Real Football - We. Are. Back.

It's over.  Finally.  In the words so excitedly spoken by the immortal Roger Goodell: "Football is back."  After 2 years of hushed, foreboding conversation more suited for discussing some one's cancer behind their back and something like a million (or 130, we lost count) days of The Situation Room:  NFL Lockout, the "people walking" clips have been replaced with calendar graphics, recycled trade rumors and hypothetical deals.  You can almost hear the sounds of players crashing into each other (only once a day of course) and smell the fresh cut grass (just a little less in the offseason that before). It's simply magical.

And to think, it almost didn't happen.  After the cancellation of the "Hall of Fame" game, a contest representing the biggest disparity between name and interest in the history of American sport, football almost disappeared forever.  We were so, so scared.  To fill the unfillable void, we even invented a new game called "Not Football."  The rules were essentially the same as football excepts players were required to tackle properly, wear sufficient protective padding and didn't have to watch their brains leak out of their noses at 45.

Luckily for the NFL, they got their shit together before the NNFL took it's place.  In celebration of the NFL's return, we decided to jot down our thoughts on some of the deals and potential deals going down during this 2 week frenzy.

Hate to be clamatic but ...

We.  Are.  Back.

The Panthers Spend the GDP of a Small County to Keep Several Players

Charles Johnson for 6 years and $72 million with $32 million guaranteed.  DeAngelo Williams for 5 years and $43 million with $21 million guaranteed.  Plus a bunch of other money for guys like James Anderson and Thomas Davis.  That's alot of cash.  Hate to pick nits but maybe $50 million guaranteed is a bit much to lock up a DE with one good year and a 28-year old running back who can't stay healthy (particularly in light of Grantland's great piece on "Free Agents You Meet in Hell").  But this really isn't about the numbers, it's about the effect the new CBA's lower salary cap and higher salary floor (a promise to spend like 99% of revenues during the first years).  Teams close or over the reduced cap are having to cut key players (hello Giants) while teams like Carolina (and soon Tampa Bay and others) are essentially forced to give out ridiculous contracts just to get the the floor.  Fun times.

Tavaris Jackson to Seattle; Matt Hasselbeck to Tennessee; Kyle Orton to Somewhere

Need more proof that quarterback is the most important position in sports?  Look at all the discussion over 3 mediocre quarterbacks changing from one non-playoff team to another (no, Seattle is not a playoff team).   Speaking of mediocre signal callers, this probably ends the reign of Clipboard Jesus.  Guess we'll have to wait for the second coming.

Donovan McNabb to Minnesota

Jim McMahon.  Warren Moon.  Randall Cunningham.  Jeff George.  Brett Favre.  What do all those guys have in common?  They each were considered various degrees of done when they came to the Vikes but they all won more than 9 games with the team and, except for McMahon, made the playoffs.  Sounds familiar Donovan?  McNabb looked every bit as as cooked as any of those guys last year in D.C. but he gets another chance to start over in Minny.  It's a good move for the Vikes, for all his faults - accuracy, stomach, etc. - McNabb's pedigree and age (he's only 34) make it seem like last year was more a product of circumstance than him losing it.  We'd expect him to be better than he was last year, particularly when he gets a chance to play with real running game for the first time in his career, but the loss of Sidney Rice (replaced by our biggest personal fantasy bust ever - Devin Aromashodu) and the improvement of a team like Detroit will probably keep them out of the playoffs.  It least he's not you know who.

Brett Favre to Philadelphia

Ahhh, he won't go away!!  This one petered out just about as fast as it got started but nothing could excite us more than the thought, even if it's just a thought, of the Dongmeister bringing his crock-wearing circus to Philly and giving Eagle fans another way to second guess Andy Reid the first time Vick struggles.  Fingers crossed.

