Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 2

The best part of state employment is all the perks.  Like on the first day when we got to clean dried blood off our desk (in fairness, it was under 3 inches of dust so it really wasn't readily visible).  Or the fact that an office with a view (read: not ours) isn’t a view of the outside but a view of a window.  With benefits like that, it's really hard to find anything to complain about.  But, we'll try anyway. 

We work in a 9 floor building and the brilliant individual who designed it, presumably for aesthetic reasons, decided it would be an excellent idea to put the majority of the elevators on the “first” as opposed to the ground floor.  The placement of the elevators on the second floor requires the roughly 5 million (give or take) people who work in the building to get to that floor before making their way to their blood-cover, darkness filled offices.  Normally, this isn't a problem due to the presence of 4 handy-dandy escalators that, despite that are not the engines of death they're made out to be.






They generally provide a smooth and safe passage.  Until, of course, they break.  Now, one could argue, to quote the great Mitch Hedberg, that "an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs."  ("Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”)  Not, if you work for the state, then you get this:

Yeah, absurdly intense yellow signs warning you not to use the stairs.  Not only does it ignore the fact that a moving escalator is significantly more dangerous than a stationary one.  But, the alternatives to using the "broken" escalator involve either walking up a weird enclosed stairwell that's akin to a grain elevator or stuffing 400 people on an elevator that only seems to occasionally work properly.  At its best the state should protect us from ourselves, at its worst, it protects us from the stairs.

In most buildings you’d expect an issue like that to be solved pretty quickly, right?  Maybe a day to get repair person in.  And another few days to fix it.  Even if you have to order a part from China, that’s still like 4 or 5 days.  Yet, there’s no indication they’ll be coming down anytime soon.  So, we’ll continue to trudge up the grain elevator and thank the ineptitude of the State for ruining our f’n morning for five straight weeks.

On to over analyzing and discussing pretend, meaningless football.

1. Offense, Buffalo Bills, Bizarro World

Ryan Fitzpatrick, 264 yards, 3 TDs, 23 yards rushing.

Fred Jackson, 15 carries, 117 yards, 2 TDs.

Stevie Johnson, 8 for 96, 1 TD.

We recognize that to the extent our obsession with the Bills was ever funny or interesting it stopped being so a long time ago, but obsessions aren't easily forgotten.  So, we'll continue to wonder when this is going to end.  Fitzpatrick can't be this good, right?  He has to have a 117 yard, 3 pick stinker in him at some point, doesn't he?  We certainly hope midnight comes soon because we're highly uncomfortable living in a world where the Bills-Raiders game is the most exciting of the day and a guy from Harvard is one of fantasy's top scoring quarterbacks.

2.  Denarius Moore, Wide Receiver, Oakland Raiders

Speaking of the Raiders.  Rarely do we find ourselves in the middle of a fantasy draft trying to figure out who a player is.  Not his spot on the depth chart, his previous season's stats or where he went to college.  No, literally, who the player is.  So when we did our draft this year and \someone by the name of "D. Moore" sat there conspicuously high on the remaining players queue, we were confused and intrigued.  Thanks to the power of The Google, we were able to determine that he was a rookie out of Tennessee who was dazzling in training camp and, because he's a Raider, is ridiculously fast.  We'd seen that before and after he ended up inactive in Week 1, many rightfully assumed that he was just a training camp wonder.  The, in week two, with the Raiders "best" receivers (Jacoby Ford, Louis Murphy and Darrius Heyward-Bey) fighting injuries Moore got his chance and shined, shined, shined with 5 catches, 146 yards and a touchdown.  He's got the physical tools to be good so take a flier on him this week to see how he looks when the more established guys get back.  If he continues to put up numbers, learn his name.

3.  Knee, Crushed Hopes, Your Fantasy Team

Rarely does an injury actually make us sad.  They happen so often in football that the news just washes over us, barely noticed (unless its a Giant, then it sends us into a deep depression).  But, on Sunday when we saw "knee injury, out for game" after Jamaal Charles' name, we felt sad.  After "game" became "season",  anyone who picked him in the Top 3 began convulsing wildly. Jamaal with the extra "a" was one of the rare top-level fantasy players who still represented hope and upside.  If he could just get more carriers he was the next Chris Johnson.  Now, instead of hope, it's more likely he's the next great runner who's career was derailed by injuries.  It's a shame.  The Chefs (as well as Charles' former owners) will likely call on the ancient spirits of evil and rouse Thomas Jones out of his tomb in the Black Pyramid.

4.  Antonio Gates, TE, San Diego Superchargers;

0 catches, 0 yards, 1 target.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 pre-season #1 tight end!   Don’t worry though, here’s what the guru’s at ESPN had to say:

Spin:  Relax! Yes, we all know Gates got a big goose egg in Week 2, but it was the Patriots game plan to take him out of the mix and he even saw triple coverage at times. Few teams are going to have the audacity, or the talent, to pull that off and still win the game. Gates will be fine.

Relax?  Really?  You want us to relax after a player we had to take a round early to make sure we didn’t miss out and expected to help carry us back to the fantasy glory that has eluded us for too long, gives us as you put it “a big goose egg.”  We can’t fucking relax, particularly, when he plays on a team that passed for 372 and that shit face, hold-out, loser V-Jax had 10 catches for 172 yards, the most he’s had since … well … forever.  And to rub salt in our goddamn wounds, not one but two TEs from New England (plus that useless ass Ochocinco) outscored our guy.  Obviously if we’re taking time out of our day to visit your website and read your glib little blurb, we care way to much about fantasy football and relaxing is not a viable option.  So fuck him, fuck you and fuck you’re “spin.”  At least until next week when Gates scores 2 TDs and goes back to being awesome.

5.  Cam Newton, QB, Carolina Panthers;

This is already getting a little ridiculous.  Two weeks in to his, now apparently destined to be stellar, career and our the newest member of the Man-Crush All Stars already has as many 400 yard passing games as Aaron Rodgers, Jim Kelly, The Dongslinger, John Elway and, most importantly, the immortal Neil Lomax (who does not speak for the trees) and has reinvigorated one of our original loves, THE REAL Steve Smith.   Oh yeah, he also leads his team in rushing.  Somehow Newton has seamlessly transferred the dynamism he showed on Saturdays to Sundays.  Even if he turns the ball over, Carolina seems determined to let Newton do his thing and for fantasy owners, that means the ceiling to his rookie year production has officially been blown off.  Make sure you don’t just dump your back-up but unless you have one of the top 6 guys, get him in your line-up right the hell now.

6.  Arian Foster, RB, Houston Texans;

Injuries happen and the best a fantasy owner can hope for is to know if the guy is going to play or not.  The worst is what happened on Sunday.  When a Top 2 running back is listed as a starter for his team, he's a lock to be in your line-up.  Unfortunately, when Gary Kubiak (a disciple of Shanahan’s school of fantasy annoyance) decides to keep said running back out for the entire second half of a game, where the team has a comfortable but not ridiculous lead and should have given him the ball 15 times, because of “fatigue”, a fantasy owner can be forgiven for wanting to drop an anvil on some one's head.  


If we owned Foster, we'd be a little worried at this point.  Hamstrings are tricky, even when they seem healed one bad move and its back to square one, and his back-up (former back-up?) Ben Tate now has back-to-back 20 carry, 100 yard games and, at this point.  The reign of the Arian Nation could be over before it even had a chance to get annoying (actually we were annoyed after 2 games last year but whatever).  Anit-awesomeness.

