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In Parts 1 and 2 of the series, we prepared you for the interview and showed you how to answer their questions. Now, in Part 3, we show you how to ask your own probing questions.
Experts, like us, recommend that you come prepared to any interview with questions aimed at both demonstrating your ability to fake interest and helping you determine exactly how full of shit the interviewer is when they tell you how much they enjoy their job. It’s accepted practice to assume that approximately 75% of the information given to you by the interviewer is total malarkey, but our methods help you pinpoint that number to within 2.5%. GUARANTEED.
For even the best of us this can be a challenge, particularly when you're bogged down by things like integrity, tact and honesty. Fortunately, we're don't have those hang-ups and can provide you with a list of 32 (that's right, 32!!) big questions that are sure to get you H-I-R-E-D.
Assessing Your New Position
1. What happened to the poor fool who had this job before me?
2. Did he quit in a rage?
3. Did he fake a mental breakdown or physical injury, go out on disability and then just never come back?
4. Was he fired for naively requesting a raise to a living wage marginally above the poverty line?
5. Did the police have to be called to remove him from the building?
Work/Life Balance
6. What percentage of the day am I actually expected to work?
7. Will I have time to work on my novel/movie/blog?
8. Do you block Facebook and YouTube or do you treat your employees like adults and not children?
9. Do people here actually work on Fridays?
Embracing New Challenges/Assessing What Lies Ahead
10. Besides staying awake during the day, what are the greatest challenges facing me after I get this position?
11. How deep is the pile of shit I’m stepping into? Is it up to my ankles, knees, waist or head?
The Importance of Education
12. After you hire me, are you going to hold that fact that [insert your college] isn't considered to be as good a school as [insert their college] and then fire me abruptly when an alumni from your school o the child of an old roommate needs a job?
13. Are you looking to hire someone intelligent or simply dumb people who don’t threaten your superiority?
Compensation
14. If a train leaves New York traveling west at 200 mph and another train leaves Los Angeles traveling east at 125 mph, how long before I get a raise?
15. Will I make enough to cover the legal bills associated with my son’s future arrest for possession of a controlled substance after he gets addicted to heroin because daddy wasn't home enough? (This is particularly relevant if you are interviewing for an NFL coaching position.)
Vacation Time
16. Can I have off next Friday?
17. How many vacation days do I get? Will I actually get to use them or is that number just used to attract candidates who don’t know any better?
18. When I want to use sick days to extend my vacation, does the company accept international collect calls? What if I promise to put on a good "sick voice" and fake cough?
Corporate Culture
19. Besides me becoming convinced that I can do your job better then you, how will things be different a year from now after I get this job?
20. On a level of 1 to 10 (with 1 being a colonoscopy and 10 eating a box of Entenmann’s Original Recipe Cookies) how much to you dread coming to work here each morning?
21. How many times a week do you sit in the parking lot crying before summoning the strength to go into the building?
22. Can you describe the atmosphere of the office? Does it feel more like the calm before the storm or just the storm itself?
23. Are you as big of an asshole as I imagine you to be once the pretense of courtesy is dropped?
24. What is the deal with Outcast? Are they a group, individuals, I just can’t figure it out.
25. What types of people tend to excel here, sycophants, arrogant jerks or just rageaholics ?
Career Advancement
26. How will I be evaluated for a promotion? (under your breath or masked by a fake-cough “please don’t say merit”)
27. Once I get really good at my job to the point that I might actually enjoy coming to work, will I be expected to follow an advancement path that promises to give me more responsibility than I can handle, little to no additional monetary gain and the promise of ruining any happiness I once had?
Hostile Work Environment
28. Should I expect to be sexually harassed? If so, how much? Will it get physical?
Personal Fulfillment
29. How do you sleep at night after doing this all day?
30. How do you live with yourself, is the paycheck enough to numb the pain?
Benefits
31. Does the company’s medical insurance cover the therapy that my family and I will need if I work as much as you expect me to?
32. What about coverage for rehabilitation care due to my impending addiction to pain killers?
Stay Tuned: Next Week - A Response From "The Man".
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Question number 24 is a good one. However, I believe the answer was already provided by Sun Kwon during an Oceanic Airlines press conference.
ReplyDeleteSo true, I had forgotten. Good thing we have a transcript:
ReplyDeleteReporter: Dr. Shephard, can you tell us what it was like when the plane hit the ocean? How you survived?
Jack: Uh, it happened really fast. I remember the impact. I remember the plane filling up with water. A group of us got to the emergency door and, uh, got out before it went down.
Reporter: And those of you who survived, you swam to the island?
Jack: No. We had, uh, cushions. We had some life jackets. We were in the water for over a day before the current took us in. By then there was only 8 of us left.
Reporter: What happened to the other 3?
Jack: One of them, his name was Boon Carlyle, suffered tremendous internal injuries and died a few days after the crash. A woman, Libby, she didn't make it through the first week. Charlie Pace, he drowned a few weeks before we were able to leave.
Reporter: Mr. Reyes, you were worth more than $150 million at the time of time of your death. How does it feel to know you're going to get all that money back?
Hurley: I don't want it back. Any of it. That money was bad luck.
Reporter: (in Korean)
Reporter: Can somebody translate that?
Sun: She asked if my husband was one of the people who died on the island. The answer is no. He never made it off the plane.
Reporter: Are you aware of the situation in Iraq, Mr. Jarrah. Do you have any plans to return?
Sayid: There is nothing for me in Iraq.
Reporter: And Mr. Shephard, now that you are home what are your plans?
Jack: I haven't really thought too much about it. Uh, my father died in Sydney. I was bringing him home for the funeral when the plane crashed. Even though the body is, uh, I'd like to put him to rest.
Reporter: Ms. Austen, what was it like giving birth on the island?
Kate: Scary.
Reporter: Your son, uh, Aaron, how old is he now?
Kate: He's just a little over 5 weeks.
Reporter: So that would have made you about 6 months pregnant when the US Marshall Service apprehended you in Australia for an outstanding murder warrant? Is that correct?
Karen Decker: I'm afraid Ms. Austen's legal issue is off the table. Next question.
Reporter: Ms. Kwon, can you please explain the deal with OutKast?
Sun: OutKast is an American pop/hip hop duo consisting of André "André 3000" Benjamin and Antwan "Big Boi" Patton. Speakerboxxx/The Love Below was a double album that included a solo album from both of the group's members. Speakerboxxx had Big Boi performing tracks more representative of the older OutKast style while The Love Below, the solo project of André 3000, was performed in a more funk-based style. André primarily sang rather than rapping on The Love Below, marking a significant departure from his past work by OutKast.
Reporter: Mr. Jarrah, given the amazing circumstances surrounding the survival of you 6 is it possible there are any other survivors from the crash yet to be discovered?
Sayid: No. Absolutely not.