College Football - The Ridiculousness of TCU Joining the Big East

Fear The Frog or just the travel?

Sooooo....TCU to the Big East? 

If you turn your head and squint your eyes a little it looks like a great move.  A BCS conference that already extends from Storrs to Tampa adds the only hot, available program that has just completed back-to-back undefeated regular seasons and has two national championships in its history (1930's era, but still) to help boost its struggling football presence.  Maybe TCU is small (only 9,000 students) but even that fits the weird amalgamation of large state institutions that play football (USF, Pitt, Rutgers, Cincy, WVU) and smaller private schools who focus on basketball (Georgetown, Nova, Seton Hall) that make up the Big East.  Add in the bad-ass purple Horned-Frog mascot that helps balance out the absurdity of the Syracuse Fruits and you're golden. So what's the problem?

Well, for one, TCU IS IN FUCKING TEXAS!!  The one that's 1,600 miles from New York City with the flag, the Bushes and the ambitions of succession.  Yeah, that Texas.  The fact that both the conference and the school were willing to extend themselves to such absurd lengths proves one thing - it's all about football and, in turn, the almighty dollar.

Unfortunately, TCU wouldn't come without being added for all sports so for 99% of the people impacted this is an absolute disaster.  We're not going to crap on the academic reputations of the Big East football programs but football teams get special considerations; their games and travel take priority over classes and other academic pursuits.  For most of the other sports, the athletes actually have to go to regular classes because, according to the NCAA commercials, they're going pro in something else other than sports.  How exactly are the Big East men's water polo or women's volleyball teams going to deal with adding a random trip to Texas to their packed schedules?  Sure, they already travel to Tampa but now your just adding an additional unnecessary trip.

Think that's bad?  Every single one of TCU's teams, from field hockey to fencing, now have to travel to the east coast for all of their games.   Even a bigger "money" sport like basketball gains nothing from the deal, adding a tradition less school to an already packed league - now with 17 teams.  Makes no sense. 

But, as we said, football is king and for that reason the league powers are willing to overlook all those other issues if it can enhance the theoretical income that football brings to the schools (check out this story if you want SI's take on who actually gets paid from these arrangements, hint, it's not the schools).  After an off-season that saw the conferences very existence threatened by Big Ten making overtures, a movement by smaller conferences to gain "automatic qualifier" status in the BCS, and an awful on-field performance by all its teams (odds are they're very sheepishly send UCONN to Orange Bowl to get slaughtered), the Big East was desperate to protect both its automatic BCS bid as well as any chance it might have at becoming a big time football power conference.  Accordingly, adding a school well beyond its geographical borders started to become a logical choice and TCU - after being left cold by the moves of the Pac 10 and Big 10 to consolidate power out west - became the perfect partner in desperation.  Sure, they could have added a school like UCF or Memphis (which already plays basketball in the conference) but that wouldn't have gotten them anywhere closer to where they want to be.  Similarly, TCU could have stayed in the Mountain West with Boise State joining (with Utah and BYU leaving) but they wouldn't have gotten anywhere alternating years with Boise for the title of "Non-BCS Team That People Talk About But Never Plays For A National Championship" while passing up their shot at joining a big conference.  No matter how awkward the marriage, the Big East needs TCU and TCU needs the Big East. 

Still, let's not be mistaken, football-wise it helps the conference.  Adding TCU solidifies the conference's BCS ties, gives them another marquee-for-them program, adds some sizzle and, along with the potential addition of Villanova football, brings the league up to a more substantial 10 teams.  Additionally, the Big East will now have a conference presence in 4 of the biggest high school recruiting grounds (Florida, Texas, Pennsylvania and New Jersey) as they seek to close the talent gap with the SEC.  Finally, while TCU isn't Texas, or even Texas A&M, it can't hurt to have a team in the Dallas TV market.

As for TCU its a no-brainer to get themselves into a major conference before their momentum wears off.  It remains to be seen, however, whether they can keep their cache when they're playing BCS-level opponents on the weekly basis and not going undefeated.  Will a 2 or 3 loss TCU team that plays most of its games on the east coast continue be able to recruit against the big boys at home and at the same time extend its reach across the country?  In fairness, they did a ton of work to get to this point but we'll see.  Momentum is a tricky thing. 

So, by adding TCU the Big East has gone all-in on football at the expense of everything else and they're only guarantee comes in the form of frequent flyer miles.  It could be good or could fail spectacularly but at least it will be interesting.

Real Baseball - Free Agency - Tigers Strike First

And we're off.  Last week, the Tigers finalized a 4 year, $50 million deal for Victor Martinez.  On its face both the years and the money seem eminently reasonable.  The wisdom of the contract, however, depends almost entirely on where he's going to play.

A catcher who gives you, in an average season, .300, 21 hrs, 100 rbi, .370 on-base and .840 OPS, is an exceptional value at $12.5m per year.  The switch-hitting V-Mart is second only to a healthy Joe Mauer in terms of ability to hit for average and power (last season he was the only catcher to hit better than .300/20 home runes) and he absolutely kills lefties.  But as a split DH/1B, not so much. And when your best player, MVP runner-up Miguel Cabrera, already occupies first, the value is even more dubious.

From what we've read, it appears that the Tigers intend to split Martinez primarily between DH and catcher.  Apparently, his big numbers aren't enough to convince the Tigers to overlook his defensive deficiencies.  Instead, Alex Avila, who hit .230 last season but has decent power for the position, will remain the #1 catcher and Martinez will catch 2-3 times a week.  So, while they won't get the most value from the contract, Martinez is a good enough hitter that he'll most definitely improve the line-up overall and give Cabrera some additional protection.  Still, given their usage plan and his age (32) we still think they might have been better off filling a position of need with a guy like Jayson Werth.  Finally, for the tigers, we think they'll love the deal the first two years and hate it the last two as Martinez continues to age "naturally."

Of course, when a team gains a player another must lose one and that team is the Boston Red Sox.  We posited before the season that the Sox would re-sign Martinez and let Adrian Beltre walk.  With Martinez hitting the bricks, you have to figure the pressure to keep Beltre increases.  We still think he's gone.  As in the past,  the Sox are committed to not overpaying players and in a market with few hitters who are both consistent and not old, Beltre will be overpaid by someone.  We've read reports that have the Oakland A's offering something in the area of 5 for $64m.  Consider that overpaying.  If that's the case, look for the Sox to focus on picking up an OF (Crawford or Werth or trading for Justin Upton) and continuing their pursuit of Adrian Gonzalez.  We can't see how they'd let Martinez walking or signing Beltre get in the way of those pursuits. 
As for the catching position, as we said above it's virtually impossible to replicate the production they're losing.  They'll probably go into the season by giving Jarrod Salatalamacchia his last shot at becoming an everyday catcher.  Salty, another switch-hitter, is a former big-time prospect (he was one of the centerpieces of the deal that brought Mark Texeria to the Braves from the Rangers), who at his best, he projects to be a hitter like, coincidentally, Victor Martinez.  In big league career, however, he's battled both injuries and an Knoblauchian inability to throw the ball back to the pitcher.  Good luck with that one Sox fans.
 
The final piece to the puzzle is the Red Sox acquisition of the Tigers' first round pick (Martinezi s a Type-A free-agent meaning that the team he leaves gets the acquiring teams 1st rounder and a sandwich pick) which gives them the flexibility to give their first rounder away if they sign someone like Crawford or simply continue their pattern of paying above-slot and nabbing two high-quality young players.  MLB might be the only sport where, because of draft pick compensation, that incentivizes teams to let their best players walk away. 

The Persnickety Project's Guide to Job Searching - Interviews Part 3 - Intelligent Interview Questions

Disclaimer:  The views expressed herein are not indicative of the views of the writer and are meant for entertainment purposes only.  Any attempt to construe these words in a manner other than that described herein may subject the reader to liability for not having a sense of humor.  Please be guided accordingly.

In Parts 1 and 2 of the series, we prepared you for the interview and showed you how to answer their questions.  Now, in Part 3, we show you how to ask your own probing questions.

Experts, like us, recommend that you come prepared to any interview with questions aimed at both demonstrating your ability to fake interest and helping you determine exactly how full of shit the interviewer is when they tell you how much they enjoy their job.  It’s accepted practice to assume that approximately 75% of the information given to you by the interviewer is total malarkey, but our methods help you pinpoint that number to within 2.5%.  GUARANTEED.

For even the best of us this can be a challenge, particularly when you're bogged down by things like integrity, tact and honesty.  Fortunately, we're don't have those hang-ups and can provide you with a list of 32 (that's right, 32!!) big questions that are sure to get you H-I-R-E-D.

Assessing Your New Position

1. What happened to the poor fool who had this job before me?

2.  Did he quit in a rage?

3.  Did he fake a mental breakdown or physical injury, go out on disability and then just never come back?

4. Was he fired for naively requesting a raise to a living wage marginally above the poverty line?

5.  Did the police have to be called to remove him from the building?

Work/Life Balance

6.  What percentage of the day am I actually expected to work?

7.  Will I have time to work on my novel/movie/blog?

8.  Do you block Facebook and YouTube or do you treat your employees like adults and not children?

9.  Do people here actually work on Fridays?

Embracing New Challenges/Assessing What Lies Ahead

10.  Besides staying awake during the day, what are the greatest challenges facing me after I get this position?

11.  How deep is the pile of shit I’m stepping into?  Is it up to my ankles, knees, waist or head?
 
The Importance of Education


12.  After you hire me, are you going to hold that fact that [insert your college] isn't considered to be as good a school as [insert their college] and then fire me abruptly when an alumni from your school o the child of an old roommate needs a job?

13.  Are you looking to hire someone intelligent or simply dumb people who don’t threaten your superiority?


Compensation

14. If a train leaves New York traveling west at 200 mph and another train leaves Los Angeles traveling east at 125 mph, how long before I get a raise?

15.  Will I make enough to cover the legal bills associated with my son’s future arrest for possession of a controlled substance after he gets addicted to heroin because daddy wasn't home enough? (This is particularly relevant if you are interviewing for an NFL coaching position.)


Vacation Time

16.  Can I have off next Friday?

17.  How many vacation days do I get? Will I actually get to use them or is that number just used to attract candidates who don’t know any better?

18.  When I want to use sick days to extend my vacation, does the company accept international collect calls?  What if I promise to put on a good "sick voice" and fake cough?



Corporate Culture

19.  Besides me becoming convinced that I can do your job better then you, how will things be different a year from now after I get this job?

20.  On a level of 1 to 10 (with 1 being a colonoscopy and 10 eating a box of Entenmann’s Original Recipe Cookies) how much to you dread coming to work here each morning?

