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| Eh oh, oh eh. Hey Angeler, how come nobody brought me donuts? Eh oh! |
Present company excepted of course. So if you are a boss (or worse, our boss) maybe you should just skip down to the football part. Everybody loves you. Seriously. They all think your awesome. Really, they do. Move along now.
So yeah, it's true. People might do what their boss ask them. People might respect their bosses. They might even enjoy working for their boss on some level. But deep down they don't really like them. And nobody wants to celebrate something that they don't like and don't believe in. It's like Easter.
But its not our fault. It's human nature. Even if our partners might disagree, nobody wields more direct power over our worlds. They hold our careers, financial stability and a large chunk of our self-worth in their hands and our ability to convince that single person that we are competent is the one thing standing between us and living in a box. But they don't get us. They don't understand what it's like to be us (MAN!!). They don't understand what we have go through every day. Why on some Friday's we want to sleep under our desk and not write that memo. Or why sometimes we just really need to get the fuck out of here at 5. The relationship is inherently adversarial.
Here's the catch, we don't get them either. Whether they've gotten to their position by being good at their job or just good at kissing the right ass at the right time, they've earned their spot. But that spot exists in an entirely different world than ours. One with different pressures and different expectations. (and a little bit of power to enjoy, of course.) They might as well be aliens. To us they're they've got the better job, the better salary and the ability tone completely unreasonable and have people accept it. To them, they're just another person trying to get through their damn day.
That's not to say we should all seek to find common ground or gather around the campfire and sing kumbaya (or Kumba Yo for that matter). While there are some good bosses out there, there are also some monsters. They're running an offices everywhere. And they fucking love making your life miserable.
We all know who the monsters are.
They make their introduction to a room full of new hires by telling them they have the power to ruin there careers.
They hold an mandatory seminar entitled "How to Please Your Supervisor" and talk at you for an hour about how they're entirely too busy to be bothered by anything less than perfection from you.
They hold an mandatory seminar entitled "How to Please Your Supervisor" and talk at you for an hour about how they're entirely too busy to be bothered by anything less than perfection from you.
They look you in the eye and tell you that, despite the death of your father and your subsequent health problems, that your billable hours for the year just weren't good enough.
They sit in their office day after day, yelling and screaming and generally scaring the shit out of people.
They make inappropriate comments about women in the office and make you travel around the country while they spend their days tending to their fantasy teams.
They require you to show up at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning to video their daughter's swim meets and disgustingly talk with their mouths full of food.
They require you to show up at 7 a.m. on a Saturday morning to video their daughter's swim meets and disgustingly talk with their mouths full of food.
They tell you that the only work you should do is what they give you, then refuse to give you work and fire you for not doing the work they never gave you.
They lay people off to protect their huge bonuses.
They rule the world.
And we fucking hate them.
So if you're currently a boss or hope to be one some day (if so, you've already convinced yourself that you'll do a better job), don't be a monster. You can ruin a lot more than just somebody's day.
Welcome back bosses!! Let's talk about football!!
1. Jim Harbaugh, Kind of a Dick, San Francisco 49ers;
It's a shame that such a great football game between two hard-nosed, blue collar teams (who's more blue collar than Top 2 draft picks Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson, right?) would be overshadowed by such a disgusting confrontation between their coaches. It's an embarrassment to the National Football League that ... just kidding. We were channeling our inner Peter King for a second. No, seriously, the Harbaugh/Schwartz kerfuffle was the best thing we've seen all year. As we wrote in our Attitude column in the offseason, we're all for the NFL embracing personal expression and if something like this (a harmless, harmless incident) brings even more attention to a game between two potentially up-and-coming teams, all the better.
(On a side note, what percentage of the Lions' rise is attributable to those Chrysler commercials? 95%?)
Still, Jim Harbaugh is kind of a dick. And we have video evidence.
First, Stanford-USC, 2009. Stanford (featuring a freshman named Andrew Luck) effectively ended USC's Pac-Whatever dominance with a 55-21 victory that included a two-point conversion attempt while leading. 48-21. It was a total dick move that turned the Dude (USC Coach Pete Carroll) into Seinfeld with his infamous "What's YOUR deal?" response.
Second, 2011 Orange Bowl. Harbaugh's team just destroyed Virginia Tech and sideline person Michelle Tafoya just wants to get a few thoughts from everybody's coaching darling and perhaps ask an innocuous question about whether he's leaving. Instead of dutifully answering her questions, Harbaugh totally blows her off and passes her to some defensive player nobody cares about. Less dickish in a vacuum but in context, kind of shitty.
