Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 3

Everyone is  searching for some kind of meaning in this crazy world.  Something to identify with and hold on to; a reason why we're here.  For some its a struggle, and then there's this guy:

"Hey honey, I'm thinking of buying a rape van and getting a custom license plate and sticker related to a roller coaster up in Jersey, what do you think?  Honey?  Honey?  Oh that's right, I'm talking to myself because I'm a lonely loser."

If you're hard of sight, the license plate says "KNGDAKA."  Judging by the context clues - location, the lack of a google result for "King Daka", associated sticker that says "I rode Kingda Ka 43 times and SURVIVED!!"- we assume our friend in the rape van is referring to the roller coaster at Six Flags Great Adventure (Kinga Ka is currently close for maintenance.  Caution:  Kingda Ka may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.  Do not taunt Kingda Ka.)

Sure, it's billed as the tallest roller coaster in the world and the fastest in North America.  And sure, some dipshit who apparently has more readers than us posted a (poorly) written ghost story about it.  And sure, it can make boys with premature mustaches scream like the lead singer from Dashboard Confessional.  And we just hate to be judgmental but that's a really mediocre way to define your existence.

First, there's the vanity plate which costs you an extra $40 a year and requires you to physically enter the 8th circle of hell - the DMV - to order one.  (Luckily they have a handy-dandy website where you can check if your dream plate is available.  Amazingly, DICKNUT wasn't taken.  We reserved it for 60 days.)  Then after you get it, every single person you ever meet or otherwise see in the vicinity of your car (not in a school zone for this fellow, of course) will see your license plate and ask you (or more likely ask someone else about it behind your back and make fun of you) what's its about and you'll have to explain that you not only enjoy roller coasters but are FUCKING OBSESSED with Kingda Ka.  No matter what else you do in your life, save a baby from a burning building, start a charity to sure an obscure disease like GERD, beat Angry Birds with 3 stars on every level, nothing will change the perception that you are "Kingda Ka Guy."   That is no way to go through life.

Second, Six Flags is located in Jackson, New Jersey.  This man is from Delaware a state that prides itself on being "first" (its just as douchey when it's the state motto as it is when its found in the comments section of EW.com) and tax free shopping.  If that's the best they can do it's time to just start over.  Having been there we can attest that there's not an interesting thing in the entire state.  Even so, if we were from Delaware and found ourselves identifying with anything in Jackson, New Jersey, we'd be writing this blog from a belt hung over a beam in our basement.

Finally, you survived Kingda Ka.  Did you?  Really?  Your survived? No, you didn't.  You're not an astronaut or a sky diver or anyone else who does things that are dangerous.  You are not Evel Knievel.  No, you rode on an amusement park ride like thousands of other people who don't tell everyone about it.  One with lap and shoulder harnesses that designed for the sole purpose of protecting your safety.  And you sat there.  Shoveling snow is more dangerous.  You did not survive anything. You are no better than my grandmother.

So, don't define yourself by something so silly.  Make it something meaningful.  Write a blog instead.

Onto bitching and moaning about pretend football ....


1. Biblical, Weather, Jacksonville, Florida;


There are many levels of fantasy football obsession.  From the "Laissez-Faire Guy" who drafts and then ignores his team beyond filling in his weekly roster.  (Note:  these people generally have fun playing fantasy sports) To "Real GM Guy" who, before the draft even starts has already made three trades and talking about rebuilding his keeper team on the fly.  (Note:  its a little too goddamn real to these people).  We'd always assumed we were close to the top of the loser food chain, but as we sat there this weekend watching the score of the Panthers-Jags game that seemed like it belonged in a baseball movie with made up teams, we realized there must be another, as yet undiscovered species out there, one that would have realized, even if Cam Newton has racked up 600+ yards in his first two games that this week would be different, since he'd be playing in an apocalyptic rain storm.  We'll call him "Real GM Guy with Doppler 5000, aka Sam Champion."  Either way, our love of Cam still runs strong.  Even during the end of times, he still managed a touchdown and didn't turn the ball over.  The Cam Newton We Shoulda Known Better Tour Continues next week against the Chicago Bears.

2.  Kenny Britt, WR, Tennessee Titans;


How is it possible to get through this one without cursing?  Britt's injury was fruiting bankshot.  Seriously, how is it that, after trying to trade for this motherfiretrucker since 5 minutes after the draft ended, our dumb asbestos finally pulls it off, giving up all milkyfondue depth to finally lucky jackalope get him, and our reward is almost as many torn knee ligaments as fantasy points?  Dinklehopper.  Shuttlecock.   Harris Teeter!!  Before the injury, Britt was making corner backs across the league his banjos.  Now, instead of becoming one of the best receivers in football (6th maybe, behind only Andre, Larry Calvin, Greg, Roddy), he's just part of another boring alps story that joe piscapos like us tell people who don't really care to listen.  Might as well just finagle our cucamonga and punch us in the gorgonzola.  Bastiges!!!!!

3.  Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee Titans;


Two years ago, Chris Johnson rushed for 2,000 yards and became the toast of both real and fake football.  We all bought in and we made him the #1 overall pick because it was fun watching a 5'11" 191 pound speedster make everyone look silly while averaging a whopping 5.6 yards per carry.  He was what we  envisioned Reggie Bush would be.  The next year, his yardage fell 700 yards (somewhat predictable) while his per carry average fell by almost a yard and a half (somewhat disturbing) and we all chalked it up as regression to the mean or a product of his team's struggles.  Now, three weeks into this season, CJ (formerly CJ2K) has been out rushed in games by Deji Karim and Willis McGahee and is averaging a pitiful 2.1 yard per carry (to put that in perspective, he could literally trip over the line of scrimmage and fall flat on his face on every carry and, with a reasonable stretch of the ball, maintain that average).  Do we simply chalk it up as a slow start and a hangover from a particularly potent lockout/holdout cocktail or do we start to look at this as trend?  We don't know.  But, particularly in yearly leagues, it might be time to gauge his trade value.  If you can get another Top 10 back who looks healthy and not sluggish, it might be time to pull the trigger.  Better to be a week late than a week early.

4.  Offense, Buffalo Bills

Yep, it just keeps happening.  The usual suspects did their things, Fitzy threw for 369 yards and 2 TDs (9 total, good for 2nd in the league), Freddie J rolled up another 161 total yards and a touchdown and Stevie put up his customary 8 catch, 94 yard, 1 TD performance.  The difference?  First, it came in Buffalo's first win over the Pats since Sweden rejected adopting the Euro by referendum.  Second, now it's not just the usual suspects with guys like Donald Jones (Winner: 2011 Generic Name Award) having 100 yard receiving days and David Nelson (4th Place:  2011 Generic Name Award) averaging 7 catches and 77 yards per game.  The Bills are now the '99 Rams.  If they keep this up, it's going to be very exciting watching them play in Los Angeles in 2 years.  Sorry, Toronto.

