As we’ve mentioned before, we’re doing contract attorney work right now. Basically, we review documents and, if we’re really lucky, we get to redact pronouns. In non-legal terms, this type of thing is generally called "Living The Dream."
Part of the deal with being a contract attorney is you get paid hourly. For like 99% of the world this isn't a big deal at all, but as a former firm attorney we're used to being a salaried employee and enjoying the highfalutin lifestyle that comes with it. You know, the ability to just go out and splurge on such luxuries as lunch at a place that doesn't advertise by making people run, going to he movies and the like. Plus, apparently if you fail to show up for work, you don't get paid. Want to take a day off? No pay. Are you sick? No pay. Stuck in traffic for 3 hours getting to work this morning? That's going to be reflected in your time sheet. It's a big adjustment becoming a totally expendable, highly temporary hourly employee. Yes, we were completely spoiled. We admit it, you can spare us the thinking about but not sending hate emails.
So, this past week, we guess in the spirit of the holidays, the permanent folk of our office decided to hold a bake sale with all the money going to help the Special Olympics. They had pumpkin pie, muffins, cookies, cupcakes all that nice stuff with prices ranging from $.50 to $1.
We love baked goods. So that's a great thing, right? No. Why? Because we've become the cheapest bastard on the planet earth. One of the other apparent casualties of our new lifestyle was our generosity. We used to, at least in our mind, be pretty willing to give our money away to charities and all that other crap. (One time we even whipped out our wallet to give a homeless guy some cash while walking through Penn Station in New York (Not a good idea, we know. Even the homeless guy was like "Son, I think you should keep your wallet in your pocket." Thanks Dad!) Yes, we were THAT generous. Believe it!!) Now, we couldn't imagine paying a whole dollar for a cupcake, even if it was funfetti!!
We have to save our money for Starbucks hot chocolate, gallons of Vitamin Water (734% of your daily value of vitamin C in each bottle), Clif bars and ridiculously overpriced gas. You know, important things. It’s like they were just taunting our on a budget, hourly paid ass. After battling the urge for two days to buy something every time we went to the bathroom, on the third day, once everything started to dry out and everyone else in the office had made their purchases, the baked-gooders gave the remaining leftovers away for free, but welcoming donations.
So we took a cupcake, of course. And you'd think we'd have the common decency to at least drop a quarter in the jar or something, right? Nope.
The moral to the story? We’d rather eat a stale cupcake for free then give money to a charity that helps kids live a dream for a fresh one. Yeah, we suck and that ruins our f’n day.
Let's move on to football before we make ourselves look even more deplorable.
1. Aaron Rodgers, Quarterback, Green Bay Packers;
It's fantasy playoff time. The time when, after a season of fortune and good luck, you really need your big players to, at least, do what they’re supposed to do and, if you're lucky, come up big. When that doesn't happen, whether by injury or just plain under performance, you want to kick an elderly man in the groin. Unfortunately for many owners who made Rodgers the centerpiece of their team, drafting him as the #1 overall QB maybe, they’re in a groin-kickin’ mood this week after his 46 yard, one pick performance on Sunday before leaving with his second concussion of the season. After Rodgers struggled through a slightly mediocre (for him) start to the season, he turned it on tremendously over the last 4 games (11 TDs, averaging over 300 yards) and had owners envisioning holding a gold, resin football trophy over their heads while no one doused them with spumante. Now, with word that he’s highly unlikely to get on the field against the Pats on Sunday, anyone lucky enough to still be playing this week, they'll be looking to their bench or, even worse, the waiver wire for a playoff miracle.
2. Cedric Benson, Running Back, Cincinnati Bengals;
Sometimes players fail at their first chance to star, then get their heads on straight, find another opportunity and then finally live up to their potential. And sometimes, they’re Cedric Benson. After being an absolute doozy of a bust with Chicago, Benson went away, supposedly got his head on straight and came back with avengeance last season piling up 1,250 yards and looking every bit the talented back he was supposed to be out of Texas. He came into this season a solid second 2nd round draft pick and someone people thought, if not spectacular, at least reliable. Not so. This year’s projected 850 yards, including an inexcusable 8 carries for 19 yards on Sunday, go a lot further to making the case that last year was the aberration, not his Chicago tenure. Quite simply, with only 2 100 yard games (but 5 games under 50 yards), 9 games without a score, he's a bust. Again. Maybe he’s always just kinda stunk, more like Curtis Enis then Fantasy Destroyer Thomas Jones. Nice try though.
