and also his shirt.
Ideas usually appear out of thin air as part of some "creative process" (or plagarism) and they’re almost always free. Sometimes, however, you can pinpoint the exact moment you had an idea and, sometimes, it costs you $105.
Absent some life-altering event (life-altering = me dead), I play basketball every Sunday morning. The game is played inside a guy’s house (yeah, that's right, inside his house, on an NBA-sized half court, full court 4-on-4 across, it doesn’t get any better) and starts at 9 a.m. Great group of guys and the games are really competitive since you really have to love to ball to get your ass up early on a Sunday morning to go run around. Needless to say, this is one of the highlights of my week and something I constantly look forward to.
The court is about 25 minutes from my house. I aim to leave early enough to have time to put on my ridiculous ankle braces and get a few shots up before the first game starts, but since I'm me, I never leave on time and am always in a hurry to get there on time. This Sunday was no different and when I fired up the Xterra at 8:35, I figured I'd be putting my ankles on at a red light and walking straight into the first game.
As I headed past the park near my house, drinking a bottle of water and listening to an acoustic version of some 15-year old Smashing Pumpkins song (Cherub Rock, anyone?), I absentmindedly thought about whether my shot would be falling and if my legs were sufficiently recovered from the P90X plyometrics workout and subsequent "dancing" I did at my littlest sister's wedding on Friday. Unfortunately, as I was lost such profound thoughts, I failed to notice that my speed was getting a little excessive and register that the car coming towards me that looked like an unmarked cop car might actually be one. Any doubt about that was swiftly eliminated when the car pulled a “Starsky & Hutch” turn across 4 lanes and came blasting up behind me with his lights on to pull me over. Who knew cops could radar you going the other way on a road? Not me.
Anyway, to make an unnecessarily long story shorter, the cop wasn't in a forgiving mood and gave me a nice speeding ticket with a fine of $105 and, of course, I was late for basketball. Seriously, though, who doesn't speed? As the cop left all I could wonder was if he enjoyed ruining my f’n day.
It wasn’t a total loss though since it gave me the inspiration for my first real ongoing column idea – “You Ruined My F’n Day” – a breakdown of all those players responsible ruining our Sundays (and Mondays and the occasional Thursday) by being fantasy failures. For that I say “Thank You” to my friend in blue (let’s call him Sgt. Alexander, as in Shaun, the ultimate fantasy ruiner circa 2006, the year he got his 8 year, $62m contract).
1. Devin Aromashodu, "WR"; Lovie Smith "Coach", Chicago Bears
I discussed last week how the Aromashodu/Knox battle to be Cutler's go-to guy was still too close to call and stuck with this dude for Week 2, expecting a solid follow-up to his 5 catch, 71 yard performance. Looking forward to getting a firsthand look at Aroma when the Bears played the Cowboys during the national Fox game, you can only imagine my disappointment when, despite watching almost the entire game, I didn’t witness a single catch by Aroma (Spoiler Alert - he didn't catch any) or even see him actually take the field. His impact was so non-existent that it earned the "Did Not Play or Did Not Accumulate Any Statistics" on the ESPN game log, despite actually being active. Our beloved Lovie said only that his absence was a "coach’s decision." No shit, Lovie. I thought he might have decided on his own he didn't want to play. Obviously, this isn’t a good development for a sleeper pick that many (including me) picked way too high in fantasy drafts. Still it’s probably too early to cut bait since none of the other Bear receivers really distinguished themselves. Maybe next week he responds to the coaching lesson with a big game. If not, cut his ass and don't let him ruin any more Sundays for you.
2. Michael Turner, RB, Atlanta Falcons
Let's say you get sucked into shopping at the outlet mall on Sunday afternoon. Jim Nantz is narrating your demise and you’re miserable. During a break in the action, you check your phone to see that the Falcons rolled the Cardinals, 41-7. You own Michael Turner and you’re ecstatic because with a score like that there is NO WAY he didn't have a big game, right? Right? You click on box score and - WFT!! - Jason Snelling, 24 carries, 129 yards and 2 TDs and Turner, 9 for 75, left with a groin injury. ALL THOSE YARDS AND TDS COULD HAVE BEEN YOURS!! You spent all day shopping, didn't see a game, yet it was Michael Turner who ruined your f'n day.