5.  Mike Vick, QB/Cry Baby, Philadelphia Eagles;


Before this fantasy season, Matthew Berry (who may very well be a nice guy but to us comes off as such a dicknose) blasted all of the ESPN platforms with his theory that Vick should be the #1 overall fantasy pick.   While, we and most sane people vehemently disagreed (through the cynics/realists might argue that was the whole point) he logic seemed sound:  take Vick's numbers from last year and, even if you prorate them to account for 2 or 3 missed games and put in a random free agent QB (the proverbial David Garrard), that combination gives you the most fantasy points.  That makes total sense unless last year's numbers were an aberration.  Three weeks into the season and, even if he hasn't moved in yet, the Dogkiller at least looks like he's contacted a realtor about a house in Aberration City.  Vick hasn't thrown for more than 300 yards in his last seven starts, has thrown a pick in 8 of his last 9 and, for a player who derives so much of his value from his legs, has been held under 50 yards rushing in 6 of his last 9 starts.  Those are not the stats you want in your best fantasy player.  As much fun as it was to see him carve up the Washington Redskins last season on Monday Night Football and look like Darwin in shoulder pads, games like that are not the norm.  He's not the #1 overall player, he's not even the #1 overall QB.  Shit, he might not even be Ryan Fitzpatrick at this point.

By the way, whining about getting hit too much (particularly when the stats show you get more roughing the passer calls than anyone else) is just terrible.  If you're pissed about getting hit, yell at your lineman, make the defense pay or (gasp!) get rid of the ball in less than 5 seconds.  But do not go to the media and complain, that's as unmanly not drinking Miller Light.

6.  Darren McFadden, RB, Oakland Raiders;

Running backs, particularly ones that come with high first round pedigrees, aren't usually slow to develop.  So when McFadden's first two seasons combined to produce more missed (7) than 100 yard (1) games, it was tempting to write him off as an injury-prone bust and chalk up last year's 1600 total yard season to a fluke and wait for him to get injured again.  After last week's 171 yard explosion against the self-vaunted Jets defense (even without the 70 yard run, he still would have had 100 yards on 18 carries) we're much more tempted to go all in on Run DMC.  In a league where it seems like every good running back is on the downside of his career, McFadden is on the rise.  Speaking of the Jets, a team built on the premise that it would run the ball and play great defense currently ranks 25th in rushing yards and 31st (second to last) in rushing yards allowed.  At some point they have to stop talking about how good they are and actually show it, right?


7.  Reggie Bush, Irrelevant, Miami Dolphins;


At approximately 3:57 ET on Sunday, doctors pronounced the fantasy football career of one Reginald Alfred "Reggie" Bush dead.  It was a sad turn of events for a career that began with such promise.  After entering the league with as much hype and fanfare as any player in recent memory, Bush immediately experienced complications associated with an inability to run in-between the tackles and an apparent disinterest in getting hit.  After five seasons in which he never rushed for more than 600 yards, Bush found himself on life support.  However, after a last-ditch move to Miami, members close to Bush were optimistic he might recover if simple given a chance.  Alas, it was not meant to be.  With 69 yards in 3 games and an average of 2.6 yards per carry, Bush's chance ended abruptly and hope was lost.  In the aftermath, Bush supporters quoted as saying "By the end, he couldn't even do the things he used to enjoy so much like catch the ball out of the backfield. It was just sad to see him that way.  If he couldn't be the player he once was, we realized it was time to let him go."  Bush is survived in the Dolphin backfield by Daniel Thomas, the exciting and productive rookie running back Bush never was.  In lieu of flowers, the family asks that donations be made to the "Buy Reggie's Heisman off Ebay Fund."

Until next week, remember, be powered by a bull.

Real Football - Searching for Upside in Peyton Manning's Neck Injury

As they've done countless times before, the Colts found themselves playing in the National Football League's showcase game on Sunday night, this time against the Pittsburgh Steelers.  And like so many times before, it was a close game filled with late fourth quarter drama with the Steelers winning on a late field goal.  Only this time, nobody cared.  Never has the power of one player been felt so spectacularly.

In case you've been in a coma for the last 6 months, Peyton Manning is injured and his team is in trouble.  With Peyton on the shelf, the Colts, a team that has finagled a playoff spot for 9 straight years in a league built on parity, looks lucky to win 4 games.  Yes, Peyton is that good and, because of what he means to his team, the way they've designed everything around his singular talents (to get and hold the lead), he's inarguably the most valuable player in the NFL.  (We won't, but if you're tempted to use this season as an invitation for a Manning/Brady debate, just keep in mind that despite the 11 wins Matt Cassel managed in Brady's absence, that team went from 16-0 and one glorious feat of skill and courage away from being the greatest team of all time to missing the playoffs.)  So it's tempting to chalk up the Colts' misfortunes entirely to Peyton.  But that would be missing the larger point - even before he got hurt, the Colts were a team in decline.  Aside from Manning, the roster is not one of a Super Bowl contender.  Take a look, its absolutely brutal, lacking both in true top end talent and more importantly depth.  Just ask the Dream Team how important that is.

Browse through If you want to see just how little top end talent they have, browse through the "Scouts Inc. Top 200" and, other than Peyton at #2 overall, you'll find only 5 other Colts dotting the list.  The law of averages says every team should have 6 guys on the list.  But when you account for putrid teams like the Chiefs and Broncos, perennial playoff teams like the Colts should have more.  As for depth, in a sport that has 52 man rosters, the Colts have 80% of their payroll tied up in 10 players with 30% of the total gong to Manning alone.  When the rest of those players are guys on the wrong side of their primes like Wayne, Clark, Freeney and Mathis, the picture starts to become clearer.

With this model of team building the Colts are essentially forced to sit out the annual free agent spending spree, forgoing their chance to chase guys bad (Haynesworth) and good (Asomugha).  Perhaps that's the preferable path, why spend big when you've already identified your stars?  But to execute that plan effectively, the team needs to be able to fortify its ranks somehow, which means killing it in the draft.  

