Stupid Commenter Beatdown - Student Commits Suicide After Being Caught in the Act, Public Caught Reacting Stupidly

This is a really, terribly sad story. A freshman at Rutgers apparently committed suicide by jumping off the G.W. Bridge after his roommate and another girl posted a live stream of him engaging in sexual relations with a fellow male student. There's really only one way to react to this one if you are a commenter, you can pretty much just say its a tragedy and the perpetrators should be punished, right? Of course, that's not what happens in NJ.com and, despite the awfulness of the story, it's our job to point that out.

First, some tid-bits from the story:

[The] Freshman ... asked his roommate if he could have the dorm room to himself on a Sunday evening ... The roommate ... agreed and went down the hall to friend’s room ... There, he remotely turned on a webcam and — either deliberately or accidentally — watched Clementi in a sexual encounter with another man over the internet.

Seriously, is there any question about if this was deliberate? If it's accidental, what's your first response, turn off the computer or ....

"Roommate asked for the room till midnight. I went into molly’s room and turned on my webcam. I saw him making out with a dude. Yay," [The Roomate] wrote in a Sept. 19 post on his Twitter page.

Post about it on twitter, either accidentally or deliberately. "Oops, I just accidental transmitted less than 140 characters outing my roommate. Yay." Everyone is entitled to make a mistake, right? We're sure it was just a one time thing.

Two days later, police said [the Roomate] tried to use the webcam again to catch his roommate in a sex scene. This time [the Roomate] failed, but he told all 148 followers on his Twitter account when to log on to a live video chat to watch.

Or not. Deliberate is probably a given at this point. How does a ass like this get 148 followers of anything and we only have 2 (love you guys!!)?

On to the comments:

awaynhappy September 30, 2010 at 6:32AM
[A]re you referring to the 2 individuals that videotaped the incident and was seen by a few people, or the media for making it front page news and reprinted worldwide. At one point, the media showed class and respect, especially with respect to a suicide. Now, the headlines scream "STUDENT COMMITS SUICIDE AFTER GAY SEXUAL ENCOUNTER". Oh, btw, the newspapers are going bankrupt. Wonder why.

Apparently in the modern-age, the 6th Stage of Grief is "Blame the Media." Surely the Star Ledger is more culpable then the kids who tried to broadcast this poor guy's sex life to 148 other cretins. Particularly when the stories didn't come out until AFTER HE JUMPED OFF THE BRIDGE. Perhaps, Awaynhappy needs a lesson in "cause and effect." FWIW, the headline for the article doesn't even mention the gay angle anyway - "Rutgers freshman, commits suicide after secret broadcast of sex encounter."

dirndl September 29, 2010 at 8:49PM
the world has been robbed of a talented violinist, a pharmacist, and a computer expert through a thoughtless, immature, and cruel action. i will mourn the violinist.
After having to go to multiple Rite Aids to get our prescription filled the other day, we'll also mourn the loss of a pharmacist. The computer expert? Fuck him.

Of course, if you're going to blame someone (other then the media and the responsible parties), blame the bridge.

sentinial911 September 29, 2010 at 11:21PM
The G.W.B has a history of people with sex problems these days that have jump to their deaths this year. Why is there not a safety fence high enough on that bridge to stop a person from just jumping off of it. It is a open invitation to jump off, because it is so easy to do. The port authority police have failed again to stop a person from jumping off the G.W.B. Their security cameras are useless.

First of all, if you're going to complain about something, pick a time-frame - "a history", "these days", "this year" - which is it. Either way, to stem the rash of bridge-jumping suicides, we should focus on fence height, not counseling or tolerance or anything else. It's all about fence height. If we had 110 foot fences there would be no suicides at all. Start building port authority, stat.

Finally, one comment that really sums things up.

NJDaddy September 29, 2010 at 11:56PM
The lack of respect demonstrated by the two is sadly only a reflection of our society at large. All you need do is look at the news and comments on NJ.com each day to see how there is lack of civility in our culture. Children reflect the example of their parents, teachers, celebrities and political leaders.

Amen, brother. Let’s just hope they keep it up.

Fantasy Football - You Ruined My F'n Day - Week 3

Eli's decision-making has been questionable .

No speeding tickets last week which means the only real agony we suffered this week came during the Giants’ implosion against the Titans. Most football fans would probably agree that Sunday afternoons in the fall and winter are the best part of the week. Except, like this Sunday, when your team is unconscionably horrible.

We don’t mean they just stunk or lost a close game. We’re talking outgaining your opponent by 200 yards but still losing by 19 … at home. We’re talking watching your team move the ball up and down the field only to turn the ball over at the goal line when a right-handed QB throws a LEFT-HANDED interception. We’re talking adding in another pick and fumble for good measure. We’re talking watching the a WR who went to your very local alma mater but was inexplicably passed up by your very local team in the draft make an outstanding touchdown grab while the guy your team drafted dropped at least 2 easy passes (ok maybe that’s not quite fair but we’re entitled to our feelings AND YOU CAN’T TELL US THEY’RE WRONG). The only thing that saved this Sunday from being a complete washout was a killer sub (turkey, swiss, mayo, salt, pepper and pickles – no lettuce, keep your veggies off my damn sandwich, with chips crunched on the sandwich. So good).