7.  Felix Jones and Shonn Green, Running Backs, Disappointing All Stars

For years, we’ve been treated to headlines like “Shonn Greene: Ready to Break Out” and "Felix Jones:  Won’t Suck as Bad This Year.”  Then, two weeks into the season those guys are losing carriers to half-dead LT or fighting yet another nagging taint injury, you realize the reason they’re still supposed to break out is because they’ve never really been any good.  This year, the Cowboys were supposed to have a dynamic offense and with MBIII finally gone, this was going to be Jones' year.  Everyone was pumped.  Now, with 69 yards in two weeks and a 2.7 yard per carry average, not so much.  As for Greene, aren’t the Jets supposed to be all “ground and pound”?  At least that’s what they tell us they are.  What kind of smash mouth team with a bruising running back only gets 49 yards in a 32-3 route?  One's that talk to much, we guess.  Hype-monsters like these guys are the ones that ruin your draft when you don’t get them, your team when you do, and your day after you fall for it year after year. 

The Persnickety Project’s Plan for College Football Realignment – The Big Power Grab

Sometimes a single event that seems small and inconsequential at the time spurs massive change.  Like the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand caused World War I and changed the face of Europe forever, Texas A&M’s decision to leave the Big-12 and join the SEC is poised to change the face of college football forever and bring upon the era of “Super Conferences.”  Each event happened for individual political reasons (freedom from the Austro-Hungarian Empire/freedom from the Austin, Texas Empire) but eventually they’ll share the distinction of having much larger consequences.

The effects of the move are already being felt.  In just the time since we started writing this, the Big East began to disintegrate with two of its most important members and best football programs, Syracuse and Pittsburgh, announced they were bolting for the ACC.  And that’s just the beginning, the remaining Big East schools are scrambling to find a home and Texas and Oklahoma may doom the Big-12 by joining the Pac-12.

Massive realignment is on the horizon; the only question is how it’s going to look.  It seems strange to think that conferences we’ve grown up with like the Big East and Big-12 are just going to disappear.  We’ve been sold the power rivalries and tradition for so long that we’ve accepted that these things don’t change. But they do. The Big East may be legendary to us but so were the Southern Conference, the Southwest Athletic Conference and the Big 8.   To extend the WWI analogy even further, people probably expected the Ottoman Empire and Austria-Hungary were going to be around forever.  But there was a time when they weren’t there and a time after they went away.  The map is constantly changing.  It’s natural and to be expected.  

To any real extent, we have no clue how the future landscape will look.  What we do now, however, is that there is too much money at stake and too many instances of smaller schools (Boise, TCU) playing Robin Hood with the BCS payouts for the conferences and the teams to stand pat.  To us, the time has come for conferences to consolidate their power and that means getting bigger.  And we don’t mean just any type of growth, we mean expanding by cannibalizing their rivals and coopting any outside challengers.  Think the modern Republican Party. 

All the dick swinging teams like Baylor and Iowa State are doing, threatening legal action, is just posturing.  They need to make sure they’re not left standing when the music stops.  With the exception of the truly elite programs, football legitimacy is directly tied to who they play and when they someone starts making passes at their partners, they get nervous.

Ironically, what will ultimately save those teams is the thing that is tearing their status quo apart – greed and hubris.  Once the first conference jumps, the competition among the others will be fierce to make sure they don’t fall behind.  If the Pac-12 becomes the Pac-16, the Big 10 and SEC certainly aren’t going to sit idly by and watch their rival grow unchecked.  Once those two behemoths start to move, the ACC will have no choice but to expand or perish (a.k.a. lose their automatic BCS bid and the associated monetary windfall).  The remaining Big East and Big-12 teams will be gobbled up in the process.  And suddenly, we’re in the “Era of Super Conferences.”  All because Texas A&M was tired of being shit on by Texas. 

So, since we’re absolute shit at predicting the future, we decided to come up with our own plan.  We can’t necessarily say its in the best thing for college football as a whole (on some level is more likely to decrease competition by exacerbating the royal-peasant relationship between the elite and run of the mill programs) but we’re confident it would be better than both what we have now and what the powers-that-be would come up with in solving the biggest problem of all – deciding a national champion.   So without any further ado (there has already been much ado but we shall ado no further), we present The Persnickety Project’s Plan for College Football Realignment – The Big Power Grab.

Where Are We Know?

Here is the present alignment of the BCS conferences (as they stand today):

ACC (12 teams): Boston College, Clemson, Duke, Florida State, Georgia Tech, Maryland, Miami, North Carolina, North Carolina State, Virginia, Virginia Tech, Wake Forest

Big 12 (10 teams): Baylor, Iowa State, Kansas, Kansas State, Missouri, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas, Texas Tech, Texas A&M

Big East (teams): Cincinnati, Connecticut, Louisville, Rutgers, South Florida, West Virginia, Pittsburgh, Syracuse

Big Ten (12 teams): Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Nebraska, Northwestern, Ohio State, Penn State, Purdue, Wisconsin

Pac-12 (12 teams): Arizona, Arizona State, California, Colorado, Oregon, Oregon State, Stanford, UCLA, USC, Utah, Washington, Washington State

SEC (12 teams):  Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, LSU, Mississippi State, Ole Miss, South Carolina, Tennessee, Vanderbilt

That’s 66 teams.  The Big Power Grab (“BPG”) calls for 4, 18-team, regional conferences.  Though math is far from our strong suit, that alignment would require 72, or six more, teams.   So, who get’s the call-up?  Read on the find out.

The Future

The Pac-18

Current teams (12):  Arizona, Arizona State, California, Colorado, Oregon, Oregon State, Stanford, UCLA, USC, Utah, Washington, Washington State.

New Additions (6):  Texas, Oklahoma, Texas Tech, Oklahoma State, BYU, SMU

Welcome to the Big Time …

BYU: The Fighting Mormons might not currently have the cache of TCU or Boise but, as the last non-BCS school to both win a National Championship (1984) and produce a Heisman Trophy Winner (Ty Detmer, 1990) and a consistent Top 25-ish team, they clearly deserve a spot in the BPG.

SMU: For awhile we had this spot going to Fresno State (the team that threatened to be the pre-Boise, Boise) but in putting this together we tried to account for history and deeper connections, giving SMU the edge.  Before receiving the “Death Penalty” in 1987, SMU was a premier program (claiming 3 national titles) and, from its days in the old Southwest Athletic Conference, has a history with Texas and Texas Tech and a list of alums including Doak Walker, Kyle Rote, Don Meridith, Eric Dickerson, Forest Gregg, Lamar Hunt and Raymond Berry.  The proverbial “last team in.” 

The Story:  If, as expected, Texas and Oklahoma, two of the most successful programs in Division 1 football history (2^nd and 6^th in wins, respectively), join up, with Texas Tech and Oklahoma State as the price of admission (a price surely offset by T Boone’s money), the Pac [Number] will be on the way to remaking itself. To round out he conference, BYU fits the geographical profile and has a history of success to fit right into the middle of the conference (particularly when they run out their 25 year old missionaries) and SMU provides another beachhead in the very completive and talent rich Texas recruiting scene and exploitable history.

New Divisions:

Dudes:  California, Oregon, Oregon State, Stanford, Washington, Washington State, USC, UCLA, and Colorado

Bros:  Arizona, Arizona State, BYU, Texas, Texas Tech, Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, BYU, and SMU.

Extra Benefits:  For a conference that will have added 8 teams in two years, established rivalries like Texas-Oklahoma, the Oklahomas,  Texas-Texas Tech, BYU-Utah to the conference schedule would provide rivalry footholds while the geographically diverse conference meshes and develops its own unique feuds.

Bottom Line:  Aside from a somewhat-brief, somewhat-tainted run by USC, the conference has been a bit of a disappointment on the national stage, particularly when compared to the mighty SEC.  But adding two teams with a combined 6 BCS title game appearances and one of college football’s best rivalries to its conference schedule would immediately validate their place as a big-time football conference and, if USC comes of probation strong, the Trojans, Longhorns and Sooners would form a Top 3 as good as any conference could hope for in tradition and power.

