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| Umm .... are the guns really even necessary? |
Nope. It's because, the NFL finally unveiled it's grand plan to win back the hearts and minds of lockout fatigued fans in the form of 2008 NFL Player of the Year James Harrison's calling out everyone from his quarterback to his commissioner. Apparently, Harrison, a man who regularly maims his opposition and, if the above picture is any indication, scares the living shit out of everyone he comes across, feels picked on by Commissioner Goodell and his aggressive crackdown on what he considers to be overly violent hits. So he decided to speak out, calling the Protector of the Shield a dictator, stupid and even dropped this little tidbit:
"If that man was on fire and I had to piss to put him out, I wouldn’t do it. I hate him and will never respect him.”
First off, that's probably a good thing because James Harrison pisses fire. So if he intervened in that way the Commish would be doubly on fire. Secondly, we're excited to see that the NFL's reengagement strategy involves channeling the WWF's old Attitude Era complete with Harrison running around like Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Sure, the product on the field is good enough that they can just roll out the proverbial balls we'll all be back in front of our tv's engorging ourselves on snacks and fantasy football stats. But, with its focus on "team" and parity, the one thing missing from the NFL is personalities and the mining (or even simply allowing) of the inherent conflict between the players, the league, and even teammates (Harrison also called out both Big Rapey Ben and Rashard Mendenhall). Everything is better with conflict. Even the biggest, most popular and most beloved American sport of all time.
Just look at what conflict does for far inferior products. Take the NBA for example. Despite a regular season that even the players don't usually care about, the league is coming off a banner year because of it's ability to leverage the strong public feelings, both good and bad, about it's stars, particularly the Miami Heat. The main reason the Dallas-Miami series was so compelling wasn't the contrast of styles as much as it was LeBron, Wade, Bosh and Dirk.
It's even more pronounced in wrestling which thrives by having people pretend to hate each other and letting them settle their differences in a sanctioned manner (with those sanctions sometimes involving cages and steel chairs). And it works best when it seems real. That's what the Attitude Era was all about. By pretending to tear down the fourth wall and unleashing edgy, "real" characters like Stone Cold, DX, The Rock and, not to be forgotten, Mr. McMahon, the WWF went from a cartoonish, family friendly and second place operation that shared a acronym with the World Wildlife Fund and became the WWE, the NFL of it's industry.
If it works for them, how could it not work for the NFL? They'd combine the real-life stakes of the NBA with the physicality of wrestling, without having to pretend. As long as it's within the boundaries of the rules, these guys are allowed, and even encouraged, to hit their opponents as hard as humanly possible. All that's missing is the context and players talking provides that.
Maybe some, or even most, of these guys who go out there each week and try to kill each other are only doing it because it's their job. But we're quite sure that many are doing it because they really really dislike the guy they're lined-up across from. Wouldn't it be better if we knew that? It would be endlessly exciting to sit down on a Sunday and know that Justin Tuck really fucking hates Tony Romo and would like nothing more than to see him carted off the field. As long as he stays within the rules in doing so, how does that hurt anyone?
James Harrison is not the only crazy bastard out there who, if freed from the threat of fine and suspension, would love to speak his mind about wanting to decapitate a quarterback like say, Jay Cutler or Phillip Rivers (a comprehensive list of guys in that category is too voluminous for this space). So the NFL should embrace James Harrison's general outspokenness (the gay slur is a separate issue that needs to be dealt with but we're talking more about the spirit of his candor). If he wants to talk shit on Goodell he should go for it. And to keep things interesting Mr. Goodell should continue to fine him for his headhunting and even make it personal. He should turn "Best Interests of the League" and "Personal Conduct Policy" into his very own "You're Fired" (and not the Donald Trump version). And other players should do the same. It's football. Not everyone needs to be friends and play nice. Most fans don't understand the power trap (in fact we understand so little about actual football plays that we can't name one from the post-Lombardi era) but they do understand hate. Hate is accessible. And interesting.
While we're at it, here are a few of the wrestlers other players remind us of:
James Harrison: Stone Cold Steve Austin. Harrison 3:16 says I just concussed your ass. Who wouldn't buy a black and gold "Harrison 3:16" shirt?
Peyton Manning: Hulk Hogan. He's got all the stats and the fame but hard core fans don't see him as the best ever.
Tom Brady: Ric Flair. The stats and fame of Hogan but with more respect. Also, WHOOOOOO!!!!!!
Brett Favre: Shawn Michaels. Wild in his early years. Wildly popular in him prime. Stayed around a little too long.
Aaron Rodgers: Triple H. Highly touted prospect toiled in the shadow of a legend. When given the chance, seized the opportunity to become a champion.
Ray Lewis: The Undertaker. Makes you llegitimately fear for you life and concerned he might bury you in a coffin on ppv. Doesn't make any sense when he talks but remains strangely compelling. Never quite dead when you think he is.
Michael Vick: The Ultimate Warrior. An up and down career but a force of nature.
Rashard Mendenhall: Sargent Slaughter. Emulated Sarge's heel turn with his Bin Laden tweets.
Terrell Owens: The Macho Man. A peerless performer in the field but also obviously mentally unstable.
Randy Moss: Scott Hall/Razor Ramon. One of the best when engaged but just as likely to quit as give you a hall of fame performance.
Ben Roethlisberger: Golddust. He sucks and he's kinda weird looking.
Obviously, none of this will ever happen. Harrison is already predictably backtracking on some of his comments (particularly the ones about him teammates but not Goodell) and will undoubtedly be fined and likely suspended by someone (the Steelers). And now that the lockout is over, and the specter of punishment returns, so any player who spoke his mind the last few months will go back to speaking in cliches. All in the name of nice. And that's fine. We'll go back to watching like the sheep we are. But maybe this time we'll go back thinking it could be alot more fun.
Here are a few more thoughts on his comments:
On high and low hits:
“I get dinged about three times a year and don’t know where I am for a little minute. But unless I’m asleep, you’re not getting me out of the game, and most guys feel the same way. If a guy has a choice of hitting me high or low, hit me in the head and I’ll pay your fine. Just don’t hit me in the knee, ‘cause that’s life-threatening. How’m I going to feed my family if I can’t run?”
Yeah, life-threatening as opposed to you know, bruising your fucking brain. At least if he feeds his family now they'll be around to return the favor when he's a vegetable.
On the 2004 season:
“I should have another ring. We were the best team in football in 2004, but the Patriots, who we beat during the regular season, stole our signals and picked up 90 percent of our blitzes [in the AFC title game]. They got busted for it later, but, hey, they’re Goodell’s boys, so he slapped ‘em $500,000 and burned the tapes. Was he going to rescind their Super Bowls? Man, hell no!”
Ha. Ha.
On the two interceptions thrown by Ben Roethlisberger in last year’s Super Bowl:
“Hey, at least throw a pick on their side of the field instead of asking the D to bail you out again. Or hand the ball off and stop trying to act like Peyton Manning. You ain’t that and you know it, man; you just get paid like he does.”
What we find most interesting is that, even on his own team, Roethlisberger's two rings and three Super Bowl appearances don't put him on the level of Peyton Manning. After a season of fawning over Big Ben and all his intangibles, his teammates don't even come to his defense when things go wrong. And it's not the first time (you'll recall Hines Ward questioning Ben's toughness when he sat out with a concussion). We firmly believe you can tell a player's true greatness by the reverence he gets in his own locker room and, at this point, evidence is mounting that Ben is lacking a bit in that area. File it away for next time we get all fawny.
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