Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 7

We are not good with our hands.  Not in a sexytime way but more in a "fixing shit around the house way."  It's awful and we're not proud of it.  So, when we had the pleasure of attempting to replace an outside light fixture last weekend, screwing it up completely and then somehow rallying to make it work, we're not afraid to admit we cheered like we won the Super Bowl when the light went on.  It was a very dramatic experience and (for some unexplainable reason) reminded us of our favorite melodramatic ABC show about the most gifted orator/doctor's in the history of the world - Grey's Anatomy.  So we decided to recount our adventure with a speech of our own, Grey's anatomy style.

Cue "How to Save a Life" by The Fray. (Thank you music publishing companies for preventing me from embedding the video in my blog.  Assholes.)

(Scene:  Two people standing in an otherwise empty, semi-dark hospital hallway. Wearing scrubs with surgical masks hanging from their necks)

We changed a light today.  We didn't think we could but we did.  Yes, we were scared but we did it because it needed to be done.  Things fell apart, we were holding it in our hands, wires sticking out everywhere and a threaded connector hopelessly dangling inside the fixture, it seemed impossible.

But we didn't quit, we didn't give up.  Because we couldn't.  We couldn't just let that light die there on the ground.  We couldn't walk away and leave another thing in our life unfinished.  A dangling reminder of our failures.  So we went to the store and FOUND a replacement.  And as we connected the wires and flipped the switch.  We hoped.  Hoped our efforts weren't wasted.  And when that light came on.  When it burned there brightly in the late day sun reminding of of what we can do, we felt alive.  And it didn't matter how we did it or the mistakes we made.  All that matter was that we did it. 
We changed a light fixture today.

(Fade to black)

Speaking of people who don't do what they are trying to do well ...

1.  Tim Tebow, Messiah/Well Below Average Quarterback, Denver Broncos;

To start this thing off with an overly bold and wholly unsupported statement, in the history of the NFL, there might not have been a guy playing for his job more than Tebow was against the Dolphins.  Not only is he trying to prove himself to a coaching staff that doesn't have a vested interest in his success but a win would keep him 2 games clear of giving his team the easy way out.  The question is, did he succeed?

Answering the later question is easy.  In what is either a tribute to the awfulness or the unprecedented draw of the #1 pick, Denver's 2-4 record is only the 7th worst in the league.  As for the former, Tebow won the game but was, for 58 minutes, generally awful.  Still, he emerged as the hero!! (Or did he?)  If you listen to ESPN's take on the game, you're left with the unavoidable (like literally unavoidable because they repeated it 7 million times) conclusion that Tebow succeeded only in proving both his critics (who say he can't throw) and his supports (who meaninglessly christen him a "winner"), 100% correct.  But isn't that buying into the narrative a little too much?  Doesn't framing the Tebow debate as one between stats and winning, give any thinking sports fan too little credit?

Tebow was bad on Sunday (enough that people were facebooking that Denver had "asked for it.") but he won.  That doesn't make him awful.  It doesn't make him a winner.  It probably just makes him lucky.  It's stunning to think that, even in an age where everything is instant, that we would feel comfortable passing judgment on a player after his 4th career start.

Tebow was 13 for 27, 161 yards, 2 TDs and 59 yards rushing A bunch of other highly thought of guys were just as bad, Matt Hasselbeck, Blaine Gabbert and Joe Flacco has less yards than Tebow and darlings like Matthew Stafford, Phillip Rivers and Tony Romo were only slightly better.  We don't even have to mention Carson Palmer do we?  He had a bad game in his 4th career start.  Take a look at the 4th start numbers of a few quarterbacks who were either slow starters or play a similar style to Tebow.

Eli Manning - 4 for 18, 27 yards, 2 INTs.  0.0 passer rating.
Steve McNair - 6 for 17, 142 yards, 2 TDs and 38 yards rushing.
Mike Vick - 17 for 28, 166 yards, 1 TD and 56 yards rushing.
Steve Young - 14 for 25, 251 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs and 49 yards rushing.
Vince Young - 7 for 15, 87 yards, 1 TD,  and 44 yards rushing.
Donovan McNabb - 19 for 31, 157 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT and 67 rushing yards.

With the exception of Vince Young (who's attitude was more of a problem then his talent), these guys have all turned out pretty well.  It's not to say Tebow is going to be the next Steve Young but we should probably all take a step back and realize he's a work in progress and really needs a chance to develop.  Interestingly, being a first round pick might be the best and worst thing to happen to him.  Had he been a 4th round pick and played bad against Miami, we doubt he'd be treated so harshly.  At the same time, the investment of that pick might be the only reason he's actually getting a shot.  It takes a lot for unorthodox guys like Tebow to be given a chance.


It's not totally irrational.  Most teams are built to accommodate a normal players and it's a scary proposition as a coach to put your career on the line and retool a system to fit a guy who you're not 100% sure can succeed.  That's why guys like Tebow simply don't get the same chances that looks like they were built on Madden.

Nobody knows what will happen with Tebow.  What we do know is that there is something about him that is special.  The winner label is thrown around too frequently but there are players who, when the moment is biggest, are able to be better than the sum of their parts.  Like Captain Planet (in that analogy Tebow's much-maligned Throwing motion is "Heart")  We firmly believe there is a clutch gene.  And even if he's ugly Tebow has that.  Maybe his accuracy never gets there. Or maybe he's this generation's Steve McNair (minus the murder, hopefully).  Ether way, if a player can succeed on hard work, self belief and the clutch gene, Tebow can.  He use needs a fair chance.

Rating:  5 Halos.

2.  The Andrew Luck Sweepstakes, Too Many Teams, National Football League;

So, yeah, this guy is pretty good.  After several weeks of weak competition, the Cardinal stepped up in class to take on the sanctioned-but-dangerous USC Trojans and Luck answered the bell emphatically and did nothing to undermine his position as THE #1 overall player in college football.  (And, well ahead of Matt Barkley, who plays John Mayer songs.)  The best part of Luck's game last night wasn't so much the success he had (330 yards passing, 4 total touchdowns) but how he reacted to failure.  With 3 minutes left in a tie game, Luck handed USC the lead with a pick six.  Predictably, the camera stayed on Luck for get his reaction to a very rare and costly mistake and nobody would have been surprised if he stood there in shock.  But he didn't.  Instead of feeling sorry for himself or worse yelling at a teammate for his screw-up, you could see him seething, waiting desperately to get back in the game and get the score back.  And he did, or course, leading Stanford down the field for the tie and ultimately winning the game in overtime.  It's corny and cliche but it's real.  Combine his physical talents and that type of competitiveness and we're sold. 

Still, no matter how rightfully sold everyone is, this tanking thing is getting ridiculous.  Part of the modern NFL's greatness is the "Any Given Sunday" adage but with almost of 3 of the league (9 teams) with two or less wins, a real underclass has developed this season.  We use the term "tanking" only half-jokingly.  There is no way the players on these teams have quit (through a combination or pride and non-guaranteed contracts - the ratio is yours to decide), but there may have been some organizational decisions to let things slide a little once they realized they didn't have a shot wining.  It makes sense for them but leaves us with shitfests between Seattle and Cleveland (if you've heard of the game's leading receiver Chris Ogbonnaya, please die.).

How do we handicap the Suck for Luck?

Carolina (2-5):  We've made no secret of our love for Cam and we expect his relative success for continue.  He's had them in every game this season, so look for wins against Minnesota (home), Indianapolis (home) and Tennessee (road) and one more upset for get to 6 wins.

Jacksonville (2-5):  The only thing Jacksonville does consistently is defy expectations.  Just when you think they're awful they get the most random win of the year against Baltimore.  5 wins seems right with games against Indy, Cleveland and Tennessee remaining.  Jacksonville:  The Home of Mediocrity.

