Things We Hate - Jared The Subway Guy Running the NYC Marathon

"Who wants to get in my pants?
Don't be shy, there's plenty of room for both of us."

As we're sure you've heard by now (thanks to a particularly annoying and ubiquitous ad campaign), Jared Fogle - the Subway Guy - ran the New York City marathon.  Good for him, but we are so goddamn tired of your commercials and Subway's blatant and continuous pimping of this guy for no good reason.

Breaking news: Skinny Guy Runs Marathon!!

Let's make one thing clear, we're not here to shit on Jared or anyone who has the intestinal fortitude to do all the training required to run a marathon.  We know a bunch of people who have and do run marathons and we have all the respect in the world for them (that says a lot considering how little we respect anything else here at The Persnickety Project).  It's not something we could probably do, but what annoys the crap out of us is all the manufactured fanfare and hero-making (pun not intended but accepted) that Subway has done.   

How does this warrant TV and radio commercials and newspaper articles?  Particularly, a radio commercial that had the balls to insult our collective intelligence by asking (hopefully rhetorically) whether Jared might next climb Mt. Everest or perhaps kayak across the Pacific Ocean.  (We're quite sure that's next on his list right after he gets that sweet chicken teriyaki sub that he apparently eats for 3 meals a day.)  It's not like 45,000 other people ran the damn thing.  Or that thousands of other marathons are run in this country every year.  We don't even have any friends but we know two different people who have run more than one marathon each this year alone.  Not exactly a singular accomplishment. 

Are we supposed to be inspired because he used to be overweight?  As we've said before, we could give two shits if someone is heavy.  Sure, its awesome that over 10 years ago he lost like 250 lbs by eating mediocore sandwiches and walking and then got rich when Subway latched onto his story and magically turned their restaurant into a  "healthy" alternative.  That should be an inspiration for everyone (especially the rich part).  But the point is, he used to be a fat dude.  Ne isn't anymore.  Its not even like he lost all kinds of wait during the training.  He's been skinny for a damn decade.  Subway - Let it Go!!

You know what's worse?  We've been to a few marathons and we've seen plenty of actual big people running and finishing the races.  How about we salute them.  How about we do a commercial about the 45-year old mother of 3, who's carrying around 25 years and 30 extra pounds of baby weight, who cranks it in under 5 hours.  That shit is inspirational!!  Call us mean but throwing a party for a former fat dude who came in 36,968th place doesn't exactly remind us of "Hoosiers" or even "The Replacements." 

Finally, while we are fully aware that the goal is to finishing and time isn't supposed to be important but does 5 hours, 13 minutes really earn you a commercial where a bunch of sports stars like Michael Strahan, Laila Ali and some tiny gymnastics person (who is identifiable only because she is actually wearing a gymnastics leotard and standing next to a balance beam) congratulate your for your accomplishment?  Come on, despite apparently beginning training in January (with presumably the best trainers Subway could afford), he only managed to finish less than a half-hour faster than the Chilean miner who just spent 69 DAYS STUCK UNDERGROUND IN A FUCKING MINE.  That's only 2 steps better then beating out a freshly woken-up coma patient with your final kick.  Oprah ran it faster.  Lance Armstrong ran it with no nuts.  The Mrs. ran a marathon in less time.  She didn't get her own commercial.  All she got were a bunch of complaints about how our legs were aching from following her around and a text message from Brett Favre that, for some reason, she never let us see but, for some reason, she still has saved on her phone.  Wait a second .....