It's Christmas time, the most wonderful time of the year. Seriously, we're not even being sarcastic right now. We REALLY do love Christmas. It's the one time of the year where we put aside all or cynicism and just enjoy life without hating anyone or anything. Well ... mostly, at least.
One of the things we love most is Christmas music. Sure, if you think about it rationally, its mostly corny, sappy and generally uninteresting crap but that doesn't stop us from putting on whatever station is playing 100% Christmas music bust out a few line of "Holly Jolly Christmas" from Black Friday until New Years(that Burl Ives just stirs something deeply emotional in us. It's all about FEELINGS). While most people think it's all about toys and Santa and other kids stuff, the genre really does tackle some adult issues. Don't believe us? Well we put together an incredibly thorough and well-researched list to prove our point. Check out some of the serious themes we uncovered:
1. Date Rape: "Baby It's Cold Outside". This song is essentially a lyrical date rape. Sure, it's got a cute little byplay between a a guy and girl that sounds innocent but it could just as easily be the opening scene of a very special Lifetime movie starring Melissa Joan Hart.
Female: I really should go ...
Male: But baby it's cold outside ...
Female: "Say, what's in this drink ...
Male: Don't worry, you won't remember a thing ...
Female: I've got to say no, no, no....
Male: But baby my balls are blue.....
Female: I really should go
Male: You're not going anywhere ...
2. Organized Crime: "We Wish You a Merry Christmas". Again, sounds innocent but it's really about scourge of organized crime and its effect on holiday traditions. Those "carolers"are clearly wiseguys, pretending to be friendly but demanding their "figgy pudding" (code for annual protection payments). And they want that shit RIGHT NOW(it's already late and they don't want no more excuses).
3. Adultery: "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus". The Jackson 5 did a nice rendition of this one, though we doubt Joe would have "laughed" if he saw Mrs. Jackson kicking it with a fat, bearded dude. Please don't tell your dad, Michael. You love your mommy don't you?
4. Murder: "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer." We can all agree that Grandpa killed the old bag, right?
5. The Effects of Alcohol: Anything by Dean Martin. Particularly "Marshmallow World." We're not even talking about the lyrical content, just his singing. No way old Dino isn't on his 15th scotch of the day on that track.
6. Child Abuse:"The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)". Alvin better get his act together or he's going to have that hula hoop wrapped around his little fury neck. Little known fact, DYFUS was called into the Seville house three weeks after this song was released. They claimed jurisdiction was better suited for the ASPCA and did nothing. Two years later, Simon and Theodore were found buried out back with several other "pets". Alvin has still not been located though he is presumed dead.
7. Segregation: "White Christmas". You didn't think that was about snow did you?
Ok, so maybe we got that last one wrong (it's about cocaine). But you get the point - Christmas music has all the drama of CSI with only half the terrible overacting.
So continuing with the theme of tackling real issues in holiday music, we come to the classic "Do They Know It's Christmas" by Band Aid, the Worst Christmas Song of All Time (that in no way implies we don't sing the shit out if it when it comes on).
For a little background, the song was written and recorded in 1984 to try to raise money for famine relief in Africa (while it was technically for Ethiopia, it always seemed like they were singing to the whole continent to us.) And it worked, it was the highest selling single of all time in the UK when it came out. Of course, it's also stunningly ignorant, even for something put together in the 80's by a bunch of coked-out British musicians, with probably the most simplistic view of a foreign country since "Outsourced."
It's no wonder how it was so popular though. Sure they had big stars with made up names like Bono, Sting and Boy George and people like the great Phil Collins, George Michael and Duran Duran but the real power comes from the inclusion of music royalty as Spandau Ballet (it's true!!), Big Country and The Boomtown Rats as well as Kool and the Gang and Jody Whatley (see if you can spot them in the video. Hint: They're the only Americans) There was no sign of Dan Akroyd, however.
On a side note, the best Christmas song ever is easily "Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy" by David Bowie and Bing Crosby (over Crosby's "White Christmas" and The Transiberian Orchestra's "Christmas Eve (Sarajevo 12/24)"). The best part, of course, is the awkward conversation between Bowie and Crosby. Bowie shows up and pretends not to know who Bing Crosby is ("Are you the new butler? You're not the poor relation from America? You're the one who sings, right? Even after Bing introduces himself Bowie pretends not to know who it is and has the balls to say he sings "White Christmas." Bing should have treated him like he did his kids. "I'm Bing Fucking Crosby you limey prick.") and then they just happen to be able to flawlessly sing a song that is comprised of two separate sets of lyrics to be sung in harmony. It really is a pretty thing.