3. Tony Gonzalez, TE, Atlanta Falcons
In that same game, Tony G, the best TE of a generation, caught only 2 passes for a measly 19 yards (on 2 targets). That's bad, really bad, particularly in a game where his team scores 41 and his QB throws 3 TDS. You certainly expected more when you drafted him and in a game like that you’d think they’d throw him a bone at some point just to make him feel good. Apparently Matty Ice has no regard for people’s feelings. Since the team is clearly forcing the ball to Roddy White (12 targets) there might be a bunch of ruined days in the future for teams with the #7 drafted TE.
4. Thomas Jones, RB, Kansas City Chiefs
T.J. is the ultimate fantasy pillager; stealing stats from other seemingly more talented backs since 2005 when he pilfered the majority of the carries from prized rookie Cedric Benson (yes, Benson was at one time a prized rookie before he was a bust, got arrested for drunk boating and came back from the fantasy dead). This year the “Thomas Jones Slash and Burn Tour” comes to Kansas City to lay waste to hopes that Jamal Charles' would be this year’s Chris Johnson. TJ is doubling Charles’ carries at this point and I’m guessing he’s not the guy you started on Sunday.
5. Jason Garrett, OC, Dallas Cowboys
20 to 51. That's the ratio of run to pass plays called by offensive genius Jason Garrett on Sunday in a close game against the Bears. That’s like more than double. No matter whether you were in the MB III or Felix Jones (new bulkier version) camp, everyone was wrong. Day = ruined.
6. Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee Titans
As a Chris Johnson owner you've come to expect certain things from your stud. The bar is significantly higher for him than other guys and after 12 straight games; 100 yards became one of them. On the CJ scale, a 34 yard performance just won't do. We know that everybody has a bad game here and there but with the investment you have to make to get Johnson on your team (#1 pick or big auction $$) you need him to have a big game to win. Thus, for once, after many happy returns CJ ruined someone’s day.
As a Chris Johnson owner you've come to expect certain things from your stud. The bar is significantly higher for him than other guys and after 12 straight games; 100 yards became one of them. On the CJ scale, a 34 yard performance just won't do. We know that everybody has a bad game here and there but with the investment you have to make to get Johnson on your team (#1 pick or big auction $$) you need him to have a big game to win. Thus, for once, after many happy returns CJ ruined someone’s day.
While we are at it, let's just indict the entire game...
7. Pittsburg Steelers v. Tennessee Titans, Ugliness
Boy was this one ugly, more like trench warfare then a football game. The fantasy casualties were numerous - Hines Ward - 1 catch, 9 yards, Mike Wallace - 2 catches, 25 yards, Mendenhall held to 69 yards rushing on 23 carries, Vince Young - 66 yards passing, 2 picks, 1 fumble, benched. This one ruined the day of anyone who might have been forced to watch.
8. Brett Favre, QB, Minnesota Vikings
When the announcers discuss how your team had to spend extra time after your first game trying to get your QB familiar with your receivers that’s not a good thing. Isn’t that what training camp is for Brett? Guess the Saints and Fins are a tick better than East Bumble High’s second stringers, huh? Favre was just awful, 225 yards, 3 picks, fumble in the end zone. The Gunslinger still looks like a kid out there, expect this time he resembles a third-grader with low reading scores.
8. Brett Favre, QB, Minnesota Vikings
When the announcers discuss how your team had to spend extra time after your first game trying to get your QB familiar with your receivers that’s not a good thing. Isn’t that what training camp is for Brett? Guess the Saints and Fins are a tick better than East Bumble High’s second stringers, huh? Favre was just awful, 225 yards, 3 picks, fumble in the end zone. The Gunslinger still looks like a kid out there, expect this time he resembles a third-grader with low reading scores.
9. Mike Sims-Walker, WR, Jacksonville Jaguars
Last week’s line: 0. This week: 10 catches, 105 yards, 1 TD … on everyone's benches. FU MSW.
10. Brandon Jacobs, RB, New York Giants
Oh the Man-Child, so much less man then child at this point. Despite saying last week that Bradshaw was the man in the Giants backfield, Jacobs could have still be a viable flex option, particularly in TD-heavy leagues, against the porous Indy D. Instead, his helmet has reached the stands more times than the end zone. He’s dead to us.
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