21.  How many times a week do you sit in the parking lot crying before summoning the strength to go into the building?

22.  Can you describe the atmosphere of the office? Does it feel more like the calm before the storm or just the storm itself?

23.  Are you as big of an asshole as I imagine you to be once the pretense of courtesy is dropped?

24. What is the deal with Outcast? Are they a group, individuals, I just can’t figure it out.

25. What types of people tend to excel here, sycophants, arrogant jerks or just rageaholics ?

Career Advancement

26. How will I be evaluated for a promotion? (under your breath or masked by a fake-cough “please don’t say merit”)

27.  Once I get really good at my job to the point that I might actually enjoy coming to work, will I be expected to follow an advancement path that promises to give me more responsibility than I can handle, little to no additional monetary gain and the promise of ruining any happiness I once had?

Hostile Work Environment

28.  Should I expect to be sexually harassed? If so, how much?  Will it get physical?

Personal Fulfillment

29.  How do you sleep at night after doing this all day?

30.  How do you live with yourself, is the paycheck enough to numb the pain?


Benefits

31.  Does the company’s medical insurance cover the therapy that my family and I will need if I work as much as you expect me to?

32.  What about coverage for rehabilitation care due to my impending addiction to pain killers?

Stay Tuned:  Next Week - A Response From "The Man".

If you giggled even once at this, ask yourself an important question.  Am I a follower?  If you aren't, why?  It's easy, you don't get any annoying emails and it helps keep the delusions of our lonely writer alive.  Be a pal - follow The Persnickety Project.

Fantasy Football - You Ruind My F'n Day - Week 11

On Sunday afternoon, we went down to our Grandmother-In-Law's (GIL for short) house for dinner on Sunday (don't worry, it was on the express condition that the Giants-Eagles game was not to be missed).  She lives down in South Jersey - with the emphasis on South.  We're not talking South Jersey as defined by people from North Jersey who think anything below the Driscoll bridge is Alabama or even the South Jersey around places like Cherry Hill.  We're referring to the part of South Jersey - Gloucester Countyish - that really makes you wonder whether the Mason-Dixon line makes a special loop just below Camden.  It's weird down there and its not just the plethora of Eagles fans.

As if we needed further proof of the area's weirdness, as we’re pulling into the driveway we saw our GIL’s bear ass right out in the front yard.  Hold on, wait, not in the Steve Harvey Family Feud nekked grandma kind of way but like this:


Check out our Granny-In-Law's Bear Ass

 

Yeah, that's right those are wooden "sculptures" of bears made from tree stumps (there's a raccoon too).  They're owned by the neighbors and are positioned across the property line between the two houses.   Do you believe that shit? 

As you can imagine, due to the life-like appearance of these wooden winnies, we immediately freaked out and grabbed the sawed-off shotgun we keep under the passengers seat to protect the family (we took out the head raccoon).  Once we were able to settle down, however, we were really able to sit back and admire them for what they are - pure art.  Just look at the craftsmanship.  They're just beautiful, really breathtaking in person.  The best part?  Each and everyone of these little guys are facing away from her house - forming a bear-ass chorus line for her to see every morning when she goes out to get the paper.  Simply stunning.

Apparently the wooden-tree-stump-animal thing has become a phenomenon in the area and they're popping up all over the place, including something referred to as "3 bears and a flagpole" (our guess is that it's a recreation of the "Iwo Jima Memorial" with bears in marine uniforms).  If anyone wants the contact info for the artist responsible for creating these masterpieces, let us know.  Remember everyone the Christmas season is upon us and who isn't in he market for a gift certain to enrage your neighbors?

Speaking of being enraged, let's look at a few of the most interesting stories of the fantasy football week.

1.  Tyler Thigpen, QB, Miami Dolphins;

Why Tyler Thigpen - a guy who threw for a measly 187 yards and no touchdowns?  Well, because his 27 yards rushing lead the team that brought the Wildcat to NFL audiences and ran the ball on seemingly everyone and still employs two former 1,000 yard backs.  The Dolphins offense has become a disaster and their run game is falling apart.  While we doubt that anyone had super-high hopes for either Ronnie Brown or Ricky Williams, in a year where top-flight runners were few and far between, you probably expected to at least get solid production.  Instead you ended up with one-half of a pile of crap that combined for 11 yards on 6 carries on Thursday night.  Put aside you amazement that the team would only run the ball 6 times in a game that they trailed 6-0 at half, and ask yourself whether either of these guys should even be on your team.  We say no, unless one of them gets severely injured.  After 11 weeks, they’ve split carriers almost evenly and combined for less than 900 yards, only 4 touchdowns and ZERO 100 yard games.  Time to move on, my friends. Nothing to see here.

2.  Buffalo Bills Offense, Running Theme of Amazement, The Persnickety Project;

Ryan Fitzpatrick: 316 yards, 4 TDs, 2 INT
Steve Johnson: 8 catches, 137 yards, 3 TDs
Fred Jackson: 21 carries, 116 yards, 2 TDs

Fuck it.

3.  Greg Jennings, WR, Green Bay Packers;

Last week, in negotiating a trade that got us Hot Roddy White (we're testing that one out instead of "Rowdy"), we went back and forth trying to figure out whether to include Greg Jennings or Reggie Wayne. (it’s a keeper league so age was a consideration).  We ended up including Jennings.  Apparently, he wasn't thrilled with leaving the friendly confines of The Raging Hippos (we're a first-class organization) and decided to take out his hurt feelings on Minnesota.  After being reasonably hot since week 6, his 7 catches, 152 yards and 3 scores not only outpaced White but got us thinking he's going to have a monster last few weeks.  The Packers seem to finally be getting their offense in gear (though it could be more a function of beating up on 2 absolute dog teams, the Cowboys and the Vikes) so any owner smart enough to hold onto him at the trade deadline should be pleased.

4.  Sidney Rice, WR, Minnesota Vikings;

After surprise hip surgery right before the start of the season, many owners who drafted in early August and hoped to capitalize on his breakout season (83 for 1312) were ready to pillage and plunder.  On Sunday, Rice finally made his long-awaited season debut.  While most of his numbers (3 catches, 56 yards) were extremely pedestrian, one that stands out to us: 10.  That’s how many targets he got in his first game back, about double the number of anyone else.  The main reason for Rice's performances last year was his ability to establish himself as The Dongslinger’s #1 target and Sunday gives us plenty of reason to believe he might have stepped right back into that role.  While there's no telling what the rest of the season will hold now that Brad Childress (voted coach who most resembles a pedophile) is gone but we suspect that Favre will remain the quarterback as long as he wants to, and if he does, Rice could be a nice speculative late-season pick-up.

5.  The Bizarro New York Jets;

Ground and pound our ass!! Wait, that didn’t come out right.  Anyway, after a season in which they ran the ball approximately 187% of the time, nobody really expected much from the Jets passing game this season.  During the last few weeks, however, Jets have turned into the Run-And-Shoot Houston Oilers.  That's probably an exaggeration, but they certainly have found a ton more balance on offense.  Good thing too since their defense hasn’t been nearly as good as last year.  In the last 4 weeks, the Jets have thrown the ball an average of 40 times per game and the Sanchize has built on his early season touchdown binge to make himself a viable fantasy back-up/spot starter.  His excellent performance on Sunday (315 yards, 3 Tds) even included a game-winning drive that saved the Jets from an awful loss. Additionally, though we’ve never been a fan of Sanantonio Holmes he seems to be turning into the go-to guy that Braylon Edwards could never be with a pair of 100 yard games in his last 3 contests, including Sunday's 7 catches, 126 yards, and 2 TDs. Finally, and perhaps most interestingly, after coming on like gangbusters in the early season, The Nickname Thief has slowed down a bit and even had less carries (15 to 12) then his younger counterpart, Shonn Greene on Sunday.  LT owners should take note that their early season darling might end up an end-of-season slouch.

6.  Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans Saints;

Much like we think the Packer offense is starting to round into form, the Saints look like they might have finally shaken off the early season Super Bowl hangover. Even without their top 2 runners, the Saints have scored 30+ points in their last 2 games and have managed the feat of being a barely talked about 7-2 defending Super Bowl Champion.  Sure, it was against bad teams – Carolina and Seattle – but with Bush expected back shortly and Pierre Thomas attempting to practice, they should be able to keep it going.  Most importantly for fantasy owners, their prized QB, Mr. Brees has gone over 300 yards in 3 of his last 4, including Sunday’s huge 382 yard, 4 touchdown performance and has attempted over 40 throws in each of his last 4 contests.  As always, the Saints offense is going to live and die with Brees and now owners can feel a bit more comfortable that they’ll survive with him as well.

Frank Gore, RB, San Francisco 49ers;

Frank Gore's Sunday performance is why fantasy sucks. Is there anything more frustrating then watching your team lose by a handful of points because their opponent started “Shitty” Nate Burleson (that’s his nickname, look it up) who has a big game (7 rec, 97 yards, 1 TD) while you were salivating over Frank “Why Don’t You Just” Gore “Me in the Face” plum match-up only to watch in horror as he gives you 23 fucking yards against the awful Bucs run defense? No.  No there is not.  So, in his honor, we’re adopting, and we encourage you to as well, the “Frank Gore Pledge”:

We pledge to enjoy constructing our fantasy team, talking shit with our friends, making trades and having an excuse to follow teams we would have no other reason to care about but, under no circumstances, we will concern ourselves with wins and losses or place undue expectations of rationality or fairness on the fantasy game.  We pledge not think about smashing our heads through a window when our normally solid running back screws us in the playoffs or allow our opponents victory, courtesy of pure luck and players who have no business being in any one's line-up, to send us into a three-day homicidal rage.  For these principles, we say, thank you Frank Gore.”

Programming Note - On Being A Follower

Hello People.  As you may notice, The Persnickety Project now was 19 followers.  We are certainly appreciative of our loyal friends and family but our ego needs more.  For anyone who reads but hasn't started following yet, the at of following doesn't actually do anything for you.  It's really all about us.  You won't receive any annoying emails or anything, you're just letting us know that you care.   It's like an old AT&T commercial - reach out and touch us. 

Also, we sincerely welcome any feedback you might have (good or bad).  So if you have any questions or topics to suggest or want to just make fun of us, please feel free.  You can use the comment section to tell us we suck or do it more personally at the thepersnicketyproject@gmail.com. 

Finally, if you read something you love or hate (likely the latter), feel free to pass it around to your other friends.  We're pretty much at capacity here in terms of friends so we need your help.  You can all get together and point and laugh at us.  Think of it as a bonding experience. 

Thanks everyone!!

