One of the fringe benefits of working in the office of a MAJOR INTERNATIONAL CORPORATION is that we get to see a ton of really unnecessary and disingenuous corporate signage. Most of it deals with how great a place we work and how committed they are to following the rules, or how to keep your damn hands clean. The other day we saw one encouraging people to stay home if they're sick and it inspired us to begin drafting our own signs explaining the Project's corporate policies.
Accordingly, this will one day hang in our posh offices in some soulless building:
Accordingly, this will one day hang in our posh offices in some soulless building:
The Project is committed to maintaining a healthy and, above all, productive workplace for those individuals who find comfort in the rote nature of corporate life. To that end, it is The Project’s Communicable Disease Policy (APR 999-4784.3.5.65:2, Part Z, Section 12) clearly states:
If you are sick, stay the fuck home.
Since your illness, and the inevitable complaints associated with it, are likely to hinder not only your productivity but that of the people around you, The Project takes this policy very seriously and will enforce it by any means necessary.
The term “sick” includes any serious communicable disease, including the flu, bird flu, swine flu, Ebola virus, the gout, crones disease, athlete’s foot, hammer toes, coughing, sneezing, wheezing, bleeding ulcers, explosive diarrhea, gynecomastia, GERD, erections lasting more than 4 hours, acid reflux and melancholy or any other illness or malady that may hinder your ability to give maximum effort or which could distract and/or infect others. In short, the spreading of diseases directly effects The Project’s bottom line and it cannot and will not be tolerated.
Accordingly, if you become sick, don’t be a douche and stay at work coughing and sneezing on everyone, complaining about how crappy you feel and putting on your best “sick voice.” We get it, Ferris.
All employees should also note that being sick DOES NOT EXCUSE you from your work responsibilities. The Project’s Updated Modern Indentured Servitude Policy (APR 888-8763.6.4.78:5, Part LL, Section 7942) provides that all employees must work from home during normal work hours (12 A.M. to 12 A.M.) in the event of sickness, vacation, death or rapture. The Project encourages you to always remember that your biggest asset is your inability to say “no.”
Your Supervisors have been reminded (read: ordered) to strictly enforce this policy to protect others in the workplace (read: prison) from your nastiness and will enforce this policy in an evenhanded manner unless, of course, they choose to (read: they will) completely ignore it and make you work anyway. Should you refuse to adhere to the policy, as enforced, you will be gently (read: forcibly) asked (read: told) to vacate the building (read: get the hell out of here)
Frequently Annoying Questions
Q. What if I am out of PTO days for the year?
A. Nobody cares. If you need more information, please contact your local talent inhibitor (HR) who will remind you that you have no options.
Q. What if, by taking the day off, I won’t have enough money to pay the mortgage this month?
A. See Answer to Question #1.
Q. What if my child is sick, may I stay home?
A. Your decision to reproduce is not a problem of The Project. If you do not present any symptoms, you SHOULD NOT be absent from work. Additionally, the Project expects you to take full and complete caution to ensure you don’t catch whatever that little mongrel is carrying. This includes refraining from all contact with your children (including your customary kiss on the forehead after yet another 18 hour day) if they present even the slightest hint of a cold or flu infestation.
Q. What do I do if a co-worker is sick and comes to the office and keeps coughing in my general direction?
A. Report your coworker to the “authorities,” he or she will be disposed of in rapid fashion.
Q. What if I am seriously ill but have a really important “deadline” and my supervisor has indicated if it is not met I will “have my ass in a sling.”
A. Oh, well.
Q. I think I just threw up in my mouth?
A. Go the f home.
Thank you for your complicity in ensuring this office continues to be a place where you can make money for The Project while being vastly underpaid and undervalued.
Sincerely,
Your Overlords
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