In an effort to help deal with our obsession, we've decided to just get it over with and rank the best and worst Christmas songs of all time. Totally subjectively, of course.
(Since we're found by random people less often than the the island on Lost, we thought about trying a generic "Best Christmas Songs of All Time" post title. But then we decided we'd rather be found on our merits rather than SEO trickery.)
First, our Three Rules for Christmas Music.
1. Sentiment over Cynicism. 99% of of life is about anger and cynicism. The 1% is Christmas music.
2. Reality Need Not Apply. The real Christmas is about working, shopping and paying bills. It's always been that way and it always will. Christmas music, however, is all about happiness, joy and pleasantly cold weather. At its best, Christmas music makes us feel reminiscent about things we've never known and probably don't exist. It's not about reality, it's about what we wish Christmas was.
3. Classic > Modern. Generally. Their respective definitions likely depend on your age and your frame of reference which makes this rule a bit more permissive. Still, one hard and fast rule applies - There Can Be No Justin Beiber.
On to the best of the best.
(In reverse order for maximum suspense.)
24. Tie
"Sleigh Ride" – Johnny Mathis
"Winter Wonderland" - Various Artists
Neither is even expressly about Christmas but they both epitomize Rule #2. In real life we'd be suffering from seasonal depression, shoveling snow, bitching the cold and discussing how the sleigh ride experience is better on T.V. in the comfort of our own home.
(Please listen to the "male" verse of The Carpenters version of Sleigh Ride to be reminded why the 70's was a lost decade. Warning: Contains 70's Special Effects.)
23. "Oh Holy Night" – Luciano Pavarotti
While many are fighting to keep the Christ in Christmas, we're doing our best to keep him away from our presents. So, it's a tribute to the magic of Christmas that we can enjoy such an overtly religious song. In something this atmospheric (listening is like being at the opera only without all the boring) the words don't really matter and since the second half of the song is in Italian we can just make up our own words and pretend its about something else entirely. Bonus points for fulfilling Rule #2.
(If you're feeling romanced by foreign languages, trying listening to the German version "O Tannenbaum" by Nat King Cole. You will feel romanced no more. Du kannst mir sehr befallen!)
22. "I’ll Be Home for Christmas" - Bing Crosby
Bing Crosby might be one of the most successful American actors and singers in history (seriously, check out his bio) but thanks to songs like this, his legacy to us is the embodiment of the genre (as well as stellar parenting). Ol' Bing crooning about making it home for a snowy Christmas eve complete with mistletoe and presents on the tree (we prefer our presents too large to actually fit on the tree but whatever). Triple check.
21. "A Holly Jolly Christmas" - Burl Ives
This song is from the immortal "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer" special that deserves its own lengthy blog post to determine whether it was intended to teach tolerance or bigotry - Santa is a dick - and sung by a man who bears a striking resemblance to a snowman.
It might rank higher if not for the line "have a cup of cheer" which almost ruins the song for us. In a related note, we pay way too much attention to stupid things.
20. "Please Come Home for Christmas" - Jon Bon Jovi
A Rule 3 exception. Picking the Bon Jovi version over the original Charles Brown version is conditionally acceptable because it presents a perfect early 90's slice of life.
19. "Christmas Time is Here" - Vince Guaraldi Trio (If the trio is named after one guy is it really a trio? Aren't Guys 2 and 3 pretty irrelevant.)
A beautifully depressingly happy song from the "Charlie Brown Christmas Special." Just like life.
That was deep.
18. Tie.
"Jingle Bell Rock" - Bobby Helms
"Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" - Brenda Lee
17. "Santa Clause is Coming to Town" - Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
Never fails to remind us of a time when life was about good and bad, vast amounts of presents and an immortal man in a red suit stalking your dreams. It brings a tear to our eye just thinking about it. This versions modernity is up for interpretation but the way it highlights Springsteen's story-telling prowess and the danger of ad-libbing in front of a microphone is classic.
When we listen we try to imagine what type of chaos is happening on the stage during this performance. As we see it, the song ends with Santa coming down from the rafters in a sleigh.
They didn't have that type of technology in 1978, apparently.
(Do you want to break it to these people that their lights are not, in fact, synchronized with the music? Or should we?)
14. "Christmas Canon" - Trans-Siberian Orchestra
We don't know if we're supposed to be wearing a graduation cap or a Santa hat about midway through but we we love it anyway. Kids singing = heart-strings tugged.
(Thank the record company for disabling embedding so you get the light show instead of the actual video which is slightly mind-boggling. Kids on a stage in various types of pajamas with an orchestra in front of only two people? Care to play "Guess the Relationship" of the interracial, cross-generational couple? We're going with the kid in the bathrobe's grandfather and guidance counselor. And yes, they're totally doing it. She likes his old-man smell.)
1. “Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy" - Bing Crosby and David Bowie
When we listen we try to imagine what type of chaos is happening on the stage during this performance. As we see it, the song ends with Santa coming down from the rafters in a sleigh.
They didn't have that type of technology in 1978, apparently.
16. "Blue Christmas" – Elvis Presley
This sounds so much like you think an Elvis Presley song should sound that it almost comes off as a bad impersonation. Still, there's nothing like singing "Blue-Blue-Blue-Blue Christmas" and "You'lllllll be doooooinnn alriiiiight" alone in the car.
(Do you want to break it to these people that their lights are not, in fact, synchronized with the music? Or should we?)
