Semi-Live Blogging the Republic Debate

Now that we've finished our ice cream and are hopped up on sugar, we've officially ready for the big bad Republican debate.  We have Brian Williams, some internet dude and an airplane.  It doesn't get any better than this.

First up, Rick Perry.  AKA - the New George Bush.

Jobs, jobs, jobs.

Ohhh, interesting facts about each candidate.  This should be good.

Tidbit on Perry - met his wife in elementary school.  That's a little weird.   Was she a student?  Parents, keep your eyes on this guy.

Mitt Romney is a creep.  He just stands there gazing at everyone.  He's making us uncomfortable from 3,000 miles away.

Romney Tidbit - Ran the 2002 Winter Olympics.  Wish we could remember anything about any winter olympics ever.

Slap fight between Romney and Perry complete with a gratuitous shot at Al Gore.  There's no truth to the rumor to Gore is in full beard mode watching from the cockpit of the plane hanging from the ceiling.

Rick Santorum:  Gets shit done, apparently.  Very profound.

Santorum tidbit:  One of Time's Top 25 Evangelicals in 2005.  In 3 years all his wins will be vacated.

Herman Caine:  9-9-9, bitch!!

nahn, nahn nahn, 10% for god, 9% for the federal government.  Amazing.  Not springily that gets a big reaction.  People love to pay god.

His plan involves helping cities.  Too bad republicans don't care about cities - that's where poor people live.

Random lawyer looking guy Tidbit:  Plays the keyboard.  Is that something to be proud of?  Not unless it's a keytar.

Things Mitt Romey doesn't get about China:  the chopsticks,

Michelle Bachman in the house.

Nancy Regan is 90 with no face wrinkles and she looks more natural.

Things we learned:  Michelle eats a restaurants with her 47 children who she forces to work at an early age.  Got it.  Thanks.

Somehow the guy who wants to abolish government is the sanest of the bunch.

Newt.  Oh, Newt.

Write a book, he'll write the forward.

Tidbit on Newt:  Married to his third secretary/wife.

Newt was a lot more interesting when he was played by Chris Farley on SNL.

Newt:  Obama is a class warlord.

Who the fuck in John Harris?  Oh, the internet guy.

technical difficulties.

Ron Paul.  Shrugger.  Love this guy.  He doesn't give a rat ass about your government.

has delivered 4,000+ babies which is ironically more than the amount of votes he'll get in the primary.

Real politics break:  Apparently Mitt Romney doesn't understand the constitution if he thinks the Secretary of Health and Human Services can issue executive orders overriding federal law.  Sounds good on tv though.

Rick Perry can defend last place.  And if you don't think he will, you're a crazy liberal douchebag.  Obamacare is responsible for all uninsured in Texas.  FACTS ARE OPTIONAL AT THIS DEBATE.

Huntsman (lawyer looking dude):  his political strategists must have told him using first names would make him seem personable.  We think it makes him seem like a prick.

Bachman:  Wow, fact alert.  Executive Orders won't work.  Who saw that coming?  Not us.

Attention American Voters:  You are out.  Michelle Bachman is now in charge of electing senators.  Enjoy your day off.

Newt has no interest in turing this debate into an actual debate.  Making it clear they're all the same kind of crazy.   The Justice League of Republicans have officially banded together to stop the evil Obama!!    Newt is the Green Lantern.

Cain tidbit:  Worked for Burger King.  Coined the phrase "flame broiled"

Rick Santorum, do you care about the poor?  Rick Santorum works "on the poor" ... in the third person, of course.  Poor people:  Rick Santorum took away your welfare for your own damn good.  You can send thank you cards directly to 1 I Don't Give a Shit About You Lane, Rickland, Santorumville.

Rick Perry - thoughts on a income gap between blacks and whites?  Answer:  Government sucks.  Additionally, Perry does not know Santorum's name.

Evoking Kennedy not big for this audience.  Big surprise?

Twitter Question Time!!

Romney's energy policy:  Burn everything ... and, oh yeah, some renewable resources too if we have to.

Huntsman:  $2 gas my ass people!!  This man speaks from his heart and soul.  And his ass, as well.

Ron Paul just well asleep.  That man is not getting enough burn here.

Nevermind.  Softball for Ronnie Paul.  Scrap the minimum wage, of course.  LET THE MAN FINISH!!  Silver dimes are the key to the economy.  They're worth 3 dollars.

Ron Paul just lost the election.  You don't talk shit on Reagan in his own library.  The silence is defending.

MONTAGE!!

Romey holding strong on the creepy gaze thing.

Rick Perry comes off as infinitely more intelligent than Bush but also infinitely less charismatic.

