Fiction v. Fact - What If The Liberty Mutual "Doing the Right Thing" Commercial Happened in Real Life?

As part of our constant effort to write about things that nobody gives a half-a-shit about, we've setting our sights on that endlessly annoying "Doing the Right Thing" commercial by Liberty Mutual to figure out what would happen if these scenes played out in real life.  We call it "Fiction v. Fact."  Which is totally different from the Movies.com "Fiction v. Reality" column.  (And if it's not.  Well.  Um. Parody!?!?)

We've all seen the commercial.  It's been on about 1,000 times a day for a year. It has a song in it that you always think you should look up but never remember. (It's "Amen Omen" by Ben Harper.)  And according to the very company's very helpful website:

In "Doing the Right Thing", a series of people demonstrate that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

Implying of course that Liberty Mutual would rather do the "right" thing that fuck its customers over to protect its bottom line.  Which is obviously absurd.  And a commercial full of the kind of shit that doesn't happen in real life unless if involves old person with nothing better to do than mettle isn't going to change our mind.  

Scene #1:  A blind lady (despite the lack of stereotypical "Ray Charles" sunglasses, we know she's blind thanks to that helpful cane)  wanders haphazardly though a crowded train station.  

Fiction:  Right before she's about to run cane-first into bag, a man saves the day and moves it.  An inoffensively-brown guy watches while on his cellphone.  And learns that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

Fact:  Instead of a cane, the blind lady has a "seeing-eye" dog that everyone always wants to pet and gets all disappointed when she tells them they can't.  And then they do it anyway because, heck, she'll never see them do it.  The dog leads he around the abandoned bag just in time to avoid a mishap while the guy on the cellphone laments to his on-again/off-again girlfriend that "some blind woman just missed busting her ass on a suitcase in the middle of the train station," thinking it would have been hilarious.  His girlfriend fails to see the humor and tells him he's mean and they're "off-again" before hanging up.  Some nervous old woman sees the abandoned bag (which isn't really abandoned but just left by some guy who thought his wife was watching it while he went to pee) and calls the police to report a "suspicious package."  The police investigate, closing the station for 4 hours and ruining a thousand commutes.  The police end up arresting the brown dude because he's brown.  He narrowly avoids water boarding but ends up on a "No-Fly List."  Everyone learns that their lack of faith in humanity is warranted.

Scene #2:  In a soccer game, an uncoordinated white guy brutally slide-tackles his opponent.

Fiction:  After the tackle, the Inoffensively-Brown Guy helps the tackled player with a smile.  Ms. Smiley looks on smiling.  And learns that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

Fact:  The white guy is Central American.  And he's frustrated because the other guy has been flopping all day (this is soccer after all).  So he slide-tackles the shit out of him.  The tackled guy can't get up on account of the gruesome open fracture of his tibia.  Inoffensively-Brown Guy's attempt to help is misinterpreted as taunting and he ends up with a red card and a black eye.  Ms. Smiley passes out at the sight of exposed bone.  Everyone learns that their lack of faith in humanity is warranted.

Scene #3:  A balding man drops all his papers as he gets off the bus.

Fiction:  Ms. Smiley passes up her chance to get on the bus and helps him pick up his papers.  Discman looks on.  And learns that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

Fact:  Nobody carries paper anymore so the bald man actually drops his old Compaq laptop on the ground, under the bus, and in a puddle.  Ms. Smiley fakes like she's looking for her bus fare in her pocket and quickly scurries onto the bus.  She's already running late and HAS to stop at Starbucks before her hair appointment.  The bus quickly pulls away, crushing the laptop.  Since he has no back-up copy of his big presentation, baldy's meeting goes horribly and his company loses the account.  He gets fired and ultimately ends up homeless.  As she gets on the bus, Ms. Smiley shares a momentary "Sucks to be That Guy, Doesn't It?" look with Discman.  But after he makes the mistake thinking its an invitation for further conversation, she shuts him down with an unprovoked "I have a boyfriend" (which she doesn't).  But he only wanted to be friends anyway.  Everyone learns that their lack of faith in humanity is warranted.

Scene #4:  A woman and her baby are in line at the grocery store.  

Fiction:  Discman - whose diet apparently consists of little more than cheap popcorn - gallantly lets the Crying Baby Lady in line.  The creepy stalker in the background leers on.  And learns that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

Fact:  As the sounds of the screaming child grow closer, Discman goes into full box-out mode, turning his back, preventing to check his cell phone and generally trying to ignore Crying Baby Lady as he grows more perplexed as to why she can't just SHUT THAT FUCKING BABY UP!!  Or at least be courteous and show any other time when he's not there.  Right before he walks out the door, he turns around just slightly and giver her a really nasty look.  The Leering Guy leers.  Everyone learns that their lack of faith in humanity is warranted.

Scene #5:  Caught by the wind, a child's inflatable tube rolls off the beach.  

Fiction:  The Leering Guy catches it before it gets to the street.  A biking woman looks on.  And learns that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing..  