So our Sunday was very much ruined by the New York Football Giants. Who were the other runiers? Let’s see:

1. Devin Aromashodu, WR, Chicago Bears;

Where the hell art thou Aromashodu? In the doghouse apparently. Aroma followed up last week’s “performance” (0) with a big fat inactive. Yep, he was a healthy scratch. What’s more disappointing then having wasted a pick on this guy is that we had just memorized how to spell his damn name. Anyone know where who we can speak to about getting that time back? Cut his ass if you haven’t already.

2. Michael Crabtree, WR, San Francisco 49ers;

Old Mr. Crabbytree. Sitting on his front porch on his front porch in his rocking chair yelling at the kids to stay out of his chrysanthemums no time to catch footballs. Wait, you mean to tell me he’s been playing football this year? Looking at him numbers he might as well be an 80 year old man. San Fran’s offense as a whole hasn’t been able to get going (leading to the first coordinator firing of the year this week). Only Gore has been reasonably productive including Week 3 team highs in receptions (9), yards (102) and targets (13!!) while Vernon Davis hasn't yet caught a touchdown (after 13 last season) or topped 100 yards receiving, Crabtree has been the biggest disappointment. In fact, this week's putrid 3 for 37 actually marked season highs in both categories. He was drafted in the 5th round to be a starter on most teams and he’s killing owners right now. Btw, Crabtree's stats for the season (6 catches, 81 yards, 0 TDs) don't even stack up against the reach-to-end-all-draft-reaches Darrius Heyward-Bey (10, 140, 0 TDs). Maybe the new coordinator will turn things around or maybe it’s just a slow start but for those of us who drafted Crabtree expecting a breakout year, that's enough to ruin your day.
On a side note, am I the only one who has trouble spelling "Francisco" consistently? I can never get the C's and S's right and I spelled it wrong both times I used it here. Maybe I’m just retarded.

3. Jahvid Best, RB, Detroit Lions;

If you plotted Best's performance the last two weeks, it would probably look a lot like the Dow Jones from October 28 to October 29, 1929 (a Stock Market Crash joke, how timely!!). Best set the fantasy world aflame last week with 232 total yards and 3 TDs leading some owners to proclaim him better than their opponent’s entire teams. This week, not so much: 39 total yards, 0 TDs. Honestly though, this is pretty much what we should expect from rookies; they’re inconsistent and that's generally why you don't draft them too high. Best has the talent to be a real fantasy stud at some point in his career but if you own him this year you’d better be prepared for the bumps. Still, after last week we’d guess that you let those expectations get a little too high and Best ruined your day just a little.

4. Pierre Thomas & Marques Colston, RB & WR, New Orleans Saints;

Remember when the Saints offense was unstoppable (32 ppg in 2009)? Remember when Marques Colston caught 168 passes in his first two seasons? Remember when Pierre Thomas was really good? Trick question - that last one never happened. We think it’s time to readjust our expectations on these two. Colston was an early career stud, topping out with 98 catches and 11 touchdowns in 2007 but since then he's has seasons of 47 (11 games) and 70 catches and barely broke 1,000 last year (he did, however, have 9 touchdowns). He's just not a top tier receiver and in this offense Brees is too good at spreading the ball around (8 receivers caught passes on Sunday, 5 caught more than 3) for one guy to truly dominate.

The same goes for Thomas. We’ve never quite gotten the Pierre Thomas love (he went early 4th round in most drafts) as he’s always split touches, first with Reggie Bush and Mike Bell and now with Chris Ivory (from Tiffin University - Go Dragons!!) and has never had more than 1,000 yards or double digit TDs or even shown he can handle more than 150 carries (career high 147 last year). To top it off, he's not even French. It's time to take a step back and reevaluate our fantasy relationship with Pierre.

5. Cadillac Williams, RB, Tampa Bay Buccaneers;

After such a promising start, Caddy runs more like an electric bicycle at this point in his career. Everyone knows this, so expectations are relatively low. Still, now that fantasy has become a passing game, a few owners probably loaded up on WRs early in drafts and hoped to depend on lesser backs like Williams to get them a consistent 50-70 yards and the occasional TD on the strength of their stranglehold on carries. Caddy had done just that the first two weeks of the season but his production came to a screeching halt this week with an abominable 6 for 13. At least you can chalk it up to one bad week against a great Steelers defense, right? Maybe not, now comes word out of Tampa that the Bucs intend to use the bye week to incorporate LeGarrette “Extraneous Letters” Blount into the offense (yeah, this guy - http://www.blogger.com/www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGTYiCqzpcw), thereby reducing Caddy’s load and likely his production. That moves Caddy from the serviceable category to barely rosterable. As least we can safely say it was vaguely fun while it lasted.

6. DeAngelo Williams, RB, Carolina Panthers;

Where do we start with this guy? We’ve consistently avoided drafting, trading for, or even considering putting him on our teams the last several years figuring that eventually splitting carries with Jonathan Stewart would derail his production. Yet, he’s defied our expectations every time. This year we finally started to come around and, at least for right now, he’s defying our expectations again. You drafted this guy to be your #1 back and averaging 50-somehting yards a game just ain’t cutting it. The Panthers look bad and with a rookie QB there’s little to fear in their passing game. You, however, should be afraid (very afraid) that you might have found yourself a bust. At least you can feel better knowing someone else if suffering with Jonathan Stewart right now as well.

