The Persnickety Project's Guide to Bathroom Etiquette

Look for this one in the supplemental rules.

While some blogs might prefer to focus on politics, religion, celebrity gossip, the cuteness of their cats and other "important" things, we prefer to address issues directly effecting the daily lives of our reader.  Things like the bathroom.  Specifically work bathroom etiquette.

(If that doesn't effect your daily life you should probably see a doctor or at least eat some ruffage or something.  It's important to stay regular.)

Perhaps no element of our modern lifestyle presents a larger dichotomy between the home and work experience.  At home, the bathroom is a a place of quiet comfort and reflection; a place of utter peace and privacy unshared with even our closest companions.  At work, it is something wholly different, a veritiable shit show.  People who can barely stand to exchange even the smallest of small talk are now forced to share the most private of experiences, pants open for all the world to see, hear and smell.  It is for that reason we feel required, no compelled, to outline the ways in which we, as a society, can bring back some civility and privacy.  It is our duty to discuss how to do your doodie.

With that awfulness, we present "The Persnickety Project's Rules of Bathroom Etiquette"

1.  Do.  Not.  Talk.

Even if you choose t ignore all societal norms in your life, please heed this one.  Do not talk in the bathroom.  Period.  Don't talk to the person next to you at the stall.  Don't talk to yourself.  Don't talk on the phone (yes, they can hear the echo).  And sure as hell don't talk to the person in the stall next to you.  Do not talk at all.  The bathroom is like a porcelain church where mass happens 24/7.  Any conversation had on the way into the bathroom it must stop upon immediately upon entering the cone of silence.  Even if you were about to unlock the secret to world peace, you can pick right back up where you left off when you're done in there.  The bathroom is a place for excreting unnecessary things from your body, not meaningless words from your mouth.

  

 Note:  At home, this rule is applied to the opposite effect.  That's your business, if the other person doesn't mind, chatting on the phone or through the door is not only acceptable but encouraged.

2.  Also, be quiet.

The cellular phone has both ruined and enhanced our lives in countless ways.  Where the excuses to avoid phone calls have disappeared, you can now meet a friend in a crowded train station and know instantly what some guy your spouse used to work with had for dinner.  No place is this more pronounced than the can.  Smart phones have provided people with endless seated entertainment options like playing "quant" on "Words with Friends" for 73 points while also providing additional ways to infuriate your stallmates.  The worst being incessant Blackberry typing.  Sorry chief but no matter how much you tell yourself your job is sooo important that your client can't wait 10 minutes for your reply, you aren't and that 30 page email missive can wait until you get back to your desk.  Keep it down, people are trying to concentrate over here.

Note:  The only tolerated noises include only "necessary consequences of the bathroom experience" such as faucets, flushing and ... other unavoidable noise.  Just don't be all dramatic about it.

  

3.  Wash Your Hands.

Or don't.  Whatever, we don't care.  It's your call.  Just know if you don't, you're forcing someone to shake hands with your junk (and if they didn't wash their hands your shaking their junk, plus the junk of everyone other person who did the same.  The chain goes on and on).

Note:  A PSA showing men shaking each other's junk as a greeting would eradicate any hand washing issues in approximately 3.2 seconds and be approximately 1,000 times more effective than some educational crap about germs.

  

 4.  Alternate Stalls.

There is one acceptable way to fill a multi-stall bathroom.  It's not up for discussion.

Upon entering an empty bathroom, select the open stall furthest from the door.  This will both provide you with the maximum level of cover and appropriately set the stage for later entries.  If for some reason you cannot select the above-mentioned stall and the bathroom has 3 open stalls, do not choose the middle stall.  If you do, you are an asshole.

If stall in question is "handicapped"move to the next one.  Your desire for extra leg room doesn't trump the fact that the dude in the wheelchair can't fucking walk.  What are you an animal?

Upon entering a bathroom that is otherwise occupied, you are mandated by the 2nd amendment (legalize the Constitution!!), the word of the lord and basic human dignity to ensure that your stall choice leaves at least one empty stall between yourself and all other individuals.  Take time to assess the situation, use your algebra skills and make sure your choice doesn't unnecessarily block other entires.

If you enter a bathroom and the only open space would not allow for proper separation, walk away.  That's why god made the second floor.

Note:  There are no exceptions to this rule (which applies similarly to urinals) and violations will be punished harshly.  For example, creating a "full house" is punishable by death or exile to Eerie, Pennsylvania.

5.  Stick With the Program

The bathroom is a single (or perhaps double) purpose area.  It is not a place to clean dishes.  and it is certainly not a place to brush your teeth.  Seriously, Mr. Halitosis, that's just weird.  Nobody wants to see or hear someone jamming a toothbrush down their throat to clean their tongue.  It's distracting from a task which requires the utmost concentration.  Plus, it's just creepy

Note:  If your breath is that rank after a turkey sandwich you might have something bigger to worry about like the apparent rotting of your insides. 

6.  Sharing is Caring

If you're still living in the 1990's and getting your news from something called a newspaper then you probably roll it up under your arm and bring it with you when its time to drop a deuce.  If so, don't be selfish with your reading materials.  Fold that USA Today up nicely and leave it for the next occupant.  Especially the purple section.  People just love the purple section.

Note:  Unless you're pulling double duty, you won't need the paper again anyway.  Reading at your desk is poor form.

7.  Seat up dummy.

We know it seems like a fun idea to imagine your boss sitting in a puddle right before that big afternoon meeting.  If you have a bad boss, that thought probably gives you an excited feeling in your tummy.  But think about it another way, if your boss is already a dick who misdirects all of his life frustrations toward you, what are the chances you won't feel the effects of a midmorning water slide.  So put the seat up and remember that it runs downhill.

Note:  Sorry ladies, this rule doesn't apply to you.  Take solace in the fact that your bathrooms always seem to have a couch.  

8.  No Eye Contact


It's like the adult section of the video store or whatever awkward situation that has replaced that one now that we have 24-hour porn channels, everyone knows why you're there but there's no reason to force the other person to acknowledge it.  Let your peers feel dirty in anonymity and check out the awesome grout work.

Note:  Seriously, don't look at us.

9.  Pick Your Spots


Have you ever come upon a 4-way stop?  Everyone looks around cautiously and goes only when the path is absolutely clear.  The same principal applies here.  Stop, look and listen (context clues are key) and when you have an opening that will allow you to vacate the premises while avoiding all human contact, make your move.

Note:  That numbness you feel in your legs is called integrity.


There you have it 9 simple rules to make the bathroom the tranquil and comfortable place it should be.  There's enough stress in life, we must strive to pee and poo in peace.

Like us?  Hate us? Utterly apathetic?  Tell your friends anyway.  We need more readers, even if it means being mocked.