That's something the Colts just don't do anymore.  They quite simply do not have a single difference maker on their roster under the age of 30.  From 2001 to 2004, the Colts drafted 6 pro-bowl players that formed the core of their Super Bowl winning team - Reggie Wayne (#30, 2001), Dwight Freeney (#11, 2002), Dallas Clark (#24, 2003), Robert Mathis (5th round, 2003), Cato June (6th round, 2003) and Bob Sanders (2nd round, 2004).  Since, 2005, they've drafted 2 players who have made the Pro Bowl  - Joseph Addai and Antoine Bathea - and none since 2006.  Check out their first and second round picks since 2007 (Colts fans should avert their eyes):

2007:

1st round, pick 32:  Anthony Gonzalez, WR, Ohio State.  Drafted to seamlessly replace the aging Marvin Harrison.  Blew out his knee after being awarded the starting job in 2009 and spent half of 2010 in the IR.  99 career receptions for 1300 yards.  5 catches in the past two years.

2nd round, pick 10:  Tony Ugoh, T, Arkansas.  Drafted to seamlessly replace the retired Tarik Glenn.  Released after 3 seasons and 27 inauspicious starts.

2008:

First round pick traded for Tony Ugoh.

2nd round, pick 28:  Mike Pollack, C, Arizona State.  Not drafted for his looks.  On-again, off-again starter.

2009

1st round, pick 27:  Donald Brown, RB, UCONN.  Drafted to seamlessly replace Joseph Addai.  Piled up less than 800 yards in two seasons with a 3.8 yard per carry average.  Addai is still underwhelming the nation with his performances.

2nd round, pick 24:  Fili Moala, DT, USC.  Started 16 games in 2010 and produced virtually no stats.

2010

1st round, pick 31:  Jerry Hughes, DE, TCU.  Drafted to provide a boost to the pash rush but ended up with only 6 tackles and zero sacks in 12 games during his rookie year.  Not a good NFL player.

2nd, round, pick 31:  Pat Angerer, LB, Iowa.  Excellent name.  Good volume tackler.  Current and likely future starter.

Of the rest of their 27 picks in those drafts, the only other current starters are Pierre Garcon, Austin Collie, Kavell Conner, and Jerraud Powers.

To put that in perspective, since 2005 our current Super Bowl Champions, the Green Bay Packers have drafted Aaron Rogers, A.J. Hawk, Greg Jennings, Desmond Bishop, Jermichael Finley, Jordy Nelson, Clay Matthews, B.J. Raji, James Starks, and Bryan Bulaga.  Every single one of those guys are better than their counterparts on the Colts.  Maybe its unfair to compare the Colts to the class of the league but didn't we used to talk the same way about them?  And in case yore tempted to chalk up the Colts' draft problems to their habit of picking at the end of rounds only two of Green Bay's stars (Hawk and Raji) were drafted inside the Top 20.



In 1997, the Spurs were a perennial contender that always seemed to fall short.  There best player was David Robinson, a league icon and, for all his stats, had his clutchness questioned at times.  Coming off a 56-win season, Robinson would injure his back and break his foot, missing all but 6 games of the regular season.  Without its best player, the team would finish with a 20-62 record, the third worst in the league, and thanks to the magic of the NBA draft lottery, earn a chance to draft Tim Duncan.  Two seasons later, they'd win their first of two titles with Robinson and Duncan and then win two more after the Admiral sailed off into retirement.  Thanks to a single freak injury, the Spurs were able to draft a player that allowed them to slowly transition from a team built around one all-time great to another without the painful rebuilding process and get the most out of what was left of the best (to that point) player in their franchise history.  Without the injury, maybe they find the right combination one year with a healthy Robinson and win a title, or maybe they find a diamond in the rough with a later pick.  Still, without that cracked bone, they never become one of the most successful franchises in recent NBA history.

The 2011 Colt are presented with a similar opportunity.  Manning has already won the Super Bowl he needed to validate his career but, on some level, he's similar to Robinson, with Brady playing the role of Hakeem.  But time is running out if the Colts hope to put together a roster that can compete for another title while #18 is still donning the a horseshoe helmet.  Without a doubt, one player can make a much greater impact in the NBA than the NFL and, unfortunately for them, the Duncan of this draft happens to play the same position as Peyton but still, finding an impact player to rejuvenate the team is not out to the question.  And while picking in the Top 5 is no guarantee of success, the margin for error is a bit wider.  Even if you miss out on the absolute best player at 3, you're still likely to find a starter.  Do it at 28 and you're likely to find a bum.  If the Colts hit in the pick, they could add a player who can dominate his position in a way few do, like these guys did.

Wouldn't an interior disruptor like Ndamukong Suh (#2, 2010) instantly turn their mediocre defense into a feared one and help get a few more productive years out of Freeney and Mathis?

How about a tackle like Joe Thomas or Jake Long to protect Manning's blind side and give him more time to pick apart defenses?

Or a receiver like Calvin Johnson or A.J. Green to compliment and then take over for Reggie Wayne?

Or a running back like Adrian Peterson or Darren McFadden to do for Peyton what TD did for Elway?

Or a pass-rusher like Von Miller?

Or game-changing safety like Eric Berry?

Or, what if they found themselves with the #1 overall pick and the chance to draft a player some consider the most sure thing since Peyton Manning?  Would they take Andrew Luck, have him learn at the feet of one of the greatest of all time before unleashing him on the world like the Packers did with Aaron Rodgers.  With one move they could have the most important position in football covered for 25 straight years.

Or, alternatively, trade him to the 49ers or another QB needy team for a king's ransom of picks and try to fill all their holes at once.

While its too early to tell where the Colts will finish (we think Peyton plays the year, if only for a few games to show himself that he can come back and be ready to go full bore in 2012) and if any of the prospects will separate themselves as elite but with potential stars like Luck, Kalil, Coples, Jones, Richardson, Barkley, the possibilities are both intriguing and endless.  But, if they play their cards right, this could end up being the best thing that ever happened to them.  If they can manage not to screw up the draft pick, of course.

Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 2

The best part of state employment is all the perks.  Like on the first day when we got to clean dried blood off our desk (in fairness, it was under 3 inches of dust so it really wasn't readily visible).  Or the fact that an office with a view (read: not ours) isn’t a view of the outside but a view of a window.  With benefits like that, it's really hard to find anything to complain about.  But, we'll try anyway. 

We work in a 9 floor building and the brilliant individual who designed it, presumably for aesthetic reasons, decided it would be an excellent idea to put the majority of the elevators on the “first” as opposed to the ground floor.  The placement of the elevators on the second floor requires the roughly 5 million (give or take) people who work in the building to get to that floor before making their way to their blood-cover, darkness filled offices.  Normally, this isn't a problem due to the presence of 4 handy-dandy escalators that, despite that are not the engines of death they're made out to be.