Real Football - Ramdom Reactions to Giants-Eagles: The Battle For First

There are only a few games that we'll actually stay up past our bedtime to watch and about 95% of them involve our New York Football Giants.  Last night was no exception and despite a 4th quarter lead (with the ball!!), we ended up going to sleep all kinds of pissed off.  Here are a few (mostly non-edited or thought through) reactions to the game.

1.  The Eagles are just straight better then the Giants, at least right now.

We only add that qualifier because the league changes so much week-to-week, but right now its indisputable.  Delusional Giants fans (we try to not be like that) will sit around today discussing how the team "would" or "should" have won if not for the 4 turnovers.  Not so.  The Giants dodged IED after IED in the first half, somehow managing to hold the explosive Eagle offense to 6 points off two bad 2nd quarter turnovers, including a blocked FG as time expired in the half.  Without one of those stops, the Giants "comeback" would have left them way short anyway. 

2.  The Eagles offense is really scary ...

We barely breathed last night when the Eagles were on offense.  Vick + DeJeremy Maclin-Jackson + Shady McCoy = us hiding our eyes under the blanket not wanting to watch.  Of course, the Giants played their offense about as well as could be expected for 3+ quaters only to make two crucial mistakes int he 4th that lead to a pair of 50-yard runs from Shady, one for the game winning touchdown (on a 4th and 1 where a stop could have legitimately ended the game no less) and another for the game sealing first down.  This is not a team that makes you pay with first downs, you pay with points. 

3.  but it can be defensed.

Sure, we spent a large portion of the game hiding under the covers but from what we did see, the Giants did a reasonable job of slowing the Eagles down.  In the first half, they sat back in what looked like a lot of zone and tried as much to corral Vick as much as rush him.  After that proved pretty ineffective, leaving Vick to sit in the pocket like it was a La-Z-Boy, they went to a much more pressure oriented scheme and Vick looked legitimately uncomfortable, even fumbling twice.  The key seemed to us to be bringing pressure up the middle (old school Jimmy Jouhnson style) and forcing Vick backwards since he's actually catchable in the backpedal.  We were particularly impressed with Rolle last night, he seemed to be everywhere and does such a nice job of supporting in the run game.  If the Giants are going to challenge Philly in the rematch in a few weeks, they'll need to continue to bring pressure and get big games from Chris Canty, for his ability to collapse the middle of the line and their safeties Kenny Phillips and Antrel Rolle since their the only guys on the field who seem to have any shot at taking Vick down when he tries to make a move. 

4.  The Giants miss Steve Smith.

The New Real Steve Smith has missed the last couple of games and if was completely obvious to us that the Giants offense is not nearly as good without him.  It's not that he's so much better than his replacement, Mario Manningham, or that the other guys on the roster are so bad, its just that they are each so much better int he roles they were scheduled to fill.  When Manningham is pulled up to #2, guys like Duke Calhoun and Derek Hagan who are excellent special team guys and capable #4 or #5 guys, are now running in the slot and having to make plays their not accustomed to making.  Everyone is out of their comfort zones.  It's not that the offense is terrible or anything now, but there ability to finish or extend drives is compromised.  We noticed at least 2 times last night when Hagan was called upon for a big third down and couldn't make the play.  normally that would be Manningham.  Getting Smith back should get the offense back fully on track.  

5.  We hate the Eagles.

We're sure it appeals to their fans but the Eagles, particularly their offensive skills players namely DeSean Jackson, are infuriating.  They prance around the field like your neighbors punk-ass little brother.  Add in the extreme Vick love and Assante Samuels' amazing ability to always be in the right place at the right time, despite his aversion to things such as tackling.  They're practically begging you to punch them in the face.  Hopefully the Giants will di it for us next game.

What did you guys see?  Let us know on comments or email (thepersnicketyproject@gmail.com).

Things We Hate - Jared The Subway Guy Running the NYC Marathon

"Who wants to get in my pants?
Don't be shy, there's plenty of room for both of us."

As we're sure you've heard by now (thanks to a particularly annoying and ubiquitous ad campaign), Jared Fogle - the Subway Guy - ran the New York City marathon.  Good for him, but we are so goddamn tired of your commercials and Subway's blatant and continuous pimping of this guy for no good reason.

Breaking news: Skinny Guy Runs Marathon!!

Let's make one thing clear, we're not here to shit on Jared or anyone who has the intestinal fortitude to do all the training required to run a marathon.  We know a bunch of people who have and do run marathons and we have all the respect in the world for them (that says a lot considering how little we respect anything else here at The Persnickety Project).  It's not something we could probably do, but what annoys the crap out of us is all the manufactured fanfare and hero-making (pun not intended but accepted) that Subway has done.   

How does this warrant TV and radio commercials and newspaper articles?  Particularly, a radio commercial that had the balls to insult our collective intelligence by asking (hopefully rhetorically) whether Jared might next climb Mt. Everest or perhaps kayak across the Pacific Ocean.  (We're quite sure that's next on his list right after he gets that sweet chicken teriyaki sub that he apparently eats for 3 meals a day.)  It's not like 45,000 other people ran the damn thing.  Or that thousands of other marathons are run in this country every year.  We don't even have any friends but we know two different people who have run more than one marathon each this year alone.  Not exactly a singular accomplishment. 

Are we supposed to be inspired because he used to be overweight?  As we've said before, we could give two shits if someone is heavy.  Sure, its awesome that over 10 years ago he lost like 250 lbs by eating mediocore sandwiches and walking and then got rich when Subway latched onto his story and magically turned their restaurant into a  "healthy" alternative.  That should be an inspiration for everyone (especially the rich part).  But the point is, he used to be a fat dude.  Ne isn't anymore.  Its not even like he lost all kinds of wait during the training.  He's been skinny for a damn decade.  Subway - Let it Go!!

You know what's worse?  We've been to a few marathons and we've seen plenty of actual big people running and finishing the races.  How about we salute them.  How about we do a commercial about the 45-year old mother of 3, who's carrying around 25 years and 30 extra pounds of baby weight, who cranks it in under 5 hours.  That shit is inspirational!!  Call us mean but throwing a party for a former fat dude who came in 36,968th place doesn't exactly remind us of "Hoosiers" or even "The Replacements." 

Finally, while we are fully aware that the goal is to finishing and time isn't supposed to be important but does 5 hours, 13 minutes really earn you a commercial where a bunch of sports stars like Michael Strahan, Laila Ali and some tiny gymnastics person (who is identifiable only because she is actually wearing a gymnastics leotard and standing next to a balance beam) congratulate your for your accomplishment?  Come on, despite apparently beginning training in January (with presumably the best trainers Subway could afford), he only managed to finish less than a half-hour faster than the Chilean miner who just spent 69 DAYS STUCK UNDERGROUND IN A FUCKING MINE.  That's only 2 steps better then beating out a freshly woken-up coma patient with your final kick.  Oprah ran it faster.  Lance Armstrong ran it with no nuts.  The Mrs. ran a marathon in less time.  She didn't get her own commercial.  All she got were a bunch of complaints about how our legs were aching from following her around and a text message from Brett Favre that, for some reason, she never let us see but, for some reason, she still has saved on her phone.  Wait a second .....

Stupid Commenter Beatdown - Don't You Know I'm Loko

Meet the first drinker of "Four Loko":
The "Micromachines" Guy

It appears that the west coast bureau of The Persnickety Project has closed leaving us to fend for ourselves in the battle to find stories that generate dumb comments. Fortunately, we have an ally in a little drink called “Four Loko”.

The flow of Four Loko into New York is finally being shut off. The State Liquor Authority has pressured the state's biggest beer distributors to stop delivering Four Loko and other caffeinated alcoholic cocktails to New York retailers by Dec.10.

So, the mythical city where highly caffeinated alcoholic beverages flow like water did exist.  At least until Big Brother got involved. 

Jaisen Freeman, co-founder of Phusion Projects, the company that produces Four Loko, gave a tepid endorsement of the agreement. “We think it shows that we are not turning a deaf ear to what's going on: that a select few have chosen to abuse our products, drink them while underage or break the law and sell them to minors," said Freeman.  A 23.5-ounce can of Four Loko contains the amount of alcohol in three cans of beer blended with the caffeine of three cups of coffee.

In this case, rather than a deaf ear wouldn't  turn something like a blacked-out brain to the problem, instead?  Anyway, yes, the State's decision to ban your product certainly shows that you aren't ignoring the problem.  Nice attempt at logic, sir. 

More importantly, we think the newspaper did you a real injustice in its transcription of Mr. Freeman's comments.  Here's the more accurate translation: 

(slurring) “Wethinkitshowsthatwearenotturningadeafeartowhatsgoingonthataselectfewhavechosentoabuseourproductsdrinkthemwhileunderageorbreakthelawandsellthemtominors"
(passes out)

The fruity malt beverage leaped into the spotlight in New York last month after members of a Bronx gang forced a victim to guzzle 10 cans before beating him mercilessly in what was described as a gay bias attack.

Fruity? Really? Bad job by you New York Daily News.

After the Daily News informed his office of the deal, Sen. Chuck Schumer said he favored an outright ban but called the move "a giant step forward in keeping our kids safe from these toxic and dangerous brews."

Next on Chuck's agenda is to stop the creation of other toxic and dangerous brews by banning the sale of, among other ingredients, unicorn blood and goosegrass.  Neither the New York Witches Association nor Hogwarts could be reached for comment.

Nine stores in East Tremont, Castle Hill, Wakefield and Parkchester sold the drink to a teenage police cadet, cops said. They were hit with summonses.

Ladies and gentlemen, the plot for “Police Academy 8: Teens in Patrol.”

"It is clear that teens in this city have no problem getting their hands on this dangerous drink. It has to stop," he said.

Translation: "It is clear that teens in this city have no problem getting their hands on this dangerous drink or any other kind of alcohol.  But because this one has gotten to much press and because the manufacturer of the drink isn't a large multinational company that contributes generously to our campaigns, we'll do some stuff that  makes it seem like we care though we could give two shits."

The "blackout-in-a-can" has been blamed for several deaths, and authorities in Michigan, Washington, Oklahoma and Utah have banned the sale of Four Loko.

Similarly, being "blacked out in the can" has been blamed for many embarrassing pictures.

On to the comments, which show the dramatic effects that alcohol has on the human brain.

stlgurl2010
Dont they know that when you ban some thing itonly makes people want to do it more. I only brought the drink cuz of the stuff they were saying about it. Just like kids only drink because they have been told that they cant. Thats why I think is you can join the army at 18 you should be able to buy a drink. All people have to so is go out of NY to buy it and keep it at home cuz if I was in NY thats what i would do are get family to send it to me.

