7 Ways To Undermine An Argument by TaxTheChurchers.org

Last week, one of our readers (our sister-in-law or SIL) decided to offer a gentle, tactful suggestion for The Project:

Kate said...
Enough about basketball. (Though I am prepared for a post regarding the games you are going to). This is what I want to read commentary about: http://taxthechurches.org/

Fair enough.  We do try to be responsive and we'll reluctantly admit there is a world outside basketball, so we checked out the website and instead of making a persuasive case for changing the future of the country, the most compelling thing they do is provide us with 7 Ways To Undermine An Argument.

1.  Fall In Love With Your Own Prose
 
Maybe taxing the churches will end poverty or maybe it will doom us all to an eternity of suffering.  Damned if we knew before spending 15 minutes of our precious time slogging though this disaster of overly complicated writing.  Next time, just go with something simple like "Taxing churches is good!"  We're dumb and lazy, we don't want to be challenged wit this:

It will be obvious to rational people that exempting religious organizations from paying any taxes is a clear case of government "respecting an establishment of religion." But throughout history we have seen many otherwise-lucid thinkers insist otherwise, including Supreme Court justices who uphold biblical views when their taxpayer-funded jobs explicitly require them to uphold the Constitution of the United States of America.

Clarity is so cliche.

2.  Fonts, Fonts and More Fonts

1.

Randomly using all kinds of italics and bolds and quotes doesn't work if you want to be taken seriously.

YOU'RE TRYING TO START A MOVEMENT!!!!

Not sell us penis pills.

3.  Quote James Madison and Jesus, too.

We get it.  They were great dudes.  One of them helped set up some fancy type of government that still kinda works 200 years later.  The other might even have been the Cris Angel of his time.  Still, it's better resist the urge to cut and paste from Wikiquote.  You need to know that your audience.  The kind of people who are spurred to action by poorly constructed arguments on bad websites aren't going to be able to decipher what they hell they were talking about anyway.  We're not scholars.  You're better off G.I. Joe.  And know you know ...

[If you instinctively said "And knowing is half the battle" feel free to high five yourself or jump off a bridge.  Whatever you feel is best.]

4.  Tell Us You Don't Want Our Money

Why would you want our money? If you hadn't brought it up we would have had no reason to suspect that might be trying to put your hand in our pockets.  Now you've made us even more paranoid than usual and we're watching you.  Like a hawk.

5.  Under Construction is Underwhelming

Do you have an FAQ?  UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Want to contact us?  Try again later.

Not quite the type of professional presentation we were looking for.  Just a though, maybe you finish the website before you start the campaign.

6.  Get Cute

Normally, we're all for the irreverent little sidebar.  They tried one that allows you to click for a personalized argument.  Are you a student?  Well, taxing churches will provide money for schools.  Are you a republican?  You're an evil liar.  Democrat?  Grow some balls.  Working woman?  Nevermind, we thought they were talking about prostitutes.  Are you gay?  Well, the church hates you anyway so why not tax their asses.  Are you Oral Roberts?  Wait, what?  That's where they lost us.  First of all, if your Oral Roberts you're dead and probably unconcerned with the taxation of churches.  Secondly, the name Oral is just too damn funny to be taken seriously and it's entirely possible that everything Mr. Roberts accomplished in his esteemed life was done as revenge against his parents for their horrid naming decision.  His Oral Empire includes, of course, the unfortunately self-named university that we always imaged as some elite dental school of something when we'd write ORAL on the second round line of our NCAA bracket and root like heck for the "Fighting Hygienists."


8.  Site By Pixelbitch


We're quite sure that Mr. or Mrs. Pixelbitch does fine work (with the obvious exception of TaxTheChurches.org) but, again, if you're trying to be a reputable website that encourages people to vote and write their representatives to convince them to change tax laws so that all the ills of the world will be ended, maybe you should go with someone like CyberPro or UnoffensiveWebPageNameGuy as your web designer instead of Pixelbitch.  The same goes for all websites by CodeDick and FontFucker.

 

If Ivy Kids are Taking This Job, We're All Screwed

Normally we steer clear of railing on terrible job postings.  There's just so many delusional employers out there and we spend so much time looking that, if we wanted to, we could devote the entire website to their missteps.  That said, we couldn't ignore this little ditty on Craigslist.

Major law firm in Newark, New Jersey seeks a recent Ivy League graduate for an entry-level paralegal position.


Ideal candidate should have at least 1-2years experience in a law firm and/or major corporation.

Candidate should be computer savvy, well spoken, and have the ability to multi-task.

The salary is 35,000 per year- non-negotiable.

O.T. work is a MUST!

Are they seriously serious?  Like "Ivy League" as in Harvard, Yale, Princeton, etc.?  Being a paralegal can be a good job but if you worked your ass off from the time you step out of the womb getting straight A's from coloring to calculus, acing the SATs, doing community service and joining clubs you have absolutely no interest in but look good on your resume (or you were born rich and/or as a legacy kid) all to get into one of the 8 most prestigious universities in the world where they filled your brain with thoughts of changing the world, bankrupting large companies on Wall Street, joining the Illuminati or whatever, you'd think there would be more waiting for you than an opportunity to be shat upon by some half-wit attorney who's never even read Chaucer.  You'd be better off doing an internship or working for a non-profit or even joining the Peace Corps (where you might literally be shat upon). 

Sure, concievably we could be missing the point and it's some secret Skull and Bones message where "paralegal" means "spy" and it's not like the Ivy League needs some barely literate blogger to defend their graduates (unless, of course, they want to pay us vast sums of money to do it, then we'd be happy to continu.) but if this is what the best and the brightest can expect, what hope is there for the rest of us.  We didn't go to an Ivy school, or a little Ivy or a Public Ivy or a New Ivy or a Black Ivy or even Texas the home of Royal Ivey.  In fact, our Alma Mater is ranked substantially below even the comparatively crappiest of their schools - Brown and Cornell tied for only 15.  Is the economy that bad?  Obama keeps telling us it's getting better and we just started another war so that's sure to help, but for now, it looks like we're totally screwed. 