Denver (2-4):  Tebowmania is worth at least 2 more wins and countless premature proclamations.  Games against Minny, Oakland and K.C. are winnable.  Add in another "Maybe it's time to reevaluate Tebow" upset and his job might be safe for another year.
Seattle (2-4):  Ironically, their win in New York might both keep our Giants out of the playoffs and Seattle out of Luck.  A few more years of Tavaris and Clipboard Jesus, should be too painful, right?  This team is not good but a bad division and a real home field advantage (a favorite like Philly, Washington or Cincinnati will fall) should get them a win or three.
Arizona (1-5):  Outside of Larry Fitzgerald, the Cardinals are pretty horrendous (their sudden downfall should be enough to get Warner into the Hall of Fame) but with home games against St. Louis, Cleveland and Seattle, they'll stumble into at least 3 wins and be good as stuck with Kolb.  Wonder if Fitz is regretting his lobbying decisions this offseason yet?

St. Louis (0-6):   If it weren't for Bradford's injuries, we'd have St. Louis higher.  They're slide is almost inexplicable.  With what was supposed to be an ascending young quarterback and a blossoming defense, St. Louis was going to contend, if not cruise, to a division title.  They were supposed to be the Lions.  Instead, a defensive collapse and an utter lack of playmakers has lead to the worst point differential in the league.  Still, we refuse to believe everyone was this wrong.  They have winnable games against Seattle, Arizona, Cincinnati, Cleveland plus a potentially meaningless game in week 17 against a resting San Fran. Look for 4 to 5 wins to close out the season on a positive note and reignite the hype for next year.

Minnesota (1-6):  They can't get any worse can they?  With the McNabb era over after 6 games, Christian Ponder (not to be confused with the Denver's Christian Messiah) should provide at least a short-term energy boost.  Home games against Oakland and Denver look like potential wins but the remaining schedule is tough.  Yes, the remaining teams are so bad that 3 or 4 wins might land the third pick.

Indianapolis (0-7):  Indy is hands-down the worst team in the league right now.  But they have the biggest potential boost of any team - Peyton Manning.  He'll play and when he does they'll win.  Peyton needs to prove to himself and the team that he can come back healthy and won't want to wait the entire off-season to do so.  The clock is ticking for him and the more the team feels secure in his healthy, the more they'll remain committed to short-term contention and the better it will be for $18. 

Miami (0-6):  Miami is the perfect storm of awful - no quarterback, a mediocre defense, a lame duck coach and, worst of all, a star-fucker owner desperate for a big-name quarterback and coach.  Look for Miami to do everything possible to make sure they land #1.  Luck will enjoy throwing to all of Brandon Marshall's personalities next year and trying to live up to the standard of Dan Marino (at least he doesn't have to win a title to succeed!).  If that happens, the Dolphins be doing flips and shit.  And we will be riding.



Rating:  10 Laughing Faces.
3.  Running Backs, Injury Prone; Your Team, of Course;

There is little less comforting than relying on an injury prone player.  It only gets worse when they stay healthy juuust long enough for you to put your guard down and be reminded that the label is rarely unearned.

It seemed like Darren McFadden never played during his first two seasons.  Between nagging injuries that kept him out of games (7 missed in his first two years) and limited him in most others, he looked like an epic bust.  Then, last year happened.  Finally (mostly) healthy, McFadden played in 13 games and finished 5th in the league in total yardage with 1664 total yards.  Still, we've all been down that road before, oft-injured players who "finally" get healthy and put together one great season are the recipe for great frustration.  After 6 weeks, McFadden lead the league in rushing and looked to be cementing his place as a top-level back.  On Sunday, the injury problems struck again when a sprained foot limited him to 2 carries for 4 yards and deprived everyone of a plum match-up against the (formerly?) hapless Chefs.  Michael Bush took over and managed to have an effective day (including 99 should-have-been-McFadden's yards) despite predictably horrific play from Kyle Boller (64 yards, 3 picks) and horrible play from Carson Palmer (another 3 picks).  The bye week should help him get healthy but don't let your guard down just yet.

After his team gave him a vote of "no confidence" this offseason by drafting Ryan Williams in the 2nd round to replace him, Beanie Wells seemed too soft and too brittle to be a dominant back.  But, after winning back his job be default after the trade of Tim Hightower and season-ending injury to Williams, Beanie Wells seemed to be responding with a season similar to Run DMC's 2010 campaign, sitting 4th in the league in yards per game, smashing defenders and finishing runs on a bad team with good weapons.  Alas, after being bothered all week his a bum knee, Wells started on Sunday and after a solid 42 first half yards, left with a knee sprain and put his break-put campaign on hold and reminded us that he's an injury prone dude.  The fact that he's active today gives owners hope they he's learned how to play through pain.  Still, proceed with caution.

Rating:  20 Mad Faces.

4.  Fantasy Satan, Head Coach, Washington Racist Against Native Americans Nickname;

Every year it happens.  Fantasy Satan comes to us.  At times it's during the draft.  At other times its mid-season via the waiver wire.  He offers us untold fantasy riches through no-name running backs and thousand yard seasons.  And we, despite knowing better, willingly sign our name on the dotted line.  And for weeks, sometimes months, we're rewarded.  But eventually, he comes to collect.  The player who was once a stud is now inexplicably sent to the bench and our fantasy soul is taken back to hell (Washington) with all the rest of us who continue to fall for Fantasy Satan's tricks.  Will we ever learn?

No, we won't.  Every season, with visions of Mike Anderson, Olandis Gary, Reuben Droughns and Tatum Bell dancing in our heads, we take the plunge on the player most likely to be Mike Shanahan's featured back in the draft.  This year is was Tim Hightower (a man who has been accused of running with his eyes closed). And then, two, three, or six weeks into the season, that guy has a bad game/gets hurt/comments on Mike's weirdly colored face and is benched without notice and the new guy promptly runs for a hundred yards and a score.  And we all sprint to put in our waiver claims.  And repeat.  Every year, we end up disappointed.

Can we all please agree to stop this madness and never trust Mike Shanahan again?  We know the that it's oh so tempting when a starting running back is sitting there available to you but it always ends in despair.  For all his reputation as a guru, do you know the last time a Shanahan coached team produced a 1,000 back (a rather low bar in the modern NFL) was 2006.  That's three full seasons, two in Denver and one in D.C. where he failed to produce a consistent fantasy performer.  It's time to move on.

Wait .... what's that?  Hightower is out for the year?   We'll be right back ....

Rating:  7 Mad Faces.

5.  DeMarco Murray, Running Back, Dallas Cowboys;

Speaking of running backs, there were two big winners at the position this week.  One was Arian Foster hitting the double bonus with 100+ rushing and receiving yards and looking every bit the player he was last year and the one we kept swearing he wasn't.  Fuck him.  The other big winner was the DeMarco Murray of the Cowboys and his 253 yards.

Unless you have the NFL Sunday ticket, your football watching experience consists of living and dying with the ticker.  So 4 minutes into the late games when the ticker showed 1 carry, 91 yards, anyone who didn't have Murray was bummed.  When that 91 turned into 250, everyone who didn't have Murray was screwed. 

So, is Murray for real?  Unfortunately.

First, just check out the top 10 single game rushing performances in league history.

Peterson - 296
Jamal Lewis - 295
Jerome Harrison - 286
Corey Dillon - 278
Payton - 275
Shaun Alexander - 266
Jamaal Charles - 259
Murray - 253
Mike Anderson - 251.

Not a lot of flukes on that list.  Maybe he's the next Jerome Harrison but the 3rd round pick out of Oklahoma with all the tools (6', 213 and 4.3 speed) seems more likely to be like the other guys on the list.  Looking back at his college career, it's easy to see how his numbers might have been artificially depressed by splitting time with Chris Brown (not the domestically violent one) and missing time with injuries.  Now, with Tashard Choice cut and an easy match-up against Philly, Murray has the chance to lock-down the starting job with another big day before Felix Jones gets back healthy.  Considering that in the 5 games Jones managed only 2 more yards than DeMarco put up on Sunday, that doesn't appear too difficult.