So, if we follow her logic, just tell kids they can't join the army and they'll sign right up.  Sounds like the Pentagon has a new recruiting strategy.  Secondly, we've had letter sitting on our counter for like 3 weeks that we couldnt' be bothered to put in the mailbox that sits 10 feet from our door.  What makes her think that she can get someone go out, buy this crap and then go to the actual post office to ship it? 

Mr.Wonderful
Aint_Haten_On_U... 1:37 AM Nov 14, 2010 YOU ELECTED THEM!!!! this is only the beginning!!!!more to come i guarantee it <~~ at least we exercised our right to vote, ANNA, you dick head!

Vote or die, buttface!!

CSLoko
This entire movement to ban Four Loko is rediculous... if you feel the same way go to www.thelokolist.com and let America drink what America wants to drink! www.thelokolist.com.

Note to Four Loko:  If you are going to pay people to go to the comments section to try to drum up support for your product, at least make sure they know how to use spellcheck.

NYYCaptain15
Nanny Dearest invades New York again.

And she's checking your closet to make sure there's no wire hangers.

eveiny
To quote a Boardwalk Empire commercial-'When alcohol was outlawed, outlaws became kings'

We can do that too!! To quote a Chevy commercial - "This is our country!!" 

Bet you thought you finally had that one out of your head after 2 years.
madeline1
This sucks! I want four loko back! And while we're at it.....I want my EPHEDRA back, too!!!!!!

Little known fact: Madeline’s resting heart rate is 274 beats per minute.

..... is from B...
BAH!!!!! hehehehe! big brother cant knock my fun! "hell,, the illegality is half the fun of buying drugs and illegal stuff's ANYWAY!!". I'M JUST ANGRY THAT I DON'T HAVE STOCK in whatever company puts this stuff out..TALK ABOUT FREE ADVERTISING!!! MAN!! u just know all the kiddies are gonna be clamoring fo it now!...but i ain't mad,you guys ever taste this stuff???? yuck! NOTHING and i mean NOTHING beats the OLD STANDBY .....the 40 ounce malt liquor!!


Sometimes they don't even need a joke.

Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 10

Hey Woody, enjoy that bird seed we left on your seat.
It is in no way poisoned.

Every sporting event has its own unique set of characters, some harmless, most annoying.  For some unknown reason, we have a special ability to always find ourselves in the immediate vicinity of the most obnoxious people in the stadium.  It’s our curse.  Of course, since we so overly observant , we can't help but be pay attention to these jackasses.

On Saturday, we had the distinct displeasure of watching our beloved Scarlet Knights lose yet another close game to an opponent who they largely outplayed.  Going to Rutgers games is like “Groundhog Day.”  Our motto is quickly becoming: “As long as you come to the game without any expectations of seeing winning football, you’ll have a good time.” (Catchy, huh?)  Fortunately,we were able to introduce our special guest tailgaters (our brother and his gf) to both the joy of low expectations and the Section 224 Characters:

Look At This Guy: LATG, named after the phrase he and his dad utter during every single goddamn play, sits an all too close two rows behind us is your prototypical know-it-all football fan.  He just talks and talks and talks about how he knows more than the coaches and complains about every play call, even when the team does what, just two second before, he was imploring them to do.  Typical LATG exchange:


LATG:  I don't know why they're not throwing the ball. 

LATG Dad: Yeah.

(play starts)

In unison:  Look at this!!

(team throws ball, pass incomplete)

LATG: Run the ball!! Why are they throwing it!!

LATG Dad: Yeah.

(next play starts)

In unison:  Look at this!!

What's even better about LATG is that, despite his preternatural ability to remember every single players uniform number, shoes size, email address and girlfriend's name, he gets about 115% of everything else completely wrong.  At the beginning of the season, when starting quarterback Tom Savage was held out of the game after halftime due to an injury, LATG insisted, loudly and repeatedly, that the reason he wasn’t playing was because he forgot his helmet in the locker room.  Yeah, that's what the problem was.  A starting quarterback for a BCS conference team would totally miss multiple plays because neither he nor one of the 100 lackeys in the program could run back to the locker room to get his helmet.  We hate you LATG and your dad sucks too.

Woody Woodpecker:  This guy is just a douche hopping around from seat to seat like an animated bird to taunt and annoy us from all possible angles.  All he's missing is the laugh.  He fancies himself the section’s “Cheer Director” taking it upon himself to make the determination of when its appropriate to stand on third-down and, at times, even deciding which individuals have permission to stand and cheer.  (Is it our turn?  Oh, please, please, please, pick us!!)  Despite what you may think in your little animated bird brain, you are not entertaining anyone and we don’t need your permission to cheer.

Johnny Intensity:  Finally, we bring you Johnny Intensity, the 50-year old guy who's a middle manager at a middling pharmaceutical firm.  Both his wife and kids stopped listening to him 15 years ago and now he needs YOU to pay attention to him at he stands at the bottom of the section attempting to fire the crowd up and lead us in "R-U" chants.  Come down Mr. Intensity, you're going to have an aneurysm and none of us would be disappointed.

Now that we've gotten that off our chests, on to the real fake football.
1. The Dogkiller, QB, Philadelphia Eagles;

We were wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Spectacularly wrong.  Apparently it is possible to spend the better part of two years incarcerated and become a significantly better quarterback. It defies explanation but now that he's done it for weeks in a row, we're convinced.  The next level of quarterbacking has arrived, but good luck trying to find another.  Vick has always been the most talented guy on the field combining ridiculous speed and quickness with one of the strongest arms you'll ever see but before this season he had never quite put it all together.  On Monday, however, he took it to another level.  In a game that we all look back on 10 years and remember as the night he made the leap, Vick became exactly what everyone thought and hoped he could become when he was drafted #1 out of Virginia Tech. The numbers are simply historic - 20/28, 333 yards, 80 yards rushing on 8 carries and 6 total touchdowns (4 passing, 2 rushing). To steal Randall Cunningham's nickname, he is the ultimate weapon.

While we can't deny his on-field accomplishments, we still can't quite get on board with all the love and adulation he's receiving and it's not just because he's an Eagle.  We fully support the idea of redemption and understand that he's paid his debt to society through a rather significant prison sentence, but it all just seems too easy.  In a year, he's back on top of the NFL ladder as the MVP favorite and eveyrone, not just Eagles fans, seem to have completely gotten over their disgust at what he did.  Maybe they're better people than us, but for now, it just doesn't sit right.

From a fantasy perspective, he's easily a Top 4 QB with the likes of Manning, Rivers, Brees. As long as he stays healthy, the next 6 weeks are going to be fun, and potentially championship filled, for everyone who guessed that Andy Reid was a big fat liar, and snatched Vick off the waiver wire.

2. Calvin Johnson, WR, Detroit Lions;

Continuing the theme of guys becoming who were thought they would be, we're prepared to declare that Calvin Johnson will be a Top 5 WR for the rest of the season and challenge for the top spot next year.  Like Vick, Johnson is a physical freak (6' 5", 235, 4.4 speed) who's production hadn't quite matched his talent. After two consecutive seasons where he didn't even break 1,000 yards, this year and despite significant quaterback turmoil this year (Stafford and Hill both being injured, Drew Stanton being crappy), Johnson is on pace to put up a line of a career high 87 catches for 1200 yards and a whopping 16 touchdowns.  After a slow start to the season he could even eclipse those marks with a strong second half.  After watching Stafford go down yet again with a shoulder injury last week, we had our doubts about whether Johnson would be able to excel with a back-up, even a servicible one like Hill but Sunday's monster performance (10 for 128, 1 TD) with Shaun Hill under center (323 yards) finally put those doubts to rest. All hail Megatron!!

3. Fred Jackson, RB, Buffalo Bills;

After several weeks of ruining people's days with ridiculous performances from their passing game, Buffalo decided to let its running game, namely Fred Jackson, do the job this week. Just in time for us to regret including him as a sweetner to a deal that netted us Roddy White, Freddie put together a game that likely stole a victory from a few unsuspecting owners. Sunday's 25 carries for 133 yards with 5 catches for 37 yards and 2 total touchdowns represent season highs across the board and extends our streak of being completely and utterly stunned by a Bills' fantasy performance to 10 weeks. Keep playing your Bills, we guess.  Jackson should have a few more solid games to close out the year.

4. Mike Goodson, RB, Carolina Panthers;

Remember a few weeks ago when we reminisced about how the Panthers used to produce all kinds of great running back performances after somebody got injured? Well, apparently it just took one extra round of injuries. With both DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart sitting out with various ailments (Stewart was out with a “head.” Are we not allowed to say concussion?), third-stringer Mike Goodson (not to be confused with television producer Mark Goodson of Faimly Feud, Match Game, Password and Card Sharks fame), a second year guy from Irvington, NJ (apparently the former “Murder Capital of America”) via Texas A&M, put together a nice 100 yard performance that helped desperate owners far more than guys like Michael Turner.  Don’t expect it to last, however, the Bucs are a poor run defense and not only will he face the Ravens in Week 11 but Stewart (DeAngelo went on the IR yesterday) figures to return Carolina to its normal fantasy suckiness soon enough.

5. Quinn Glover, CB/Poor Volleyball Player, Houston Texans;

Bat. It. Down. Toward the ground, not diagonally towards a player who’s trailing the play looking for the deflection.  Glover’s volleyball shortcomings took a relatively mundane day by Mike Thomas (7, 99) into a much more meaningful 8 catches for 149 yards and 1 TD.  In PPR leagues with 5 point bonuses for 100 yards receiving, that’s a 17 point swing that cost plenty a game in the playoff standing.  While we’re here we might as well talk about Jacksonville’s surprisingly productive offense. MJD (24 carries, 100 yards and 2 TDs on Sunday) is a given and continues to be solid and sometimes spectacular.  David Garrard on the other hand is as hot as anyone in the league right now (6 TDs in the last 2 games, averaging 300 yards per) but figured to come back down to earth soon.  Enjoy the ride while you can. As for the aforementioned Mike Thomas, it seems that Jacksonville is only capable of producing one good WR performance per week and Thomas has been playing hot potato with Mike Sims-Walker to see who gets the numbers.  You can’t really trust either of them.

