Things We Hate - The Last Remaining Bumper Stickers

And We'll Forgive That Kid Who Stole Our Pencil In Third Grade
When the Native Americans Forgive White People

One of the drawbacks of commuting, in addition to things like absurdly overpriced gas, the mornic drivers and completely wasted time, is all the time we have to think.  As you may have noticed from our occasional (ok, maybe more than occasional) semi-coherent rantings, for us, thinking isn't always a good thing.   When we think we get annoyed about dumb shit.  And when we get annoyed about dumb shit, we write.  And because of this, you have The Persnickety Project.  From Train songs to Bad Rutgers Promos to Child Safety Signs, we hate a lot of shit.  That brings us to todays hot topic - Bumper Stickers. 

Sure, you dont't see them around all that much anymore but like other things that seem like things of the past - good network television, guitars in popular music, jobs - they pop up just enough to remind us that the world really is an awful place.  People think they're getting:

SOMETHING PROFOUND

But, instead they really get:

While it would be nice if everyone who was deluded enough to think that putting a 6-word saying on the back of their car is somehow compelling would simply drive off a bridge while contemplating their awesomness; That's just not going to happen.  Therefore, as a public service we came up with some ways of improving the last remaining bumper stickers.

1.  Be Truthful

If you're going to insist on advertising your complete lack of creativity and personal pride in such an absurd manner, you should at least be honest about it. 

Say you're a real ladies man (or lesbian, we suppose).  Instead of something trying to go with something classy like this:

Why not be be honest and just say what you really mean:

LONELY

Or any maybe you fancy one of those famous "[Blank] On Board" stickers like this one:

Yeah, we did.

Just go ahead and do this:

DOOSH

[adding "On Board" is, of course, an option.]

Finally, perhaps you are already such a truthteller, we mean you really, really tell it how it is.  You don't pull no punches.  Then you get yourself one of these so's that everybody knows it:

But be real, man, this it the truth:

NOBODY LIKES ME

BECAUSE I MAKE

THEM UNCOMFORTABLE

WITH MY IGNORANCE

2. Be Complete.

The other big problem, and as a bit of an offshoot of the first point, is that people don't tell the whole story with their bumper art.  So, we think that all the subtext should be included.

So you're pissed Obama won the election and your convinced he's the second coming (of Lenin, not Christ).  So you snag this bad boy:

But when you read between the lines, you're really saying:

Socialism Is Scary ...

Or So I'm told

Or maybe you sit on the other side of the aisle, you're from a blue state so to speak, you might have this one on your Prius or your bike or your hemp messenger bag or whatever it is you goddamn hippies have:

What you should say is:

I DON'T HAVE A JOB

OR A MORTGAGE

AND MY PARENTS

PAID FOR COLLEGE,

SO ALL REPUBLICANS

ARE DUMB!!

Or say you just loooooove guns so much that you slap one of these bad boys on your F950:

It's really too simplistic.  Tell the whole story Bubba:

I Own a Gun and

I'm Looking For An Excuse

to Kill Someone

Actually, that's more like what you want to say but what you're really saying is:

KEEP HONKING ...

I NEED ANOTHER BORING

STORY TO TELL MY

FAMILY TONIGHT

Or maybe you're from the Republic of Texas and you're darn proud of it:

So say what you really feel, cowboy:

TEXAS:

WE'RE REDNECKS AND

WE EXECUTE THE MENTALLY RETARDED.

NEED I SAY MORE?

Or maybe you're one of those people who likes to pretend they only drive that piece of shit Dodge Neon to work.  "It's my commuter car!!"  No, it's not. 

What you're going for is something funny like:

MY OTHER CAR IS AN EXPENSIVE FOREIGN LUXURY MODEL WHICH SHOULD SUPRISE YOU BECAUSE THIS ONE IS SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT

But what it really says is:

I MAKE BAD CHOICES IN LIFE

3.  It's OK To Be An Honor Student.

Probably the most widespread sticker out there is the "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" one.  Those ones are really great.  Nothing shows your appreciation for all your child's hard work more than a sticker on a car that you hate and only bought because you couldn't fit all those little bastards in your Miata.  Much better than a hug.  The second most popular, might be the always hilarious "response" one:

We think a better response would be something along these lines:

My Kid Kicked
Your Honor Student's Ass

And That Will Probably
Be the Highlight of His Life

Because We Don't
Value Education in our Household

Or:

How Dare You Be Proud
of Your Child's Accomplishments.

It Makes Me Feel Bad About
Myself and My Parenting Skills

Or, simply:

IT'S COOLER TO BE DUMB

4. Be "Creative"

What's really lacking in in the bumper sticker industry is creativity.  It's just too easy to come up with creative sayings.  To prove this point, we wrote a few bad ones of our own:

In response to all the "Right-Wings Crazies" we've got this one:

If We Let You Keep Your Guns,

Freedom and Money -

Will You Please Go Away?

Or maybe if you're feeling a like a silly goose:

EAT ME

-Cookies

Or if you're Mrs. Obama, you could go with:

EAT ME

-Fruits +

Veggies

A little something to keep things in perspective in this crazy, material world:

Keep the "Break"

in Breakfast

And for those people who just love to bring up historical quotes to show how modern society has forgotten the virtues that once made this country so great:

I (HEART) Guns and Slaves
-Thomas Jefferson

Maybe your a deep thinking, philosophy type:

God Is Too Big To Fit In One Religion

And You're Too Big To Fit

In Those Pants

And finally, if you're a self promoting ass (this one is our favorite):

ThePersnicketyProject.blogspot.com