Fact:  The Leering Guy is nowhere near the beach as he's too busy planning how he's going to explain to Crying Baby Lady how much he's loved her ever since that day when she asked him if he knew where the taco shells were.  And that, while she doesn't know him and might be a little scared, they're soul mates.  And how he hopes she likes the collage he made of pictures he took while she was changing in her bedroom.  And wondering if he'll have to kill her like the last one.  With the Leering Guy not around, the tube flies aimlessly onto the path causing Bike Lady to lose control and run into a rollerblader who falls awkward and breaks his collarbone.  Before quickly riding away.  The rollerblader misses several months of exercising in odd and outdated ways.  Everyone learns that their lack of faith in humanity is warranted.

Scene #6:  A woman is raking her yard for the first time in decades, apparently.

Fiction:  Bike Lady, whose lawn is virtually finished, comes over and helps.  A man across the street washing his car.  And learns that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

Fact:  Instead of helping, Bike Lady quickly finishes raking, stopping blatantly at the property line, so she can call her other neighbor and bitch about how Edna can't keep her fucking house clean and its killing property values (you should SEE her fence.  It's just rotting away!!).  After she goes inside, Edna makes sure to subtly rake some of her excess leaves back onto Bike Lady's lawn.  And then lets her dog shit in the mums.  Across-the-street-guy daydreams away and just keeps lustily rubbing.  And rubbing.  And rubbing his car.  Everyone learns that their lack of faith in humanity is warranted.

Scene #7:  Someone pukes on the break room floor.

Fiction:  Mr. Rub walks in a promptly cleans it up.  A woman enjoying some leftover chicken fails to notice the giant spill on the floor.  And learns that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing.

Fact:  Mr. Rub is the short-tempered boss who takes out all the unhappiness in his personal life on his employees.  When he that Chicken Lady ignored the spill, he immediately belittles her to the point of tears and implies that she should take the responsibility of cleaning up after her coworkers because she's a woman.  Because everyone is afraid to get fired in a shitty economy, they ignore the tirade and allow it to continue.  Chicken Lady raises the issue with HR but nothing is ever done and she's eventually forced to leave for a lower-paying job.  Everyone learns that their lack of faith in humanity is warranted.

Scene #8:  Chicken Lady holds the door open.


Fiction:  Holy shit it's the blind lady from Scene #1.  Are we in some sort of time loop?  That would explain everything.  All our character must all be stuck in some altered state of consciousness (like purgatory, but don't call it purgatory) where they are stuck together  (because they were all so important in each others lives) until they learn that doing the right thing and doing the easy thing are rarely the same thing.  By the looks of things, there is a non-denominational church in their future.


Fact:  Upon seeing the blind woman coming, Chicken Lady makes a beeline for the other door to avoid having to hold the door until the next seven "I'm in such a hurry to get to work that I'm going to take advantage of you and you kindness" assholes pretend they didn't notice her standing there holding the door for 20 minutes.  Because that other way would just be a really shitty ending.  Just so damn unfulfilling.

15 Things We Can Learn From the Crazy Nebraskan LGBT Protest Lady

Pay close attention to the above video.  This is what we're up against, the opposition.  No, we're not talking about the opposition to equal rights for - yeah, we'll say it - EVERYONE.  No, we're going to resist the urge to call her a symbol of some fundamental christian, tea party, right wing extremist, all-kinds-of-shit-we-disagree-with movement of know-it-all assholes who want to force otherwise happy people to abide by their "values."  In fact, we won't even call her a symptom.  And we're going to hope and hope and hope (but not pray, obviously) that we're right.

This woman represents an entirely different group - crazy people.  The crazies are everywhere.  They're not hiding.   They have houses.  They wear matching shirts and hats.  And they know how to participate in the public process.  So for all the sane people out there (or at least those of us who manage our crazy well enough to get by), be afraid.

It's often said that education is the best weapon against ... bad stuff. (We're quite sure that a much more elegant saying exists.  But that's all we got.  And you get the point).  So maybe our best option to combat crazy persons is to try to gain some knowledge from the string of mostly unrelated, half-formed, barely-coherent ranting that inevitably comes during any interaction.  Just because she thinks her stream of consciousness is recreating "On the Road" when she's falling far short of even that bullshit "Sunscreen" song, doesn't mean we shouldn't at least try.

So we did.  And we came up with 15 things we can learn from the Crazy Nebraskan LGBT Protest Lady.   They could save your life someday.  

15.  Saying the the word "penis" in a public setting is significantly more offensive than spewing ignorant bigotry.

14.  The gays are intestine rupturing homiciders.  Worse yet, they also create of horrific manslaughtery reality-game shows hosted by an unfunny guy who is not the guy who created The Muppets.  And sadly, not Peter Tomarken.

13.  If you lick an anus during the bonus round of Wheel of Fortune and don't get antibiotics, you'll be dead before Final Jeopardy.  