Kevin Kolb to Arizona for Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie and a draft pick

Speaking of second guessing Andy Reid, there's no way this can turn out well.  If he trades Kolb and Vick gets hurt, or Kolb is awesome, he's screwed.  If he doesn't and Vick stays healthy, he looks like a worrying idiot.  And if he holds out too long for more value and Arizona goes another direction, he looks greedy.  Still, the Eagles have to make this deal.  Insurance is nice if you're set everywhere else but there's no sense in keeping a player who you hope never sees the field when your defense is putrid.  DRC isn't the answer alone but he's a starting caliber corner with size, athleticism and is still only 25 so the upside is there to be a Top 7-type. 

As for Kolb, there is an awful lot of excitement over a guy with 11 career TD passes, right?  Did we miss the season when he was awesome?  Seemed like his struggles last season after he was handed the job and a new contract were real to us.  Dammit.  Anyway, Arizona is desperate and needs Kolb to reach his potential is they are to have any hope of keeping Fitzgerald happy.  Kolb and Fitz apparently played catch or something, so yeah.  They just better hope he's more Matt Hasselbeck than Rob Johnson or Scott Mitchell. 

Nnamdi Asomugha to the Jets?

The thought of the two best cornerbacks in football (no debate) playing behind all the chaos created by Rex Ryan is intriguing and would give the Jets the offseason championship belt.  But, without additional moves, the Jets are going to need that type of coverage to generate a pass-rush, a prerequisite for any Super Bowl team.  If they convince Awesome-o to take enough of a discount to prevent them from having to gut the roster, they should do it.  While it's a ton of money to sink into the cornerback position, it makes them better and Nnamdi's size could allow him to move to safety in a few years and mitigate any long-term risk.

It's still a long shot right now and an interesting one.  But would it be unprecedented?

Nnamdi and Revis were both first team All-Pro last season, so we looked back as far as 1980 to see if there were any other teammates who both made All-Pro (1st or 2nd team) in the same season.  We used Wikipedia's compilation of the various All-Pro teams, not just the AP, to widen the search.  Not surprisingly, having two corners of that caliber is quite rare (unless of course it's 1987).

2002 - Philadelphia Eagles - Troy Vincent and Bobby Taylor.

1990 - Kansas City Chiefs - Kevin Ross and Albert Lewis.

1987 - Cleveland Browns - Hanford Dixon and Frank Minnifield.  Washington Redskins - Darrell Green and Barry Wilburn.
 
1986 - L.A. Rams - Jerry Gray and LeRoy Irvin.

1984 - L.A. Rams - Mike Haynes and Lester Hayes.

We're certainly not football historians, but have you ever heard of most of these guys?  Obviously, Darrell Green is an all-timer and the Vincent/Taylor combo is known in these parts, but most of these guys don't seem to have had the long-term sustained success (check out some of the other names on the All-Pro list like Delta O'Neal, Patrick Surtain and Lito Sheppard for further evidence).  Make of that what you will.

The best comp seems to be the L.A. Rams combination of Haynes and Hayes.  Haynes, a Hall of Famer, was a perennial pro bowler and one of the best corners in the league with New England before coming to the Raiders at age 30 (same as Nnamdi), joining Hayes, another perennial pro-bowler and HOF finalist, and promptly winning the Super Bowl.  That's music to Jet fans ears.  and maybe enough to keep the Evil Genius up at night.

Albert Haynesworth to New England

Or make him trade for a disgruntled and potentially unmotivated veteran.  Not that long ago, Haynesworth was the best defensive player in football and the recipient of a $100 million contract.  Unfortunately, he is also without a heart.  But this is a perfect Pats move so you fully expect them to take the biggest free agent bust in history and turn him back into a productive to dominant player.  If it doesn't work, all it costs them is a 5th round pick and a few million dollars.  There is a reason why they're still on top.

The Holdouts

Let's make it clear, we have no problem with holdouts in the NFL.  With the lack of guaranteed contracts, players have to get what they can, when they can.  But when it comes to the respective holdouts of DeSean Jackson and Frank Gore, it's leverage vs. no leverage. 

Gore, one of the league's more productive backs, apparently wants to make sure he gets another payday before his body falls apart like every running back before him.  The problem?  What brand new NFL coach really wants start his tenure by throwing a boatload of money at a 28 year old coming off a broken hip?  No leverage.

