As you may have guessed from our humble writings we are of the masculine persuasion. And as a practicing man, we feel it's our duty to speak out against beer commercials - Bud Light specifically. (We know, we know, this is about to get very controversial, but hear us out.) It's not that they're simply devoid of humor, it's that they insist on making guys look like complete buffoons.
Whether it's the "Bud v. Regular Light Beer" commercials where the saucy bartenders make fun of the guys in dragon clothes, sunglasses, and skinny jeans (sorry, but last time we checked you were a bartender and your job was to serve drinks, not insults. How bout you get a degree and then you're allowed to be a gigantic asshole like the rest of us professionals.) or the worst offenders of all - the "Here We Go" campaign. Take this one for example, evidently called "Close Encounters of Another Kind":
After they shot this did they imagine a bunch of dudes are sitting around a dorm at some overpriced private university (don't waste your money go to community college, kids) laughing their asses off?
[uncontrollable laughter]
Imaginary Guy #1: Bro, I would totally bang that alien chick, bro. I don't even care if she's got antlers, bro.
Imaginary Guy #2: Totally bro. Big time, bro. Oh and if her and her friends had some Bud Lights, bro, I'd totally take a probe in the ass, bro.
IG#1: Yeah, bro, that sounds like it might feel good too.
[silence]
IG #1: I mean, let's get drunk tonight and forget I eva said that. K, bro?
IG #2: Nice. What kinda beers you wanna get, bro.
IG #1: Dunno. Whateva's cheapest.
With the exception of the last part, that conversation never ever happens. And it never happens regarding a house made of beer cans. Or a book club. Or a bungee jumper. And if it did, everyone involved should immediately die in a mud slide, entombed for all eternity with only their own stupidity.
We know plenty of people who love beer (and not in the "I'm an alcoholic sense") and we sincerely doubt they'd volunteer for alien reproductive experiments (everyone saw the "V" commercials during "Lost" even if no one watches the actual show) and we know if they came home after a house remodel and the only thing changed was a bucket of beer in the kitchen - they'd be pissed that they didn't get their granite counter tops. We really don't think guys like this actually exist.
But if so, why is this crap so prevalent? It's not just beer commercials, modern sitcoms do it as well. They make any straight guy either a crazy/lecherous bachelor or a married guy who can't figure out how to tie his own shoes. (We've been both a bachelor and married and were neither lecherous or in need of Velcro shoes.) It's not about how the portraying men as beer obsessed losers is bad for society or the children or some shit like that. It's just weird that so much mass produced comedy would hit the same note over and over again. It's kind of insulting.
What does this all have to do with Valentine's Day (VD if you've got the itch to shorten it)? Well, that's the day we realized we were completely wrong about the whole thing. These people do exist, kind of. As part of the intro to a sports talk show, were were listening to, the hosts were discussing the merits of VD and said something along the lines of "Well, today's Valentine's day, guys, the day to do the right thing for your lady, otherwise you'll get in trouble." It wasn't said ironically or humorously, they were totally serious. As we sat their wondering whether we had given people too much credit we realized that's not how they truly felt but rather what they thought their audience wanted to hear. They were talking like a real guy is supposed to talk.
It's not like it's some simple "cause and effect" thing between the idiocy portrayed on tv and the way guys think they're supposed to act. It's probably more of a reflection but you have all this mass media catering to a group of people who are all, collectively pretending to exist. And the worst part of it all? We do the same damn thing. In fact, we did it last week, talking about being so bummed out because Valentine's Day would interfere with Monday night basketball. Of course, we were lying through our goddamn teeth because on some absurd, almost subconscious, level we thought that was what we were supposed to say. Like we'd get more respect for wanting to play basketball on Valentine's Day then being a good husband. Sure the beer commercials take it to an absurd length but the principal still applies. So, what's the solution, the point of all this blabber?
How bout we all just cut the fuckin shit? Let's admit we celebrate Valentine's Day because it's a nice excuse to spend time with our wives and (gasp!) because they love them. We don't do it to stay out of trouble, we do it cause it's fun. While we're at it, let's make it a point point to remember that there's no way a guy is "supposed" to act and just be real. If you like beer, drink it. But if you prefer a frozen cocktail, drink that. It tastes good, if your friends deny it they're lying sacks of shit. If you hate your girlfriend, move along. If you love her, don't be ashamed to say your taking her out to her favorite place for dinner. You're not whipped, you're honest.
Maybe then the beer commercials will start reflecting a more diverse, nuanced vision of what guys really and we can stop being so goddamn annoyed watching tv. And, honestly, that's really what it's all about.
Until next time, we sincerely hope you enjoyed your VD.
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