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We love interesting stuff. Doesn't matter if it' good or bad, just as long as its not boring. So going into Saturday night's preview showing of "Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark", we had no expectations, only hope it would be interesting. We were not disappointed. Don't get us wrong, it wasn't good by any means. It was just spectacular ... spectacularly, bad. From the flat, boring music to Spiderman being turned into a whiny bitch to the villains that were less menacing as a drag show to the awfulness that will be forever etched in our memory that was Arachne, it was ....just .... so ... bad. In the spirit of Broadway, let's take it from the top ...
(Don't worry if you don't get the title, after enduring it for 3 hours we still don't what the hell "Turn Off The Dark" means.)
The Big Opening
The anticipation in the theater as palpable as the musicians took the stage (we kept hoping the two duded with Bono and The Edge disguises as a redheaded Jewish guy and a long-haired, leather-vested, rocker dude) and jumped right into the first chords of the shows "Spiderman Theme" (which sounds a lot like a recycled "do-do-do-do-do" riff from "Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me") as the curtain rose revealing our hero, on a bridge (the sets were actually really good) doing a supposed-to-be dramatic slow motion run towards his love Mary Jane (or MJ for the uninitiated) as she hung precariously off the edge (of the bridge, not the dude with the wool hat). It was a good start, until the confusion set in:
Oh, no, MJ fell, good thing Spiderman is there to save her!! ... Wait, why is he still running in slow motion? ... Maybe if he ran a little faster you'd save her!! ... Seriously, enough with the slow motion ... Is that voice over the loudspeaker yelling "Stop" part of the show? ... What the hell is going on.
Apparently she wasn't supposed to fall, so they stopped the show due to a "technical malfunction" and that pretty much set the tone for the rest of the nights festivities. When they finally restarted 10 minutes later, they simply blew off that first scene completely and introduced us to ...
The Geek Chorus
(Get it? it's like "Greek Chorus" except its different!)
So these 4 kids just walk on stage with no explanation of what's supposed to be happening and start babbling about Spiderman's history. For about 5 minutes we sat there figuring this was just some diversion while they got things ready to restart the real show. No such luck.
Then we thought they might be comic relief but they failed to say anything remotely funny (or even earn a courtesy laugh from the eager to please audience). From what we read later they were supposed to be coming up with some sort of "fan fiction" or something. It was never quite clear how they fit in. (So they're writing the story? Then why are they in Spiderman's bedroom talking to him? Maybe it's better if we just stop thinking for awhile.)
What was completely clear, however, was that they were cool, urban geeks. You could tell because one of them was wearing fingerless gloves (he also inexplicably had a guitar with him at one point), another had thick black-rimmed glasses and the other two, they wore wool hats.
Beyond providing an element of confusion, there main contribution was to introduce the audience to ....
Arachne
In a all-star cast of terrible decisions, she was the undisputed star. (We like to think of her as the water skis to the producers' Fonzi.)
Oh, Arachne. How we hate you so. Apparently, her back story is some JV-level Greek myth about a woman who was really good at weaving that she beat Athena (the Goddess of Weaving, of course) in a Weave-Off, so Athena gets all pissy and makes her the first spider. You see, it's relevant because Spiderman also has something to do with spiders. The only good thing she did was provide us with the chance to witness someone spontaneously bury their face in their hands with disgust when she kept popping up at random times.
So when they're done shoehorning her in, we move right along to ...
The Spiderman Origin Story
You now the drill. Boy is gigantic wussy, boy loves girl nest door, boy gets beat up by bullies, boy gets bitten by a radioactive spider that gives him superpowers. Pretty standard stuff. As part of this chapter, we get treated to lots and lots of ...
Dance Fighting
$53 kajillion dollars (give or take) and they can't make the fights looks like fights instead of raves? All that was missing were the glow sticks and lollipops. They had better fights in "Jersey Boys." At least in that show they didn't blatantly throw punches that missed by a good 3 yards.
Not to be outdone, they included a scene where Spiderman actually fights a giant blow-up doll that is supposed to be a wrestler. We are not kidding. He. Fought. A. Blow-up. Doll. Imagine how bad and silly you would think that would be and then multiply it by 7 million. You're halfway there.
Let's move on to the only good part of the show ...
The Green Goblin
The Green Goblin (Norman Osborn - the creator of the spider that bit Peter Parker - after doing genetic experiments on himself), played with a certain "80's Robin Williams Doing Stand-up With a Southern Accent"-mania that was a welcome diversion from the ongoing shit show. It was the only 20 minutes of fun in the almost 3-hour slog, including one cool aerial fight scene that had both he and Spidey swooping over the stage. Of course, he dies unceremoniously and we get ....
Intermission
Despite the slow start, we thought they might keep the momentum going. Unfortunately, things went right off the rails immediately in Act 2 with the introduction of ...
The Sinister Six
How do you screw up a group of six of the most evil villains in the Spiderman universe? Well, you can start by introducing them through a "Villain Beauty Pageant." Yeah, that really happened. Read it again if you don't believe us.
The producers must have figured, what better way to raise the danger level then to have the bad guys make like "Right Said Fred" on the catwalk. It might not have been so bad it they didn't all look do goddamn ridiculous. Ladies and gentlemen, we present the "Sashaying Six"
Carnage: Something that's supposed to look like this ...
... shouldn't remind us of this purple freak:
... we got this guy with sparklers in his hands and on the top of his head.