As for Jackson, aside from Vick, he's the Eagles most important player and, as much as we HATE him, one of the best playmakers in the league.  If the Eagles fancy themselves Super Bowl contenders, they need him.  Plus, at less than $1 million a year, he's violently underpaid.  That's leverage.  The problem?  At 6', 178 lbs (and that's being incredibly generous), he's painfully small and with several concussions already under his belt, the Eagles are are understandably reluctant to want to commit SanAntonio Holmes money (upwards of $50 million with the most ever guaranteed to a WR.  We don't get all the Holmes love) to a guy who could be one hit away from being broken.  He'll get his money, but it's not as easy a decision as you might expect.

Plaxico Burress back to New York?

It's never a good idea to chase the the past.  Things end, people change and trying to recapture old glories never works.  Even the most dramatic thing to ever happen in history ever didn't work out.  So why are we psyched about the fact that our G-Men might bring back Plax?  Because we're stupid.  And there's really no downside.  After two years in jail no one can say what he has left but with Steve Smith returning from microfracture surgery the Giants have a need on the outside, and, if nothing else, Burress has the size to be effective in the redzone (a place the Giants struggle) and, perhaps most importantly during this short offseason, knows the playbook and has chemistry with the quarterback, Eli Manning.  If he's realistic about both the money and his role on the team, a combination of Nicks, Manningham and Burress leaves us with only one thing to say ... Goodness Gracious!!

Things We Hate - The Coors Light Bar Exam Commercials

Writing in a blind rage is not good. Doing most things in a blind range probably isn't good. But especially writing, particularly when you expect what you're writing to be read by somewhere north of 5 or 6 people. The problem with writing angry (as opposed to driving angry, which is NEVER a problem) is that you can't organize your thoughts. It's hard to be witty when you want to commit genocide.

But, with thousands of overstressed, barely still functional law school grads preparing to put 19 years of education and their future career on the line by sitting in a desk for three days to answer questions with little predictive value of their ability effectively practice their future profession, that can mean only one thing. Bar exam time!! Remember kids: no gum, flip flops, belts or shoe laces. So, as a public service to all our future lawyers (including our brother who will undoubtedly pass) we're going to try to put aside our rage and deal with the absolute disgrace that is Coors Light's "Bar Exam" commercials. Ok, let's give it a shot ...



(Breathing Deeply)

(Counting Backwards from 10)

(Going to our happy place)

(Googling "Ways to Stay Calm")
(Dancing like no one is watching)

(Someone was watching)

(Embarrassed)

(Anyway ....)

WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!  Apparently dancing doesn't work.

Seriously, what Don Draper-wannabe thought this was a good idea? And you just know at a big dumb corporation like MillerCoors had to route this through legal. None of their lawyers thought to say "Hey guys, we might be considered scumbags by like 99% of people on earth and we aren't exactly known for our creative instincts, buuuut, this really sucks."

It's impossible to hold commercials to a particularly high standard.  They're called commercials for a reason, their purpose is to sell. But these days they're also meant to entertain.  But this piece of crap?  There is nothing funny, creative, original, informative, unique, or [insert your own adjective] about this.  And we're not even going to bore you with the whole "belittling of our profession" angle.  We might consider that to be our exclusive purview, but we'll laugh at anything and respect anyone who tries to be funny.  But we won't respect lazy. 

But we're also hypocrits.  And since we're really too pissed for a thoughtful critique, we're breaking out the the favored tool of lazy bloggers (and dedicated studiers, who call it an outline): The List.

1. First of all, what's with the fucking flyer? Any law student, fictional or otherwise, who's dumb enough to pick up a random flyer and wander into an actual bar in search of a "bar exam study group" needs to go see his school and request a refund.  They've obviously been duped. 

2. Are we supposed to believe the bar utilizing a new marketing plan to lure in unsuspecting bar studiers and sell them watery light beer? It's not a bad thought since by the time the bar rolls around most law students have devolved into borderline (or not so borderline) alcoholics, but they're probably looking for something a but more efficient that light beer.