12.  The federal government can eliminate children.  (Thanks to Obama's socialist agenda, no doubt.) 

11.  Whitney was somehow killed by gayness.  And most definitely not cocaine.

10.  Equality = molestation.

9.  There's an 80% chance Benedict Arnold was a nancy.

8.  It is possible to maintain (most of) your composure when confronted with insanity.  

7.  Someone was once so desperate that they roofied Hillary Clinton and established a new definition of "rock bottom."

6.  ab-hor-rent (ab-uncomfotable silent stutter-hhhorrent)

     adjective

     1.  Disgusting, loathsome, or repellent.  As in this lady is fucking abhorrent.  

5.  Ancient Rome was the place to be.

4.  A gay is a behavior.  And on a entirely related note, shoplifters don't make good salespeople.  

3.  We're thankful we didn't go to school in San Francisco.  

2.  Judas was a homo.  And if forced to choose, we go with over the boring celibate guy with a god complex.  

1.  If there's more where she came from, we're all fucking done for.

The Avengers - 5 Observations from the Midnight Premier

Now that "The Avengers" has made something in the neighborhood of $6 bajillion dollars and is being hailed as perhaps the finest cinematic achievement in the history of earth (only one of those is an extreme exaggeration), we figured it a good time to assemble (get it) our 5 keenest observations from the 12:01 IMAX 3D Super Premier Funtime Show.  

1.  Midnight is Late.  Whether that statement seems utterly ridiculous or utterly obvious likely depends on what side of lame you reside on.  If we've proven nothing in our time as an amateur blogger, we've certainly shown that it the lateness of midnight should have come as no surprise to us.  But just as an early-morning flight from JFK, it was an idea that seemed really good at the time.  Unfortunately, as the hour creeped closer, we significantly less convinced.  Midnight is late.  And we get sleepy.  

We've built a life so focused on ensuring as much sleep as possible, we see midnight but twice a month.  To be up that late is a challenge.  Much less to be contemplating going out.  So at no later than 9:30 did the thoughts start to creep in.  Boy that bed looks comfortable.  What if we didn't go?  Would we really be missing anything?  Maybe the responsible thing to do is to not go.  Get to bed early and be ready to tackle the day at work tomorrow.  Yeah, that's it.  Staying home is a career decision.  That's how we'll rationalize our lameness.  And those guys are only "work" friends, anyway.  Tonight was probably the only time we’d have ever see them out of that context.  Might as well just skip the awkwardness.  It’s not like we haven't sacrificed friends for a good night's sleep before.

Luckily, we didn't flake.  Mostly because we were holding the tickets.

2.  Playing Dress Up.  It seems to have become increasingly acceptable in society to dress like a douche in your every day life.  Big dopey glasses are apparently cool. And layers of ill-fitting sweaters, second-hand t-shirts and awful hair is no longer the providence of the homeless   As long as your pants are too tight.  Still, the only acceptable time when an "adult" can dress-up like their favorite comic book character (besides a Halloween party or a particularly pathetic night at home) is a movie premier.  Luckily, whether they spent good money …

"Excuse me, Ironman?
You're going to need to turn off that glowing nuclear reactor thing in your chest.
It's bothering the other customers."

 ... or make their own odd (and uncomfortable) knockoff.

"Excuse me, Iron Man!?!
You're going to need to put your package away.
It's bothering the other customers."

The geeks were out in full force. And it was awesome.

 

3.  Everybody's a Comedian.  Since we don't normally: (1) go to the movies until six weeks after the film has been released; or (2) go the movies at all, we'd forgotten how much fun the opening night could be.  By 11:20, the theater was virtually full.  And the atmosphere was electric with anticipation.  It made the opportunity to see a movie that literally millions of other people would watch in utterly the same way seem exclusive.  It was an event.  And then the previews started.  And the fun energy devolved into a contest of who could yell the loudest thing at the screen.  We could bear the shouts when irony-icon Chuck Norris showed up in the preview for "The Expendables 2."  But when all the creativity in the room had evaporated and people resorted to simply yelling out whatever happened to be on the screen at a given time like your grandmother reads road signs on a car trip, we were done.  That's despite "PARAMOUNT!!" being an excellent and helpful observation for our blind, hearing impaired and/or illiterate fellow moviegoers.  If you want to express your inner funny and make virtually nobody laugh, write a blog like every other respectable person does.  And shut your fucking mouth in the theater.

4.  One Fading Moment.  After the movie, the atmosphere remained electric.  As the theater emptied there was an undeniable euphoria and as much a sense of community as a movie theater in Hamilton, NJ could hold.   When some random stranger started talking to us about the cameo made by the "scrolls" (or "Skrulls," perhaps.  But it totally sounded like scrolls), instead of pulling our usual "look straight ahead and pretend this person isn't talking to us" move, we looked vaguely in his direction and quizzically said "yeah?"  It was a MOMENT.  Until we reached the parking lot and faced the thing that strips even the most beautiful people of their humanity – traffic, horrible, parking lot traffic.  Soon everyone had returned to their natural state of fuck you.  And we were forced to endure ten full minutes of our god-awful “reverse beep” (yes, the Prius, a car that barely makes any noise when its actually, you know, driving, makes a constant beeping sound when in reverse.  And, as we learned last week, it never stops) while we waited for our chance to be as big of a dick as the guy who pretended not to see us attempting to back-out.  And just that quickly, the moment was gone and we went back to hating people. 