We can only wish bad things for the Cowboys-Eagles game tonight.  Explosive shits, a bomb, ebola, it's all on the table.  If someone has to win, we hope it's the Eagles.  A two game division lead as long as the G-Men take care of business is better than putting Philly out of its misery.  Plus, stringing along Birds' fans is always fun.

Rating:  10 Mad Faces.  We don't have him and the Cowboys do. 


6.  Pissyface Rivers, Quarterback, San Diego Superchargers

Pop quiz hotshot - who was the #5 quarterback in average draft position?   More pop quiz - who is the #17 quarterback in scoring through 7 weeks.  If you guessed Phillip Rivers, you were correct.  (Did we give that away?)  Last year, Rivers he led the league in passing yards and yards per attempt and finished in the top 5 in touchdowns (30) and completion percentage.  When you consider he accomplished all that while throwing to the likes of Malcom Floyd, Patrick Crayton, Legedu Naanee and only 10 games worth of Antonio Gates, the pre-season talk had Rivers as an early favorite for MVP and a dark horse for #1 fantasy quarterback was warranted.  How could he be worse with the return of V-Jax, a healthy Gates and the expected emergence of Ryan Matthews.

First, he's stopped throwing touchdowns.  Through 6 games, Philip has only 7 touchdowns (against 9 picks).  Last year it only took him 3 games to get to that point.  You can chalk part of that up to the four games missed by Gates and the underrated adjustment to losing Darren Sproles.  We'd expect him to pick up the pace since it's hard to imagine a guy of this caliber throwing 17 TDs.

The second reason is more interesting.  Rivers is only 8 yards a game off his pace from last season but instead of leading the league, he's now 7th.  An amazing 6 quarterbacks averaging more than 290 yards a game.  To put that in perspective, since 2002, no more than 2 players have averaged that many yards in a given season (and a few times nobody did).  In the new defense optional league (thanks to less hitting in practice and the rule changes, the middle of the field is open like never before), the passing game has become even more dominant.  With that many fantasy points at stake, quarterbacks are no longer the replaceable commodity they once were, if you don't have a really good one, you're probably not winning your league.  The gap between reality and fantasy is narrowing.

Rating:  3 Piss-Faces.

7. Reminder Why We Hate Fantasy Football for the Week:  Plaxico Burress, Felon, New York Jets;

Despite pulling off the rare feat of destroying a Super Bowl defense with a self-inflicted gun shot wound, we wanted the Giants to take a chance on Burress in the offseason.  If they could get him cheap, maybe his residual chemistry with Eli could provide a spark.  When the Jets signed him for $3m, we were slightly bummed but knew we was overpaid.

Through 6 games, Plax had pulled off the feat even rarer than his previous accomplishment - making a fan base long for the days of Braylon Edwards.  In failing to break 75 yards in a game, he'd looked slow, stiff and generally disinterested.  Going into week 7, he had no business being on a team much less in a starting line-up.  So what did he do?  He put up a typical Burress line of 4 catches for 25 yards only this time 3 of them were for touchdowns.  It was so inspiring that Adam Schefter proclaimed that Plax had "developed into Mark Sanchez's security blanket ... for Sunday at least."  A security blanket that's only good for one day, doesn't provide much security does it?  If he catches more than 3 touchdowns for the rest of the season, we'll pull off the rarest of rare feats and admit we were wrong.

Rating:  10 Mad Faces.

Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 6

Eh oh, oh eh.  Hey Angeler, how come nobody brought me donuts?
Eh oh!

Did everyone enjoy their big "National Boss Day" celebration on Monday?  Did anyone know it was this week?  Did anyone even know that there was such a thing?  Can we think of any more rhetorical questions to invent to set up our our premise?  The answer to all those questions is likely "No."  It's easy to figure out why.  Not only does it feel like a shit Hallmark holiday (though one that surely resulted in major promotion for its creator in a feat of unparalleled office ass-kissing) but, quite simply, most people just don't really like their bosses.  

Present company excepted of course.  So if you are a boss (or worse, our boss) maybe you should just skip down to the football part.  Everybody loves you. Seriously.  They all think your awesome.  Really, they do.  Move along now.

So yeah, it's true.   People might do what their boss ask them.  People might respect their bosses.  They might even enjoy working for their boss on some level.  But deep down they don't really like them.  And nobody wants to celebrate something that they don't like and don't believe in.  It's like Easter.    

But its not our fault.  It's human nature.  Even if our partners might disagree, nobody wields more direct power over our worlds.  They hold our careers, financial stability and a large chunk of our self-worth in their hands and our ability to convince that single person that we are competent is the one thing standing between us and living in a box.  But they don't get us.  They don't understand what it's like to be us (MAN!!).  They don't understand what we have go through every day.  Why on some Friday's we want to sleep under our desk and not write that memo.  Or why sometimes we just really need to get the fuck out of here at 5.  The relationship is inherently adversarial.  

Here's the catch, we don't get them either.  Whether they've gotten to their position by being good at their job or just good at kissing the right ass at the right time, they've earned their spot.  But that spot exists in an entirely different world than ours.  One with different pressures and different expectations.  (and a little bit of power to enjoy, of course.)  They might as well be aliens.  To us they're they've got the better job, the better salary and the ability tone completely unreasonable and have people accept it.  To them, they're just another person trying to get through their damn day.

That's not to say we should all seek to find common ground or gather around the campfire and sing kumbaya (or Kumba Yo for that matter).  While there are some good bosses out there, there are also some monsters.  They're running an offices everywhere.  And they fucking love making your life miserable.  

We all know who the monsters are.

They make their introduction to a room full of new hires by telling them they have the power to ruin there careers.  


They hold an mandatory seminar entitled "How to Please Your Supervisor" and talk at you for an hour about how they're entirely too busy to be bothered by anything less than perfection from you.

They look you in the eye and tell you that, despite the death of your father and your subsequent health problems, that your billable hours for the year just weren't good enough.

They sit in their office day after day, yelling and screaming and generally scaring the shit out of people.

They make inappropriate comments about women in the office and make you travel around the country while they spend their days tending to their fantasy teams.


They require you to show up at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning to video their daughter's swim meets and disgustingly talk with their mouths full of food.  

They tell you that the only work you should do is what they give you, then refuse to give you work and fire you for not doing the work they never gave you.

They lay people off to protect their huge bonuses.

They rule the world.

And we fucking hate them.

So if you're currently a boss or hope to be one some day (if so, you've already convinced yourself that you'll do a better job), don't be a monster.  You can ruin a lot more than just somebody's day.

Welcome back bosses!!   Let's talk about football!!

1.  Jim Harbaugh, Kind of a Dick, San Francisco 49ers;


It's a shame that such a great football game between two hard-nosed, blue collar teams (who's more blue collar than Top 2 draft picks Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson, right?) would be overshadowed by such a disgusting confrontation between their coaches.  It's an embarrassment to the National Football League that ... just kidding.  We were channeling our inner Peter King for a second.  No, seriously, the Harbaugh/Schwartz kerfuffle was the best thing we've seen all year.  As we wrote in our Attitude column in the offseason, we're all for the NFL embracing personal expression and if something like this (a harmless, harmless incident) brings even more attention to a game between two potentially up-and-coming teams, all the better.

(On a side note, what percentage of the Lions' rise is attributable to those Chrysler commercials?  95%?)

Still, Jim Harbaugh is kind of a dick.  And we have video evidence.

First, Stanford-USC, 2009.  Stanford (featuring a freshman named Andrew Luck) effectively ended USC's Pac-Whatever dominance with a 55-21 victory that included a two-point conversion attempt while leading. 48-21.  It was a total dick move that turned the Dude (USC Coach Pete Carroll) into Seinfeld with his infamous "What's YOUR deal?" response.



