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| "Hey honey, I'm thinking of buying a rape van and getting a custom license plate and sticker related to a roller coaster up in Jersey, what do you think? Honey? Honey? Oh that's right, I'm talking to myself because I'm a lonely loser." |
Sure, it's billed as the tallest roller coaster in the world and the fastest in North America. And sure, some dipshit who apparently has more readers than us posted a (poorly) written ghost story about it. And sure, it can make boys with premature mustaches scream like the lead singer from Dashboard Confessional. And we just hate to be judgmental but that's a really mediocre way to define your existence.
First, there's the vanity plate which costs you an extra $40 a year and requires you to physically enter the 8th circle of hell - the DMV - to order one. (Luckily they have a handy-dandy website where you can check if your dream plate is available. Amazingly, DICKNUT wasn't taken. We reserved it for 60 days.) Then after you get it, every single person you ever meet or otherwise see in the vicinity of your car (not in a school zone for this fellow, of course) will see your license plate and ask you (or more likely ask someone else about it behind your back and make fun of you) what's its about and you'll have to explain that you not only enjoy roller coasters but are FUCKING OBSESSED with Kingda Ka. No matter what else you do in your life, save a baby from a burning building, start a charity to sure an obscure disease like GERD, beat Angry Birds with 3 stars on every level, nothing will change the perception that you are "Kingda Ka Guy." That is no way to go through life.
Second, Six Flags is located in Jackson, New Jersey. This man is from Delaware a state that prides itself on being "first" (its just as douchey when it's the state motto as it is when its found in the comments section of EW.com) and tax free shopping. If that's the best they can do it's time to just start over. Having been there we can attest that there's not an interesting thing in the entire state. Even so, if we were from Delaware and found ourselves identifying with anything in Jackson, New Jersey, we'd be writing this blog from a belt hung over a beam in our basement.
Finally, you survived Kingda Ka. Did you? Really? Your survived? No, you didn't. You're not an astronaut or a sky diver or anyone else who does things that are dangerous. You are not Evel Knievel. No, you rode on an amusement park ride like thousands of other people who don't tell everyone about it. One with lap and shoulder harnesses that designed for the sole purpose of protecting your safety. And you sat there. Shoveling snow is more dangerous. You did not survive anything. You are no better than my grandmother.
So, don't define yourself by something so silly. Make it something meaningful. Write a blog instead.
Onto bitching and moaning about pretend football ....
1. Biblical, Weather, Jacksonville, Florida;
There are many levels of fantasy football obsession. From the "Laissez-Faire Guy" who drafts and then ignores his team beyond filling in his weekly roster. (Note: these people generally have fun playing fantasy sports) To "Real GM Guy" who, before the draft even starts has already made three trades and talking about rebuilding his keeper team on the fly. (Note: its a little too goddamn real to these people). We'd always assumed we were close to the top of the loser food chain, but as we sat there this weekend watching the score of the Panthers-Jags game that seemed like it belonged in a baseball movie with made up teams, we realized there must be another, as yet undiscovered species out there, one that would have realized, even if Cam Newton has racked up 600+ yards in his first two games that this week would be different, since he'd be playing in an apocalyptic rain storm. We'll call him "Real GM Guy with Doppler 5000, aka Sam Champion." Either way, our love of Cam still runs strong. Even during the end of times, he still managed a touchdown and didn't turn the ball over. The Cam Newton We Shoulda Known Better Tour Continues next week against the Chicago Bears.
2. Kenny Britt, WR, Tennessee Titans;
How is it possible to get through this one without cursing? Britt's injury was fruiting bankshot. Seriously, how is it that, after trying to trade for this motherfiretrucker since 5 minutes after the draft ended, our dumb asbestos finally pulls it off, giving up all milkyfondue depth to finally lucky jackalope get him, and our reward is almost as many torn knee ligaments as fantasy points? Dinklehopper. Shuttlecock. Harris Teeter!! Before the injury, Britt was making corner backs across the league his banjos. Now, instead of becoming one of the best receivers in football (6th maybe, behind only Andre, Larry Calvin, Greg, Roddy), he's just part of another boring alps story that joe piscapos like us tell people who don't really care to listen. Might as well just finagle our cucamonga and punch us in the gorgonzola. Bastiges!!!!!
3. Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee Titans;
Two years ago, Chris Johnson rushed for 2,000 yards and became the toast of both real and fake football. We all bought in and we made him the #1 overall pick because it was fun watching a 5'11" 191 pound speedster make everyone look silly while averaging a whopping 5.6 yards per carry. He was what we envisioned Reggie Bush would be. The next year, his yardage fell 700 yards (somewhat predictable) while his per carry average fell by almost a yard and a half (somewhat disturbing) and we all chalked it up as regression to the mean or a product of his team's struggles. Now, three weeks into this season, CJ (formerly CJ2K) has been out rushed in games by Deji Karim and Willis McGahee and is averaging a pitiful 2.1 yard per carry (to put that in perspective, he could literally trip over the line of scrimmage and fall flat on his face on every carry and, with a reasonable stretch of the ball, maintain that average). Do we simply chalk it up as a slow start and a hangover from a particularly potent lockout/holdout cocktail or do we start to look at this as trend? We don't know. But, particularly in yearly leagues, it might be time to gauge his trade value. If you can get another Top 10 back who looks healthy and not sluggish, it might be time to pull the trigger. Better to be a week late than a week early.