They generally provide a smooth and safe passage.  Until, of course, they break.  Now, one could argue, to quote the great Mitch Hedberg, that "an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs."  ("Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”)  Not, if you work for the state, then you get this:

Yeah, absurdly intense yellow signs warning you not to use the stairs.  Not only does it ignore the fact that a moving escalator is significantly more dangerous than a stationary one.  But, the alternatives to using the "broken" escalator involve either walking up a weird enclosed stairwell that's akin to a grain elevator or stuffing 400 people on an elevator that only seems to occasionally work properly.  At its best the state should protect us from ourselves, at its worst, it protects us from the stairs.

In most buildings you’d expect an issue like that to be solved pretty quickly, right?  Maybe a day to get repair person in.  And another few days to fix it.  Even if you have to order a part from China, that’s still like 4 or 5 days.  Yet, there’s no indication they’ll be coming down anytime soon.  So, we’ll continue to trudge up the grain elevator and thank the ineptitude of the State for ruining our f’n morning for five straight weeks.

On to over analyzing and discussing pretend, meaningless football.

1. Offense, Buffalo Bills, Bizarro World

Ryan Fitzpatrick, 264 yards, 3 TDs, 23 yards rushing.

Fred Jackson, 15 carries, 117 yards, 2 TDs.

Stevie Johnson, 8 for 96, 1 TD.

We recognize that to the extent our obsession with the Bills was ever funny or interesting it stopped being so a long time ago, but obsessions aren't easily forgotten.  So, we'll continue to wonder when this is going to end.  Fitzpatrick can't be this good, right?  He has to have a 117 yard, 3 pick stinker in him at some point, doesn't he?  We certainly hope midnight comes soon because we're highly uncomfortable living in a world where the Bills-Raiders game is the most exciting of the day and a guy from Harvard is one of fantasy's top scoring quarterbacks.

2.  Denarius Moore, Wide Receiver, Oakland Raiders

Speaking of the Raiders.  Rarely do we find ourselves in the middle of a fantasy draft trying to figure out who a player is.  Not his spot on the depth chart, his previous season's stats or where he went to college.  No, literally, who the player is.  So when we did our draft this year and \someone by the name of "D. Moore" sat there conspicuously high on the remaining players queue, we were confused and intrigued.  Thanks to the power of The Google, we were able to determine that he was a rookie out of Tennessee who was dazzling in training camp and, because he's a Raider, is ridiculously fast.  We'd seen that before and after he ended up inactive in Week 1, many rightfully assumed that he was just a training camp wonder.  The, in week two, with the Raiders "best" receivers (Jacoby Ford, Louis Murphy and Darrius Heyward-Bey) fighting injuries Moore got his chance and shined, shined, shined with 5 catches, 146 yards and a touchdown.  He's got the physical tools to be good so take a flier on him this week to see how he looks when the more established guys get back.  If he continues to put up numbers, learn his name.

3.  Knee, Crushed Hopes, Your Fantasy Team

Rarely does an injury actually make us sad.  They happen so often in football that the news just washes over us, barely noticed (unless its a Giant, then it sends us into a deep depression).  But, on Sunday when we saw "knee injury, out for game" after Jamaal Charles' name, we felt sad.  After "game" became "season",  anyone who picked him in the Top 3 began convulsing wildly. Jamaal with the extra "a" was one of the rare top-level fantasy players who still represented hope and upside.  If he could just get more carriers he was the next Chris Johnson.  Now, instead of hope, it's more likely he's the next great runner who's career was derailed by injuries.  It's a shame.  The Chefs (as well as Charles' former owners) will likely call on the ancient spirits of evil and rouse Thomas Jones out of his tomb in the Black Pyramid.

4.  Antonio Gates, TE, San Diego Superchargers;

0 catches, 0 yards, 1 target.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 pre-season #1 tight end!   Don’t worry though, here’s what the guru’s at ESPN had to say:

Spin:  Relax! Yes, we all know Gates got a big goose egg in Week 2, but it was the Patriots game plan to take him out of the mix and he even saw triple coverage at times. Few teams are going to have the audacity, or the talent, to pull that off and still win the game. Gates will be fine.

Relax?  Really?  You want us to relax after a player we had to take a round early to make sure we didn’t miss out and expected to help carry us back to the fantasy glory that has eluded us for too long, gives us as you put it “a big goose egg.”  We can’t fucking relax, particularly, when he plays on a team that passed for 372 and that shit face, hold-out, loser V-Jax had 10 catches for 172 yards, the most he’s had since … well … forever.  And to rub salt in our goddamn wounds, not one but two TEs from New England (plus that useless ass Ochocinco) outscored our guy.  Obviously if we’re taking time out of our day to visit your website and read your glib little blurb, we care way to much about fantasy football and relaxing is not a viable option.  So fuck him, fuck you and fuck you’re “spin.”  At least until next week when Gates scores 2 TDs and goes back to being awesome.

5.  Cam Newton, QB, Carolina Panthers;

This is already getting a little ridiculous.  Two weeks in to his, now apparently destined to be stellar, career and our the newest member of the Man-Crush All Stars already has as many 400 yard passing games as Aaron Rodgers, Jim Kelly, The Dongslinger, John Elway and, most importantly, the immortal Neil Lomax (who does not speak for the trees) and has reinvigorated one of our original loves, THE REAL Steve Smith.   Oh yeah, he also leads his team in rushing.  Somehow Newton has seamlessly transferred the dynamism he showed on Saturdays to Sundays.  Even if he turns the ball over, Carolina seems determined to let Newton do his thing and for fantasy owners, that means the ceiling to his rookie year production has officially been blown off.  Make sure you don’t just dump your back-up but unless you have one of the top 6 guys, get him in your line-up right the hell now.

6.  Arian Foster, RB, Houston Texans;

Injuries happen and the best a fantasy owner can hope for is to know if the guy is going to play or not.  The worst is what happened on Sunday.  When a Top 2 running back is listed as a starter for his team, he's a lock to be in your line-up.  Unfortunately, when Gary Kubiak (a disciple of Shanahan’s school of fantasy annoyance) decides to keep said running back out for the entire second half of a game, where the team has a comfortable but not ridiculous lead and should have given him the ball 15 times, because of “fatigue”, a fantasy owner can be forgiven for wanting to drop an anvil on some one's head.  


If we owned Foster, we'd be a little worried at this point.  Hamstrings are tricky, even when they seem healed one bad move and its back to square one, and his back-up (former back-up?) Ben Tate now has back-to-back 20 carry, 100 yard games and, at this point.  The reign of the Arian Nation could be over before it even had a chance to get annoying (actually we were annoyed after 2 games last year but whatever).  Anit-awesomeness.

