Things We Hate - Train Blech

Despite our general, potentially-inaccurate feeling that we’re nice, laid-back people, we really hate a lot of stuff. Sure, most of the things that annoy us have no real bearing on our lives and probably don’t even register with normal people but that’s not going to stop us from trying to make a regular feature out of it. As we always say, if people don’t care, write about it. Hasn’t failed us yet.

Today's subject of our scorn, the band Train's two "hit" songs, "Hey Soul Sister" and "If It's Love." It’s not like they’re not catchy tunes, in fact, while writing "If It's Love" is running through our heads, making us want to go smack a kitten. It’s not even that Train is that bad in general - we remember "Meet Virginia" and "Drops of Jupiter" being vaguely decent – it’s just the ridiculousness of these two damn songs that infuriates us. Listen to both of the new songs back-to-back (if you do we are not responsible for the safety of any nearby objects or people) it should be apparent that Pat Monahan (the lead singer and primary song writer) has taken his affinity for stringing together clichés and other trite phrases to another painful level. It should also come as no surprise that (according to the infallible Wikipedia) the two songs were written together (with the help of a pair of Norwegians, ABBA was not available).

"Hey Soul Sister" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sD0b1S7QRkQ)

This is probably the less hateable of the two songs so we’ll get it out of the way first. “Hey Soul Sister” came from Monahan’s imagining what it would be like to be at "Burning Man," the Black Rock Desert festival which is billed as an “experiment in community, radical self-expression, and radical self-reliance" potentially able to change an attendees worldview and marked by the burning of a huge wooden effigy. There is nothing radical about this song and the only way it changed our worldview was to makes us hate the world even more. On to the lyrics:

Hey, hey, hey

Translation: “I have no idea how to start the song.”

Hey soul sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know! Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight

This is the chorus so we're treated to it over and over (and over) again. And it sucks. It sucks on every level but what galls us the most is the damn Mister Mister reference. What possesses someone to include a shout-out to Mister Mister in a serious manner? Was Monahan sitting there thinking about “Burning Man” and thought of half-naked people dancing around a huge fire listening to "Broken Wings?"

You gave my life direction, a game show love connection we can't deny
Boy that's sweet, comparing your love to "The Bachelor." That’s a love built to last.
I'm so obsessed, my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest

Umm … untrimmed chest … ew.

You're so gangsta, I'm so thug, you're the only one I'm dreaming of

This one tops them all. Really Train, you're so thug? Every time we hear this one we get uncontrollable douche chills. Is anyone confusing these guys with Tupac?

Hey, hey,hey … Hey, hey,hey

Translation: “I can't think of a way to end the song either.”

Tonight.

So poignant. No we know why is went quadruple platinum.

"If It's Love" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ru8aDR5uAbM) (with lyrics! - YouTube people are so enterprising)

This song is supposed to be a “thank you” to long time fans. That’s like the Giants thanking their fans by having the team defecate on the 50-yard line. Thanks for nothing suckers!!

There isn’t one original thought or phrase in the whole damn song. You’d think at least one would happen by accident. It’s just one cliché after another, strung together only because they kinda rhyme. Sure, most songs recycle the same sentiments and ideas (there are only so many in the universe) but at least not everyone is so damn blatant about it, at least they appear to be trying. Train just gave up and threw the following crap together. Fire up the “Cliché Counter” (a word to the English police, we’re using “cliché” to refer generally to trite, meaningless and overused phrases, don’t get too technical on us). Here we go:

While everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it
I'm not in it to win it
And there's a thousand ways you can skin it

#1 – “Rock stars stay up really late.” Train is so rock and roll, they stay up really late. How late? They get into bed when us poor working folk are getting up and going to work. Badass.
#2 – Being “in it to win it.” Fair enough, but even if you’re not, maybe you should at least be in it to write something original.
#3 – Multiple ways to skin something. But it rhymes!!

My feet have been on the floor
Flat like an idle singer
Remember winger
I digress

No obvious cliché here, just a nod to 80s band Winger. With the Mister Mister thing from before, this is becoming an epifuckindemic. Is pandering to fans a crappy 80’s music Train’s business model? “I do remember Winger. Please take my money.”

But I'm afraid when I hear stories
About a husband and wife
There's no happy endings
No Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me

#4 – There are no happy endings.
#5 – Someone you love being the best thing about you.

If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better
If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, Love
That's enough for me

This is the chorus so it really lights up the Cliché Counter.
#6 – Birds of a Feather, of course, flock together. And so do shitty songs.
#7 – Being addicted to love. Robert Palmer wants his song back.
#8 – Love keeps two people together. So does Al Green.
#9 – You don’t need anything more than love. Add in The Beatles.

Took a loan on a house I own
Can't be a queen bee without a bee throne

Bee throne? That’s just stupid.

I wanna buy ya everything
Except cologne
'cause it's poison

Now we’re talking. Cologne is poison. At least this is a little social commentary on animal testing or something, right? Nope.
Monahan: “Have you ever been in an elevator with a lady who just got done perfuming? If you have, you won't wonder why I wrote it.”
No, we still wonder why.

We can travel to Spain where the rain falls
Mainly on the plain side and sing
'cause it is we can laugh we can sing
Have ten kids and give them everything
Hold our cell phones up in the air
And just be glad we made it here alive
On a spinning ball in the middle of space
I love you from your toes to your face

#10 – “The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.” “My Fair Lady” came out in 1956.
#11 – Holding cell phones in the air to celebrate – at least this one is new (and by new, we mean 10 years old)
#12 – Earth is a spinning ball in the middle of space. How profound.

You can move in
I won't ask where you've been
'cause everybody has a past
When we're older
We'll do it all over again

#13 – Loving someone and not caring about their past.

Final Cliché Count: 13. In a 3:59 minute song. Don’t think we could do that if we tried.