And, finally, yesterday. Harbaugh v. Schwartz - Live on FOX!!
So, what exactly happened here? Let's break it down zapruder-style.
:01 - The coaches discuss how the Lions are likely yo try that flippy play that worked once in the history of football before Sunday.
:16 - It's still worked once.
:20 - 49ers win. Harbaugh is understandably pumped.
:23 - Harbaugh shows his belly. An undeniable show of aggression in the wild and highly offensive to the fallen Lions. Things are getting heated already.
:25 - Weird chest bump-thing between Harbaugh and a player. The adrenaline is flowing now.
:28 - Here is is - the "Shake Heard Round the World." Harbaugh goes with the overly aggressive handshake and tops it off with the slap on the back. If you want to understand the power used by Harbaugh, watch as Schwartz's body moves back and to the left. Back and to the left. Back and to the left. Worst of all, he barely acknowledges Schwartz as his equal. Totally big-timed him. Schwartz is understandably pissed.
:29 - Schwartz says something to Harbaugh like "Hey man, we're both 5-1."
:31 - Harbaugh answers back. Schwartz says it was an "expletive" (Woah!! Hold the phone. There's no cursing in football.) But we don't buy it. Our guess is Harbaugh said "Yeah, but I get to go back to San Francisco and you have to stay here in Detroit."
:43 - And then all heck broke loose, Harbaugh kept jogging douchily away while Schwartz tried to get at him. The whole think took an a very "small yippy dog, runs around barking at a pill bull" feel before Schwartz was escorted into his locker room yelling "Hold me back, hold me back!!!"
And with that ESPN filled its programming for the week.
So Harbaugh may be a dick but it looks like the dick can coach. He's taken the same roster from a 6-10 team (including passing on all the available veterans QBs to stick with the immortal Alex Smith) and turned them into 5-1 outfit with an inside track on a first round bye and home field advantage in the divisional round. That's amazing. They play solid defense (only 13th in yard per game but 2nd in points allowed, which is potentially unsustainable) and have our boy Frank Gore, one of the most infuriating players to own in all of fantasy. After racking up 1600 yards in his second season, Gore has fallen short enough of expectations every other year to frustrate owners but produced enough to make it hard to pass on him. Also, he broke his hip like an elderly person. Worse yet, you can't trade him no matter how good he's playing. The hope this year was that Harbaugh's magic touch would rejuvenate his career. So far, the returns are good. After a slow start, Gore has 3 straight 100 yard games, is on pace to eclipse 1400 yards and, perhaps most importantly, is averaging a 5 yards per carry. If he can stay healthy and continue to produce at that pace, Gore might finally return to the heights he held so briefly. All thanks to that dick Jim Harbaugh.
Rating: One overly aggressive Mad Face.
And with that ESPN filled its programming for the week.
So Harbaugh may be a dick but it looks like the dick can coach. He's taken the same roster from a 6-10 team (including passing on all the available veterans QBs to stick with the immortal Alex Smith) and turned them into 5-1 outfit with an inside track on a first round bye and home field advantage in the divisional round. That's amazing. They play solid defense (only 13th in yard per game but 2nd in points allowed, which is potentially unsustainable) and have our boy Frank Gore, one of the most infuriating players to own in all of fantasy. After racking up 1600 yards in his second season, Gore has fallen short enough of expectations every other year to frustrate owners but produced enough to make it hard to pass on him. Also, he broke his hip like an elderly person. Worse yet, you can't trade him no matter how good he's playing. The hope this year was that Harbaugh's magic touch would rejuvenate his career. So far, the returns are good. After a slow start, Gore has 3 straight 100 yard games, is on pace to eclipse 1400 yards and, perhaps most importantly, is averaging a 5 yards per carry. If he can stay healthy and continue to produce at that pace, Gore might finally return to the heights he held so briefly. All thanks to that dick Jim Harbaugh.
Rating: One overly aggressive Mad Face.
2. Woeful Roddy White, Wide Receiver, Atlanta Falcons;
Until further notice, Roddy White will no longer be referred to as "Rowdy" or "The Rowdy One" or even "Wowdy." Due to his slow start, White has lost his nickname rights. Sure he's still on pace for 90 catches and 1,000 yards but that's not what the #2 overall wide receiver was drafted to do. White was drafted to be a difference maker and was valued on consistency rather than upside. So far, the only difference he's consistently been making is causing teams to lose.
