In coming up with our list, we tried to avoid the metric shit ton of terrible novelty songs and misguided attempts at hilarity and instead focus on the "mainstream" badness. So you won't find "Pokemon Christmas Bash" or whatever the hell this is supposed to be:
The appropriate punishment for this would be to force this young, inexplicably shirtless gentleman to watch his performance while being beaten to within an inch of his life in order to create the proper negative reinforcement should he ever get the urge to try to rhyme "Bored of" and "Florida" again.
Anyway, on to the list. Cue the post-holiday depression ...
(Ed. Note: We'd love to be able to properly embed all of these songs onto the blog but unfortunately the shitty record companies don't consider The Project to be of the proper caliber for their embedding. Just know that where they don't play, it wasn't for our lack of trying.)
19. "Christmas Wrapping" - The Waitresses
White people suck. From this to Blondie to Gwen Stefani we seem to think white women can rap. We really do ruin everything. In addition to being a crappy rapper, the narrator is such a selfish asshole. Apparently she doesn't know that now matter how busy her early-80's life was (watching John Hughes movies and sewing shoulder pads into her jean jacket) Christmas isn't about you. It's about your family and friends and letting them see your stupid face and give you presents. Your mother misses you. Just show up. It's not that hard. Asshole.
(Oh, also, The Spice Girls did a version of this song. As with anything the Spice Girls ever did, or thought about doing, it was infinitely more horrible than if it had been done by your talentless co-worker with the bad breath. And then there's the Glee version, which might actually be worse. Believe in the impossible.)
18. "All I want for Christmas is You" – Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber
The original version was on the good list until some evildoer decision to blatantly violate Rule #3 and taint it forever with the glorified karaoke stylings of Justin Beiber. That alone makes us fear for the future of our society.
And then there's the highly uncomfortable video where the 40-year old Mariah (who apparently got her skinny body out of storage) literally acts like a prostitute (including shaking her ass) trying to pick up her 17-year old co-star. It's wrong. If that's not enough, they'll throw in a free bonus package of Bierber-y things (a $8.99 value) like: (1) wearing a weird red leather jacket; (2) being totally overwhelmed by Mariah's leaking cleavage; (3) doing what we assume is his patented "clappy dance"; (4) a heavy dose of "rap hands" in a song that by no means calls for said "rap hands"; and (5) inexplicably hand rubbing (is he cold? Is he excited about a good meal? What's happening there?).
Nothing about this seems to be aging well.
And then there's the highly uncomfortable video where the 40-year old Mariah (who apparently got her skinny body out of storage) literally acts like a prostitute (including shaking her ass) trying to pick up her 17-year old co-star. It's wrong. If that's not enough, they'll throw in a free bonus package of Bierber-y things (a $8.99 value) like: (1) wearing a weird red leather jacket; (2) being totally overwhelmed by Mariah's leaking cleavage; (3) doing what we assume is his patented "clappy dance"; (4) a heavy dose of "rap hands" in a song that by no means calls for said "rap hands"; and (5) inexplicably hand rubbing (is he cold? Is he excited about a good meal? What's happening there?).
Nothing about this seems to be aging well.
17. "Hey Santa!" – Carnie and Wendy Wilson
What's shittier that Wilson Phillips? Wilson without Phillips, apparently. The song is so trite that it barely registers in your consciousness while the video beats your down with an eternity of slapstick comedy, some guy who may or may not (but should) be Jim J. Bullock and ill-fitting hats on Carnie Wilson.
Fun Fact: Wilson Phillips still exists and they're still making Christmas albums. The world would be better if none of these things ever happened.
Fun Fact: Wilson Phillips still exists and they're still making Christmas albums. The world would be better if none of these things ever happened.
16. "A Marshmallow World" - Dean Martin
Any day we here this is decidedly NOT a whipped cream day. So bad that even Frank Sinatra can't save it.
15. "Run, Rudolph, Run" - Chuck Berry
14. "The 12 Days of Christmas" - It Doesn't Matter
The person who wrote this song is a sadist. Listening to it is like Chinese water torture. It takes at least 45 minutes from start to finish, is unbearably repetitive and requires you to remember if there are ten "Ladies Dancing", "Lords a Leaping" or "Ducks a Ducking." By the time the tedium ends, your left with a pile of strange living gifts and the startling realization that your true love is a probably a stalker.
13. "Mele Kalikimaka" - Bing Crosby
File this one under "1950's America Loves It When Brown People Talk Funny."
12. Tie - All Songs Sung by Precocious Children/Children With "Cute" Speech Impediments
Including, but not limited to:
I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas - Gayla Peevey
There's nothing funny about making a mockery of the Nile's most dangerous animal. You don't trifle with the River Horse. It will bite your fucking head off. Or it will just spray poop all over your house. If you're lucky.