The SEC

Current Teams (12): Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, LSU, Mississippi State, Ole Miss, South Carolina, Tennessee, Vanderbilt

New Additions (6): Texas A&M, Miami, Florida State, Georgia Tech, Baylor, TCU

Welcome to the Big Time … TCU.  In truth, the Horned Frogs are already part of the big time after last year’s Rose Bowl victory.  He had them going here even before the Big East started to fall apart because that never made any damn sense in the first place.  TCU is another old school program - with a couple of Depression Era national titles and college royalty like Davey O’Brien, Sammy Baugh and LaDanian Tomlinson hailing from their ranks – that fell on hard times before beginning the long climb back up in the mid-90’s.

The Story:  The assassin, Texas A&M, gets away its overbearing sibling Texas and gains an invitation to the most elite club.  Baylor gets what it wanted – included.  But in the long run, they might not be so happy getting what they wanted as its unclear whether solid programs that rarely found themselves at the top of an inferior conference will compete in a real way.  Not that the rest of the SEC programs will mind getting free recruiting trips deep in the heart of Texas.  When the SEC comes calling, Miami, Florida State and Georgia Tech would gladly walk away from the ACC for a place that cares only about football.  Competing won’t be a problem for Florida State, the biggest thing running for most of the 90’s with 2 national titles and 9 straight conference championships, as they bring serious star power, even to the SEC.  Miami had a similar run of dominance and while they continue to face hard times and potentially severe penalties, they remain THE U.  If they get the “Death Penalty”, they’re easily replaceable by one of the other Florida alphabet schools (UCF, FAU, FIU, LMFAO).  Georgia Tech is a historically (if not modernly) significant program and charter member of the SEC with 4 national championships (spanning from 1917 to 1990), a former coach named Heisman and a bitter rivalry with the University of Georgia (and a lesser one with Auburn).  TCU’s potential move to the Big East shows they want to take a shot at being part of the elite and, for as long as he stays put, Gary Patterson’s innovative defense and a recruiting boost from joining the conference could put the Frogs in position to challenge the SEC powers and become a true national title contender.

New Divisions:

Stars:  Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, South Carolina, Tennessee, Vanderbilt, Florida State, Miami, Georgia Tech.

Bars:  Alabama, Arkansas, Auburn, LSU, Mississippi State, Ole Miss, Texas A&M, Baylor, TCU.

Extra Benefits:  Seeing what TCU, a charter member (from 1923) of the old Southwest Conference, can do in a conference where they reunite with Arkansas, Baylor and A&M and rekindle a dormant rivalry with LSU.  Making the Miami-Florida-Florida State love triangle and Georgia-Georgia Tech hate-fest conference games gives the SEC rivalries it can sell nationally not just across the Confederacy.

Bottom Line:  With 5 straight BCS titles, simply maintaining the status quo would have been good enough but by adding these six teams, THE premier conference in college football can make a case that the crystal football should just go directly to its conference champ.

The Big Ten

Current Teams (12):  Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Michigan, Michigan State, Minnesota, Nebraska, Northwestern, Ohio State, Penn State, Purdue, Wisconsin

New Additions (6): Notre Dame, Kansas, Kansas State, Missouri, Iowa State, Boise State

Welcome to the Big Time ….

Notre Dame.  The program isn’t what it once was but, love them or hate them, the Fighting Irish are football aristocracy.  Look no further than, despite thumbing their noses at the traditional conference structure, they’re still guaranteed a BCS bid whenever they finish high enough.  If this were ever going to happen, it couldn’t without the Catholics on board.

Boise State.  In the last 6 years since Chris Peterson took over the program, the Broncos are 63-5 with two BCS bowl victories.  As cute as it is to watch Boise’s yearly threats to the “System”, for any new system to have even the illusion of credibility, they have to be involved.  Plus, we’re quite sure the traditional powers would like nothing more than to see how the Blue Turfers do with a “real” schedule.

The Story:  The Big Ten considers itself a lofty, prestigious conference of tradition, legends and leaders that traces its roots back to 1896 so its admission standards would be pretty high.  In fact, if the school had more than 6,000 students and didn’t play their games in a stadium the size of Jim Tressel’s backyard, they’d probably offer to readmit the University of Chicago and call it a day.  But if they have to expand, Notre Dame, a long-time target, is the obvious choice and might finally be amenable knowing their special BCS status wouldn’t fly in the BPG.  Boise State lacks the history but is just too important in the modern landscape to be overlooked and brings the reputation (despite recent sanctions and a blue field) as a program of character, a fit for how the Big Ten sees itself.   While the Big 12 Refugees might not be football powers, they’re big, old public schools that should go stand on the Big Ten’s porch in the rain to make sure they get a spot in what would become the preeminent midwestern conference.    Kansas and Kansas State boast two of the best basketball programs in the country and a long-standing rivalry to immediately raise the Big 10 hardwood profile.   Missouri brings multiple successful sports programs and rivalries with Kansas, Nebraska, Illinois and Iowa State.  Iowa State plays Iowa for the Cy-Hawk, Missouri for the Telephone Trophy, Nebraska in the Cornhole Classic and K-State in Farmageddon (we only made one of those up).

New Divisions

Dicks (formerly Legends):  Minnesota, Iowa, Nebraska, Kansas, Kansas State, Missouri, Iowa State, Boise State, Wisconsin

Douches (formerly Leaders): Ohio State, Illinois, Purdue, Indiana, Penn State, Michigan, Michigan State, Notre Dame, Northwestern

Extra Benefits:  The annual round-robin “Pretentious Tournament” between Ohio State, Michigan, Notre Dame and Penn State for the right to get hammered by Nebraska or Wisconsin.  Kansas and Nebraska renewing a rivalry that was the longest continuously played game (since 1906) before Nebraska left the Big 12 last season.

The Bottom Line:  The Big Ten won’t just sit around and watch everyone else expand and not act even if it means getting their hands dirty.  Adding mid-tier football schools from the Big 12 and a big name like Notre Dame would allow them to expand without threatening the status of their traditional football powers at home.  Adding Boise is like your dad getting an earing.   

The Big Atlantic Coast Conference

Current Teams:

Big East (8): Connecticut, Louisville, Pittsburgh, Rutgers, South Florida, Syracuse, West Virginia, and Cincinnati

ACC (9): Duke, Maryland, North Carolina, North Carolina State, Boston College, Clemson, Wake Forest, Virginia, and Virginia Tech

Welcome to the Big Time … Villanova.  While Nova doesn’t currently play FBS football, what they do play is high-level basketball, which will be important in the new conference.  Still, the Wildcats have been a FCS power in recent years, winning a National Championship in 2009, play in a strong market, and are already considering a move to the Big East.  If they can find a 15,000-seat stadium to squat in, there’s little reason why this wouldn’t work.

Why They’re Wanted:  With Big East teams scattering like roaches in the light, the ACC will end up being the flag bearer of east coast football.  Still, if the SEC gets all grabby and lures away their best football schools in Miami, Florida State and Georgia Tech, the best move for the remaining members focus on their strength in basketball to keep football alive.  By leveraging the ACC’s regional influence and the Big East’s inherent advantage on the hardwood, the “new” conference would be the only basketball that matters with just enough football to maintain their status as a BPG conference.  Pittsburgh, West Virginia, Syracuse, Boston College, Clemson and Virginia Tech have enough cache and history to give the conference a top-level presence to stay on the national radar while teams that have made a commitment to football like Connecticut, Louisville, Rutgers, South Florida, Cincinnati, Maryland, and North Carolina try to step up and fill the void.  On the basketball front, adding Duke, Maryland and UNC to a conference with UCONN, Louisville, Pitt, Georgetown, Nova, St. John’s and Syracuse would be ridiculously fun and exciting and make the Big East Tournament at MSG (we heard it called the perfect sporting even once) even more intense (if only because everyone hates Duke).  Virginia has fans that are really smart but still insist on wearing suits to football games so they have that going for them.  NC State .... um, yeah.