3. This shit has more plot holes than "Lost." Wouldn't this whole thing be a lot more realistic if it featured an overstressed grad complaining about having to take the bar exam only to have his wisenheimer friend pull that "what's this mean ... now you've pass the bar exam" bullshit only to have the bar student snap, break the bottle, slice his friend's jugular and them travel back in time.

4. Speaking of a stunningly lazy lack of realism, how bout some real bar books? We mean they are all of $30 on Craigslist.  "Intro to Criminal Law"? Eat crap Coors.

5.  This is a little off the "law" topic, but do we really need "technology" to help determine if something is cold?  We have hands.  And a mouth.  The aliens must be so impressed.

6.  Does this guy really think he just passed the bar exam?  See Point 1 on the issue of refunds.

7.  Thank god they cap this fiasco off with something as clever and completely misplaced like that blisteringly funny "So sue me" line.  That's a law related term!! HABEUS CORPUS!!!!

Of course this is only one example.  Amazingly, the other commercials somehow aren't available on the vast internet wasteland (much like pictures of Boner Stabone before he killed himself). But, we're sure you remember the triumph where a man (who gives off a very distinct "I didn't pass 7th grade vibe) apparent girlfriend calls and asks if they're "still on for dinner" (implying they at some point made plans) only to be reminded, to her surprise, that he "has the bar exam tomorrow" (implying that this was somehow forgotten when they made plans).  As much as that bothers us, the bigger question is, how is this supposed to play out? Wouldn't the girlfriend wonder why he'd never studied?  Or if he passed?  Or, at some point, be confused as to why he stays home all day watching the same "Sportscenter" all day instead of, we don't know, being a lawyer?  (We'll debate the relative societal value of those two career paths another time.)

Finally, don't even bothering trying to find the reason why lines like "I think I'm ready for another bar exam" or "How about a refresher course", met by uncontrollable laughter? No one who ever faced the hell of the bar (or who has even the slightest sense of humor) would ever say that. 

So thank you Coors for helping to ruin any live TV we watch. It's good to know we can count on you for something.  Hopefully in 2012, you'll be back with a sequel making fun of doctors.  Maybe something that goes like this:

(phones rings)

Man:  Hello

Friend: Hey guy, are we still going out tonight?  I can't wait to stand creepily in the corner of a dimly-lit bar and make women uncomfortable with our stares and then go home alone and cry myself to sleep.

Man #1:  Sorry dude, I've got the board exam tomorrow!!

(hangs up phone without even bothering to say goodbye.  Turns to bartender)

Bartender: Here's your Coors Light, sir.

Man:  Can I ask you a question?

Bartender:  Sure.

(Man holds up 2x4)

Man:  Can you tell me what this is?

Bartender:  A .... um ... piece of wood?

Man:  Wrong!!

(smashes Bartender in face and knocks him to the ground)

Man: You just failed your board exams. Now get me a real goddamn beer.

(cut to stock Coors Light Image)

Announcer:  Coors Light, for when you'd rather just have water but fold to peer pressure.

Football - The Attitude Era Comes to the NFL

Umm .... are the guns really even necessary?

Well, the lockout seems to be just about fucking over.  Finally.  We're just about done with the people "walking down the street" and "getting out of cabs" highlights (though we did kind of enjoy the hat DeMaurice Smith wore for awhile.)  So, how do we know it's almost over?  Is it from some Adam Schefter breathlessly reporting in front of a bookcase?  Or maybe Sal Pal and Mort standing outside Proskauer Rose discussing rookie pools and salary caps? 

