Things We Hate - The Coors Light Bar Exam Commercials

Writing in a blind rage is not good. Doing most things in a blind range probably isn't good. But especially writing, particularly when you expect what you're writing to be read by somewhere north of 5 or 6 people. The problem with writing angry (as opposed to driving angry, which is NEVER a problem) is that you can't organize your thoughts. It's hard to be witty when you want to commit genocide.

But, with thousands of overstressed, barely still functional law school grads preparing to put 19 years of education and their future career on the line by sitting in a desk for three days to answer questions with little predictive value of their ability effectively practice their future profession, that can mean only one thing. Bar exam time!! Remember kids: no gum, flip flops, belts or shoe laces. So, as a public service to all our future lawyers (including our brother who will undoubtedly pass) we're going to try to put aside our rage and deal with the absolute disgrace that is Coors Light's "Bar Exam" commercials. Ok, let's give it a shot ...



(Breathing Deeply)

(Counting Backwards from 10)

(Going to our happy place)

(Googling "Ways to Stay Calm")
(Dancing like no one is watching)

(Someone was watching)

(Embarrassed)

(Anyway ....)

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!  Apparently dancing doesn't work.

Seriously, what Don Draper-wannabe thought this was a good idea? And you just know at a big dumb corporation like MillerCoors had to route this through legal. None of their lawyers thought to say "Hey guys, we might be considered scumbags by like 99% of people on earth and we aren't exactly known for our creative instincts, buuuut, this really sucks."

It's impossible to hold commercials to a particularly high standard.  They're called commercials for a reason, their purpose is to sell. But these days they're also meant to entertain.  But this piece of crap?  There is nothing funny, creative, original, informative, unique, or [insert your own adjective] about this.  And we're not even going to bore you with the whole "belittling of our profession" angle.  We might consider that to be our exclusive purview, but we'll laugh at anything and respect anyone who tries to be funny.  But we won't respect lazy. 

But we're also hypocrits.  And since we're really too pissed for a thoughtful critique, we're breaking out the the favored tool of lazy bloggers (and dedicated studiers, who call it an outline): The List.

1. First of all, what's with the fucking flyer? Any law student, fictional or otherwise, who's dumb enough to pick up a random flyer and wander into an actual bar in search of a "bar exam study group" needs to go see his school and request a refund.  They've obviously been duped. 

2. Are we supposed to believe the bar utilizing a new marketing plan to lure in unsuspecting bar studiers and sell them watery light beer? It's not a bad thought since by the time the bar rolls around most law students have devolved into borderline (or not so borderline) alcoholics, but they're probably looking for something a but more efficient that light beer.

3. This shit has more plot holes than "Lost." Wouldn't this whole thing be a lot more realistic if it featured an overstressed grad complaining about having to take the bar exam only to have his wisenheimer friend pull that "what's this mean ... now you've pass the bar exam" bullshit only to have the bar student snap, break the bottle, slice his friend's jugular and them travel back in time.

4. Speaking of a stunningly lazy lack of realism, how bout some real bar books? We mean they are all of $30 on Craigslist.  "Intro to Criminal Law"? Eat crap Coors.

5.  This is a little off the "law" topic, but do we really need "technology" to help determine if something is cold?  We have hands.  And a mouth.  The aliens must be so impressed.

6.  Does this guy really think he just passed the bar exam?  See Point 1 on the issue of refunds.

7.  Thank god they cap this fiasco off with something as clever and completely misplaced like that blisteringly funny "So sue me" line.  That's a law related term!! HABEUS CORPUS!!!!

Of course this is only one example.  Amazingly, the other commercials somehow aren't available on the vast internet wasteland (much like pictures of Boner Stabone before he killed himself). But, we're sure you remember the triumph where a man (who gives off a very distinct "I didn't pass 7th grade vibe) apparent girlfriend calls and asks if they're "still on for dinner" (implying they at some point made plans) only to be reminded, to her surprise, that he "has the bar exam tomorrow" (implying that this was somehow forgotten when they made plans).  As much as that bothers us, the bigger question is, how is this supposed to play out? Wouldn't the girlfriend wonder why he'd never studied?  Or if he passed?  Or, at some point, be confused as to why he stays home all day watching the same "Sportscenter" all day instead of, we don't know, being a lawyer?  (We'll debate the relative societal value of those two career paths another time.)

Finally, don't even bothering trying to find the reason why lines like "I think I'm ready for another bar exam" or "How about a refresher course", met by uncontrollable laughter? No one who ever faced the hell of the bar (or who has even the slightest sense of humor) would ever say that. 

So thank you Coors for helping to ruin any live TV we watch. It's good to know we can count on you for something.  Hopefully in 2012, you'll be back with a sequel making fun of doctors.  Maybe something that goes like this:

(phones rings)

Man:  Hello

Friend: Hey guy, are we still going out tonight?  I can't wait to stand creepily in the corner of a dimly-lit bar and make women uncomfortable with our stares and then go home alone and cry myself to sleep.

Man #1:  Sorry dude, I've got the board exam tomorrow!!

(hangs up phone without even bothering to say goodbye.  Turns to bartender)

Bartender: Here's your Coors Light, sir.

Man:  Can I ask you a question?

Bartender:  Sure.

(Man holds up 2x4)

Man:  Can you tell me what this is?

Bartender:  A .... um ... piece of wood?

Man:  Wrong!!

(smashes Bartender in face and knocks him to the ground)

Man: You just failed your board exams. Now get me a real goddamn beer.

(cut to stock Coors Light Image)

Announcer:  Coors Light, for when you'd rather just have water but fold to peer pressure.