The Persnickety Project's Holiday Gift Giving Guide 2011

It's the post you've been waiting for all year.  With only six shopping days until Christmas, we're back with The Persnickety Project's Holiday Gift Giving Guide.  Just like last year (Part 1 and Part Deuce), we've scoured the various suggestions the Internet has to offer and brought you the best ideas for that special someone on your list.  This year in addition to our usual hate-filled rants against wealth, we've broken things down by recipient.  So sit back and enjoy this holiday tradition, goddammit.

Idle Money

Three-Tier Cast-Aluminum Desk Caddy ($130)

For just $130,  give someone
the joy of throwing this away.

If you know someone who walks into their office on a Monday morning, stares down a pile of work no normal human being could ever complete with an acceptable level of competency and thinks to himself - Myself, if only I had a better way to store the $0.37 worth of staples, paper clips and push pins that occupy my desk on a daily basis, I'd really be able to get all this done - then you're in luck.  Eliminate all their excuses for poor work performance with the Three-Tiered Aluminum Desk Caddy.

Kazak Horse Sculpture ($495)

It's hard to imagine the scenario that would lead a person to conclude that spending almost five bills to buy this abomination for someone they care about buy presents for.  What's not hard to imagine is the reaction it would receive.  

Person with Taste:  So, how is your Christmas shopping going?

Person Who Buys This Thing:  Oh just great.  Let me show you what I bought for Carter.

(Goes to closet and takes out horse)

PWT:  Wow, it's sooo ... yellow.  I didn't know your husband was a Bronco fan.

PWBTT:  He's not.  And it's amber.

PWT:  Sure, amber, whatever you say.  Did he used to work for Mobil gas?

PWBTT:  No, why would you ask?

PWT:  Never mind.  What is it exactly?

PWBTT:  It's a "Kazak horse."  From Kazakgahanistan or something.  Sounds middle eastern.

PWT:  I think you mean Kazakhstan.  It's in Eastern Europe.

PWBTT:  If you say so.

PWT:  Sixth largest country in the world?  Part of the old USSR?  Any of that ring a bell?

PWBTT:  Nope.  Geometry isn't my strong suit.

PWT:  Seems like life isn't your strong suit.  Is there some meaning to it, is your family from there?

PWBTT:  Oh god no, we're not terrorists.  I bought it because it's super expensive and from Neiman Marcus.  That's all I need to know.

PWT:  But it's really ugly.

PWBTT:  It's called status.

PWT:  Don't ever speak to me again.

PWBTT:  Oh, don't be that way.  At least let me show you the ice bucket I got him.  It was also overpriced.  And the handles are horse heads.  That's my theme this year!!

Ice Bucket with Horse Handles ($325)

It's in a horse.

PWT:  Die.

Del Ben Champagne Sabre ($622.40)

And chilling it in your brand new horse head bucket, opening your champagne will be a breeze with this beautiful saber.  It's handcrafted in Bulgaria with a blade forged from ore mined illegally within the world's largest wild life reserves and a handle made from rhinoceros ivory.  Also perfect for terrorizing your maid whilst doing your best "Celebrity Jeopardy" Sean Connery impression.  SABER!!

(Not shown:  Panda Hide Sheath) 

"Keeper of the Flock" Snowman Figure ($139)

This rustic little undead, junkie snowman figure with wings, a halo and track marks up and down the inside of his arms look ready to lead an army of snow zombies to kill you and your family.  Available for only $138 and your soul.

Crown Finial Tree Topper ($325)

If you can afford three-hundred plus for a tree topper then why shouldn't it be a fucking crown?  You might as well go all in.  After the holidays, wear it around town (with your saber) and remind everyone who the ruling class really is.

Cashmere Throw ($1,000)

The perfect present for those times when you get tired of burning money to keep warm.

Glass Tic-Tac-Toe ($485)

Only the dirty 99%-ers use paper and pen anymore.  The true 1% plays the world's simplest game with the world's most overpriced glass st.  #occupyabsurdity.