7. Carson Palmer, QB, Cincinnati Bengals;

Can we all agree that Carson Palmer sucks now? Sure he was a #1 pick and sure he had a few good years but, he’s gotten progressively worse since he threw 32 TDs in 2005 and last year he was terribly average. This year, after throwing for more than 300 yards in extended garbage time against the Pats in week 1, he hasn’t thrown 1 TD, 2 picks and averaged less than 200 yards passing while completing less than 50% of his passes. This is happening even with all the presumed weapons he has at his disposal on offense (Benson, Ocho, TO, Gresham & Shipley). No more excuses Carson, your production just doesn’t live up to your name. Don’t have your days ruined by a name.

8. Miles Austin, WR, Dallas Cowboys;

It would have brought us nothing but joy to declare the entire Cowboys team a disappointment had they dropped to 0-3 with a loss to the Texans. Alas, it was not to be. The offense finally found some balance behind MBIII’s strong running and Roy Williams pretending he was back with the Longhorns (has anyone gotten less out of more than Roy Williams without completely washing out of the league?). In the (hopefully temporary) euphoria of balance and winning, Miles Austin disappeared catching only 2 passes and being targeted only 3 times. After back-to-back 10 catch, 140 yard performances this is probably an aberration but for one Sunday, it’s nice to say that Miles Austin ruined somebody’s day.

9. Perrish Cox, CB, Denver Broncos;

Reggie Wayne – 4 catches, 65 yards. Austin Collie – 12 catches, 171 yards, 2 TDs. Why the huge disparity? Did 2002 Marvin Harrison take Collie’s spot after shooting him with a rare, vintage gun? Nope. Wayne was covered by Champ Bailey and Collie was covered by Cox (not that there’s anything wrong with that). At this point we all know that Peyton isn’t going to force anything so he took what the defense gave him – a wide open Mormon all day long. All the Reggie Wayne owners sat around Sunday wanting to strangle Cox or at least get him to switch up once in awhile.

10. Groin, Steven Jackson, RB, St. Louis Rams;

We’ve written 3 columns and made a groin reference in each one. Perhaps we have some sort of groin fascination. Either way, much like last week with Michael Turner, Steven Jackson left a plum line sitting on the table when he left after gashing the Redskins for 58 yards on 10 carriers. Everyone knows that sinking feeling they get when the CBS ticker goes by 3 times and your guys stats haven’t changed at all. Jackson just sat there on 58 yards until it they finally told us his return was “questionable”, immediately downgrading our fantasy prospects to “doubtful.” Jackson is a great back but with this team his opportunities for truly big games are rare which makes it just that much worse. Jackson sits squarely in the group of guys like Frank Gore who are not good enough to instill weekly confidence but too good to trade for someone other than CJ, Peterson, Rice, etc. We call it “The Fantasy Deadzone.”

11. DeJeremy Maclin-Jackson, WRs, Philadelphia Eagles;

We’re going to go on the record in saying that unless you’re dealing with the 1999 Rams, no one should be rewarded for starting two receivers from the same damn team, particularly to the tune of 9 catches, 236 yards and 3 TDs. In PPR leagues that’s like 60 points. F U.

Guys to Pick-up

This week we adding a new, unoriginal feature entitled fittingly “Pick Me Up”

Tony Moeaki, TE, Kansas City Chiefs
Dustin Keller, TE, New York Jets
Aaron Hernandez, TE, New England Patriots

It’s a TE triple play. With bye weeks starting, fill-in TEs are important. Since the Jets opened up their offense, Kellar has been phenomenal (13 catches, 213 yards, 3 TDs in two games) and looks to be the Sanchize’s favorite target. If he’s still available unless you have an elite guy, get him now before it’s too late.

Moeaki and Hernandez have made quick impressions as rookies. Moeaki has been one of the surprise receiving weapons of the surprise Chiefs catching 2 TDs in the first 3 games. Hernandez had caught more passes for more yards just without the TDs. If you need a guy, you could do far worse than these two.

Peyton Hillis, RB, Cleveland Browns;

144 yards rushing and a TD against the Ravens is really all anybody needs to see to make this guy deserving of a roster spot. Cleveland seems to like him more than preseason semi-darling Jerome Harrison so why shouldn’t you?

Kyle Orton, QB, Denver Broncos;

We’re not saying make Orton your starter (unless, of course, you were depending on someone like Favre or Kolb, oops) but as a fill-in he’s as good as it gets. His low yardage total this year is 295 and he’s thrown a TD in each one of his games. Terrell Davis is not walking through that door; Denver is a passing team so ride Orton while he’s hot.

Brandon Lloyd, WR, Denver Broncos;

We don’t want to like Brandon Lloyd and judging by his career path, he doesn’t make it easy to like him anyway. Still, his numbers can’t be totally overlooked. He’s broken 100 yards twice and, as we said for Orton, he plays in a passing offense. Take a chance on Orton’s top target.

Marshawn Lynch, RB, Buffalo Bills;

We’re buying Lynch for one reason and one reason only – the hope that some other team will buy him (via trade). Lynch is clearly not long for Buffalo and it appears that his two straight starts are intended as some sort of showcase for other teams. If someone like Green Bay decides they need to strengthen their run game, Lynch is talented enough to shine. It’s speculative but when dealing with free agents, isn’t it always?

Real Football - The Vick Question

"I swear, he never meant anything to me,

you were always the one Mike"

We all have perceptions about a player’s value; what he does and doesn’t do well and how his team performs when he plays. Perhaps the biggest sports story this week was the decision by the Philadelphia Eagles to name Michael “The Dogkiller” Vick their starting quarterback for the remainder of the season. A decision that left fans either scratching their heads or jumping for joy. What’s the proper reaction? We’ll get to that in a second.