6. Jason Garrett, Coup Leader, Dallas Cowboys;

Hey Jason, Wade Phillips left a message for you, he says “Et tu, JG?"  (He also said "Go Fuck Yourself" but we left that part out so as not to hurt his feelings.)  Are we supposed to believe that the Cowboys could spend the first 9 weeks of the season looking like the aliens from “Space Jam” came and stole their mojo and after 3 days of practice (but it was with pads on!!) under Jason Garrett they become the offensive juggernaut everyone expected them to be all season?  With Kitna under center no less? Apparently there was a reason he was the coach in waiting (may be it should be “lying in wait.”)  Anyway, what do we make of this? Well, the Giants certainly didn’t play their best game (time for another second half breakdown?) but he Cowboys still looked great.  Eventually the league will remember all the things it used to do that prevented Kitna from ever being good but they still should be better than they showed.  While our previous predicted beneficiary of the Romo injury, Jason Witten, was an afterthought, Dez Bryant is rapidly emerging as both Kitna’s go to guy and a legit fantasy must-start. He’s got all the tools to eventually form the best WR tandem in the league with Miles Austin. Not sure who will be better but they’ll be tough to stop for a long time.

7. Tom Brady, Quarterback/Example of Terrible Hair Care, New England Patriots;

There he is. We went into the season expecting a huge season from Mr. Bad Hair, only to be forced to dramatically adjust our expectations adjusted with the Moss trade and then become confused and disoriented after Brady’s awful (for him at least) real life performance against the Browns (224 yards, 2 Tds). Sure his fantasy numbers weren’t terrible but it seemed to be further evidence of an emerging pattern of underwhelming numbers (no games over 300 yards). Sure he’s been throwing touchdowns (17 on the season) but he just hadn’t seemed to be his usual stellar self. On Sunday, against Pittsburgh’s vaunted defense, Brady reminded everyone why we do our best to ignore the fact that he left his pregnant girlfriend to marry a supermodel and then grew that hideous hair and draft him with a virtuoso 350 yard, 4 TD (3 passing, 1 rushing). What was even better was that the Pats actually ran the ball effectively, showing balance they haven’t had since the days of Cory Dillon. Fantasy owners should be excited again.




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The Persnickety Projects Guide to Job Searching - Interviews - Part Deux

Before we start this week's seminar, it has come to our attention that publishing articles which poke fun at jobs, working and/or bosses might hinder our ability to make a living at some point in the future.  To that end, we'd like to include the following disclaimer. 

Disclaimer:  The views expressed herein are not indicative of the views of the writer and are meant for entertainment purposes only.  Any attempt to construe these words in a manner other than that described herein may subject the reader to liability for not having a sense of humor.  Please be guided accordingly.

Now that all that "legal" stuff is out of the way, let's back back to helping you find a job.  Last week we covered all the things you need to do before you get to the interview, we'll discuss what to do on your interview day.

For Part 1 of the series, click here.

You: On An Interview

On the big day, you're the star of your own reality show called "You: On an Interview."  Sure, the ratings suck because only your mom watches (and that's only when NCIS isn't on, which is never) but the point is, you've got to be at your best.  Your performance today is going to determine whether you get your big break or find yourself stuck on "Flavor of Love 14."

You have to be "on" from the moment the alarm clock goes off.  Why is that?  BECAUSE THEY MIGHT BE WATCHING YOU!  Companies, particularly the larger ones, have spies everywhere, including outside your house (keep those blinds drawn if your modest) to monitor everything you do outside of work.  They'll watch how you interact with your neighbors, if you curb your dog during the morning walk and whether you pick your nose and eat it in the car.  They want to get to know the REAL you.  Don't let them. 

(Think we're paranoid? Well, tell us, who's in that minivan parked across the street? Nobody? Sure, keep thinking that.)


Also, if you get cut off on the day to the office, don’t honk and flip the bird, there’s a 100% chance that person is your future boss.

Better to be Late Than The Jerk Who's Early

When should you arrive at the interview?  Two words - Fashionably Late.  Nobody likes a Punctual Pete.  Showing up late tells your boss that you are important.  Plus, people who show up late seem mysterious, like they have something better to do.  Those are the people who stand out.   

When you finally do get around to showing up, make sure you don’t bring anything with you.  It's an interview, not a a housewarming party.  If you absolutely need to to write something down, like your starting salary or the address of the police station where you will need to be picked up, just ask to borrow a pen (they'll have these, its an office) and write it on your hand.

You Talking to Me?

At some point during this whole production, your interviewer will make their first appearance.  When this happens, play it cool, you don't want to seem desperate.  Make sure to avoid eye contact and give no indication at all that you even realize someone else is in the room with you.  Make the interviewer make the first move. 

When they finally break the ice and say hello, don't address them by name (you probably don't remember it anyway), rather use a generic term like “pal” or “buddy” (if the interviewer is a woman “sweetheart” or “honey” will suffice).  Note: never EVER use the term “chief” - you never know if your interviewer might be a “Native American.”

Now that the introductions are out of the way, make yourself comfortable cause this shit is gonna take awhile.

The Art of Meaningless Bullshit - Making Small Talk

So now you're sitting across the table with your soon-to-be mortal enemy - your future boss.  So what the hell do you say?  If you're anything like us, you probably struggle with small talk, finding it to be a completely unnecessary and uncomfortable exercise.  No worries, follow these simple tips and you'll be a bullshitting whiz in no time!!

If you’ve done your research, you'll be well-prepared to kill this part of the interview.  Put all that cyber-stalking to good use and start the discussion off with something like “So, how’s [spouse's name]?” or “Did [insert kids name] win his game on Friday?”  If done correctly, you'll have the interviewer completely off-balance and you'll establish command of the conversation.

Even if you didn’t do your research (why would you, right?), you can still be effective.  Let your eyes wander around the room for some insight into the interviewer's life.  If you can, open a drawer and see what they're hiding.  Once you've zeroed in on something interesting, ask an intensely personal question and, if you can, couple it with an off-color comment.  For example, if you see a wedding picture, say “Is that your wife? She looks wild, I bet your wedding night was fun.”  For effect, wink with your right eye and, if applicable, nudge the interviewer in the ribs with your elbow.  You are now in control.   

You're On Sale - 2 for $1

Once you've tipped the power balance in your favor, your goal is to establish yourself as an honest, trustworthy and engaged.

It's easy to make yourself seem honest and trustworthy, simply lie and agree with everthing they say.  They'll lap it up like a cat drinking milk.  Need practice lying?  Stand in front of the mirror and say nice things about yourself. 

As for being engaged, we know its a tough sell but you’ve got to do your best to at least seem somewhat interested in the position and what the interviewer has to say.  Don't just sit there, try to build some rapport.  Use lots of exaggerated hand motions, lean in, make uncomfortable, extended eye contact and, if you can, when answering questions gently hold and caress the interviewer's hand.

Say What? Answering Interview Questions.

The most important part of any interview is how you answer questions.  Odds are, the interviewer spent at least 5-6 minutes coming up with really challenging questions aimed at getting to the core of who you are.  Your goal is to deflect those questions.  In hockey parlance, be prepared to "stand on your head."

One easy method of deflection is to craftily answer all questions with another question.  For example:

Interviewer: What made you decide to be an attorney?

You: Why wouldn't I want to be an attorney?  Seriously, do you have a better idea?

If you insist on actually responding to what’s asked, remain vague. NEVER USE SPECIFICS! Specifics are the only way they’ll be able to tell you are lying.

You should also take every opportunity (even the slightest) to badmouth your former employer. The interviewer wants to know that you're over your former job and that you won't go crawling back when they realize how great you were and that the new person is just a shallow jerk.

Finally, if you have multiple consecutive interviews with different people, make sure you bring with you whatever you need to keep yourself alert.  For some it might be listening to the first few bars of “I Got A Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas (Mozel Tov!) for others it’s home-made meth. Do whatever works for YOU.

The Morning After

It’s always good form to write a “thank you” note. Email is fine but by hand is so much better. Get a stack of all those magazines you just finished reading, cut out some letters, grab the glue and start writing, "ransom-note" style.  Make sure to include some personal information and well wishes. Something like “Thank you for taking the time to interview me, I hope to work with you in the future.  I also hope that Bobby doesn’t get hurt during his soccer game against this weekend.” A personal touch like that can never fail.

Final note, mail it without a return address from a post office a few towns away. We already told you - people LOVE mystery.

Stay tuned for next time when we give you a special bonus list of questions you can ask during the interview that are guaranteed to knock your future employer for a loop!!

Real Baseball - Belated Reaction to the Giants World Series Victory – Finding Meaning Where There is None

Why is this man so sad?
He just realized all the recent stories aren't about him.

Since Brian Wilson - the crazy Beard Guy, not the crazy Beach Boy - recorded the final out of this year’s world series, we’ve been racking our brain for the meaning of such an improbable run.  We already knew how important pitching was in the postseason (even though the prognosticators seem to fall in love with great line-ups before every postseason), so we found ourselves distracted by the their quirky line-up of cast-offs like Aubrey Huff, Juan Uribe, Cody Ross and World Series MVP Edgar Renteria (say that 15 times and you still won't believe it). It’s understandable, though, because how a team with those guys could ever hit enough to win a title, no matter how good their pitching is?  No matter how compelling a case they made for line-up flexibility, we doubted that teams with the resources and talent to find all-stars we suddenly going to go the route of collecting roll players. 

After several weeks of deep thought (by deep we mean occasional and fleeting), the conclusion we've come to is that San Fran’s triumph is the validation of an organizational philosophy that could continue to shape baseball for the next decade when another way of doing things become popular.  What is this philosophy? It’s all about the drafting, development and hording young power pitchers, primarily through the draft. Sounds simple, right, but not every team does it.

The Giants made their commitment clear, when coming off a 2007 season in which their offense was basically Barry Bonds and nobody else, they turned down an offer from the Toronto Blue Jays of Alex Rios (coming off an All-Star season where he hit .297, with 24 HRs and 85 RBIs) for a pitcher coming off a solid, but not spectacular rookie season (7-5, 4.00 ERA, 150ks). Obviously,the trade looks ridiculous in hindsight given that the pitcher, Tim Lincecum, went on to win the next two Cy Young awards but, its a trade that's been made 1,000 times in baseball history - the young unproven arm for the proven hitter.  So, why the change?

The Giants must have realized that, thanks to things like revenue sharing, smaller market teams starting locking up all the top young pitchers, from Johan Santana to guys like Felix Hernandez, Zach Greinke, &; Josh Johnson, pitchers were becoming the most prized commodity.  No longer would “big market” teams like the Yankees, Red Sox, Mets, etc. be able to treat their peers like farm teams and buy up their proven developed pitchers when they became free agents or just too expensive to retain.  We remember telling The Mrs. that smart teams should exclusively draft pitchers.  It hasn't quite gotten that far yet, but forward thinking teams like the Giants have come close, drafting Matt Cain, Lincecum and Madison Bumgarner in the first rounds of 2002, 2006, & 2007.