New Divisions:

  

Big East Division:  UCONN, Syracuse, Boston College, Rutgers, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, Villanova, West Virginia, Louisville

Atlantic Coast Division:  Virginia Tech, Virginia, South Florida, Clemson, Wake Forest, Duke, North Carolina, North Carolina State, Maryland

Note: Basketball would play one 24-team conference.

Extra Benefits:  Watching Dick Vitale wet himself during in-conference games between Duke and Syracuse and UNC and UNCONN and waiting for Joe Lunardi’s head to explode trying to seed fifteen teams from one conference in “Bracketology.”  Waiting 25 years before a team from the conference makes the BPG Championship game.

Bottom Line:  On the “Island of Misfit Football Programs” they can live together or die alone in Conference USA.  Nobody wants to see that.  “The Big Atlantic Coast Conference:  The Only Basketball That Matters … and we play football too!!”

How It All Works

Scheduling:  All teams would continue to play 12 regular season games with 10 conference games and 2 out of conference tilts.  In conference, the teams would play every team in their division once with the conference making the determination as to how the 2 cross-divisional match-ups would be scheduled.  That would give the conference the option to protect rivalries, set up marquee match-ups or simply rotate teams year-to-year.  In any event, every important team in the country would be playing a brutal schedule and only slumming it with lower level teams twice a year.  The winners of each division would play in a neutral site conference championship game for the right to play for the national title.

The BPG Championship:  If we’ve learned anything during the ongoing debate about a college playoff it is that: (1) the bowls aren’t going anywhere; and (2) a true playoff isn’t going to happen because it adds too many games.  With that in mind, we’ll avoid the urge to simply create the 16-team playoff everyone wants and settle for a system that could conceivably happen. 

So, the existing BCS-bowls (Orange, Fiesta, Rose and Sugar) and the current system of rotating the national championship game stays in tact, with a minor tweak.

Currently, the BCS bowl system features 10 teams in 4 regular bowl games and the national championship.  The BPG bowl system would feature 8 teams – the 4 conference champions and 4 “At Large” teams (to give the system an appearance of fairness, one of the “At Large” spots would be reserved for any non-BPG conference team that finishes in the Top 8). 

Each year, two of the bowls would host semi-final games between the 4 conference champions with the match-ups decided by using the current system in which the bowls select the teams.  The other two bowls would host the two “at large” match-ups where, instead of competing for a championship, the players would be “rewarded for a good season”, i.e. make money for the bowl organizers.   All of these bowls would be played on the weekend of New Year’s.  A week later, the winners of the two semi-finals would meet in the BPG Championship Game held at one of the bowls who hosted an “at large” game the week before.  The next year, the bowls rotate their positions. Since the Rose Bowl is the granddaddy, they’d get special dispensation to reserve the Pac 18-Big 10 match-up in their semi-final years. 

 

For example, For example, in year one, if the Fiesta and Orange bowls would host the semi-finals.  The Rose would host an “at large” game and then the BPG Championship.  The Sugar would get first selection of the “at large” teams.   The next year, the Sugar would host the national championship game, the Rose and Orange the semis and the Fiesta only an “at large.”

Since all the teams are playing in such packed conferences with conference championship games, the regular season maintains that playoff feel, but we get the added bonus of actually seeing the four best teams decide the title on the field and crowning a “true” National Champion.  It’s beautiful in its simplicity. 

The End

And there you have it.  It’s not perfect (or necessarily even desirable) but, in our option, its far superior to what we have and what we’ll likely get.  Plus, and most importantly, there would be fun and compelling games in every conference, every week.  Not just during the spotlight Saturday night game.  If we can get, at least, the war will have been worth it.

Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 1

We're officially back for year two of the Persnickety Project's weekly bitching and moaning about the unfairness that is fantasy football.  We know you're excited.  For the uninitiated, here's the drill:  short (or not so) story about something shitty that happened in the past week and them we call out some random number of fantasy performers for fucking with our fantasy, and inarguably too important, lives.  Bad jokes abound and a good time is had by all.

We recently discovered the greatest thing in the history of the world - a lunchtime basketball game.  A group of guys from various state offices in the area play everyday for an hour at lunch at a local YWCA (it's like the YMCA but without the construction workers, bikers and Indians).  Like we said, greatest thing in the world.  There's only one problem.

Dinkuses.

Yes, dinkuses.  Wangs.  Whippy-Whops.  Dongs.  Ding Dongs.  Caciolas.  Willies.  Wieners.  Tools.  Wankers.  Power Tools.  Schlongs.  Johnsons.  Members. 

The underrated part of lunchtime basketball is that you sweat like an animal and then have to go back to work.  So, to most people, that means a shower in the locker room.  Which means lots of naked dudes.  Which means lots of penises.  Everywhere.  Of all shapes and sizes.  It's like browsing through the gallery on Brett Favre's Droid.

Maybe its a generational thing but nobody seems to mind standing around air drying their junk and talking about the weather.  Nobody except us, of course.  We're certainly not homophobic (peniphobic, perhaps) but there's something we find highly unsettling about standing in a 10 by 10 foot room full of naked men with their danglies out.  It's just kinda awkward.  So instead of showering, we stand the in the corner, sweating profusely and trying to get changed as quickly as possible to get the hell out of there.  Oh yeah, and trying desperately to maintain eye contact.

And that's our first hand account of having a day ruined by a dinkus.

Now, on to less uncomfortable things like fantasy football ...

1.  Cam Newton, QB/Savior, Carolina Panthers.


Holy Duckbills!! (good luck trying to figure out what obscenity that was autocorrected from)  No, the CBS ticker wasn't having a stroke on Sunday, Newton really did throw for 422 yards passing and account for 3 total touchdowns.  How's that for a debut?  From a lack of experience to a highly unimpressive preseason, Newton didn't appear ready to start much less star in Week 1.  But star he did.  Still, if we had to come up with one word to describe it would be "untenable."  As good as Newton looked (much more like a "real" quarterback than anyone would have guessed) the reasons people doubted early success didn't just disappear with one big game.  While we feel a lot better about our expectation that Newton will be a really good player, he's still a rookie and the Cardinals secondary might just stink.  If you have an extra bench spot, take a flier and hope to catch lighting in a bottle but its way too early to expect more.  If you do, you'll end up just like Carolina, picking high in next year's draft.

One side effect of Newton's unexpected competence was the potential resurrection of Steve Smith.  In what feels like another lifetime, Smith was a fantasy beast.   But with 178 yards (his highest total since October 2006), he's already a third of the way to last years total and his 2 touchdowns have already matched what he gave owners last season.  If the Panthers end up in a bunch of shootouts (or blowouts) and Newton can reliably get the ball down the field, Smith might find himself reentering starter territory for the first time in years.  He''ll never be the stud we once knew but he's at least making a case to again being THE Steve Smith.

2.  Chad Ochostinko, WR, New England Patriots.


How does a former Pro Bowler play in an offense that not only scores 38 points but has its quarterback throw for  a mind-numbing 517 yards on 32 completions (virtual us, with 99s across the board, on rookie couldn't do any better) and manage only 1 catch for 14 yards?  Was he being used as the world's finest decoy?  Did he give his uniform to a fan to wear as a gag?  Is he really Randy Moss, circa 2010?  Either way, with all the action going on around him you'd have figured Ocho would have at least stumbled into something like 4 for 60 and a passable fantasy day.  Instead, we're left to ponder whether, after one game, its premature to conclude that the rejuvenation tour is already cancelled.  Don't panic quiet yet, knowing that he only played 18 snaps, but if that number doesn't grow consistently, start moving your finger toward the button.