Seriously though, the real problem here isn't with the job, or the pay, or the quality of education, it's about the fact that this law firm obviously sucks.  Any group of people who thought it was a good idea to say they'd only accept candidates from the most prestigous of institutions are douches with no connection with reality and, ivy or not, nobody should have to work under those conditions. 

A New Taxonomy of Players: As Applied to the National Basketball Association

This is what happens when you try to find an interesting
picture by searching the term "Taxonomy."

Taxonomy (which we are absolutely using incorrectly in this instance) is defined by Wikipedia - the oracle of modern knowledge - as "the practice and science of classification."  Sports discussions implicate classifications all over the place.  Think about it, when your arguing that MJ is better than AI, what you're really saying is that they belong in different categories.  Similarly, when Melo goes to the Knicks people start talking about how the Knicks made up for missing out on LeBron.  Intrinsically people know these guys are of different caliber but the problem is that in the conventional parlance, they're probably all lumped together under the term "Superstars."  When a word is used to describe players of such varying abilities, it loses all meaning and that drives us nuts.  But because it's not a problem of intelligence, but one of vocabulary, we decided to create a newer, better set of terms to (hopefully) clarify some of this mess - The Taxonomy of Players.  Sure, it's an ambitious goal for a blog that nobody reads, but we're going for it anyway.

We decided to use the NBA as the test case for two reasons: (1) league discussions for the past year or so have been dominated by the subject of team building and player value - from the wisdom of the Celtics Big 3 to The Decision to Melo and the Knicks; and (b) basketball, more than any other sport, is subject to the "Power of the Individual" where one great player, or a lack thereof, can have a huge impact on a team or franchise.  These things make identifying and understanding where a player truly stands of utmost importance.

It's less important in baseball or football where championships are won more through depth, scheme and hot streaks than individuals and players who suck one place can become stars when plugged into a different front or asked to hit in a different spot in a line-up.  At this point in our thinking, any attempt to categorize guys like Manning, Brady and Pujols seems incomplete and unnecessary.


THE BEST
The first step we needed to take to make Taxonomy useful was to bring some clarification to the term "Superstar."  As we discussed above, it's used just too damn much but, for practical purposes, the term is too ingrained to do away with completely.  We decided to make it the middle tier separating the truly great players from the everyday guys and let it maintain the meaning of what fans en mass would consider a Superstar to be.  We "created" two higher tier categories for particularly special players:  "10's/All-Timers" and "Franchise Guys."  And with that we can now have the right words effectively differentiate between Kobe, Kidd and Melo.

[Keep in mind that a players place in the Taxonomy can be fluid but our examples are where a guy ranked at his peak.  Just because Blake Griffin is playing as a Superstar right now doesn't mean that he can't be better nor does it mean his career is comparable to another Superstar like Gary Payton who played at that level for a decade.)   

All-Timers/10's

We're still trying to find the perfect label for this particular group but guys on this level as the best of the best, the cream of the crop or whatever other cliche you might throw out.  Surrounded by a representative supporting cast (including one other guy from the top three tiers) they make you an instant championship contender, if not the favorite.  Surround them with role players and you're still winning 50+ games.  As the name brands of the league, they bring legitimacy both on and off the court - fans want to see them play and other players want a chance to join them.  They do everything you'd expect from the best at their position -score, rebound, pass and most importantly, defend and are recognized as one of the Top 5-7 players in the league during an extended peak that lasts significantly longer than it should.  When building a team, if you can get one of these guys you do it and figure out the rest later (though in the case of LeBron and Wade it's not always that easy.) 

In movie terms these are Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, Will Smith, Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, George Clooney.  They win Oscars, command $20m per movie and open big every time. 

As far as NBA players go, it's a "Who's Who" of league royalty: Russell, Wilt, Oscar, Bird, Magic, Jordan, Shaq, Olajuwan, Abdul-Jabbar, Duncan, Kobe, Isiah Thomas.  We'd also somewhat reluctantly put LeBron  here. 

Franchise Guys

As step below the elite but still rare.  While good enough alone to carry a franchise to relevance alone, they need a but more help than the All-Timers to make a team a true contender.  They put up numbers that make them look like 10's but, like the pretty girl who can't seem to keep a boyfriend, once you look closer you see a major flaw.  Maybe they're a point guard who can't carry the scoring load, or a forward who lacks the commitment to defend or a big who doesn't come through during crunch time.  98% guys.  Get two you're golden.  Get one and think you got a 10, you fall just short.   

Movie terms:  Matt Damon, Christian Bale, Brad Pitt, Russel Crowe, Robert Downey, Jr., Johnny Depp.  They give you a Batman, Bourne or Pirates of the Caribbean but there's always a Green Zone, Tourist or Terminator Salvation that leaves you scratching your head.

Examples:  Kevin Durant and Derrick Rose (for now), Dwight Howard and Derron Williams (forever), Chris Paul (sadly), Jason Kidd and Steve Nash (prime), Dirk Nowitzki (the reason this category was created), Patrick Ewing, David Robinson, Kevin Garnett, Charles Barkley, Dr. J, Karl Malone, John Stockton, Moses Malone, Scottie Pippen, Bill Walton, Wade.

Superstars

This is where the majority of the "name" players end up.  Big stats, the big contracts and big reputations (sometimes bigger than they deserve) and routine playoff appearances but never make you feel like this is the year.  If you're looking to win a title you'd better not pin all your hopes on just one of these guys but pair them with a 10 or a Franchise Guy and you can start printing finals tickets.  

Movie terms:  Ben Affleck, Samuel L. Jackson, Ed Norton, Jim Carrey, Will Farrell.  In the right role they're awesome but if you catch them in "Fun With Dick and Jane" or "The Spirit" you start questioning everything you ever thought about them in the first place.