7.  Felix Jones and Shonn Green, Running Backs, Disappointing All Stars

For years, we’ve been treated to headlines like “Shonn Greene: Ready to Break Out” and "Felix Jones:  Won’t Suck as Bad This Year.”  Then, two weeks into the season those guys are losing carriers to half-dead LT or fighting yet another nagging taint injury, you realize the reason they’re still supposed to break out is because they’ve never really been any good.  This year, the Cowboys were supposed to have a dynamic offense and with MBIII finally gone, this was going to be Jones' year.  Everyone was pumped.  Now, with 69 yards in two weeks and a 2.7 yard per carry average, not so much.  As for Greene, aren’t the Jets supposed to be all “ground and pound”?  At least that’s what they tell us they are.  What kind of smash mouth team with a bruising running back only gets 49 yards in a 32-3 route?  One's that talk to much, we guess.  Hype-monsters like these guys are the ones that ruin your draft when you don’t get them, your team when you do, and your day after you fall for it year after year. 

The Persnickety Project’s Plan for College Football Realignment – The Big Power Grab

Sometimes a single event that seems small and inconsequential at the time spurs massive change.  Like the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand caused World War I and changed the face of Europe forever, Texas A&M’s decision to leave the Big-12 and join the SEC is poised to change the face of college football forever and bring upon the era of “Super Conferences.”  Each event happened for individual political reasons (freedom from the Austro-Hungarian Empire/freedom from the Austin, Texas Empire) but eventually they’ll share the distinction of having much larger consequences.

The effects of the move are already being felt.  In just the time since we started writing this, the Big East began to disintegrate with two of its most important members and best football programs, Syracuse and Pittsburgh, announced they were bolting for the ACC.  And that’s just the beginning, the remaining Big East schools are scrambling to find a home and Texas and Oklahoma may doom the Big-12 by joining the Pac-12.

Massive realignment is on the horizon; the only question is how it’s going to look.  It seems strange to think that conferences we’ve grown up with like the Big East and Big-12 are just going to disappear.  We’ve been sold the power rivalries and tradition for so long that we’ve accepted that these things don’t change. But they do. The Big East may be legendary to us but so were the Southern Conference, the Southwest Athletic Conference and the Big 8.   To extend the WWI analogy even further, people probably expected the Ottoman Empire and Austria-Hungary were going to be around forever.  But there was a time when they weren’t there and a time after they went away.  The map is constantly changing.  It’s natural and to be expected.  

To any real extent, we have no clue how the future landscape will look.  What we do now, however, is that there is too much money at stake and too many instances of smaller schools (Boise, TCU) playing Robin Hood with the BCS payouts for the conferences and the teams to stand pat.  To us, the time has come for conferences to consolidate their power and that means getting bigger.  And we don’t mean just any type of growth, we mean expanding by cannibalizing their rivals and coopting any outside challengers.  Think the modern Republican Party. 

All the dick swinging teams like Baylor and Iowa State are doing, threatening legal action, is just posturing.  They need to make sure they’re not left standing when the music stops.  With the exception of the truly elite programs, football legitimacy is directly tied to who they play and when they someone starts making passes at their partners, they get nervous.

Ironically, what will ultimately save those teams is the thing that is tearing their status quo apart – greed and hubris.  Once the first conference jumps, the competition among the others will be fierce to make sure they don’t fall behind.  If the Pac-12 becomes the Pac-16, the Big 10 and SEC certainly aren’t going to sit idly by and watch their rival grow unchecked.  Once those two behemoths start to move, the ACC will have no choice but to expand or perish (a.k.a. lose their automatic BCS bid and the associated monetary windfall).  The remaining Big East and Big-12 teams will be gobbled up in the process.  And suddenly, we’re in the “Era of Super Conferences.”  All because Texas A&M was tired of being shit on by Texas. 

So, since we’re absolute shit at predicting the future, we decided to come up with our own plan.  We can’t necessarily say its in the best thing for college football as a whole (on some level is more likely to decrease competition by exacerbating the royal-peasant relationship between the elite and run of the mill programs) but we’re confident it would be better than both what we have now and what the powers-that-be would come up with in solving the biggest problem of all – deciding a national champion.   So without any further ado (there has already been much ado but we shall ado no further), we present The Persnickety Project’s Plan for College Football Realignment – The Big Power Grab.

Where Are We Know?

Here is the present alignment of the BCS conferences (as they stand today):

ACC (12 teams): Boston College, Clemson, Duke, Florida State, Georgia Tech, Maryland, Miami, North Carolina, North Carolina State, Virginia, Virginia Tech, Wake Forest

Big 12 (10 teams): Baylor, Iowa State, Kansas, Kansas State, Missouri, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas, Texas Tech, Texas A&M

Big East (teams): Cincinnati, Connecticut, Louisville, Rutgers, South Florida, West Virginia, Pittsburgh, Syracuse

Big Ten (12 teams): Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Nebraska, Northwestern, Ohio State, Penn State, Purdue, Wisconsin

Pac-12 (12 teams): Arizona, Arizona State, California, Colorado, Oregon, Oregon State, Stanford, UCLA, USC, Utah, Washington, Washington State

SEC (12 teams):  Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, LSU, Mississippi State, Ole Miss, South Carolina, Tennessee, Vanderbilt

That’s 66 teams.  The Big Power Grab (“BPG”) calls for 4, 18-team, regional conferences.  Though math is far from our strong suit, that alignment would require 72, or six more, teams.   So, who get’s the call-up?  Read on the find out.

The Future

The Pac-18

Current teams (12):  Arizona, Arizona State, California, Colorado, Oregon, Oregon State, Stanford, UCLA, USC, Utah, Washington, Washington State.

New Additions (6):  Texas, Oklahoma, Texas Tech, Oklahoma State, BYU, SMU

Welcome to the Big Time …

BYU: The Fighting Mormons might not currently have the cache of TCU or Boise but, as the last non-BCS school to both win a National Championship (1984) and produce a Heisman Trophy Winner (Ty Detmer, 1990) and a consistent Top 25-ish team, they clearly deserve a spot in the BPG.

SMU: For awhile we had this spot going to Fresno State (the team that threatened to be the pre-Boise, Boise) but in putting this together we tried to account for history and deeper connections, giving SMU the edge.  Before receiving the “Death Penalty” in 1987, SMU was a premier program (claiming 3 national titles) and, from its days in the old Southwest Athletic Conference, has a history with Texas and Texas Tech and a list of alums including Doak Walker, Kyle Rote, Don Meridith, Eric Dickerson, Forest Gregg, Lamar Hunt and Raymond Berry.  The proverbial “last team in.” 

The Story:  If, as expected, Texas and Oklahoma, two of the most successful programs in Division 1 football history (2^nd and 6^th in wins, respectively), join up, with Texas Tech and Oklahoma State as the price of admission (a price surely offset by T Boone’s money), the Pac [Number] will be on the way to remaking itself. To round out he conference, BYU fits the geographical profile and has a history of success to fit right into the middle of the conference (particularly when they run out their 25 year old missionaries) and SMU provides another beachhead in the very completive and talent rich Texas recruiting scene and exploitable history.