2011 Saks Fifth Avenue Ornament ($75)

Joy to the world, commercialism reigns!!  Decorate your $35 Home Depot tree with an ornament that costs twice as much and pays tribute to a place you can't afford to shop.

For the Person Who Brought You Into This World


Curious George Charm Bracelet Link ($0.89)

Curious George Ruins Christmas

We have Amazon to thank for this brilliant idea.  Nothing says "Hey Mom, Thanks for nothing!" quite like an $0.89 bracelet link with a middling children's storybook character on it.  You'd probably be better off buying a copy of "Star" and a box of Good and Plenty at the gas station on your way to Christmas dinner or just forgetting completely than paying for shipping on this piece of garbage.  Even The Man with the Yellow Hat would kick you in the balls if he got this as part of an office grab bag at the Bureau of 1940's Caricatures.

The Guy Who Impregnated Her


Tim Tebow, "Through My Eyes" ($15.73)

In case Dad hasn't gotten enough of a fix of Tebowmania on Tebowcenter, or Tebow Live or Tebow Nation or Around the Tebow or Tebow the Interruption or TebowNews or E:Tebow on ESPTebow, he can get a whole different Tebowspective uniquely THROUGH HIS EYES.

If Dad is all Tebowed out, maybe a Sport's Illustrated for Kids Football Book or The Daring Book for Girls are more his speed.

Cold Steel Machete ($18.93)

The gift wins the award from "Most Likely to be Used as Part of a Gruesome Murder Suicide."  For only $19 it's a steal, a Cold Steel.

Paris Hilton for Men (Cheap)

Smell the Vapidity - Paris Hilton for Men

Child:  Merry Christmas Daddy!!


Dad:  Oh, honey.  Cologne.  Thank you so much.  I love it.  But why did you pick Paris Hilton?

Child:  Mommy told me too.

Dad:  Mommy told you too?

Child:  Yes!  She said you liked to come home smelling like a whore but now you wouldn't have to risk your family to do so.

Pillowtie (The Price has no bearing in its stupidity)

This is the most fucking ridiculous thing we've ever seen.  The picture speaks for itself.  These seem like they'd be exceedingly popular at places like Enterprise and the Verizon Store.

Indoor Turkey Fryer ($99)

Frying turkeys in the comfort of your own kitchen, can't think of a singe reason why that wouldn't be a good idea ...



Oh yeah.  Daddy gets this and Mommy gets a new kitchen for her birthday.

For People Who Don't Need the Crap You'll Buy Them


Beanbag Chair ($132.38)

Yeah, that shit is denim all right.  Package it with an REO Speedwagon or Flock of Seagulls box set and that 80's loving friend of yours will be totally amped.  Everyone else will think it completely sucks.

Pay no mind to the fact that it has room for two.  We're relatively confident that anyone who might receive this gift has much human contact.

Ham Holder with Instructional DVD ($109.38)

The perfect gift for the person who has everything except world class ham cutting skills and a hobby, or self respect, or better friends than you.  Don't forget the instructional video.



These are life skills people!!

Semi-Automatic Espresso Machine ($1,199.95)

If that socialist, bastard Obama respected your second amendment rights, it would be automatic.

Giant Microbes Sperm Cell Plush Toy ($10.96)

Have a little wiggle room in your budget?
Pick up a stuffed sperm.

Ew.

WARNING:  Do not buy this for a co-worker.  It's a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.

Lava Lamp ($74.99)

Please don't buy this.

This is what happens when your Christmas budget disproportionate with the relationship.  Since you don't know anything about the person, you search desperately for "$75 gifts", stare at the page for fifteen minutes until you remember vaguely enjoying your lava lamp during your grunge period and eventually talk yourself into it and, instead of just getting a gift card they'd be guaranteed to like (because getting it predictably right is boring) you spend too much on this.  But they don't like it.  They hate it but like you just enough to pretend.  The best they get out of it is selling it for $10 on Criagslist or not having to shop when it's re-gifted to someone in a different circle of friends.  More likely it gets thrown out.  And when it does, you just hope they forget who gave it to you when it inevitably breaks in their garbage can.