Examples:  Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudamire (the poster children), Joe Johnson, Chris Bosh, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili (very hard to categorize), Ray Allen, Rajon Rondo, Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce (their powers combined!!), Pau Gasol and Kevin McHale, Russell Westbrook, LaMarcus Aldridge, Dominique Wilkins (Beta Melo), Tracy McGrady and Vince Carter (being kind), George Gervin, Alonzo Mourning, Allen Iverson, Clyde Drexler, Reggie Millir, Rick Barry, Gary Payton, Blake Griffin, Robert Parish.

THE REST

The next two categories represent two sides of the large group of players not good enough move into the top three tiers but still good enough to be relevant.  The majority of starters from non-playoff teams sit here but what separates them is the way they choose to utilize their skills.

Stars

Conversations about these guys are full of "buts."  Fans know them but casual ones don't.  They lead their teams but only to mediocrity.  They put up big stats but on bad teams.  They're "The Man" but not good enough to win games alone.  They're good all-around players but not great at anything.  They get a big contract at some point but immediately become overpaid.  They might make an All-Star game but not more than two.  

Movie terms: Nic Cage, Keanu Reeves, Kevin Costner

Examples:  Monte Ellis, Kevin Martin, Josh Smith, Danny Granger, Andrea Bargnani, Antwan Jamison, Stephen Jackson, Brandon Jennings, Tyreke Evans, Baron Davis, Al Jefferson, Shareef Abdur-Rahim, Jamal Crawford, Gilbert Arenas, Jerry Stackhouse, Ben Gordon

Championship Role Players

If the Stars are the "buts" these guys are the "ifs."  If they find their way to the right situation (through luck, good fortune to their own volition ), they're the key to winning for a championship team.  If they're the best player on the team their ethic and demeanor tells you they belong as a part of something bigger.  If they make an All-Star team its because of their overall contribution, not their raw stats.  If they impact the league it's because they were winners, not individuals.   

Movie Terms:  William H. Macy, John C. Reilly, John Turturro

Examples:  The 2004 Pistons, Marcus Camby, Shane Battier, Kevin Love, Andre Miller, Joakim Noah, Al Horford, Gerald Wallace, Andrew Bogut, Andre Iguodala, Luol Deng, Stephen Curry, Paul Milsap, David West, Kendrick Perkins, Lamar Odom, DeJuan Blair, Dennis Rodman, Bob Horry, Derek Fisher, Andre Kirilenko, Luis Scola, Sam Cassel, Landry Fields, Bruce Bowen, John Paxson, Big Baby, Bill Walton (1986), Bill Laimbier.

THE UGLY

And finally, the categories that nobody wants to be a part of, but knowing who theses guys are is just as important.

Black Holes

As is befits the name, these guys suck the life out of their teams though some combination of empty stats, low IQs and bad contracts (signed either before sharp decline or after simply having tricked someone into paying them).  They're passed around like red-headed foster children until the day they gain some modicum of value from being referred to as "So-and-So's Expiring Contract."

Movie Terms:  Chris Klein, Vin Diesel, Cuba Gooding, Jr., Paul Walker, Rob Schneider, Ashton Kucher, Fergie

Examples:  Al Harrington, Eddy Curry, Andray Blatche, Corey Magette, Chris Gatling, Stephon Marbury, Rashard Lewis, Charlie Villanueva, Michael Olowokandi, Kwame Brown, Derrick Coleman

Guys

This is where we keep everyone else who can help a team win a game or two but lacks the skill or consistency to be trusted on a nightly basis.

Movie Terms:  Security Guard #2, Pedestrian #4, James Van Der Beek

Examples:  Erick Dampier, Shawne Williams, Zydrunas Igauskas, Ryan Gomes, Randy Foye, the 2010 New Jersey Nets, Matt Boner, Tony Allen, Everyone Else

Bonus:  6 Guys Hard to Categorize

Grant Hill:  At this point in his career, Hill is most likely a CRP but what's more interesting is where he would have fell at his peak as a Piston.  Back then, he was essentially a less athletic LeBron, averaging 20, 8 and 6 and was signed to a max deal coming off a broken ankle.  Despite not being surrounded by much talent, he got his team to the playoffs 4 times.  He was a great player at his peak but he strikes us more as a top-level Superstar than a Franchise Guy because his teams were never serious contenders.  It's borderline though.
Shawn Marion:  When he was young, Marion was a truly unique player who was dominant as an undersized 4 in the Suns uptempo system but he was always overshadowed by his running mates Nash and Amare.  Maybe he suffers a bit from that but we can't picture him leading a team to the playoffs by himself.  He's a CRP due to his willingness to acknowledge his shortcomings and fit in.
Allen Iverson:  We've made it clear here before that we don't have much respect for guys who are simply Scorers and our distaste for Iverson's game is strong.  Sure he was exciting and unique but his best season came only after Larry Brown put together a roster of guys who were completely and utterly selfless and concerned only with winning and making AI better and he proved time after time that he couldn't play with other good players.  In our book, he's a Superstar.  That's not an insult but we have a feeling his fans think he was a Franchise Guy.

Scottie Pippen:  We only need to say Two things about Pippen: (1) 6 titles; and (2) the year MJ retired he lead the Bulls in scoring, assists, blocks, steals and grabbed 8 boards, won 55 games, and came within a phantom Hue Hollins call from going to the finals.  That's a Franchise Guy. 

Clyde Drexler:  We're not quite sure what to make of "The Glide", he was the best player on two finals runner-up teams and was apparently good enough to convince Portland to pass on Jordan.  Still despite his trips to the finals and his title with Hakeem, we have a hard time thinking he's any better than a guy like Melo.  He's a Superstar.

Kevin Garnett:  KG is the hardest guy for us.  He's a 10 in every way except one - his teams didn't contend consistently with him as the centerpiece.  Sure he didn't have great talent surrounding him but that's still hard to ignore.  Our heart wants to make him an All-Timer but that flaw means he's "only" a Franchise Guy.

