Have You Seen This Man's Dong?
Everyone else has and they're not impressed.
We may have mentioned previously that we frequent the football games of our beloved Scarlet Knights. As part of our season ticket package, we get pre-paid parking passes which allows us to continue our life-long pattern of not carrying any cash and avoid the infernal busing system. Unfortunately, our parking arrangement subject us to the wrath of the infamous (at least in our minds) "Parking Nazis."
The Parking Nazis are the amazingly annoying individuals who manage the parking lots, wielding absolute power without the impediments of logic. Like many fans, we enjoy a nice tailgate before another soul-crushing defeat at the Birthplace of College Football.
When we got there last Friday we headed straight for our usual lot (which fortunately had been free of Parking Nazi interference so far this season). Sadly, we were stopped dead by one of these creatures (transcript reflects actual conversation or at least how we'd like to embellish it):
Us: Hi, we'd like to park in this completely empty parking lot which is very clearly marked as one in which we are allowed to park by virtue of our parking pass.
PN #1: Technically, we can't let you park here.
Us: (thinking) Technically - is this some sort of troll riddle that we have to solve to get in the lot?
(talking) What's the technicality?
PN #1: (stares blankly)
Us: Can't you just let us in since the lot is completely EMPTY and we're very clearly allowed to park here by virtue of our GODDAMN PARKING PASS.
PN #1: Nope, you have to park across the street in the lot which doesn't seem to have any tailgating space remaining. We can't let you in here until the other lot is completely full, which will be sometime in the next 5 minutes.
Us: So you can't just let us in?
PN #1: (walks away)
Us: THERE'S NO LOGIC BEHIND YOUR RULES!! (drives across and into the fuller lot)
PN #2: (standing in the middle of the road, waiving arms maniacally and pointing to the overly full portion in the middle of the pavement) Go That Way!
Us: But we don't want to park there, we're here to tailgate and parking in the middle of a crowded lot completely defeats the purpose.
PN #2: (continues to wave, ignoring our presence) Go That Way!
Us: (considers running the skinny fuck over but relents and turns left)
PN #3-6: (chanting as if in some type of trance) Come over here there's a sport for you where there's absolutely no room to do the one thing you can count on enjoying when you come to the game!!
With that, we weaved slalom-style through these morons and luckily managed to find the last suitable tailgate spot in the lot just in time to unpack and watch them open the other lot. Of course, since we hate confrontations and can't let things go, we spent the rest of the tailgate intermittently being annoyed by those bastards. The damn Parking Nazis ruined our day. Much like these guys:
1. Arian Foster, RB, Houston Texans;
Ok, so maybe the Giants Defense is actually kinda for real. One week after harassing the Bears into oblivion, they completely shut down the NFL's leading rusher, holding Foster to only 25 yards on 12 carries. Things got so bad for Foster that Sunday's announcers (Kenny, Moose and Goose) called for the Texans to bench Foster in favor of back-up Derrick Ward. Owners have rightfully relied on Arian for big games so far this season, making Sunday especially ruinous.
2. Hakeem Nicks, WR, New York Giants;
In that same game, we encountered one of the favorite themes of this column (other than its absurd length and uncomfortable focus on men's groins) - "Random Dudes Who Have Huge Games and Screw People." Nicks is making a habit of showing up on that list. In Week 1, Nicks burst onto the scene with 3 touchdown catches but after a pedestrian next two weeks we wrote the game off a a fluke. The last two weeks have made us reconsider that assessment. After an 8 catch, 110 yard performance against the Bears, Nicks set career highs in catches and yards with a dominant 12 catch, 130 yard, 2 TD day. With 3 huge games in 5 weeks, its time to move him off the random dudes list so he doesn't ruin the days of any more skeptical owners.
3. Brett Favre, QB, Minnesota Vikings;
No, he didn't send us picture of his junk (Favre Junk: Guaranteed to Ruin Your Day). Instead, Favre pulled out the rare feat of ruining the days of both his owners and their opponents. If your old and tired like us, you probably have trouble staying up past halftime of the Monday night game. If that was the case, you would have only witnessed Favre's limp first half performance (21 yards) and went to bed thinking that Favre's boner of a game had either cost you a win or helped you steal a game. Surely there was no f'in way he'd be able to perform in the second half after such a soft start. Of course, after some half-time manipulation, Favre rose to the occasion finishing with 3 TDs and almost leading the Vikes to victory (until, of course, he threw a typical Favre game-sealing pick) and finding a way to disappoint not just Vikings fans but everyone who slept soundly thinking they had won. Just another disappointing performance from The Gunslinger.
4. Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis Colts;
On the rare occasions that Peyton Manning doesn't throw a TD pass and under 300 yards, he ruins many a day. To be fair, he wasn't terrible and his real team won but its highly unlikely he lead any fake teams similarly. Thanks in part to his old nemesis Romeo Crennel's defense, Manning was harassed all game and looked uncharacteristically uncomfortable in the pocket with his wideouts unable to get separation. The result was a 244 yard, 1 interception stinker that landed Manning on the f-list for once.
5. Tomy Romo, QB, Dallas Cowboys & Phillip Rivers, QB, San Diego Chargers;
400+ yards each. 2+ TDs each. 0 wins each. Despite both of their highly-touted teams' holding sub-.500 records, Romo and Rivers have put up monster numbers, none better than Sunday. Not only did they ruin the days of anyone who faced them, but they earn a spot on the list for one simple reason - we hate them something fierce. Rivers is just so damn hateable, the piss-face look he always has on his dumb face, the incessant whining, the way he walks, his number (17? Seriously? Come on?). He always looks like he just ate a turd and wants nothing more than to breathe his turn breath all over your face. Romo's awfulness is more subtle - he's always smiling, dating famously unstable women, dodging sacks and wearing that stupid hat. When he's not busy doing those things he's praised as a great quaterback despite his inability to hold for a kick, win a playoff game, or not throw crippling interceptions. His hateability is almost Faverian. Even when they put up big games like Sunday, if you own these guys that fact alone should ruin your day.
6. Offense, Green Bay Packers;
For a team that was expected to contend for a Super Bowl spot on the strength of his offense, Sunday's performance must have been distressing. Take your time getting it together fellas, we'll be waiting, patiently, not at all freaking out that our fantasy picks are n the verge of becoming useless. Are we supposed to believe that a great offense could get shut down by the Washington Redskins? (they can't be good, can they?) Aaron Rodgers (Most Likely to Ascend to Top 5 QB Status, Calls of 2010) has been good but not great and will now miss at least one game with a concussion. JerMichael Finley, on the other hand, is apparently out for the season after knee surgery this week (joining Ryan Grant). Apparently our prediction that he'd be the next Antonio Gates was a bit premature (or just plain wrong). Greg Jennings has been nowhere (only 2 catches in each of his last 3 games) and doesn't even have injuries to blame. Finally, they can't run the ball worth a crap (don't be fooled by Brandon Jackson's 100 yard game, 71 of it came on one early carry). Time to snap out of it guys.
7. Malcolm Floyd, WR, San Diego Chargers;
Another guy on the "Random" list, Floyd exploded on Sunday. 8 catches, 213 yards, 1 TD. Not bad for a guy who played most of his career on special teams before this year. Depending on the ultimate resolution of Vincent Jackson situation (word is he's going to report but Floyd's performance can't help his leverage), Floyd seems on pace to crush his previous career highs in catches (45) and yards (776) even if he never duplicates Sunday's effort. We think both are likely.
8. Mercedes Lewis, TE, Jacksonville Jaguars;
Week 1's 2 TD game wasn't such a big deal because, given Lewis' non-existent past fantasy production, he couldn't have been in many people's line-ups. File that one under no harm, no foul. This week's 2 TD performance is another matter entirely. With the Bye weeks somebody was bound to have this scrub starting for their team and 2 TDs from your TE is the kind of thing that swings a week. That's the kind of thing that makes us hate fantasy football and the Mercedes "TD-Class" (that was awful but we couldn't resist).
9. Chad Ochocinco, WR, Cincinnati Bengals;
We still feel silly when we write that and Chad's probably feeling rather silly himself for thinking that there would be enough footballs to keep both he and TO happy. Five weeks into the season, its apparent to us that, for whatever reason - be it to keep him happy or simply because he's better - Owens has become the preferred target of Carson Palmer's non-intercepted throws. Ocho, despite his big week one effort, appears to be the odd man out averaging less than 4 catches and less than 40 yards a game with no TDs in the last 4 weeks. Oh yeah, and Cincy is still a run-first offense so things don't seem like they'll get much better.
10. Anquan Boldin, WR, Baltimore Ravens
Two weeks after posting a truly # 1 WR worthy 8 catch, 142 yard line, Boldin put up the stinker to end all stinkers with a 1 catch, 8 yard performance on Sunday against Denver. We love Boldin and though we never really expected a huge season, performances like this still have to sting.
After a small hiccup, the tailgate remains undefeated.
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