3.  Random Good Week 1 Numbers, Shitty Quarterbacks, Crappy Teams.


Chad Henne:  416 yards passing, 2 TDs.  59 yards rushing, 1 TD.

Kyle Orton:  301 yards, 1 TD

Jay Cutler:  312 yards, 2 TDs

Matt Hasselbeck: 263 yards, 2 TDs

Rex Grossman: 305 yards, 2 TDs.

Every single one of these guys outscored [Fill in the Blank] Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, Matt Ryan, Sam Bradford and Josh Freeman.  If you were on the wrong end of a game involving any of these players, you have permission to kick your opponent in the soul (or if your opponent happened to start one of the above-mentioned Shitty Quarterbacks, kick him/her where his/her soul should be).  Going forward, we wouldn't trust a goddamn one of these jokers.

4.  Donovan McNabb, QB, Minnesota Vikings.


7 for 15.  39 yards.  Really #5, did you seriously just do that?  Didn't you used to be, like, good and stuff?   That's disgrace worthy of making us consider all the nice things we said about him in our "$100 Million Always Seems Like a Good Idea at the Time" post.  Put anyone else on the team back there and they do better.  Shit, put that Dolphin with no tail from that weird "Morgan Freeman Just Got a Divorce" movie behind center and had him just nose balls over to Percy Harvin all game, and he breaks 100.  This type of thing will test the theory about whether you can retroactively invalidate a good career.  Maybe Shanahan wasn't wrong after all.  It's going to be an even longer and even colder winter for our Viking fan readers.

5.  Offense, Buffalo Bills.


Just like there's a special place in hell for people who faux-sheepishly force their way on to already overcrowded elevators, there's a special place in our posts for the Bills offense.  We wrote about them in stunned amazement as the one player who was supposed to do anything (C.J. Spiller) busted while three unheralded (and that's being kind) guys - Fred "Middling Action" Jackson, Steve "Stevie" Johnson, and Ryan "Is that the Quarterback from Harvard" Fitzpatrick - emerged as relevant fantasy contributors.  Surely it won't continue this year, right?

What's that you say, the Bills scored 41 on the Chefs?  Fitz threw 4 touchdowns, Jackson ran for 122 yards and Stevie got a tweet from the almighty telling him to get 66 yards and a touch?

Surely, we have no clue what we're talking about.  Ride your Bills, people.  Ride your Bills.

6.  Quad, Steven Jackson, RB, St. Louis Rams.


Our man crush on Jax dates back to 2006 when he tagged his 1500 yards on the ground with 90 catches and another 800 in the air.  The problem is, despite his big reputation, he's really only had one truly great season.  Still, 2 carries and a 47 yard touchdown into a season that would theoretically put him back in an offense where he could shine, it seemed like another might be in the cards.  Then he got hurt (again) and Pontiac Williams had 140 yards in his place.  Now Jax's quad is threatening to replace "Fred Taylor's Groin" as the go-to fantasy football injury joke.  Our love is a misguided one.

7.  LeGarrettee Blount, RB, Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

You know it's bad when your starting running back barely has more carries (5) then unnecessary letters in his name (3).  For an undrafted player who surprised on a surprising team as a power runner who remains deficient in areas like blocking and pass catching, 15 yards in the opening game is scary.  We've seen one-hit wonders before (Steve Slaton, anyone?) and we'll see them again.  Owners who drafted Blount high, better hope it's not him and not this year.

Real Football - $100 million Always Seems Like a Good Idea at the Time

Last week, it was widely reported (and reported and reported) that Michael Vick signed a six-year, $100 million contract making him the highest paid quarterback in Eagles history. So, even if it wasn't really $100 million but more like 5 years, $80 million, anytime you can bet the future of Andy Reid, the front office and everyone else associated with the current Eagle-regime on a 31-year old, injury-prone, jail bird, quarterback who played essentially one really good half-season for the team, you have to do it.  It's the biggest no brainer in the history of earth.

That's not to say we think the deal is a bad one. Nobody (even The Project) can say that definitively. When a player looks as dynamic and potentially dominant as Vick did during (at least a stretch of) last season, it seems like a good idea. But then again, it always seems like a good idea at at the time.

Now, we all know football contracts aren't worth the paper their written on and $100 million dollars isn't really a $100 million dollars.  No matter how long or how much they pretend to be worth, these contracts are essentially a series of one-year deals where the only thing that matters is guaranteed money.  We get all that.  But still, crossing that $100 million barrier is a big deal.  Doing so signals a monumental commitment to a player and teams certainly don't make that type of commitment lightly.  Teams don't just go throwing around $100 million contracts that they don't think will work out.

So since Vick's deal was reported to be $100 million, why not go back and take a look at the other $100 million deals and see how they worked out?  Like other things that seem awesome but later turn out not so great, we're grading the Walk of Shame/Tell Your Friends Scale.

Michael Vick - 10 years, $130 million (2004)


Might as well start with Vick's first "$100 million Contract."  Vick signed this deal towards the end of the 2004 season which saw the Falcons lose to the Eagles in the NFC Championship Game and Vick appear to be developing into the player we all expected  him to be coming out of Va Tech.  You know how the rest of the story plays out, it's your typical boy gets involved in illegal dog fighting ring, murders dogs, gets arrested, goes bankrupt, goes to jail, gets out, actually becomes the player everyone wanted him to be and makes millions of dollars all over again.  Just like a Hollywood picture.

Verdict:  Perp walk of shame.


Albert Haynesworth - 7 years, $100 million (2009)

In keeping with the Snyder-era tradition of winning the off season but failing miserably once actual football starts, the Skins handed out the only $100 million deal to a defensive player ever and would have been better off setting the money on fire as part of the Six Flags Batman Stunt Spectacular.  In fairness, Haynesworth came to D.C. with two straight All-Pro selections and a Defensive Player of the Year Award (from the Sporting News, at least).  But perhaps the fact that his own team (the one that presumably knew him best) offered about a third of what Washington paid, should have been a clue of what was to come.

His time in Washington was largely without incident, save for the constant complaints about the position he was asked to play, the 4 game suspension of insubordination, and, of course, his inability to pass a "conditioning test" that prompted approximately 4 million people to post you tube videos proving themselves in better shape than the highest paid defender in the NFL (including a fat guy who apparently did half the test in cargo shorts). His two year combined stats in D.C.: 33 tackles, 3.5 sacks. His stats during his last season in Tennessee: 41 tackles, 8.5 sacks.  He's now poised to help the Pats win another Super Bowl.  The biggest free agent bust of all time.

Verdict: Walk of Shame from a seedy motel in a bad section of town, in the rain, missing a shoe.

Brett Favre - 10 years, $100 million (2001)

In 2001, Brett Favre was a 32-year old, 3-time MVP, 3-time 1st team All-Pro, 1-time Super Bowl Champion. When he was traded to the Jets 7 years later, he was a 39-year old, 3-time MVP, 3-time 1st team All-Pro, 1-time Super Bowl Champion quarterback.  Favre had a great career but when the Packers lavished him with this deal, his best years were far behind him.  The Pack won only 3 playoff games and, except for a resurgent 2007 season that saw the team lose to the Giants in the NFC Championship game, seemed to decline for the balance of a career where the legend outgrew the player and eventually became a burden on the organization.  Favre's time in Green Bay ended in his first (of many) faked retirement and the aforementioned trade to the Jets.  Maybe the progression should be expected as the Dongslinger aged but this deal was the definition of buying high.