So there it is - The Taxonomy of NBA Players, so far.  It's a developing idea so if you have suggestions or vehemently disagree with how we ranked somebody, let us know.  But, at least, when we're discussing championship contenders like Boston (4 Superstars and several CRP's), Chicago (1 Franchise Guy, 1 Superstar, 2 CRPs and a bunch of Guys), Miami (2 10's, 1 Superstar and 9 Guys) or Los Angeles (1 10, 1 Superstar, 2 CRPs), we can have a better, if not perfect, method of comparison. 

Things We Hate - Working on Sports Christmas

Working sucks. Working on two days which, by all accounts, should be a national holiday, really blows. The first round of March Madness (yes, the real first round not those awful games on Tuesday and Wednesday they tried to pass off. If they were the first round, what kind of tournament gives 60 out of 68 teams 1st round byes?) is our Sports Christmas and like any good holiday, we don't see why we should have to work. Fortunately for us, for the past several years, we'd managed, through a combination of various types of creative scheduling and deception to be home on one of both of these days. Yeah, that's right, we'd take the day off and it was awesome.

People always seemed to think that we're crazy, but why take your job, and yourself, so seriously that the idea of using a vacation day to watch a virtual orgy of college basketball is ridiculous? (Counterpoint: See Us, Unemployed) That's what vacation days are for. The only difference between taking off a week in the summer to go to the beach or taking the week off after Christmas to bask in the glow our you're excesses is admitting that you love sports that much. It makes perfect sense to us and if you don't get it, well, we don't get you.

Anyway, our streak has come to an end this year due to our need to avoid not getting paid (another tremendous downside of the non-salaried life) so we're here missing out on the chance to take full advantage of the first real innovation in tournament coverage we can remember. For the longest time, due to the overlapping schedules, watching first round could be extremely frustrating as the choice of games came at te whim of some know-nothing CBS producer. That often lead to us being forced to endure a blow-out performance from a rating giant like Duke or Kentucky or a local darling like Villanova instead of getting a comparatively less flashy but more compelling match-up with upset potential. Everyone knew we all watched for upsets, everyone except CBS apparently. Now, with all the games on 3 different channels (plus TruTV which really isn't a channel, though we enjoyed Jim Nance's tight ass doing promos for "Hardcore Pawn."), we could have seen them all!! Alas, instead of being a master of the NCAA universe, we're here. In our cubicle. Redacting pronouns. Living the dream.

Our only saving grace this year is March Madness On Demand. While it's not quite the same experience as being at home, it's still pretty cool. We're especially enjoying being forced to watch the same six commercials over and over again (Rental Cars and Rusted Root - what a combo!!), the 3 second lag between the audio and video and the concussion-inducing, Cloverfield camera work. If there's every a buzzer beater, not only will it be spoiled by the unsynched audio but we'll be laid up in bed for a week trying to recover from watching it. The other premium feature of MMOD is the ever popular, handy-dandy "Boss Button." The "Boss Button" allows you, the slacking worker, to click a button and pull up a bizarro version of Microsoft Outlook (only if Bizarro was black) that hides the player. To further your clandestine efforts, it comes complete with fake emails from the CMO (Chief Madness Officer, of course) discussing the excitement of the "First Four" and giving you tips on avoiding being caught watching hoops at work. Some might say that making it so obviously fake defeats the purpose but, we say why miss an opportunity to advertise? Speaking of advertising, the boss button is, of course, disabled during commercials so if your boss happens to walk by during the 73% of the time those commercials are on, while he won't think your watching basketball, he will think you're an asshole who sits around watching Coke Zero commercials.

In closing, yes, we are just bitter.

On a side note, we were going to scan and post our bracket because .... because ... you might care? We never got around, sparing us the embarrassment of having everyone see we picked Gonzaga to the Elite Eight for the 37th straight year, but we will say that we found it strangely unavoidable to pick all four #1's to reach Houston, Kansas to win it all by beating Ohio State (despite our better judgment and, if Kyrie Irving comes back, Duke to repeat) and much like everyone else in the world we like Utah St, Richmond, Gonzaga and maybe Belmont for upsets. It'll never happen but, as we've learned, most of what we predict never happens anyway. At least, at this time of year, when we're wrong it's fun anyway.

Stupid Commenter Beatdown - God Hates Sushi, Commeters Hate Logic

Watch out Japan - These fuckers are coming for you!!

n another proud moment for Rutgers athletics, Cappie Pondexter, a former Scarlet Knight and current WNBA star (which ranks a mere two spots on the fame scale above amateur blogger and forty five below this guy) decided to take to twitter, as one of the great unfiltered masses, and share her thoughts on the Japanese Earthquake/Tsunami. 

On Saturday, amid the tragic news that continued to pour out of Japan — a country rocked by the Sendai earthquake and tsunami — former Rutgers standout Cappie Pondexter offered an alternative explanation that has stirred some negative feedback.

"Alternative explanations" never seem to work out well.  Either your Jesse Ventura claiming 9/11 was in inside job or you're offending millions of people.  Besides all that "tectonic plate" bullshit floating around, what possible alternative explanations could she have come up with anyway? 

1.  Earth is on the back of a giant frog, tortoise, elephant or dog causing earthquakes when it moves?
2.  The youngest child of the Earth goddess is moving in the womb that causes earthquakes?
3.  Earthquakes are caused by dragons?
4.  A colony of Giants living on a hidden island in the Pacific were doing cannonballs into the ocean?
5.  There is a race of people living inside the Earth who shake the ground to find out if anyone is still living on the surface?
6.  The Earth is a living creature, and it has the same kinds of problems people have. Sometimes, it gets sick with fever and chills and we can feel its shaking?
7.  Strong, wild winds are trapped and held in caverns under the ground and when they escape, the earth trembles?
8.  The square Earth is held up at its four corners by four people who, when they decide the Earth is becoming overpopulated, tip it to get rid of surplus people?
9.  Earth is a pimple on the ass of a someone who farted in the shower?


No, that stuff would be completely ridiculous.  Surely, she had a much more logical reason.
"What if God was tired of the way they treated their own people in there own country! Idk guys he makes no mistakes," the guard, now with the WNBA's New York Liberty, tweeted on her account, cappa23.