New Divisions:

Dudes:  California, Oregon, Oregon State, Stanford, Washington, Washington State, USC, UCLA, and Colorado

Bros:  Arizona, Arizona State, BYU, Texas, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, BYU, and SMU.

Extra Benefits:  For a conference that will have added 8 teams in two years, established rivalries like Texas-Oklahoma, the Oklahomas,  Texas-Texas Tech, BYU-Utah to the conference schedule would provide rivalry footholds while the geographically diverse conference meshes and develops its own unique feuds.

Bottom Line:  Aside from a somewhat-brief, somewhat-tainted run by USC, the conference has been a bit of a disappointment on the national stage, particularly when compared to the mighty SEC.  But adding two teams with a combined 6 BCS title game appearances and one of college football’s best rivalries to its conference schedule would immediately validate their place as a big-time football conference and, if USC comes of probation strong, the Trojans, Longhorns and Sooners would form a Top 3 as good as any conference could hope for in tradition and power.

The SEC

Current Teams (12): Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, LSU, Mississippi State, Ole Miss, South Carolina, Tennessee, Vanderbilt

New Additions (6): Texas A&M, Miami, Florida State, Georgia Tech, Baylor, TCU

Welcome to the Big Time … TCU.  In truth, the Horned Frogs are already part of the big time after last year’s Rose Bowl victory.  He had them going here even before the Big East started to fall apart because that never made any damn sense in the first place.  TCU is another old school program - with a couple of Depression Era national titles and college royalty like Davey O’Brien, Sammy Baugh and LaDanian Tomlinson hailing from their ranks – that fell on hard times before beginning the long climb back up in the mid-90’s.

The Story:  The assassin, Texas A&M, gets away its overbearing sibling Texas and gains an invitation to the most elite club.  Baylor gets what it wanted – included.  But in the long run, they might not be so happy getting what they wanted as its unclear whether solid programs that rarely found themselves at the top of an inferior conference will compete in a real way.  Not that the rest of the SEC programs will mind getting free recruiting trips deep in the heart of Texas.  When the SEC comes calling, Miami, Florida State and Georgia Tech would gladly walk away from the ACC for a place that cares only about football.  Competing won’t be a problem for Florida State, the biggest thing running for most of the 90’s with 2 national titles and 9 straight conference championships, as they bring serious star power, even to the SEC.  Miami had a similar run of dominance and while they continue to face hard times and potentially severe penalties, they remain THE U.  If they get the “Death Penalty”, they’re easily replaceable by one of the other Florida alphabet schools (UCF, FAU, FIU, LMFAO).  Georgia Tech is a historically (if not modernly) significant program and charter member of the SEC with 4 national championships (spanning from 1917 to 1990), a former coach named Heisman and a bitter rivalry with the University of Georgia (and a lesser one with Auburn).  TCU’s potential move to the Big East shows they want to take a shot at being part of the elite and, for as long as he stays put, Gary Patterson’s innovative defense and a recruiting boost from joining the conference could put the Frogs in position to challenge the SEC powers and become a true national title contender.

New Divisions:

Stars:  Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, South Carolina, Tennessee, Vanderbilt, Florida State, Miami, Georgia Tech.

Bars:  Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, LSU, Mississippi State, Ole Miss, Texas A&M, Baylor, TCU.

Extra Benefits:  Seeing what TCU, a charter member (from 1923) of the old Southwest Conference, can do in a conference where they reunite with Arkansas, Baylor and A&M and rekindle a dormant rivalry with LSU.  Making the Miami-Florida-Florida State love triangle and Georgia-Georgia Tech hate-fest conference games gives the SEC rivalries it can sell nationally not just across the Confederacy.

Bottom Line:  With 5 straight BCS titles, simply maintaining the status quo would have been good enough but by adding these six teams, THE premier conference in college football can make a case that the crystal football should just go directly to its conference champ.

The Big Ten

Current Teams (12):  Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Nebraska, Northwestern, Ohio State, Penn State, Purdue, Wisconsin

New Additions (6): Notre Dame, Kansas, Kansas State, Missouri, Iowa State, Boise State

Welcome to the Big Time ….

Notre Dame.  The program isn’t what it once was but, love them or hate them, the Fighting Irish are football aristocracy.  Look no further than, despite thumbing their noses at the traditional conference structure, they’re still guaranteed a BCS bid whenever they finish high enough.  If this were ever going to happen, it couldn’t without the Catholics on board.

Boise State.  In the last 6 years since Chris Peterson took over the program, the Broncos are 63-5 with two BCS bowl victories.  As cute as it is to watch Boise’s yearly threats to the “System”, for any new system to have even the illusion of credibility, they have to be involved.  Plus, we’re quite sure the traditional powers would like nothing more than to see how the Blue Turfers do with a “real” schedule.

The Story:  The Big Ten considers itself a lofty, prestigious conference of tradition, legends and leaders that traces its roots back to 1896 so its admission standards would be pretty high.  In fact, if the school had more than 6,000 students and didn’t play their games in a stadium the size of Jim Tressel’s backyard, they’d probably offer to readmit the University of Chicago and call it a day.  But if they have to expand, Notre Dame, a long-time target, is the obvious choice and might finally be amenable knowing their special BCS status wouldn’t fly in the BPG.  Boise State lacks the history but is just too important in the modern landscape to be overlooked and brings the reputation (despite recent sanctions and a blue field) as a program of character, a fit for how the Big Ten sees itself.   While the Big 12 Refugees might not be football powers, they’re big, old public schools that should go stand on the Big Ten’s porch in the rain to make sure they get a spot in what would become the preeminent midwestern conference.    Kansas and Kansas State boast two of the best basketball programs in the country and a long-standing rivalry to immediately raise the Big 10 hardwood profile.   Missouri brings multiple successful sports programs and rivalries with Kansas, Nebraska, Illinois and Iowa State.  Iowa State plays Iowa for the Cy-Hawk, Missouri for the Telephone Trophy, Nebraska in the Cornhole Classic and K-State in Farmageddon (we only made one of those up).

New Divisions

Dicks (formerly Legends):  Minnesota, Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas, Kansas State, Missouri, Iowa State, Boise State, Wisconsin

Douches (formerly Leaders): Ohio State, Illinois, Purdue, Indiana, Penn State, Michigan, Michigan State, Notre Dame, Northwestern

Extra Benefits:  The annual round-robin “Pretentious Tournament” between Ohio State, Michigan, Notre Dame and Penn State for the right to get hammered by Nebraska or Wisconsin.  Kansas and Nebraska renewing a rivalry that was the longest continuously played game (since 1906) before Nebraska left the Big 12 last season.

