The Real Reason Why Old People Food Shop on Weekends

Finally we have an answer to the eternal question of why, despite not having to work all week, old people are always wandering around Shop Rite on a Saturday getting in your way as they try to figure out the unit price of yogurt with the coupon (or is it a double coupon this week?  They don't know).  We get it, your on a fixed income.  Just pick the one with the fruit in the bottom and move the hell on.  We have to get shit done so we can go home and take a nap.  Um..anyway, they're at the store enraging us is because they've been busy.  Doing it.  All the damn time, apparently.

Just check out the video.  It might look look funny to you.  But this is exactly how senior citizens have sex; on the floor, fully clothed and, on most occasions, sporting their best cruise attire.  And definitely with their shoes on.  No way their going to walk around in bear feet.  They might catch a cold.

Yes, your grandmother is still doing it.  And apparently she's spreading STDs faster than low bone density.  But a calcium supplement won't help.  The only thing that will help is education.  After learning so much from our elders over the years, its our turn to teach.  So, please, sit down with your Gram/Grammy/Grandma/Nanna/Nanny/Mima/Old Lady Poopy-Pants, or whatever you call her, and talk to her about the birds and the bees.  And the clap.  Explain that STDs are bad.  They they'll cause pain in urination, discharge, rashes, ulcers, dementia and other types of mind and body failure.  And that those things are only supposed to occur naturally or as side-effects of some prescription medicine.  The old lady needs to know that its not worth that type of suffering for a few seconds of pill-induced pleasure.  Even if it is the only pleasure she has left besides 'Wheel of Fortune."

And if after watching the video asks why they're dancing like that and tells you, yet again, about her time as a flapper during the "Roaring 20's."  There's a website.  Show it to her.  Of course, you'll probably have to sign her online.  And explain to her, yet again, how to use "The Google."  But your Sunday is already ruined with having this conversation anyway.  So you might as well go all in.  Spend the extra time (and while you're at it, send some messages from her long-dormant Facebook account that she'll never respond to.  Something like "Hi." or a comment on the word her granddaughter just played on Words.)

The website is full of important information on the "unique challenges, opportunities [we assume this means broken hips and heart attacks] and joy of sex and intimacy in our later years."  Hopefully we'll find that thought less gross when we reach our "later years."  Topics such as:

"Condoms:  Not as Difficult to Use as the Cable Box."  This section contains helpful icebreakers like "Your condoms or mine? Seriously, do you remember where we put them?" and "How many of these do you think we'll need tonight?"

How to make things really hot by "piling up the pillows to support your joints."  "You like that lumbar support don't you?!?"

And finally, "'Not Tonight' to 'Hot Tonight'" and, of course, "Lighting the Spark When You Have Prostate Cancer."  And so, so many more.

(No, we're not nearly clever enough to make either of those two up.)

So, act now.  and save the elderly from their loins.

The More You Know.