Cardboard Radio ($35)

It's a radio! Made of cardboard!!  How ... nondurable.  Still, it's just perfect for your crunchy friends.  Just tell them you made it.  Or got it from the goodwill.  They'll look forward to recycling it after the first good drizzle.

Bronze Age Flatware ($36)

We always assumed the human race's advancement in tools wouldn't be something people would want to reverse.  Apparently not.  You might want to include some sort of burn lotion for the first time somebody tries to eat soup with one of those flat ass spoons. Next year's hot holiday flatware gift?  Animal bones.

What's Your Poo Telling You ($10.95)

The perfect gift for when you want to say "Hey, you look like someone with nothing better to do than study your shit and I'm not preoccupied enough with social norms to feel weird about giving it to you."

For Your Shitty Co-Workers at Your Even Shittier Job


Page a Day Cat Calendar ($10.87)

You:  Hey, I know nothing about you and really don't care enough to get to know you well enough to buy you something you'd actually enjoy.  But I do remember, like four or five years ago, hearing you talk about  having a cat, I think.  So I thought you would absolutely love to look at the January 17th cat until August when you realize you're behind and rip off 8 months worth at one time.  Merry Christmas!!

Them:  I think the conversation you're remembering is the time I told you that I was ailurophobic.  Which means I have a persistent irrational fear of cats.  Also, I'm Jewish.

You:  Enjoy!!

For Soon to be Ex Family Friends

Creepy Baby Cake  Decorating Mold ($19.99)

WTF???

Buy this and decorate all your cakes with little 2 inch, naked babies.  And then wait nervously for the police to break down your door.  Creepy not cute.

Remember, it's Always About the Children


Play-doh Dr. Drill and Fill ($24.61)

Consider this a test of character.  Buy it for your kid and hope he doesn't play with it.  If he really enjoys pulling teeth, get him therapy because he's well on his way to either joining the country's most suicide-ridden profession or becoming a serial killer.  Either way, somebody dies.  Our mouth hurts just thinking about this one.

Everyone Poops ($7.95)

Everyone also thinks this present sucks.  And that the kid on the cover is either constipated or bracing himself to be shit on by a horse.

(You could get "It Hurts When I Poop" as an alternatively crappy choice with an even creepier looking cover.  What exactly is that green and purple thing doing to that poor child?  Note:  This book is also appropriate for Grandpa.)

Gucci Children's Outfit (More than you should ever spend on an outfit only temporarily not covered in cake, dirt and/or poop)

Quilted Jacket: $595
Laurel Crest Tee: $165
Corduroy Pants: $195
Wool Hat: $155
Suede Shoes: $210

Ensuring that your child will grow up to be an insufferable douchebag ... Priceless.


For The Old People in Your Life


Grandpa


Justin Bieber - Never Say Never ($9.99)

Dear Grandpa:

I'm really itching to get a cut of my inheritance so I thought I'd give you this DVD and remind you of the freedoms your generation fought for.

Merry Christmas you old bastard.

Deluxe Wireless Weather Center ($42.99)

Germans love David Hasselhoff.  Old people love the weather.

Grandma

Brome Squirrel Buster Bird Feeder ($31.49)

Help your grandmother pass the time on her slow slide towards death with this backyard bird feeder.  Designed not only to bust squirrels but also her will to live.

The Love of Your Life


For Your Wife


Fire Extinguisher ($23.90)

Even if you're lucky enough to never have to put out a real fire, this gift will surely extinguish the flame of your romance.

For Your Hubby

Disney Princess Basket ($8.01)

Is your man into biking?  Does he wear excessively tight shorts and yellow jersey and pretend he's a two balled Lance Armstrong?  Well, make sure he keeps riding alone with this lovely accessory.  The other riders will see him coming ... and go the other way.