Cue "How to Save a Life" by The Fray. (Thank you music publishing companies for preventing me from embedding the video in my blog. Assholes.)
(Scene: Two people standing in an otherwise empty, semi-dark hospital hallway. Wearing scrubs with surgical masks hanging from their necks)
We changed a light today. We didn't think we could but we did. Yes, we were scared but we did it because it needed to be done. Things fell apart, we were holding it in our hands, wires sticking out everywhere and a threaded connector hopelessly dangling inside the fixture, it seemed impossible.
But we didn't quit, we didn't give up. Because we couldn't. We couldn't just let that light die there on the ground. We couldn't walk away and leave another thing in our life unfinished. A dangling reminder of our failures. So we went to the store and FOUND a replacement. And as we connected the wires and flipped the switch. We hoped. Hoped our efforts weren't wasted. And when that light came on. When it burned there brightly in the late day sun reminding of of what we can do, we felt alive. And it didn't matter how we did it or the mistakes we made. All that matter was that we did it.
We changed a light fixture today.
(Fade to black)
Speaking of people who don't do what they are trying to do well ...
1. Tim Tebow, Messiah/Well Below Average Quarterback, Denver Broncos;
To start this thing off with an overly bold and wholly unsupported statement, in the history of the NFL, there might not have been a guy playing for his job more than Tebow was against the Dolphins. Not only is he trying to prove himself to a coaching staff that doesn't have a vested interest in his success but a win would keep him 2 games clear of giving his team the easy way out. The question is, did he succeed?
Answering the later question is easy. In what is either a tribute to the awfulness or the unprecedented draw of the #1 pick, Denver's 2-4 record is only the 7th worst in the league. As for the former, Tebow won the game but was, for 58 minutes, generally awful. Still, he emerged as the hero!! (Or did he?) If you listen to ESPN's take on the game, you're left with the unavoidable (like literally unavoidable because they repeated it 7 million times) conclusion that Tebow succeeded only in proving both his critics (who say he can't throw) and his supports (who meaninglessly christen him a "winner"), 100% correct. But isn't that buying into the narrative a little too much? Doesn't framing the Tebow debate as one between stats and winning, give any thinking sports fan too little credit?
Tebow was bad on Sunday (enough that people were facebooking that Denver had "asked for it.") but he won. That doesn't make him awful. It doesn't make him a winner. It probably just makes him lucky. It's stunning to think that, even in an age where everything is instant, that we would feel comfortable passing judgment on a player after his 4th career start.
Tebow was 13 for 27, 161 yards, 2 TDs and 59 yards rushing A bunch of other highly thought of guys were just as bad, Matt Hasselbeck, Blaine Gabbert and Joe Flacco has less yards than Tebow and darlings like Matthew Stafford, Phillip Rivers and Tony Romo were only slightly better. We don't even have to mention Carson Palmer do we? He had a bad game in his 4th career start. Take a look at the 4th start numbers of a few quarterbacks who were either slow starters or play a similar style to Tebow.
Eli Manning - 4 for 18, 27 yards, 2 INTs. 0.0 passer rating.
Steve McNair - 6 for 17, 142 yards, 2 TDs and 38 yards rushing.
Mike Vick - 17 for 28, 166 yards, 1 TD and 56 yards rushing.
Steve Young - 14 for 25, 251 yards, 1 TD, 2 INTs and 49 yards rushing.
Vince Young - 7 for 15, 87 yards, 1 TD, and 44 yards rushing.
Donovan McNabb - 19 for 31, 157 yards, 2 TDs, 1 INT and 67 rushing yards.
With the exception of Vince Young (who's attitude was more of a problem then his talent), these guys have all turned out pretty well. It's not to say Tebow is going to be the next Steve Young but we should probably all take a step back and realize he's a work in progress and really needs a chance to develop. Interestingly, being a first round pick might be the best and worst thing to happen to him. Had he been a 4th round pick and played bad against Miami, we doubt he'd be treated so harshly. At the same time, the investment of that pick might be the only reason he's actually getting a shot. It takes a lot for unorthodox guys like Tebow to be given a chance.
It's not totally irrational. Most teams are built to accommodate a normal players and it's a scary proposition as a coach to put your career on the line and retool a system to fit a guy who you're not 100% sure can succeed. That's why guys like Tebow simply don't get the same chances that looks like they were built on Madden.