Verdict: Tell your friends and remember the good times fondly, but admit that you stayed too long.

Daunte Culpepper - 10 years, $102 million (2003)

Oh lord. It's hard to believe that at some point in this universe (as opposed to some alternate one where his knee was never shredded and his career worked out better) that Daunte Culpepper earned a $100 million payday. But it happened and he did.  After following up his Pro Bowl first year as a starter (33 TDs) with two wholly unimpressive years in which he threw more picks and touchdowns and the team failed to make the playoffs, the Vikes gambled big and signed CulpepperCulpepper improved in the first year of the deal before exploding for 4,700 yards, 39 touchdowns and only 11 picks. Culpepper seemed destined for stardom and Minnesota looked like geniuses.

And then, after a disappointing 7 game start (particularly for fantasy owners who picked him in the first round) in 2005, he absolutely destroyed his knee, tearing up the ACL, PCL and MCL, snuffing out his rising star and ending his time as an effective NFL quarterback.  He would never play another game for the Vikings and, even after being traded to Miami (who chose him instead of Drew Brees due to medical concerns. Nice job Saban) and never again threw more than 5 (yes, as in the number of fingers on each hand) touchdowns in a season. Culpepper now stars for the Sacramento Mountain Lions of the UFL.

Verdict: Tell your friends all about your super-hot girlfriend ... who died in a tragic car accident.

Ben Roethlisberger - 8 years, $102 million (2008)

Large Benjamin may or may not be a rapist.  And he certainly is a creepy idiot who does dumb things like ride motorcycles without helmets.  But, as much as it deeply pains us to say it, he’s also a damn good quarterback.  He’s not clinical in the Manning/Brady/Brees mode but, due in no small part to the fact that defenders just can’t seem to bring his big ass down, he gets the job done as well as anyone.

If Culpepper’s deal illustrates the pitfalls of betting big on a young quarterback, Roethlisberger’s shows the best case scenario.  The deal was signed coming off a Ben’s best (and so far only) Pro Bowl season in 2007. He was only 26 at the time but while he had already won a Super Bowl at that point (most would agree it was done as much in spite of as because of his play), signing a quarterback who seemed poised to earn the “winner” tag but never put up elite numbers screamed “buying high.”  As excellent organizations often do, Pittsburgh identified the right player and were rewarded with a second Super Bowl in 4 years, this time very much on the strength of Roethlisberger’s play. In the two years since, Ben has shouldered more of the load on offense, made another Super Bowl appearance and, that pesky rape thing aside, become one of the top players at his position.  And thanks to the ability of on-field performance to make us collectively forget past discretions MIB-style, he’s become likable again.

Verdict: Tell your friends. And, as you fall asleep at night, tell yourself he made just a one-time mistake.

Drew Bledsoe - 10 years, $103 million (2001)

It will be interesting to see how history ultimately remembers Bledsoe who had a good career for a fairly long time with 4 Pro Bowls and a Super Bowl appearance before falling apart.  No matter how he's remembered though, this contract was an absolute disaster.  After two consecutive seasons in which his team missed the playoffs, Bledsoe signed what looked like a lifetime deal to end his career with the Pats.  Unfortunately for him, but fortunately for the Pats, two games into the 2001 season, Mo Lewis altered NFL history by shearing a blood vessel in Bledsoe's chest and thrusting Tom Brady into the starting role.  The rest is history and, less than one season into his deal, so was Bledsoe's time in New England.  He was traded to the Bills and missed out on a chance to be part of the sport's modern dynasty.  Wally Pipp even thinks he got a raw deal.

Verdict:   Walk of shame due to inability to consummate.

Eli Manning - 7 years, $107 million (2009)

Is Eli an "elite" quarterback?  Is he in the "class" of Tom Brady?  Probably not (or definitely not on the second one but let's not forget Brady wasn't always a statistical beast pre-Moss).  But what was he supposed to say to those questions?  Anyway, Eli signed a $97 million extension on top of his existing deal to put him in the $100 million club and make him, at the time at least, the highest paid quarterback in annual salary.  At the time he was 28, a Super Bowl MVP and coming off a Pro Bowl season.  While he tends to be mistake prone, he's a solid Top 7ish player at the most important position in football, stays healthy, never gets in trouble and is the fulcrum of the team's offense.  Sure, we're biased toward our guy but if a team is going to give out this type of money, he's the exact type of guy they should give it to.

Verdict: Tell your friends and start planning your wedding date.

Donovan McNabb - 12 years, $115 million (2002)

This one is kind of ironic in a "how we all misuse the term"/"rain on your wedding day" kind of way since this whole conversation arises from the Eagles signing McNabb’s replacement.  Eagle fans may have turned on McNabb since they’ve officially turned into zombies with an insatiable lust for a Super Bowl, but it’s hard to argue with this deal in any way.  In 2002, the Eagles signed the then 25-year old McNabb who was coming off two 11-5 seasons and two Pro Bowls in his first two years as a full-time starter. All he did was give them another 8 years of consistently winning football in which he never threw more interceptions than touchdowns, 9 playoff victories and a near-miss at the Super Bowl. Sure he got hurt a few times and missed games and (maybe) he puked at an inopportune time and (maybe) had a hand in running the best receiver the team had ever seen out of town.  That said, the Eagles definitely got their money’s worth and this may be the best deal of the bunch.

Verdict: Sing about it in a car full of differently dressed versions of Donovan McNabb.

Carson Palmer - 9 years, $119 million (2005)

Another cautionary tale. Palmer, a former #1 overall pick, was in the midst of his second NFL season in which he threw 32 touchdowns and lead the perpetually awful Bengals to an 11-5 season and a playoff berth when, on December 29, he signed this massive extension. At the time, Palmer was quoted as saying:

"Hopefully this is the last place I'll end up playing … That's so rare in this league these days. It's so rare to see a person have a 5-, 8-, 10-, 12-year career in one place. And I feel very fortunate that it looks like that's going to be my future."

Ten days later, on January 8, 2006 during the teams first home playoff game, the Steelers, Kimo von Oelhoffen came in low on a rush and blew out Palmer’s knee. The Steelers went on to win the Super Bowl and, despite coming back quickly from surgery and putting up decent numbers, neither Palmer nor the Bengals have ever been the same.  Palmer is now "retired" after losing his patience with the rinky-dink Bengals operation and the Bengals are holding him hostage. We have a feeling this wasn’t the “whole career in one place” he had in mind.

Verdict: Run of shame as they shout “If I can’t have you, nobody can.”

Larry Fitzgerald - 8 years, $120 million (2011)


There's a reason why most of the players on this list are quarterbacks and why the worst deal on the list was the one given to a defensive player - quarterbacks are the only players important enough to even remotely justify that type of outlay.  As good as Fitz is, his 90 catches and 1100 yards weren't worth more than 5 wins last season with a bad set of quarterbacks.  Maybe time will be kind to this deal but we're not bullish on this one.

Verdict:  Still at the bar drinking, outcome TBD.

Semi-Live Blogging the Republic Debate

Now that we've finished our ice cream and are hopped up on sugar, we've officially ready for the big bad Republican debate.  We have Brian Williams, some internet dude and an airplane.  It doesn't get any better than this.

First up, Rick Perry.  AKA - the New George Bush.

Jobs, jobs, jobs.

Ohhh, interesting facts about each candidate.  This should be good.

Tidbit on Perry - met his wife in elementary school.  That's a little weird.   Was she a student?  Parents, keep your eyes on this guy.

Mitt Romney is a creep.  He just stands there gazing at everyone.  He's making us uncomfortable from 3,000 miles away.