"Nuttin for Christmas" - Art Mooney and his Orchestra (vocals by Barry Gordon)
This child isn't just a troublemaker. He's a psychopath. He broke a baseball bat on a boy's head, forced another to eat an insect, bought goods with counterfeit money assaulted his teacher and a female student, and the only thing he's worried about is how it will effect his haul on Christmas morning. There are at least 14 dead hookers who wished someone had paid attention in 1955 instead of just grouping these offenses with things like spilling ink or tearing his pants and chalking them up to "boys being boys."
Fun Fact: Barry Gordon coined the phrase "snitches get stitches" in 1964.
This child isn't just a troublemaker. He's a psychopath. He broke a baseball bat on a boy's head, forced another to eat an insect, bought goods with counterfeit money assaulted his teacher and a female student, and the only thing he's worried about is how it will effect his haul on Christmas morning. There are at least 14 dead hookers who wished someone had paid attention in 1955 instead of just grouping these offenses with things like spilling ink or tearing his pants and chalking them up to "boys being boys."
Fun Fact: Barry Gordon coined the phrase "snitches get stitches" in 1964.
11. "Jingle Bells" – Barking Dogs
Imagine being 20 years old and deciding to create the ultimate Christmas album. So you scour the Internet and your parents' CD collection, found all the best versions and meticulously organize them to provide the best possible listening experience. 50 songs and two CD's later, you have a Christmas opus on par with "Dark Side of the Moon." But, since you were 20, you thought making Track 2 of the first CD (right after Bing and Bowie) dogs barking jingle bells would create a hilarious transition. It didn't. It was just obnoxious. And its a huge blemish on an otherwise perfect collection of songs. Like seeing a pretty girl from across the room only to find out when you get close that she has a huge penis. This song is similarly obnoxious.
Dishonorable mention: Anyone covering this song, Other songs by Wham, Wham in general.
The imagery here is disturbing enough, a child walking in on his parents engaging in some late-night Santa-fetish thing, but having it sung by little Michael Jackson about his dad Joe adds an extra level of discomfort.
Fun Fact: The single for "I Saw Mommy" was released with two separate B-sides. The domestic version featured "I Saw Santa Whipping Jermaine and Tito" while the European market was treated to the classic "Santa Claus is Impregnating Women All Over Town."
Oh, and, RIP MJ.
If you promise to not go around hooking up with every guy in town in exchange for lavish gifts from "Santa" does that make you more or less of a whore?
The Madonna version is just as bad with her weird 50's New York woman impersonation. Clearly a prelude for her Academy Award-caliber role in "Dick Tracy."
10. Last Christmas - Wham
Don't be fooled by this cheap Christmas imitation. Replace the word "Christmas" with anything else - Tuesday, Arbor Day, Week at the Club - and the song loses absolutely none of its meaning. Also, don't be fooled by the video's implication that George Michael dates women.
Dishonorable mention: Anyone covering this song, Other songs by Wham, Wham in general.
9. Tie - Songs That Sexualize Santa
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" - The Jackson 5
Fun Fact: The single for "I Saw Mommy" was released with two separate B-sides. The domestic version featured "I Saw Santa Whipping Jermaine and Tito" while the European market was treated to the classic "Santa Claus is Impregnating Women All Over Town."
Oh, and, RIP MJ.
"Santa Baby" - Eartha Kitt
The Madonna version is just as bad with her weird 50's New York woman impersonation. Clearly a prelude for her Academy Award-caliber role in "Dick Tracy."
We can almost get past absurd lines like "a very, merry, cherry, cherry, holly-holy, rockin'-rolly Christmas." Almost. And we'd be more inclined to extend the benefit of the doubt if this was just some cute throw-away song buried on an album somewhere. But he named the damn album after it so we can't. So we're forced to despise this self-referential, own song name-dropping piece of garbage. We certainly don't consider ourselves a fan by any stretch but we count at least eight (Cherry Cherry, Song Sung Blue, I'm a Believer, Pretty Amazing Grace, Love on the Rocks, Red Red Wine, Holly Holy, Sweet Caroline) different references to his own songs. Have a wordy-wordy, rhymey-rhymey, shitty-crappy, fucky-youy, Cherry-Cherry Christmas, everyone!" Fuck you Neil Diamond.
7. "Wonderful Christmastime" - Paul McCartney
John Lennon wrote "Happy Xmas (War is Over)" and was shot dead in front of his apartment. Paul McCartney stole the music from the "Space Invaders" to write this piece of crap but lived long enough to marry a woman with a wooden leg and be called "Sir Paul." Life is funny sometimes.
Fun Fact: This video features cutting edge 1979 special effects that make it seem like people are actually enjoying hearing this song played live. The video speed was changed to mask the fact that McCartney was actually playing "Hey Jude."
Fun Fact: This video features cutting edge 1979 special effects that make it seem like people are actually enjoying hearing this song played live. The video speed was changed to mask the fact that McCartney was actually playing "Hey Jude."