Teams that haven't gotten on board yet are left to shop the market of aging starters and second-tier guys.  With the notable exception of C.C. Sabathia two years ago, between arbitration and early extensions, when guys finally get to the open market they’re already 30 and at the tail end of their post-steroid era primes. This year, for example, the Yankees, who haven’t developed a front-line starter of their own since Andy Pettitte, have to decide whether to overpay 33 year-old guys like Cliff Lee to a contract guaranteed to be an albatross by the end or have to overpay 2nd tier pitchers like they did with A.J. Burnett.  The Yanks might be able to handle such things, but almost every other team will set their franchise back 5 years if they whiff on a $100 million player.  Giants fans remember Barry Zito, right?  Not to keep bringing up an irrelevant team like the Mets but when they acquired Johan Santana for his age 29 season and signed him to a massive extension until 2014 (age 35), everyone, including us, applauded the deal. Santana was the best pitcher in the game then but now that he’s pushing 32 with two straight seasons ended with surgery, things aren’t looking so hot. If he continues to struggle with injuries or witnesses the inevitable decline in performance, the Mets will be absolutely screwed, paying a 35 year-old pitcher $25 million a season. Even the Yanks, who don’t have the same financial constraints of mortal teams, couldn’t just go out and buy a replacement because there’s simply no supply.

This has the potential to become the new “Moneyball” (the idea of targeting market inefficiencies, not signing fat guys who walk).  Smart teams will draft as many power arms as possible, even when it comes at the detriment of your positional prospects, put the proper developmental structure in place (maybe even pushing them a little like the Rangers and Giants do, instead of the normal babying) and develop a surplus.  Once they come up with  a surplus, they'll be able to go out and get pretty much anyone they want in the trade market.  The Giants who were smart enough to hold onto Lincecum, draft and resign Matt Cain (before he was the total stud he is now) and pile up guys like Bumgarner and Sanchez, with more in the pipeline, the Red Sox have a nice group of youngens like Lester and Buchholtz, the Bluejays, the Rays could, if they wanted to, today deal any one of many minor league pitchers (not even major league proven guys) for a Top 5 hitter like Ryan Braun or a guy like Prince Fielder.  Plus, many of them can now afford to keep a guy like that because they locked up their pithcers to reasonable contracts early on and don't have to pay open market prices. 

Sure, lots of teams are going to screw this up and commit money to guys who go bust or get hurt, like Kerry Wood or Mark Prior, but the teams who figure out how to do it right are going to be the ones who consistently stay atop the standing, them and the Yankees of course.

Things We Hate - That Creepy Geico Commercial

Are we the only ones who are a little creeped out by this commercial?  We generally like these commercials (where does he keep his wallet and cellphone, he's soo tiny!) but this one is just weird.  For those who work at companies who think they're operating on the eastern side of the Berlin wall, here's the setup - The Gecko is chilling in some hotel with the senile old guy, when he's confronted by a middle-aged woman and then this:

WOMAN: YOU! OH, DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE ME! TOLEDO, '03?

GECKO: NO, IT'S...I...

WOMAN: IT'S TOO LATE STANLEY.

GECKO: ACTUALLY, MISS, MY NAME'S NOT STANLEY.

WOMAN: OH...OH, I AM SO SORRY! FROM BEHIND YOU LOOK JUST LIKE HIM. I'M JUST....[RUSHES AWAY]

GECKO: WELL...I'D HATE TO BE STANLEY.

Shit, we'd hate to be either of them, there are no winners in this one.  How exactly are you supposed to take this commercial?  The obvious implication is that this woman hooks up with a lizards, right?  If not all the time, at least once, she was so desperate for affection while on the road that she and a small, green reptile named Stanley shared a magical night together after he gave her the eye in a hotel bar.  Of course, since he's by nature a slimy little bastard, Stanley didn't even have the common decency to call.  Now she's a woman scorned.  Sure, we know that crazy shit happens in Toledo, but that's totally weird, right? It's like some twisted version of "Up In the Air."  We can't be the only ones who got that.  There wasn't anybody in the pitch meeting who was paying attention enough to say, "hey guys, perhaps we should rethink this one, maybe tone down the bestiality angle just a tad?"  Creepy.

Even if you give them the benefit of the doubt and go beyond the obvious "woman sleeps with gekko" angle, are we supposed to think she had a fling with some dude named Stanley who just happens to look like the Gekko?  If so, that makes Stanley is a 6 inch tall, bald super-midget with some weird skin disease.  Is that really any less creepy?

To be free from such disturbing imagery, you have to get all theoretical and deep.  Not to turn the Geico commercials into "Lost" or anything, but what about the theory (and by "theory" we mean totally made up by us) that the old guy - we'll call him Mr. Geico - is actually "Stanley."  Maybe his dementia has gotten so bad that the he created The Gekko - a manifestation of his subconscious which he sincerely believes is real - and now he's touring the country openly talking to himself and telling people that he's getting such great business advice from his friend.  But, since he's just a harmless old man and everyone kinds feels bad for him, plus this is the most exciting thing to ever happen at a insurance conference, they just let him go about his business and smile politely.  At the end of the run, we'll get a 60-second spot where he realizes the whole thing was in his imagination and we see all the scenes with just him talking and no Gekko.  It'll be just like "Fight Club."  Great theory, right?  No?  Yeah, we don't buy it either, this shit is just plain creepy.

The Persnickety Project - Changing the Way You Watch Commercials Since 2010.

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Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 9



Check out the picture from our new company ID.

 As we mentioned, we got a job.  It's a temp thing reviewing documents, but its work so that's all good.  As part of the interview process (it was a group interview) they had us to a little Socratic-method type thing where we discussed how we'd analyze certain sample documents. No big deal, right?  Well, as part of the process, the interviewers gave the group opportunities to chime in with additional thoughts on the docs.  Anyone who knows us knows that volunteering to talk in front of a group of people is about as fun for us as being beaten with a bamboo cane. 

Yet, for some reason, be it desperation or delirium or what, once the session started we found ourselves almost bounding out of our chair to provide key insights like "We'd say that document is privileged" or "We'd recommend coding that as a hot doc."  We got the job so maybe it was worth it but, for that performance, we ruined our own f'n day.  F us. 

On the bright side, upon hearing the story one of our good friends decided to change the our ring tone on their phone to Tobias Funke's "Douche Chills" line from Arrested Development.  Too bad we never call anybody, the jokes on him!!

On the the football guys ...

1.  Darrell Revis, CB, New York Jets;

After a hold-out that saw him miss the entire preseason and a predictable hamstring injury following said holdout that slowed him the first 8 weeks of the season, Week 9 saw the return to Revis Island (we’re picturing a drunk, strung out Rex Ryan yelling “We have to go Back” at Revis outside JFK airport). In his first week back to shadowing the opponent’s top target, Revis was at his best, absolutely shutting down Calvin Johnson, aka Megatron, (1 catch, 13 yards).  While Johnson is sure to bounce back (even if he’s held back a little by Stafford’s continued shoulder issues. At least Shaun Hill is healthy!?!), we’re seeing a lot of weak performances for big names remaining on the Jets schedule. It’s hard to ever recommend sitting a stud but a match-up with Revis at least gives you pause.  Of course, since Burleson went nuts against the other d-backs (7 for 113 and a touch) if you've got a #2 against the Jets, maybe he becomes a must-start.
2.  Wes Welker, WR, New England Patriots;

Back in the olden days when Randy Moss was only on his second team this season, we wondered what effect his departure would have on everyone’s favorite gritty little Patriots receiver, Mr. Wes Welker.  Early returns were good with Welker pulling in 8 balls in game 1 A.M (After Moss) but since then he’s been a fantasy non-factor. Averaging about 3 catches for 30 yards (including this week’s 4 for 36) and continuing his refusal to score touchdowns. Even in PPR leagues (which have always been his forte) he’s not getting it done. We’re not suggesting you panic and cut him or anything but if you can trade him on name value, we wouldn’t rule it out.

3.  Peyton Hillis, RB, Cleveland Browns;

Apparently Peyton Hillis is an absolute stud. In a league that abhors workhouses like nature abhors a vacuum (which is almost as much as The Mrs.), the Battleship (we, like Mike Golic, have noticed the guns) absolutely thugged the Pats on Sunday with 184 yards on 29 (!) carries with 2 TDs. With that performance (after a few down weeks, topping out at 69 yards) we’re officially convinced that he’s going to be the “Undrafted Guy Who Wins People Their Leagues” due to his propensity to score (7 of 8 games with a TD). In addition to his obvious skills, owners should rest easy with this guy in their line-ups because, even though Cleveland kind of stinks, they always always run the ball.  That alone should give you piece of mind, something not often found in the fantasy game.

4.  Brett Favre, QB, Minnesota Vikings;

Oh Brett. Why can’t you just go away? We thought it was over when we saw you hanging around the waiver wire in our leagues. We thought it was over when we left you on the bench behind Jon Kitna (yeah, we know, terrible call). Nope, just as we thought the long national nightmare was over, the gun slingin, wheenus-pic takin’n, croc-wearin, souther-drawl’n, coach killin’, pick-throwin’, like-a-kid-out-there bein’ old man led the Vikes to a ridiculous 4th quarter comeback and threw for a career-high (that’s right, in his 19th year, even the skeptics are impressed) 446 yards. Of course, he still threw 2 picks but he is apparently still worthy of fantasy consideration. We’re not ones to put it past him to put together a strong run of games to end the season (particularly if they keep throwing shorter passes) and if he does, he could be a difference maker for your team. Even without Moss on Sunday, the offense looked ok, Percy Harvin continues to excel (9 catches for 126 yards), Sidney Rice may be back soon and we even had a Bernard Berrian sighting (9, 89). If you’re stuck with a struggling QB or stupidly entrusted your team in Favre early on, take notice.

5.  Ray Rice, RB, Baltimore Ravens;

Finally ... we guess.  Not sure what it says about our reconfigured expectations for the greatest player in Rutgers football history but Sunday's performance (22 carries for 83 yards plus 7 catches for 97 yards) is certainly cause for excitement for Rice owners.  Rice's rushing performances have been only mediocre this season (only a single 100 yard game) but that's not his what makes him special anyway.  What set Rice apart last season was his ability to catch the ball out of the backfield and accumulate all that sneaky extra yardage (and points in PPR leagues).  After racking up 78 catches for over 700 yards last season he's only on pace for 60 and less than 500 this year.  If his 7 catches mark a return to his prior form, owners can go back to expecting what they paid for at the start of the season - a dominant #1 running back.