First, beyond the obvious Vick-centric drama, Andy Reid’s choice is so polarizing because it goes completely against expectations. It seemed like not 10 minutes after they traded the best quarterback in franchise history, Donovan McNabb (to the division rival Washington Redskins, no less), the Eagles handed Kolb an extension and the starting nod. In so doing, Reid appeared to be betting his Philadelphia career on Kolb’s success. Add in Reid’s reputation for being one of the more stubborn coaches in the league and we weren’t at all surprised when Reid voiced his intention to stick with Kolb upon his return from injury, despite Vick’s impressive performance.
Reid, of course, showed he was too stubborn to even listen to himself (he led the charge of Eagle propaganda touting Kolb’s virtues during the offseason) and decided that he only needed to witness a single game against the Lions to know that Vick had surpassed Kolb. The lesson – trust Andy Reid’s QB commitments like you would his commitment to physical fitness (remember he also swore – cross his heart and hope to die – up until the day McNabb was unceremoniously dumped that he was his quarterback).

Now, on to what the proper reaction to all this is. The only way to answer that is to figure out what we can reasonably expect from Vick. That takes us back to perceptions of value. So, what comes to mind when you think of Mike Vick?

Hypothetical Person Invented For the Purposes of This Fictional Exchange: Dog killer?
Us: Of course, but what else?
HPIFPTFE: Ron Mexico?
Us: Funny, but not what we had in mind.
HPIFPTFE: Canine murderer?
Us: On the field, we’re talking about on the field.
HPIFPTFE: Are you sure it’s not dog killer? Cause I keep thinking dog killer.

Fine, let’s just all agree that Vick is a dog killer and a really shitty human being and nobody likes him (except for maybe cats). With that said, we don’t have to like him make an objective assessment of his performance on the field. When we think of Vick, we think of a dynamic athlete playing QB who, despite not having good passing numbers (completion %, passing touchdown), wins games for his team due to his rare athletic gifts. Since QBs are the most important players on the field and can exert so much influence on team performance, it makes sense to value wins above other stats. How does this perception compare with reality? Pretty well actually.

From 2002-2005, Vick played 4 full seasons as the Falcons starter (he started only 4 games in 2003 due to injury, playing well in his late year return) so we’ll use those seasons (stats courtesy of http://www.pro-football-reference.com/).

Year - Completion % - Passing Touchdowns (Total)/Interceptions - Record
2002 - 54.9% - 16/8 - 8-6-1
2004 - 56.4% - 14/12 - 11-4
2005 - 55.3% - 15/13 - 8-7
2006 - 52.6% - 20/13 - 7-9

The numbers seem to bear out our assessment that Vick has not been a historically good passer (his advance stats, which we don’t completely understand, also show him to be average or below average in most categories). His 54% completion percentage is well below average and his career 1.5:1 TD to INT ratio is far from special.

But he’s a winner, right, so those numbers don’t matter as much. Kinda. His career winning percentage is 57%. That’s not quite as high as we would have thought it would be. Compared to some of the big QBs in the league - Manning (68%), Brady (76%), Brees (56% overall, 60% with the Saints), Rivers (66%), Rodgers (53%), Roethlisberger (70%) – it’s clear that he’s not elite in that category. That he doesn’t match up with Manning or Brady is no surprise but he also lags behind Big Rapey Ben and Pissy Rivers. Rodgers has only started 2 seasons so his numbers might be invalid for this comparison and while we’re not exactly sure what to make of the similarity to Brees; we doubt anyone questions his credentials. So as a winner, Vick probably doesn’t belong in this group either. But, judging by Andy Reid’s glassy eyed, love-infused statements about Vick this week you have to doubt he thinks of Vick being anywhere below this level.

In fact, averaged out over a full season, his teams should go about 9-7. Not that impressive. If you’re the Eagles, would you feel good about crushing the confidence of your presumed franchise QB for a chance to go 9-7? No, no you wouldn't.

Is it possible that Vick has improved since we last saw him? Sure it is, but how much is reasonable? Vick’s performance this year has been pretty spectacular (if you can call anything that happened against the Lions spectacular) but his passing performance has been well above historical levels. To date, he’s completed 64% of his passes with 3 TDs and no picks. That’s a full 10% above his career average (and 8% above his career high). We have a hard time believing that two years away from football, a stint in jail, and a little coaching were all Vick needed to suddenly become a more accurate passer. Sure, if you have a QB who completes 2/3 of his passes and runs like Vick, he’s without a doubt a top 10 guy and we’re not sure there are more than 6 teams who wouldn’t take him. If Vick becomes that guy, Andy Reid is an absolute genius.

Still, we think it’s much more likely that Vick’s completion percentage returns to the low 50s and the Eagles become an average to slightly above-average team without much upside since Vick is unlikely to blossom as a passer at this point in his career and without such a change he’s not a championship-level QB. Because of this decision it’s unlikely that Kolb ever develops into one in an Eagle uniform either.

You can go back to scratching your heads now.

Things We Hate - Train Blech

Despite our general, potentially-inaccurate feeling that we’re nice, laid-back people, we really hate a lot of stuff. Sure, most of the things that annoy us have no real bearing on our lives and probably don’t even register with normal people but that’s not going to stop us from trying to make a regular feature out of it. As we always say, if people don’t care, write about it. Hasn’t failed us yet.