Second, 2011 Orange Bowl. Harbaugh's team just destroyed Virginia Tech and sideline person Michelle Tafoya just wants to get a few thoughts from everybody's coaching darling and perhaps ask an innocuous question about whether he's leaving.  Instead of dutifully answering her questions, Harbaugh totally blows her off and passes her to some defensive player nobody cares about.  Less dickish in a vacuum but in context, kind of shitty.



And, finally, yesterday.  Harbaugh v. Schwartz - Live on FOX!!



So, what exactly happened here?  Let's break it down zapruder-style.

:01 - The coaches discuss how the Lions are likely yo try that flippy play that worked once in the history of football before Sunday.

:16 - It's still worked once.

:20 - 49ers win.  Harbaugh is understandably pumped.

:23 - Harbaugh shows his belly.  An undeniable show of aggression in the wild and highly offensive to the fallen Lions.  Things are getting heated already.

:25 - Weird chest bump-thing between Harbaugh and a player.  The adrenaline is flowing now.

:28 - Here is is - the "Shake Heard Round the World."  Harbaugh goes with the overly aggressive handshake and tops it off with the slap on the back.  If you want to understand the power used by Harbaugh, watch as Schwartz's body moves back and to the left.  Back and to the left.  Back and to the left.  Worst of all, he barely acknowledges Schwartz as his equal.  Totally big-timed him.  Schwartz is understandably pissed.

:29 - Schwartz says something to Harbaugh like "Hey man, we're both 5-1."

:31 - Harbaugh answers back.  Schwartz says it was an "expletive" (Woah!! Hold the phone.  There's no cursing in football.)  But we don't buy it.  Our guess is Harbaugh said "Yeah, but I get to go back to San Francisco and you have to stay here in Detroit."

:43 - And then all heck broke loose, Harbaugh kept jogging douchily away while Schwartz tried to get at him.  The whole think took an a very "small yippy dog, runs around barking at a pill bull" feel before Schwartz was escorted into his locker room yelling "Hold me back, hold me back!!!"

And with that ESPN filled its programming for the week.

So Harbaugh may be a dick but it looks like the dick can coach.  He's taken the same roster from a 6-10 team (including passing on all the available veterans QBs to stick with the immortal Alex Smith) and turned them into 5-1 outfit with an inside track on a first round bye and home field advantage in the divisional round.  That's amazing.  They play solid defense (only 13th in yard per game but 2nd in points allowed, which is potentially unsustainable) and have our boy Frank Gore, one of the most infuriating players to own in all of fantasy.  After racking up 1600 yards in his second season, Gore has fallen short enough of expectations every other year to frustrate owners but produced enough to make it hard to pass on him.  Also, he broke his hip like an elderly person.  Worse yet, you can't trade him no matter how good he's playing.  The hope this year was that Harbaugh's magic touch would rejuvenate his career.  So far, the returns are good.  After a slow start, Gore has 3 straight 100 yard games, is on pace to eclipse 1400 yards and, perhaps most importantly, is averaging a 5 yards per carry.  If he can stay healthy and continue to produce at that pace, Gore might finally return to the heights he held so briefly.  All thanks to that dick Jim Harbaugh.

Rating:  One overly aggressive Mad Face.

2.  Woeful Roddy White, Wide Receiver, Atlanta Falcons;

Until further notice, Roddy White will no longer be referred to as "Rowdy" or "The Rowdy One" or even "Wowdy."  Due to his slow start, White has lost his nickname rights.  Sure he's still on pace for 90 catches and 1,000 yards but that's not what the #2 overall wide receiver was drafted to do.  White was drafted to be a difference maker and was valued on consistency rather than upside.  So far, the only difference he's consistently been making is causing teams to lose.

The dirty little secret of White's huge season last year (115 catches, 1389 yards) was that he did it on 179 targets.  For those counting at home, that's a ton.  White lead the league with only Reggie Wayne and Larry Fitzgerald anywhere close (no one else was within 25).  So with the addition of Julio Jones, one could have expected less targets and a statistical regression.  Is that what's happening here?  Nope.

Roddy's still the second most targeted player in the league (behind Wes Welker) and while his pace is down a bit from last year, he's bigger problem here is that he leads the league in dropped passes.  If he can cut down on the drops (he had zero this week) and Matty Ice keeps feeding him the ball, there's plenty of reason to believe he'll be earning his nickname back soon.

Rating:  7 Mad Faces.

3.  Monkey, On Back No Longer, Andy Reid;

One of the underrated benefits of fantasy football is that owning a certain player can help your understand what it's like to be part of another fan base.  Take Shady McCoy and the Eagles for instance.  Eagle fans like to complain about Andy Reid.  They complain about his play calling, his smugness and his inability to win big games.  Non-Eagle fans look at the decade of success and think that Eagle fans are cretins (which is true)  But once you've owned McCoy for a year or so, you start to feel their pain just a little.

McCoy might be the second best back in the league.  Watch him play for a quarter, on a team that has speed leaking from its ass, he's playing at another pace.  His quickness and ability to make people miss in tight spaces (jump cut!!) is stunning.  So, when he gets 28 carries like he did on Sunday (for 126 yards and a touchdown), Eagle fans and McCoy owners feel like things are right in the world.  Everyone understands this.  Everyone except for Andy Reid, apparently.  Andy doesn't like pesky things like the running game or consistency.  That makes him equally likely to give McCoy 28 carries in one week as he is to give him less in the previous two combined.  But that's just Andy being Andy so enjoy your ride on the Shady coaster.  

Which brings us to the real-life Eagles who now sit at 2-4.  After playing one really solid half of football against a Redskins team that featured the real Rex Grossman (the one who throws all the picks), the team is POISED to win the NFC East and earn back its "Dream Team" label.  In all seriousness though, our attempts to write the Eagles off on a week-to-week basis may have been wishful thinking.  Given the failure of the Giants and Redskins to put enough distance between themselves and the then-struggling Birds, the division remains surprisingly winnable.  Every team is highly flawed.  The Redskins have quarterback controversy.  The Cowboys are afraid of their quarterback.  (Does Jason Garrett know that if he calls normal plays instead of going into a shell at the end of a huge game and his quarterback throws a pick its not a choke if he says "No Romo" beforehand?).  The Giants are injured and facing a brutal schedule.  Philly's margin for error is gone (the wild cards are likely going to Detroit and one of the NFC South teams so 3 loses is likely the max they can withstand) but things could be interesting from here on out.  Damn.

At least we'll always have this:

On yet another side note, did anyone else see Jason Babin mimic pulling a monkey off of Andy Reid's substantial back towards the end of Sunday's game?  It was just like the time that Steve Young did it.  (3:40 in the video if you need a refresher).  Except for the fact that Young had just won a Super Bowl and finally proven himself worthy of succeeding Joe Montana and Andy Reid is 2-4.  Still, totally similar.  We'd hate to see what they'd have removed if he ever lead the Eagles to a Super Bowl win.  Good thing that will never happen.

Rating:  7.5 Mad Faces.  An Andy Reid punch to the gut can make anyone smile.

4.  Ahmad Bradshaw, Running Back, New York Giants;

While the Eagles are seemingly a team without an identity from week-to-week, the Giants are a team that seems to have lost theirs.  After years of being a power running team, the Giants started the year utterly unable to move the ball on the ground.  Whether it was the shake-up of the offensive line (2 new starters and 3 guys playing new positions with Deihl moving from LT to G) or injuries (wasn't Tom Coughlin supposed to get rid of those?), the team had lost its way.  That forced Eli into situations that accentuates his inconsistencies and leads to uneven team performances.  One week they look like world-beaters dismantling the Eagles in others they lose to the Redskins or Seahawks.  That's what makes Bradshaw's performance Sunday (26 caries, 104 yards, 3 TDs) so encouraging.  Fantasy owners certainly took note of the touchdowns (somewhat a product of Jacobs's absence) but either way, getting back over 100 yards for the first time all season restores some faith.