4. Offense, Buffalo Bills
Yep, it just keeps happening. The usual suspects did their things, Fitzy threw for 369 yards and 2 TDs (9 total, good for 2nd in the league), Freddie J rolled up another 161 total yards and a touchdown and Stevie put up his customary 8 catch, 94 yard, 1 TD performance. The difference? First, it came in Buffalo's first win over the Pats since Sweden rejected adopting the Euro by referendum. Second, now it's not just the usual suspects with guys like Donald Jones (Winner: 2011 Generic Name Award) having 100 yard receiving days and David Nelson (4th Place: 2011 Generic Name Award) averaging 7 catches and 77 yards per game. The Bills are now the '99 Rams. If they keep this up, it's going to be very exciting watching them play in Los Angeles in 2 years. Sorry, Toronto.
5. Mike Vick, QB/Cry Baby, Philadelphia Eagles;
Before this fantasy season, Matthew Berry (who may very well be a nice guy but to us comes off as such a dicknose) blasted all of the ESPN platforms with his theory that Vick should be the #1 overall fantasy pick. While, we and most sane people vehemently disagreed (through the cynics/realists might argue that was the whole point) he logic seemed sound: take Vick's numbers from last year and, even if you prorate them to account for 2 or 3 missed games and put in a random free agent QB (the proverbial David Garrard), that combination gives you the most fantasy points. That makes total sense unless last year's numbers were an aberration. Three weeks into the season and, even if he hasn't moved in yet, the Dogkiller at least looks like he's contacted a realtor about a house in Aberration City. Vick hasn't thrown for more than 300 yards in his last seven starts, has thrown a pick in 8 of his last 9 and, for a player who derives so much of his value from his legs, has been held under 50 yards rushing in 6 of his last 9 starts. Those are not the stats you want in your best fantasy player. As much fun as it was to see him carve up the Washington Redskins last season on Monday Night Football and look like Darwin in shoulder pads, games like that are not the norm. He's not the #1 overall player, he's not even the #1 overall QB. Shit, he might not even be Ryan Fitzpatrick at this point.
By the way, whining about getting hit too much (particularly when the stats show you get more roughing the passer calls than anyone else) is just terrible. If you're pissed about getting hit, yell at your lineman, make the defense pay or (gasp!) get rid of the ball in less than 5 seconds. But do not go to the media and complain, that's as unmanly not drinking Miller Light.
6. Darren McFadden, RB, Oakland Raiders;
Running backs, particularly ones that come with high first round pedigrees, aren't usually slow to develop. So when McFadden's first two seasons combined to produce more missed (7) than 100 yard (1) games, it was tempting to write him off as an injury-prone bust and chalk up last year's 1600 total yard season to a fluke and wait for him to get injured again. After last week's 171 yard explosion against the self-vaunted Jets defense (even without the 70 yard run, he still would have had 100 yards on 18 carries) we're much more tempted to go all in on Run DMC. In a league where it seems like every good running back is on the downside of his career, McFadden is on the rise. Speaking of the Jets, a team built on the premise that it would run the ball and play great defense currently ranks 25th in rushing yards and 31st (second to last) in rushing yards allowed. At some point they have to stop talking about how good they are and actually show it, right?
7. Reggie Bush, Irrelevant, Miami Dolphins;
At approximately 3:57 ET on Sunday, doctors pronounced the fantasy football career of one Reginald Alfred "Reggie" Bush dead. It was a sad turn of events for a career that began with such promise. After entering the league with as much hype and fanfare as any player in recent memory, Bush immediately experienced complications associated with an inability to run in-between the tackles and an apparent disinterest in getting hit. After five seasons in which he never rushed for more than 600 yards, Bush found himself on life support. However, after a last-ditch move to Miami, members close to Bush were optimistic he might recover if simple given a chance. Alas, it was not meant to be. With 69 yards in 3 games and an average of 2.6 yards per carry, Bush's chance ended abruptly and hope was lost. In the aftermath, Bush supporters quoted as saying "By the end, he couldn't even do the things he used to enjoy so much like catch the ball out of the backfield. It was just sad to see him that way. If he couldn't be the player he once was, we realized it was time to let him go." Bush is survived in the Dolphin backfield by Daniel Thomas, the exciting and productive rookie running back Bush never was. In lieu of flowers, the family asks that donations be made to the "Buy Reggie's Heisman off Ebay Fund."
Until next week, remember, be powered by a bull.
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