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| "#2." |
We don't like being told what to do. It's a trait that hasn't exactly helped us in life. The romantic notion of the nonconformist rebel succeeding has thus far eluded us. Instead of being embraced and respected for refusing to blindly follow, people just think we're being a bitch. So with that bit of background, you can imagine how we reacted when we got the following email last week (paraphrasing):
Just a friendly reminder to everyone. Whenever you leave your office be sure to place a yellow sticky note on your door telling everyone where you've gone and when you expect to return.Obviously, we were not amused nor did we find this particularly friendly. In fact, it was infuriating. We're already subject to three separate levels of attendance scrutiny. Not only do we track our time in a time keeping system (a distant cousin to the scourge of billable hours) but we're required to sign-in every morning and, in addition to all that, someone walks the halls and takes attendance. At this point, we're one step away from electronic tracking devices.
But back to the sticky notes and our dislike of being told what to do. In a perfect world, everyone would receive a modicum of respect and trust from their employer. Actually, in a perfect world we wouldn't have to work at all, but you get the point. For some reason, we think people should be trusted to step away from our desk during the day without anybody looking over our shoulder and, where necessary, tell someone where they're going. Instead, our motions are tracked with post-its. But that doesn't mean we can't have any fun with it and take the notion to its most absurd limit and while not being combative, tweak the idea just enough to make us happy.
So, instead of a simply "Out to lunch. Back at 1," we're more likely to say something like:
Searching for sustenance. To return when our belly is full. Or 1:30 at the latest.
Potty time:
Stall 3.
In the library:
On a quest for knowledge. To return when my brain overfloweth with answers or I get tired to reading.
Coffee?
A father and his son (an only child) got into a car accident. The father died but the son survived and was taken to the hospital for minor surgery. The doctor came in and said, 'I can't do any surgery on this boy, we're directly related.' Both the boy's parent's were also only children. Who was the doctor? At starbucks with that person. Back at 12:37 or so.
Bathroom #2.
Bathroom. Yes, again. Had Chik-Fil-A for lunch. Will return when the cramps subside.
Therapy?
Paying someone to listen to my problems so I don't kill you. Back at noon!! ;-)
Library #2.
Fuck Lexis. Back when I can actually find the answer to my question.
Sitting in your car in the parking lot crying.
Sitting the in the car in the parking lot crying.
Home for the day.
At home. Eating dinner, watching tv, playing with my cats and getting a good night sleep. Back in the a.m.
And our favorite.
Hoops. Back at 1:30.
Guess it's not all that bad after all. Football time!!
We're just under a third of the way through the 2011 season and it's clear things have changed. The 49ers, Lions and Bills have a combined record of 13-2 while three playoff teams from last season, the Eagles, Colts and Rams are 1-13. Passing yardage is through the roof; 6 quarterbacks are averaging more than 300 yards per game where in the previous 3 years combined there was 1. And above all else, defense has apparently become optional. Maybe things will even out by the end of the season or the anomalies of this season will eventually be chalked up to lock-out induced insanity. Ether way, fantasy points are plentiful, which, surprisingly makes things more difficult. Where you once could depend on your studs to give you a decided week-to-week advantage, games are now decided on who started the random guy who had the even more random week. In sum, things are random.
To try to measure the frustration associated with the randomness, we're adding a new wrinkle to the column by grading each bullshit performance on a scale of 1-10 "Mad Faces."
1. Disappointment, Embodiment thereof, New York Giants;
Who wins this game? A bad Seahawks team that is markedly worse on the road, traveling from the west coast to play at 1 p.m., who loses their wildly ineffective quarterback, Tavaris Jackson, and replaces him with Clipboard Jesus. Or an inarguably superior Giants team, coming off two straight wins, beginning a 3 game home stand with a chance to realistically get to 6-1 and insulate themselves from a brutal second half schedule, with Eli Manning passing for 420 yards, Victor Cruz with 161 yards and a touchdown and both Hakeen Nicks and some guy named Jake Ballard also scoring touchdowns. So, who wins? If you are a long-time Giants fan you know the correct answer is the Seahawks, of course. For all the talk about how much of a disciplinarian Tom Coughlin is supposed to be, the Giants ALWAYS lose this game due to lack of preparation and dumb mistakes. To paraphrase the completely overdone quote attributed to Bill Parcells "You are what you are." And the Giants are a talented but ultimately injury and mistake prone team.
As for the Seahawks, don't go getting all excited over Marshawn Lynch's 98 yard and 8.2 yard per carry average. He still sucks and has more games under 35 yards this year than over 70. The Giants defense just stunk a bit more on Sunday. Doug Baldwin's 136 yards doesn't do much for us either.
Finally, Victor Cruz? The stats tell you he's averaging 6 catches, 123 yards and 1 TD in the 3 games since he began seeing starter's minutes. But, with his knack for matching absolutely fluky 70ish yard touchdown catches with terrible mistakes (he fumbled and then tipped away the game), and Mario Manningham getting healthy, we wouldn't expect it to continue.
Rating: 7 Mad Faces. Too predictable for 10.
2. J. Battle, Running Back?, Kansas City Chefs;
There's not much more jarring than sitting down after at a baby's christening (or baptism or "first step on his journey to a personal relationship with our lord and savior jesus christ.", whatever you want to call it) then, while reflecting on how your heathen ass is destined for a nice warm spot in hell, seeing that the Colts are not only really sucking for Luck but that a "J. Battle" ran for a game high 119 yards for the Chefs.