3. Ryan Torain, Running Back, Washington Racist Nicknames That Don't Matter Because Nobody Gives Two Shits About the Indians;
Anyone who played a team with Ryan Torian starting, I’ll join you in saying “F Ryan Torain.” You should have expected it though. Just about every year a team sneaks into the playoffs on smoke and mirrors and then plugs in some random running back (last year is was Jerome Harrison) who carries them thought the playoffs. It’s not fair but as we all should admit at this point FANTASY FOOTBALL IS NOT FAIR. This year’s primary candidate looks like it might be Torain. He had a career high 172 yards on Sunday, including approximately 430 yards in the first half. Almost more important then Torain carrying some shit team in the playoffs is what could be his push to take over a starting job next year. Washington’s opening day starter, Clinton Portis, has been both awful and hurt, is getting old and shouldn’t be back next year. That eaves the door more than slightly ajar for Torain. Sure, Ol Stroke Face Shanahan isn’t known for his running back loyalty but his is known for excellent production from his run games and Torain’s three 100 yard games in his last 4 starts is making a case to at least get first crack in 2011.
4. Redundantly Redundance, Offense, Buffalo Bills;
After basketball on Sunday, one of our readers, The Nature Boy (woooooo!!!!), apparently confusing our writing on fantasy with some base of knowledge, asked our opinion on who his starting quarterback for his opening round playoff game should be. He’d been playing “quarterback roulette” the last few weeks and had to pick between Buffalo’s own Ryan Fitzpatrick, Matt Hasselbeck (it hurts just to write that name in connection with fantasy) and Alex Smith. We, of course, after harping on the Bills offensive output all year, said, without a doubt Fitzpatrick and under no circumstances Smith. Luckily for him, he completely ignored our advice, started Alex Smith and got the benefit of his 3 TDs. Apparently he was playing the opposite game with us. We stand by our choice from those 3 pretty assy options, we’d never start a guy who’d just missed 6 weeks and has a history of getting benched and the Bills offense continues to be randomly productive: Fitz threw a TD and Fred Jackson rumbled for 112 yards. (Stevie Johnson remains in his post-god-twitter funk, 5 for 42). You got lucky Nature Boy, now if you would please stop trying to knife edge chop us we'd like to move on.
5. Darren McFadden, Running Back, Oakland Raiders;
We love Run DMC. In fact, we’re willing to say right now that he should be a first round pick next season. Despite missing two games (injuries remain a concern but he’s been better this season), he’s 11th in total rushing yards (900+) and 5th in yards per game (90.3), and 2nd in total yards per game to Arian Foster among non-QBs (on pace for almost 1800 total yards), has a better average per carry then anyone in the Top 10 other then Jamaal Charles and has had only 2 truly bad games (back to back against Pittsburgh and Miami). On Sunday, he was an absolute force with 123 yards rushing, 86 yards receiving and 3 TDs. He’s a stud, get used to it and get him on your team next year if you can. This year is just a prequel (whichever the least shitty one was) - next year is Episode I.
6. Arian Foster, Running Back, Houston Texans;
Like we said earlier, this is the time you need your big guys to step up and nobody has stepped up this season like Arian Foster. We were highly skeptical after his 200 yard performance in Week 1 but he’s done nothing but make us a believer every single week this season. He has six 100 yard games, including 4 since week 8, indicating he’s not fading as the season wears on and defenses catch up with him (or try to at least). On Sunday, he put up yet another 100 yard game and proved he can perform even against the toughest of defenses. With a projected final line of 1600 yards, 66 receptions and 18 total touchdowns, we think we’re looking at a legitimate contender for next year’s #1 overall pick. Sure AD and CJ are great but unless Gary Kubiak is fired and replaced by Mike Leach, he very well could be the guy.
7. Brett Favre, Quarterback, Minnesota Vikings;
He's like a kid out there no longer. Since Favre hasn’t been fantasy relevant for most of the season, you can consider this one a Lifetime Achievement award for killing both owners and opponents intermittently for 19 straight seasons. On the week in which one of the most overrated streaks of all time ended (how many of those 297 times did Favre put himself and his desire to play over the team’s best interests by playing with an awful injury instead of letting one of his back-ups like Mark Brunell, Matt Hasselbeck or Aaron Rodgers – 3 Pro-Bowlers – play? He’s a tough guy, sure, but can we all move on now?) join us in saying sayonara to one of the most overrated quarterbacks of all time (First ballot HOF for sure, but not an all-time great on the level of Montana, Brady, Unitas, Elway, etc.) Adios Dongslinger, if nothing else, football will be a lot less interesting without your shenanigans and the media creaming over your every move (did you know he's a tough guy who wears wrangler jeans and plays with a childlike demeanor? Have you heard that?). Let's end with one more “He’s like a kid out there!!” for old time's sake. Yeah, that was fitting.
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