Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 8

Today's largely meaningless and inane introductory story is designed to give you a look inside the offices of the State of New Jersey.

When not working - which is often - state workers
 can be seen playing checkers on the carpet ... 

Literally.  We hope you weren't expecting some kind of expose or something.  We don't do metaphors.  Anyway, Do you see how low that railing is?  We're not quite 6 feet tall (5'11 and 1/2" to be exact!!) and it barely comes up to our waist.  When you look over the railing you see this:

 ... or jumping to their deaths.

That's a beautiful 8-story drop.  So, only the only thing separating us from certain death is a 4 foot glass and metal wall.  That and, we suppose, the will to live.  Walking by it feels like the even the slightest misstep will send you tumbling over the edge.  Makes our legs wobbly every time.  And we're not alone, people routinely stick to the middle of the hallway to avoid getting too close.  Physically that's scary enough but mentally its even more terrifying.

We consider ourself to be generally well adjusted.  We're generally fond of life.  And we have absolutely no desire to kill ourselves or anything like that.  But we feel constantly like we're going to be sucked over the edge like the sirens pulling us toward the rocks.  Again, we have no desire to jump.  And we'd expect that, under normal circumstances, you'd have to be profoundly sad to think about splattering yourself across the lobby.  But this thing is so disturbingly enticing that you could just be having a bad day before you realize you just passed the fourth floor.  Fight with your wife in the morning?  Good-bye.  Lose in the fantasy football playoffs?  You're done.  Check the readership stats of your blog?  No reason to go on.  Sit in your windowless, characterless office for the entire day? You've had enough.  Eat a bad grape?  Fuck land.

In a world as constantly and mildly depressing as ours, the state really should do more to protect us from ourselves.  It's just too easy.

1.  Pittsburgh Patriots;


It was fitting that on the eve of All-Hallows-Eve, that Ben Roethlisberger and the Pittsburgh Steelers would  dress up like the Pats, knock them off their bikes and steal their candy.  Instead of trying to run the ball down their throats,  Pittsburgh controlled the clock with short, efficient passing.  In the first quarter alone, the Steelers passed on 21 of their first 26 plays from scrimmage and kept the ball for 13.5 minutes, including 55 yards from tight end Heath Miller.  For the game, Oversized Benji threw the ball 50 times and Pittsburgh doubled up New England in time of possession (40 to 20).  After a slow start, the Super Bowl losers look like legitimate challengers for a return engagement.  Look for them to continue their roll in round 2 of their street fight with Baltimore this weekend.

As for the Pats, is it possible to be highly disappointed in a team that has won 19 of its last 24 regular season games?  It's hard to complain about a team that wins that many games, but aside from the excellent passing offense, but we'll try.  First the easy ones, they don't run the ball (we'll stop short of saying "can't" because they rarely try) and don't seem to be able to stop anyone. (Is Belichick still a defensive genius at this point?)  Even the passing game, which is their calling card, is flawed.  The Steelers crowded all the short routes and exposed the Pats utter lack of a deep threat.  Someone like, say, Randy Moss.  Without a guy like that, the team seems to be made up of Tom Brady and a bunch of guys who are really good at getting 4 yards.  Any team that can combine that with the ability to get after Brady will make them much, much less efficient.  They can win all the regular season games they want playing this style but they're not the dynasty we once knew.  At best, they're different.  At worst, they're inferior.

Rating:  0 Mad Faces.

2.  Eli-te Manning, Quarterback, New York Giants;

Is it possible to find a positive in a game in which your favorite team falls behind a winless, hopeless Dolphin team 14-3 at home?  If you look hard enough.  In the offseason, Eli set off a firestorm of manufactured controversy when he said that he believed he was an elite quarterback in the same class as Tom Brady.  A week of "Eli claims he's better than Brady" stories and jokes about his awfulness, most sane people came to the conclusion that: (1) they would want their quarterback do say the same thing, especially coming off a 25 pick season; (2) as any good lawyer would tell you, the truth of his statement depends on how you define the term "class."  As it stands today (with Peyton in one of those foam neck collars people use to fake injuries) there are three quarterbacks that stand a cut above the rest - Brady, Rodgers and Brees (in that order).  But, Eli's play this season has most putting him comfortably at the top of the second tier.  