Nope.  It's because, the NFL finally unveiled it's grand plan to win back the hearts and minds of lockout fatigued fans in the form of 2008 NFL Player of the Year James Harrison's calling out everyone from his quarterback to his commissioner.  Apparently, Harrison, a man who regularly maims his opposition and, if the above picture is any indication, scares the living shit out of everyone he comes across, feels picked on by Commissioner Goodell and his aggressive crackdown on what he considers to be overly violent hits.  So he decided to speak out, calling the Protector of the Shield a dictator, stupid and even dropped this little tidbit: 

"If that man was on fire and I had to piss to put him out, I wouldn’t do it. I hate him and will never respect him.”

First off, that's probably a good thing because James Harrison pisses fire.  So if he intervened in that way the Commish would be doubly on fire.  Secondly, we're excited to see that the NFL's reengagement strategy involves channeling the WWF's old Attitude Era complete with Harrison running around like Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Sure, the product on the field is good enough that they can just roll out the proverbial balls we'll all be back in front of our tv's engorging ourselves on snacks and fantasy football stats.  But, with its focus on "team" and parity, the one thing missing from the NFL is personalities and the mining (or even simply allowing) of the inherent conflict between the players, the league, and even teammates (Harrison also called out both Big Rapey Ben and Rashard Mendenhall).  Everything is better with conflict.  Even the biggest, most popular and most beloved American sport of all time.

Just look at what conflict does for far inferior products.  Take the NBA for example.  Despite a regular season that even the players don't usually care about, the league is coming off a banner year because of it's ability to leverage the strong public feelings, both good and bad, about it's stars, particularly the Miami Heat.  The main reason the Dallas-Miami series was so compelling wasn't the contrast of styles as much as it was LeBron, Wade, Bosh and Dirk. 

It's even more pronounced in wrestling which thrives by having people pretend to hate each other and letting them settle their differences in a sanctioned manner (with those sanctions sometimes involving cages and steel chairs).  And it works best when it seems real.  That's what the Attitude Era was all about.  By pretending to tear down the fourth wall and unleashing edgy, "real" characters like Stone Cold, DX, The Rock and, not to be forgotten, Mr. McMahon, the WWF went from a cartoonish, family friendly and second place operation that shared a acronym with the World Wildlife Fund and became the WWE, the NFL of it's industry.

If it works for them, how could it not work for the NFL?  They'd combine the real-life stakes of the NBA with the physicality of wrestling, without having to pretend.  As long as it's within the boundaries of the rules, these guys are allowed, and even encouraged, to hit their opponents as hard as humanly possible. All that's missing is the context and players talking provides that.



Maybe some, or even most, of these guys who go out there each week and try to kill each other are only doing it because it's their job.  But we're quite sure that many are doing it because they really really dislike the guy they're lined-up across from.  Wouldn't it be better if we knew that?  It would be endlessly exciting to sit down on a Sunday and know that Justin Tuck really fucking hates Tony Romo and would like nothing more than to see him carted off the field.  As long as he stays within the rules in doing so, how does that hurt anyone? 

James Harrison is not the only crazy bastard out there who, if freed from the threat of fine and suspension, would love to speak his mind about wanting to decapitate a quarterback like say, Jay Cutler or Phillip Rivers (a comprehensive list of guys in that category is too voluminous for this space).  So the NFL should embrace James Harrison's general outspokenness (the gay slur is a separate issue that needs to be dealt with but we're talking more about the spirit of his candor).  If he wants to talk shit on Goodell he should go for it.  And to keep things interesting Mr. Goodell should continue to fine him for his headhunting and even make it personal.  He should turn "Best Interests of the League" and "Personal Conduct Policy" into his very own "You're Fired" (and not the Donald Trump version).  And other players should do the same.  It's football.  Not everyone needs to be friends and play nice.  Most fans don't understand the power trap (in fact we understand so little about actual football plays that we can't name one from the post-Lombardi era) but they do understand hate.  Hate is accessible.  And interesting.

While we're at it, here are a few of the wrestlers other players remind us of:

James Harrison:  Stone Cold Steve Austin.  Harrison 3:16 says I just concussed your ass. Who wouldn't buy a black and gold "Harrison 3:16" shirt?

Peyton Manning:  Hulk Hogan.  He's got all the stats and the fame but hard core fans don't see him as the best ever. 

