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| How you gonna pay your bills? Straight Cash Homey!! |
With all that goodness, why interrupt our unemployed nirvana? Those goddamn bills. Absent finding a way to get paid for doing this (if you have any ideas email us – thepersnicketyproject@gmail.com) we’ve come to the conclusion that we’re going to have to work for pretty much the rest of our lives. Apparently sitting around all day thinking up new asinine things to complain about isn’t a realistic career goal. Who knew? So this week we want to extend a big F U to all our bills for ruining our days of unemployed bliss.
Screw you to our mortgage for giving us both a place to keep our crap so we can both buy more crap and a place to sink all our hard earned money into fixing and/or changing its appearance before we do it all over again in two years.
Kiss our ass car payments, you’re the Catch-22 of bills – we bought you so we could get to work now we have to work to keep you.
Suck it cell phone bill, why do we pay you, we don’t even answer our phone.
Finally, to hell with you student loans; seven years of paying for higher education in two subjects we hate only to realize our dream job involves sitting on the couch writing. Money well spent.
Now, on to more important things like Fantasy Football
1. Randy Moss, WR, Whothefuckknows;
This is one of those rare times when fantasy football imitates real football – owning Randy Moss gets you burned. Not only has the consensus preseason #2 overall wide receiver not even been starter-worthy most weeks – the low water mark being a 0 catch shutout in Week 4 - but he’s been traded (in the league that abhors such things) and now cut. (How does a third round pick for four games of Randy Moss feel Vikings fans? Probably a lot like spending a second on him in a fantasy draft.) So much for the theory that some combination of renewed motivation and a quarterback who was sure to force the ball down field would rejuvenate ol' Randy. His underwhelming return to New England Sunday (1 catch, 8 yards, one blown touchdown catch after he gave up on a ball that fell approximately 3 cm from him after a pass interference call) left us wondering whether he would ever get back to the level of production some, including us, expected in his return to purple. Sure the Pats rolled coverage but we can’t help but think the old Moss would have made them pay regardless. Now Monday’s news that the he was waived by the Vikings (read: straight up cut) after his little outburst in which he declared he wouldn’t talk to reporters and complained that his input on the game plan wasn’t heeded, simply means fantasy owners have a problem of a different color. So what do we make of the latest Moss drama? It could be a good thing since things can’t get much worse. Look, Minnesota is a sinking ship right now (not to be confused with their past life as a sexing boat) with the Gunslinger was all slung out after literally taking one on the chin in the 4th quarter, and Moss, a notorious front-runner, was probably looking for a way out anyway. Assuming Moss finds quick employment (guys with his talent don’t stay unemployed for long) with a team like the Rams or (gasp!) the Pats, maybe he’s motivated (there’s that word again) for the remaining 9 games to prove he’s still got something left and, more importantly, assure one last big payday. For now, however, you’re screwed, you can’t cut him, you can’t trade him, you just let him sit on your bench and hope he’s ready to make an impact if you get lucky enough to make the playoffs.
2. David Garrard, QB, Jacksonville Jaguars;
You own the injured Tony Romo or the abysmal Brett Favre or one of the many quarterbacks on a bye this week. So, as you’re scouring the waiver wire, trying not to vomiting in your own mouth, you whittle your choices down to Ryan Fitzpatrick and David Garrard. You talk yourself into Fitzpatrick, the Harvard kid (he’s wicked smart!), who’s the hot pick-up of the week coming off a 300+ yard performance against Baltimore and plug him into your line-up. You don’t feel great but desperate times call for desperate measures, right? Fitzpatrick, of course, disappoints (223 yard, 1 TD, 1 pick) because that’s what Ryan Fitzpatrick’s’ do. Your second choice, however, somehow manages to complete 80% of his passes and throw for 260 yards and FOUR TOUCHDOWNS against a supposedly formidable Cowboy defense (they’re gonna play good any day now, right Jerry?). That’s when you’re reminded why you hate fantasy football so much. Is this performance by Garrard just a mirage? Well, consider that Garrard now has 4 games with more than 2 TD passes. Then consider these two countervailing considerations: (1) he’s only thrown for over 200 yards once (this week); and (2) David Garrard sucks. We generally prefer passers who are both the focal point of their offenses and don’t suck. You make the call.