Or not.  According to Ms. Pondexter, god is a smiting machine.  Now that we've established that god got all smotey last week, the logical follow-up is why, exactly, would "he" do that?

"u just never knw!" she Tweeted later on. "They did pearl harbor so u can't expect anything less."

Ohhh, totally see it now.  They really did do Pearl Harbor, didn't they.  Glad god's out there like Rambo settling grudges for something that a whole different generation of Japanese people did on behalf of the good old U-S-of-A.  Always new he loved us best.  Must be because America has never, ever done anything like kill a bunch of people for no good reason.  Wonder if she'll apologize?

"I wanna apologize to anyone I may hurt or offended during this tragic time. I didnt realize that my words could be interpreted in the manner which they were people that knw me would tell u 1st hand im a very spiritual person and believe that everything, even disasters happen 4 a reason and that god will shouldnt be questioned," Pondexter tweeted. "But this is a very sensistive subject at a very tragic time and I shouldnt even have given a reason for the choice of words I used.

Ok, that's not an apology.  Just because you use the word "apologize" doesn't mean if qualifies.  It's not the "interpretation" or "choice" of your words or even "bad timing."  It's that you said that they were asking for it you asshole.  Still, we have to give her points for standing by her stupidity, which puts her at approximately   -574,967 for the week. 

"If youve lost respect for me thats totally fine but please dont let me or my words lose the respect of u the WNBA and what it stands for."

Luckily for everyone involved, the WNBA was absolutely no respect to lose.

While Cappie is busy explaining god's apparent dislike for sushi, our commenters are showing off their hate for something entirely different. 

BOCABURGER
Poindexter is nothing but a PIG. Japan is undergoing untold suffering, babies being swept into the sea, eventually 10,000 dead, etc., and this freakin' idiot refers to Pearl Harbor? Makes sense Cappie let's start holding everyone responsible for the misdeeds of their ANCESTORS! Why not start with those African tribes who right now, TODAY, are murdering anyone, including infants, from a rival group. Ooooooooooh, sorry, too close to home, or maybe not PC enough for your warped value system.

Couple things here.  First, what's with the obsession with infanticide?  Secondly, if we're blaming people for the deeds of their ancestors, wouldn't we have to wait like 60 years to yell at these unidentified "African Tribes"?  Thirdly, is it really any better to assume that because Cappie happens to be African-American she's cool with murdering of people because it happens in Africa?  Finally, Bocaburgers are fucking disgusting.

morenewjersey
No way. I want her to resign her position and apologize to all of the Japanese Americans on Air. I also want her to write an essay about what the Japanese Americans had to go through during WWII all while her ancestors were learning to fly planes and have had about 20 movies made about African Americans contributions.--I also feel that she should have to sit out a season.---And "They DID PEARL HARBOR"? Nice english. Did she graduate with her taxpayer funded education?

What is this grammar school?  We're forcing people to write essays, now?  What re we going to do after recess, try to figure out why this fella thinks that every black person in American during WWII was either learning to fly a plane or selling their story for the movies.  Talk about getting lucky. 

getyourhandoutamypocket
So she got offended at idiot Don Imus' statements but has no problem blaming this natural disaster on Pearl Harbor? Then hide behind God? Nice tattoos. Real lady-like. As the great Austin Powers said: "THAT'S A MAN, BABY"

We would have gone with "Shh."

grimreefer
Imagine the uproar if it had been a white person making that statement.

Seriously, statements like that might help them become a rich televangelist or something. 

clownsinnj
If they fail to discipline her than I will never, NEVER, purchase another WNBA ticket as long as I live. Make an example of Cappie's racist comments.

And that would make you different then the rest of America, how?  Everyone else is just taking a stand too.  A stand against am incredibly boring sport. 

hoochieman
Where is Sharpie Sharpton picketing outside Madison Square Garden?
Where is NBC, CBS and ABC railing against her?
Figures.
I guess this lady will get a pass because of her ignorance?
Her lack of knowledge? Wait she is a college graduate right?
That's what I thought. Another proud moment for Rutgers University.
What did she major in; Ebonics?
"They did pearl harbor so u can't expect anything less."
That's like saying I drove the slave ship to Jamestown Virginia.
Dumbo!

Baby elephant with big ears who's mother was wrongly imprisoned?
An acronym for Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass?
You; decide.
Finally, someone who agrees with Ms. Poindexter.

Unnamed Person

Throughout the Bible, there are many examples that God punished evil person or evil nation not only on the earth, but after life too. Historically, Japanese invaded, killed 20 millions of innocent Asians during WWII, from South Asia to northern Asia including China and Korea. Though the Westerners and Americans know that Hitler killed 6 million Jews and 4 millions Europeans during WWII, and condemn America's Atomic bombing on Hiroshima, most of the people don't know how the Japanese invasion all over the Asia stopped. Most ignorant people don't know the fact only the atomic bombing could stopped the Japanese invasions and brutal colonization that was already going on in Asia more than 40 years (from 1905-1945) without international intervention. To stop this ongoing Japanese crime in Asia, America intervened and warned Japanese emperor, one week before atomic bombing, to stop all invasion, and gave up the forced colonization. Japanese refused, so America had to use the atomic bomb to stop their brutal invasions all over Asia. Finally after atomic bombing, more than 8 nations in Asia found their freedom again. Also Animal Channels broadcasted series of the ' "Whale War" about Japanese wales ships' unlawful fishing acts of whale around Arctic, where internationally whale protected zone. These Japanese ships were disguised as "research ship" but in fact there were commercial ships brutally killing countless whales days and nights. When international fishing regulation ships ( role as police)approached to Japanese ships to stop the violation, instead of keeping the laws, they started to shoot against these humanitarian regulatory ships which don't have any guns or weapon equipments. Japanese' out-law attitude like this frustrate me deeply as one of the global citizen. Somehow Japanese seem they can kill, invade, and attack other nations, or animals whenever or wherever they feel like.
To me God is just as He says in the bible all over , and punishes evil acts.
Source(s): History books, Animal Channels, World Environment Protection Agency. Animal protection Agencies...