Tom Brady:  Ric Flair.  The stats and fame of Hogan but with more respect.  Also, WHOOOOOO!!!!!!

Brett Favre:  Shawn Michaels.  Wild in his early years.  Wildly popular in him prime.   Stayed around a little too long. 

Aaron Rodgers:  Triple H.  Highly touted prospect toiled in the shadow of a legend.  When given the chance, seized the opportunity to become a champion. 

Ray Lewis:  The Undertaker.  Makes you llegitimately fear for you life and concerned he might bury you in a coffin on ppv.  Doesn't make any sense when he talks but remains strangely compelling.  Never quite dead when you think he is.

Michael Vick:  The Ultimate Warrior.  An up and down career but a force of nature. 

Rashard Mendenhall:  Sargent Slaughter.  Emulated Sarge's heel turn with his Bin Laden tweets.

Terrell Owens:  The Macho Man.  A peerless performer in the field but also obviously mentally unstable.

Randy Moss:  Scott Hall/Razor Ramon.  One of the best when engaged but just as likely to quit as give you a hall of fame performance.

Ben Roethlisberger:  Golddust.  He sucks and he's kinda weird looking. 

Obviously, none of this will ever happen.  Harrison is already predictably backtracking on some of his comments (particularly the ones about him teammates but not Goodell) and will undoubtedly be fined and likely suspended by someone (the Steelers).  And now that the lockout is over, and the specter of punishment returns, so any player who spoke his mind the last few months will go back to speaking in cliches.  All in the name of nice.  And that's fine.  We'll go back to watching like the sheep we are.  But maybe this time we'll go back thinking it could be alot more fun. 
 
Here are a few more thoughts on his comments:

On high and low hits:
“I get dinged about three times a year and don’t know where I am for a little minute. But unless I’m asleep, you’re not getting me out of the game, and most guys feel the same way. If a guy has a choice of hitting me high or low, hit me in the head and I’ll pay your fine. Just don’t hit me in the knee, ‘cause that’s life-threatening. How’m I going to feed my family if I can’t run?”

Yeah, life-threatening as opposed to you know, bruising your fucking brain.  At least if he feeds his family now they'll be around to return the favor when he's a vegetable.

On the 2004 season:
“I should have another ring. We were the best team in football in 2004, but the Patriots, who we beat during the regular season, stole our signals and picked up 90 percent of our blitzes [in the AFC title game]. They got busted for it later, but, hey, they’re Goodell’s boys, so he slapped ‘em $500,000 and burned the tapes. Was he going to rescind their Super Bowls? Man, hell no!”

Ha. Ha.

On the two interceptions thrown by Ben Roethlisberger in last year’s Super Bowl:
“Hey, at least throw a pick on their side of the field instead of asking the D to bail you out again. Or hand the ball off and stop trying to act like Peyton Manning. You ain’t that and you know it, man; you just get paid like he does.”

What we find most interesting is that, even on his own team, Roethlisberger's two rings and three Super Bowl appearances don't put him on the level of Peyton Manning.  After a season of fawning over Big Ben and all his intangibles, his teammates don't even come to his defense when things go wrong.  And it's not the first time (you'll recall Hines Ward questioning Ben's toughness when he sat out with a concussion).  We firmly believe you can tell a player's true greatness by the reverence he gets in his own locker room and, at this point, evidence is mounting that Ben is lacking a bit in that area.  File it away for next time we get all fawny.

People Who Should Die - That Guy Who Tried To Share A Moment

Yeah, we saw you.  Standing across the street in your snazzy yellow polo and freshly-pressed khakis.  And yes, we know you saw that lady blow through the red light just as we were about to cross.  And maybe on some level we appreciate you recognizing that our subsequent arm raise was meant to convey a "what the fudge" sentiment and not some burgeoning mental illness.  But no, we are not going to make eye contact with you.  And no, we're not interested in exchanging "can you believe she ran through a red light while someone was trying to cross the street just like we've done a thousand times expect because we're the one walking so it's totally inappropriate this time" glances.  And we're certainly not going to have some inane conversation with you involving phrases like "wow, that was close", "you almost hit" and "yeah."