(Editor's Note: We wrote this before Will Farrell and John C. Reilly did this.)
Back to Band Aid. We really encourage you to check out the awesome video. It starts out with an epic slow motion montage and even features video or a future juvenile offender of some sort when somebody actually brought their kid to the studio.
The song starts with some ringing bells (the clanging chimes of doom, perhaps?) and then the fun begins. For the sake of argument, we'll even ignore the fact that they're talking to a continent that is at least half Muslim so a major part of their audience doesn't give two shits if its Christmas or not (kind of like us writing this blog post) and just focus on the other stuff.
It's Christmas time, there's no need to be afraid
At Christmas time, we let in light and we banish shade
Sung by the immortal Paul Young (Who? Exactly.) this is as nice a sentiment as you'll find to start any Christmas song. (Apparently the intro was written for David Bowie but he couldn't make it. Somehow Paul Young was available. Pretty big tumble from Ziggy Stardust to the guy from Kat Kool and The Kool Kats.)
And in our world of plenty, we can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world, at Christmas time
To this point we're still in the tracks as Boy George (who apparently hated George Michael and thought he was campy) makes his first appearance. Don't be fooled though, we're simply on the initial climb of a roller coaster of ignorance. Think of it as "The Great English Dumb Machine." (if you listen carefully, you can hear the click, click, click of the track as we ascend).
But say a prayer
Pray for the other ones
Did George Michael really just call people from Africa the "other ones"? Guess "those people" didn't rhyme. And here we go, we've reached the top and this thing is about to come crashing down.
At Christmas time it's hard, but when you're having fun
(Puts hands up) Weeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's a world outside your window, and it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that ring there, are the clanging chimes of doom
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's Christmas ..... by SLAYER!!!!!
That's right Africans, these rich, out of touch assholes really do think that think that your entire life is made up only of dreading and fearing and whatnot. It must be soo awful not to be able to eat shitty food and be deprived of cultural touchstones like Culture Club and Wham.
We know it was the 80's but it wasn't the 1780's. There were definitely needy people (and still are) but they make it sound like some post-apocalyptic wasteland. Forget about the fact that the continent is home to two of the world's biggest rivers, the only water they can imagine in this awful world is tears!! Luckily for those of use fortunate enough not to live in this hell, the clanging chimes of doom have drown out your crying so we can watch the news.
WELL, TONIGHT, THANK GOD IT'S THEM INSTEAD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck Yeah!!! This is quite possibly the most sincerely sung (by the always earnest and self-important Bono) yet completely ridiculous line ever recorded. It is the pinnacle of awfulness. It's so bad it makes us wonder whether Bono actually read the line or if he just walked in, grabbed the paper and belted it out. (maybe he couldn't read it through those damn sunglasses he wears everywhere).
Either way, it's our favorite line to sing. Hey everybody, let's take a moment to be grateful that we're not those poor sad Africans with their rivers of tears and chimes of doom. How's that for a call to action. What the hell are these idiots thinking.
And there won't be snow in Africa, this Christmas time
Except for the parts where is snows, of course. Other places unlikely to see know this Christmas: The Cayman Islands, Miami, Southern California, Hawaii, Tahiti and Fiji. Pray for those people too.
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
That's right, you don't live in a mansion, you're damn lucky just to be alive.
Where nothing ever grows
No rain nor rivers flow
Again with the rivers!! Take a geography class you morons. Maybe they'll teach you that just because they don't live within the sphere of influence of New Wave it doesn't mean they subsist on dirt cookies moistened by their tears.
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
Since Christmas is a global behemoth of secular enjoyment, our guess is probably yes, they at least have an inkling that something is going on. Plus, you wrote this ridiculous song that gets played only at that time of year, so that might also serve as a clue.
Here's to you
Raise a glass for everyone
Here's to them
Underneath that burning sun
Here's a toast to you, people dying under a burning sun. Hope you brought your sunscreen.
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
More importantly, if they live in this hellish place you are describing, do they really even give a shit that it's Christmas?
Merry Christmas Everybody!!! (To our non-Christmas celebrating friends, enjoy your Chinese food and let us know whether you preferred "True Grit" or "The Fighter"). Thanks for reading.
No comments:
Post a Comment