Romney Tidbit - Ran the 2002 Winter Olympics.  Wish we could remember anything about any winter olympics ever.

Slap fight between Romney and Perry complete with a gratuitous shot at Al Gore.  There's no truth to the rumor to Gore is in full beard mode watching from the cockpit of the plane hanging from the ceiling.

Rick Santorum:  Gets shit done, apparently.  Very profound.

Santorum tidbit:  One of Time's Top 25 Evangelicals in 2005.  In 3 years all his wins will be vacated.

Herman Caine:  9-9-9, bitch!!

nahn, nahn nahn, 10% for god, 9% for the federal government.  Amazing.  Not springily that gets a big reaction.  People love to pay god.

His plan involves helping cities.  Too bad republicans don't care about cities - that's where poor people live.

Random lawyer looking guy Tidbit:  Plays the keyboard.  Is that something to be proud of?  Not unless it's a keytar.

Things Mitt Romey doesn't get about China:  the chopsticks,

Michelle Bachman in the house.

Nancy Regan is 90 with no face wrinkles and she looks more natural.

Things we learned:  Michelle eats a restaurants with her 47 children who she forces to work at an early age.  Got it.  Thanks.

Somehow the guy who wants to abolish government is the sanest of the bunch.

Newt.  Oh, Newt.

Write a book, he'll write the forward.

Tidbit on Newt:  Married to his third secretary/wife.

Newt was a lot more interesting when he was played by Chris Farley on SNL.

Newt:  Obama is a class warlord.

Who the fuck in John Harris?  Oh, the internet guy.

technical difficulties.

Ron Paul.  Shrugger.  Love this guy.  He doesn't give a rat ass about your government.

has delivered 4,000+ babies which is ironically more than the amount of votes he'll get in the primary.

Real politics break:  Apparently Mitt Romney doesn't understand the constitution if he thinks the Secretary of Health and Human Services can issue executive orders overriding federal law.  Sounds good on tv though.

Rick Perry can defend last place.  And if you don't think he will, you're a crazy liberal douchebag.  Obamacare is responsible for all uninsured in Texas.  FACTS ARE OPTIONAL AT THIS DEBATE.

Huntsman (lawyer looking dude):  his political strategists must have told him using first names would make him seem personable.  We think it makes him seem like a prick.

Bachman:  Wow, fact alert.  Executive Orders won't work.  Who saw that coming?  Not us.

Attention American Voters:  You are out.  Michelle Bachman is now in charge of electing senators.  Enjoy your day off.

Newt has no interest in turing this debate into an actual debate.  Making it clear they're all the same kind of crazy.   The Justice League of Republicans have officially banded together to stop the evil Obama!!    Newt is the Green Lantern.

Cain tidbit:  Worked for Burger King.  Coined the phrase "flame broiled"

Rick Santorum, do you care about the poor?  Rick Santorum works "on the poor" ... in the third person, of course.  Poor people:  Rick Santorum took away your welfare for your own damn good.  You can send thank you cards directly to 1 I Don't Give a Shit About You Lane, Rickland, Santorumville.

Rick Perry - thoughts on a income gap between blacks and whites?  Answer:  Government sucks.  Additionally, Perry does not know Santorum's name.

Evoking Kennedy not big for this audience.  Big surprise?

Twitter Question Time!!

Romney's energy policy:  Burn everything ... and, oh yeah, some renewable resources too if we have to.

Huntsman:  $2 gas my ass people!!  This man speaks from his heart and soul.  And his ass, as well.

Ron Paul just well asleep.  That man is not getting enough burn here.

Nevermind.  Softball for Ronnie Paul.  Scrap the minimum wage, of course.  LET THE MAN FINISH!!  Silver dimes are the key to the economy.  They're worth 3 dollars.

Ron Paul just lost the election.  You don't talk shit on Reagan in his own library.  The silence is defending.

MONTAGE!!

Romey holding strong on the creepy gaze thing.

Rick Perry comes off as infinitely more intelligent than Bush but also infinitely less charismatic.

How do you talk about social security without scaring seniors?  Wait five minutes until they forget.

Perry promises provocative language and .... Herman Caine baby!!  He'll interrupt your monolog to talk about Chile.  Chile is the model for economic freedom people.  Don't dispute Herman's Chilean model facts.  You do not need retirement accounts when you die in mine disasters.

Ron Paul:  Still talking about things that people don't really care about.  No executive orders, sure to be a big election issue for voters.

Bachman:  Is it incredibly humid in California?  Her hair is huge.

Perry feels like a piñata?  Somebody get Herman Caine a bat, please!!

Santorum just filed a patent application for the "puzzled look."

7 children?  One day the Santorum-Caine army will rule the known world.

Mitt Romney loves "amrca"

Good to see Newt isn't above the old fashion scare tactics.  Three nuclear attacks in one morning?  Nobody is that productive before noon.

Ron Paul doesn't' take kindly to the TSA's grabbiness.  He'd rather have Mossad agents with automatic weapons.

Ron Paul doesn't think our soldiers need air conditioning.  That type of lack of patriotism don't fly here son.

HERMAN CAINE!!!  Off his meds, swatting at imaginary bugs.  Can we vote for him today?  Please?

Huntsman:  Let me just say ...... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Holy fuck.  What's with all the issues?

Perry:  Schools.  Highest 4th graders in the county.  Immigrants.  Ebay.

New colleague.  TELEMUNDO!!!

This guy can't feel comfortable in front of these characters.  Newt just called the INS.

Boots on the ground.  Boots on the ground.  Looking like a fool with your boots on the ground.

Predator drones?  If they're good enough to blow up terrorists, they're good enough to keep out mexicans.

Romney wants to build a fence that he admits won't work.  Sounds logical.

Can you picture Newt under his blanket at night with a flashlight reading Regan's diary.

English as the official language gets a big clap.  Apparently this is not a Telemundo studio audience.

Signs you should kill yourself:  Vaguely agreeing with something Rick Santorum says.

What color is the fence?  Is it subject to a neighborhood association to ensure it maintains a consistent look?

 It doesn't matter what they say, the contrast between Caine's raw power and Huntman's CLE instructor act is simply jarring.

If President Reagan were here today he'd smell and probably be a little confused as to why there's a giant plane in the middle of the room.

Barbed wire fence with machine guns?  We saw something like that in Berlin once.  Maybe they can consult on the project.

Holy shit!! We're trapped by the giant fence by ... wait, who's keeping us hostage inside the country again?

Asymmetrical.

Huntsman believes in strengthening the core.  Two years ago he was all about cardio.  The man has no principles.

Mitt Romney:  Still creepy.

9-11, 9-11, 9-11, 9-11.

"Military Adventurism" premieres this Tuesday on Discovery after "Sons of Guns" and before "One Man Army."

Prosps to Perry for giving prosps to Seal Team 6.  Big time prosps.

If you have trouble speaking clearly, shouldn't you stick to your website and not branch out into republic debates moderation?  Just a thought.

Michelle, if you tell everyone the secrets, they're not secrets anymore.

A global calify sounds really bad.

Ronald Regan's brain melted like the wicket witch of the west.

Which one of these people says crazy and asinine things?  Answer:  Everyone!!  That was not a difficult question, Internet Guy.

Rick Perry has now referenced John Maynard Keynes and Galileo in back to back questions.  He's clearly a member of the Illuminati.  Apparently he didn't get the memo that science has no place in the republican platform.

Totally agree with the thought we should be more like Spain.  The siesta plan is well overdue.

Newt is deepening my depression.

It's good to see that Rick Perry doesn't take offense to the fact that Alaska is bigger than Texas.  Sweet of Newt to check with him first.

Things Romney has a bit of a hard time with:  smiling, not tanning, making people believe he's not a robot, winning elections, moving his face, not being a creep, keeping us from nodding off

continued:  saying demonstrably.