We'll just stick to reliving the experience in our own head and trying to figure out if we'd be quick enough to get out of the way, flip over the hood or even make like a superhero, jump on the hood and walk over the car and then stroll nonchalantly back to work leaving everyone in awe.  And we'd like to just enjoy our lunch (or I was like to say during our time "in the yard") enjoying a venti iced green tea lemonade (no matter how many times we order, it never ceases to be stressful attempting to speak Bucks-ease). 

So stop looking at us.  We do not want to share a moment with you.  So please get yourself a different color shirt (yellow doesn't go with your pasty complexion) and also, die.

You, Me and Pernetti - Reaction to Rutgers Athletics Stealing $27 million in Student Fees

The Unnecessary Introduction

One of modern sports writings most popular clichés (and if ESPN’s new website is any indication, the path to fame and fortune) is to compare everything to a movie.  So LeBron choking in the Finals is just like the Batman suit having nipples.  And Marshawn Lynch’s epic run through the Saints defense reminds you of something from “27 Dresses.”  Whatever the analogy, movie scene references are the surest way to convince your audience you’re “hip” and “with it” and makes you relevant.  We’d love to be able to do that.  We’d love to be relevant.  But we’re not.  And after almost 9 months of blistering and hilarious commentary, we’ve come to the conclusion that our inability to frame everything to some pop culture touchstone is the only thing (not our poor grammar, horrid spelling, unoriginal ideas, mundane musings or introductions that have nothing to do with what you are about to read) keeping us from the big time.  Unfortunately, since the great majority of our movie “watching” comes from Wikipedia or Movies.com (Dave White!!), it seems unlikely that's going to change anytime soon.  So we’re forced to be more creative.  And what’s more creative than a game of Mad Libs?

Fill in the blanks:

Movie involving Wayward/Misunderstood Character

Star of Movie

Wayward/Misunderstood Character

Bad thing Done by Wayward/Misunderstood Character

Now on to business …

The Yuck

Remember that movie, [Movie]?  You know the one where [Star] plays a guy/girl who’s friend, [Wayward/Misunderstood Character], screws everything up but [Star] feels compelled to defend [Wayward/Misunderstood Character] saying he/she is a really nice guy/girl if people would just give him/her a chance?  But then, in the climactic scene [Wayward/Misunderstood Character] does [bad thing] and, at that moment, [Star] realizes he/she can’t defend [Wayward/Misunderstood Character] anymore and their relationship is forever altered?

[Ed Note:  If you picked “You, Me and Dupree” as the movie to two things: (1) give yourself a point; and (2) die.]

Well, that’s exactly how we felt this week after reading USA Today’s brutal article about how Rutgers, our alma mater and the place that taken us for more money than any other, plundered $27 million in student fees (in addition to the $37 million in revenue) to cover holes in the athletic department budget in 2010, bringing the total to $115 million since 2006.  Just like the character in that movie we may have potentially made up, we're left wondering who we can defend Rutgers anymore, particularly the football program. 

Maybe the state’s collective inferiority complex makes us more comfortable with self-deprecation than failing to meet expectations, but since Rutgers Football has gone from abysmal to average, it's been a source of controversy for the University.  Still, we’ve always supported the program, often in the face of legitimate criticism. 

We’d looked the other way when the University spent $100 million to expand a stadium it could barely fill and later withheld raises from employees while begging poor due to cuts in state funding.

We brushed off reports that of unbudgeted spending on athletics, including perks for the coach, Greg Schiano.

We even resisted the urge to criticize Schiano, who’s legacy is measured not by league titles or BCS births but by a regular season win over Louisville and a few bowl games, the highest paid coach in the Big East.   