In real life, if the Giants have any hope of maintaining their lead in the division, they'll need to continue to establish the  run and hope getting guys like Tuck back in the line-up will cure some of their defense woes.  As mentioned earlier, their remaining schedule is brutal:

Miami (W)
at New England (L)
at San Fran (?)
Philly (?)
at New Orleans (L)
Green Bay (L)
at Dallas (L)
Washington (W)
at Jets (?)
Dallas (W)

There's what maybe 2 wins on the schedule?  That would give them 6 and they'll need at least 10 to win the division.  If they split with Dallas they get to 7.  That means they need to steal a win at San Fran, beat the Jets in a quasi-home game and beat either New Orleans and Philly.  This is highly concerning.

Rating:  A prospective 7 mad faces.

5.  Offense, Not Good Enough, Buffalo Bills;


It's really starting to feel like we've settled in the on the proper level for our Buffalo Bills fantasy players.  Fitzpatrick is a bye-week fill-in, Stevie Johnson is a solid #2 WR, and Fred Jackson?

HE'S THE FUCKING MAN!!

Seriously, we love Fred.  But what do we really know about our newest man-crush?  Well, we all know he's second in the league in rushing and averages almost 150 total yards per game.  But's that really it.  So, let's take a little quiz about the most boring name in the NFL - which of these things is true about our Fred Jackson and not just another of history's many Fred Jacksons?

a.  Was a Kohawk?

b.  Is known for his ideas of geographical sectionalism?

c.  Was a bandit in Sioux City?

d.  Was named a captain in South Africa?

e.  Enjoys big game shooting?

f.  Ran as the Kansas Republican representative to the 62nd Congress?

g.  Played for the Great Britain Lions?

h.  Fought in a war?

i.  Spent a year in Dusseldorf?

j.  Wrote a film about the life of Bojangles?

k.  Played with Baby Face Willette?

l.  Is best known for his famous line "Do Me Again?"

While you'd adding up your score, think about which of these things are really represent the least likely background for a big-time NFL running back?


Answers: a, c, i.

Rating:  0 Mad Faces.

6.  Al Davis, Ghost GM, Oakland Raiders;


There has been a ton of talk about Al Davis' legacy in the past two weeks, his influence on the NFL/AFL merger, his historically great teams and the underrated influence of his "vertical passing game."  Nobody wants to forget what Al did.  So it's heartwarming to see that his influence remains strong in Oakland as they continue to just make absolutely ridiculous trades.  Seriously, a first and second round pick for a 32-year old Carson Palmer who hasn't played since last season? In mid-season?

(The second rounder becomes a first rounder if the Raiders make the AFC championship so let's just go ahead and call it a second rounder right now, shall we?)

The Raiders have been a directionless organization for the better part of the last ten years so it shouldn't really be a surprise to see them make such a panic move.  To react to the loss of your starting quarterback by gutting your next two drafts (by trading this season's first rounder they've not used a total of 3 picks in the upcoming draft on quarterbacks - one to trade of Jason Campbell and another to pick Terelle Pryor in the supplemental draft) is simply irresponsible.  Maybe the prospect of playing Kyle Boller is terrifying, but when you see how some of the other veteran quarterbacks on new teams have performed without the benefit of an offseason (McNabb: benched, Collins: dead), can they really expect Palmer to walk in and help them make the playoffs.  And that doesn't even take into account the fact that Palmer hasn't been a difference making quarterback in at least 4 years.  The decency of his stats is highly misleading.  We've heard his crappiness explained away by blaming it on the soul-crushing nature of playing in Cincinnati.  Maybe that has some merit and maybe going to a more stable situation will rejuvenate his career.  But when exactly did the Raiders become the Brady Bunch?

Rating:  Too confused to make an angry face.

7.  Jerome Simpson, Receiver of Many Interesting Things, Cincinnati Bengals;


We're confused about the current state of Cincinnati football.  Andy Dalton and A.J. Green are exciting and their defense is slightly beastly.  We're not confused about Jerome Simpson, however.  Jerome Simpson is what this column is all about.  Somebody, somewhere lost a fantasy match-up they should have won easily because their awful team started Simpson, a player better known for having six pounds of pot delivered to his house than actually playing football, as a bye week or shit draft flier and, instead of giving them what they deserved - nothing - he came up huge with 6 catches and 101 yards.  Thank you Jerome for reminding us what fantasy is all about.  And fuck you too.

Rating:  10 Mad Faces.

Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 5

"#2."

We don't like being told what to do.  It's a trait that hasn't exactly helped us in life.  The romantic notion of the nonconformist rebel succeeding has thus far eluded us.  Instead of being embraced and respected for refusing to blindly follow, people just think we're being a bitch.  So with that bit of background, you can imagine how we reacted when we got the following email last week (paraphrasing):

Just a friendly reminder to everyone.  Whenever you leave your office be sure to place a yellow sticky note on your door telling everyone where you've gone and when you expect to return.

Obviously, we were not amused nor did we find this particularly friendly.  In fact, it was infuriating.  We're already subject to three separate levels of attendance scrutiny.  Not only do we track our time in a time keeping system (a distant cousin to the scourge of billable hours) but we're required to sign-in every morning and, in addition to all that, someone walks the halls and takes attendance.  At this point, we're one step away from electronic tracking devices.

But back to the sticky notes and our dislike of being told what to do.  In a perfect world, everyone would receive a modicum of respect and trust from their employer.  Actually, in a perfect world we wouldn't have to work at all, but you get the point.  For some reason, we think people should be trusted to step away from our desk during the day without anybody looking over our shoulder and, where necessary, tell someone where they're going.  Instead, our motions are tracked with post-its.  But that doesn't mean we can't have any fun with it and take the notion to its most absurd limit and while not being combative, tweak the idea just enough to make us happy.

So, instead of a simply "Out to lunch.  Back at 1,"  we're more likely to say something like:


Searching for sustenance.  To return when our belly is full.  Or 1:30 at the latest.


Potty time:


Stall 3.  


In the library:

On a quest for knowledge.  To return when my brain overfloweth with answers or I get tired to reading.


Coffee?


A father and his son (an only child) got into a car accident. The father died but the son survived and was taken to the hospital for minor surgery. The doctor came in and said, 'I can't do any surgery on this boy, we're directly related.' Both the boy's parent's were also only children. Who was the doctor?  At starbucks with that person.  Back at 12:37 or so.


Bathroom #2.


Bathroom.  Yes, again.  Had Chik-Fil-A for lunch.  Will return when the cramps subside.


Therapy?

Paying someone to listen to my problems so I don't kill you.  Back at noon!!  ;-)


Library #2.

Fuck Lexis.  Back when I can actually find the answer to my question.  


Sitting in your car in the parking lot crying.

Sitting the in the car in the parking lot crying. 

Home for the day.

At home.  Eating dinner, watching tv, playing with my cats and getting a good night sleep.  Back in the a.m.


And our favorite.


Hoops.  Back at 1:30.


Guess it's not all that bad after all.  Football time!!

We're just under a third of the way through the 2011 season and it's clear things have changed.  The 49ers, Lions and Bills have a combined record of 13-2 while three playoff teams from last season, the Eagles, Colts and Rams are 1-13.  Passing yardage is through the roof; 6 quarterbacks are averaging more than 300 yards per game where in the previous 3 years combined there was 1.  And above all else, defense has apparently become optional.  Maybe things will even out by the end of the season or the anomalies of this season will eventually be chalked up to lock-out induced insanity.  Ether way, fantasy points are plentiful, which, surprisingly makes things more difficult.  Where you once could depend on your studs to give you a decided week-to-week advantage, games are now decided on who started the random guy who had the even more random week.  In sum, things are random.