5.  The Movie.  Apparently a movie review requires some discussion of the movie itself.  In an attempt to as unspoilery as possible, we’ll simply say it was fantastic.  Joss Whedon managed to take no less than 9 characters, 4 of whom had just carried their own Big Summer Movies, and gave them all something to do.  No character felt superfluous.  Loki was menacing.  Cap the natural leader.  Thor the semi-conflicted brother.  Tony Stark the emotional center with the wit and energy from Iron Man 1, the film that really made this whole thing possible in Iron Man.  He even came up with an ingenious way to adequately use the least necessary character of all – Hawkeye – and made ScarJo slightly more than just a pouty face in tight pants.  Plus, the Spiderman cameo didn't feel over the top.  

And then there was The Hulk.  As the trailer so eloquently puts it - “We have a Hulk.” (be prepared for an endless string of "We have a Hulk" jokes)  A Hulk done right.  Finally.  If it was possible to steal the show, “the other guy did it.”  He easily lead the league in “[Expletive] Yeah” moments.

And they all got to play together.  The movie mixed-and-matched each of the characters so thoroughly and effectively that you could have played “Two Character/One Scene" bingo.  Maybe its not the “The Dark Knight” in terms of “grittiness” and “realism” (inasmuch as a mad who fights crime in a bat costume can be considered either).  But it was everything a super hero movie should be - huge, fun and, at times, absolutely hilarious.  It exceeded even our most ridiculous of expectations.

So see the movie.  And afterwards, we’ll all go for shawarma. 

The Real Reason Why Old People Food Shop on Weekends

Finally we have an answer to the eternal question of why, despite not having to work all week, old people are always wandering around Shop Rite on a Saturday getting in your way as they try to figure out the unit price of yogurt with the coupon (or is it a double coupon this week?  They don't know).  We get it, your on a fixed income.  Just pick the one with the fruit in the bottom and move the hell on.  We have to get shit done so we can go home and take a nap.  Um..anyway, they're at the store enraging us is because they've been busy.  Doing it.  All the damn time, apparently.

Just check out the video.  It might look look funny to you.  But this is exactly how senior citizens have sex; on the floor, fully clothed and, on most occasions, sporting their best cruise attire.  And definitely with their shoes on.  No way their going to walk around in bear feet.  They might catch a cold.

Yes, your grandmother is still doing it.  And apparently she's spreading STDs faster than low bone density.  But a calcium supplement won't help.  The only thing that will help is education.  After learning so much from our elders over the years, its our turn to teach.  So, please, sit down with your Gram/Grammy/Grandma/Nanna/Nanny/Mima/Old Lady Poopy-Pants, or whatever you call her, and talk to her about the birds and the bees.  And the clap.  Explain that STDs are bad.  They they'll cause pain in urination, discharge, rashes, ulcers, dementia and other types of mind and body failure.  And that those things are only supposed to occur naturally or as side-effects of some prescription medicine.  The old lady needs to know that its not worth that type of suffering for a few seconds of pill-induced pleasure.  Even if it is the only pleasure she has left besides 'Wheel of Fortune."

And if after watching the video asks why they're dancing like that and tells you, yet again, about her time as a flapper during the "Roaring 20's."  There's a website.  Show it to her.  Of course, you'll probably have to sign her online.  And explain to her, yet again, how to use "The Google."  But your Sunday is already ruined with having this conversation anyway.  So you might as well go all in.  Spend the extra time (and while you're at it, send some messages from her long-dormant Facebook account that she'll never respond to.  Something like "Hi." or a comment on the word her granddaughter just played on Words.)

The website is full of important information on the "unique challenges, opportunities [we assume this means broken hips and heart attacks] and joy of sex and intimacy in our later years."  Hopefully we'll find that thought less gross when we reach our "later years."  Topics such as:

"Condoms:  Not as Difficult to Use as the Cable Box."  This section contains helpful icebreakers like "Your condoms or mine? Seriously, do you remember where we put them?" and "How many of these do you think we'll need tonight?"

How to make things really hot by "piling up the pillows to support your joints."  "You like that lumbar support don't you?!?"

And finally, "'Not Tonight' to 'Hot Tonight'" and, of course, "Lighting the Spark When You Have Prostate Cancer."  And so, so many more.

(No, we're not nearly clever enough to make either of those two up.)

So, act now.  and save the elderly from their loins.

The More You Know.

End of the World? What Kentucky's Victory Means for College Basketball

When we woke up tired last Tuesday after staying up entirely too late watching Kentucky beat Kansas in a game that was never as close as the score indicated, we expected the worst.  We expected the first National Championship for the almost universally hated John Calipari (if you believe the NCAA, it came in his first Final Four appearance) to lead to massive earthquakes, fiery rain and "Snooki for President" signs.  We expected the end of the world.  Or the end of college basketball at least.  But it didn't. The sun shined as much as it always does during a New Jersey April and we went to work just the same.  So what does Kentucky's victory, on the backs of another of Coach Cal's vaunted/reviled "one-and-done" classes, mean for the future of college basketball?

Nada.  Zip.  Naught.  Love.  Zilch.  Zip.  Smashing Pumpkins song.  Coke that doesn't taste quite like Coke.