How do you talk about social security without scaring seniors?  Wait five minutes until they forget.

Perry promises provocative language and .... Herman Caine baby!!  He'll interrupt your monolog to talk about Chile.  Chile is the model for economic freedom people.  Don't dispute Herman's Chilean model facts.  You do not need retirement accounts when you die in mine disasters.

Ron Paul:  Still talking about things that people don't really care about.  No executive orders, sure to be a big election issue for voters.

Bachman:  Is it incredibly humid in California?  Her hair is huge.

Perry feels like a piñata?  Somebody get Herman Caine a bat, please!!

Santorum just filed a patent application for the "puzzled look."

7 children?  One day the Santorum-Caine army will rule the known world.

Mitt Romney loves "amrca"

Good to see Newt isn't above the old fashion scare tactics.  Three nuclear attacks in one morning?  Nobody is that productive before noon.

Ron Paul doesn't' take kindly to the TSA's grabbiness.  He'd rather have Mossad agents with automatic weapons.

Ron Paul doesn't think our soldiers need air conditioning.  That type of lack of patriotism don't fly here son.

HERMAN CAINE!!!  Off his meds, swatting at imaginary bugs.  Can we vote for him today?  Please?

Huntsman:  Let me just say ...... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Holy fuck.  What's with all the issues?

Perry:  Schools.  Highest 4th graders in the county.  Immigrants.  Ebay.

New colleague.  TELEMUNDO!!!

This guy can't feel comfortable in front of these characters.  Newt just called the INS.

Boots on the ground.  Boots on the ground.  Looking like a fool with your boots on the ground.

Predator drones?  If they're good enough to blow up terrorists, they're good enough to keep out mexicans.

Romney wants to build a fence that he admits won't work.  Sounds logical.

Can you picture Newt under his blanket at night with a flashlight reading Regan's diary.

English as the official language gets a big clap.  Apparently this is not a Telemundo studio audience.

Signs you should kill yourself:  Vaguely agreeing with something Rick Santorum says.

What color is the fence?  Is it subject to a neighborhood association to ensure it maintains a consistent look?

 It doesn't matter what they say, the contrast between Caine's raw power and Huntman's CLE instructor act is simply jarring.

If President Reagan were here today he'd smell and probably be a little confused as to why there's a giant plane in the middle of the room.

Barbed wire fence with machine guns?  We saw something like that in Berlin once.  Maybe they can consult on the project.

Holy shit!! We're trapped by the giant fence by ... wait, who's keeping us hostage inside the country again?

Asymmetrical.

Huntsman believes in strengthening the core.  Two years ago he was all about cardio.  The man has no principles.

Mitt Romney:  Still creepy.

9-11, 9-11, 9-11, 9-11.

"Military Adventurism" premieres this Tuesday on Discovery after "Sons of Guns" and before "One Man Army."

Prosps to Perry for giving prosps to Seal Team 6.  Big time prosps.

If you have trouble speaking clearly, shouldn't you stick to your website and not branch out into republic debates moderation?  Just a thought.

Michelle, if you tell everyone the secrets, they're not secrets anymore.

A global calify sounds really bad.

Ronald Regan's brain melted like the wicket witch of the west.

Which one of these people says crazy and asinine things?  Answer:  Everyone!!  That was not a difficult question, Internet Guy.

Rick Perry has now referenced John Maynard Keynes and Galileo in back to back questions.  He's clearly a member of the Illuminati.  Apparently he didn't get the memo that science has no place in the republican platform.

Totally agree with the thought we should be more like Spain.  The siesta plan is well overdue.

Newt is deepening my depression.

It's good to see that Rick Perry doesn't take offense to the fact that Alaska is bigger than Texas.  Sweet of Newt to check with him first.

Things Romney has a bit of a hard time with:  smiling, not tanning, making people believe he's not a robot, winning elections, moving his face, not being a creep, keeping us from nodding off

continued:  saying demonstrably.

Rick Perry supports hearings, appeals and frying people.  YOU WILL EXPERIENCE THE ULTIMATE JUSTICE

WILD APPLAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even Brian Williams was disturbed by that one.  This thing just got very deathy.

Internet Guy makes a hard left back to taxes before Herman can get in on death (his proposal is to kill all criminals himself).  We support this whole-heartedly).  And thank god he does - NAHN NAHN NAHN.  VISA VERSA.  RECESSION SINCE DEPRESSION.  That's music to the ears people.

And with that, it is over.  A painful night has come to an end.  Think of how boring this is going to get when Herman is inevitably eliminated.  Only you can stop it from happening, people.

YES YOU CAIN!!!!