We defended it all because we love football and it's fun to have your school matter, no matter how marginally.  But mostly we defended it because we believed what we're calling “The Myth of the College Football Cash Cow”, the idea that investing money in growing a football program would not only generate goodwill and name recognition but in revenues that would someday bankroll other sports.  Those other sports are called “non-revenue generating” for a reason, after all.  Men’s wrestling and women’s volleyball cost money to maintain.  And that’s accepted because people view those sports differently and their expenditures in those areas are rarely extravagant or publicized.  But football is viewed differently.  Forget the talk of "student athletes" and all that crap, football is supposed to make money.  Everyone is supposed to be getting rich except the players.  At least that's what we've always been told.  Now, a decade into an admittedly epic rebuilding process the football team barely breaking even and it's starting to feel like the University is paying $64 million for 4 wins.  When that happens, it's time to start wondering whether it's ever going to happen. 

The Myth of the College Football Cash Cow

 We never did any research on the subject (who really has time for that?) but the idea that someday football would make the school rich was an easy way to rationalize our pride in Scarlet Knight Football.  Unfortunately, even a surface-level investigation (and who really has time for that) reveals that it’s essentially bullshit.  Of all the public schools in Division I, only 22 turned a profit on a department wide basis.  Check out the list:

Oregon                

Alabama

Penn State         

Michigan             

Oklahoma State               

Iowa

Texas   

Oklahoma

Georgia               

LSU       

Kansas State

Florida

Texas A&M        

Arkansas             

Purdue                

Michigan State

Nebraska            

West Virginia    

Indiana                

Virginia Tech     

Ohio State          

Washington

So maybe it happens some places but it's certainly a myth that its going to happen everywhere.  If you take a look at the list carefully, you'll find two two common denominators.  First, with the exception of West Virginia, all the schools reside in one of the real power conferences.  In fact, 20 of them some from either the Big Ten, Big 12, Pac Ten or SEC.  The second commonality is that, with the exception of Indiana, they’re all reasonably considered to be big-time football school.  So, it's pretty clear that, as far as the more that 200 Division I public schools go, only the football and conference elite are making money.  

(Businessofcollegesports.com further hammers the point home by breaking down what happens when football doesn’t make enough money.)

So if only about 10% of schools make money, it Rutgers ever going to get to that point?  To us it seems unlikely.  First, they play in a market saturated with professional sport competition.  Secondly, while Rutgers may be at the top of the “Stolen Money Standings” the presence of 3 of its conference mates in the Top 6 (UCONN, South Florida and Cincinnati) seems to indicate that this is a Big East problem.  Maybe when the conference renegotiates it's TV deal things change (What network wouldn’t pay top dollar for the collective history and tradition of a mid-November South Florida-UCONN tilt?  Or such traditional rivalries as Cincinnati-TCU!!)  Or maybe the University's $1 billion fund raising campaign ($100 million to athletics) and stadium naming rights deals reap huge rewards.  (We think we speak for everyone when we say we’re extremely excited to attend games at “Business-to-Business Consulting Company That Nobody Knows and, Even if They Did, Could Even Buy Their Products Anyway” Stadium Field.)  But still, $30 million is a ton of ground to make up.To put that in perspective, Florida football makes $44 million.  It's not impossible but highly unlikely.    

The Conclusion

Thought it's audacious and sometimes clumsy attempts to rebrand itself as "Big-Time Football", including the hiring of an ex-player as Athletic Director, Rutgers has made clear its commitment to football.  But unless the school's emergence as an elite program is imminent (they’ve yet to show that’s even remotely attainable) it might be time to reassess. Rutgers needs to focus on finding a sustainable path to success (Indiana’s inclusion on the list of profitable teams seems to show that it’s possible to run an average program at a profit) without quick fixes and out-of-control spending. Make no mistake about it, we'd love to see them challenging for the BCS right now.  But not at the expense of long-term success.  While the program may never subsidize all of Rutgers athletics, it can make money.  However, if the University continues to run a huge deficit, football will come under fire and cutbacks will be severe.  Rutgers has come a long way since the dark days of Terry Shea and reengaged its  fan base, but it takes decades to build a true program.   Considering where we've come from, we can be patient and settle for hope.