Nobody knows what will happen with Tebow. What we do know is that there is something about him that is special. The winner label is thrown around too frequently but there are players who, when the moment is biggest, are able to be better than the sum of their parts. Like Captain Planet (in that analogy Tebow's much-maligned Throwing motion is "Heart") We firmly believe there is a clutch gene. And even if he's ugly Tebow has that. Maybe his accuracy never gets there. Or maybe he's this generation's Steve McNair (minus the murder, hopefully). Ether way, if a player can succeed on hard work, self belief and the clutch gene, Tebow can. He use needs a fair chance.
Rating: 5 Halos.
2. The Andrew Luck Sweepstakes, Too Many Teams, National Football League;
So, yeah, this guy is pretty good. After several weeks of weak competition, the Cardinal stepped up in class to take on the sanctioned-but-dangerous USC Trojans and Luck answered the bell emphatically and did nothing to undermine his position as THE #1 overall player in college football. (And, well ahead of Matt Barkley, who plays John Mayer songs.) The best part of Luck's game last night wasn't so much the success he had (330 yards passing, 4 total touchdowns) but how he reacted to failure. With 3 minutes left in a tie game, Luck handed USC the lead with a pick six. Predictably, the camera stayed on Luck for get his reaction to a very rare and costly mistake and nobody would have been surprised if he stood there in shock. But he didn't. Instead of feeling sorry for himself or worse yelling at a teammate for his screw-up, you could see him seething, waiting desperately to get back in the game and get the score back. And he did, or course, leading Stanford down the field for the tie and ultimately winning the game in overtime. It's corny and cliche but it's real. Combine his physical talents and that type of competitiveness and we're sold.
Still, no matter how rightfully sold everyone is, this tanking thing is getting ridiculous. Part of the modern NFL's greatness is the "Any Given Sunday" adage but with almost of 3 of the league (9 teams) with two or less wins, a real underclass has developed this season. We use the term "tanking" only half-jokingly. There is no way the players on these teams have quit (through a combination or pride and non-guaranteed contracts - the ratio is yours to decide), but there may have been some organizational decisions to let things slide a little once they realized they didn't have a shot wining. It makes sense for them but leaves us with shitfests between Seattle and Cleveland (if you've heard of the game's leading receiver Chris Ogbonnaya, please die.).
How do we handicap the Suck for Luck?
Carolina (2-5): We've made no secret of our love for Cam and we expect his relative success for continue. He's had them in every game this season, so look for wins against Minnesota (home), Indianapolis (home) and Tennessee (road) and one more upset for get to 6 wins.
Jacksonville (2-5): The only thing Jacksonville does consistently is defy expectations. Just when you think they're awful they get the most random win of the year against Baltimore. 5 wins seems right with games against Indy, Cleveland and Tennessee remaining. Jacksonville: The Home of Mediocrity.
Denver (2-4): Tebowmania is worth at least 2 more wins and countless premature proclamations. Games against Minny, Oakland and K.C. are winnable. Add in another "Maybe it's time to reevaluate Tebow" upset and his job might be safe for another year.
Seattle (2-4): Ironically, their win in New York might both keep our Giants out of the playoffs and Seattle out of Luck. A few more years of Tavaris and Clipboard Jesus, should be too painful, right? This team is not good but a bad division and a real home field advantage (a favorite like Philly, Washington or Cincinnati will fall) should get them a win or three.
Arizona (1-5): Outside of Larry Fitzgerald, the Cardinals are pretty horrendous (their sudden downfall should be enough to get Warner into the Hall of Fame) but with home games against St. Louis, Cleveland and Seattle, they'll stumble into at least 3 wins and be good as stuck with Kolb. Wonder if Fitz is regretting his lobbying decisions this offseason yet?
St. Louis (0-6): If it weren't for Bradford's injuries, we'd have St. Louis higher. They're slide is almost inexplicable. With what was supposed to be an ascending young quarterback and a blossoming defense, St. Louis was going to contend, if not cruise, to a division title. They were supposed to be the Lions. Instead, a defensive collapse and an utter lack of playmakers has lead to the worst point differential in the league. Still, we refuse to believe everyone was this wrong. They have winnable games against Seattle, Arizona, Cincinnati, Cleveland plus a potentially meaningless game in week 17 against a resting San Fran. Look for 4 to 5 wins to close out the season on a positive note and reignite the hype for next year.
Minnesota (1-6): They can't get any worse can they? With the McNabb era over after 6 games, Christian Ponder (not to be confused with the Denver's Christian Messiah) should provide at least a short-term energy boost. Home games against Oakland and Denver look like potential wins but the remaining schedule is tough. Yes, the remaining teams are so bad that 3 or 4 wins might land the third pick.