6.  Eli Manning, QB, New York Giants;

We've avoided talking about Eli's excellent start to the season for fear of jinxing him but after another excellent performance (290 yards, 3 TDs) in Seattle this week (note to Seahawk fan, whoever you are, Charlie Whitehurst might look like jesus but he's not your savior), we can't fight the feeling anymore.  At the halfway point in the season, Eli sits in the Top 5 in completion percentage (65% a big step up from his career 57%) and touchdowns, Top 10 in yards and quarterback rating and has thrown 2 or more touchdowns in 6 of 8 games.  Having watched the games, we can tell you most of the 11 picks weren't his fault.  He's on pace to set career highs in yards (4,150) and touchdowns (34) and has made himself from a borderline rosterable guy to a bonafide fantasy starter.  So, what's the catch?  We didn't bring you all the way out here just to tell you how much we love little Manning, did we?  The catch is that Eli's had hot starts before but has always cooled down with the weather.  Once the winds and the New Giants Stadium start kicking up, we'll know whether this is his true breakout or just another version of the same old story. 

7.  The Good, The Who and The WFT, Various;

The Good comes in the form of one Jacob Tamme, the Colts new tight end.  Maybe Dallas Clark wasn't all that special after all, apparently the Colts can just plug anyone in and go about their business. After a solid debut performance (6 catches, 64 yards, 1 TD), Tamme exploded against the Eagles with performance that rivals any we've seen by a TE so far this season this side of Antonio Gates - 11 catches, 108 yards, 1 TD.  To top it off he was targeted an amazing 17 times by Sir Peyton.  If you haven't gotten him by now, unless you have the aforementioned Gates, pick him up immediately.

The Who is Archbishop Syi Ajiritutu, the wide receiver from San Diego.  The 6' 3" 211 lb rookie from Fresno State filled it admirably for the Chargers 1st-63st string receivers with 111 yards and 2 TDs on only 5 catches.  After big performances from guys like Malcolm Floyd, Patrick Crayton and Legadu Naanee, the lesson is, if you need a guy, start whoever you think might be the Chargers #2 target (behind Gates of course) in any given week might be. 


The WTF goes to our boy Steve Johnson the bills wideout.  We can't quite get our minds around the fact that the Bills a team with a complete lack of a running attack and the only winless team in the league have actually produced guys who can be fantasy contributors.  In addition to Mr. Ivy League, Ryan Fitzpatrick, who keeps stretching his 15 minutes of fantasy relevance beyond any logical limit, Johnson has caught touchdown passes in 5 of 8 games and had two huge performances, including this weeks 11 for 145.  Like we said, WTF?

Thanks for reading, remember we're always intersted in your feedback via email, comments, whatever.  Don't hold back - except if its mean, then hold back.  If your a friend, or family (by blood, marriage or soon to be marriage) and you're not a follower yet - what are you waiting for?  Join the party.  Also, if you think we're great or that we suck, tell your friends, our ego won't be satisfied until everyone had read our deep, deep thoughts. 

Baseball - Hot Stove Predictions That Are Already Wrong

If The Persnickety Project can be called any two things (besides tedious, of course) they have to be: (1) responsive; and (2) forward thinking. Our lone wolf commenter has been begging and pleading for additional baseball content since our brilliant pre-playoff piece on the historical significance of the Phillies Three-headed Pitching Monster (answer = none), so why not take a shot at making potentially disastrous predictions about what some of the big teams (by big teams we mean the ones we know most about/know our readers might be interested in) will do this off season and then look at some of the other Top 50 Free Agents (via Si.com).

As with most years, only a handful of teams figure to be active in free agency.  As usual, the Yankees and Red Sox lead the way but other teams like the Tigers (getting some significant money off their payroll),  Angels (coming off a surprising down season) and the White Sox (Kenny Williams is always aggressive) figure to be prominent members of the market.

As for our World Series Champion San Francisco Giants, they'll continue to not be big spenders, mostly content to resign guys like Aubrey Huff and Juan Uribe.  Let's also not go crazy thinking that we might be seeing some sort of trend with a team of interchangeable role-players winning the title.  Sure, it's nice when a bunch of castoffs can all get just hot enough at the same time to score enough runs, but the Giants won on pitching (as it always is).  The two years prior saw the Yanks and Phils take home the trophy, not exactly teams filled with no-names.  So don't expect the year-in-year out contenders to start dumping their stars for the chance at more line-up flexibility.  What you should expect is that the team that gets the best pitching and most timely hitting in the month of October will win, not necessarily the best team.  You build a team to win the regular season so that you have a chance to get into the lottery that is the postseason.  Once you get there anything can happen, there's no big secret. 

New York Yankees

Like every year, the off-season discussion begins with the 500 pound gorilla of baseball, the New York Yankees. Before the season, as some were fawning over the acquisition of Javier Vazquez and lauding the depth of the Yankees pitching, we told anyone who would listen (mostly ourselves and The Mrs.) that their pitching would be a problem.  We couldn’t see how a team with their payroll could be comfortable with A.J. Burnett as their #2 starter and the still-developing Phil Hughes and a 127 year-old Andy Pettitte as key members of their playoff rotation. For once, we were right. Despite Pettite’s stellar season, the rotation didn’t come through against the Rangers and the Yanks limped off the field looking old and tired. The Evil Empire now finds itself faced with two major issues: (1) how to fortify their starting pitching; and (2) how to stop being so damn old. Those issues are embodied by the two players who will dominate all Yankee-related story lines this off season.

To fix their pitching, it comes down to one guy - Lee, Cliff. Their interest isn’t in doubt after almost giving up their top hitting prospect (catcher Jesus Montero) as part of an in season trade.  Neither is need, in fact, the Yanks seem almost desperate. Lee is the only top of the rotation starter available as a free agent (a guy like Zach Greinke could be had via trade, but there are doubts he’d handle New York well) meaning both he and his agent know the Yankees need him and desperation (or the perception thereof) is never a good thing when it comes to free agency. In addition to New York, Lee figures to chased by Anaheim, Detroit and, of course, the emotional pull of staying in Texas which will drive the price up but, ultimately, we don’t see how the Yankees get outbid. They never do. Additionally, Lee seems like a guy who wants to win and when he looks at it, he’ll realize that New York, a team that makes the playoffs virtually every year, gives him the best chance to do so. A chance to play with best buddy C.C. Sabathia doesn’t hurt either. Cashman will probably try to keep the deal in the 4-5 year range and will raise the yearly amount to get it done (particularly since Lee is going to be 33 next season) but we think, if push comes to shove, he goes to 6 years confident that Lee’s reliance on control and approach rather than power stuff will keep with age. If it comes to that, Yankees are the only ones who can absorb the final years of even the worst contracts and which they’ll gladly trade for another title or two. We expect something in the 5 year, $120m range and a 2011 playoff rotation of Sabathia, Lee, Pettitte (we think he comes back one a one year deal) and whoever is pitching better between Hughes/Burnett.

The Yankee’s second off season issue, the issue of age, is embodied by their long time captain Derek Jeter. First off, there's no way in hell (particularly with George watching from down there) that he doesn’t come back. The money is pretty much immaterial, no matter what they pay it’s not going to preclude them from doing anything else and they can’t afford to NOT sign him. They might as well just call it a special “fan relations” expense because they won’t be paying for production. The real question is what do they do with him? After a resurgent year in 2009, Jeter’s 2010 season looked like one that an aging SS would put together, hitting only .270 and making up one half of the slowest left side of an infield we’ve seen in awhile.  3-4 years at about $20m per seems reasonable with him staying at shortstop one more year (two max) before beginning to split time between the outfield and DH (they'd like to keep the spot open for guys like A-Rod and Posada so they can have some flexibility in the line-up and the field).  Though it will never happen we think switching Jeter and Cano is the ideal solution and keeps the Yanks from having to sacrifice either speed (Gardner) or power (Swisher) by having Jeter take an OF spot.

Resigning Jeter and having to keep a spot open for him somewhere else, really hampers the Yanks ability to get younger at any position of note. Absent a trade of Swisher (he’s really their only movable part) for a younger proven player, the sole source of youth has to come from Jesus Montero. Montero profiles as an elite middle-of-the-order bat (think Miguel Cabrera-esq) who is said to be ready to contribute now on offense (he hit .351 in the second half as the 20-year-old in AAA) but remains below-average defensively. The Yanks announced this morning that Posada would play primarily at DH this season so they're clearly making room for Montero on the roster.  He'll likely split time with Cervelli and, if his bat is as good as advertised, become part of the DH rotation with Posada and the rest of the oldies.

Boston Red Sox

When you talk Yankees, you have to talk Red Sox. Unlike past years, the two rivals won't likely going head-to-head on any key players this off season, but the Sox have decisions galore to make anyway. They already picked up the $13.5m option for Big Papi and while he might be overpaid this year, it allows them to keep him for another season and put off the painful decision to re-sign him to a longer-term deal or part ways for at least another year. Shrewd move by Theo.

Their next priority is to figure out what to do with their two big free agents – Victor Martinez and Adrian Beltre. Since Martinez qualifies as an unmitigated disaster behind the plate and they already have Youklis for one of the corner IF spots (though some question if he can still play third) and Papi as at least a ¾ time DH, they can only really resign one of them. We guess they re-sign V-Mart because he’s a legit switch-hitting middle of the order type guy and have him split time between 1st/C, let Beltre walk, and try to move Youk back across the diamond. They’ll also continue to chase guys like Adrian Gonzalez or Prince Fielder and, if they land one, deal with the potential log-jam until they let Papi go next year. Bottom line, they’ll value flexibility over anything else.

The Sox will also go hard after an OF bat. Rumors have them chasing Werth because of his propensity to take pitches but we think Carl Crawford should be their guy. Rumors have him potentially heading to Anaheim but our guess is Boston doesn’t let him out of the division. He’s only 29 and, despite his reputation as a base stealer, has a varied skill set coming off a season where he hit 3rd for a team with the best record in the league and raised his homerun output to a career-high 19 this season. Add in the fact that he’s known as a tireless worker and a big time defender and he’ll be as worth the money as any player could be. Sox fans will love watching him slap double after double off the monster and ripping triples into Pesky corner while hitting second behind Pedroia and in front of Youk, V-Mart and Papi.

Also look for Papelbon’s name to be mentioned in trade rumors, particularly with NL teams, but stay put for his final year in Boston (before signing with the Yankees after Rivera retires next season).

