Things We Hate - Lazy Diabolical Parking Meters

Planning on parking here today?
Too fucking bad.

I’m a parking meter. I hate you and I'm going to ruin your morning for sport.


Here's the deal. I’m from Westfield so I’m doing pretty well.  In fact, I don’t even need to work.  I just do it to keep busy so you know I really could give a crap about my job.  So what if I'm supposed to take your money, in whatever form you choose to use, and grant you the right to park in one of the few not-snow-covered spots in my lot.  Maybe I just don’t feel like counting coins today.  Those things are so heavy and there’s all those different sizes and denominations, it’s a lot of work.  So I’ll just spit them out or maybe keep them, whatever. Plus, it’s cold outside and I’m metal.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll decide I don’t like your particular type of dollar bills.  I don't care how many times you try to smooth them out.  No dice asshole.  Still, you can bring them over, there’s no sign on me to tell you I’m not taking them and when you try to pay, maybe I’ll make a weird noise.  Or maybe I’ll just sit there and do nothing like I'm in a coma.  Or maybe I’ll take your dollar. And then maybe I won’t. And then maybe I’ll take your dollar for a second. And then maybe I won’t.  If I’m feeling really salty, maybe I’ll take one of your dollars and not the other. Oh, it’s hilarious when that happens.  It’s great just to see the crushed look on your face as you try to figure out what to do next since you’re out of quarters from parking here for 3 months.

Don’t be silly and press the refund button, that will just get you a piece of paper that says something cryptic like “notes refund.” What is that? Who knows but it won’t buy you an Arizona Iced Tea.

Maybe you can put some dimes and nickles in?  It will only take about 50 of them.  Hope you have big hands.  Go ahead, we dare you. We’ll take some of them … but not them all!! Maybe we didn’t like the taste of that last one so you’re not getting your 6 minutes. Oh, and we're not even going to think about giving it back to you.  No chance. You can punch me all you want.  You can break out those karate kicks you’ve been practicing like a douche in the basement.  None of it will work.  Did you forget, I'm made of metal baby!!  Your coins are mine and you can’t have them.

So why don’t you just push the little green button, take the hour of time I gave you and be grateful you get to park here at all. We’ll see you every hour on the hour. Hope that doesn’t screw up your work day, asshole.