6. "Happy Holiday/Holiday Season" - Andy Williams
Everything wrong with the 60's encompassed in a single song. Listen to it once and you want to die. Listen to it twice and you'll understand where Woodstock and Nirvana came from. Andy Williams, Mr. Big and RATT - agents of musical change.
Fun Fact: Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Steven Soderbergh have no plans to remake the "Andy Williams Christmas Specials."
Everything wrong with the 60's encompassed in a single song. Listen to it once and you want to die. Listen to it twice and you'll understand where Woodstock and Nirvana came from. Andy Williams, Mr. Big and RATT - agents of musical change.
Fun Fact: Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Steven Soderbergh have no plans to remake the "Andy Williams Christmas Specials."
5. "The Chipmunk Song" - The Chipmunks
Your memory might be that this is a cute, harmless little song. But it's not. Seriously, listen to it. Its the reason why we have poverty, war, famine and Chipwrecked.
4. "Little Drummer Boy" - Bob Seger and The Silver Bullet Band
There's only one word that can accurately describe this song - "Epic." Seger takes a boring Christmas carol and in an attempt to make it a rock odyssey infuses it with so much self-seriousness that it becomes a parody. The actual video is split between scenes from a "Little Drummer Boy" movie and Seger singing the shit out of it (AND THEN HE NODDED, PUR-RUM-PUH-PUH-PUM!!!!), but we always imagine it differently.
In our mind its a highly dramatic black and white concert video. The footage alternates between close-ups of Seger at full intensity with wider shots of the Silver Bullet Band just destroying in front of a full choir. The highlight? Super slow-mo cutaways to the guitarist and sax player when they play their mini-solos. They're sneering and playing like its their last riff on earth while sweat cascades off of them.
Like we said - EPIC!!
There's only one word that can accurately describe this song - "Epic." Seger takes a boring Christmas carol and in an attempt to make it a rock odyssey infuses it with so much self-seriousness that it becomes a parody. The actual video is split between scenes from a "Little Drummer Boy" movie and Seger singing the shit out of it (AND THEN HE NODDED, PUR-RUM-PUH-PUH-PUM!!!!), but we always imagine it differently.
In our mind its a highly dramatic black and white concert video. The footage alternates between close-ups of Seger at full intensity with wider shots of the Silver Bullet Band just destroying in front of a full choir. The highlight? Super slow-mo cutaways to the guitarist and sax player when they play their mini-solos. They're sneering and playing like its their last riff on earth while sweat cascades off of them.
Like we said - EPIC!!
3. "Grown-up Christmas List" - Amy Grant
Goody-two-shoes Amy Grant wants you to feel bad about wanting a Wii for Christmas. Instead she demands that you want world peace. That's totally unrealistic. Ending war is like a new shirt. You know it would probably be good to have and if someone gave it to you you'd certainly take it. But it's not really what you want.
Think about it, if you came down on Christmas morning and opened a box that was the perfect size for that Wii you'd asked for for years but when you opened it and, instead of finding a Wii, you find that you got world peace of Christmas, you'd be disappointed. (We imagine World Peace would come as some sort of certificate - "The Holder of This Certificate is Entitled to World Peace" - that you'd have to redeem somewhere. But the place you'd have to go would be totally out of the way. Like not on your way to or from work. Or even on the way to your mom's house. So you'd put it in the drawer and every few weeks, your wife would remind you "Hey, we really should use that World Peace certificate we got." And you'd agree but forget again. And then, when you finally got around to trying to redeem it, it wouldn't' work right the first time. So you'd get frustrated and forget about it again. And the second time, it would be expired. World Peace is such a chore.) Admit it, you totally would. It'd be nice that people wouldn't get killed like that anymore but that doesn't help you play video games standing up.
2. "Christmas Shoes" - Newsong
This incredibly literal, step-by-step retelling is less touching Christmas story than cautionary tale about being taken advantage of by grifters. We're supposed to believe this little kid just happened to tell his whole, weepy story to the cashier, didn't have enough money and then turned to the guy (quite presumptuously) and ask "what am I gonna do?", and then the guy buys him the shoes. They're all in on it man. You got taken. Those shoes aren't for his sick mom, that little gypsy is selling them at the flea market one town over. Sucker.
If you ever find yourself about to be a victim of this scam, suggest an alternative to the shoes. Like something on the clearance rack or a snack. Remind the little liar that it's highly doubtful jesus is going to care about your mom's footwear and that dying people love snacks. Be vigilant my friends.
Fun Fact: Judging by the medicines next to her bed in the video, momma appears to have a rather nasty sinus infection.
1. "Do They Know It’s Christmas" - Band Aid
At least Christmas Shoes isn't ignorant and potentially racist. We'll stick by the 5 million words we wrote about this one last year. Anything that can generate that much reaction is very deserving of the title of The Worst Christmas Song of All Time.
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