Despite coming from one "of the global citizen" with an obvious mastery of pluralization and grammar as well as a clear familiarity with the always educational "Animal Channels" (Cablevision Channel 148, of course), we remain unconvinced.  While we're not blind to the impact that the killing of "whales days and nights" has on their social lives, our research just doesn't the whole "retribution theory."
Source(s): Common sense, Our head not being up our ass, Science Books, Trues Tv, People who are not dumb; People who are dumb but not quite as dumb as people who think that god did it.

Characters At Work

Life is chock full of characters.  And as a contract attorney, or "Contract Professional" as we sometimes unironically dub our self, we have the privilege of meeting an inordinate amount of them.  Maybe 1% actually choose the nomadic existence and there's many who are just stuck between jobs or whatever, but for most part there's a reason many can't find a "real" job; they're a little ... off. 

Part of (the only?) the fun of this job is observing our co-workers (some might call this "eavesdropping" or even "stalking") to try to decipher what their fatal flaw is.  After 3 months of so, we've managed to categorize a few of them (the names and identities of the individuals have been changed to protect the innocent): 

Data:  Besides the creepily smooth skin and an icy demeanor that reminds us of a futuristic cyborg, Data's most notable quality is that he simply does not speak.  Not a single word.  At all.  After 4 months of not hearing him make a sound or seeing him make eye contact, we've come to the conclusion that he's a document coding robot sent from the future to code a key document non-responsive and prevent future Armageddon.  We hope his mission is successful but for now, he's just making us uncomfortable.

Johnny No Knees:  Perhaps the most annoying of our fellow prisoners, Johnny stands out for two reasons: (1) his apparent inability to bent his lower limbs which has him shuffling around like Seamus from Family Guy; and (2) his grating tendency to laugh as his own unfunny non-jokes.  For instance, JNK might, during a conversation about making up missed hours due to snow, say something like:

I'm still averaging 37 and a half hours a week even with the snow. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Perhaps we're just not sophisticated enough to appreciate such a dynamic comedic mind.

The Teapot:  Most people have a filter that prevents them from saying inappropriate things.  The differe4nce for The Teapot is his filter can only hold back the flood of craziness coursing through his brain for so long until, like your stove top tea kettle, it boils over and he randomly blurts something out.  These outbursts often come totally unprovoked after long periods of silence and seem to be directed at no one in particular.

Teapot: [to nobody in particular]: I'm not wearing any deodorant today.
Victim:  [confused]  Huh?
Teapot: Yeah, I'm not wearing any deodorant today.  I wanted to be like the Indian over there.
Victim: Wow.
Teapot:  Yeah, don't those Indians smell? 
Victim:  [trying to defuse the situation] So, do I need to worry about smelling you?
Teapot:  No, you won't smell me.  I can only wear deodorant every other day, otherwise it's too strong. 
Victim:  Um.....ok. Thanks for sharing.



[This exchange reminds us of how important your choice of words is.  If you say "Damn, Indians smell."  People are going to think you hate the smell of curry or the blood of white interlopers.  But, if you choose your words wisely and say "Damn, those people from India smell."  Everyone will understand that you're referring to the fact that sometimes people from other countries don't like to wear deodorant.]

The Wedding DJ:  The Wedding DJ loves the monochrome shirt/black pants look.  He loves it so much he wear it every damn day.  Whenever he walks past we keep hoping he'll give us a plastic blow-up guitar and liven this shit up with the "Chicken Dance."  Invest in some stripes, friend.

The Quasi-Boss:  With a demeanor that screams "Please Don't Ask Me a Question", our supposed team leader makes it clear with every "Um's", "Uh's", repeating of of questions back and Send it to me later", he reminds us just how meaningless this whole thing is.  If he's our "Team Leader" and entrusted with making sure the project is completed both smoothly and successfully, well, we're all just fucked. 

The Writer:  The Writer's story is pretty predictable.  He's not a shitty lawyer, he a writer, man and he's only doing this job to pay the bills until he establishes himself and goes on to his true career as a big time writer.  But, just like a strippers working their way through college, that's total bullshit.  He's a lawyer, he's always going to be a lawyer and the sooner he gets over his delusions, everyone will be better off.  The worst part about The Writer?

He's us.

College Football - Jim Tressel Exposed - Whoopty Damn Do

So apparently Jim Tressel knew that some of his players had sold memorabilia in violation of NCAA rules, as well as tangentially being connected with a guy involved in a federal drug distribution investigation, back in April 2010 - before the season and before the NCAA investigation and before they were suspended (and then not suspected for the Sugar Bowl) -  but didn't say anything believing that some vague sense of confidentiality trumped his duty to, you know, tell the truth. 

We're stunned.  Really, just completely stunned.  How could a man that looks like this ever lie:

Who wouldn't trust a man with that icy stare?

Oh that's right.  It's because he's a big time football coach and that's what they do!!  We forgot.  Our bad. Of course, because that's what they do, the collective media is engaging in a fair amount of lamenting and hand-wringing trying to decipher how they were duped, yet again.  In fairness, they do have to write something and if you can't come up with a creative angle, it's easy to pull the old "Coach X isn't the man he said he was" story from your stock database, change the name and there you go.  It's like Campbell's Instant Story. 

When you think about it, of course he's not the man he said he was.  How many people do you know who actually are?  1? 2?  Are you even the person you say you are?  It's pretty rare to be that honest or self-aware.  We're all the person we say we are when it's convenient but when the pressure is on, that facade breaks down and you find out what a person is really about.  And for Tressel, like most coaches, it was winning and self preservation.  Any any person with the capacity to devote the time and single-minded effort needed to succeed at the highest levels of sports has something, very very wrong deep in their core.  Coaches are sociopaths.  So why would Jim Tressel be any different?  Because he wears a sweater vest? 

