The Persnickety Project's Holiday Gift Guide to Gift Giving - Part Deuce

For Part 1 go here.

The Holiday Season remains upon us so The Persnickety Project is back to help you find the best gifts for all of those people you feel obligated to spend money on.  Today, we going upscale to Neiman Marcus.  These gifts prove that money really is everything and they're perfect when you want to splurge on that mistress, illegitimate child or anyone else whose love you need to buy or you just want to keep quiet when you don't call for three months. 

Juicy Couture Connect Four ($38)


What's good about "Juicy Couture Connect Four"?
Umm.....It Rhymes!!

How exactly does someone make the decision to buy the juicy Couture Connect Four?  Let's find out.

Rich Mom:  Hey honey, I thought of a great gift for the kids this year - Connect Four.

Rich Dad:  No.  When I was a lad, only the poor children - you know the ones with parents that drove American cars - played games like that. 

Rich Mom:  That is a good point, we can't have our children sharing any life experiences with the commoners.  It might ruin our plan to isolate them completely from the real world. 

Rich Dad:  Plus, it resembles checkers, just without the requirement of any skill or strategy.  Our children shall play chess!!

Rich Mom:  But they're too stupid.

Rich Dad:  Good point for you my flower. 

Rich Mom:  What if we bought them the "Juicy Couture" version from Neiman Marcus? 

Rich Dad: So it's a designer board game?  I'm sold.  Isn't that the company that makes the pants with "juicy" on the ass that children who are entirely too young wear?




Rich Mom:  They sure are!! Plus it's ridiculously priced at $40 for a dozen pieces of hard plastic. 

Rich Dad:  Then buy two!!

Annual Popcorn Tin ($48)

At this price you'd expect to find a
real diamond ring in this box of Cracker Jack.
 But you won't. 

That bespectacled freak, Orville Redenbacher can suck your ass if he thinks he can compete with this $50 bucket of stale ass popcorn.  That's right, only $50 (plus tax and unconscionable shipping and handling).  Not even Boy Scouts selling door-to-door can compete with those prices.  Better yet, you'll receive not 1 but 3 flavors of this rare delicacy, popped corn.  You can't find things like this anywhere, like any food store, or pharmacy, or Target or Walmart, or everywhere.  Its that type of innovation that makes Neiman Marcus special.    

Silver Plated Piggy Bank ($47.50)

It's not just a gift,
it's a symbol of excess.

Having trouble instilling in your spawn the importance of saving?  Do you not realize that they have no concept of money because you've bought them ever single thing they've ever asked for?  Well, we have the gift for you, this gorgeous SILVER PLATED PIGGY BANK.  Just think of the mixed messages you'll be sending when you try to explain the concepts of financial responsibility while handing them a piggy bank made of precious metal.  You're little Scrooge McDuck might not appreciate it now, but when they need money for pot in 10 years those sacagawea dollars sure will come in handy!!

Parrot Pillbox ($695)

Squawk!!
I'm watching you abuse those pills!
Whistle, whistle!!

If you need a place to hide your painkillers, you can splurge on this symbol of gaudiness.  It comes complete with dark black eyes that stare judgmentally at you each of the dozen times a day you pick him up to take another percocet to ease the pain of your failure. 
Pumpkin-Color Cards and Envelopes (50 cards for $605)



When regular paper just won't due.

 Thank you notes have never been so pretentious!! For just $605 you can share your deepest gratitude to someone by sending a card guaranteed to cost more than the shitty gift you're thanking them for.   

Crystal Buddha ($600)



Become One With the Nothingness Inside You



Buddhism teaches us that "suffering is caused by craving ... often expressed as a deluded clinging to a certain ... things or phenomena that we consider the cause of happiness or unhappiness ... [and] [s]uffering ends when craving ends."  Satisfy your cravings for all things unnecessary and end your suffering with this $600 crystal buddha.  Guaranteed to make you feel at peace with your life.

Warning:  Feeling of peace is only temporary.