Today's subject of our scorn, the band Train's two "hit" songs, "Hey Soul Sister" and "If It's Love." It’s not like they’re not catchy tunes, in fact, while writing "If It's Love" is running through our heads, making us want to go smack a kitten. It’s not even that Train is that bad in general - we remember "Meet Virginia" and "Drops of Jupiter" being vaguely decent – it’s just the ridiculousness of these two damn songs that infuriates us. Listen to both of the new songs back-to-back (if you do we are not responsible for the safety of any nearby objects or people) it should be apparent that Pat Monahan (the lead singer and primary song writer) has taken his affinity for stringing together clichés and other trite phrases to another painful level. It should also come as no surprise that (according to the infallible Wikipedia) the two songs were written together (with the help of a pair of Norwegians, ABBA was not available).

"Hey Soul Sister" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sD0b1S7QRkQ)

This is probably the less hateable of the two songs so we’ll get it out of the way first. “Hey Soul Sister” came from Monahan’s imagining what it would be like to be at "Burning Man," the Black Rock Desert festival which is billed as an “experiment in community, radical self-expression, and radical self-reliance" potentially able to change an attendees worldview and marked by the burning of a huge wooden effigy. There is nothing radical about this song and the only way it changed our worldview was to makes us hate the world even more. On to the lyrics:

Hey, hey, hey

Translation: “I have no idea how to start the song.”

Hey soul sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know! Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight

This is the chorus so we're treated to it over and over (and over) again. And it sucks. It sucks on every level but what galls us the most is the damn Mister Mister reference. What possesses someone to include a shout-out to Mister Mister in a serious manner? Was Monahan sitting there thinking about “Burning Man” and thought of half-naked people dancing around a huge fire listening to "Broken Wings?"

You gave my life direction, a game show love connection we can't deny
Boy that's sweet, comparing your love to "The Bachelor." That’s a love built to last.
I'm so obsessed, my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest

Umm … untrimmed chest … ew.

You're so gangsta, I'm so thug, you're the only one I'm dreaming of

This one tops them all. Really Train, you're so thug? Every time we hear this one we get uncontrollable douche chills. Is anyone confusing these guys with Tupac?

Hey, hey,hey … Hey, hey,hey

Translation: “I can't think of a way to end the song either.”

Tonight.

So poignant. No we know why is went quadruple platinum.

"If It's Love" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ru8aDR5uAbM) (with lyrics! - YouTube people are so enterprising)

This song is supposed to be a “thank you” to long time fans. That’s like the Giants thanking their fans by having the team defecate on the 50-yard line. Thanks for nothing suckers!!

There isn’t one original thought or phrase in the whole damn song. You’d think at least one would happen by accident. It’s just one cliché after another, strung together only because they kinda rhyme. Sure, most songs recycle the same sentiments and ideas (there are only so many in the universe) but at least not everyone is so damn blatant about it, at least they appear to be trying. Train just gave up and threw the following crap together. Fire up the “Cliché Counter” (a word to the English police, we’re using “cliché” to refer generally to trite, meaningless and overused phrases, don’t get too technical on us). Here we go:

While everybody else is getting out of bed
I'm usually getting in it
I'm not in it to win it
And there's a thousand ways you can skin it

#1 – “Rock stars stay up really late.” Train is so rock and roll, they stay up really late. How late? They get into bed when us poor working folk are getting up and going to work. Badass.
#2 – Being “in it to win it.” Fair enough, but even if you’re not, maybe you should at least be in it to write something original.
#3 – Multiple ways to skin something. But it rhymes!!

My feet have been on the floor
Flat like an idle singer
Remember winger
I digress

No obvious cliché here, just a nod to 80s band Winger. With the Mister Mister thing from before, this is becoming an epifuckindemic. Is pandering to fans a crappy 80’s music Train’s business model? “I do remember Winger. Please take my money.”

But I'm afraid when I hear stories
About a husband and wife
There's no happy endings
No Henry Lee
But you are the greatest thing about me

#4 – There are no happy endings.
#5 – Someone you love being the best thing about you.

If it's love
And we decide that it's forever
No one else could do it better
If it's love
And we're two birds of a feather
Then the rest is just whenever
And if I'm addicted to loving you
And you're addicted to my love too
We can be them two birds of a feather
That flock together
Love, love
Got to have something to keep us together
Love, Love
That's enough for me

This is the chorus so it really lights up the Cliché Counter.
#6 – Birds of a Feather, of course, flock together. And so do shitty songs.
#7 – Being addicted to love. Robert Palmer wants his song back.
#8 – Love keeps two people together. So does Al Green.
#9 – You don’t need anything more than love. Add in The Beatles.

Took a loan on a house I own
Can't be a queen bee without a bee throne

Bee throne? That’s just stupid.

I wanna buy ya everything
Except cologne
'cause it's poison

Now we’re talking. Cologne is poison. At least this is a little social commentary on animal testing or something, right? Nope.
Monahan: “Have you ever been in an elevator with a lady who just got done perfuming? If you have, you won't wonder why I wrote it.”
No, we still wonder why.

We can travel to Spain where the rain falls
Mainly on the plain side and sing
'cause it is we can laugh we can sing
Have ten kids and give them everything
Hold our cell phones up in the air
And just be glad we made it here alive
On a spinning ball in the middle of space
I love you from your toes to your face

#10 – “The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.” “My Fair Lady” came out in 1956.
#11 – Holding cell phones in the air to celebrate – at least this one is new (and by new, we mean 10 years old)
#12 – Earth is a spinning ball in the middle of space. How profound.