College sports is big business and to succeed you've got to win and that's what, we as fans want.  If they love god and treat their players (particularly the really good ones) like family, that's a bonus.  Until they stop wining, of course, then all that "We Are Family" stuff will keep them about as employed as Sister Sledge.  So hopefully, the enlightened of us can move past the fake outrage and take the next "scandal" in stride like when we find out that JoePa impregnated a flapper during the roaring 20's. 

Finally, not that it would ever happen, but what Tressel should have done was to become the face of the NCAA opposition movement.  Instead of blatantly lying about what he was thinking (anytime you start explaining what you yourself must have been thinking, it's an obvious sign of dishonesty), he have walked up to the mic and told the assembled media:

Yeah, I knew about it and I chose not to do anything because, quite frankly, it's a bullshit rule.  How could I sit there in my huge office with my $2.5m salary at a school that makes millions off their backs and tell them it's wrong to sell their OWN stuff.  How is that fair?  If the NCAA wants to do their job and investigate them so be it, but I'm not turning them in for something so ridiculous. 

And with that form of civil disobedience, he'd have changed the argument completely from "How could Jim Tressel be a liar?" to "Are the NCAA rules fair?"  He'd be a modern day Che Guevara and crunchy kids (or just people who shop at Target) everywhere would we wearing sweater vests with his silhouetted face on them.  He'd be a hero.  Instead, now he's just like everyone else.

Real Hoops - Why the Heat are the Most Disappointing Team in the NBA (It's Not What You Think)

Our thesis had a lot more oomph a week ago when we originally planned on writing it and they were sitting at 43-16, a mere game or so away from the suddenly spry East's top seed, but, lack of dramatic effect or not, the Miami Heat are, by far, the most disappointing team in the National Basketball Association.  That sentiment is pretty common place these days but, for us, it's not for the standard reasons.

It's not because they're 3-11 against the other "elite" teams in the League (Spurs, Celtics, Mavericks, Bulls, Lakers, and Magic).

It's not because they're 2-13 in games decided by 5 points of less against winning teams.

It's not because they're 1-for-14 in potential game-tying or game-winning situations in the final 10 seconds of games.

It's not because they've lost 4 whole games in a row.

And it's not because the sky is falling and grown men, who's ego, hubris and all the other things that are supposed to make them immune to such outward signs of concern, are crying in the locker room.

And it's not even because they have 2 of the 3 best players in the league and should be better than 43-20.

No, it's because, they've made the game of basketball ugly.  We never thought it possible that a team with two of the best passers and play makers alive could,  in a cloud of isolations, terrible 3 pointers and wayward layups, made the league's most interesting team completely and utterly unwatchable.  But that's exactly what has happened and to fans of basketball who see the game as something more than numbers and win/loss records, that's the biggest sin of all. 

(We'll for the most part spare Mr. Bosh the indignity of blame in this particular critique (his play is a big enough indignity itself), his declination does make us wonder, with the benefit of complete hindsight, whether someone else, say Amare Stoudemire, wouldn't have been a better fir for this particular team.  You can bet your asbestos that STAT wouldn't have gone 8 minutes of anything without attempting a shot.)

Even before the season  and before their apparent crisis of confidence, even the most optimistic of fans would have been forced to admit that the Heat had real issues to address before they could truly be considered a contender but those concerns were tangible, like who would get the ball and crunch time and how they would defend dominant interior players.  We're more concerned with aesthetics. 
See, when players of this caliber come together and elicit such legitimate emotion, be it excitement, anger or even fear, they're measured, not by wins and losses or championships but by something greater - the beauty of the game.  They're measured against what they could be, against the "What If".  They're measured against our imaginations.  Sure, ugly teams can win but beautiful teams capture more than just titles and we had once hoped that this year would be the beginning of a process in which the Heat could achieve both.  They might not raise a banner but they surely would raise the game. 

Basketball is often compared to improvisational jazz because, when the players are in sync, the unplanned, spontaneous movements of individuals converges into something that rivals even the most meticulously planned piece.  That was going to be the Heat, at least in our minds.  All the fanfare, fireworks and nicknames (The Heatles, Eric Spoelstra and the Miami Shit Machine) was just white noise as we imagined peerless individual performers coming together to make something memorable - LeBron tearing down a rebound and pushing the ball up court contemplating whether to dish to Wade screaming down the wing or leave it for Bosh trailing the play.  They were going to be Magic, Michael and Kevin playing together on some fantasy team.  Every cut would end in a dunk, every jumper an open 3.  LeBron might average a triple double, Wade might lead the league in scoring, Bosh would prove he was a winning player.  LeBron and Wade would become the sporting Lennon-McCartney, covering the others' weakness and lifting their Ringos - to heights they never thought they could reach.  The whole becoming something so much more than its parts.  They'd be something more than basketball, a traveling road show, Cirque du Soleil without the small men in spandex. 

All this gave us hope that, as a younger generation of basketball fans we could see our own version of Jogo Bonito and understand how teams like the 1970 Knicks, the 1977 Blazers and the 1986 Celtics still hold an almost mythical esteem by those who saw them play.  It went beyond winning, it was artistry, basketball as an almost religious experience.  We didn't have to be a Heat fan to wish for something special. 

Of course, that's not what we've gotten, not in the least.  Instead of a collective ascension, we've been treated to a collective drain.  Instead of lifting themselves to new heights, they've succeeded only in dragging each other down - Wade more than LeBron, Bosh most of all.  The numbers may remain, but the flair, the excitement, the sense of wonder, is gone.  Instead of defenses scrambling to contain them, it's the Heat scrambling to keep up.  No pass leads to a dunk, every jumper is a contested 3 and everything just feels ... forced.  In the rare moments when things do click, it comes on the break when athleticism and instincts trump skill and decision making and the players, are for a brief moment, free to be themselves and create lasting memories with otherworldly dunks and full court lobs.  But those moments are few and far between and too often give way to the blown leads and a lack of urgency that have sullied the Heat's inaugural season like the proverbial zit on the pretty girl's face.