3. Donavan McNabb, QB, Washington Redskins;
So, Donovan, are missing Coach Reid yet? Maybe after your new Coach, Strokeface Shannahan, basically said you’re on the same workout plan as Andy? It’s fantasy owners who should be mad at McNabb. He’s been awful this year but, based on his reputation combined with that of Shanahan’s “QB-friendly” offense (we imagine there are rainbows all over the playbook), he’s somehow still on people’s rosters. We’re here for an intervention. Hopefully this week’s performance (210 yards, 1 TD, 1 int) and subsequent benching in favor of awfulness personified, Rex Grossman, will convince everyone that their relationship with Donovan is unhealthy and destructive. You say you can quit him anytime you want? Go ahead, cut him right now then. We’re watching.
4. Jonathan Stewart, RB, Carolina Panthers;
There used to be a time that, when one of them was inevitably injured, the healthy Panther back, Steward or DeAngelo Williams, would automatically become a Top 10 play. It was the game you’d play with these guys. With Williams out on Sunday, Steward, who rushed for over 1,000 yards and 10 TDs last season in part time, figured primed to break out. Or not. 14 carries and only 30 yards later we’re forced to conclude that, at least for this season, the Panthers offense is in complete meltdown mode, Chernobyl-style. Stay away and avoid any unsightly mutations to your weekly line-up.
5. New York Jets & Green Bay Packers, Offense;
Apparently when these two get together for a Sunday game at the New Giants Stadium there are no winners. Thankfully FOX and Cablevision settled their dispute on Saturday night, just in time for us to be able to watch this 9-0 atrocity for 3 hours (defense may win championships but it doesn’t prevent naps). With the possible expectation of Greg Jennings (6 catches, 81 yard) not a single player made a fantasy impact – Aaron Rodgers (170 yards), Mark Sanchez (256 yard, 2 picks), LaDanian Tomlinson (54 yards), Brandon Jackson (55 yards, but we already knew he sucked), SanAntonio Holmes (3 for 43), Donald Driver (0, nada, nothing, zippo, left with injury) and finally Dewey Edwards (1 catch for 32 yards). Yuck, yuck and double yuck. Everyone probably gets back on track next week but for this one day everyone sucked.
6. Tim Tebow, QB, Denver Broncos;
Knowshon Moreno can’t help but wonder why Josh McDaniels is so overcome with the Passion of the Tebow. If you own Moreno you’re desperate after having wasted a relatively high pick (or perhaps a keeper spot) on him as a breakout candidate. You hope that maybe he can finally put together a solid performance across the pond against the 49ers. Unfortunately for you, you forgot that the Broncos run about as well as a man with no legs, and by the time they have the ball on the 1 in the third, you realize only a TD can save you from complete mediocrity (11 carries, 40 yards). Still, with the ball on the 1, you feel good, Moreno is sure to get the carry, unless ... oh my god, that’s Tim Tebow’s music (church organ plays). Yep, the Lamb of God stole that goal line carry, floated into the end zone like the messiah on water and turned Knowshon’s line to crap. Obviously Tebow is no fantasy factor but any value Moreno might have had going forward is diminished even more if Tebow adds vulture to his list of accomplishments.
7. LeGarrette Blount, RB, Tampa Bay Buccaneers;
The Bucs-Cards game was like the bizarro version of the Jets-Pack, two awful teams but all kinds of notable performances both good - Breaston (8, 147), Fitzgerald (6, 72, 2 TDs) and Mike Williams (4, 105, 1 TD) – and bad (Max Hall pretending to be an NFL QB). Still the star of all stars was our man LeGarrette “Bad News” Blount (we just gave him that nickname 4 seconds ago) and his 22 carry, 120 yard, 2 TD performance that included a sick Edwin Moses hurdle over a defender which essentially salted the game away for the Bucs in the 4th quarter. You might know Blount from his previous star turn as a knock-out artist after he jaw-jacked a Boise State player (and the attempted to fight the entire stadium, including his own team) after a loss by Oregon last season. If you haven’t seen it yet, check it out – totally worth it for the look of shock on the kids face as he crumbles to the blue turf. After missing half the season and going undrafted, Bad News (we’re really gonna push this one) found himself in the enviable position of backing up the rusted-out Cadillac Williams and, as the season progressed, began to steal carries away. This week was obviously the big break through and while we don’t think the Bucs are for real (it’s quite possible Raheem Morris is the only one who does), Blount is a guy you have to target. Backs who dominate the carries are few and far between so ever ones on crappy teams need to be snapped up quick.
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