Tale of the Tape: Drug Dealing v. Working At a Law Firm

"The Wire” is easily the greatest tv show we’ve ever seen.  Maybe we're a decade late to the party but it was true when the show came on, true when it was cancelled and true right now.  That's not an easy statement for a "Lost" fan.  While we long considered the island saga to be the best, as we finish the 4th (and penultimate!!) season, The Wire didn't (and we're reasonably sure won't) give us pointless episodes about people trapped in Polar Bear cages, randomly eating dinner on the beach in a dress or, worst of all, The Temple (you see, he carries around a baseball because .... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz).  Perhaps the viewing experience isn't as interactive as Lost (the biggest mystery The Wire ever introduced was what the hell a “stevedore” was) but, the race isn't even close.  If you haven't watched it yet, we highly encourage .. no .. IMPLORE you to do so.  It might kinda change your life.

So, how could a show that good, be ignored by the general public?  There are a million reasons why a show does or doesn’t get an audience and The Wire probably suffered from everything from being on HBO, a channel not everyone has (though that didn’t seem to hinder The Sopranos) to America's not always subtle racism.  Spoiler Alert:  The show primarily features black actors.  Whatever the reason(s) others might have had, we stayed away for so long due to a preconceived notion that a show about crime, murder and corruption might be a little too depressing (as opposed to real life which, of course, is always a fuck-in great).  And maybe the show is a little depressing (not every show can be a laugh riot like “Two and a Half Men”) but it’s not in the way you might think.  We always leave an episode slightly sad about the life the characters live only it's less in "Hoarders" way and more in a "Friends" way. 

Yes, a show about being a drug dealer makes us jealous.  The more we watch the show, the more we think, if we have to work, dealing drugs would be way better than say ... working in a law firm.  Since we've both worked in a law firm and watched The Wire, we're uniquely qualified to break it down, Tale of the Tape style. 

So, here we go, in honor of the great Nick Bakay:  Drug Dealing v. Working at a Law Firm

1. Compensation

Drugs:  Apparently any enterprising young man (East OR West side) can secure a corner and supplier (both of which are plentiful in many major American cities) and easily clear a couple thousand dollars a week.  And the big wholesaler/dealers (vertical integration bitch!!) bump that up to a couple million a year.  All tax and debt free.

Law:  After obtaining a useless liberal arts degree (and associated debt) you went to law school on the promise of six-figure starting salaries and left with an additional degree (and debt) to find that you're lucky to get a $40k a year salary, a sweet gig as an hourly employee reviewing documents or an “alternative” career path processing insurance claims. 

Edge: Drugs. More money, less problems.  You can keep your bonuses and profit sharing, we’ll take heroin.

2. Hours

Law: 9 to 5, if you're lucky.  Every single day of your miserable life.

Drugs: Whenever the hell you please. Crack heads don’t have alarm clocks.

Edge: Drugs. Maybe you only live to 25 but at least you have time to play video games.

3. Career Path

Law: In the land of diminishing returns, you start out as an associate with little free time and even less money and if you're lucky, you screw over enough people and succeed to a point where you make more money but have so many unreasonable responsibilities that you can't find any time to spend it.  If the money is enough to keep you from killing yourself, you die from a heart attack or stroke.

Drugs: The exact opposite. As you work your way up, where you used to spend, 3 maybe 4 hours working, if you kill enough people your typical day not involves taking reports from your crew on business, counting your money, checking on your investment properties and reading Adam Smith. 

Edge: Drugs.  There's blood on your hands either way, might as well get something for it. 

4. Dress Code

Drugs: The uniform: Anything that doesn’t help the cops pick you out of a line-up.  Jeans? Sure, and you won't even be extorted to give to charity to wear them.  Over sized sweat suit? Hell yeah. Wife beater? Can't see why not.  The only time you're wearing a tie is in court.

Law: The uniform: a button-down shirt (striped or solid), slacks and sensible shoes. The only time you’re wearing a suit is in court.

Edge: Drugs. See what happens next time you wear your Artis Gilmore throwback to the office. Business casual is nothing of the sort.

5. Safety.

Law: ID’s, self locking doors and a security guard who never seems to recognize you no matter how long you've worked there.

Drugs:  One word: Muscle.  If you control drug money there’s no shortage of overweight, borderline psychopaths willing to protect you from all those pesky people out to take your life.  Just like the secret service.

Edge: Push. The drug game is more dangerous but your security guard doesn't even have a real gun.

6. Integrity:

Drugs: The Sunday Truce.  A rule passed down through generations and observed by everyone:  no matter who you are or who you crossed, there’s no killing on Sundays.

Law: None.

Edge: Drugs.

7. Hoops:

Law: The Lawyers League, a place where shot attempts are determined by senority and no one can figure out what law school the 6’10” dude who just scored 50 attended. Oh, he works in your mail room? Sure he does.

Drugs: Sponsor a team to play in local tournaments, maybe even paying off some local college talent to join your squad and if he plays bad, he doesn't make it home after the game.  Essentially, you're George Steinbrenner.

Edge: Law.  Kids dream about becoming Jeter, not Cuban.

8. Standing in the Community:

Law: You’re typical introductory conversation goes like this:

Person: Hello
You: Hi
Person: So what do you do for a living?
You: I’m a lawyer.
Person: Bye.

Drugs: You’re like the neighborhood Robin Hood. Need money for the ice cream truck? We got you. School clothes?  How much? $10k for a boxing gym? Is that all you need?  Hand out a few twenty dollar bills here and there and all of a sudden you’re an icon.  You’re typical conversation goes like this:

Person: Yo
You: Yo
Person: Can I get some money?
You: Yes
Person: Thanks.  Will I have to kill someone one day for you?
You: Most likely.
Person: Aight.

Edge: Drugs

9. Retirement Benefits

Law: 401K or Pension. It doesn’t matter which one, you work all your life and then (the government or a sketchy investment banker) ends up losing it all so you can eat cat food and not even the good, expensive stuff.     

Drugs: If you're lucky enough to make it to retirement (who wants to get old anyway) or, more likely, jail, you're set for life.  Your 401k is knowing where the bodies are and in exchange for your silence you and your family get a nice furnished apartment and a luxury car.    

10.  Language

Drugs:  You have talks like this (Spoiler Alert: This happened in the show but it's so out of context that it probably won't ruin anything):




Law:  Around a law firm you might here fun terms like:  Complaint, Answer, I need this on Monday and I don't care if it's Friday at 5 P.M., Bifurcation, You're not working the weekend?, In Limine, Motion to Suppress, Demurrer, Billable hours, Voir Dire, Adjudication, Billable Hours, Compel, Dictum, Escrow, More Billable Hours, Fee Tail, Gag Order, Hate Your Life, You need more billable hours, Hung Jury, Summary Judgment, You're Fired. 

Edge:  Drugs.  Tell us that's not the coolest 2 minutes of television ever.

The Verdict:  Drugs by a landslide.  When you break it down scientifically, dealing drugs wins hands down.  It’s the “4 Hour Work Week” with bullet proof vests.