Check out the numbers:  304 yards per game (4th), 65% completion percentage (5th), 8.8 yards per attempt (2nd), 13 touchdowns (7th), 3:1 TD to INT ratio.

Consider that he's doing this with an offensive line in transition, after losing two of his most reliable targets to free agency - The Other Steve Smith and Kevin Boss (a player made infinitely more popular by the coolness of his last name and its allusion to Springsteen) -  and while bearing as much responsibility for his team's success as any quarterback in the league.  The hype isn't unwarranted.

Brees, Rodgers and Romo to prove his recent play isn't a streak but more of a permanent ascendance.  He can change the conversation from "how could he say he's that good" to "how could we ever have doubted him."  It all starts this weekend when the Giants will likely ask Eli to to pick apart the Pats defense like the Steelers did.  If he can do that, we're all in.

All this raises a lingering question about Eli.  Why doesn't he get more respect?  Quarterbacks who have accomplished far less in the league are talked about in more glowing terms (Vick, Stafford, Schaub, Romo) while Eli stares at his Super Bowl MVP award and wonders what more he needs to do.

His problem is he just doesn't look how people we think a star quarterback should.  Certain people exude leadership through their physical size, their mannerisms, intelligence and the way they carry themselves.  They have a certain "it" quality that makes people believe that person is better and worth placing their trust in.  Fandom isn't' exempt from this phenomenon.  Fans look at their quarterback and expect him to demonstrate those characteristics.  Of course, we only see the outside and not how the player acts in the locker room or or how they lead on the field.  We're left only with our perception.  And with his lankiness, sloped shoulders and really goofy faces, Eli don't inspire confidence.  Add in the fact that we're constantly reminded he's "just" Peyton's little brother and we're predisposed to doubt him.  Of course, perception and reality often differ.  And at 6'4" 220 lbs, any reasonably sized person who ran into Eli would find him imposing and, all sings point to him being a clutch leader on the field.

Peyton suffers a little from this as well.  He's just a goofy looking dude on the field.  Think about how he falls like a dead tree when sacked.  Give him Montana's smoothness or Elway's physicality and would his one Super Bowl win be enough to validate his regular season exploits and make him hands-down the best ever?

Rating:  10 of these:

3.  Away from Home, Bad, New Orleans Saints;


Last week we wrote that the league was getting boring with all the horrible teams seemingly caring more about draft position than wins.  We also said we liked the Rams team to finish strong - as long as Sam Bradford was healthy.  Is is possible to be 150% wrong?  In what is now the most shocking result of the season, the Rams and Adam Joshua Feeley beat up the Saints and knocked countless people out of their "Suicide Pools."  It was a great game for the Rams, they picked Brees off twice, returning one for a touchdown, got almost a season's worth of sacks from Chris Long (3) and reminded everyone why they used to love Steven Jackson (25 carries, 159 yards, his first 100 yard game in 10 starts).

But, as it often is, the game tells us more about the loser than the winner.  And this one reminds us that for all the goodwill and offensive firepower the Saints possess, it's a great deal less effective on the road.  The numbers seem to support that theory.  Even taking out the 52 points against the Colts, the Saints still average ten more points per game (35 v. 25) at home and give up an extra four (27 v. 23).  Brees has thrown 8 of his 10 picks on the road this year.  Worse yet, they average more than yard less per carry away from the Superdome.  Not good.

Still, the St. Louis debacle aside, the losses to the Bays (Green and Tampa) aren't exactly embarrassing.  And they've played 5 of their first 8 games on the road so a few loses were inevitable.  We think it's more likely that the Ram loss proves that the Saints are just like a dozen or so other teams in the league - good but flawed.  The Saints have a spectacular passing game with a quarterback leading the league with 343 yards per game and is on pace to obliterate Dan Marino's single season yardage record (one he came within 15 yards of in 2008) and a defense that can't stop the run (24th).  As the Saints showed last year, anyone can be had in a road playoff game, even the defending Super Bowl champions against a team that didn't even deserve to be in the tournament.  This year's Saints are no different.

