Fantasy Football - You Ruind My F'n Day - Week 11

On Sunday afternoon, we went down to our Grandmother-In-Law's (GIL for short) house for dinner on Sunday (don't worry, it was on the express condition that the Giants-Eagles game was not to be missed).  She lives down in South Jersey - with the emphasis on South.  We're not talking South Jersey as defined by people from North Jersey who think anything below the Driscoll bridge is Alabama or even the South Jersey around places like Cherry Hill.  We're referring to the part of South Jersey - Gloucester Countyish - that really makes you wonder whether the Mason-Dixon line makes a special loop just below Camden.  It's weird down there and its not just the plethora of Eagles fans.

As if we needed further proof of the area's weirdness, as we’re pulling into the driveway we saw our GIL’s bear ass right out in the front yard.  Hold on, wait, not in the Steve Harvey Family Feud nekked grandma kind of way but like this:


Check out our Granny-In-Law's Bear Ass

 

Yeah, that's right those are wooden "sculptures" of bears made from tree stumps (there's a raccoon too).  They're owned by the neighbors and are positioned across the property line between the two houses.   Do you believe that shit? 

As you can imagine, due to the life-like appearance of these wooden winnies, we immediately freaked out and grabbed the sawed-off shotgun we keep under the passengers seat to protect the family (we took out the head raccoon).  Once we were able to settle down, however, we were really able to sit back and admire them for what they are - pure art.  Just look at the craftsmanship.  They're just beautiful, really breathtaking in person.  The best part?  Each and everyone of these little guys are facing away from her house - forming a bear-ass chorus line for her to see every morning when she goes out to get the paper.  Simply stunning.

Apparently the wooden-tree-stump-animal thing has become a phenomenon in the area and they're popping up all over the place, including something referred to as "3 bears and a flagpole" (our guess is that it's a recreation of the "Iwo Jima Memorial" with bears in marine uniforms).  If anyone wants the contact info for the artist responsible for creating these masterpieces, let us know.  Remember everyone the Christmas season is upon us and who isn't in he market for a gift certain to enrage your neighbors?

Speaking of being enraged, let's look at a few of the most interesting stories of the fantasy football week.

1.  Tyler Thigpen, QB, Miami Dolphins;

Why Tyler Thigpen - a guy who threw for a measly 187 yards and no touchdowns?  Well, because his 27 yards rushing lead the team that brought the Wildcat to NFL audiences and ran the ball on seemingly everyone and still employs two former 1,000 yard backs.  The Dolphins offense has become a disaster and their run game is falling apart.  While we doubt that anyone had super-high hopes for either Ronnie Brown or Ricky Williams, in a year where top-flight runners were few and far between, you probably expected to at least get solid production.  Instead you ended up with one-half of a pile of crap that combined for 11 yards on 6 carries on Thursday night.  Put aside you amazement that the team would only run the ball 6 times in a game that they trailed 6-0 at half, and ask yourself whether either of these guys should even be on your team.  We say no, unless one of them gets severely injured.  After 11 weeks, they’ve split carriers almost evenly and combined for less than 900 yards, only 4 touchdowns and ZERO 100 yard games.  Time to move on, my friends. Nothing to see here.

2.  Buffalo Bills Offense, Running Theme of Amazement, The Persnickety Project;

Ryan Fitzpatrick: 316 yards, 4 TDs, 2 INT
Steve Johnson: 8 catches, 137 yards, 3 TDs
Fred Jackson: 21 carries, 116 yards, 2 TDs

Fuck it.

3.  Greg Jennings, WR, Green Bay Packers;

Last week, in negotiating a trade that got us Hot Roddy White (we're testing that one out instead of "Rowdy"), we went back and forth trying to figure out whether to include Greg Jennings or Reggie Wayne. (it’s a keeper league so age was a consideration).  We ended up including Jennings.  Apparently, he wasn't thrilled with leaving the friendly confines of The Raging Hippos (we're a first-class organization) and decided to take out his hurt feelings on Minnesota.  After being reasonably hot since week 6, his 7 catches, 152 yards and 3 scores not only outpaced White but got us thinking he's going to have a monster last few weeks.  The Packers seem to finally be getting their offense in gear (though it could be more a function of beating up on 2 absolute dog teams, the Cowboys and the Vikes) so any owner smart enough to hold onto him at the trade deadline should be pleased.