Rick Perry supports hearings, appeals and frying people.  YOU WILL EXPERIENCE THE ULTIMATE JUSTICE

WILD APPLAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even Brian Williams was disturbed by that one.  This thing just got very deathy.

Internet Guy makes a hard left back to taxes before Herman can get in on death (his proposal is to kill all criminals himself).  We support this whole-heartedly).  And thank god he does - NAHN NAHN NAHN.  VISA VERSA.  RECESSION SINCE DEPRESSION.  That's music to the ears people.

And with that, it is over.  A painful night has come to an end.  Think of how boring this is going to get when Herman is inevitably eliminated.  Only you can stop it from happening, people.

YES YOU CAIN!!!!

Rutgers Football - Random Observations from the 2011 Season Opener

September is the kind of thing that sneaks up on you.  One day your sitting on the beach, the next your wondering if Hurricane-induced flooding is going to extend your weekend (it didn't) and then your sitting in section 224 watching Rutgers play and wondering where your summer went.  Still, even as we mourn the last remnants of summer slipping through our fingers, it was good to be there, good to have football back.  Especially (even?) our beloved Scarlet Knights.

If you're an honest Rutgers fan, you'll admit that ever since November 9, 2006 (the day they beat Louisville) the football team has been a varying degree of disappointing.  They left that game undefeated and poised to walk into the BCS only to lose in Cincinnati a week later and close the season with a crushing triple overtime loss to West Virginia that ended with a dropped 2-point conversion.  The following 3 seasons started with Big East title and Sugar Bowl hopes and ended with 8 or 9 wins and a bowl not worth going into debt for.  

But the disappointment was just a product of raised expectations.  After years of being a laughingstock, it seemed Rutgers had finally settled into being comfortably mediocre.  Like a neglected dog who gets adopted, we'd finally gotten comfortable with our surroundings.  And then last year happened.   A soft 4-8 had us feeling like we'd been left out in the cold all night and wondering if we'd ever be let back in.

It with that background that we got our first glimpse of the 2011 Rutgers Scarlet Knights.  And the results we're ... reassuringly middle-of-the-road.  Rutgers is back, baby!!

Here are our Things We Thought We Thaw

1. 2011 will be a better year than 2010.  And that's really all that matters.  We were nervous heading in, wondering if Schiano had lost the team and just hoping last year was a blip.  While it's unclear whether the it will be reflected in their record or not, but this version of the team is much better than last year's.  After giving up 3 first-half sacks in a wildly unimpressive 31-0 win (they lead 6-0 at the half) against a similarly over matched MEAC opponent in Norfolk State to open last season, Rutgers looked the part of a mid-tier major conference team last night steamrolling North Carolina Central University.  It wasn't pretty (Rutgers rarely opens up the playbook in these early games) but in most areas they were fundamentally better.   

2.  The Offensive Line is less than putrid.  Like the offensive line for instance.  Last season's line performance was putrid.  The 3 sacks they gave up against Norfolk State might have been the high point of a year that quarterbacks go unprotected (either the deposed Tom Savage or the hopeful hero Chas "Chaz" Dodd) and running lanes a myth.  Against NCCU, they kept the pressure off most of the night (the only exception being bootlegs the defense sniffed out) and managed to keep the backs from being hit behind the line of scrimmage too often.  They didn't dominate but the hope is that they can grow as the season progresses.  Tepid praise, indeed, but better than we've seen.

3.  Having "Real" Running Backs Helps.  Last seasons two top running backs were Joe Martinek and Jordan Thomas.  This year, Martinek, a tough runner who always seemed a step slow to be a Big East workhorse, is the starting fullback and Thomas, a speedster who may or may not run with his eyes closed, is a third-string corner.  The rub of those moves is that they made room for two of the school's biggest backfield recruits ever - De'Antwan "Rocket" Williams and Savon "The Savior" Huggins.  Huggins' story is well known - the first top-ranked New Jersey recruit to play for Rutgers, who comes at a time when the program needs a star the most - and he didn't disappoint.  His performance wasn't electric (11 carries, 33 yards) but he showed the type of vision and patience that makes the early comparisons to the great Ray Rice not seem all that insane.  His two scores - and the fact that they gave him the ball 3 straight times on the goal line - are hopefully a preview of things to come.  Rocket, while less well known, was even more effective.  After two seasons in which he saw essentially no playing time (even while those who had it did nothing with it), Williams found himself in the starting lineup (ahead of Huggins) and showed a tough, pads-down running style not many thought he had, gaining tough yards and even converting a 4-1.  Best of all, both Williams and Huggins showed glimpses of being players who possess the vision to make the most of what an average offensive line can give them.

4.  Speed Kills .. For years, Rutgers has looked slow.  Painfully slow.  Even during their best seasons, they seemed like they couldn't quite compete athletically, even with the better Big East teams like West Virginia.        Now, even in warm-ups, they look athletic and fast.  Chalk it up to a continually improving quality of recruits.  The coaches still need to develop the skills of these guys to match the output of less their less athletic but more accomplished predecessors but it's an encouraging sign if you're hoping this group could someday take a big step up.

5.  Especially on defense.   With the new offensive coordinator, Frank Cignetti, taking over that side of the ball, Schiano can focus more on his area of expertise - the defense.  After seasons where they seemed to be trying to get bigger, they've gone back to their more traditional speed-based approach that involves moving players up in position.  Running backs become corners.  Corners become safeties.  Safeties become linebackers.  Linebackers move to end.  Ends to tackle.  And tackles to offensive guard.  The result is a team that might get run over but can fly to the ball.  It's worked for them in the past so there's little reason to be skeptical now.  Last night they were able to get pressure with their front four (something they NEVER did last year) and close down any openings in coverage by flying to the ball.  

6.  Three Times Is A Charm.  That's the number of separate times we threw our hands up in the air and said "AYO."  We just had to let go.  Rutgers loves them some Taio Cruz and so do we.  Dy-no-mite!!

7.  They Call it a "Scheme" for a Reason.  Having an offensive scheme implies some sort of plan.  A concept of what the team wants to do and how it's going to attack the opposition.  Last season, they called plays like your friend who doesn't know how to navigate an X-Box controller.  Hey, let's run a dive.  Wait, why how bout 5 wide and everyone just runs the same place.  Maybe we should run the "Wild Knight" 47 times in a row.  In 2011, look for them to return to the old, somewhat boring, power running game.  They have a ton of weapons on the outside we'd love to see them use, but at least they have a concept now.

8.  Will You Two Please Shut the Fuck Up.  Last year we wrote about the infamous "Look At This Guy" and his dad.  Well, when we renewed our tickets and kept our seats, we hope beyond hope that they would move up somewhere, anywhere where we couldn't hear them.  Less than 30 seconds into the game when LATG blamed a 14 yard kickoff return on the cover team "running down there too fast", we realized there is no god.  

9.  Too Many Cooks Spoil The Broth.  While, anyone who lives with a bunch of people and consumes large amounts of broth will agree with that statement, we'd suspect anyone who watched the game yesterday to agree with the following:  Playing too many players ruins the rhythm.  Last night, Rutgers consistently played 4 running backs, 5 receivers and 2 quarterbacks.  That's way too much.  Hopefully they were treating it like a preseason game and will whittle down the rotation a bit in future games but anything that has Sanu or Mark Harrison on the sidelines for large periods of time doesn't work for us.  One last thing before we go get ourselves a nice large glass of broth.  

10.  A Putty Tat.  Yeah, we made that joke.  Soooo lame.  Speaking of lame, they've apparently dumbed the "Rutgers State of Mind" song.  Thank goodness.  We'll take credit for that.