Rating:  5 Mad Faces.

4.  The "Real" Philadelphia Eagles;


Dear Andy Reid:

Remember all that bad stuff we said about you in the last few weeks, about how we wanted the team to go down in flames just so you'd get fired?  And how you are a fat, smug bastard and a bad parent and that we wanted you to die a cruel and horrible death?  Yeah, we're sorry about that.  We, um, were having a really bad couple of months there.  Work was difficult and the kids needed braces so we took out our frustrations on you.  Our anger was totally misplaced.  So, we're sorry and we are so excited to watch this team win the SUPER BOWL BABY!! Fuck yeah!!  Everything is awesome and the Eagles are the best team in the league.  By far.

So, hopefully you can forgive us for all the terrible things we said about you personally and your family, we get a little crazy.  We just love the Eagles so much, sometimes we have to kill them.

Lovingly Yours,

Eagles Fans.

P.S.  JUAN CASTILLO IS THE GREATEST DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING!!!!  WIDE NINE BITCHES!!

(Places letter next to one containing death threats to Eagles management and waits for the outcome of Monday night to determine which to send.)

So, that's what the Eagles were supposed to look like, huh?  Yikes.  At this point the formula is pretty clear, right?  Run with ball with McCoy = win.  Forget to run the ball = lose.  The next few weeks will show us how good Big Red is at math.

Rating:  5 Scared Faces.

5.  Collars, Not Blue, Detroit Lions;


Is anyone else getting a little sick of the Lions and all their talking?  Has a team gone from lovable upstart to hated boor faster than this one?  We've always been a bit of a closet fan of the Lions.  Like most, we remember thoroughly enjoying their Thanksgiving day appearances featuring our favorite player of all time, Barry Sanders, and the coolest uniforms ever.  They even managed to give an RU alum a shot one year when Mike McMahon tried a furious comeback against the Cowboys.

For as much fun the beginning of this renaissance was, it got tired quickly.  This team is the exact opposite of the Chrysler commercials that are 100% responsible for the rebirth of the Motor City.  Those commercials are understated and cool.  They manage to advertise a product while leaving you alone.  They let you decide whether they like what they have to offer.  They make you want to ignore the murder rate and go hang out with Kid Rock and Eminem on 8 Mile.  The Lions are the exact opposite.  They desperately want you to recognize how great they are.  Especially the defense.  Every week Ndamukong Suh is discussing how he's just so goddamn special that the league can't officiate him while the rest of the guys make noise.  They make you want to contribute to the murder rate.

This week they just start opening mocking Tim Tebow:



Yes, it's funny (and no, we don't think it's mocking his religion as much as his self-seriousness and hype).  And while we fully support their right to be loudmouth jerks, that doesn't mean we have to like them if they do it.  Apparently, they've forgotten what it's like to stink.

The other thing that bothers us about the Lions (there is always another thing) is the "blue collar" label they've somehow earned.  Again, it's probably 99% attributable to the aforementioned commercial, but this team is decidedly not blue collar.  They are not a group of scrappy overachievers playing beyond expectations.  The team's three best players are a #1 overall quarterback who looks like he should permanently be holding a beer pong cup and wearing a backward hat, a #2 overall receiver who is perhaps the most physically gifted player at his position ever (the Megatron nickname was cool, but it has gotten significantly less cool now that Mike Greeny has started using it in everyday conversation.  He is officially your parents ruining) and a #2 overall defensive tackle who was instantly dominant.  It doesn't matter if the other 49 guys are all Rudy, those three guys make the label completely inapplicable.

Finally, let's take a quick second to send a quick thank you to Calvin Johnson for living up to his potential this season and filling us with regret and envy every week when he's not in our line-up.  We have a crush on you Calvin and we're not afraid to tell you.