(Apparently his name is "Jackie Battle" which sounds like a Blaxploitation flick starring Pam Grier and Fred Williamson. No matter, he will continue to be J. Battle from as long as he is relevant and until we see him sporting a leather rain coat and a dark black mustache)
So what are we to make of J. Battle? Well, the Chef offense is still kind of a disaster and though Thomas Jones, The Everliving, is still the shuffling around, any running back that starts and might get 20 carries has to be owned. Surely you have someone crappy you can cut. Fantasy titles have been swung by far worse guys than J. Battle.
Rating: 2 Mad Faces.
3. Dream Crushers, Buffalo Bills;
It's mildly poetic that our muse, the plucky, fun Buffalo Bills with the HARVARD (did you hear, Ryan Fitzpatrick went to HARVARD and therefore he is smarter than everyone else in the world and could be contributing to the global financial crisis while bathing in gold bullion but instead he's slumming it throwing a ball around to other well-off people and making millions of dollars anyway? And also, did you know he went to Harvard? And he has a beard? He's a man of the people, we say!!) absolutely crushed any remaining hope the Philadelphia Dream Team had of contending. For as much as it helped with the pain of a typical Giants loss, Fitzpatrick (193 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT) and Stevie Johnson (4 catches, 29 yards) had to leave owners a bit disappointed. Fitzpatrick appears to be settling in as a bye-week/match-up play, while Johnson is solidly in the second-tier of pass catchers and gets much of his value from his ability to find himself with the ball in the end zone in a given week. The third part of this mediocre 3-headed monster, however, is emerging as a fantasy beast. "Right Said" Fred Jackson had almost 200 total yards (111 rushing, 85 receiving) and is making a habit out of contributing on both sides of the ledger every week. Oh, and his competition, former #9 overall pick C.J. Spiller, is averaging 3 carries a game. The lesson, always trust a man named Fred.
Rating: 137 Happy Faces for the Eagle Loss, 4 Mad Faces for not drafting Fred Jackson.
4. Large Benjamin, Drama Queen, Pittsburgh Steelers;
While their cross-state "rivals" were busy shitting the bed in upstate New York (we assume they don't have nice hotels up there so i't was most likely a cheap Comfort Inn bed which means it was not first time said bed was shat upon), the Steelers found a way to right their ship thanks to the "heroics" of Large Benjamin. You see, Benny's foot is sprained and it was hurting him so badly that he had to wear a little bootie for protection. And we had to be told about it over and over again. Enough to convince us that a quarterback who relies on his ability to move to make up for an awful o-line and had thrown 3 touchdowns and 5 picks int he early season, might be a bad play this week. So we did the smart thing and kept him on the bench. The reward? 5 touchdowns, sitting safely on the bench. The only think we hate more than civilly accused rapists are fakers.
Rating: 9 Mad Faces. Even if this is the first sign that the Steelers offense will be the passing-centric unit we were promised, those 5 TD days are exceedingly rare and unlikely to happen again.
5. Jimmy Graham, TE, New Orleans Saints;
We have nothing against Jimmy Graham. His picture makes him seem like an ideal star for the sequel to "50/50" and his 32 catches for 496 yards (including 3 straight games of 100+ yards) put him comfortably at #2 in the TE rankings and in the Top 5 in most league-wide receiving categories. No, our misdirected anger is at JerMichael Finley, who is supposed to be who Jimmy Graham is right now. All off-season everyone creamed themselves over all his physical tools and what a specimen he is (he's oh so sessy) and how ready he was to break out. Instead Graham has emerged and Finley looks like another of the dreaded "Fantasy Hype-Monsters" busy dropping passes on Sunday night football We're waiting for ESPN to report that they drunkenly pissed in a fountain together and switched bodies during the lock-out. (Hollywood, are you listening?!?)
Rating: 10 Mad Faces. We hate being wrong.
6. Willis McGahee, Zombie, Denver Broncos;
McGahee's career has been a study in busted expectations. In 2002 at the U, Willis McGahee looked like he was THE next great running back. Then he shredded his knee in the Fiesta Bowl and looked like another injury derailed star. The Bills still took him 23rd overall (considered a major reach at the time) and though he was expected to miss a good portion of his rookie season, played in Week 1 and ended the season as the starting running back with 1,1000 yards and 13 touchdowns. The next season, he ran for 1200 yards but his yard per carry average dipped below 4 and after a 3rd season in Buffalo (this time under 900 yards), he traded to Baltimore. first first season there, he rushed for 1,200 yards his first season and seemed poised to become a solid, if not spectacular starter in the league., before the floor fell out again and injuries and a combination of Leron McClain and Ray Rice made him into a fantasy afterthought. Nobody noticed when he showed up in Denver as the back-up (supposed) future star, Knowshown Moreono. Expecations zero. Now, after one Moreno injury, Willis is talking about 3 100 yard games and what appears to be a solid hold on the starting job (Moreno was healthy on Sunday and got no carries).
Rating: 10 Shocked Faces.
7. Jacoby Jones, Forgetter of Hands, Houston Texans;
With Andre Johnson out with a hamstring injury, Jacoby Jones was finally given a chance to start and many fantasy prospectors saw the upside. Jones is a freak, at 6'2", 212, he runs a 4.2 40. Coming out of a small school, it seemed like given a few year seasoning, he could develop into a real star, a la, Miles Austin. On Sunday he got his chance and the results were worse than awful. The numbers are bad enough, 1 catch for 9 yards, but what's worse is that he was targeted a whopping 11 times, tied for the team lead. To put that in even better perspective, Owen Daniels, who was also targeted 11 times, caught 8 passes for 89 yards. The only logical explanation for all of this? He must have forgotten his hands.
Rating: 1 Mad Face. Everyone is entitled to be forgetful now and then.
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