You can move in
I won't ask where you've been
'cause everybody has a past
When we're older
We'll do it all over again

#13 – Loving someone and not caring about their past.

Final Cliché Count: 13. In a 3:59 minute song. Don’t think we could do that if we tried.

Stupid Commenter Beatdown - I Believe That Child Stars Are Our Future

Looks like Herbie's not the only one who's fully loaded

When we first started the Persnickety Project (or The Project if your down) our mission was to shed a dim light on the slew of dummies commenting online. To comment on comments, how meta of us. Anyway, due to various issues (mostly extreme laziness and the fact that our friend who will remain nameless - cough, Robyn, cough, cough - kidding of course, we had quit long before we found out Robyn had no sense of humor) the idea never quite took off. Now that we're facing unemployment, our extreme laziness has been trumped by extreme boredom. Thus, the return of "Stupid Commenter Beatdown" as part of our expanded subject-matter (Fantasy Football, how persnickety!)

Fortunately for us, our return happens to coincide with the (hopeful) return of one Lindsay Lohan to jail. Herbie would be so so disappointed in you, LiLo. The latest news, brought to us by Nj.com is that Blowhan:

[A]dmitted late Friday that she failed a drug test, must return to court Friday to face a judge and a possible 30-day jail sentence, People.com reports.

People.com, Your Most Trusted News Source. If only we could hear directly from her.

“Substance abuse is a disease, which unfortunately doesn’t go away over night,” Lohan tweeted late Friday ...

Oh thank goodness, a generation of Americans will be educated about addiction through Lindsay Lohans tweets. What I learned it that not only doesn't addiction go away over night, apparently, it doesn't go away after multiple rehab stints and a jail sentence. I'm curious to see what our esteemed NJ.com commentariat learned.

njtreker: In 4-5 years some poor child star is going to get caught
smoking pot or underage drinking and end up spending 3 or 6 months in jail
because of the antics of Lohan, Spears, Hilton, etc..........

You are so right, NJTreker, the main lesson from all this is that Lindsay Lohan is ruining Justin Beiber's shit. Someday that little mop-headed bastard is gonna get pinched for a little weed or something and end up serving hard time. Seriously though, I feel terrible for this hypothetical child star who breaks the law and ends up having to actually suffer some consequences, all because Lindsay Lohan blew like 45 chances to get clean and was finally send to jail after basically telling the system to go f itself. Tread carefully Bieber.

Fantasy Football - You Rinued My F'n Day - Week 2

Phil Collins is wondering what happened to Aromashodu ...

and also his shirt.

Ideas usually appear out of thin air as part of some "creative process" (or plagarism) and they’re almost always free. Sometimes, however, you can pinpoint the exact moment you had an idea and, sometimes, it costs you $105.

Absent some life-altering event (life-altering = me dead), I play basketball every Sunday morning. The game is played inside a guy’s house (yeah, that's right, inside his house, on an NBA-sized half court, full court 4-on-4 across, it doesn’t get any better) and starts at 9 a.m. Great group of guys and the games are really competitive since you really have to love to ball to get your ass up early on a Sunday morning to go run around. Needless to say, this is one of the highlights of my week and something I constantly look forward to.

The court is about 25 minutes from my house. I aim to leave early enough to have time to put on my ridiculous ankle braces and get a few shots up before the first game starts, but since I'm me, I never leave on time and am always in a hurry to get there on time. This Sunday was no different and when I fired up the Xterra at 8:35, I figured I'd be putting my ankles on at a red light and walking straight into the first game.

As I headed past the park near my house, drinking a bottle of water and listening to an acoustic version of some 15-year old Smashing Pumpkins song (Cherub Rock, anyone?), I absentmindedly thought about whether my shot would be falling and if my legs were sufficiently recovered from the P90X plyometrics workout and subsequent "dancing" I did at my littlest sister's wedding on Friday. Unfortunately, as I was lost such profound thoughts, I failed to notice that my speed was getting a little excessive and register that the car coming towards me that looked like an unmarked cop car might actually be one. Any doubt about that was swiftly eliminated when the car pulled a “Starsky & Hutch” turn across 4 lanes and came blasting up behind me with his lights on to pull me over. Who knew cops could radar you going the other way on a road? Not me.

Anyway, to make an unnecessarily long story shorter, the cop wasn't in a forgiving mood and gave me a nice speeding ticket with a fine of $105 and, of course, I was late for basketball. Seriously, though, who doesn't speed? As the cop left all I could wonder was if he enjoyed ruining my f’n day.

It wasn’t a total loss though since it gave me the inspiration for my first real ongoing column idea – “You Ruined My F’n Day” – a breakdown of all those players responsible ruining our Sundays (and Mondays and the occasional Thursday) by being fantasy failures. For that I say “Thank You” to my friend in blue (let’s call him Sgt. Alexander, as in Shaun, the ultimate fantasy ruiner circa 2006, the year he got his 8 year, $62m contract).