Rating:  10 ">Tebow's."

6.  Neck, Peyton Manning, Center of the Universe;

Someday it will heal.  The nerve will regrow and the discussion will end and he'll step back on the field.  And on that day, the Colts will go from the worst team in the league to a Super Bowl contender.  But that day is not today.  For today is still about necks.  And draft position.  And the specter of Andrew Luck.

We're already on "record" (going on the record here is akin to talking to yourself) as saying that Peyton will play this year and when he does, the Colts will win enough games to make Andrew Luck a moo point.  BUT that doesn't mean this doesn't make for an interesting debate.  If the Colts do end up picking first overall, do they: (1) draft Andrew Luck and make him Peyton's apprentice; (2) trade down to another spot in the Top 5, pick a player who can help Peyton try to win ring #2 and add additional assets; or (3) draft Luck and move Peyton.

On a scale of rational to "Our Love of Adam Morrison's NBA Potential in 2006", option 1 is clearly the most preferable.  The team potentially locking up the most important position in football for some 30 years while still keeping the best quarterback most of us will ever see for as long as he can play, is a general manager's wet dream.  (Peyton misses the year and we draft Andrew Luck and I .....)

(The gap between Bradshaw and Roethlisberger for the Steelers - one of he most successful teams in league history - was 21 seasons from Bradshaw and Roethlisberger.  If you don't think the Colts would like to avoid their own Brister, O'Donnell, Tomczak, Kordell and Tommy Maddox Eras - YOU ARE CERTIFIABLY INNNNNNNSAAAAAANE!!)

The middle option is just that the middle.  It's the last option that seems the most ludicrous but also the most interesting.  Assuming he's healthy, how could the team let Manning go?  Anyone could write a thousand words on how important he is to the Colts but only four are needed - He is The Franchise.  Still, drafting the his heir apparent could be enough to make Peyton want to leave.  Since his contract is apparently only a one year deal with a 4-year option, it would be easier than you think.  Maybe he'd walk for nothing but declining the option would be a clean and easy break.  If Luck becomes the player they think he'll be they'll have a (the?) top young quarterback at something like $6m a year rather than $20m.  That type of cap flexibility would allow them to retool in a hurry.

But since we make the rules, we're going to unveil a secret fourth option.  For lack of anything creative, we're calling it "The Pimp Move."  The Pimp Move would be to extend Peyton and then draft Luck.  Then, after a year of healthy, typical Peyton play (and a return to the playoffs and playoff money) turn around and trade Manning for three first round picks to a team that's a quarterback away from winning the title.  (Think replacing Alex Smith with Peyton Manning and putting him and Harbaugh together wouldn't be fun?)  Those picks and Luck become the foundation for another 10-year string of playoff appearances and punch the Polian Hall-of-Fame ticket.

People will point to the 49ers (Montana to Young) and the Packers (Favre to Rodgers) as evidence that the transition will inevitably be super smooth.  The big difference there is that, at the time those teams cut bait with their legend, they already knew what they had in the back-up.  They'd seen the guy practice and play for years (in Young's case he started 29 games in Tampa and San Fran before Montana left) and could gauge how things would go.  If the Colts draft Luck and immediately move Peyton, they're betting entirely on their evaluation of Luck.  If they do that, they'd better be real sure they don't have a bust on their hands.  Luck is considered a sure-thing but as many #1 overall quarterbacks fail as succeed and teams often pay for trying to get too cute. 

What would you do?

Rating:  3 of these:

This picture is named "PeyPeyFace."

7.  Reminder Why We Hate Fantasy Football This Week, Zombie Running Backs, Miami Dolphins;

Zombies contributes over $5 billion to our economy.  Zombie Reggie Bush contributes 100 yards to our fantasy teams once every 5 years against the New York Giants.  You have been warned.  While not performing on the field, Bush can be seen staring in AMC's season two of "The Walking Dead."

Rating:  0 Mad Faces.  We still wear your USC #5 Reggie.  Maybe someday you'll grow up to make it less embarrassing.