Maybe the carrot of winning and the chance at immortality isn't enough to overcome the ego, the insecurity, the need to be the man and make the ball something to be shared rather than coveted.  Or maybe these stars weren't prepared for the expectations of winning.  Whatever the reason, and even if at some point, they figure it out and win one, two, or even three titles, if that triumph comes through brute force rather than artistry, it will always feel like an opportunity lost.  We'll always be disappointed that they fell short of what we imagined the could be.

Things We Hate - The Last Remaining Bumper Stickers

And We'll Forgive That Kid Who Stole Our Pencil In Third Grade
When the Native Americans Forgive White People

One of the drawbacks of commuting, in addition to things like absurdly overpriced gas, the mornic drivers and completely wasted time, is all the time we have to think.  As you may have noticed from our occasional (ok, maybe more than occasional) semi-coherent rantings, for us, thinking isn't always a good thing.   When we think we get annoyed about dumb shit.  And when we get annoyed about dumb shit, we write.  And because of this, you have The Persnickety Project.  From Train songs to Bad Rutgers Promos to Child Safety Signs, we hate a lot of shit.  That brings us to todays hot topic - Bumper Stickers. 

Sure, you dont't see them around all that much anymore but like other things that seem like things of the past - good network television, guitars in popular music, jobs - they pop up just enough to remind us that the world really is an awful place.  People think they're getting:

SOMETHING PROFOUND

But, instead they really get:

While it would be nice if everyone who was deluded enough to think that putting a 6-word saying on the back of their car is somehow compelling would simply drive off a bridge while contemplating their awesomness; That's just not going to happen.  Therefore, as a public service we came up with some ways of improving the last remaining bumper stickers.

1.  Be Truthful

If you're going to insist on advertising your complete lack of creativity and personal pride in such an absurd manner, you should at least be honest about it. 

Say you're a real ladies man (or lesbian, we suppose).  Instead of something trying to go with something classy like this:

Why not be be honest and just say what you really mean:

LONELY

Or any maybe you fancy one of those famous "[Blank] On Board" stickers like this one:

Yeah, we did.

Just go ahead and do this:

DOOSH

[adding "On Board" is, of course, an option.]

Finally, perhaps you are already such a truthteller, we mean you really, really tell it how it is.  You don't pull no punches.  Then you get yourself one of these so's that everybody knows it:

But be real, man, this it the truth:

NOBODY LIKES ME

BECAUSE I MAKE

THEM UNCOMFORTABLE

WITH MY IGNORANCE

2. Be Complete.

The other big problem, and as a bit of an offshoot of the first point, is that people don't tell the whole story with their bumper art.  So, we think that all the subtext should be included.

So you're pissed Obama won the election and your convinced he's the second coming (of Lenin, not Christ).  So you snag this bad boy:

But when you read between the lines, you're really saying:

Socialism Is Scary ...

Or So I'm told

Or maybe you sit on the other side of the aisle, you're from a blue state so to speak, you might have this one on your Prius or your bike or your hemp messenger bag or whatever it is you goddamn hippies have:

What you should say is:

I DON'T HAVE A JOB

OR A MORTGAGE

AND MY PARENTS

PAID FOR COLLEGE,

SO ALL REPUBLICANS

ARE DUMB!!

Or say you just loooooove guns so much that you slap one of these bad boys on your F950:

It's really too simplistic.  Tell the whole story Bubba:

I Own a Gun and

I'm Looking For An Excuse

to Kill Someone

Actually, that's more like what you want to say but what you're really saying is:

KEEP HONKING ...

I NEED ANOTHER BORING

STORY TO TELL MY

FAMILY TONIGHT

Or maybe you're from the Republic of Texas and you're darn proud of it:

So say what you really feel, cowboy:

TEXAS:

WE'RE REDNECKS AND

WE EXECUTE THE MENTALLY RETARDED.

NEED I SAY MORE?

Or maybe you're one of those people who likes to pretend they only drive that piece of shit Dodge Neon to work.  "It's my commuter car!!"  No, it's not. 

What you're going for is something funny like:

MY OTHER CAR IS AN EXPENSIVE FOREIGN LUXURY MODEL WHICH SHOULD SUPRISE YOU BECAUSE THIS ONE IS SUCH A PIECE OF SHIT

But what it really says is:

I MAKE BAD CHOICES IN LIFE

3.  It's OK To Be An Honor Student.

Probably the most widespread sticker out there is the "Proud Parent of an Honor Student" one.  Those ones are really great.  Nothing shows your appreciation for all your child's hard work more than a sticker on a car that you hate and only bought because you couldn't fit all those little bastards in your Miata.  Much better than a hug.  The second most popular, might be the always hilarious "response" one:

We think a better response would be something along these lines:

My Kid Kicked
Your Honor Student's Ass

And That Will Probably
Be the Highlight of His Life

Because We Don't
Value Education in our Household

Or:

How Dare You Be Proud
of Your Child's Accomplishments.

It Makes Me Feel Bad About
Myself and My Parenting Skills

Or, simply:

IT'S COOLER TO BE DUMB

4. Be "Creative"

What's really lacking in in the bumper sticker industry is creativity.  It's just too easy to come up with creative sayings.  To prove this point, we wrote a few bad ones of our own:

In response to all the "Right-Wings Crazies" we've got this one:

If We Let You Keep Your Guns,

Freedom and Money -

Will You Please Go Away?

Or maybe if you're feeling a like a silly goose:

EAT ME

-Cookies

Or if you're Mrs. Obama, you could go with:

EAT ME

-Fruits +

Veggies

A little something to keep things in perspective in this crazy, material world:

Keep the "Break"

in Breakfast

And for those people who just love to bring up historical quotes to show how modern society has forgotten the virtues that once made this country so great:

I (HEART) Guns and Slaves
-Thomas Jefferson

Maybe your a deep thinking, philosophy type:

God Is Too Big To Fit In One Religion

And You're Too Big To Fit

In Those Pants

And finally, if you're a self promoting ass (this one is our favorite):

ThePersnicketyProject.blogspot.com