Philadelphia Phillies

Continuing the theme of big teams with little flexibility, we come to the Phillies. They apparently maxed out their payroll in acquiring Halladay and Oswalt to the point where they’ll be forced to let Jayson Werth walk baring some unforeseen changes. Fortunately they have Domonic Brown waiting in the wings. The only problem with Brown, which isn’t really his problem but that of the team, is that he's another lefty in an already righty weak line-up. The Phils real problem is the rotting corpse wearing Raul Ibanez’s jersey in left field. Ideally, they’d move Ibanez, replace him with Brown and keep Werth around for a few more years. Not going to happen. They really can’t move his contract without eating most of it and if they do that, they wouldn’t have the money to pay Werth anyway. The best course of action might be to sign a discount righty OF bat ((Magglio Ordonez to a one-year “show me your healthy” deal?) to platoon and hope Ibanez gets off to a good start and becomes movable, making room for Brown in left.

New York Mets

It’s fun to pretend like the Mets are interesting or important. Too bad it’s only pretend. This off season will likely be a quiet one for the Mets, another big budget team with little to no positional flexibility just without the on field results of the others we just discussed.  They’re locked in at most of their positions and in dire need of pitching, the one thing the market doesn’t have. The bottom line for the Mets is hopefully the organizational realization that another off-season of spending isn’t going to fix things long term.

Still, they might compete this season. We’d expect Beltran to make a strong contract push with a bounce back season, Bay and Reyes to be better than awful/injured, Ike Davis to improve and Angel Pagan and David Wright to continue to be the lone bright spots.  In an attempt to appease the fans, they’ll probably spend some money on pitching. While Cliff Lee is above their pay grade, they’d be best served to resign R.A. Dickey and target a guy like Huroki Kuroda or even Javy Vazquez (he can pitch in the NL East) to pair with Santana (provided he's back quickly from season ending shoulder surgery), Pelfrey, and Neise or get really creative and look closely at Brandon Webb’s shoulder. What’s more likely is them shopping in the “Guys Certain to Disappoint” section for the likes of Jake Westbrook, Brad Penny, Rich Harden, and Jon Garland.  Either way, after Beltran walks next year and Santana is yet another year older, they're going to take a major step back and hopefully start a real rebuilding process that gets them to a sustainable level of success. We're not optimistic.

Now that we got those teams out of the way, let's look at some of the other big free agents and where we think they'll go.

Jayson Werth: (age) 31, (position) OF – (2010 stats) .296/.388/.532, 27 HRs, 85 RBIs, 13 SBs

We already made it clear we think there' sno way he's back in Philadelphia. Early reports link him to Boston (we're sure the Boston fans would just love another guy who seems like he doesn't care that much) but we think they should target the younger, more dynamic Crawford.  Werth is a tall and ridiculously athletic all around player who might not have yet realized his full power potential so, despite being 31, there's some upside here.  Our guess is that he ends up in Detroit. The Tigers have money to spend this off-season and if and when they get shut out on Lee and Crawford, they'll come at Werth with big offer. The Angels could also be in the mix if they get beat out for Crawford.   He's not a superstar but he'll be a productive member of someones line-up for the next 4 years, not a bad consolation prize.

Adrian Beltre: 31, 3B - .321/.365/.553, 28 HRs, 102 RBIs, 2 SBs

Beltre did what he does best, kill it in a walk year. He went to Boston, hit .320, clubbed 28 home runs and continued to play perhaps the best 3B in the majors and now hits the market as what seems like an old 31 (he's been around forever, right?).  We think he's better than he was in Seattle but not as good as he was last year, but he'll want to be paid for his peak performance. For that reason Boston let's him go and he ends up manning the hot corner for the the Los Angeles Angles of Anaheim.  The Halos come off a rare down year so they'll be looking hard to reload and can't feel comfortable with Brandon Wood continuing to suck at third.  Beltre would be a nice fit in the friendly atmosphere of SoCal and put together another 4 years of excellent defense and uneven offensive output (until his next walk year, of course.)

Adam Dunn: 31, 1B/DH - .260/.356/.536, 38 HRs, 103 RBIs, 0 SBs

Dunn does one thing well, hit, very well.  Dunn gets on base and hits for power at a prodigious rate but doesn't seem all that concerned with anything else, like defense or winning.  You know, those pesky things. We guess he stays put in Washington were he's comfortable, despite serious interest from teams like Detroit and the Chicagos, continues to do what he does without anyone paying too much attention. For Washington, resigning Dunn at least gives their fans a hint that they're going to try to compete until Harper and Strasburg get up/back to the bigs.

Paul Konerko: 35, 1B - .312/.393/.584, 39 HRs, 111 RBIs, 0 SBs

What do you make of a 35 year old coming off a .312, 39 hr, 111 rbi season? Damned if we know.  If you give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's not on the juice, you can't reasonably suspect he'll do it again next year. Of course, he'll be looking to be paid like he will and we suspect he’s going to be one of the most overvalued free agents on the market.  Despite interested from teams like Detroit, Anaheim and maybe even Arizona, he's played his entire career on the South Side and, though it's eminently boring to suggest it, he's likely to stay put for a few more years.

Jorge de la Rosa: 29, SP - 8-7, 4.22 ERA, 1.32 WHIP, 8.4 K/9

This guy will win the award for worst contract this year.  He's got ridiculous stuff (we remember always trying to develop him in the old MVP Baseball games when he was a prospect with the Brewers), he’s only 29 so he doesn’t have a ton of mileage on him and he strikes a ton of guys out (8.4 K/ last season).  Of course he has had injury problems and only seemed to get things together last year in what was (surprise!) a contract push and even then he still pitched to a plus-4 ERA (in the year of the pitcher when about 1,000 guys were under 3).  The perfect recipe for contractual disaster.  Texas could be interested when they lose out on Lee but we think some borderline team looking to make a splash like the Cubs or White Sox or Astros overpays for him immediately regrets the deal, paying for potential that never quite pans out.

Rafael Soriano: 31, RP - 3-2, 1.73 ERA, 0.80 WHIP, 8.2 K/9, 45 SVs

The Rays won the damn AL East and fans still didn’t come.  The result?  Lowering payroll this season and certainly letting Soriano walk in addition to Crawford and likely Pena.  It's kind of sad really but the team just can't compete financially and they went all-in this year and came up short.  Relief pitchers always seem to be the worst free agent values available since even the big names rarely stay consistent enough to justify the investment they require, e.g. K-Rod.  Still, somebody is going to pay Soriano a lot after a season were we was probably the best closer in the AL.  We guess he stays in the AL and but moves to either to the central time zone with White Sox (our guess is they’re done with Jenks and his fatness) or goes west to join an aggressive Angles squad that whiffed on Brian Fuentes.

Carlos Pena: 32, 1B - .196/.325/.407, 28 HRs, 84 RBIs, 5 SBs

The expectation is that Pena will follow those other guys out the door in Tampa but we think he could be the one guy who stays. He’s known as a good clubhouse presence and hits for power, two commodities in short supply in Baseball Siberia so he'd certainly be welcomed back. We’d love to think that his .196 average scares off teams to keeps the price low enough to allow Tampa to be competitive in the bidding (they'd have to trade off James Shields to clear some room) and Pena decides he wants to stay home in south Florida (until they move to Vegas, of course). If that’s just wishful thinking (which it probably is) look for the Cubs to get into the mix along with teams like the Tigers and the White Sox (if Konerko leaves).

Carl Pavano: 35, SP - 17-11, 3.75 ERA, 1.20 WHIP, 4.8 K/9

What’s more shocking that Carl Pavano makes a list of top free agents or that he’s 35 years old? It seems like just yesterday he was a 28-year old with an injured ass missing 4 seasons with the Yankees. No mystery here, for better or for worse, he’s staying in Minnesota.

Hiroki Kuroda: 36, SP - 11-13, 3.39 ERA, 1.16 WHIP, 7.3 K/9

As we said above, this is they guy for the Mets to target.  He’s the type of low risk, medium reward pitcher that a team hoping to contend needs.  He’d give them consistently solid starts with a chance to win most games out and is well suited to pitch in a big park like City Field.  

Derek Lee: 35, 1B - .260/347/.428, 19 HRs, 80 RBIs, 1 SB

SI.com suggests Lee for the Orioles and we agree.  Sure, he's nowhere near the MVP-contender he was in his one huge year but he’s still a good defensively with decent power (Camden Yards might even help that out a bit) and could be the type of professional Buck Showalter would want to add to his very young locker room.  It's corny but sometimes young teams benefit greatly from a veteran presence.  A good option on a short-term deal.

Brandon Webb: 31, SP – (career) 87-62, 3.27 ERA, 1.24 WHIP, 7.3 K/9

No clue where Webb ends up but he’s one of the most fascinating guys on the market. He’s missed the better part of two seasons with somewhat mysterious shoulder problems but he’s still a former Cy Young winner with the potential to be dominant when healthy. Every team in the league should be looking very closely at his shoulder, knowing that they can get him on the cheap and, if he can get back, add an ace to their staff.  Even if he came back at 80% of what he used to be, he'd still be a winning pitcher.  Expect one of the contenders to take a shot and look to bring him into the rotation in June to serve as their mid-season acquisition.

Manny Ramirez: 38, OF/DH - .298/.409/.460, 9 HRs, 42 RBIs, 1 SB

ManRam might be an idiot, a clubhouse cancer and all that other crap but the guy can hit (he almost certainly has to stay in the AL since he’s an absolute disaster in the field).  After a up and down season, if he realizes he's going to have a take a major pay cut (if he doesn't he could end up playing in the Japanese league like AI in Tuirkey) he's the kind of guy a borderline team, like the A's, could scoop up and plug in the middle of their line-up.  Another option could be the Angles who could take a shot hoping he provides some of the line-up orotection they missed after letting Vlad go last year.

Hideki Matsui: 36, DH - .274/.361/.459, 21 HRs, 84 RBIs, 0 SBs

This is the guy the Rays should target. Matsui struggled at the start of his first season with Anaheim but really turned it on in the second half and finished with representative numbers. He’d be the perfect fit for a team looking to replace power and remains a middle of the order threat. We’ve always loved Harry and we think all the Yankee fans that go to Rays games would too.

Rich Harden: 29, SP, 5-5, 5.58 ERA, 1.66 WHIP, 7.3 K/9

Finally, our boy Rich Harden.  He's only on here because he's a charter member of our “Man Crush All Stars” and we can't seem to let the memories of his dominant 1/2 seasons in Oakland go.  He's only 29 and when he’s healthy he can be dominant.  The catch is, of course, he’s never ever healthy.  His best fit would be an NL team that plays in a big ballpark (Mets anyone? Forget it, that might be too much for us to handle) and somebody with a smaller payroll, say the Dodgers or the Padres, will take a chance on his upside.  Chances are they'll end up puzzled and disappointed just like we are after every single fantasy season.