To try to measure the frustration associated with the randomness, we're adding a new wrinkle to the column by grading each bullshit performance on a scale of 1-10 "Mad Faces."

1.  Disappointment, Embodiment thereof, New York Giants;


Who wins this game?  A bad Seahawks team that is markedly worse on the road, traveling from the west coast to play at 1 p.m., who loses their wildly ineffective quarterback, Tavaris Jackson, and replaces him with Clipboard Jesus.  Or an inarguably superior Giants team, coming off two straight wins, beginning a 3 game home stand with a chance to realistically get to 6-1 and insulate themselves from a brutal second half schedule, with Eli Manning passing for 420 yards, Victor Cruz with 161 yards and a touchdown and both Hakeen Nicks and some guy named Jake Ballard also scoring touchdowns.  So, who wins?  If you are a long-time Giants fan you know the correct answer is the Seahawks, of course.  For all the talk about how much of a disciplinarian Tom Coughlin is supposed to be, the Giants ALWAYS lose this game due to lack of preparation and dumb mistakes.  To paraphrase the completely overdone quote attributed to Bill Parcells "You are what you are." And the Giants are a talented but ultimately injury and mistake prone team.

As for the Seahawks, don't go getting all excited over Marshawn Lynch's 98 yard and 8.2 yard per carry average.  He still sucks and has more games under 35 yards this year than over 70.  The Giants defense just stunk a bit more on Sunday.  Doug Baldwin's 136 yards doesn't do much for us either.

Finally, Victor Cruz?  The stats tell you he's averaging 6 catches, 123 yards and 1 TD in the 3 games since he began seeing starter's minutes.  But, with his knack for matching absolutely fluky 70ish yard touchdown catches with terrible mistakes (he fumbled and then tipped away the game), and Mario Manningham getting healthy, we wouldn't expect it to continue.

Rating:  7 Mad Faces.  Too predictable for 10.

2.  J. Battle, Running Back?, Kansas City Chefs;


There's not much more jarring than sitting down after at a baby's christening (or baptism or "first step on his journey to a personal relationship with our lord and savior jesus christ.", whatever you want to call it) then, while reflecting on how your heathen ass is destined for a nice warm spot in hell, seeing that the Colts are not only really sucking for Luck but that a  "J. Battle" ran for a game high 119 yards for the Chefs.

(Apparently his name is "Jackie Battle" which sounds like a Blaxploitation flick starring Pam Grier and Fred Williamson.  No matter, he will continue to be J. Battle from as long as he is relevant and until we see him sporting a leather rain coat and a dark black mustache)


So what are we to make of J. Battle?  Well, the Chef offense is still kind of a disaster and though Thomas Jones, The Everliving, is still the shuffling around, any running back that starts and might get 20 carries has to be owned.  Surely you have someone crappy you can cut.  Fantasy titles have been swung by far worse guys than J. Battle.

Rating:  2 Mad Faces.

3.  Dream Crushers, Buffalo Bills;


It's mildly poetic that our muse, the plucky, fun Buffalo Bills with the HARVARD (did you hear, Ryan Fitzpatrick went to HARVARD and therefore he is smarter than everyone else in the world and could be contributing to the global financial crisis while bathing in gold bullion but instead he's slumming it throwing a ball around to other well-off people and making millions of dollars anyway?  And also, did you know he went to Harvard?  And he has a beard?  He's a man of the people, we say!!)  absolutely crushed any remaining hope the Philadelphia Dream Team had of contending.  For as much as it helped with the pain of a typical Giants loss, Fitzpatrick (193 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT) and Stevie Johnson (4 catches, 29 yards) had to leave owners a bit disappointed.  Fitzpatrick appears to be settling in as a bye-week/match-up play, while Johnson is solidly in the second-tier of pass catchers and gets much of his value from his ability to find himself with the ball in the end zone in a given week.  The third part of this mediocre 3-headed monster, however, is emerging as a fantasy beast.  "Right Said" Fred Jackson had almost 200 total yards (111 rushing, 85 receiving) and is making a habit out of contributing on both sides of the ledger every week.  Oh, and his competition, former #9 overall pick C.J. Spiller, is averaging 3 carries a game.  The lesson, always trust a man named Fred.

Rating: 137 Happy Faces for the Eagle Loss, 4 Mad Faces for not drafting Fred Jackson.

4.  Large Benjamin, Drama Queen, Pittsburgh Steelers;


While their cross-state "rivals" were busy shitting the bed in upstate New York (we assume they don't have nice hotels up there so i't was most likely a cheap Comfort Inn bed which means it was not first time said bed was shat upon), the Steelers found a way to right their ship thanks to the "heroics" of Large Benjamin.  You see, Benny's foot is sprained and it was hurting him so badly that he had to wear a little bootie for protection.  And we had to be told about it over and over again.  Enough to convince us that a quarterback who relies on his ability to move to make up for an awful o-line and had thrown 3 touchdowns and 5 picks int he early season, might be a bad play this week.  So we did the smart thing and kept him on the bench.  The reward?  5 touchdowns, sitting safely on the bench.  The only think we hate more than civilly accused rapists are fakers.

Rating:  9 Mad Faces.  Even if this is the first sign that the Steelers offense will be the passing-centric unit we were promised, those 5 TD days are exceedingly rare and unlikely to happen again.

5.   Jimmy Graham, TE, New Orleans Saints;


We have nothing against Jimmy Graham.  His picture makes him seem like an ideal star for the sequel to "50/50" and his 32 catches for 496 yards (including 3 straight games of 100+ yards) put him comfortably at #2 in the TE rankings and in the Top 5 in most league-wide receiving categories.  No, our misdirected anger is at JerMichael Finley, who is supposed to be who Jimmy Graham is right now.  All off-season everyone creamed themselves over all his physical tools and what a specimen he is (he's oh so sessy) and how ready he was to break out.  Instead Graham has emerged and Finley looks like another of the dreaded "Fantasy Hype-Monsters" busy dropping passes on Sunday night football  We're waiting for ESPN to report that they drunkenly pissed in a fountain together and switched bodies during the lock-out.  (Hollywood, are you listening?!?)

Rating:  10 Mad Faces.  We hate being wrong.

6.  Willis McGahee, Zombie, Denver Broncos;


McGahee's career has been a study in busted expectations.  In 2002 at the U, Willis McGahee looked like he was THE next great running back.  Then he shredded his knee in the Fiesta Bowl and looked like another injury derailed star.  The Bills still took him 23rd overall (considered a major reach at the time) and though he was expected to miss a good portion of his rookie season, played in Week 1 and ended the season as the starting running back with 1,1000 yards and 13 touchdowns.  The next season, he ran for 1200 yards but his yard per carry average dipped below 4 and after a 3rd season in Buffalo (this time under 900 yards), he traded to Baltimore.  first first season there, he rushed for 1,200 yards his first season and seemed poised to become a solid, if not spectacular starter in the league., before the floor fell out again and injuries and a combination of Leron McClain and Ray Rice made him into a fantasy afterthought.  Nobody noticed when he showed up in Denver as the back-up (supposed) future star, Knowshown Moreono.  Expecations zero.  Now, after one Moreno injury, Willis is talking about 3 100 yard games and what appears to be a solid hold on the starting job (Moreno was healthy on Sunday and got no carries).

Rating:  10 Shocked Faces.


7.  Jacoby Jones, Forgetter of Hands, Houston Texans;


With Andre Johnson out with a hamstring injury, Jacoby Jones was finally given a chance to start and many fantasy prospectors saw the upside.  Jones is a freak, at 6'2", 212, he runs a 4.2 40.  Coming out of a small school, it seemed like given a few year seasoning, he could develop into a real star, a la, Miles Austin.  On Sunday he got his chance and the results were worse than awful.  The numbers are bad enough, 1 catch for 9 yards, but what's worse is that he was targeted a whopping 11 times, tied for the team lead.  To put that in even better perspective, Owen Daniels, who was also targeted 11 times, caught 8 passes for 89 yards.  The only logical explanation for all of this?  He must have forgotten his hands.

