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| Welcome to Walmart. May I kill your soul? |
Because Rutgers scheduled their weekly embarrassment for 11 A.M. on Black Friday morning (it's not possible to come up with a worse time if you were actually trying to), we roused ourselves out of our tryptophan-aided slumber at 6 to avoid missing out on what has become a yearly tradition for us, watching our neighbors conduct the "American Black Friday Ritual." It's a three step process: (1) Show up to store on 2 hours of sleep with 300 other people all going after the same sale item only to realize the store had 3 in stock; (2) Become irrationally angry when the item is predictably sold out and that guy over there got 2; and (3) Spend a bunch of money on stuff they really don't need anyway.
We try not to get caught up in it too much maybe picking up a few things that we already had on our lists to by. For us, it's all about the experience.By the time we get out, the true insanity of the morning has already pretty much died down but there's still that of mania in the air that makes it fun. At Walmart, however, that hint is more of an overpowering stench.
When we approached the big blue entrance and saw the middle-aged "Greeter" with his head resting the outer door contemplating many of his life choices, we should have turned around. Not to be deterred by the warning, we forged ahead. By the time we got into the store we were welcomed not only by the distinct smell of Arkansas but also the sight of Walmart employees literally throwing shitty, cheap toys onto a display and people grabbing them almost as fast as they went up under the mistaken impression that they must be something good if they're being put out with such gusto.
At that point, we did away with any niceties and made a bee-line through the cereal aisle (oh look, Lucky Charms are on sale!!) towards our destination - electronics, the home of $37 video games. On our way we dodged the people attempting to lay on top of a 32" TV box to protect their deals. Guess we're not buying another TV today.
Electronics was the worst of all, resembling what we imagine an Afghan Bazaar to be. It was utter chaos, complete with lots of people running around speaking languages we don't understand, sketchy salespeople and no help in sight. Of course, the $37 video games were either gone or never existed in the first place. As we fled past the two employees, each missing many more teeth than meals, blocking an aisle complaining about the customers (you wonder why the customers are pissed when instead of helping your hiding in towels bitching?) towards our safe haven, the comparatively serene Target. Yep, we're those people.
1. Tom Coughlin, Coach, New York Giants;
Really, Tom? You had to go and bench Ahmad Bradshaw in favor of The Man-Child this week? Couldn’t have done it BEFORE the fantasy trade deadline or at least given some indication that a change might be afoot? It's not like his fumbling problems are anything new. Or like we decided, on the eve of the deadline, to move one of our 3 starting caliber runners for some wide receiver help. Or that after realizing that Bradshaw, at 24-year, had already put himself in the top 5 in rushing. Of that no sane person would figure with those numbers he'd lose his job. Of that we made the decision to move someone else and make Ahmad the centerpiece of our keeper team. And in no way are we now royally fucked because we traded all our depth for a title run and there isn't crap left on the waiver wire. No, none of that happened at all.
On the bright side, owners who kept Jacobs around had their patience (laziness?) rewarded and now have a guy who looked pretty good with 87 yards on 14 carries (6.2 per) Sunday on their bench. We guess Bradshaw steadily earns his carries back over the remaining weeks and tips the scales back in his favor simply because he's better but he certainly can't expect the full load like he had through the first 11.
2. Frank Gore, RB/Elderly Man, San Francisco 49ers;
Can someone get this guy a glass of milk? Gore earns the rare back-to-back FU for suffering an injury normally reserved for those possessing brittle, osteoporosis riddled bones - a broken hip. WFT is that? After getting off to such a great start (10 carries, 52 yards) before becoming infirm, owners can only wonder how much of the 200 or so yards rolled up by the Niners would have been his. It's too early to tell what, if any, impact the injury will have on Gore heading into next year (early reports are it won't hinder his return for the beginning of the season) but the effect on fantasy teams is like becoming incontinent, nothing you can do but try your best to cover it up and go about your day. It's too late for trades so grab the oft-concussed Brian Westbrook (136 yards and a touchdown on Monday night) and if you miss out on him, take a shot at Anthony Dixon for when Westbrook becomes concussed yet again. Looks like we named the "Frank Gore Pledge" from last week's column was aptly named, huh?
3. Stevie Johnson, WR/Worship-Tweeter, Buffalo Bills;
Not sure how to cope with him dropping the game winning 50-yard TD pass, maybe we should just tweet about it.
WE START YOU 24/7!!!!!!! AND THIS IS HOW YOU DO US!!!!! YOU EXPECT US TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! WELL NEVER FORGET HOW THIS!! EVER!! THX THO...
4. Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee Titans;
Ladies and gentleman, your consensus #1 overall fantasy pick - 7 carries, 5 yards. Doesn't it seem like CJ has been a bust this year? After all the well-deserved hype and accolades last year he's been awfully quiet, right? Well, its more a function of fantasy's increasing unpredictability then anything CJ has done wrong. Despite a distinct lack of highlight reel runs and Sportscenter highlights, Johnson still has 973 yards and is on pace for about 1400. Sure, that's 600 under where we was last year but he still ranks 6th in the league. Not exactly a bust but not the transcendent season some expected. Still, as long as the Titans offense continues to be guided by guys with names like Rusty and Kerry, there could be more disappointing weeks ahead.
5. Dwayne Bowe, WR, Kansas City Chiefs;
We probably don't need to tell you this but Bowe has suddenly morphed into vintage Jerry Rice. His 13 catch, 170 yard, 3 TD performance was spectacular, a performance that most guys would kill to have just once in their career. Bowe? He's gone 13 catches, 150+ and 2+ TD twice in the last 3 weeks. If you remember our skepticism earlier in the year, you'll know we're stunned by the breakout then you are that we were wrong. Despite the 32 catches in the past 3 weeks, Bowe is only a shade above 50 for the year but what makes him a super-stud is his 14 touchdowns on the year. If he keeps up this pace he could challenge Randy Moss' (remember when he used to be good? Us neither) mark of 23 in a season.
6. Vincent Jackson, Inactive, San Diego Chargers;
It always seems like a great idea on draft day to grab the guy who's going to miss a few weeks when he's sitting there way way later than he normally would be. You get excited by idea of plugging him into your line-up in Week 6 and feeling like an Enron executive as you get 2nd round production from your 6th round pick. Unfortunately, it rarely works out that way. After drafting V-Jax, attempting to trade him, hoping he'd get traded in real life to a team without A.J. (which we believe stands for "Asshole Jerk" in this instance) Smith as its GM, and then waiting patiently for his big debut in Week 12 only to watch him play one series before leaving an injury, its time for us to admit we wasted a pick (one of many this year). Apparently he'll be out for another several weeks with the injury making it unlikely you'll even get playoff production from him. Well played, Us.
7. Anquan Boldin, WR, Baltimore Ravens;
In a world of spectacular fantasy busts like Randy Moss, it's easy to overlook one of the more subtle, yet still epic, busts of the year, Anquan Boldin. Boldin - a guy who used to regularly give you triple-digit reception seasons - created a ton of excitement as when he finally got his change to be the go-to guy, moving out of the shadow of Larry Fitzgerald, on a team with an up and coming young QB in Joe Flacco. We're going to go out on a limb and guess that performances like Sunday's 3 catch, 27 yard nothing were not part of those big expectations. Boldin's been in a word "craptacular." His 2 100 yard games this season all occurred before Week 4 and he's on pace to fall below 1,000 yards receiving for the first time ever while a full (or close to full) season. Anyone else think that Boldin and Fitz wish that god had told Kurt Warner to put off embarrassing himself on "Dancing With the Stars" one more year and they all could have stayed together?
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