1. Devin Aromashodu, "WR"; Lovie Smith "Coach", Chicago Bears

I discussed last week how the Aromashodu/Knox battle to be Cutler's go-to guy was still too close to call and stuck with this dude for Week 2, expecting a solid follow-up to his 5 catch, 71 yard performance. Looking forward to getting a firsthand look at Aroma when the Bears played the Cowboys during the national Fox game, you can only imagine my disappointment when, despite watching almost the entire game, I didn’t witness a single catch by Aroma (Spoiler Alert - he didn't catch any) or even see him actually take the field. His impact was so non-existent that it earned the "Did Not Play or Did Not Accumulate Any Statistics" on the ESPN game log, despite actually being active. Our beloved Lovie said only that his absence was a "coach’s decision." No shit, Lovie. I thought he might have decided on his own he didn't want to play. Obviously, this isn’t a good development for a sleeper pick that many (including me) picked way too high in fantasy drafts. Still it’s probably too early to cut bait since none of the other Bear receivers really distinguished themselves. Maybe next week he responds to the coaching lesson with a big game. If not, cut his ass and don't let him ruin any more Sundays for you.

2. Michael Turner, RB, Atlanta Falcons

Let's say you get sucked into shopping at the outlet mall on Sunday afternoon. Jim Nantz is narrating your demise and you’re miserable. During a break in the action, you check your phone to see that the Falcons rolled the Cardinals, 41-7. You own Michael Turner and you’re ecstatic because with a score like that there is NO WAY he didn't have a big game, right? Right? You click on box score and - WFT!! - Jason Snelling, 24 carries, 129 yards and 2 TDs and Turner, 9 for 75, left with a groin injury. ALL THOSE YARDS AND TDS COULD HAVE BEEN YOURS!! You spent all day shopping, didn't see a game, yet it was Michael Turner who ruined your f'n day.

3. Tony Gonzalez, TE, Atlanta Falcons

In that same game, Tony G, the best TE of a generation, caught only 2 passes for a measly 19 yards (on 2 targets). That's bad, really bad, particularly in a game where his team scores 41 and his QB throws 3 TDS. You certainly expected more when you drafted him and in a game like that you’d think they’d throw him a bone at some point just to make him feel good. Apparently Matty Ice has no regard for people’s feelings. Since the team is clearly forcing the ball to Roddy White (12 targets) there might be a bunch of ruined days in the future for teams with the #7 drafted TE.

4. Thomas Jones, RB, Kansas City Chiefs

T.J. is the ultimate fantasy pillager; stealing stats from other seemingly more talented backs since 2005 when he pilfered the majority of the carries from prized rookie Cedric Benson (yes, Benson was at one time a prized rookie before he was a bust, got arrested for drunk boating and came back from the fantasy dead). This year the “Thomas Jones Slash and Burn Tour” comes to Kansas City to lay waste to hopes that Jamal Charles' would be this year’s Chris Johnson. TJ is doubling Charles’ carries at this point and I’m guessing he’s not the guy you started on Sunday.

5. Jason Garrett, OC, Dallas Cowboys

20 to 51. That's the ratio of run to pass plays called by offensive genius Jason Garrett on Sunday in a close game against the Bears. That’s like more than double. No matter whether you were in the MB III or Felix Jones (new bulkier version) camp, everyone was wrong. Day = ruined.

6. Chris Johnson, RB, Tennessee Titans

As a Chris Johnson owner you've come to expect certain things from your stud. The bar is significantly higher for him than other guys and after 12 straight games; 100 yards became one of them. On the CJ scale, a 34 yard performance just won't do. We know that everybody has a bad game here and there but with the investment you have to make to get Johnson on your team (#1 pick or big auction $$) you need him to have a big game to win. Thus, for once, after many happy returns CJ ruined someone’s day.

While we are at it, let's just indict the entire game...

7. Pittsburg Steelers v. Tennessee Titans, Ugliness

Boy was this one ugly, more like trench warfare then a football game. The fantasy casualties were numerous - Hines Ward - 1 catch, 9 yards, Mike Wallace - 2 catches, 25 yards, Mendenhall held to 69 yards rushing on 23 carries, Vince Young - 66 yards passing, 2 picks, 1 fumble, benched. This one ruined the day of anyone who might have been forced to watch.
8. Brett Favre, QB, Minnesota Vikings
When the announcers discuss how your team had to spend extra time after your first game trying to get your QB familiar with your receivers that’s not a good thing. Isn’t that what training camp is for Brett? Guess the Saints and Fins are a tick better than East Bumble High’s second stringers, huh? Favre was just awful, 225 yards, 3 picks, fumble in the end zone. The Gunslinger still looks like a kid out there, expect this time he resembles a third-grader with low reading scores.

9. Mike Sims-Walker, WR, Jacksonville Jaguars

Last week’s line: 0. This week: 10 catches, 105 yards, 1 TD … on everyone's benches. FU MSW.

10. Brandon Jacobs, RB, New York Giants

Oh the Man-Child, so much less man then child at this point. Despite saying last week that Bradshaw was the man in the Giants backfield, Jacobs could have still be a viable flex option, particularly in TD-heavy leagues, against the porous Indy D. Instead, his helmet has reached the stands more times than the end zone. He’s dead to us.

Fantasy Football - Things We Know After Week 1*

Do we need to get to know this guy?

1. Arian Foster is a god among mere mortals.

Arian Foster did his best Adrian Peterson/Chris Johnson impression (Adrian Fosterson? Maybe? Chrisian Johnster? Certainly not.) on Sunday by running roughshod over Superbowl-loser Indianapolis Colts to the tune of 231 yards and 3 TDs. The natural reaction to such a performance is for everyone to immediately become members of the Arian Nation, call him a top 10 back and start him through thick and thin. Should we? I'm not buying, yet.