Nothing.

While it is tempting to see this as a change in the way elite programs build their teams.  Just like we imagined the Heat would start a trend of player-GM's coalescing in major markets.  But that hasn't worked out exactly as planned.  And Coach K won't start recruiting groups of elite one year prospects, starting an arms race ending with something resembling the early 2000's AL East with a few teams dominating and everyone else just happy to be on the field (or the court in this case).  Kentucky's "system" isn't going to take hold and leave us with an even more defined upper class that "shares the best 25 players each year."      

Putting aside for a moment that fact that all of these elite programs already target and heavily recruit the one-and-doners.  And any team would have bent over backwards for a chance to sign one of both of Anthony Davis, Michael Kidd-Gilchrist or Marquis Teague, just like they did when they had chances at Carmelo Anthony, Greg Oden and Kevin Durant.  Even Duke (yes, Duke) happily recruited players guys like Kyrie Irving and Austin Rivers who they could not have expected to stay for any longer than a semester.  Even this year, Duke was in on this year's #2 prospect Shabazz Muhammad who could be a Top 5 draft pick in 2013.

The more important reason is that the demise of college hoops is overstated is because, quite simply, it doesn't work.  Expecting to win titles with 18-year old kids, no matter how talented, just doesn't work.  No, we haven't forgotten what happened last week.  But what made this year's UK squad so special was that they were just that - special.  The genius of Coach Cal's performance wasn't getting all that talent to campus. It was getting a group of teenagers, fresh out of high school to play together.  To not be distracted by their NBA dreams and imminent riches, and the effect that not getting enough shots could have on both, to defend, share the ball and compete at an elite level.  To play to win about all else.  That's nearly impossible.  Despite what we think we know, the most talented team doesn't always win in basketball.  The best Team does.  Especially in a single elimination tournament. (though sometimes this devolves into the hottest team).

For as talented as this year's team was (with the potential top two NBA draft picks as long as MKG shoots well in workouts and doesn't get passed by Beal, Robinson or Drummond), it's not like the talent was significantly better then the two prior versions.  Cal's first team featured 5 lottery picks (John Wall, DeMarcus Cousins, Eric Bledsoe, Daniel Orton and Patrick Patterson).  Just like this year, that team had the consensus #1 player  in John Wall and maybe the second most talented player in DeMarcus Cousins.  Despite that overwhelming talent and even with a veteran presence like Patrick Patterson, the team lost in the Elite 8.  The next year, while not as good, still featured top level recruits Brandon Knight, Terrance Jones and Deron Lamb and players such as Darius Miller, DeAndre Liggins and Josh Harrelson (Jones, Lamb and Miller all formed major pats of the core of this year's team) and managed to reach the Final Four.

Both teams were successful but neither could execute enough when it counted.  Kentucky needed two transcendent freshman and a bunch of excellent complimentary parts to do what they did.  So enjoy it, don't lament it, it's something we're unlikely to see again for awhile.   

The more interesting question is where this team fits in the hierarchy of the best title squads from the last decade or so.  After all is said and done, we might look back I'm amazement at how Davis/MKG/Jones/Teague all shared a college court together.  But from a pure college prospective as it stands now, we can think of four teams on their level.

2001 Duke 

Key Players:  Jay Williams, Shane Battier, Carlos Boozer, Mike Dunleavy Jr., Nate James, Chris Duhon

Breakdown;  Kentucky's advantage lies with Davis and MKG over James and Boozer (particularly in the college game) but we'd much rather have the college versions of Battier, Williams and Dunleavy over Jones/Teague/Lamb.

Edge:  Duke, barely.

2004 North Carolina

Key Players:  Sean May, Rashad McCants, Jawad Williams, Raymond Felton, Jackie Manuel, Marvin Williams

Breakdown:  May was a double-double machine and the UNC starting five were the darlings of their time.  But Davis' size and agility would be too much for them, just like it was for everyone this year.  MKG  takes McCants out of the game on the wing and UNC can't score enough to win.

Edge:  Kentucky by 8.

2006-2007 Florida

Key Players:  Joakim Noah, Al Horford, Corey Brewer, Lee Humphrey, Taurean

Breakdown:  This game would be epic.  The back-to-back champs had the continuity and togetherness of Kentucky but with an extra year or two of experience.  The front lines play to a standstill with each guy feeling like he's looking at a bizarro version of himself.  In a game decided by the backcourts, Doron Lamb could be the difference.

Edge:  Push.

2008 North Carolina 

Key Players:  Tyler Hansbrough, Wayne Ellington, Ty Lawson, Danny Green, Deon Thompson, Ed Davis

Breakdown:  Hanbrough was fantastic in leading UNC to the title and Ty Lawson has proved to be underrated.  But even if Lawson controlled the tempo, Jones would guard Psycho T while Davis lurked behind looking for swats.  Unless his kamikaze style could get them both in early foul trouble, UNC would be in trouble.

Edge:  Kentucky by 8.

