Characters At Work

Life is chock full of characters.  And as a contract attorney, or "Contract Professional" as we sometimes unironically dub our self, we have the privilege of meeting an inordinate amount of them.  Maybe 1% actually choose the nomadic existence and there's many who are just stuck between jobs or whatever, but for most part there's a reason many can't find a "real" job; they're a little ... off. 

Part of (the only?) the fun of this job is observing our co-workers (some might call this "eavesdropping" or even "stalking") to try to decipher what their fatal flaw is.  After 3 months of so, we've managed to categorize a few of them (the names and identities of the individuals have been changed to protect the innocent): 

Data:  Besides the creepily smooth skin and an icy demeanor that reminds us of a futuristic cyborg, Data's most notable quality is that he simply does not speak.  Not a single word.  At all.  After 4 months of not hearing him make a sound or seeing him make eye contact, we've come to the conclusion that he's a document coding robot sent from the future to code a key document non-responsive and prevent future Armageddon.  We hope his mission is successful but for now, he's just making us uncomfortable.

Johnny No Knees:  Perhaps the most annoying of our fellow prisoners, Johnny stands out for two reasons: (1) his apparent inability to bent his lower limbs which has him shuffling around like Seamus from Family Guy; and (2) his grating tendency to laugh as his own unfunny non-jokes.  For instance, JNK might, during a conversation about making up missed hours due to snow, say something like:

I'm still averaging 37 and a half hours a week even with the snow. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Perhaps we're just not sophisticated enough to appreciate such a dynamic comedic mind.

The Teapot:  Most people have a filter that prevents them from saying inappropriate things.  The differe4nce for The Teapot is his filter can only hold back the flood of craziness coursing through his brain for so long until, like your stove top tea kettle, it boils over and he randomly blurts something out.  These outbursts often come totally unprovoked after long periods of silence and seem to be directed at no one in particular.

Teapot: [to nobody in particular]: I'm not wearing any deodorant today.
Victim:  [confused]  Huh?
Teapot: Yeah, I'm not wearing any deodorant today.  I wanted to be like the Indian over there.
Victim: Wow.
Teapot:  Yeah, don't those Indians smell? 
Victim:  [trying to defuse the situation] So, do I need to worry about smelling you?
Teapot:  No, you won't smell me.  I can only wear deodorant every other day, otherwise it's too strong. 
Victim:  Um.....ok. Thanks for sharing.



[This exchange reminds us of how important your choice of words is.  If you say "Damn, Indians smell."  People are going to think you hate the smell of curry or the blood of white interlopers.  But, if you choose your words wisely and say "Damn, those people from India smell."  Everyone will understand that you're referring to the fact that sometimes people from other countries don't like to wear deodorant.]

The Wedding DJ:  The Wedding DJ loves the monochrome shirt/black pants look.  He loves it so much he wear it every damn day.  Whenever he walks past we keep hoping he'll give us a plastic blow-up guitar and liven this shit up with the "Chicken Dance."  Invest in some stripes, friend.

The Quasi-Boss:  With a demeanor that screams "Please Don't Ask Me a Question", our supposed team leader makes it clear with every "Um's", "Uh's", repeating of of questions back and Send it to me later", he reminds us just how meaningless this whole thing is.  If he's our "Team Leader" and entrusted with making sure the project is completed both smoothly and successfully, well, we're all just fucked. 

The Writer:  The Writer's story is pretty predictable.  He's not a shitty lawyer, he a writer, man and he's only doing this job to pay the bills until he establishes himself and goes on to his true career as a big time writer.  But, just like a strippers working their way through college, that's total bullshit.  He's a lawyer, he's always going to be a lawyer and the sooner he gets over his delusions, everyone will be better off.  The worst part about The Writer?

He's us.