The Bottom Line:  The Big Ten won’t just sit around and watch everyone else expand and not act even if it means getting their hands dirty.  Adding mid-tier football schools from the Big 12 and a big name like Notre Dame would allow them to expand without threatening the status of their traditional football powers at home.  Adding Boise is like your dad getting an earing.   

The Big Atlantic Coast Conference

Current Teams:

Big East (8): Connecticut, Louisville, Pittsburgh, Rutgers, South Florida, Syracuse, West Virginia, and Cincinnati

ACC (9): Duke, Maryland, North Carolina, North Carolina State, Boston College, Clemson, Wake Forest, Virginia, and Virginia Tech

Welcome to the Big Time … Villanova.  While Nova doesn’t currently play FBS football, what they do play is high-level basketball, which will be important in the new conference.  Still, the Wildcats have been a FCS power in recent years, winning a National Championship in 2009, play in a strong market, and are already considering a move to the Big East.  If they can find a 15,000-seat stadium to squat in, there’s little reason why this wouldn’t work.

Why They’re Wanted:  With Big East teams scattering like roaches in the light, the ACC will end up being the flag bearer of east coast football.  Still, if the SEC gets all grabby and lures away their best football schools in Miami, Florida State and Georgia Tech, the best move for the remaining members focus on their strength in basketball to keep football alive.  By leveraging the ACC’s regional influence and the Big East’s inherent advantage on the hardwood, the “new” conference would be the only basketball that matters with just enough football to maintain their status as a BPG conference.  Pittsburgh, West Virginia, Syracuse, Boston College, Clemson and Virginia Tech have enough cache and history to give the conference a top-level presence to stay on the national radar while teams that have made a commitment to football like Connecticut, Louisville, Rutgers, South Florida, Cincinnati, Maryland, and North Carolina try to step up and fill the void.  On the basketball front, adding Duke, Maryland and UNC to a conference with UCONN, Louisville, Pitt, Georgetown, Nova, St. John’s and Syracuse would be ridiculously fun and exciting and make the Big East Tournament at MSG (we heard it called the perfect sporting even once) even more intense (if only because everyone hates Duke).  Virginia has fans that are really smart but still insist on wearing suits to football games so they have that going for them.  NC State .... um, yeah.

New Divisions:

  

Big East Division:  UCONN, Syracuse, Boston College, Rutgers, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, Villanova, West Virginia, Louisville

Atlantic Coast Division:  Virginia Tech, Virginia, South Florida, Clemson, Wake Forest, Duke, North Carolina, North Carolina State, Maryland

Note: Basketball would play one 24-team conference.

Extra Benefits:  Watching Dick Vitale wet himself during in-conference games between Duke and Syracuse and UNC and UNCONN and waiting for Joe Lunardi’s head to explode trying to seed fifteen teams from one conference in “Bracketology.”  Waiting 25 years before a team from the conference makes the BPG Championship game.

Bottom Line:  On the “Island of Misfit Football Programs” they can live together or die alone in Conference USA.  Nobody wants to see that.  “The Big Atlantic Coast Conference:  The Only Basketball That Matters … and we play football too!!”

How It All Works

Scheduling:  All teams would continue to play 12 regular season games with 10 conference games and 2 out of conference tilts.  In conference, the teams would play every team in their division once with the conference making the determination as to how the 2 cross-divisional match-ups would be scheduled.  That would give the conference the option to protect rivalries, set up marquee match-ups or simply rotate teams year-to-year.  In any event, every important team in the country would be playing a brutal schedule and only slumming it with lower level teams twice a year.  The winners of each division would play in a neutral site conference championship game for the right to play for the national title.

The BPG Championship:  If we’ve learned anything during the ongoing debate about a college playoff it is that: (1) the bowls aren’t going anywhere; and (2) a true playoff isn’t going to happen because it adds too many games.  With that in mind, we’ll avoid the urge to simply create the 16-team playoff everyone wants and settle for a system that could conceivably happen. 

So, the existing BCS-bowls (Orange, Fiesta, Rose and Sugar) and the current system of rotating the national championship game stays in tact, with a minor tweak.

Currently, the BCS bowl system features 10 teams in 4 regular bowl games and the national championship.  The BPG bowl system would feature 8 teams – the 4 conference champions and 4 “At Large” teams (to give the system an appearance of fairness, one of the “At Large” spots would be reserved for any non-BPG conference team that finishes in the Top 8). 

Each year, two of the bowls would host semi-final games between the 4 conference champions with the match-ups decided by using the current system in which the bowls select the teams.  The other two bowls would host the two “at large” match-ups where, instead of competing for a championship, the players would be “rewarded for a good season”, i.e. make money for the bowl organizers.   All of these bowls would be played on the weekend of New Year’s.  A week later, the winners of the two semi-finals would meet in the BPG Championship Game held at one of the bowls who hosted an “at large” game the week before.  The next year, the bowls rotate their positions. Since the Rose Bowl is the granddaddy, they’d get special dispensation to reserve the Pac 18-Big 10 match-up in their semi-final years. 

 

For example, For example, in year one, if the Fiesta and Orange bowls would host the semi-finals.  The Rose would host an “at large” game and then the BPG Championship.  The Sugar would get first selection of the “at large” teams.   The next year, the Sugar would host the national championship game, the Rose and Orange the semis and the Fiesta only an “at large.”

Since all the teams are playing in such packed conferences with conference championship games, the regular season maintains that playoff feel, but we get the added bonus of actually seeing the four best teams decide the title on the field and crowning a “true” National Champion.  It’s beautiful in its simplicity. 

The End

And there you have it.  It’s not perfect (or necessarily even desirable) but, in our option, its far superior to what we have and what we’ll likely get.  Plus, and most importantly, there would be fun and compelling games in every conference, every week.  Not just during the spotlight Saturday night game.  If we can get, at least, the war will have been worth it.

Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 1

We're officially back for year two of the Persnickety Project's weekly bitching and moaning about the unfairness that is fantasy football.  We know you're excited.  For the uninitiated, here's the drill:  short (or not so) story about something shitty that happened in the past week and them we call out some random number of fantasy performers for fucking with our fantasy, and inarguably too important, lives.  Bad jokes abound and a good time is had by all.

We recently discovered the greatest thing in the history of the world - a lunchtime basketball game.  A group of guys from various state offices in the area play everyday for an hour at lunch at a local YWCA (it's like the YMCA but without the construction workers, bikers and Indians).  Like we said, greatest thing in the world.  There's only one problem.

Dinkuses.