Kentucky was a fun team to watch, one that made even the biggest UK or Coach Cal haters give respect.  They played hard, played to win and did everything that the purists want a team to do (except, we guess, be 21 years old).  And that's how they'll be remembered.  Not quite the best.  And certainly not the end of the sport.

Stupid Commenter Beatdown - Winning the Lottery Doesn't Turn You Into An Ass, Talking About What You'd Do If You Won Does

Symptoms of "Lottery Fever" include
 extreme depression when you never,
ever, fucking win.

Lottery fever hit us all last week.  The time when we collectively decide that the amount of money at stake so obscene that it demands our attention; as if $50m wasn't worth our time and takes a half-a-billion to get our attention.  When someone in our offices goes around collecting money for a ticket pool.  And everyone buys in to ensure they aren't the only person left at the office if the group wins.  And we all use the calculator program on our phone or computer (because nobody can actually do math) to find out how much  our cut would be, get greedy, and buy our own personal tickets.  And then we root like hell for those tickets to win because, you know, fuck everyone else.  

But more importantly than that, we all get to talk about what we'd do if we won.  And it makes us all sound ridiculous.  Most would do one of the same five things.  Go on vacation.  Buy a house or a car.  Pay your bills.  Blow it on coke.  Others get all altruistic and smart.  They'd start a foundation or a charity.  Or invest   it.  Or give two weeks notice.  Some claim they wouldn't change a thing.  Well, those people are way better than we are.  We'd quit before Yolanda Vega finished saying the last number, drop $10k on our boss' desk to ensure our work doesn't even up falling to the people we dislike the least, and immediately begin the life we were meant to lead as a "Man of Leisure."  And then eventually get bored and start doing weird things like journeying to the bottom of the ocean.  Or completing a collection of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle toys (and punching Michael Bay in the face).  We'd live the glorious life of a weird rich person.

That's our idea.  But there are so many others that NJ.com had to post not one but two stories about it.  HIGHLIGHTS!!

Buy a yacht. Travel the world. Feed the homeless.  What one can do with a dollar and a dream.

Quit your job.  Purchase a question mark?  Seriously.  Quit.  Your.  Job.

And NBA rookie Chris Singleton, who plays for the Washington Wizards, said on his Twitter page he was going to spend $10,000 on the lottery game and "cross his fingers."

Hey Chris.  Hate you shit on your dreams and all.  But YOU ALREADY WON THE FUCKING LOTTERY.  Twice.  Millions and millions of people work all their lives to play in the NBA but don't have the physical skills.  But you won the genetic lottery and ended up a 6'8" superhuman.  And the, out of the thousands of people with comparable physical skills, you're still one of the few who get a $3m contract.  Uncross your fingers and work on your jumpshot.  Jackass.

All of Thursday’s cash, excitement and sales over the national lottery pushed the jackpot from $500 million to $540 million — the largest lottery jackpot in the world, said Judith Drucker, a spokeswoman for the New Jersey State Lottery. The jackpot jumped to a record $640 million around noon today.

We interrupt this snark for a brief moment of sincerity:  Holy shit that's a lot of money.

Barry Caraway, 65, of Newark was one who upped sales by buying one ticket.

"It’s so high," Caraway said of the jackpot. "And I figured, why not take a dollar chance."

Caraway said he would pay off his bills and buy a ship, that he’ll call "Freedom," if he wins.  "That way I could travel all around the world and do good," he said as he walked out of New Alicea Supermarket on Broad Street with a single ticket tucked in his hand. "With $500 million, you could probably try."

Ah, yes.  The good ship Freedom.  Traveling the world and doing ... good!  Delivering much needed things like fruit snacks and jealousy.  But only to those people who live near the beaches or marinas that can accommodate a massive mega-millions yacht.  Who are probably doing okay anyway.  If Barry's parents had only bought him that captain's hat he wanted for his 5th birthday.  If he doesn't win the lottery, he could probably still afford the board game.  It's Kafkaesque!!

Erika Hegelheimer, who works at a 7-Eleven on Bloomfield Avenue in Bloomfield, said the high jackpot has drawn people who don’t normally play the lottery.  "Suddenly, there’s all these possibilities available," said Hegelheimer, adding a half-billion dollars "is a little hard to resist."

Especially when your job prospects involve working at a place with a cleaning policy of Never-Never, and serves  "fresh food" on hot rollers and bad Icees in leftover "Legend of the Guardians:  The Owls of Ga'Hoole" cups.

Laura Modesto of Elizabeth said it was so hard to resist that she can’t stop buying tickets. As of Thursday, Modesto, who works at a diner in Linden, had eight tucked away in her car.  "I wanna be rich," she said of her purchases. "I’m going to share it with everybody, build my dream house and (have) a better future for my daughter."

There are likely better ways to bold a future for your children than playing a one-in-a-gazillion chance.  Just saying.

Andrzej Oczkos, 55, of North Arlington bought 175 tickets at a Leprechaun News in Rutherford, where it’s advertised that a ticket for one of the largest Mega Millions jackpots was sold there. He said he and 33 of his coworkers put in about $5 each.  "You never know," said Oczkos, a mechanic at a plant that manufactures beverages in Carteret. "A dollar makes a dream."