Anyone who drafted him should certainly puff out their chests with pride and command us to bow to their fantasy knowledge but there is a reason he scored all those points from many a fantasy bench. That reason, of course, is that nobody (not even his team) trusted him and like any relationship, a fantasy player relationship is about trust, and one game does not a trusting relationship make. Sure he had a few nice games at the end of last season but he was undrafted (partly due to fumbling problems which have a tendency to linger, right Tiki?) and, more importantly, was supposed to be supplanted by Ben Tate (the Texans' second round draft pick) before he was lost for the year with an injury. I could be all wrong and sometimes all a guy needs in a opportunity but if I don't have him I'm not going to pay what it takes to get him and if I do, I'm seeing if somebody will overpay for him. Either way, I'm not betting my season on this dude.

2. It's an especially good year to own Peyton Manning.

To be clear, it's always a good year to own Peyton Manning. This year, however, has the potential to be special, a la Brady, Tom, circa 2007. Manning threw up a 40/57, 433 yard, 3 TD line against the Texans and with his defense looking putrid (Bob Sander is apparently out indefinitely - in other news the sun came up this morning and will set tonight) the Colts may be playing a bunch of shoot-outs this season. Add that to the fact that the Colts lack a consistent running game and Peyton stands to attempt a lot of passes and with a QB as good as Mr. Laser-Rocket Arm that's all you need to score more fantasy points. Finally, the Colts losing an early game to a division rival lessens the chances that they go 14-2 and Peyton screws you when you need him most, during the fantasy playoffs.

3. The rest of the Colts passing will be full of fun and excitement as well.

The natural off shoot of Manning having an excellent season is that his pass catchers will also benefit. In week 1 Reggie Wayne was his usually steady self (7 for 99, 1 TD) and Dallas Clark continued to be a PPR darling (11 for 80, 1 TD). Those guys are obvious fantasy must-starts, however, the real interesting thing about the Colts offense is the potential of the #2/3 WRs to have big games. Despite being a late round pick or perhaps going undrafted, Austin Collie - the Canadian from BYU - caught 11 for 163 while being targeted 12 times (second to Clark's 13). While his numbers were probably, at least in part a function of the Texans' attempts to take away Wayne (and to a lesser extent Clark) Week 1 could provide a nice blueprint for fantasy owners - you can always trust Wayne and Clark but if you lack great depth guys like Collie (think Stokely 2004 - 68, 1077, 10 TDs) and Garcon always have the potential to break out and win you a week here or there.

4. Forte will Fluctuate.

The Bears unveiled the new Mike Martz offense that fantasy football players have been waiting to see all off-season. We all know the drill, Martz will throw and throw and throw, his QB will get 4k yards and one of his receivers will be a stud (as long as we all pretend that San Francisco didn't happen). Week 1 was no exception, Cutler threw for big yards, Aromashodu and Knox were useful (Aroma led in targets 10 to 7 but Knox had a ton of preseason hype so its still too close to call). The big news was, of course, Matt Forte who hauled in 7 catches for 151 yards and 2 TDs for huge fantasy points despite pedestrian rushing output (14 for 50). With the exception of the great Marshall Faulk, Matz's scheme doesn't tend to produce great rushing numbers so we are left to wonder whether Forte can be a trusted every game starter in this system. For now, I say know. First off, we can all agree that there's no way he's going to replicate his performance on a weekly basis. Additionally, with running backs I tend to rely on the guys who put up rushing numbers and take the receiving yards as a bonus. Because backs usually serve as outlets on short passes their production is uneven in that category - a short swing pass can be either a 2 yard gain or, with a missed tackle, a 72 yard TD. That's not something I want to rely on. I think Forte's final stats are in line with his career average of 60 receptions and as the Bears play better teams and inevitably stink, they'll be forced to throw the ball even more, lessening Forte's running opportunities and making his week-to-week production volatile.

5. The Pats are Back.

I was lucky enough to have the Pats on as the second early game this week (with the G-Men) and saw an absolute dismantling of a supposedly good Bengals team. Forget the final score (38-24) it wasn't even that close. Pats offense looked to be back near 2007 levels (Brady is now in year 2 of ACL recovery, normally the time when players are 100%) and, more surprisingly, the defense looked fast, aggressive and tough. Brady, Moss and Welker are studs but the other guys like Edelman (when healthy), Tate (when Edelman is not healthy), Fred Taylor and his bionic groin and the Pats D become viable members of line-ups this season.

6. Ahmad Bradshaw is the Giants go-to back.

If there were any doubts after the preseason and Brandon Jacobs' mini-tantrum, they were laid to rest on Sunday when Bradshaw got 20 carries to Jacobs' 12 despite getting off to a slow start (imagine what the distribution would have been had Bradshaw broke off a big early run), including one goal line touch, and continued to look sharper and faster. Bradshaw owners should be excited for their match-up with a Colts run defense that is eerily reminiscent of swiss cheese and Jacobs' backers should be looking to see if Fred Taylor is still available.

7. Fantasy Football is not fair.

Here is your otherwise noted, this one will never change, not week 2 and not ever. Fantasy football is fun, its interesting, its a cool way to hang out with your buddies but it is in no way fair. Somebody lost a game to a team they should have beat because Hakeem Nicks caught 3 TDs, Foster went nuts and Frank Gore got them 38 yards against the Seahawks (seriously Frank, against the friggin Seahawks? Really? Come On!!). It's always going to be that way and there's nothing you can do about it so enjoy the ride.

*Unless otherwise noted, the things we know are subject to change as soon as Week 2.