Rating:  1 Mad Face.  Everyone is entitled to be forgetful now and then.

Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 4

"Heavens to Murgatroyd, my choice of neck wear makes me a douche!!
That and the fact that I'm a pink mountain lion who apparently thinks he's an actor."

We have two rules in life.  The first is never trust a man in a bow tie.  Don't trust him near your wife.  Don't trust them near your wallet.  And certainly don't trust hi near your grandmother.

Aside from certain limited social situations (weddings, clown conventions), the only reason for a person to wear a bow tie is because they think they're special and are just desperate for people to notice.  While everyone else reluctantly puts on their big boy clothes, bow tiers wake up in the morning and decide to show their superiority through neckwear.  And then they come to the meeting and sit in the back in one of the comfy chairs while everyone else suffers in the awful pink plastic abominations, looking smug and feeling smarter than everyone else in the room.

They are, of course, wrong.  They're not special.  In fact, they're so painfully unspecial, so normal and nondescript that they need a dopey little tie to stand out.  But it always backfires.  At best they come off as a weird Tucker Carlson-wannabe.  At worst, people assume they masturbate in a public movie theaters and talk to chairs.  People would be more comfortable if they simply refused to wear pants or were just an interesting person.

So, bow tie wearers, do everyone a favor and quit your nonconformity.  Okay, Snagglepuss?

Oh, and nobody cares if you can tie that special little bow, we all just assume it's a clip-on anyway.

1.  Brett Favre, "Retired" Quarterback/Active Jerk, Wrangler Jeans


This man will just not go away.  The real story here is that Favre's successor, Aaron Rodgers, is making a strong case that he deserves a spot after the slash in the "Best Quarterback in the League" conversation.  With his 408 yard, 6 TD (yes, read that again, 6 touchdowns) performance it's no longer a default Brady/Manning conversation.  If you had Aa-Rodg, you could have started the Dongslinger at every other position and won the week.  He was that good.

But, as is his unique talent, Favre manages to be the story here.  In a radio interview this week, Favre decided he was jealous of Rodgers' success and needed to let everyone know:


"I'm going to be honest, I was not surprised. The biggest surprise to me would be that he didn't do it sooner ... 


That's not a terrible start.  A reasonable person could turn this into a glowing review of the other guys talent, say that they always saw it coming, etc.  WWBFD?  Not that.


]M]y last year in Green Bay prior to the first game, I made the remark that this was probably the most talented team that I've ever played on. And of course everyone looked up and was like ‘This guy's off his rocker.' We were very, very young; take me out of the mix and we were by far the youngest team in the league ... 


There goes Mr. Favre again.  Yelling at kids to get off his lawn and talking crazy.  Just ignore him, he's a harmless old coot.


But I could see the talent pool across the board was outstanding. Now our season kind of ended up being a reflection of that. We came close, and I think we took a lot of people by surprise, but guys emerged rather quickly ... 


That season the Pack went 13-3 and lost in the NFC Championship game to the Giants in a game that saw Favre throw a crippling overtime interception and Tom Coughlin lose 2/3 of his face to frostbite.


Aaron had a chance…even though the last couple years it's seemed like he's almost a rookie, he's been around awhile. And I'd like to think that he watched, he learned, and then when he got a chance to play, he brought in his ability—which is obviously very good or they wouldn't have drafted him in the first round ... 


"to replace me!!!  Can you believe they wanted to replace me?  Do they not know who I am?  I'm Brett Fucking Favre.  Men want to be me and women want to get in my wranglers.  I'm a legend baby!! I'm Brett Fucking Favre.  The best they'll ever see.  But you can't push out a legend like me!!  So, I went elsewhere and ... well, never mind.  Just know, if I was there with all that talent, we'd have won 3 Super Bowls.  WOOOO!!!!"


And so he just kind of fell into a good situation. On top of that, he's a good player. I don't think there's any pressure on him now, the talent around him is even better than when I was there. So I'm really kind of surprised it took him so long. In the early part of last year season, it hadn't quite clicked yet and I didn't know it would. I just kind of figured when they hit their stride, they're going to be hard to beat. And that's what happened."


And there's the money shot.  To call this a backhanded compliment would be a backhanded compliment to backhanded compliments.  Maybe someday when Favre finally shuts the hell up, we'll be able to ask him, what took so long.

2.  Reality?, Offense, Buffalo Bills;




Ryan Fitzpatrick - 199 yards.  0 TDs.  First 0 TD game of the season.

Fred Jackson - 66 rushing yards, 32 receiving yards, 1 TD.  First time under 100 total yards this season.

Stevie Johnson - 4 catches, 58 yards, 0 TDs.  First 0 TD game of the season.

Not so good.  Worse yet, anyone who tried to get cute a start David Nelson or Donald Jones or Scott Chandler was rewarded with no more than 21 stinking yards.  Maybe the Bengals D is that good (they're #1 in total defense so far this season) or maybe the Bills will slow down.  We don't know.  What we do know is that they play the Eagles next week and their defense is awful so keep these guys in your line-up.

3.  Peyton Hillis, Rare White Running Back, Cleveland Browns;


Hey, remember when Peyton Hillis was running wild all over the league and sports radio guys like Mike Golic were creaming over his biceps and he was so popular (read: white) that he got himself on the cover of Madden?  Nope, us neither.  Before the season, Hillis won the "Most Likely to Go Bust" superlative and was probably the most obvious candidate in recent memory (maybe since LaMont Jordan in 2006).  Now he's doing everything he can to to prove the doubters right.  On the season he's already missed one game (he had strep throat/was 11 years old) and only one decent performance (94 yards, 2 TDs) in which he only  had a 3.5 yard average.  And now. he's being questioned about whether he's distracted by not having a contract extension.  All together, we're not bullish on the Albino Rhino.  Trade him to your vaguely racist friend (or Hank Williams, Jr.) before everybody catches on.

4.  Ryan Torain, Stat Stealer, Washington Redskins; 


Guess what?  Mike Shanahan hates you.  But you knew that already.  So why did you draft Tim Hightower and expect him to hold the starting running back job for a team coach by that evil bastard?  Oh because he looked good in the preseason?  Or because the Skins, a team that never seems to have any draft picks, gave one up to get him?  Or perhaps because Shanahan seemed to be praising him left and right?  Well, Ryan Torain just ran for 135 yards and ruined your plans.  But it's your own damn fault.  You should have known better.

5.  Andy Reid, Hater, Philadelphia Eagles;

We hate to belabor the point or pile on the Eagles' highly disappointing beginning to the season but what the fuck Andy?  How does it happen that last week, you trailed for most of the game but still managed to rush Shady McCoy (perhaps the most dynamic runner in the league right now) 24 times and this week, in a game your team lead 20-3 at the half, you gave him only 9 carries?  That's an absolute disgrace.

If you were trying to prove everyone wrong that said Vick wasn't the player you sold him to be.  That worked out ok - 416 yards, 2 TDs, 75 yards rushing.  If you were also trying to prove once and for all that you lack even the most basic of game management skills.  You passed that test with flying fucking colors you rotund bastard.

6.  Arian Foster, Running Back, Houston Texans


It's seems somewhat fitting that in a week when Hank Williams, Jr. is being credited with "comparing President Obama to Hitler" that the Reign of the Arian Nation would return with a vengeance.  And a vengeance he did return with.  After throwing a shovel full of dirt on his grave last week and touting Ben Tate's potential to unseat him, Tate got hurt and 30 carries, 155 yards and 1 TD later Foster seized full control of his position as fantasy's #1 back.  He fits  Houston's running game to a "T" and if he's healthy (and we still contend that hamstrings are tricky) and Tate is not, Foster seems destined to rack up carries (and points) as his team copes with the temporary loss of Andre Johnson.

