier, a player who becomes a free agent after the year.
Drafting Kevin Love (#5 pick), a badly needed rebounding big man, and then trading him for O.J. Mayo (#3), an undersized 2-guard, only to sour on Mayo, relegate him to the bench and then try and fail to trade him.
Signing Tony Allen, a role-playing, defensive stopper with an erratic offensive game to a perennial lottery team.
Drafting Sam Young over DeJuan Blair. Apparently you don't need ACLs to board.
Trading for Zach Randolph and giving him a massive esxtension. It doesn't matter that they only gave up Quentin Richardson. More on Z-Bo later.
Defensible
Trading Shane Battier to Houston for Rudy Gay, the #9 overall pick. They're both good players, though getting rid of Battier the first time coincided with their fall from playoff contender to lottery fodder.
Drafting Mike Conley #4 overall. You can't fault them for losing the lottery and, while they passed on Noah, so did other teams (he went 9th) and, at the time, he wasn't considered anywhere near an elite prospect.
Drafting Darrell Arthur 27th overall. But It All Worked, Didn't It?
It sure does look that way. But is making that many bad decisions really part of some master plan? Maybe they've discovered the new "Moneyball." Maybe they're the first team to sucessfully bring the "Constanza Theory", i.e. doing the opposite, to mainstream sports. More likely, they got lucky. Who wouldn't rather have had Pau Gasol, Kevin Love and Steph Curry instead of Mayo, Marc and Shane?
So What Now?
Are we seeing the budding of a new Western Conference contender to join the Thunder in filling the void being rapidly left by the Lakers and Spurs? Well, if they resign Gasol this offseason (he's restricted so they can match whatever offer the Knicks make) as we expect, they'll return most of their core guys while presumably adding the contributions of a healthy Gay and Henry. Sounds great, right?
Well, it all comes down to Zach Randolph, aka Z-Bo, their best player. If you lok just at his stats, you think we're crazy to say getting him, a 5 time 20-10 guy, for a bench player was questionable. But look at the other players to pull that feat off this year - Dwight Howard, Blaker Griffin and Kevin Love - and you should quickly understand that there's something very, very wrong with Zach. 4 players, 3 of which you'd have to give up half your roster to acquire and the other, he comes with a free tote bag. Whether its the off-court issues from being arrested for marijuana, sucker punching his teammate or, more recently, being implicated in a pot selling ring, or is on-court reputation for laziness and general disinterest in passing, he’s found a way to be a problem everywhere he's gone. Now, the Grizz have essentially tied the entire future of their franchise to this guy. Sure, there's undeniably something different about him this season (and to some extent last) but is he going to continue to show that type of matrity now that he's gotten himself his last, big contract? Despite all evidence to the contrary, we're supposed to believe he's now going to be a consistent, dominant, winning force for the next 5 years. That he's now a true Superstar or a Franchise Guy? We doubt it.
So enjoy it while you can before Randolph's implosion and the Grizzlies' short fall back to the top of the draft occurs. It's inevitable, you'll just have to stifle your laughter for a few years.
It's hard to put into words how supremely awful this was to listen to yesterday morning. It made us uncomfortable to be a member of the same race (human) as the people who perpetrated this mess. To ensure the spread of misery, we decided to share it with anyone who might have been lucky enough to miss it.
It comes from "Mike and Mike In the Morning", the radio program that serves both as ESPN's flagship show and a constant reminder that we could do better. One of the hosts, Mike Greenberg, lost a March Madness bet and as punishment for the audience (and presumably himself) he had to dress up like Justin Bieber and sing a song. If nothing else, at least we got to see a glimpse into the future where the adult Bieber looks curiously like Liberace.
(Sorry for the Cloverfield camera work, ESPN does a swell job of keeping their videos off the interwebs so this was the best we could get to embed)
Have a sports question you want answered? Want to suggest a topic or become a contributor? Have a story with a dumb commenters that need to be ridiculed? Email us at thepersnicketyproject@gmail.com.