The dirty little secret of White's huge season last year (115 catches, 1389 yards) was that he did it on 179 targets. For those counting at home, that's a ton. White lead the league with only Reggie Wayne and Larry Fitzgerald anywhere close (no one else was within 25). So with the addition of Julio Jones, one could have expected less targets and a statistical regression. Is that what's happening here? Nope.
Roddy's still the second most targeted player in the league (behind Wes Welker) and while his pace is down a bit from last year, he's bigger problem here is that he leads the league in dropped passes. If he can cut down on the drops (he had zero this week) and Matty Ice keeps feeding him the ball, there's plenty of reason to believe he'll be earning his nickname back soon.
Rating: 7 Mad Faces.
3. Monkey, On Back No Longer, Andy Reid;
One of the underrated benefits of fantasy football is that owning a certain player can help your understand what it's like to be part of another fan base. Take Shady McCoy and the Eagles for instance. Eagle fans like to complain about Andy Reid. They complain about his play calling, his smugness and his inability to win big games. Non-Eagle fans look at the decade of success and think that Eagle fans are cretins (which is true) But once you've owned McCoy for a year or so, you start to feel their pain just a little.
McCoy might be the second best back in the league. Watch him play for a quarter, on a team that has speed leaking from its ass, he's playing at another pace. His quickness and ability to make people miss in tight spaces (jump cut!!) is stunning. So, when he gets 28 carries like he did on Sunday (for 126 yards and a touchdown), Eagle fans and McCoy owners feel like things are right in the world. Everyone understands this. Everyone except for Andy Reid, apparently. Andy doesn't like pesky things like the running game or consistency. That makes him equally likely to give McCoy 28 carries in one week as he is to give him less in the previous two combined. But that's just Andy being Andy so enjoy your ride on the Shady coaster.
Which brings us to the real-life Eagles who now sit at 2-4. After playing one really solid half of football against a Redskins team that featured the real Rex Grossman (the one who throws all the picks), the team is POISED to win the NFC East and earn back its "Dream Team" label. In all seriousness though, our attempts to write the Eagles off on a week-to-week basis may have been wishful thinking. Given the failure of the Giants and Redskins to put enough distance between themselves and the then-struggling Birds, the division remains surprisingly winnable. Every team is highly flawed. The Redskins have quarterback controversy. The Cowboys are afraid of their quarterback. (Does Jason Garrett know that if he calls normal plays instead of going into a shell at the end of a huge game and his quarterback throws a pick its not a choke if he says "No Romo" beforehand?). The Giants are injured and facing a brutal schedule. Philly's margin for error is gone (the wild cards are likely going to Detroit and one of the NFC South teams so 3 loses is likely the max they can withstand) but things could be interesting from here on out. Damn.
At least we'll always have this:
At least we'll always have this:
On yet another side note, did anyone else see Jason Babin mimic pulling a monkey off of Andy Reid's substantial back towards the end of Sunday's game? It was just like the time that Steve Young did it. (3:40 in the video if you need a refresher). Except for the fact that Young had just won a Super Bowl and finally proven himself worthy of succeeding Joe Montana and Andy Reid is 2-4. Still, totally similar. We'd hate to see what they'd have removed if he ever lead the Eagles to a Super Bowl win. Good thing that will never happen.
Rating: 7.5 Mad Faces. An Andy Reid punch to the gut can make anyone smile.
4. Ahmad Bradshaw, Running Back, New York Giants;
While the Eagles are seemingly a team without an identity from week-to-week, the Giants are a team that seems to have lost theirs. After years of being a power running team, the Giants started the year utterly unable to move the ball on the ground. Whether it was the shake-up of the offensive line (2 new starters and 3 guys playing new positions with Deihl moving from LT to G) or injuries (wasn't Tom Coughlin supposed to get rid of those?), the team had lost its way. That forced Eli into situations that accentuates his inconsistencies and leads to uneven team performances. One week they look like world-beaters dismantling the Eagles in others they lose to the Redskins or Seahawks. That's what makes Bradshaw's performance Sunday (26 caries, 104 yards, 3 TDs) so encouraging. Fantasy owners certainly took note of the touchdowns (somewhat a product of Jacobs's absence) but either way, getting back over 100 yards for the first time all season restores some faith.