Kraven the Hunter: A dangerous Australian "hunter of man" ...
The Lizard: Why why do something like this ...
... when you can make him a fat scientist who "transforms' by having one of these protrude from his neck:
Swarm: A concept is so ridiculous the costume really didn't matter. A Nazi scientist made of radioactive bees ...
Swiss Miss: A character they openly made up who looked as scary as this woman ..
... carrying a pinwheel of death.
Somehow, Spiderman is able to dispose of this deadly group in about 45 seconds. But then he's really tiredso he takes a nap and has some ...
Floaty Spider Almost Sex
Arachne returns!! Don't worry folks, she wasn't just there to make the first part of the show really boring. No, she's going to absolutely obliterate the second act as well. So, apparently, after she was made the first spider, she got stuck in the completely contrived "astral plane" where she's supposedly been waiting and she's been waiting for Spiderman (?) to free her (??) or some other random, no making sense crap. So visits Spidey in his dream and they have some kind of floaty spider almost sex. It's as weird as it sounds. Of course, Peter wakes up just in time to ...
Miss MJ's Play
So they're together now? When and how exactly did that happen? And how did she end up in a production of "The Fly" on Broadway? Either way, she's pissed, they fight, break up perhaps, and we get a heaping helping of ...
Whining
Holy shit was Spiderman whiny - I'm not cool. You're old and smell like mothballs Aunt May. I love MJ but but I can't because I'm Spiderman and there are villains out there with pinwheels and sparklers who might hurt her. I'm so sad. The music Dashboard Confessional speaks to me. I don't want to be a super hero anymore. Let's sing a song.
God, what a mush. So, whiny Peter decides to quit the superhero game and ...
Eat Canned Peaches With MJ
Peter and MJ get together, they dance to U2 music (really, you're that arrogant that you play your own music, guys?) and enjoy canned peaches, together. Everything is great, until ...
The Blackout
Arachne continues her plan to do whatever it is she's supposed to be doing by causing a blackout in the city because she wants Peter to go back to being Spiderman (why? Let us know if you can figure it out) so she decides to use her powers (where did she get powers, exactly?) to turn off all the lights in the city and ...
Resurrect the Bad Guys
Oh goody!! The Green Goblin is back. Sadly, he brought the Sinister Six with him. How to they celebrate their resurrection? Why, dance fighting all over the city, of course. They're killing people by reenacting scenes from Madonna's "Vogue" video and since Spiderman has retired to a life of bitching and whining with MJ, things get downright CRAZY!!
Spidey could care less. He's got peaches to eat. So Arachne takes things to a whole new level by crossing over from the completely contrived astral plane by using the power of ...
Pairs of Stolen Shoes
Rex Ryan would have loved this part. Apparently, putting on stolen high heels gives her the power to do whatever it is she did cause she's had enough of whatever she's had enough of. She kidnaps MJ to finally get Spidey back in action. Spidey in understandably distraught so he does what any good hero would do, he ....
Runs and Runs and Runs and Runs and Runs
So far away, but he couldn't get away. And he sang the whole time. just running and singing. This is a good place to talk about ....
The Music
We're big U2 fans so we figured, at the very least, the music and lyrics by Sunglasses and the Beanie would be good. Apparently, we miunderestimated the stark difference between writing rock music and writing lyrical, storytelling show music. The songs sounded like an outtake from U2's next album - "How To Build An Atomic Bomb on Broadway" - and with a few rare exceptions, they didn't seem to have anything to do with or advance the story at all. For example, the running thing. Spiderman is just running and running and running and running and he's signing a song about something, (running, perhaps?) but by the end all you can think is - "Wow, that guy must be tired from all that running". We doubt that's what they were going for.
So after he's done with his jog, Spidey kills all the bad guys again (this time in a record 30 seconds) by doing "Street Fighter" moves and making them explode into red goo. But, uh oh, MJ is back on the bridge and Spidey is doing some more slo-mo running. She she falls, on purpose this time, and so begins ...
The Big Dumb Finale
Spidey jumps off the bridge after MJ (Maybe he was trying to save her? Maybe he was trying to kill himself? Maybe he was shooting for an aolymipic gold metal? You guess is as good as ours). Either way, he ends up in Arachne's web where MJ is being held hostage. Arachne blabs about wanting to take him back acrioss the astral plane with him in exchange for freeing MJ. They have a lame-ass fight until Spidey gives up and says he'll go with her. Then, for reasons only known to the writers and not shared with the lowly audience, Arachne inexplicably decides that's enough for her and agrees to let him and MJ go. No worries because then Spidey kisses her on the forhead and she's magically free (WTF!?!). As she floats away to whever it is things float to, she reveals to Peter that is was all an ....
ILLUSION!!!
Wait, what? Was it just the blackout? The whole show? Did the top stop spinning? Anyway, Spidey, now awake, is back with MJ, who apparently knows his true identity, and goes back to fighting crime ...
The End.
Based on our extensive knowledge of Broadway history, we have to expect that this musical, superhero, extravaganza of absurdity will go down not only as the most expensive production in history but also the biggest bust. We can't imagine how this thing is ever going to make it's money back. In fact, we wouldn't be suprised if once word gets around it never actually opens (though the sheer amount of money at stake probably means it will). Either way, as fans of highly questionable art, we highly encourage you to witness it for yourself before the dark is turned off for good.
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