Maybe you do never know.  But what we are sure about it that she got the phrase wrong. 

Oczkos said if he doesn't win, then he'll still be working his mechanic job at a plant that manufactures soda and tea in Carteret. But if he wins, he may not come in on Monday.  "If I win, I'll quit the job," he said.

Breaking News:  People Who Win Lottery May Not Continue to Work in Manual Labor

"If you don’t win today, you might win tomorrow," said Esther Harris of Elizabeth after buying three Mega Millions tickets at her area 7-Eleven, on South Elmora Avenue in the city ... "You get caught up in the excitement," she said. "You watch the drawing and share in other people’s excitement. Once the numbers are drawn, they might not be so happy, but tomorrow’s another day too."

This woman's optimism is depressing.  

Nick, who asked not to give his last name, said he usually buys tickets with guys at work, but today he came by Cafe Clair to pick one up for himself.  Nick gave a get-serious look when asked if he thinks he'll win the jackpot.  "No," he said flatly. "But it gives me some hope."

Now, that's more like it!  There is nothing better than the soul-crushing "hope" of someone desperate to be freed of their mediocre life though the lottery.

Had enough?  Too bad.  Our faithful commenters must be heard.

Real

Good luck and hopefully people don't go crazy by blowing their life savings over this Mega Millions Jackpot!

That is sooo Real.

learn3drive

If I won, I would set up many endowment funds to help support various non-profits which benefit mankind...you know, instead of buying silly things like luxury SUV's and televisions and obnoxious houses.

Liar.  That's the kind of story you tell people to make yourself look good when in reality you'd buy a big house, hoard your money and become a recluse separated from the rest of mankind by your great wealth, unable to relate to other people.  That doesn't actually sound kind of awesome.

dollz

I WOULD PAY OFF MY KIDS COLLEGE LOANS OFF ALSO, GIVE ALL KIDS MONEY AND HOMES, GIVE MY MOM WHATEVER HER HEART DESIRES. ALSO GIVE TO MY BROTHERS, SISTER, NIECES AND NEPHEWS, BUT IF ANY OF THEM ARE YOUNG, THEY MUST GO TO COLLEGE OR A SCHOOL FOR A HIGHER EDUCATION BEFORE THEY CAN HAVE ANY MONEY. COLLEGE PAID BY ME SO NO EXCUSES . ALSO ANYONE WHO DO NOT WORK AND ARE ABLE BODY AND YOUNG ENOUGH,. YOU HAVE TO FIND A JOB, I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS. AS LONG AS IT'S LEGAL.I'D GIVE MONTHLY CHECKS, BUT YOU QUIT, IT STOPS. AND THEN I'D GIVE TO MY CHURCH. AND FOR ME, I'D MOVE OUT OF STATE, BUILD BY WATER, TRAVEL , GET A CAR, AND SIT BACK AND ENJOY MY LIFE

AND BUY A NEW KEYBOARD WITH AN UNSTUCK SHIFT KEY.

jerseyguy

It is all astronomical luck and most players know that, it is pretty hard to to avoid. You need a hook in the water to catch a fish and yes sometimes lightning is caught in a bottle! Bring on those winning numbers....

After all, a dollar does make a dream.

202Ohojo

If I hit the jackpot I would buy a mansion and hire George Zimmerman as head of my security.


That's raycess.  

realpatriot7

I'm the richest man in the world. I don't make much money but I love waking up everyday, enjoy my job, have a great family, and I save enough money to go on a couple of short vacations every year to Florida or someplace else inside the country. I see people get off the subway everyday looking like zombies, anxiously waiting for the weekend to arrive. I enjoy everyday of my life. I tell all the younger generations to get find a job in something they would actually ENJOY doing. Forget about how much it pays.  

I have no wish to win the Lottery.

And we've made our point.  

Sports Christmas - Francesca Hates Obama For Picking Chalk, Is Wrong, Promptly Picks Chalk

Thanks to our vacation (Looking for a place to go? Go here.) and the preparation therefore, our blogging record has been spotty the last few weeks.  But now we're back, refreshed and ready to write about things that likely only interest us.  It's glorious!!

Being as smooth as we are, we were able to plan our vacation to sync perfectly with our second favorite time of the year - Sports Christmas (or March Madness if you don't believe that he died so we could watch basketball for four days straight every year).  So on Sports Christmas Eve, we found ourselves slooooowly driving past the scenic vistas and views that are Staten Island, in the holiday spirit and in need of some sports knowledge.

(On a side note:  If you're from New Jersey, don't fly out of JFK.  It's the type of decision that seems eminently reasonable 3 months before your vacation when saving $300 seems like the greatest thing in the world.  But when the alarm goes off a 3:30 in the morning for a 7:30 flight, you just feel ridiculous.  Add in the fact that they apparently don't believe in road maintenance in either Brooklyn or Queens and it's a no-brainer to pay a few extra dollars rather than go off-roading at 70 mph in the dark on 4 hours of sleep.)