15. All I Want for Christmas is You – Vince Vance and the Valiants (or as your mother would probably say "Vince Valiant")
We only came across this song last year and it instantly became one of our favorites. Way way cooler and more interesting that Mariah Carey screeching her way through a different song with the same name. Loses points because the band is apparently also well known for a song called "Bomb Iran."
We don't know if we're supposed to be wearing a graduation cap or a Santa hat about midway through but we we love it anyway. Kids singing = heart-strings tugged.
(Thank the record company for disabling embedding so you get the light show instead of the actual video which is slightly mind-boggling. Kids on a stage in various types of pajamas with an orchestra in front of only two people? Care to play "Guess the Relationship" of the interracial, cross-generational couple? We're going with the kid in the bathrobe's grandfather and guidance counselor. And yes, they're totally doing it. She likes his old-man smell.)
13. "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)" - U2
TONIGHT THANK GOD IT'S THEM INSTEAD OF YOU!!!!! Ooops, wrong song. This one is much better though. Enjoy the pre-sunglasses, Bono hat era. If this video is any proof, it appears Bono started with the sunglasses thing because he couldn't bear to have anyone look him in the eye while he attempted to dance.
12. "Let It Snow" - Dean Martin
The math on this one is easy - Sleigh Ride/Winter Wonderland + Only half-drunk Dean Martin - "Baby It's Cold Outside"'s Date-Rapiness = the 12th best Christmas song of all time.
3. "Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24” - Trans-Siberian Orchestra
This song is fucking fantastic. And we don't even like classical music. It's impossible not to play Christmas air guitar and air piano, air violin, and, if you get really rambunctious, sing the music (not the words, the music). If you don't like it you're a communist.
11. "Silver Bells" - Bing Crosby
We have an unhealthy affection for this song. Love the call and answer. Love the corny imagery. Love the idea of the city all light up and decorated for Christmas. Totally artificial but gets us every damn time.
10. “Merry Christmas Baby” - Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
Bruce's second entry is our favorite one. The Boss has something to say (SAY IT PLEASE!!!!!) and when he finally spills the beans, you hear the sound of 40,000 people completely and utterly convinced that New Jersey is the heartland and tight jeans with hand chiefs were the shit.
9. "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" - Gene Autry
Yeah, it's Rudolph. What else is there to say? How bout this, until the 1980's, it was the second best selling record in history and the definitive version almost wasn't recorded because Autry considered it too juvenile.
8. "All Alone on Christmas" - Darlene Love
This song, which features Darlene Love - one of Phil Spector's old singers - with both the E Street Band and La Bamba from Conan as well as Macaulay Culkin at the height of his powers (and potentially Rob Schneider depending on where you fall on 'The Hot Chick."). Totally underrated.
7. "Happy Xmas (War is Over)" - John Lennon
This is more of a war protest song but, in a tribute to human stupidity, it's become a Christmas classic. The more we hear it, the less we're sure we like it, but our Dad's Lennon-obsession it earns a place in the Top 7.
(We picked the version with Spanish subtitles to spice things up a bit. Enjoy people getting blowed up. Happy Christmas, war is apparently not over.)
Sources say that Wikipedia reports that according to BMI it’s the most performed Christmas song of all time. No top 5 can be complete without this one.
(We picked the version with Spanish subtitles to spice things up a bit. Enjoy people getting blowed up. Happy Christmas, war is apparently not over.)
6. "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" - Judy Garland
It always gets a little dusty in the Persnickety Prius during "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." Shit, it even got dusty when we watched Kermit and Bob (we're tight) DeNiro do it on SNL. We're a big mush.
5. “The Christmas Song” - Nat King Cole
It's not called "The Christmas Song" for nothing. This classic makes you want to put aside your nut allergy and better judgment and start a rip-roaring fire in the middle of the living room to play along even tough you don't have a fireplace.
4. “Fairytale of New York” - The Pogues featuring Kristy MacColl.
If your from England you probably think this is the best Christmas song ever. If you're Irish it feels like your life story even if you don't drink and have never been to New York. If you've never heard it before, we implore you to listen. If you recognize it from the movie “P.S. I Love You”, you don't deserve a Christmas.
(Check out the flute player (flutist?) in the video. Does he get a full share of royalties for being that nonchalant?)
(Check out the flute player (flutist?) in the video. Does he get a full share of royalties for being that nonchalant?)
Fun Fact: Christy MacColl was run over by a boat owned by a Mexican dignitary and killed. True story.
3. "Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24” - Trans-Siberian Orchestra
This song is fucking fantastic. And we don't even like classical music. It's impossible not to play Christmas air guitar and air piano, air violin, and, if you get really rambunctious, sing the music (not the words, the music). If you don't like it you're a communist.
2. “White Christmas” - Bing Crosby
By any reasonable measure this is #1 and it inspired our three rules. What more do you need to know about the perfection of this song (or the human condition for that matter) than the fact that it had to be rerecorded (with the same back-up musicians to try to reproduce the original) because the master copy had become damaged from overuse. People loved it so much we almost killed it.
The Drifters version is also quite awesome in its own right.
1. “Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy" - Bing Crosby and David Bowie
We're not the first to this party and we won't be the last. The incredibly awkward intro with Bowie big-timing Bing and the whole thing is just dripping with contempt (the type that comes only when Mr, Old School meets Ziggy Stardust) is the hook. But the song itself is still pure gold. There's no other way to say it - It's a pretty thing.
The Greatest Christmas Song of All Time.
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