4.  Sidney Rice, WR, Minnesota Vikings;

After surprise hip surgery right before the start of the season, many owners who drafted in early August and hoped to capitalize on his breakout season (83 for 1312) were ready to pillage and plunder.  On Sunday, Rice finally made his long-awaited season debut.  While most of his numbers (3 catches, 56 yards) were extremely pedestrian, one that stands out to us: 10.  That’s how many targets he got in his first game back, about double the number of anyone else.  The main reason for Rice's performances last year was his ability to establish himself as The Dongslinger’s #1 target and Sunday gives us plenty of reason to believe he might have stepped right back into that role.  While there's no telling what the rest of the season will hold now that Brad Childress (voted coach who most resembles a pedophile) is gone but we suspect that Favre will remain the quarterback as long as he wants to, and if he does, Rice could be a nice speculative late-season pick-up.

5.  The Bizarro New York Jets;

Ground and pound our ass!! Wait, that didn’t come out right.  Anyway, after a season in which they ran the ball approximately 187% of the time, nobody really expected much from the Jets passing game this season.  During the last few weeks, however, Jets have turned into the Run-And-Shoot Houston Oilers.  That's probably an exaggeration, but they certainly have found a ton more balance on offense.  Good thing too since their defense hasn’t been nearly as good as last year.  In the last 4 weeks, the Jets have thrown the ball an average of 40 times per game and the Sanchize has built on his early season touchdown binge to make himself a viable fantasy back-up/spot starter.  His excellent performance on Sunday (315 yards, 3 Tds) even included a game-winning drive that saved the Jets from an awful loss. Additionally, though we’ve never been a fan of Sanantonio Holmes he seems to be turning into the go-to guy that Braylon Edwards could never be with a pair of 100 yard games in his last 3 contests, including Sunday's 7 catches, 126 yards, and 2 TDs. Finally, and perhaps most interestingly, after coming on like gangbusters in the early season, The Nickname Thief has slowed down a bit and even had less carries (15 to 12) then his younger counterpart, Shonn Greene on Sunday.  LT owners should take note that their early season darling might end up an end-of-season slouch.

6.  Drew Brees, QB, New Orleans Saints;

Much like we think the Packer offense is starting to round into form, the Saints look like they might have finally shaken off the early season Super Bowl hangover. Even without their top 2 runners, the Saints have scored 30+ points in their last 2 games and have managed the feat of being a barely talked about 7-2 defending Super Bowl Champion.  Sure, it was against bad teams – Carolina and Seattle – but with Bush expected back shortly and Pierre Thomas attempting to practice, they should be able to keep it going.  Most importantly for fantasy owners, their prized QB, Mr. Brees has gone over 300 yards in 3 of his last 4, including Sunday’s huge 382 yard, 4 touchdown performance and has attempted over 40 throws in each of his last 4 contests.  As always, the Saints offense is going to live and die with Brees and now owners can feel a bit more comfortable that they’ll survive with him as well.

Frank Gore, RB, San Francisco 49ers;

Frank Gore's Sunday performance is why fantasy sucks. Is there anything more frustrating then watching your team lose by a handful of points because their opponent started “Shitty” Nate Burleson (that’s his nickname, look it up) who has a big game (7 rec, 97 yards, 1 TD) while you were salivating over Frank “Why Don’t You Just” Gore “Me in the Face” plum match-up only to watch in horror as he gives you 23 fucking yards against the awful Bucs run defense? No.  No there is not.  So, in his honor, we’re adopting, and we encourage you to as well, the “Frank Gore Pledge”:

We pledge to enjoy constructing our fantasy team, talking shit with our friends, making trades and having an excuse to follow teams we would have no other reason to care about but, under no circumstances, we will concern ourselves with wins and losses or place undue expectations of rationality or fairness on the fantasy game.  We pledge not think about smashing our heads through a window when our normally solid running back screws us in the playoffs or allow our opponents victory, courtesy of pure luck and players who have no business being in any one's line-up, to send us into a three-day homicidal rage.  For these principles, we say, thank you Frank Gore.”