We'd been running at a deficit since the night before when the ESPN feed at our hotel, not the real ESPN but some weird amalgamation of all its different channels, decided inexplicably to follow Western Kentucky's epic comeback over the Sugerbaker University Fighting Delta Burke's with some show about elderly women playing soccer instead of BYU's even more epic comeback over Iona.  So we went to the radio.

We first tried ESPN radio and the "Michael Kay Show."  It speaks volumes of the quality of afternoon New York sports radio that on most days the best option is to listen to the Yankeee play-by-play announcer's show with an unfiguratively huge head and penchant for using unnecessary SAT words.  But given the fact that Francesa's pomposity grows exponentially with each passing day, it is.  Unfortunately, Kay must have been busy having awkward conversations with his supposed buddy Al Leiter and singular Stephen A. Smith was sitting in.  That shit is nonnegotiable, so we headed back to WFAN and "Mike's On" (the show has undergone drastic changes from its most recent incarnation as "Mike'd Up," none more so than the old and new intro songs which were apparently done by the same company that did the endings for "Mass Effect 3.")

After less than five minutes of bloviating, we'd already surrendered our quest for knowledge and settled for opinions.  Unassailable opinions.  As a long-time listener ("first-time, long time"), we've always known Mike to be difficult.  But in the years since his Dawg ran away, he's become only more insufferable and without an equal like the Angry Puppy to check him, facts simply have bearing.  Instead of mellowing, he's become one of those unyielding older gentlemen that nobody can stand because he thinks anyone with a differing opinion is absolutely wrong and is willing to fight (and belittle you) until you simply give up and walk away.  Or in Mike's case, hang up in disgust.  He's like a slightly less jovial version of Bobby Knight.

Still, most times it's tolerable.  For all his faults, Francesa has been around a long time and does now a ton, particularly when it comes to the NFL (Pah-cells) and the Yahnks (Jetah).  You can deal with his being uninformed when it comes to pretty much everything else.  His outdated opinions are always kind of quaint.  But when he's just plain lazy and wrong?  We can't just let that go.

Like when he decided (completely unprovoked, to the extend ESPN's constant presence isn't considered endlessly provoking) to shit on ESPN's Barack-etology (yuck) and President Obama's selections.  As repeated fawteen times because he can no longer fill 5 hours of airtime with original thought, his argument was two-fold: (1) who cahes; and (2) the President picked too much chawk.  Who cares?  Really?  We live in a country that hasn't elected a president with facial hair since the turn of the fucking century (and not even the most recent century).  Or had a major party candidate since 1948 when Dewey and his stache ran.  (How'd that work for him?)  Or a non-Christian.  Or a fat guy.  (Taft was a fat, bearded, non-Christian but he's most remembered for getting stuck in a bathtub.)  Shit, we had to suffer through 8 years of the dumber Bush (terrr) because people wanted to have a beer (do a line?) with the guy.  We're a society of fickle assholes and we do care.  Whether we want to admit it or not, we all fucking care what the leader of the free world thinks about the 5-12 match-ups.  We're all such shallow dicks that his entire campaign strategy in Kentucky and North Carolina might go out the window with his pick of the Tar Heels.  (You know at least one consultant tried to talk him into Ohio State.  That Sullinger sure is a winner, Barry!!)

And he didn't even pick all chalk.  Obama did what every single sane person who plays these damn brackets did, picked a few upsets in the first couple of rounds (VCU, Xavier, Virginia, West Virginia, NC State) and went with the bigger, better teams in the end.  What was he supposed to do, pick Belmont for the Sweet Sixteen and ruin his bracket at 5:30 on Friday like we did?  Or maybe he could have just punted his entire bracket like Francesanilly.  The man is supposed to be smart and principled.  He's not supposed to pick Lehigh or Norfolk State.  That's what stupid people do. (Results don't always validate decisions.)  Should the man risk his reelection by having Kentucky get picked off in the Sweet Sixteen?  Or risk angering the Michiganders?  That's a worse campaign strategy than turning our country intro a socialist dictatorship (HE HAS TO BE STOPPED!!)

Sure, last year was cute when Final Four had a combined seed total of 26.  But way more often that number ends up closer to 5 or 6.  We all remember George Mason, Butler and VCU because they were anomalies.  But the dirty little secret about March Madness (It's not really dirty.  Or a secret.  But that sounded like something someone would write) is that it is getting significantly harder to predict.  In fact it's almost impossible.  There will always be reasoned and predictable upsets (like VCU or NC State this year) but it's likely we'll be seeing even more of the "impossible" ones, like Lehigh or Norfolk State, each year.  Not only do the long term effect of the NBA exodus of top players from top programs even the field when compared to senior laden mid-majors rising up in cycles, but now, more than ever, we're seeing really good players like C.J. McCullom or Isaiah Cannan going to places where they can play and star, rather than being complimentary players at bigger programs.  The result is that except for Kentucky (who uses a totally unique blueprint) and UNC (who got lucky and had 3 certain lottery picks return to school) and their absurd rosters, there's really no difference between the 2 seeds and the 15 seeds.  How many times before has Lehigh had a player who was better than everyone Duke had to offer?  The effect is that the world of college basketball is becoming flat.  So what do you do when that happens?

Make like your President and go with the chawk.