Indianapolis (0-7): Indy is hands-down the worst team in the league right now. But they have the biggest potential boost of any team - Peyton Manning. He'll play and when he does they'll win. Peyton needs to prove to himself and the team that he can come back healthy and won't want to wait the entire off-season to do so. The clock is ticking for him and the more the team feels secure in his healthy, the more they'll remain committed to short-term contention and the better it will be for $18.
Miami (0-6): Miami is the perfect storm of awful - no quarterback, a mediocre defense, a lame duck coach and, worst of all, a star-fucker owner desperate for a big-name quarterback and coach. Look for Miami to do everything possible to make sure they land #1. Luck will enjoy throwing to all of Brandon Marshall's personalities next year and trying to live up to the standard of Dan Marino (at least he doesn't have to win a title to succeed!). If that happens, the Dolphins be doing flips and shit. And we will be riding.
Rating: 10 Laughing Faces.
3. Running Backs, Injury Prone; Your Team, of Course;
There is little less comforting than relying on an injury prone player. It only gets worse when they stay healthy juuust long enough for you to put your guard down and be reminded that the label is rarely unearned.
It seemed like Darren McFadden never played during his first two seasons. Between nagging injuries that kept him out of games (7 missed in his first two years) and limited him in most others, he looked like an epic bust. Then, last year happened. Finally (mostly) healthy, McFadden played in 13 games and finished 5th in the league in total yardage with 1664 total yards. Still, we've all been down that road before, oft-injured players who "finally" get healthy and put together one great season are the recipe for great frustration. After 6 weeks, McFadden lead the league in rushing and looked to be cementing his place as a top-level back. On Sunday, the injury problems struck again when a sprained foot limited him to 2 carries for 4 yards and deprived everyone of a plum match-up against the (formerly?) hapless Chefs. Michael Bush took over and managed to have an effective day (including 99 should-have-been-McFadden's yards) despite predictably horrific play from Kyle Boller (64 yards, 3 picks) and horrible play from Carson Palmer (another 3 picks). The bye week should help him get healthy but don't let your guard down just yet.
After his team gave him a vote of "no confidence" this offseason by drafting Ryan Williams in the 2nd round to replace him, Beanie Wells seemed too soft and too brittle to be a dominant back. But, after winning back his job be default after the trade of Tim Hightower and season-ending injury to Williams, Beanie Wells seemed to be responding with a season similar to Run DMC's 2010 campaign, sitting 4th in the league in yards per game, smashing defenders and finishing runs on a bad team with good weapons. Alas, after being bothered all week his a bum knee, Wells started on Sunday and after a solid 42 first half yards, left with a knee sprain and put his break-put campaign on hold and reminded us that he's an injury prone dude. The fact that he's active today gives owners hope they he's learned how to play through pain. Still, proceed with caution.
Rating: 20 Mad Faces.
4. Fantasy Satan, Head Coach, Washington Racist Against Native Americans Nickname;
Every year it happens. Fantasy Satan comes to us. At times it's during the draft. At other times its mid-season via the waiver wire. He offers us untold fantasy riches through no-name running backs and thousand yard seasons. And we, despite knowing better, willingly sign our name on the dotted line. And for weeks, sometimes months, we're rewarded. But eventually, he comes to collect. The player who was once a stud is now inexplicably sent to the bench and our fantasy soul is taken back to hell (Washington) with all the rest of us who continue to fall for Fantasy Satan's tricks. Will we ever learn?
No, we won't. Every season, with visions of Mike Anderson, Olandis Gary, Reuben Droughns and Tatum Bell dancing in our heads, we take the plunge on the player most likely to be Mike Shanahan's featured back in the draft. This year is was Tim Hightower (a man who has been accused of running with his eyes closed). And then, two, three, or six weeks into the season, that guy has a bad game/gets hurt/comments on Mike's weirdly colored face and is benched without notice and the new guy promptly runs for a hundred yards and a score. And we all sprint to put in our waiver claims. And repeat. Every year, we end up disappointed.
Can we all please agree to stop this madness and never trust Mike Shanahan again? We know the that it's oh so tempting when a starting running back is sitting there available to you but it always ends in despair. For all his reputation as a guru, do you know the last time a Shanahan coached team produced a 1,000 back (a rather low bar in the modern NFL) was 2006. That's three full seasons, two in Denver and one in D.C. where he failed to produce a consistent fantasy performer. It's time to move on.
Wait .... what's that? Hightower is out for the year? We'll be right back ....
Rating: 7 Mad Faces.
5. DeMarco Murray, Running Back, Dallas Cowboys;
Speaking of running backs, there were two big winners at the position this week. One was Arian Foster hitting the double bonus with 100+ rushing and receiving yards and looking every bit the player he was last year and the one we kept swearing he wasn't. Fuck him. The other big winner was the DeMarco Murray of the Cowboys and his 253 yards.