Speaking of Hank Williams, Jr., can we all just admit that the headline "Hank Williams, Jr. compares Obama to Hitler" is a tad misleading.  He said that Obama and Boehner playing golf together would be like "Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu."  We certainly don't recommend that any person in the public arena mention Hitler in the same sentence as a sitting president (former presidents are fair game, particularly Taft), but it's also pretty clear that old HW Jr. was trying to make a "two people who are polar opposites" analogy (even if we all accept that he thinks the word "analogy" means the study of asses.)  It's bad enough that he maybe he shouldn't have said it and maybe his song should be dumped from Monday Night Football, so we really didn't need the misleading headline.


7.  Brandon Lloyd, Shitty Wide Receiver, Shitty Denver Football Team;


We don't care what he did last year.  Brandon Lloyd sucks.  And unlike many of our past vacillations, we'll stand by that statement in perpetuity.  So, if' he's going to have more games where he catches 8 passes for 136 yards and cost us games against teams we should beat, we're going to quit fantasy football.  At least for a day or two.  Fuck Brandon Lloyd.

The Persnickety Project's Guide to Bathroom Etiquette

Look for this one in the supplemental rules.

While some blogs might prefer to focus on politics, religion, celebrity gossip, the cuteness of their cats and other "important" things, we prefer to address issues directly effecting the daily lives of our reader.  Things like the bathroom.  Specifically work bathroom etiquette.

(If that doesn't effect your daily life you should probably see a doctor or at least eat some ruffage or something.  It's important to stay regular.)

Perhaps no element of our modern lifestyle presents a larger dichotomy between the home and work experience.  At home, the bathroom is a a place of quiet comfort and reflection; a place of utter peace and privacy unshared with even our closest companions.  At work, it is something wholly different, a veritiable shit show.  People who can barely stand to exchange even the smallest of small talk are now forced to share the most private of experiences, pants open for all the world to see, hear and smell.  It is for that reason we feel required, no compelled, to outline the ways in which we, as a society, can bring back some civility and privacy.  It is our duty to discuss how to do your doodie.

With that awfulness, we present "The Persnickety Project's Rules of Bathroom Etiquette"

1.  Do.  Not.  Talk.

Even if you choose t ignore all societal norms in your life, please heed this one.  Do not talk in the bathroom.  Period.  Don't talk to the person next to you at the stall.  Don't talk to yourself.  Don't talk on the phone (yes, they can hear the echo).  And sure as hell don't talk to the person in the stall next to you.  Do not talk at all.  The bathroom is like a porcelain church where mass happens 24/7.  Any conversation had on the way into the bathroom it must stop upon immediately upon entering the cone of silence.  Even if you were about to unlock the secret to world peace, you can pick right back up where you left off when you're done in there.  The bathroom is a place for excreting unnecessary things from your body, not meaningless words from your mouth.

  

 Note:  At home, this rule is applied to the opposite effect.  That's your business, if the other person doesn't mind, chatting on the phone or through the door is not only acceptable but encouraged.

2.  Also, be quiet.

The cellular phone has both ruined and enhanced our lives in countless ways.  Where the excuses to avoid phone calls have disappeared, you can now meet a friend in a crowded train station and know instantly what some guy your spouse used to work with had for dinner.  No place is this more pronounced than the can.  Smart phones have provided people with endless seated entertainment options like playing "quant" on "Words with Friends" for 73 points while also providing additional ways to infuriate your stallmates.  The worst being incessant Blackberry typing.  Sorry chief but no matter how much you tell yourself your job is sooo important that your client can't wait 10 minutes for your reply, you aren't and that 30 page email missive can wait until you get back to your desk.  Keep it down, people are trying to concentrate over here.

Note:  The only tolerated noises include only "necessary consequences of the bathroom experience" such as faucets, flushing and ... other unavoidable noise.  Just don't be all dramatic about it.

  

3.  Wash Your Hands.

Or don't.  Whatever, we don't care.  It's your call.  Just know if you don't, you're forcing someone to shake hands with your junk (and if they didn't wash their hands your shaking their junk, plus the junk of everyone other person who did the same.  The chain goes on and on).

Note:  A PSA showing men shaking each other's junk as a greeting would eradicate any hand washing issues in approximately 3.2 seconds and be approximately 1,000 times more effective than some educational crap about germs.

  

 4.  Alternate Stalls.

There is one acceptable way to fill a multi-stall bathroom.  It's not up for discussion.

Upon entering an empty bathroom, select the open stall furthest from the door.  This will both provide you with the maximum level of cover and appropriately set the stage for later entries.  If for some reason you cannot select the above-mentioned stall and the bathroom has 3 open stalls, do not choose the middle stall.  If you do, you are an asshole.

If stall in question is "handicapped"move to the next one.  Your desire for extra leg room doesn't trump the fact that the dude in the wheelchair can't fucking walk.  What are you an animal?

Upon entering a bathroom that is otherwise occupied, you are mandated by the 2nd amendment (legalize the Constitution!!), the word of the lord and basic human dignity to ensure that your stall choice leaves at least one empty stall between yourself and all other individuals.  Take time to assess the situation, use your algebra skills and make sure your choice doesn't unnecessarily block other entires.

If you enter a bathroom and the only open space would not allow for proper separation, walk away.  That's why god made the second floor.

Note:  There are no exceptions to this rule (which applies similarly to urinals) and violations will be punished harshly.  For example, creating a "full house" is punishable by death or exile to Eerie, Pennsylvania.

5.  Stick With the Program

The bathroom is a single (or perhaps double) purpose area.  It is not a place to clean dishes.  and it is certainly not a place to brush your teeth.  Seriously, Mr. Halitosis, that's just weird.  Nobody wants to see or hear someone jamming a toothbrush down their throat to clean their tongue.  It's distracting from a task which requires the utmost concentration.  Plus, it's just creepy

Note:  If your breath is that rank after a turkey sandwich you might have something bigger to worry about like the apparent rotting of your insides. 

6.  Sharing is Caring

If you're still living in the 1990's and getting your news from something called a newspaper then you probably roll it up under your arm and bring it with you when its time to drop a deuce.  If so, don't be selfish with your reading materials.  Fold that USA Today up nicely and leave it for the next occupant.  Especially the purple section.  People just love the purple section.

Note:  Unless you're pulling double duty, you won't need the paper again anyway.  Reading at your desk is poor form.

7.  Seat up dummy.

We know it seems like a fun idea to imagine your boss sitting in a puddle right before that big afternoon meeting.  If you have a bad boss, that thought probably gives you an excited feeling in your tummy.  But think about it another way, if your boss is already a dick who misdirects all of his life frustrations toward you, what are the chances you won't feel the effects of a midmorning water slide.  So put the seat up and remember that it runs downhill.

Note:  Sorry ladies, this rule doesn't apply to you.  Take solace in the fact that your bathrooms always seem to have a couch.  

8.  No Eye Contact


It's like the adult section of the video store or whatever awkward situation that has replaced that one now that we have 24-hour porn channels, everyone knows why you're there but there's no reason to force the other person to acknowledge it.  Let your peers feel dirty in anonymity and check out the awesome grout work.

Note:  Seriously, don't look at us.

9.  Pick Your Spots


Have you ever come upon a 4-way stop?  Everyone looks around cautiously and goes only when the path is absolutely clear.  The same principal applies here.  Stop, look and listen (context clues are key) and when you have an opening that will allow you to vacate the premises while avoiding all human contact, make your move.

Note:  That numbness you feel in your legs is called integrity.


There you have it 9 simple rules to make the bathroom the tranquil and comfortable place it should be.  There's enough stress in life, we must strive to pee and poo in peace.

Like us?  Hate us? Utterly apathetic?  Tell your friends anyway.  We need more readers, even if it means being mocked.