Three Days Late Blogging the Super Bowl Halftime Show - 1200 words on 12 minutes

Laziness is a bitch.  From the day the NFL announced that The Black Eyed Peas would invade the stage at The Jones Mahal (the eternal symbol of excessive wealth), we knew it would be something special.  And given the extreme physical and mental discomfort we experience at the mere mention of the Peas, we knew it would be something we'd want to ridicule.  Unfortunately thanks to the aforementioned laziness (the computer was all the way on the other side of the room) we missed the boat. 

HOWEVAH (trademark - Stephen A. Smith), thanks to miracles of modern technology like America's time machine, YouTube, we can go back in time ....

(plays stock fantastical music that indicates a trip back in time)

Super Bowl Sunday - Halftime.

(Editor's note:  In addition to your usual write, today's Persnickety Plural is brought to you by The Mrs., our buddy Burd and his Mrs so if you find anything funny, it was probably one of them.  All comments are reproduced without the express written consent.)

We're still recovering from Christina Aguilera's butchering of the National Anthem.  We were so distracted by her apparent love of comfort foods in the wake of her big divorce that e never noticed she screwed up the lyrics.  (Sample line from her new album: "You are beautiful, no matter how much you weigh."  It's the REMIX!!)   

Anyway, after that debacle, we're ready for some more music to cleanse our pallet.  Unfortunately, we get the Black Eyed Peas (as we were reminded roughly 800 times during the game by FOX).  Before the show starts we're discussing what songs they might play.  Our best bet on what they definitively will not play is anything that makes sense."  (We really do hesitate to call what they create "songs."  They always seem much more like the ramblings of a homeless man set to music.)  On the bright side, there's a 30% chance we'll get the will.i.am hologram instead of the real thing.

And here we go ...
0:00 - "I've Got a Feeling" ... that tonight's gonna to be a train wreck.  And that's confirmed with one look at the outfits.  Fergie's rockin a Halloween classic, The Slutty Linebacker.  will.i.am the black leather Gumby, of course. (credit to Larry Legend for that one)  The Ninja is ninja-y.  The other two guy - uh, who cares.  Are we sure he's even in the group?

0:37 -  In a completely unsurprising development, Fergie actually sounds better with her mic off. 

0:54 - MAZEL TOV!!  That line makes us want to chuck a mazel-tov cocktail on stage. 

1:19 - "Boom, Boom, Pow"  Oh good, it's a medley.  Why play one shitty song all the way through when you can torture us with 6 of them? 

1:34:  Does this count as rap or would rap get offended and threaten to fight you if you used it's name in association with whatever is happening on stage right now?  We're gonna go with the latter in that wholly unbiased scenario we just made up.

1:40:  Wow, the studio effects are really important, aren't they?  Sorry Billy, you can't just try to do funny robot voices to make up for it.

1:57 - "I'm so 2008, you're so 2000 and late."  How does she manage to say that with a straight face?  That line makes us uncomfortable to be alive.  Full body douche chills.  It might be the worst line ever recorded in modern music.  We almost feel the need to light ourselves on fire to protest the injustice. 

2:18 - Holy crap!! The Ninja actually talks?  We had always assumed the Black Eyed Peas were some sort of Special Olympics band and he was the mute.

2:34 - Maybe he's just better off not talking.

3:05 - "Sweet Child of Mine."  Oh good, now they're going to ruin other people's songs as well. 

3:15 - Why wouldn't Slash be there?  Is there any crappy cameo appearance he'd pass up?  Apparently his musical integrity went the way of something that is long gone but vaguely related to Slash and/or Guns 'N Roses that we can't think of.  At least he's wearing a bedazzled hat. 

3:33 - Ok, it must be said - Fergie cannot friggin sing.  She is terrible.  We always kind of assumed that to be a famous musician to either had to be a good singer or good looking.  She's neither. We just don't get Fergie. Can someone explain this? (And she is not hot.  She has all the trappings of a hot person - blond hair, half-naked style of dressing, etc. - so you're fooled into thinking she's hot.  But it's all just to distract from the fact that when you really look at her, she looks like a recovering meth addict.  This is not up for debate.)

3:40 - Is that supposed to be Axel Rose's snakey-dance thing?  She looks like the dancing hamsters we gave our grandma once that sang "I'm Too Sexy."

4:00 - On second thought, maybe that medley thing isn't such a bad idea.  If we had to listen to all of "Sweet Child O' Mine" we'd probably break down and cry-eye. 

4:40: "Noises and Yelling."  That's what this one is called right?

5:25:  Hand Gestures!!

6:00:  "Let's Get Mentally Challenged"  For 44 seconds at least.  If ever there was a case for lipsynching through your performance this is it.  They sound like 4 friends drunkenly shouting out the words at a bar.  It would have been significantly less embarrassing if they got "Ashely-Simpsoned."  At least in that scenario they'd have an excuse.

6:55:  Oh my god, that's Usher's music!!!!!  Come to think of it, why didn't Usher just do the halftime show.  Oh that's right. It's because Usher's too busy dancing to sing. 
8:20 -  Aaand the Packers trainers have just announced that Usher has suffered what they are calling a massively torn groin.  His return, much like his choice to attempt that move, is questionable.

8:48:  "Where is the Love."  This one is soo deep.  Never thought we'd be hoping Justin Timberlake would show up to make things better.  Guess the whole nipple thing hasn't quite blown over yet.

9:28 - If we were one of the people with the glowing Christmas light suits on, we'd probably just walk the hell off.  But on the way out we'd strategically remove one light bulb from every one's costumes.  And on some we'd replace it with the special blinking bulb.

9:45:  Why is she yelling!!

10:23 - What ... the ... "The Dirty Dancing Song"?  Someone suggested that Jennifer Grey should come dancing out on stage.  We think she should come dancing out on stage in the arms of Patrick Swayze's corpse. 

11:00 - Seems like there's something wrong with their tape deck.  Any why exactly are there people dancing on stage with boxes on their heads?

11: 15 - "I've Got A Feeling"  THE REPRISE!!  If you're the Black Eyed Peas, are you back stage after the performance all excited and delusional about how you killed it?  Or do you just click on the Bank of America app on your phone, check the balance and laugh?

12:06 - And thank gosh it's finally over.  Ohhh hoooo!!!