In real life, if the Giants have any hope of maintaining their lead in the division, they'll need to continue to establish the run and hope getting guys like Tuck back in the line-up will cure some of their defense woes. As mentioned earlier, their remaining schedule is brutal:
Miami (W)
at New England (L)
at San Fran (?)
Philly (?)
at New Orleans (L)
Green Bay (L)
at Dallas (L)
Washington (W)
at Jets (?)
Dallas (W)
There's what maybe 2 wins on the schedule? That would give them 6 and they'll need at least 10 to win the division. If they split with Dallas they get to 7. That means they need to steal a win at San Fran, beat the Jets in a quasi-home game and beat either New Orleans and Philly. This is highly concerning.
Rating: A prospective 7 mad faces.
5. Offense, Not Good Enough, Buffalo Bills;
It's really starting to feel like we've settled in the on the proper level for our Buffalo Bills fantasy players. Fitzpatrick is a bye-week fill-in, Stevie Johnson is a solid #2 WR, and Fred Jackson?
HE'S THE FUCKING MAN!!
Seriously, we love Fred. But what do we really know about our newest man-crush? Well, we all know he's second in the league in rushing and averages almost 150 total yards per game. But's that really it. So, let's take a little quiz about the most boring name in the NFL - which of these things is true about our Fred Jackson and not just another of history's many Fred Jacksons?
a. Was a Kohawk?
b. Is known for his ideas of geographical sectionalism?
c. Was a bandit in Sioux City?
d. Was named a captain in South Africa?
e. Enjoys big game shooting?
f. Ran as the Kansas Republican representative to the 62nd Congress?
g. Played for the Great Britain Lions?
h. Fought in a war?
i. Spent a year in Dusseldorf?
j. Wrote a film about the life of Bojangles?
k. Played with Baby Face Willette?
l. Is best known for his famous line "Do Me Again?"
While you'd adding up your score, think about which of these things are really represent the least likely background for a big-time NFL running back?
Answers: a, c, i.
Rating: 0 Mad Faces.
6. Al Davis, Ghost GM, Oakland Raiders;
There has been a ton of talk about Al Davis' legacy in the past two weeks, his influence on the NFL/AFL merger, his historically great teams and the underrated influence of his "vertical passing game." Nobody wants to forget what Al did. So it's heartwarming to see that his influence remains strong in Oakland as they continue to just make absolutely ridiculous trades. Seriously, a first and second round pick for a 32-year old Carson Palmer who hasn't played since last season? In mid-season?
(The second rounder becomes a first rounder if the Raiders make the AFC championship so let's just go ahead and call it a second rounder right now, shall we?)
The Raiders have been a directionless organization for the better part of the last ten years so it shouldn't really be a surprise to see them make such a panic move. To react to the loss of your starting quarterback by gutting your next two drafts (by trading this season's first rounder they've not used a total of 3 picks in the upcoming draft on quarterbacks - one to trade of Jason Campbell and another to pick Terelle Pryor in the supplemental draft) is simply irresponsible. Maybe the prospect of playing Kyle Boller is terrifying, but when you see how some of the other veteran quarterbacks on new teams have performed without the benefit of an offseason (McNabb: benched, Collins: dead), can they really expect Palmer to walk in and help them make the playoffs. And that doesn't even take into account the fact that Palmer hasn't been a difference making quarterback in at least 4 years. The decency of his stats is highly misleading. We've heard his crappiness explained away by blaming it on the soul-crushing nature of playing in Cincinnati. Maybe that has some merit and maybe going to a more stable situation will rejuvenate his career. But when exactly did the Raiders become the Brady Bunch?
Rating: Too confused to make an angry face.
7. Jerome Simpson, Receiver of Many Interesting Things, Cincinnati Bengals;
We're confused about the current state of Cincinnati football. Andy Dalton and A.J. Green are exciting and their defense is slightly beastly. We're not confused about Jerome Simpson, however. Jerome Simpson is what this column is all about. Somebody, somewhere lost a fantasy match-up they should have won easily because their awful team started Simpson, a player better known for having six pounds of pot delivered to his house than actually playing football, as a bye week or shit draft flier and, instead of giving them what they deserved - nothing - he came up huge with 6 catches and 101 yards. Thank you Jerome for reminding us what fantasy is all about. And fuck you too.
Rating: 10 Mad Faces.
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