Disclaimer: The views expressed herein are not indicative of the views of the writer and are meant for entertainment purposes only. Any attempt to construe these words in a manner other than that described herein may subject the reader to liability for not having a sense of humor. Please be guided accordingly.
Now that all that "legal" stuff is out of the way, let's back back to helping you find a job. Last week we covered all the things you need to do before you get to the interview, we'll discuss what to do on your interview day.
For Part 1 of the series, click here.
You: On An Interview
On the big day, you're the star of your own reality show called "You: On an Interview." Sure, the ratings suck because only your mom watches (and that's only when NCIS isn't on, which is never) but the point is, you've got to be at your best. Your performance today is going to determine whether you get your big break or find yourself stuck on "Flavor of Love 14."
You have to be "on" from the moment the alarm clock goes off. Why is that? BECAUSE THEY MIGHT BE WATCHING YOU! Companies, particularly the larger ones, have spies everywhere, including outside your house (keep those blinds drawn if your modest) to monitor everything you do outside of work. They'll watch how you interact with your neighbors, if you curb your dog during the morning walk and whether you pick your nose and eat it in the car. They want to get to know the REAL you. Don't let them.
(Think we're paranoid? Well, tell us, who's in that minivan parked across the street? Nobody? Sure, keep thinking that.)
Also, if you get cut off on the day to the office, don’t honk and flip the bird, there’s a 100% chance that person is your future boss.
Better to be Late Than The Jerk Who's Early
When should you arrive at the interview? Two words - Fashionably Late. Nobody likes a Punctual Pete. Showing up late tells your boss that you are important. Plus, people who show up late seem mysterious, like they have something better to do. Those are the people who stand out.
When you finally do get around to showing up, make sure you don’t bring anything with you. It's an interview, not a a housewarming party. If you absolutely need to to write something down, like your starting salary or the address of the police station where you will need to be picked up, just ask to borrow a pen (they'll have these, its an office) and write it on your hand.
You Talking to Me?
At some point during this whole production, your interviewer will make their first appearance. When this happens, play it cool, you don't want to seem desperate. Make sure to avoid eye contact and give no indication at all that you even realize someone else is in the room with you. Make the interviewer make the first move.
When they finally break the ice and say hello, don't address them by name (you probably don't remember it anyway), rather use a generic term like “pal” or “buddy” (if the interviewer is a woman “sweetheart” or “honey” will suffice). Note: never EVER use the term “chief” - you never know if your interviewer might be a “Native American.”
Now that the introductions are out of the way, make yourself comfortable cause this shit is gonna take awhile.
The Art of Meaningless Bullshit - Making Small Talk
So now you're sitting across the table with your soon-to-be mortal enemy - your future boss. So what the hell do you say? If you're anything like us, you probably struggle with small talk, finding it to be a completely unnecessary and uncomfortable exercise. No worries, follow these simple tips and you'll be a bullshitting whiz in no time!!
If you’ve done your research, you'll be well-prepared to kill this part of the interview. Put all that cyber-stalking to good use and start the discussion off with something like “So, how’s [spouse's name]?” or “Did [insert kids name] win his game on Friday?” If done correctly, you'll have the interviewer completely off-balance and you'll establish command of the conversation.
Even if you didn’t do your research (why would you, right?), you can still be effective. Let your eyes wander around the room for some insight into the interviewer's life. If you can, open a drawer and see what they're hiding. Once you've zeroed in on something interesting, ask an intensely personal question and, if you can, couple it with an off-color comment. For example, if you see a wedding picture, say “Is that your wife? She looks wild, I bet your wedding night was fun.” For effect, wink with your right eye and, if applicable, nudge the interviewer in the ribs with your elbow. You are now in control.
You're On Sale - 2 for $1
Once you've tipped the power balance in your favor, your goal is to establish yourself as an honest, trustworthy and engaged.
It's easy to make yourself seem honest and trustworthy, simply lie and agree with everthing they say. They'll lap it up like a cat drinking milk. Need practice lying? Stand in front of the mirror and say nice things about yourself.
As for being engaged, we know its a tough sell but you’ve got to do your best to at least seem somewhat interested in the position and what the interviewer has to say. Don't just sit there, try to build some rapport. Use lots of exaggerated hand motions, lean in, make uncomfortable, extended eye contact and, if you can, when answering questions gently hold and caress the interviewer's hand.
Say What? Answering Interview Questions.
The most important part of any interview is how you answer questions. Odds are, the interviewer spent at least 5-6 minutes coming up with really challenging questions aimed at getting to the core of who you are. Your goal is to deflect those questions. In hockey parlance, be prepared to "stand on your head."
One easy method of deflection is to craftily answer all questions with another question. For example:
Interviewer: What made you decide to be an attorney?
You: Why wouldn't I want to be an attorney? Seriously, do you have a better idea?
If you insist on actually responding to what’s asked, remain vague. NEVER USE SPECIFICS! Specifics are the only way they’ll be able to tell you are lying.
You should also take every opportunity (even the slightest) to badmouth your former employer. The interviewer wants to know that you're over your former job and that you won't go crawling back when they realize how great you were and that the new person is just a shallow jerk.
Finally, if you have multiple consecutive interviews with different people, make sure you bring with you whatever you need to keep yourself alert. For some it might be listening to the first few bars of “I Got A Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas (Mozel Tov!) for others it’s home-made meth. Do whatever works for YOU.
The Morning After
It’s always good form to write a “thank you” note. Email is fine but by hand is so much better. Get a stack of all those magazines you just finished reading, cut out some letters, grab the glue and start writing, "ransom-note" style. Make sure to include some personal information and well wishes. Something like “Thank you for taking the time to interview me, I hope to work with you in the future. I also hope that Bobby doesn’t get hurt during his soccer game against this weekend.” A personal touch like that can never fail.
Final note, mail it without a return address from a post office a few towns away. We already told you - people LOVE mystery.
Stay tuned for next time when we give you a special bonus list of questions you can ask during the interview that are guaranteed to knock your future employer for a loop!!
Proscribed vs. prescribed.
ReplyDelete