Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 1

We're officially back for year two of the Persnickety Project's weekly bitching and moaning about the unfairness that is fantasy football.  We know you're excited.  For the uninitiated, here's the drill:  short (or not so) story about something shitty that happened in the past week and them we call out some random number of fantasy performers for fucking with our fantasy, and inarguably too important, lives.  Bad jokes abound and a good time is had by all.

We recently discovered the greatest thing in the history of the world - a lunchtime basketball game.  A group of guys from various state offices in the area play everyday for an hour at lunch at a local YWCA (it's like the YMCA but without the construction workers, bikers and Indians).  Like we said, greatest thing in the world.  There's only one problem.

Dinkuses.

Yes, dinkuses.  Wangs.  Whippy-Whops.  Dongs.  Ding Dongs.  Caciolas.  Willies.  Wieners.  Tools.  Wankers.  Power Tools.  Schlongs.  Johnsons.  Members. 

The underrated part of lunchtime basketball is that you sweat like an animal and then have to go back to work.  So, to most people, that means a shower in the locker room.  Which means lots of naked dudes.  Which means lots of penises.  Everywhere.  Of all shapes and sizes.  It's like browsing through the gallery on Brett Favre's Droid.

Maybe its a generational thing but nobody seems to mind standing around air drying their junk and talking about the weather.  Nobody except us, of course.  We're certainly not homophobic (peniphobic, perhaps) but there's something we find highly unsettling about standing in a 10 by 10 foot room full of naked men with their danglies out.  It's just kinda awkward.  So instead of showering, we stand the in the corner, sweating profusely and trying to get changed as quickly as possible to get the hell out of there.  Oh yeah, and trying desperately to maintain eye contact.

And that's our first hand account of having a day ruined by a dinkus.

Now, on to less uncomfortable things like fantasy football ...

1.  Cam Newton, QB/Savior, Carolina Panthers.


Holy Duckbills!! (good luck trying to figure out what obscenity that was autocorrected from)  No, the CBS ticker wasn't having a stroke on Sunday, Newton really did throw for 422 yards passing and account for 3 total touchdowns.  How's that for a debut?  From a lack of experience to a highly unimpressive preseason, Newton didn't appear ready to start much less star in Week 1.  But star he did.  Still, if we had to come up with one word to describe it would be "untenable."  As good as Newton looked (much more like a "real" quarterback than anyone would have guessed) the reasons people doubted early success didn't just disappear with one big game.  While we feel a lot better about our expectation that Newton will be a really good player, he's still a rookie and the Cardinals secondary might just stink.  If you have an extra bench spot, take a flier and hope to catch lighting in a bottle but its way too early to expect more.  If you do, you'll end up just like Carolina, picking high in next year's draft.

One side effect of Newton's unexpected competence was the potential resurrection of Steve Smith.  In what feels like another lifetime, Smith was a fantasy beast.   But with 178 yards (his highest total since October 2006), he's already a third of the way to last years total and his 2 touchdowns have already matched what he gave owners last season.  If the Panthers end up in a bunch of shootouts (or blowouts) and Newton can reliably get the ball down the field, Smith might find himself reentering starter territory for the first time in years.  He''ll never be the stud we once knew but he's at least making a case to again being THE Steve Smith.

2.  Chad Ochostinko, WR, New England Patriots.


How does a former Pro Bowler play in an offense that not only scores 38 points but has its quarterback throw for  a mind-numbing 517 yards on 32 completions (virtual us, with 99s across the board, on rookie couldn't do any better) and manage only 1 catch for 14 yards?  Was he being used as the world's finest decoy?  Did he give his uniform to a fan to wear as a gag?  Is he really Randy Moss, circa 2010?  Either way, with all the action going on around him you'd have figured Ocho would have at least stumbled into something like 4 for 60 and a passable fantasy day.  Instead, we're left to ponder whether, after one game, its premature to conclude that the rejuvenation tour is already cancelled.  Don't panic quiet yet, knowing that he only played 18 snaps, but if that number doesn't grow consistently, start moving your finger toward the button.

3.  Random Good Week 1 Numbers, Shitty Quarterbacks, Crappy Teams.


Chad Henne:  416 yards passing, 2 TDs.  59 yards rushing, 1 TD.

Kyle Orton:  301 yards, 1 TD

Jay Cutler:  312 yards, 2 TDs

Matt Hasselbeck: 263 yards, 2 TDs

Rex Grossman: 305 yards, 2 TDs.

Every single one of these guys outscored [Fill in the Blank] Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, Matt Ryan, Sam Bradford and Josh Freeman.  If you were on the wrong end of a game involving any of these players, you have permission to kick your opponent in the soul (or if your opponent happened to start one of the above-mentioned Shitty Quarterbacks, kick him/her where his/her soul should be).  Going forward, we wouldn't trust a goddamn one of these jokers.

4.  Donovan McNabb, QB, Minnesota Vikings.


7 for 15.  39 yards.  Really #5, did you seriously just do that?  Didn't you used to be, like, good and stuff?   That's disgrace worthy of making us consider all the nice things we said about him in our "$100 Million Always Seems Like a Good Idea at the Time" post.  Put anyone else on the team back there and they do better.  Shit, put that Dolphin with no tail from that weird "Morgan Freeman Just Got a Divorce" movie behind center and had him just nose balls over to Percy Harvin all game, and he breaks 100.  This type of thing will test the theory about whether you can retroactively invalidate a good career.  Maybe Shanahan wasn't wrong after all.  It's going to be an even longer and even colder winter for our Viking fan readers.

5.  Offense, Buffalo Bills.


Just like there's a special place in hell for people who faux-sheepishly force their way on to already overcrowded elevators, there's a special place in our posts for the Bills offense.  We wrote about them in stunned amazement as the one player who was supposed to do anything (C.J. Spiller) busted while three unheralded (and that's being kind) guys - Fred "Middling Action" Jackson, Steve "Stevie" Johnson, and Ryan "Is that the Quarterback from Harvard" Fitzpatrick - emerged as relevant fantasy contributors.  Surely it won't continue this year, right?

What's that you say, the Bills scored 41 on the Chefs?  Fitz threw 4 touchdowns, Jackson ran for 122 yards and Stevie got a tweet from the almighty telling him to get 66 yards and a touch?

Surely, we have no clue what we're talking about.  Ride your Bills, people.  Ride your Bills.

6.  Quad, Steven Jackson, RB, St. Louis Rams.


Our man crush on Jax dates back to 2006 when he tagged his 1500 yards on the ground with 90 catches and another 800 in the air.  The problem is, despite his big reputation, he's really only had one truly great season.  Still, 2 carries and a 47 yard touchdown into a season that would theoretically put him back in an offense where he could shine, it seemed like another might be in the cards.  Then he got hurt (again) and Pontiac Williams had 140 yards in his place.  Now Jax's quad is threatening to replace "Fred Taylor's Groin" as the go-to fantasy football injury joke.  Our love is a misguided one.

7.  LeGarrettee Blount, RB, Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

You know it's bad when your starting running back barely has more carries (5) then unnecessary letters in his name (3).  For an undrafted player who surprised on a surprising team as a power runner who remains deficient in areas like blocking and pass catching, 15 yards in the opening game is scary.  We've seen one-hit wonders before (Steve Slaton, anyone?) and we'll see them again.  Owners who drafted Blount high, better hope it's not him and not this year.