Unless you have the NFL Sunday ticket, your football watching experience consists of living and dying with the ticker. So 4 minutes into the late games when the ticker showed 1 carry, 91 yards, anyone who didn't have Murray was bummed. When that 91 turned into 250, everyone who didn't have Murray was screwed.
So, is Murray for real? Unfortunately.
First, just check out the top 10 single game rushing performances in league history.
Peterson - 296
Jamal Lewis - 295
Jerome Harrison - 286
Corey Dillon - 278
Payton - 275
Shaun Alexander - 266
Jamaal Charles - 259
Murray - 253
Mike Anderson - 251.
Not a lot of flukes on that list. Maybe he's the next Jerome Harrison but the 3rd round pick out of Oklahoma with all the tools (6', 213 and 4.3 speed) seems more likely to be like the other guys on the list. Looking back at his college career, it's easy to see how his numbers might have been artificially depressed by splitting time with Chris Brown (not the domestically violent one) and missing time with injuries. Now, with Tashard Choice cut and an easy match-up against Philly, Murray has the chance to lock-down the starting job with another big day before Felix Jones gets back healthy. Considering that in the 5 games Jones managed only 2 more yards than DeMarco put up on Sunday, that doesn't appear too difficult.
We can only wish bad things for the Cowboys-Eagles game tonight. Explosive shits, a bomb, ebola, it's all on the table. If someone has to win, we hope it's the Eagles. A two game division lead as long as the G-Men take care of business is better than putting Philly out of its misery. Plus, stringing along Birds' fans is always fun.
Rating: 10 Mad Faces. We don't have him and the Cowboys do.
6. Pissyface Rivers, Quarterback, San Diego Superchargers
Pop quiz hotshot - who was the #5 quarterback in average draft position? More pop quiz - who is the #17 quarterback in scoring through 7 weeks. If you guessed Phillip Rivers, you were correct. (Did we give that away?) Last year, Rivers he led the league in passing yards and yards per attempt and finished in the top 5 in touchdowns (30) and completion percentage. When you consider he accomplished all that while throwing to the likes of Malcom Floyd, Patrick Crayton, Legedu Naanee and only 10 games worth of Antonio Gates, the pre-season talk had Rivers as an early favorite for MVP and a dark horse for #1 fantasy quarterback was warranted. How could he be worse with the return of V-Jax, a healthy Gates and the expected emergence of Ryan Matthews.
First, he's stopped throwing touchdowns. Through 6 games, Philip has only 7 touchdowns (against 9 picks). Last year it only took him 3 games to get to that point. You can chalk part of that up to the four games missed by Gates and the underrated adjustment to losing Darren Sproles. We'd expect him to pick up the pace since it's hard to imagine a guy of this caliber throwing 17 TDs.
The second reason is more interesting. Rivers is only 8 yards a game off his pace from last season but instead of leading the league, he's now 7th. An amazing 6 quarterbacks averaging more than 290 yards a game. To put that in perspective, since 2002, no more than 2 players have averaged that many yards in a given season (and a few times nobody did). In the new defense optional league (thanks to less hitting in practice and the rule changes, the middle of the field is open like never before), the passing game has become even more dominant. With that many fantasy points at stake, quarterbacks are no longer the replaceable commodity they once were, if you don't have a really good one, you're probably not winning your league. The gap between reality and fantasy is narrowing.
Rating: 3 Piss-Faces.
7. Reminder Why We Hate Fantasy Football for the Week: Plaxico Burress, Felon, New York Jets;
Despite pulling off the rare feat of destroying a Super Bowl defense with a self-inflicted gun shot wound, we wanted the Giants to take a chance on Burress in the offseason. If they could get him cheap, maybe his residual chemistry with Eli could provide a spark. When the Jets signed him for $3m, we were slightly bummed but knew we was overpaid.
Through 6 games, Plax had pulled off the feat even rarer than his previous accomplishment - making a fan base long for the days of Braylon Edwards. In failing to break 75 yards in a game, he'd looked slow, stiff and generally disinterested. Going into week 7, he had no business being on a team much less in a starting line-up. So what did he do? He put up a typical Burress line of 4 catches for 25 yards only this time 3 of them were for touchdowns. It was so inspiring that Adam Schefter proclaimed that Plax had "developed into Mark Sanchez's security blanket ... for Sunday at least." A security blanket that's only good for one day, doesn't provide much security does it? If he catches more than 3 touchdowns for the rest of the season, we'll pull off the rarest of rare feats and admit we were wrong.
Rating: 10 Mad Faces.
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