Yes, dinkuses.  Wangs.  Whippy-Whops.  Dongs.  Ding Dongs.  Caciolas.  Willies.  Wieners.  Tools.  Wankers.  Power Tools.  Schlongs.  Johnsons.  Members. 

The underrated part of lunchtime basketball is that you sweat like an animal and then have to go back to work.  So, to most people, that means a shower in the locker room.  Which means lots of naked dudes.  Which means lots of penises.  Everywhere.  Of all shapes and sizes.  It's like browsing through the gallery on Brett Favre's Droid.

Maybe its a generational thing but nobody seems to mind standing around air drying their junk and talking about the weather.  Nobody except us, of course.  We're certainly not homophobic (peniphobic, perhaps) but there's something we find highly unsettling about standing in a 10 by 10 foot room full of naked men with their danglies out.  It's just kinda awkward.  So instead of showering, we stand the in the corner, sweating profusely and trying to get changed as quickly as possible to get the hell out of there.  Oh yeah, and trying desperately to maintain eye contact.

And that's our first hand account of having a day ruined by a dinkus.

Now, on to less uncomfortable things like fantasy football ...

1.  Cam Newton, QB/Savior, Carolina Panthers.


Holy Duckbills!! (good luck trying to figure out what obscenity that was autocorrected from)  No, the CBS ticker wasn't having a stroke on Sunday, Newton really did throw for 422 yards passing and account for 3 total touchdowns.  How's that for a debut?  From a lack of experience to a highly unimpressive preseason, Newton didn't appear ready to start much less star in Week 1.  But star he did.  Still, if we had to come up with one word to describe it would be "untenable."  As good as Newton looked (much more like a "real" quarterback than anyone would have guessed) the reasons people doubted early success didn't just disappear with one big game.  While we feel a lot better about our expectation that Newton will be a really good player, he's still a rookie and the Cardinals secondary might just stink.  If you have an extra bench spot, take a flier and hope to catch lighting in a bottle but its way too early to expect more.  If you do, you'll end up just like Carolina, picking high in next year's draft.

One side effect of Newton's unexpected competence was the potential resurrection of Steve Smith.  In what feels like another lifetime, Smith was a fantasy beast.   But with 178 yards (his highest total since October 2006), he's already a third of the way to last years total and his 2 touchdowns have already matched what he gave owners last season.  If the Panthers end up in a bunch of shootouts (or blowouts) and Newton can reliably get the ball down the field, Smith might find himself reentering starter territory for the first time in years.  He''ll never be the stud we once knew but he's at least making a case to again being THE Steve Smith.

2.  Chad Ochostinko, WR, New England Patriots.


How does a former Pro Bowler play in an offense that not only scores 38 points but has its quarterback throw for  a mind-numbing 517 yards on 32 completions (virtual us, with 99s across the board, on rookie couldn't do any better) and manage only 1 catch for 14 yards?  Was he being used as the world's finest decoy?  Did he give his uniform to a fan to wear as a gag?  Is he really Randy Moss, circa 2010?  Either way, with all the action going on around him you'd have figured Ocho would have at least stumbled into something like 4 for 60 and a passable fantasy day.  Instead, we're left to ponder whether, after one game, its premature to conclude that the rejuvenation tour is already cancelled.  Don't panic quiet yet, knowing that he only played 18 snaps, but if that number doesn't grow consistently, start moving your finger toward the button.

3.  Random Good Week 1 Numbers, Shitty Quarterbacks, Crappy Teams.


Chad Henne:  416 yards passing, 2 TDs.  59 yards rushing, 1 TD.

Kyle Orton:  301 yards, 1 TD

Jay Cutler:  312 yards, 2 TDs

Matt Hasselbeck: 263 yards, 2 TDs

Rex Grossman: 305 yards, 2 TDs.

Every single one of these guys outscored [Fill in the Blank] Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, Matt Ryan, Sam Bradford and Josh Freeman.  If you were on the wrong end of a game involving any of these players, you have permission to kick your opponent in the soul (or if your opponent happened to start one of the above-mentioned Shitty Quarterbacks, kick him/her where his/her soul should be).  Going forward, we wouldn't trust a goddamn one of these jokers.

4.  Donovan McNabb, QB, Minnesota Vikings.


7 for 15.  39 yards.  Really #5, did you seriously just do that?  Didn't you used to be, like, good and stuff?   That's disgrace worthy of making us consider all the nice things we said about him in our "$100 Million Always Seems Like a Good Idea at the Time" post.  Put anyone else on the team back there and they do better.  Shit, put that Dolphin with no tail from that weird "Morgan Freeman Just Got a Divorce" movie behind center and had him just nose balls over to Percy Harvin all game, and he breaks 100.  This type of thing will test the theory about whether you can retroactively invalidate a good career.  Maybe Shanahan wasn't wrong after all.  It's going to be an even longer and even colder winter for our Viking fan readers.

5.  Offense, Buffalo Bills.


Just like there's a special place in hell for people who faux-sheepishly force their way on to already overcrowded elevators, there's a special place in our posts for the Bills offense.  We wrote about them in stunned amazement as the one player who was supposed to do anything (C.J. Spiller) busted while three unheralded (and that's being kind) guys - Fred "Middling Action" Jackson, Steve "Stevie" Johnson, and Ryan "Is that the Quarterback from Harvard" Fitzpatrick - emerged as relevant fantasy contributors.  Surely it won't continue this year, right?

What's that you say, the Bills scored 41 on the Chefs?  Fitz threw 4 touchdowns, Jackson ran for 122 yards and Stevie got a tweet from the almighty telling him to get 66 yards and a touch?

Surely, we have no clue what we're talking about.  Ride your Bills, people.  Ride your Bills.

6.  Quad, Steven Jackson, RB, St. Louis Rams.


Our man crush on Jax dates back to 2006 when he tagged his 1500 yards on the ground with 90 catches and another 800 in the air.  The problem is, despite his big reputation, he's really only had one truly great season.  Still, 2 carries and a 47 yard touchdown into a season that would theoretically put him back in an offense where he could shine, it seemed like another might be in the cards.  Then he got hurt (again) and Pontiac Williams had 140 yards in his place.  Now Jax's quad is threatening to replace "Fred Taylor's Groin" as the go-to fantasy football injury joke.  Our love is a misguided one.

7.  LeGarrettee Blount, RB, Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

You know it's bad when your starting running back barely has more carries (5) then unnecessary letters in his name (3).  For an undrafted player who surprised on a surprising team as a power runner who remains deficient in areas like blocking and pass catching, 15 yards in the opening game is scary.  We've seen one-hit wonders before (Steve Slaton, anyone?) and we'll see them again.  Owners who drafted Blount high, better hope it's not him and not this year.